I have been reluctant to talk about this particular subject but, feel inclined to today. The words that I speak are just my thoughts and are in no way to speak for others experiences and feelings.
I saw a sweet friend yesterday just before the run and spoke to her for just a minute. I hope she doesn't mind me touching a moment on what I spoke to her about yesterday.
This friend of mine a couple of weeks ago had a miscarriage and she was about half way through her pregnancy. Another dear friend of mine a couple of years ago was pregnant at the same time I was with Kamber and she miscarried 2 months into her pregnancy. I never have had a miscarriage, so two years ago I didn't know what that felt like or understood the emotions to go with that sort of loss. Since my friend was still in the early stage of pregnancy I didn't think that the emotions would be so strong because you don't feel the baby move, or look pregnant. For my friend it was hard as I could feel her pull away from me for a while. I'm sure it made it harder knowing I was still carrying my baby and she was no longer to have hers. About a year and a half later my friend was able to get pregnant again with a beautiful and healthy girl! That girl was born on my Tayler's B-day! I don't know if loosing that baby still bothers my friend to this day or if it something that has faded from her memory and she thinks about it from time to time but the emotions aren't very strong anymore. I do hope she feels comfort and peace about it and knows that I am sorry that she ever had to endure the pain of loosing a baby.
Back to my friend I saw yesterday. I walked up to her and gave her a big hug, as I held back the tears of knowing how she feels. I saw tears come to her eyes as she told me that she has been thinking of me a lot here lately and that she feels she only got a small does of what I have felt and gone through. It made me so sad to here those words come from her mouth for her to think that her loss didn't hurt as bad as mine. Like I said I have never had a miscarriage but I feel that loss is loss. My friend was to find out if she was to have a boy or a girl. Her little kids knew of the new baby that was to be a part of their family and she had to face telling them what had happened. There is pain that goes with that and the wondering of what could have been.
Kambers life was threatened from the beginning all the way to the end of her life. I can look back and see all the times her life was spared and it was many times. I long to hold Kamber in my arms everyday as I am sure my friend does with her unborn child. I wonder what she would be like as she got older as I am sure my friend wonders about her child. I wonder what Kamber would look like as she got older as I am sure my friend does. The only difference is I have some memories, I saw a personality, I got to hold her and love her, I felt her physically. What is easier to deal with? Can you look a mother in the face and tell her which type of loss is harder? I can't, I don't know. Both hurt more than you can even imagine, there are still "what if's" in each situation. The hurt and pain is the same and we hurt for the loved ones we don't have anymore.
I wish I knew for sure if that sweet spirit that was to come to each one of my friends family, comes at a later time or not. I don't know for sure when the spirit enters the body but, I do know that Heavenly Father gives us the children we are to have and that he won't give us a trial that we can't handle. I hope my friends know how much I love them and hope that they continue to heal and hold their heads up, it is hard but ,we can endure.
I have been reading the book "Gone Too Soon" by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. The book is geared more towards miscarriage and infant death but, I am finding that the emotions and thoughts of the mothers who have gone through this type of loss is very similar to what I have felt. They seem to move through there grief faster and able to heal from having another child as I know that won't happen for me because I had Kamber physically here and part of our family, but the feelings and grief the mothers encounter are the same. It's different but, the same.
3 comments:
man jen... can i please hold on to your for strength?? thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, it helps so much. yesterday was so crazy and yet so slow for me! i always think about kamber everyday. sometimes i feel emotional and other times i just smile and laugh when i think of her. but yesterday was one long day of being emotional. i wanted to be at that turkey trot so bad... i wanted to be a part of it. i thought about her all day and the tears would not stop coming. and because of the holiday we were celebrating and for the purpose of the holiday i just could not stop feeling grateful for her life and for the lives that my family and i have to live to get back to her.
we had some teamates come over for dinner with their wives and families. one wife inparticular wanted to do a toast and say what we were thankful for. i knew this moment was coming all day and i knew what i wanted to say but i was so nervous that my emotions were going to get the best of me and i was going to cry through the whole thing. sure enough my turn came and i was very emotional through it. i talked about how precious her life is and how important her mission still is. i told everyone i was glad to have had this trial because it makes you grab onto the sweet things in life more often. i am glad kamber set a bar for us, a very very high bar! man i love that little girl. and i was grateful for that opportunity to express some feelings. although i was emotional and i really didnt want to be, it gave me a chance to bear my testimony on a very important issue to a group of people that are not of our faith.
happy thanksgiving and merry Christmas Kamber!! thank you for everything. we love you guys and look forward to seeing you again!
Thank you Jen. Heart felt words that I needed to hear. You are so understanding. That book sounds amazing. I love you dearly and have faith that I will raise this child one day in the next life. I look forward to being able to hold her/him. Words can't even express...
Love you Jen. I can't wait for the day you get to squeeze Kamber again.
Jen, you always know just what to say. You are so inspired and are helping so many people through this blog as you share your life with all of us.
As I read your post, all of the emotions and feelings from my miscarriage came flooding back to me. That was not a fun time in my life. I, too, read that book in order to make sense of my feelings. It took a long time for my broken heart to heal, but it has, in time.
It is amazing how much comfort can be found as you surround yourself with others who understand your situation. I'm sure your friend found comfort in getting that hug from you!
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