Today as I was exercising I had Brookie crawling all around me making it as difficult as she could. I kept having to step over her and try to escape her grabby hands. My thoughts turned to Kamber as I remembered how hard she made it for me to exercise also. Kamber would always crawl all over me when she was little and then as she got older she would mimic anything I would do. It was so cute to watch her do the exercises with me. As she grew she loved to be with me in what ever I was doing and when she got bored she was off to making another mess as quietly as she could. I have a feeling those days are coming soon with Brookie. There will be many new memories of Kamber to come through her growing little sister.
Then a new thought of Kamber came to my mind. I started cleaning this big home that I dread keeping clean. I was thinking of each room in this house and what rooms I dread cleaning the most. I would have to say that my room and Kylie's take the top. Then I thought of when I lived in our other home how fast it was to clean since it was smaller. I could run through that house in a hour and it was all clean and I would wish for a bigger home. I pften wondered if I would ever move to a different home. When we started building this home I couldn't wait to spend sometime here enjoying more room. Now I look back at the excitement this home brought but now I think of the sadness and joy that this home brings. Before we moved here I remember that I couldn't get Kamber to sleep completely through the night. She was almost two and I had another baby on the way and I was desperately wanting a good night sleep. The first night we moved in to this new home was the first time Kamber slept through the night and she did from then on. She must have felt comfortable in our new home. She would even put herself to sleep for naps and bedtime on occasion. I look back now and realize how happy she was here. For awhile now I have wondered if we made the right decision to move here and if Kamber would still be alive if we hadn't. I don't know the answer to that question in my heart quite yet but at times I feel peace with the answer of yes to the move and no Kamber probably still wouldn't be here if we had not moved. There are many times that I feel that it was her time to go and she would have been taken another way. But times it is hard to realize that because I felt that I was doing a good job being her mother and that I loved her enough. So it doesn't make sense that somewhere else would be a better place for her to be, even if that is in heaven.
I just wanted to record my thoughts today and remember that Kamber was at peace in this home and that at one time I felt the same way. Maybe someday I will feel that constant peace again.
6 comments:
I think we as mother's could second guess every decision we made prior to our children's death. I seem to do it all of the time. I know it isn't helpful and yet I still do it. I am sure you were a wonderful mom and Kamber loved you because of it. I hope to feel peace in my home some day too. I hope it gets easier for you. I am thinking about you.
Kendalee
The what if's are the hardest! I think about those things a lot as well. If there was something I could have done that would have saved Wyatt but I also think in a way that if it wasn't his heart it would have been something else and for some reason he is suppose to be in heaven. That doesn't make sense to me at all because he couldn't have been in a better place than where he already was. That's also so true about Kamber. She has an amazing mom that loved her but for some reason our precious kids aren't suppose to be in our arms right now. I don't know if we will ever understand the whys until the next life which makes it so hard in this one. Sending my love your way today. I think you are amazing!
Love,
Andrea
You were a great mother to Kamber.. I know she loved being with your family and that is why father sent her to you. I know it is hard cuz, we do always second guess ourselves.. I always say "what if". I love your home and yes it does have many memories that we will never forget. I enjoyed hanging out last night. your family has a special part in my heart.
Jen,
Since I happened onto your blog back in October, even though I don't know you, I have cried with you and delighted in the simple things you have found joy in.
I don't know if you can feel it but through your posts I have seen you grow stronger emotionaly and spiritualy. You have an eternal perspective that for some would take a lifetime. You have risen above your trial and allowed our loving Father in Heaven to mold and shape you into what He knows you can be. It is a complete priveledge for me to read your blog.
The "what ifs" are a part of the grief journey. I'm so sorry we have to second guess ourselves. But you are right. We know are days are numbered (sorry I have my arms full right now and can't go get all the scripture references for you). So all our "what ifs" are more just for our own benefit of processing it all, adjusting to it, trying to understand something that is so much more infinitely bigger than we are. I am glad you have sweet memories with Kamber, but doesn't it just make it that much more of a struggle to not have that now? I am sorry. Believe me, there is not a day that goes by that I don't try to re-play life in a way that would have kept my little Dominic alive. My little Bridget alive. I try to think of everything I could have done, or things I did too much that I shouldn't have done or... but in the end, our children still died. And no matter the 2nd guessing, it won't change. And no matter the 2nd guessing, even if we could go back, it wouldn't have changed things.
When I was in seminary my senior year in Highschool at Highland I had the best teacher and he told me that the Lord wants us all to have our free agency but that he does control when we come to this earth and he controls when they leave. I believe that his hand is in ALL things. You are a wonderful mother, and I also have thought in my mind, what the heck could Kamper be doing there that is more important that being here with you Ethan and all of us. SO FRUSTRATING all those questions we ask ourselves. We love you guys
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