Distraction

I mentioned before that I had watched the movie Twilight. Well, now I have started reading the series. Actually I started a week ago and I am now on the last book. I have read the books as often as I could which is not as often as I would like since I have kids that need some of my attention too.
I have been so enthralled with the books and it has been a nice distraction from my real life. There have been days that I have been sad about Kamber this week but it has been nice to not have to focus on it. Instead I have consumed myself in the books. It is nice to have something to distract me for a while and save me from myself.
I am grateful for the little outlets in my life and from a husband that understands when I need time alone. I think I may have found a new hobby that I like. I never thought that I would like to read but I think that is changing. :)

Remembering an Interesting Conversation with a Little Fishy

I don't know exactly why I am remembering these thoughts from when Kamber was around. Maybe it is because most my prayers to my Heavenly Father have been about how lost I feel. I cling to the faith that I have and struggle to fully trust my Heavenly Father again. I know he understands my feelings and is grateful that I turn to him. I have to say that my relationship with him is probably closer than it has ever been but distant all at the same time. I find that when I pray I talk to him as if he were sitting right next to me. For once I really tell him how I really feel, all the emotions that I have and that I wouldn't tell anyone else. At the same time I find myself angry at him and not sure if I really trust him. Not that I feel he took Kamber from me to be mean but just knowing that if he needs another person in my life that he can take them away too. But with all these feelings, I Love Him.

So back to my thoughts and conversations that I have been remembering lately. One of the last times I took Kamber swimming she was being her usual self. Jumping off the side of the pool, going down the slide like a big kid and laughing. It was routine that she would sneak and take off her floaties and hurry and jump in the pool because she really thought that she could swim. I was always there to grab her and make her put her floaties on. This last time I was constantly getting after her for trying to take her floaties off. She successfully did one time and went down the slide with no floaties on. That was it, I had had it with getting after her and she was scaring me. So no more swimming for that day. I took her into her room to get her out of her swim suit and she was dancing around and laughing.
Here is our talk:

Me: Kamber you have to wear your floaties in the pool.
Kamber: Nooo
Me: Yes, Do you want to drown?
Kamber: YES!
Me: NO you don't that means you die and I would be so sad and cry and cry and cry. I couldn't take it if you were gone. I love YOU!
Kamber: K!

I got her dressed and didn't think of that conversation again.

Now I'm not saying that she wanted to drown or that it was an insight to what was to happen a sort time later. I just thought it was interesting. Who know that one of my worst fears would come true. And yes I am sooo sad and cry and cry and cry, there are times I think I can't take it.

Things to Remember

Today as I was exercising I had Brookie crawling all around me making it as difficult as she could. I kept having to step over her and try to escape her grabby hands. My thoughts turned to Kamber as I remembered how hard she made it for me to exercise also. Kamber would always crawl all over me when she was little and then as she got older she would mimic anything I would do. It was so cute to watch her do the exercises with me. As she grew she loved to be with me in what ever I was doing and when she got bored she was off to making another mess as quietly as she could. I have a feeling those days are coming soon with Brookie. There will be many new memories of Kamber to come through her growing little sister.

Then a new thought of Kamber came to my mind. I started cleaning this big home that I dread keeping clean. I was thinking of each room in this house and what rooms I dread cleaning the most. I would have to say that my room and Kylie's take the top. Then I thought of when I lived in our other home how fast it was to clean since it was smaller. I could run through that house in a hour and it was all clean and I would wish for a bigger home. I pften wondered if I would ever move to a different home. When we started building this home I couldn't wait to spend sometime here enjoying more room. Now I look back at the excitement this home brought but now I think of the sadness and joy that this home brings. Before we moved here I remember that I couldn't get Kamber to sleep completely through the night. She was almost two and I had another baby on the way and I was desperately wanting a good night sleep. The first night we moved in to this new home was the first time Kamber slept through the night and she did from then on. She must have felt comfortable in our new home. She would even put herself to sleep for naps and bedtime on occasion. I look back now and realize how happy she was here. For awhile now I have wondered if we made the right decision to move here and if Kamber would still be alive if we hadn't. I don't know the answer to that question in my heart quite yet but at times I feel peace with the answer of yes to the move and no Kamber probably still wouldn't be here if we had not moved. There are many times that I feel that it was her time to go and she would have been taken another way. But times it is hard to realize that because I felt that I was doing a good job being her mother and that I loved her enough. So it doesn't make sense that somewhere else would be a better place for her to be, even if that is in heaven.

I just wanted to record my thoughts today and remember that Kamber was at peace in this home and that at one time I felt the same way. Maybe someday I will feel that constant peace again.

Dreams

Last night I must have slept really hard because I don't think I even moved. I went to bed last night feeling a little sad knowing that my husband was having a little bit of a hard time. He misses his little girl.

I fell into a deep sleep and then the dream began. I was playing outside with my kids as my life is now. Kamber was not in it. We had some friends kids over playing with us. From out of the blue my friends youngest child was gone. We looked every where for her. Of course the first place even in my dream was the pool. I searched and searched that pool only to find baby dolls at the bottom. Then there was this huge waterfall that appeared out of no where but in my dream it was in my backyard that some how grew 5 acres. We had many people searching the waterfall and pond. No little girl. I was relieved that she was not in there but it was constantly in the back of my mind as we searched for this little girl. I was sure she probably drown and I was sick to my stomach.

After we searched the streets and every where we could think of I had to tell her mom that she had been kidnapped. I was so sad and sick that my friend had to see what it felt like to miss one of her children. I cried and cried knowing that she and her family were worried about there little girl. Guilt overcame me and it was really hard to endure knowing she was lost on my watch. But for some reason in the back of my mind there was hope that this little girl would be found. I kept saying to myself Heavenly Father will help us find her, I know she will be found. But even with the police involved she could not be found, but we would not give up.

Finally there was a lead to who took her and this person had taken a couple of other little children also. Next thing I knew the police chase was on and they had captured the person that took the kids. All of our friends got on bikes to ride down to where the little children were found. My friends made a huge bow to put on my bike so I could ride for Kamber since I was not going to be reunited with her since she had died. I was so happy for my friend knowing that she did not have to go her whole life without her sweet daughter, that it was just one day. I could not wait for her to hold her little girl in her arms again and I could not wait to see her also.

When we got down to where the children were there were a bunch of people holding pink balloons for the little girls that were taken. I saw my friend and her little girl reunited and it was wonderful. Tears poured down my face for them. I couldn't believe how happy I was for them knowing that my life would not change, I could not have Kamber back in this life time. Then out of the blue I just thought I would ask, "Is Kamber here?" To my surprise the answer was YES! I took off running towards the crowd of kids yelling her name. Then out of the middle of the kids a beautiful blond haired girl came running at me with her arms open yelling MOMMY! She jumped in my arms and we both cried because we love each other so much. I knew it was but a moment but that some day it will be forever.

I miss my sweet girl

I miss my blond haired beauty. I don't feel depressed about it today nor do I feel that I am going to cry, I just miss her. I miss seeing her run around me in circles and hearing her talk. But today I feel I can endure the missing since I have to. I feel that she is near, not to far today. I know that she is happy and doing important work. Maybe since I feel her a little closer today, it is because she misses me too and she just wants to be near. Maybe she misses me picking her up and kissing her cheeks. Maybe she misses me telling her I love her and adoring her. Maybe it is missing me smile at her because of how happy she makes me and that makes her smile. A smile is a little harder to come by most days but I feel today I can even though I miss Kamber. I hope she can feel how much we all love her and can't wait to be with her again.

Kamber, we love and miss you sweet heart. I can feel you near, please know you make me happy!

Happy Birthday to Kamber's Daddy and my sweet Husband!

A sence of Normal or maybe Not

So I have heard so much of the book and movie Twilight. It seemed everyone was enthralled with the book right around the time Kamber died. I actually hadn't heard of it till just a few days after. I was asked by many people if I had read the book and even months after have been asked. To be honest my answer was always no. One because I hadn't read it and two because how could I even think of enjoying something at that particular time. My world was broken and reality had hit really hard. I often thought to myself how are so many people so consumed with this book about a vampire love story when there is so much more meaning to life. There are so many more productive things to do with our lives, like spend time with our kids. At the time this is all that consumed my thoughts and energy. I had just lost one of my precious children how could life even be going on? How could I ever enjoy anything again?

If I read a book it was to learn more about the gospel or life after death and wanted to know everything. I was a sponge willing to soak up anything that would help my heart not to hurt so bad. I wanted somehting to mend the pain, maybe even bring her back or wake me from the bad dream. Day in and day out I couldn't find what I was looking for everything seemed to fall short and still does to this day. But I will have to say that a new sense of normal is creeping back into our lives and I can find joy in some things.

After confrence yesterday I watched the movie Twilight to see what all the fuss was about. I was sucked in. Edward, need I say more? Not someone I would normally be intreged with by looks alone but as the movie played on I began to like this Edward. Something about those eyes and the desire he has for Bella, a desire that I think we all wish that our husbands have for us.

I have to say that Ethan is my Edward. One of the first things that I was drawn to were his eyes and the mysertious side to him. Just one time looking into his eyes I was hooked. I loved that there was a mysterious side to him, a little bit of a bad boy. And bad is probably the wrong word since he wasn't bad just fun and a little crazy. He made my heart melt and still has a way to do that for me now. Just as Bella said she wants to live with Edward forever, I am glad that I get to live with Ethan forever!

Needless to say I will be reading the books and I guess it is okay to enjoy some of what life has to offer.

Sissy's Song

Has anyone heard this song by Alan Jackson? This song is so beautiful! My sister told me about it a month ago but I didn't have time to listen to it and then it just fled my mind. Yesterday my sister in law Mindi called and told me I had to listen to a song, that I would love it. I had time to jump on the computer and pull it up. This was the song that struck straight to the heart.

This song talks about my grief and the beauty of passing on. A couple of lines that I really love say:
she flew up to heaven
on wings of angels
and she walks with Jesus

I truly believe that she flew up to heaven with angels. I know with out a doubt that family that has past on were their at her side. She was not alone, she was greeted with loved ones. I also know that she walks with Jesus. She is with him and how special is that! There is beauty behind loss but, sometimes that is really hard to see. Another verse says:
I know she is smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me.

I also know that is true. She is happy and surrounded by loved ones. Her journey here on earth is through and she has made it. I am happy for her even though I miss her terribly. I know that I will be with her again some day and that is what makes us truck on through the sadness.

The two verses that describe my grief are:
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for his love.
There is so much truth is those two verses. There are times my anger is shot straight at God and then I turn and ask or his love. The feelings of grief are so confusing and full of so much raw emotion. Loosing Kamber is the hardest thing I have ever been through and hope it is the hardest never to have to endure this again.

I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father and the tender mercies that he gives our family. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father that loves me and understands me. I am so thankful to know that my loved ones are watching over my sweet Kamber. I know my dad is enjoying having her with him. I am thankful for the special memories I have of Kamber and knowing that she is waiting for me and my family. That will be a WONDERFUL DAY!

The song is on my blog player, click to listen!

Breathing

My sweet Brookie was taken to the doctor yesterday because she was having a hard time breathing and I was sure that the ear infection that she had a week and a half ago was not gone. My good friend got me in at the doctor early and sure enough the ear infections were still there. She also was wheezing up a storm. It was so sad to watch her struggle to breath but through it all she still had a smile on her face. Brookie is such a sweet gentle little girl and always happy.

We did the first breathing treatment on her because her oxygen was low. Then we tested her oxygen level again and it had dropped even lower so the doctor decided we better to another treatment. This treatment lasted about 20 minutes. Brookie was so tired of having the medicine blowing in her face that she fought it for about the first 5 minutes. She then was so exhausted that she finally relaxed and went to sleep for the remainder of the treatment. This was also a sign that the treatment was working and that she could breath better. Her oxygen level was finally in the safe zone and after a hour and a half we could go home with prescriptions and doing breathing treatment every 3 hours.

I heard Brookie coughing in the night and went in to check on her. I touched her back and she was burning up. I picked her up and she was limp, hot and really struggling to breath. I immediately got her some Motrin, and started the breathing treatment. I was worried about her wondering if I should take her to the hospital. I called the on call doctor and decided that we would just watch her since she was on strong antibiotics and continue the breathing treatments. So many thoughts went through me head. I was so worried,a worry that no doctor could understand that doesn't know my situation. There is a new level of worries that occur after you already loose one child. We know that the reality of loosing another is a true reality. Children are taken even from good people and no matter how much you love your children. I held my baby Brookie and prayed to my Heavenly Father. I thanked him for all the blessings in my life and then asked him to help Brookie breath and get better. I told him that I have been having a hard time trusting him again and that I am not totally sure that he wouldn't take one of my children again. But if at some point that was to happen that he was going to have to help me because I can barely endure loosing Kamber. I told him that I love him even though at times I am scared but that I am trying to find my way back to full trust in him. Part of me was torn apart on july 25th, part of me was lost. I too just as Brookie am trying to breath each day.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and understands me. He doesn't judge me for how I feel. He knows I will make a full recovery but that it will take time. As long as I am always reaching out to him I will be okay.

Last night I made a bed on the ground in Brookie and Kambers room so I could hear Brookie breath at night. It didn't matter that the ground was hard I just wanted to be there. I laid listening to her breath remembering the memories of Kamber in that room and loving the memories that are developing with Brookie. There is so much happiness in our family with our sweet girls and I am grateful for each and everyone of them. Though Kamber is gone we can feel her love and presence and what a special blessing it is to have her watching over us.