Maybe you were wondering?

I finally had my doctors appointment last Monday. I had been waiting a long time for it. I was excited to go and find out how my baby was doing. I got checked in and filled out the paper work that you always have to do with a new pregnancy. My hubby came with me and I was grateful for that. As I was waiting I started getting really nervous. I told my husband that if they didn't call me back soon that I was going to leave, the anxiety was building. Next thing I knew I burst into tears. Emotions that I didn't expect came on too fast of pace for me to control them and it seemed like the more I tried, the more I cried. I told Ethan that I don't think I could do this. How could I bring another child into this world and feel that joy when I have lost one? Maybe I can't handle four kids and now I am doing it again. The struggle within me was coming out. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I guess there is still guilt along with grief. I will be grateful for the day that I don't have spouts of the overwhelming guilt and grief.

Anyways people were looking and probably thinking I'm just one of those emotional pregnant
women, which I guess I am. Nurses wanted to know what was going on. My doctor understood because he came to Kamber's viewing. He reassured me I wasn't crazy and I get to go back on meds! The meds seem to help with some of the anxiety. Since I wasn't quite sure how far along I was we scheduled for an ultrasound 2 days later.

We went to the ultrasound with no problems this time. I was able to go in and just enjoy seeing my baby kicking around. Everything looked great and I am 12 weeks pregnant! My husband asked the nurse to just check and see if she had an idea of the sex of the baby. She told us that all babies this early normally look like boys but depending on the angle of the nub and other little factors it can give an indication if the nub will disappear. To her it looks like this one is going to be.......... a boy! Don't get to excited, it can change and if that is the case we will be happy anyway. We are just grateful for the children that we have. Anyways... I will continue to keep you posted on how things are going!

How's Your Faith?

Life will always bring different challenges. Sometimes we go through a period that we just seem to soar through life and things are great. At these times it is easy for our faith in Christ to be strong and never ending. How is your faith ? when times are different than what you want them to be. I have always considered my faith to be strong, even in tough times. I feel that I have been able to press forward through the thick and the thin. I have to admit that over the past year and a half I have noticed that I second guess myself and Heavenly Father from time to time. I guess my confidence that Christ knows best is lacking a bit. I hear Ethan say from time to time, How is your Faith? This is one thing I thought that I had him beat on in the spiritual department.

We have some things to think about and things that we are praying for. I am trying really hard to let my faith in Christ take over and know that he knows whats best for us. So as I was sitting this morning thinking about my prayers the thought came to me, How's your faith? I quickly realized that my lack of confidence isn't so much in Christ, but in myself. Will I recognize that answer to our prayers and accept what is to be? I hope I can and become stronger because of it.

Gotta Watch!

I love, love, love this song. Be ready for tears, but well worth it!!!

I hope you feel the sweet spirit of this song. It gives me strength to endure when times are hard. Such a simple reminder to turn to our Heavenly Father and know we can make it through anything.

Remember to pause my music on my blog before watching.

Christmas, to see Kamber

Christmas this year was wonderful. We had a simple Christmas and I loved the spirit of that day. We of course went to visit Kamber's grave and set some decorations. I really enjoyed being at the cemetery this year. There is a special spirit at the cemetery on Christmas, a feeling so different then the other times I go. It hits your heart as you pull in and see all the people that are also there to visit their loved ones graves. The cemetery is decked out with wreaths and red and green everywhere. It is a beautiful site to see. This Christmas there was absolute peace. We cleaned her beautiful headstone and added decorations just for her, perfect. I was glad I didn't feel an overwhelming sadness and could just be at peace on this special day.

We continue to miss Kamber everyday. She is on our minds and always in our hearts. We are excited for this new baby to come, but it doesn't fill the hole in our hearts that Kamber left. We continue to be grateful for our blessings and know that we wouldn't survive without the love of our Heavenly Father.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas season and New Year!