July 25th, Lake Powell!

We have been invited to go with some friends to Lake Powell for a week. We were suppose to leave on Monday but we have recently found out that our friends get the house boat a few days early; so our trip can start on Saturday!

I have been so torn on whether we were going to go on Saturday or leave later. Saturday marks one year since Kamber passed away. I have been so sick thinking about this day for the past couple of weeks. This week so far has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. Every thing has been so real. I remember this week a year ago even though I try hard not to. The storm we had on Monday night happened a year ago also. When I lay my head down to sleep so many images and thoughts run through my mind even though I try so hard not to think about them. It has brought me to tears every night. My body quivers like it did those early days a year ago. I am exhausted by the emotions. I find myself in the survival state once again each and every day. It takes a lot to get me even dressed for the day which hasn't been happening till the late afternoon or not at all. So with everything that I am going through so far the idea of running away to Lake Powell on Saturday seems like a really good idea. Hopefully it will keep my mind busy.

On the other hand we have lots of family we are leaving behind. I know that their lives have been changed also. I recognize their sadness and missing. This is why it has been so hard to make the decision to leave. I hope that they understand why we are going to leave but know they are in our thoughts and prayers also. As of yesterday we had decided to be here for Saturday but we were staying strictly for our family members but knowing it was going to make it that much harder on us. Then my husband spoke to my father- in -law today and expressed how we felt and asked his opinion on what we should do. We don't want anyone to hurt any more. My father -in- law expressed to Ethan that he felt we should do what is best for our little family. Kamber was our child and to do what we need to and that he thought every one would understand. I am so grateful for his kind words, love, and support that he continues to give to us. Actually, I can't fail to mention how supportive and caring all of our family members have been.

So with that we will be leaving Saturday to hopefully break up the memory of the worst day of our lives. A day that we don't want celebrate, a day that the world for us stopped turning, the day that one of our angels left this earth for a moment in time.

This caught my eye and my heart

As I mentioned in my last post that the one year mark of Kamber's death is approaching. With it brings all kinds of emotions and anxiety. In someways I feel I am stronger and in other ways I feel weaker. I find myself more often just speaking out loud to my Heavenly Father about my feelings. This is what I spoke to him about this morning on my way to pick Tayler and her friend up from swim team this morning.

"I don't know how to feel. It has almost been a year and I am still very sad and still in some ways mad. I know you know how I feel and know that I will come around. I don't feel that you are upset with me for my feelings. But how long is it okay to feel this way? I wouldn't bring Kamber back now that she is in such a perfect place. I am glad that she doesn't have to endure this world and all the bad things that happen. I am glad that she doesn't have to endure the sorrow of losing a child, or a mom or dad eventually. I know she misses us but, she understands the big picture and so I am sure that makes it a little different. I just miss her. I am sad that all her memories are not fresh in my mind anymore. At times it feels as though she wasn't really here, like it was all a dream. I hate that it feels that way at times. I love you Kamber. I just wish I was stronger. I wish I had the drive to accept it all but part of me feels if I do it means that I didn't love her enough. But I do, I love her with my whole heart."

When I got home I was going through some of the things I saved after Kamber died and I found a talk that I had read a day after. This is what stuck out to me today:

We knew before we were born that we were coming
to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would
have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and
hardships, health and sickness, successes and
disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of
life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with
a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and
unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come
earthward even though it might be for only a day or a
year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we
should die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were
willing to take life as it came and as we might organize
and control it, and this without murmur, complaint, or
unreasonable demands.

In the face of apparent tragedy we must put our trust
in God, knowing that despite our limited view his
purposes will not fail. With all its troubles life offers us
the tremendous privilege to grow in knowledge and
wisdom, faith and works, preparing to return and share
God’s glory.

Spencer W. Kimball

It's Coming

This is a picture of last 4th of July.


The one year mark of the loss of our Kamber is approaching. In so many ways I can't believe that it has almost been a year since I last held my sweet little girl, but in other ways it seems like forever ago. I miss her every day and try not to think too much about the dreaded day to come. I am finding out that I don't cry out in pain as much anymore. I definitely have those days but they don't come as often. I do have a constant ache though that never goes away, it is always lingering but, most of the time I can handle the pain and fight my way through it.

Many people are asking what I am doing for the one year mark. Well, I really don't know. If I had it my way I would run away, find a way to check out for that day. Take away all the hurt and pain for my whole family. It is definitely a day that I don't want to celebrate but I do want people to remember the day that changed my families life forever. I want them to remember that on that day a special angel left this earth to be with her Father in Heaven. The day that I felt as if heaven and hell surrounded me. I have never been so close to those that loved me, especially those on the other side of the veil. Yet I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. It all collided at the same time.

My worst dreams had come true. I worry about something happening to my kids every day and night. Ever since I became a mom I have always prayed for the safety of my children. That same prayer was given the night before Kamber died. I knew that following day what that safety was... safe in the arms of our Savior. Definitely not the answer I wanted but one I have to deal with and some day maybe accept.

Tonight I think about you Kamber and think about that scary day for me and our family. I know you are with me as I worry about this day. I know you are always there and together somehow we will make it through.