Shake Your Booty!

I pulled out all of my Christmas decorations yesterday and it was so fun putting them around my house. Last year we had just moved in a week before Christmas so I did not put all my decorations out. I was lucky to have most all the boxes put away. As I looked over my decorations this year trying to figure out what I was going to put were I saw one of my snowman that my mother in law gave me last year. It is one of those little characters that sing and dance and sometimes the songs are a little obnoxious but so cute you have to at least have one. I forgot the song and dance that this little snowman does. I almost didn't put him up because i couldn't figure out a spot for him to go and I thought no one will miss him this year. Well this morning Brookie woke me up bright and early and sure was fussy. I tried every dang toy in the house to make her happy and then came across that snowman. Maybe she would like to see him sing and dance. So, I put new batteries in him and pushed the button. Bingo that was it, she was so enthralled watching him sing and dance. As I listened to the song it brought back a sweet memory of Kamber. Last year Kamber loved the snowman. He sings the song Shake Your Groove thing and wiggles his booty around. Kamber thought it said shake your booty, shake your booty yeah, yeah! So she would push the button and sing Shake Your Booty, Shake Your Booty, Shake Your Booty, over and over as she really shook her booty. We would just sit and laugh and the more we would laugh the more she would do it. I forgot that little memory of her. Oh, we love and miss that little girl so much. It is hard not to see her do funny things to make us laugh, but I am sure she had something to do with reminding us of this toy that wasn't so important to me this year but how fun it was to her. Now that snowman has a special place in our home!

Loss

I have been reluctant to talk about this particular subject but, feel inclined to today. The words that I speak are just my thoughts and are in no way to speak for others experiences and feelings.
I saw a sweet friend yesterday just before the run and spoke to her for just a minute. I hope she doesn't mind me touching a moment on what I spoke to her about yesterday.

This friend of mine a couple of weeks ago had a miscarriage and she was about half way through her pregnancy. Another dear friend of mine a couple of years ago was pregnant at the same time I was with Kamber and she miscarried 2 months into her pregnancy. I never have had a miscarriage, so two years ago I didn't know what that felt like or understood the emotions to go with that sort of loss. Since my friend was still in the early stage of pregnancy I didn't think that the emotions would be so strong because you don't feel the baby move, or look pregnant. For my friend it was hard as I could feel her pull away from me for a while. I'm sure it made it harder knowing I was still carrying my baby and she was no longer to have hers. About a year and a half later my friend was able to get pregnant again with a beautiful and healthy girl! That girl was born on my Tayler's B-day! I don't know if loosing that baby still bothers my friend to this day or if it something that has faded from her memory and she thinks about it from time to time but the emotions aren't very strong anymore. I do hope she feels comfort and peace about it and knows that I am sorry that she ever had to endure the pain of loosing a baby.

Back to my friend I saw yesterday. I walked up to her and gave her a big hug, as I held back the tears of knowing how she feels. I saw tears come to her eyes as she told me that she has been thinking of me a lot here lately and that she feels she only got a small does of what I have felt and gone through. It made me so sad to here those words come from her mouth for her to think that her loss didn't hurt as bad as mine. Like I said I have never had a miscarriage but I feel that loss is loss. My friend was to find out if she was to have a boy or a girl. Her little kids knew of the new baby that was to be a part of their family and she had to face telling them what had happened. There is pain that goes with that and the wondering of what could have been.

Kambers life was threatened from the beginning all the way to the end of her life. I can look back and see all the times her life was spared and it was many times. I long to hold Kamber in my arms everyday as I am sure my friend does with her unborn child. I wonder what she would be like as she got older as I am sure my friend wonders about her child. I wonder what Kamber would look like as she got older as I am sure my friend does. The only difference is I have some memories, I saw a personality, I got to hold her and love her, I felt her physically. What is easier to deal with? Can you look a mother in the face and tell her which type of loss is harder? I can't, I don't know. Both hurt more than you can even imagine, there are still "what if's" in each situation. The hurt and pain is the same and we hurt for the loved ones we don't have anymore.

I wish I knew for sure if that sweet spirit that was to come to each one of my friends family, comes at a later time or not. I don't know for sure when the spirit enters the body but, I do know that Heavenly Father gives us the children we are to have and that he won't give us a trial that we can't handle. I hope my friends know how much I love them and hope that they continue to heal and hold their heads up, it is hard but ,we can endure.

I have been reading the book "Gone Too Soon" by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. The book is geared more towards miscarriage and infant death but, I am finding that the emotions and thoughts of the mothers who have gone through this type of loss is very similar to what I have felt. They seem to move through there grief faster and able to heal from having another child as I know that won't happen for me because I had Kamber physically here and part of our family, but the feelings and grief the mothers encounter are the same. It's different but, the same.

Thankful

- For my husband Ethan.
- Tayler, Kylie,Kamber, and Brookie.
- Angel Kamber that is preparing a place in heaven for our family.
- A Heavenly Father that is kind and loving.
- Heavenly Father letting us feel Kamber's spirit each and every day.
- For the comforter to help us through the loss of Kamber.
- The hospital workers that worked so hard to save Kambers life.
_ The firemen that came so fast to help Kamber.
- For our health.
- Love
- To have the gospel in my life.
- Friends
- Tender Mercies felt throughout my life.
- All of my family.
- Family and friends that came and supported the run for Kamber.
- For the great life, family, and friends that I have!
- Always have enough to eat.
- To have a home
- Beautiful weather today.
- A country that we can enjoy many freedoms.

What a Beautiful Day!

It's raining! I love it when it rains, the smell is so refreshing. It is suppose to rain tomorrow morning also and that means I will be running in the rain for the turkey trot. If it is a sprinkle that might be kind of fun, if it is pouring that won't be great. I would struggle with the run even if it were sunny out.

The Kamber shirts are in I will be picking them up at 11:00 and you can begin picking them up at 1:00 at my home. This evening some time I will be gone for a short while, so if you are planning on coming at this time leave me an email with your phone number so I can tell you if I will be home at the time you are planning to come. I would rather not have to bring the shirts to the race since I will be running around getting my number and turkey shirt. If it is raining I don't want to get soaked with the shirts finding a spot to hand them out, there is no covered areas there anyways. But if the morning is the only time that will work for you I will be happy to bring them that morning. Thanks for all your support and wanting to run in Kambers memory.
Love to all,
Jen

4 Months

Today is 4 months since the day Kamber returned to her Heavenly Father. Four months since Kamber grew up much faster than the rest of us. Four months since I held my little girl only moments after she left this family that loves her so very much and 4 months of her lifting up others and impacting people lives all over the country for the better. What a wonderful and full life she had in her short 2 1/2 years. She had the love of three sisters, mom and dad, grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. We did a lot of fun things as a family in her 2 1/2 years and she helped to make each memory so fun. Today I am grateful not so much sad, but grateful to have had her for that long. Four months is a long time to not have her physically here but I am grateful to have had her spiritually here with us for that long! Her presence is felt and what a blessing that is for our family.
Today is Kamber's buddy/ cousins birthday. Shariden Happy Birthday! Shariden is three today and only 3 months older than Kamber. I wondered how I would feel when this day would come and I am glad that I am okay with it, I am happy for Shariden!

I don't know what my deal is. The wave of sadness just keeps coming. Yesterday I did okay till Relief Society and the lesson was great but, it did bring me to tears. I was okay with that though because I was able to share a special experience with the women in my ward. Today I was doing okay till it was time for me to do a post. Why is this sadness coming so often here lately to weigh me down? Usually I get at least a week between my really hard days but, lately it just gives me little time to breath.
Saturday I went with my mom and sister to look at Christmas decor and it did bring me some happiness. I would think that it would make me more sad but, for now it bring some happiness and calm. I enjoyed finding things for my Kamber tree I am putting up as soon as possible. I have found so many pretty purple things and they seem to suit Kamber beautifully. Maybe the happiness comes from being able to do something for Kamber. Now that she is gone I miss being able to take care of her and do many things for her. So, maybe in some way this is temporally filling that void in my life. I continue to try and think of the things that I am grateful for and load my memory of happy thoughts. At times these happy thoughts come easy and other times it is hard to do. For today to help with the sadness I am running, I have to say that it is very therapeutic. I will be running till my legs can no longer handle it :)

My post on the angels blog

I couldn't decide if I was going to share with all of you my post on the angel blog. Well, what the heck here it is, hopefully your feelings for me won't change! :)

Okay, I am going to reveal something that is a little embarrassing but that has made my husband and I laugh today. After this last week of struggling so bad with the loss of Kamber the laugh was much needed, even though it was at my expense.

I have always done ditsy things throughout my life but, I have felt that I am pretty responsible and smart. I enjoy making people laugh and pretty willing to laugh at myself when I do dumb things. I feel I am a kind person and would do most anything to cheer someone else up. I do have to say since Kamber has died I have become very air headed. I do dumb things all the time. I just can't seem to get my life in order and the easy things sometimes are so hard for me to do. I am LOOSING MY MIND! I have to admit shortly after Ethan and I were married that I mailed my check book. Yeah, you heard me right, my check book. I had all my mail in one hand and my check book was in that same hand since I had just wrote my last bill while I was in the car. Now this was a box that was just down the street, not at a post office, just an area that you can pull in and mail since the nearest post office was far. So I had to wait till 5:00 which was a couple hours away for the mail man to come and pick up the mail. Well of course he was running behind, then I found out that he couldn't just give me my check book I had to meet him at the post office before he could give it back to me. It was such a process but, to make a long story short I got it back and was late for my evening college class.

So now that I have revealed the dumbest thing I have done, may be this won't seem so bad. We were given a calling about a month after Kamber died, bishop thought it would be a good idea to make Ethan and I the activities leaders in our ward and only give us two other couples to help. Since I am an airhead I was afraid that he might regret that decision later, but I excepted. I almost missed my first ward council meeting until a member of the bishopric called me a half hour into the meeting to ask if I was coming. I threw clothes on and raced down to the church feeling like a retard! The next dumb thing I have done is show up for ward council today a week early and interrupt a bishopric meeting. Yeah, what a nerd :) Then when I got home I told my husband and he just laughed but, what really got him rolling was, I told him that I had remembered when Bro. Brodero called us earlier this week to set up tithing settlement and that I had told him something really dumb. He set up our meeting at 1:10 and our ward meets at 2:30. I told Bro. Brodero to remind me about our tithing settlement at church because I am an air head and will probably forget. Really, Really? I can't believe I said that! I had wondered why he hesitated when he said suuurrre... That's because I am retarded, church is a hour and a half later than our tithing settlement. Ha Ha Ha. That really makes sense! You can laugh, we sure did. I just wonder what the bishopric thinks that they got themselves into by calling me to this leadership calling. Hopefully it has given them a lot of laughs!
Love to all,
Jen (Kambers mom)

Short Post

Let's just say it is a hard day. I'm struggling with thoughts,feelings and just trying to endure the past couple of days. I'll be okay I just don't have much I want to say.

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,

We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.

For no heartache compares with the death of one small child

Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold.

So He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few

To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try,

The saddest word mankind knows will always be “goodbye.”

So when a little child departs, we who are left behind

Must realize God loves children… Angels are hard to find.

Thanks Kathryn for the sweet poem!

Look Alike?

Do we have a look alike? Can you tell who is who? These are pictures of Kamber and Brookie around the same age. I hear all the time how much they look alike. I see a resemblance but I personally don't really think they look alike. I do have to say that they both are pretty dang cute! I love having girls and especially love when they are this age. ( here Brookie is 7mo. and Kamber is 9mo.) Kamber was definitely the most petite out of my girls but, not petite compared to other kids. She was in the 70th percentile for her age. Brookie is in the 90th for her age which Tayler and Kylie were also. Not fat at all, just solid and I love it! I am sure they will beinto sports just like our families are. Girls are so fun and even though one day I would like a boy or two I wouldn't trade any boy in the world for the four girls I have.

Chistmas for Kamber

I've got it, I know some things I am going to do for Kamber. I have been racking my brain trying to think of the right thing that feels good. Earlier this year I was at Target they had a lot of their toys on Clarence, so I roamed through wondering why I was even doing this since my kids really don't need any toys at that time. I then came across some Dora toys that were $3.00 to $5.00. I found a Hawaiian looking Dora doll that was $5.00 and then another Dora toy that had four different things in it for about $3.00. I was so excited because I knew Kamber would absolutly love these toys, so I put them in my basket and thought I would save them for Christmas. Well, a few weeks before Kamber died she had thrown a fit about something, I can't remember and I remembered that toy. Just to stop her from crying any longer I bribed her with the Dora doll. I know, that is not how you discipline a child, but I couldn't handle it any longer. I gave her the doll and she was as sweet as pie. Those next couple of weeks Kamber loved playing with the Dora doll and majority of the time Dora didn't have her clothes on. Kamber passed away a couple of weeks later. I was so glad I had given her that doll to love and play with to bring some happiness to her life. The morning of the funeral the girls wanted to give Kamber a couple things, so we found the Dora doll and of course Dora had no clothes on. I looked for the clothes and couldn't find them. SO, I'm sure you know what is coming next! Yep, Dora went into the casket with Kamber. Dora had a painted swim suit on her body so she wasn't totally nude. But, that is how Kamber played with her so that is how Dora went. Anyways, my point is that I never gave Kamber the other Dora toy. I am not sure what I will do with it yet but, it sure is sad not to have Kamber here on Christmas to open it.
I was on one of my dear friends blog who has also lost a little girl to a drowning a month before Kamber and saw what she was doing for her daughter for Christmas and asked if she would mind if I took a little spin off her idea. The sweetheart she is, she said she wouldn't mind. Here is my idea: I am going to fill Kamber's stocking with gratitude and memories. Yep, we will write on a piece of paper things that we are grateful for. I feel when we count our blessings it is hard to be so sad. Kamber brought to much happiness to our family and I want to try as hard as possible to be happy Christmas day. So first in her stocking will be how grateful I am to have her be a part of our family! If you would like to participate feel free to. Send memories of her, things that you are grateful for, and emails of how Kamber has touched your life knowing her or just knowing her through this blog. I love hearing how Kamber continues touching other lives just as much as I love hearing memories people have of her. We as a family will open her stocking on Christmas and read all the gratitude, memories, and stories as a gift to her. There is nothing more special than remembering how blessed we are and thanking our Heavenly Father for each blessing and Kamber is a true blessing and best gift we could have ever received. That goes the same for all of my girls! I also think I might do a tree for her with purple, white ,and silver ornaments. Each year we will pick out a special ornament just for Kamber to put on the tree. Even though Kamber isn't here this year we will have many things to remind us of her. We love our Kamber girl!
You can find my email at the top of the blog or here! Kampers2@gmail.com
Thanks and love to all!

No Sugar Coating

My mind has been spinning this morning, which is nothing different. I have been sorting through the things that happened the day Kamber died. It is like my mind just doesn't want to except it and as if I really could have changed something to stop it. Deep down I know I did nothing wrong that day. I actually spent more time having fun with Kamber that morning than I usually did. The fact that I was leaving out of town and hadn't packed yet didn't seem to bother me, I just wanted to spend time with her. That is a blessing of it's own, Heavenly Father allowed me that day not to be stressed out and allowed me to really enjoy Kamber. I paid a lot of attention to her that morning,more than I usually would have since I was packing. It takes only seconds and a life can be taken. So it wasn't because we didn't pay any attention to her, we were just playing with her minutes before she was taken. These are the things I know and have to keep reassuring myself each day.
People have sent me some e-mails telling me how our families situation has changed their life and I am glad it has influenced them for the better. It feels good to know Kamber is touching others lives even after she has passed. Many people say that they enjoy reading the blog and that they like how real and raw I am, no sugar coating. Here is my response to those comments:
That is the purpose of my blog, no sugar coating because this is my reality. The reality of Kamber not being here is raw and real, there is no sugar coating when it comes to grief. I write for me to get my frustrations out and record my true feelings. I hope in time I can look back and read the true feelings and emotions I feel and hope to see growth along the way. I hope I can look back and see how really hard it is and see that I am enduring. I hope I will see the beautiful blessings that have come from this hard reality. I hope others will see that there is a way to endure adversity and know that they can endure it also regardless of the trials they go through. I want my kids ( if they choose) to read and see how much I love them and love Kamber and know if I could have changed this reality I would and really know I would do anything for them to take the hurt away. I want them to remember that we all spent precious time with Kamber just before she died. We had a dance party down in my room. We all laughed and danced together, Heavenly Father allowed that last memory and special time with Kamber.
So, these are the reasons I am real about my life after loss. I want to learn and grow from this experience and maybe others will do the same. Thanks for the support that continues to be shown to our family. I am thankful for all the new friends I have met through the blog that continue to let me know they are there for us even though we have never met.

Happy Birthday Mom and Grandma Greer!

Mondays

I was in the Kitchen this morning trying to clean up the mess from this weekend. I had many things going on this week and didn't have much time to clean the way I usually like to. Ethan came in a saw me at work putting dishes away. I must have had a sad look on my face, he is so in tune with me that he knows when the wheels are spinning and when I am frustrated. He said "Are Monday's hard for you?" I looked at him like: what are you talking about? My mind was spinning over the things I need to do today, things we talked about yesterday regarding Kamber, and my dream I had last night and trying to find some meaning in it. My response to his question was "Yes ,Mondays are hard." He said they are for me to because I see all the things that need to be done for the week at work." Well yes, that is part of it for me, but the other part is realizing I just made it through another week with out Kamber and sometimes that is hard. I want the week to fly by but, I want time to stand still so all the memories of Kamber are so fresh. Mondays are hard because I know I have another whole week to endure with out Kamber. The task of cleaning my house, getting groceries, and any of the other mundane things we as mom's have to do just don't seem that hard anymore. I very rarely get stressed about it anymore like I would before. We take life one step at a time. My priorities are a little different as I know Ethan's are also. He sees all the things that he has to do for the week but I notice he is much calmer than he use to be. So many lessons have been learned from the trial of living life with out Kamber here and there are many lessons yet to be learned. So yes ,Monday's are hard in there own way, but that is okay.

The Time of My Life

I'm sure everyone has heard the song by David Cook "The Time of my Life." I have never paid much attention to the song till the other day. I have it on my Ipod and I really do not remember putting the song on it. So yesterday I was running along and this song came on and my thoughts started turning round and round in my mind. I thought that this song totally apply's to my life right now. It talks about picking up the pieces in our lives and changing. This is the time of our lives. Well, since I feel that my life has been shattered into a million little pieces I'm now at this time in my life that I have the choice what I am going to do with these pieces. This is a major turning point in my life and in my families lives. Are we going to pick up these pieces and become more loving, compassionate, forgiving, Christ like people? Or are we going to let this send us down a dark tunnel and never make our way out and become bitter? This is the time of our lives. Just because I choose to try and go down the better road doesn't mean I won't be sad or even angry at the situation at times. I doesn't mean that I am over the loss of Kamber because I feel I never will, I will always long for her and have a sad place in my heart. I can learn to become a better person, so I can work along side her in her mission. We have to grieve but we don't have to be stuck in all the horrible feelings for the rest of our lives. It will take time and it will be hard but one thing I know for sure, we will endure.

I have put the song on my play list if you would like to hear it.

Thursdays

I think I have mentioned before on the blog that we have been going to a counselor since Kamber died. If I haven't then now you know. Our first time going was the Monday after Kamber died and I am glad we went. Ethan and I went first to see what we thought and to find a way to help us deal with the situation. We figured that if we could keep ourselves in check then we could better help our girls through this hard time. We since have taken the girls and they really enjoy getting to go. Every other week I take them one at a time during their lunch break and I really enjoy my time with them on my own. We talk about whatever they want and then go to talk about Kamber which they seem to like to do. I really feel these sessions are helping them understand the situation and that Kamber is just not physically here and that we will see her again. It is hard for young children to really understand that concept because they really only know what they see. We talk all the time about Kamber and sometimes it is sad and other times it is happy memories. My girls miss their little sister but know we will be together again as a family some day. In some ways having to endure this tragedy of loosing Kamber has brought our family even closer together, which before I thought we were pretty tight knit. I love my girls and I am proud of their strength at such a young age. I know they were sent to our family for a reason and I am so glad Heavenly Father sent such wonderful girls as them!

Dreams

Kylie and I have both had a dream of Kamber recently. I am so grateful for the sweet dreams we get to have, I think it is what helps us plug along through life. I can tell it does confuse Kylie a bit because she thinks it is real till she wakes up. I try to explain to her that it is, Heavenly Father is probably allowing Kamber to be with her for that moment. I don't think she quite gets it, that's okay because she is only 6 years old.

Here is our conversation about Kylie's dream:

Kylie: Mommy I had a dream about Kamber!

Me: You did?! Do you want to tell me about it?

Kylie: Yeah, Kamber came and she sat on my lap and I was holding her.

Me: Really?

Kylie: Yeah, I was holding her and I said "Kamber your alive!" and Kamber said " I am?!" I said yes and we smiled. Then she was gone cause I woke up, it was not real :(

Me: I am sure that was her and you did get to hold her. Kylie had a weird look on her face, but I think she just somewhat excepted what I said.

My dream was similar. Our family was all out in our front yard and the girls were playing. Kamber was running after them trying to catch up like she always did. I was following right behind Kamber watching how cute she was. Then Kamber stepped in a little hole and tripped. I was right there when she put her arms up for me to hold her. She didn't cry when she fell and she was not hurt at all, she just wanted me to hold her. She said something to me, but I can't remember what she said. I'm pretty sure it was " I hold you!" That is what she always said when she wanted someone to hold her. I held and loved her, then the dream was over. I am thankful for that small sweet dream. At times the dreams make me sad, but this one brought some comfort. I am thankful for a Heavenly Father that allows those times with Kamber still!

Flash Backs

Last night and this morning I have been having flash backs of the events when Kamber died. These images are engraved into my mind and at times I don't think I am able to let them go. At the begining when Kamber died these images came all the time, they were so vivid as they are now, but I don't see them as often. The images come and the sheer panic of the events that followed well up inside me. The only way to ease these feelings are for me to pray. Heavenly Father can't totally take these thoughts from my mind, but he can help ease the panic I feel. I don't know if these images will eventually fade away or if this is something I will deal with for the rest of my life. As I scan and view over that day from the beginning to the end of that hard week I remember the little blessings along the way. Little tender mercies that Heavenly Father allowed us to experience, but for some reason those images and thoughts don't come as often when my mind reverts to the images that bring sheer panic and the sick feeling in my stomach. Why is it that I have to concentrate harder to remember the peaceful memories than the sad ones? Everything is all part of the process to eventually somewhat heal. There are many steps through the grieving process and I wish we moved through them step by step, but that is not the case. Gosh, life is a bumpy road and we have to hold on to the Lord for dear life. I know I will make it through, but sometimes I feel as though my fingers start to slip and then I panic, Heavenly Father I need your help, my hands are slipping. He is right there and I grab a hold with some anxiety, but eventually it all calms because I realize who is helping me.

To The Zoo!

Since it is Veterans Day we are going to the zoo! We are loading up the cousins and going to see some animals and having a day of fun. I'm excited to take my girls somewhere they can let loose and enjoy themselves with their cousins. There is always a bittersweet side to the fun now. We were at the zoo not long ago. We went when Brookie was about 2 months old. It was a little warm outside so we packed some lunch and did the water part of the zoo. My girls had so much fun playing in the water, especially Kamber. We remember her running around and splashing. I think her favorite part was walking away from me and going down to the near by water to see the ducks. She loved animals and especially if they were in any water. I remember it being such a fun day and afterwards the kids took a nap on the drive home. I loved this and always enjoyed caring Kamber asleep into her bed. I always would take the extra time to hold her a little longer and hug her extra tight before I would lay her down to sleep. I wish I still could do the same for Tayler and Kylie but they are getting way to big for me to hold and it makes me sad. I love my girls and I am so happy to spend a fun day with them. We know Kamber is with us always and she is not forgotten during our fun times as a family.

Adversity

I just got done reading an amazing book! The title is "The Uses of Adversity." This book was given to me by my mother in law, Teri. Teri and I have been trying to find books to help comfort and guide us through this hard time. We seem to have the same taste in the books we enjoy reading and this one is a great find.
On the back of this book it has a great quote:
" The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is resource in event of pain."
- Carlfred Broderick
That quote sums it all up and is so true. I have always prayed evening and day to keep my children and husband safe. I have always tried to live my life as righteous as I possibly could in hopes that Heavenly Father would not let any harm or accidents come to my family. After my dad died I thought for sure I had endured enough pain that Heavenly Father would not let me go through another heart ache such as that again. I know the night before Kamber died that I prayed for the safety of my girls and thinking that all would be fine for them especially while we were gone on vacation. I had no clue that night would be our last with Kamber in our home. We know what happened that very day and the pain has happened again. I have not blamed my Heavenly Father or Christ for taking Kamber that day. I have realized Kamber was not taken because I have done something wrong because I have lived a righteous life. Just because I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and I choose to live by its teachings and choose to raise my children in the gospel it does not prevent pain from coming into our lives. After reading this book it has knocked me on the head, HELLO, we have to endure pain that is how we learn and grow. We live in an imperfect world and we are imperfect people. We are here to learn and strive to be more Christ like.
I love this book and it has put some things into perspective for me. I can't prevent what is going to happen in this life as much as I wish I could keep my family from enduring any kind of pain. I really don't have any control over my life or any ones life but I do have some guidelines to help direct my family down the right paths to take through this journey of life. And if pain does come our way which it has, I have a resource to turn to and a Heavenly Father to help me through. Adversity comes in many ways and we all have to endure it form time to time. I know we are not alone in our pain we have the best person on our side and he is there waiting for us to let him help.
This book can be found at Deseret Book and the author is Carlfred Broderick.
Happy Birthday to my sister, Becky!

Fasting Today

There have been times in my life I have wondered what to fast for. Really it is simple, you don't always have to fast for something huge or that has been tragic. You can fast for little things that in reality might be something big to you. Here lately there has been lots of big things for our family to fast for and they have not always been just for our immediate family, sometimes you fast for other people. Today our fast is for Uncle Karl and Aunt Sue that we love. They are two people I hope for Ethan and I to be a little like. There kindness radiates through them and you feel there love just by talking with them. What a great example they are to us in so many ways. We are so grateful to be a part of their extended family and get to spend time with them. We love you both and hope all will be well.

Super Saturday

The title of my post is Super Saturday not because life is just grand today, but because I get to go to Super Saturday in my old ward. For those of you who don't know what a Super Saturday is let me explain. It is a day that you get to go to the ward building and do craft project that some of the very talented people in your ward and volunteered to teach and help you make. I am very happy to go back to my old ward and be with some of my favorite people. I think back on the time that I lived out there, which we are coming on a year since I left. I doesn't feel like I have been gone for that long and maybe that is because my friends that still live out there keep in contact with me. Life there just seemed so perfect, I felt I had the perfect life and nothing could go wrong. A huge part of me did not want to move, but I knew we would not be staying forever and people have to move on sometime. I am thankful that today I get to spend time with my friends all in one place doing things that we all enjoy, so that is what makes this day a Super Saturday!

Dora the Explorer

This morning my sweet Kylie bear came in to my room just before 6:00. I was not to excited to be woke up this early because I had been up 7 times the night before and a few times last night. She come over to my bed side and in a soft voice said " Mommy I'm awake and I want to watch t.v. in your room with no sound. I wanted to tell her no but I said yes. She hopped on to my bed and snuggled under the covers. I don't know what she watched first because I drifted off to sleep. The next time I was woken up was about a half and hour later to Kylie saying "Dora is on, yeah." Kylie usually doesn't like watching Dora but for some reason she was excited this morning. It has been 3 months since Dora has been on my t.v. in the morning. Kamber was my morning bird watching Dora in my room. I woke up and sat in bed remembering Kamber and how much I enjoyed watching her watch Dora and talk to the t.v. Brookie woke up not long after Dora started so I got her and put her on my bed to watch with us. She stared at the t.v. making noises. She seemed to enjoy watching the show and seemed to want to talk. I enjoyed this morning remembering Kamber and the cute things she would do and also enjoyed the two bundles of joy I had sitting right next to me. I am grateful that Kylie woke up early to watch t.v. this morning, she helped to bring some happiness to my day with out even realizing she had done that for me. Thank Heaven for Little Girls!

Finding Happiness

Finding happiness in life use to be such an easy thing. I didn't take much to make me happy. Well, I have to say that finding happiness in life has just got harder and easier at the same time. I know this might not make sense but, in my head it makes total sense so I am going to roll with it.
Kamber has died and I never thought there could be so much sadness in ones life as I have experienced. Words can't even explain the sadness that envelops me every day. Deep down there is always a gut wrenching feeling that never goes away. So, majority of the time there is not happiness, but at the same time there is happiness. I now can wake up each morning and be grateful my kids safely slept through the night. When they are hard I can look at them and be grateful they are still here to fight with one another, and it puts a new meaning on what is really hard. I find happiness in just seeing a smile, and happiness in a lot of the small things in life, but the happiness is always bitter sweet. Just because I am happy looking on the outside doesn't always mean I feel the same on the inside, it just means I am trying to be happy for that moment and at that moment my pretending just might work. There are three things in this life that make me the happiest My husband, my girls, and knowing we are an eternal family. That is the only happiness that can never be bitter sweet!

Each Day

Each day I hear of more people having to deal with loss in their lives. I recently I have heard of 5. I have had people come to me asking what they can do to help these people. I am not a counselor and I don't feel I am more spiritual than the next person. I do know the heart ache that comes with loss and the road ahead. I have my faults and have times I am in despair. There are times that I feel totally alone and wonder if my Heavenly Father is really listening. Deep down I do know we are never left alone and Heavenly Father is always there, he loves us enough to let us experience life good or bad.
So for those going through loss my heart aches for you. I know the road ahead and the sadness that comes. I know the things that people will say and the things that people won't say that feels like a dagger to the heart. Life is hard and there are times that I can't believe I said I would endure this life, but if I can help but one person through the journey then my joy will be great. I do know that I jumped for joy to follow Heavenly Fathers plan. I wanted to follow his plan so I could become more like him. I knew I needed to come a learn and experience earth life so I could gain eternal life. I don't know that I understood the pain and sorrow behind my trails, but I know that I excepted this life and couldn't wait to experience it so I could return home. There has been much joy along with the sorrow and I am grateful for that. Now all I need to do is endure to the end, enjoy life the best I can with my husband and sweet girls so I can return to Kamber and my Heavenly Father. She is in heaven preparing a place for our family to spend eternity and she can't wait for us just as much as we can't wait for her. I want to return home to my Heavenly Father saying "Jen you have returned with Honor." Then turn and see Kamber with a smile on her face and arms stretched out waiting to welcome me home.

Voting Day

Today we are to vote for a new President and on many issues that can directly effect our families. I choose not to voice my vote on this blog today because I don't believe in getting into political battles and there may be many that may choose to vote opposite from me. I do hope those that vote today pray to know the right person to vote for and to vote the right way for the props that are presented for us. I have mixed feelings on the voting today, some of my feelings are: let them run us into the ground because that means Christ will be coming to the earth and closer I am to seeing my Kamber again. Then I realize how selfish that really is. So, no lets vote for who will do the best job because that directly effects my kids lives that still live with me here. I don't want them to suffer tremendously because the events before the second coming of Christ seem to be scary. So pray today before you vote that you will vote for the best choice between the two people. I will be voting today that I am making the best choice for me kids futures and know that Christ will come when the time is right and continue to be patient waiting for my Kamber.

Kamber Shirts

I am so shocked by how many people want a Kamber shirt and run in her memory. I did not expect that many people to participate but, I am happy to have all the support! I have found someone that can make the shirts for about $6.oo a piece. I have one more resource to contact and I am hoping they can do it even cheaper. Regardless the shirts should not be more expensive than $6.00. I posted on the sidebar that I need all those wanting a shirt to let me know your size and how many shirts you want. I need you to contact me through the email on the blog. I will be collecting money before I have shirts made and will let all know of the date that I need the money collected by. All contact needs to be made through email please so I can keep track of everything. Thanks for every ones support!

Exhausted

The past week has been exhausting! Today I feel like I can hardly function nor do I really want to. Emotions can totally whipe you out and I am feeling it. One of my girls named Emily that I taught valiant 10 & 11 yr.olds in my old ward came over yesterday. She found 3 videos on her phone that she had taken of Kamber and my girls one of the nights she babysat. The video was only a few weeks before Kamber died. We got to look at the video and it was sooo good to see Kamber but sooo hard at the same time. It was wonderful to see her move, her facial expressions, and hear her sweet voice. BUT, it is another reminder of what is gone, what we can not see and have to wait a life time to hold. So in other words it is absolutely gut wrenching. It brings so much happiness and pain at the same time. We are so thankful for Emily letting us borrow her phone to try and get the videos off so we can also have them. These are one of the few videos we have of Kamber. We have never been great at remembering to use the camcorder, therefore there are not many videos, which is hard to deal with on its own. Pictures are great, but videos do wonders. So today I am struggling to find happiness, actually part of me is mad again, sad, and frusterated. I'm not sure there is much to make me feel better about our situation, but it is all part of the roller coaster and I know I just have to ride it out. It just stinks that there is nothing that I can do about it, nothing at all.

We Made It

We made it through our first Holiday. I definitely had some sad moments and times I thought I couldn't make it through the day with out Kamber, but we made it. The ward Halloween party went well and thank goodness it is over! Today I feel like I have been hit by a semi truck. Ethan and I were talking about how hard it would have been to have Kamber at the party with us. We would have had to have her on a leash. She would have been gone in no time flat. She is such a busy body and there were lots of fun things to do, that she would have been all over that place. But at the same time not having her there was so hard to. We missed her yesterday, but each day brings us one day closer to being with her again. Sometimes that phrase brings some comfort. One holiday down many more to come, at least now I know I really do survive no matter how hard it is. WE LOVE YOU SWEET KAMBER!