My First Christmas With Jesus

My First Christmas With Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the
Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside
your heart.But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. After all, love
is a gift more precious than pure gold.It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep
each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

This poem was given to me by a sweet reader, Kim.
Thank you of the comforting poem and I am trying to focus on the wonderful Christmas Kamber gets to have.
This will be my post for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday!
Love,
The Larsen Family

Here we go

Tonight is our first Holiday party to go to. It is a tradition on my husbands side of the family to do a Christmas party with Grandma and Grandpa Greer's side of the family. We get to see extended family that we don't see that often during the year. I look forward to it every year and so do my girls. This year I have to admit I am a little anxious knowing that my Kamber is missing out on the fun of being with her cousins. Actually it has been bothering me a lot, I couldn't even sleep last night. I have tried to avoid the fact that Christmas is coming but now there is no avoiding because it is here. I want my girls to enjoy there Christmas and all the fun family things we do. I wish there was a handbook to tell families that have lost a child the best way to deal with the holidays is... Nope no handbook, we get to figure this one out on our own just like everything else.

I am trying to focus on the fact that Christmas is about Christ but, it brings me a 360 back to thinking about Kamber. I wouldn't get to be with Kamber again without Christ. Kamber is in Heaven with Christ and as happy as that makes me at times to know she is happy and safe, it makes me horribly sad also to not get to see her happy face and that is really hard to take. I would not have her come back to this earth now after being in a perfect place with so much happiness but it is sure hard being left behind. I hope she knows we miss her and love her but want her to have the best Christmas ever!

Bills

I think another one of the hardest things in grief to deal with is the medical bills that you have to pay for a child that is no longer living. The people on the other end have NO sympathy! All I ever seem to hear is that we are not paying enough. WHAT? In this economy they should be grateful that they at least have someone paying them period, right? We happen to be lucky enough to be able to pay our bills even the ones that I wish we could just walk away from and it is not enough. The hospital worked on Kamber for about 10 min., maybe a little longer but no more than about 20 before they called it and the bill is outrageous! I am not blaming the rudeness of the people in their billing on anyone that worked so hard to save Kambers life and I truly believe that there was nothing anyone here on earth could have done to save her but, the billing department could be more kind.

Life is just hard in so many ways with out Kamber here and I wold have paid millions of dollars and have it take my whole life to pay off for the chance of someone being able to save her life. It is just hard especially when you are trying your best, being honest and paying what you can to make sure the wonderful people that really tried to save my little get paid.

We do have a family friend that is so kind to help with this hospital bill and make the payments a little more reasonable. Thanks, Brent!

Gone Too Soon

This is a title for a book that I have read and I have mentioned it on this blog before. I have found a quote that I like but don't feel that of now I feel the emotions that it talks about, but maybe some day.

I feel that Kamber is "Gone Too Soon" my hear aches for her. I am happy for her, she has made It! BUt yet I am so sad for me, my husband, my girls, and all the other family and friends that hurt with the absence of Kamber. That is what stinks, we are left here to fight through this HARD battle. Do you see how a mother is torn in so many directions? This is why it is so confusing. You long for your little one but yet know you need to be happy for them. Because as a parent you only want what is best for your kids, right? That is always what I have wanted, I just never thought that I would loose a child. We knew she was special in her own way, but Wow. I know that each one of my children are special spirits reserved for our home and have come at there appointed time. There is so much beauty in that, maybe some day when I get my head somewhat screwed back on we can have another little spirit come stay with us for a while and for my own selfish reasons stay longer that 2 years.

Here is the quote by Sherri D. Whittwer the Author of the book Gone Too Soon:

Perhaps the most exciting element in this stage is that the true greatness and resilience of the human spirit becomes apparent in many lives. Those who endure tragedy can claim to have truly lived - to have experienced every human emotion in the spectrum. Those who survive tragedy join the elite group of mankind who have suffered and triumphed over the depths of despair.

The Bereaved

Bereaved People are like Ducks:

Above the Surface.....Looking Composed and Unruffled
Below the Surface.....Paddling Like Crazy

Secret Santa!

We have had a Secret Santa coming to our home for the past few nights. I admit we have tried to catch him but he is way to sneaky us. Actually we really don't want to know because then that takes the fun out of it. My girls look forward every night to seeing what the Santa will bring! We are grateful for this person bringing a little joy to each day during this very hard time. Were would this world be without the Secret Santa's. Thanks to who ever it is I don't know if you read this blog or not but if so thanks for bringing a smile to my girls faces each day.

We also have had the Young Women in our ward do the 12 days of Christmas in a basket for my girls and they have really enjoyed it also. It is the little things that can make all the difference! Thanks Fremont Hill Young Women!

Look At my little Elves!

Here is the link to watch my little elves dance!

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/fAYmldnMGLuHcpic

Trying to Learn

I want to post for memories later, even though I am still struggling. I am trying every day to learn as I move through this anger. I think it is going to take time and I would rather not elaborate on my feelings until a later date. I continue to do my best as I survive each day and survive is just a down play on my feelings. I guess I didn't realize that these emotions would really come for me. But here they are and I am doing my best.

Kamber Tree

Here is my Kamber Tree and my angel that I found. You can't see all the decorations that I have on my tree but, you can see the purple! Up close the tree looks nice and I am happy with how it turned out for this year. It is still a little bare but that is great because each year we will be adding a new ornament to the tree. I am so happy to have the little angel beside my tree to represent Kamber. Next year I will be decorating my angel, I saw a really cute idea at Michael's.

Anyways here it is and we are glad to have beauty to add to our home. These sort of things will have to do for now since we can't have Kambers beauty here right now.

My anger is not at anybody or from anything that someone has done. It is just part of the grief process another emotions that I have to go through. This feeling is not directed at anyone and doesn't mean that I will be mean or have nasty comments to say. I am just angry that Kamber is gone and that I can't have her here. This is what I am feeling. This is the cold hard truth, and the raw reality of my life. It is what it is and it stinks that I can't change anything. People don't usually see this side of me and that is why when I am told that I am strong I usually say that I am not. Many people don't see me on my bad days, I only let very few people in during that time. So, here it is I am mad and so sad that it physically hurts, just because I look ok on the outside doesn't mean that it is how I feel on the outside. As time goes on for now I doesn't really get easier which I know that is what people expect or hope for. It is a dark road at times to travel down.

Anger

I'm just angry, sad, and confused. I don't know what to feel or how to change it. Life SUCKS and there is nothing that I can do about it! Please no comments for today.

Going Crazy

Okay, I really thought that after the Christmas party last week that my days would be much more calm. Who was I kidding? I am just as busy now as I was then and now I am freaking out. UMMM Christmas is exactly two weeks from TODAY. Do think I have bought one person anything? NOPE... I have to say that part of me thinks that if I pretend that Christmas is not really coming so soon then it will go away. That is a logical way to think, huh? Well since it is not going away and I will have to face the true reality of what my Christmas will be, then I guess I should get busy. Since I have procrastinated I have to deal with the stress. Two weeks should be enough time, cross my fingers. It will be interesting going out to by gifts for my family knowing I am missing one but, it is one more thing that I can't avoid and have to face head on, so here is goes!

Temple Lights

I totally forgot my camera last night when we went to see the temple lights. My family knows that this is routine for me, what don't I forget! Anyways, we went with our friends the McNeil's to see the lights. This is one of the things I remember doing with Kamber at Christmas time. Ethan would put her on his shoulders as we would walk around. She would always give a little giggle at getting to be so high. I can clearly remember the sound of her giggle and the look on her face. We always enjoyed our time there and my girls love the lights. This year was no different. Instead of Kamber on daddy's shoulders Brookie got the privilege. Brookie is growing up so fast that she has grown out of the jackets I had for her so I found one of Kambers jackets that she wore when she was 24 months old. It was a little big on her but not bad. I couldn't believe the resemblance I saw as she was put on top of Ethans shoulders with Kambers gray jacket on. She was so cute. I was so peaceful walking around the temple grounds and seeing the new things that they have done this year. If you haven't gone yet this year, try and take some time with your family to go. I will be well worth the trip to spend time as a family feeling the spirit of Christmas and having another reminder that Christmas is about the birth of thy Son Jesus Christ.

The Finishing Touch

So I have been saying for the past month or so that we are going to get Kamber's headstone ordered. Well it didn't happen till yesterday. I know, some of you are wondering why I would take this long to get it ordered. Well I won't go into much detail because, no offence, there is a good chance you won't fully understand. Here is one little reason why, to me it makes her life here on earth final. That's it period. It means every time I go down to the cemetery that I will see a piece of rock that I tried so hard to make special but will never be good enough for the little girl that's body lays there. It will never fully show her sweet personality and beauty. Every time I arrive to that site it is just another reminder who is missing. My mind will fully connect the name and pictures on the stone to the fact that she is really gone. I guess part of me likes living in the fog for now. Going down to the mortuary was one of the harder things I have done, I thought I would be able to handle it and would want something for my sweet heart, which I do but it has sent me on a tail spin downward. All the raw emotions hit me like a bulldozer. It almost feels like I did that first week, unable to hardly function, only doing what I have to. I tried giving Brookie a bath this morning and she desperately needed one but, I had to pull her out early because of the panic that came over my body. I couldn't handle seeing her in the water. I hate this,why can't I just be grateful for all that I have now? I should be happy that I have a child that is in heaven with my Heavenly Father and doesn't have to endure the pain of this world, right? Well I don't exactly feel that way right now, I'm just sad and miss Kamber, don't worry I'll be okay.

Trees

I got my trees up in my home but, they are not decorated yet. I will post pictures when they are done, especially my Kamber tree. It is so hard to find the right ornaments for her tree. There will definitely be purple and some white to represent how pure she is. I am excited to have something in her honor. We are also trying to find a way to take presents down to one of the hospitals for children that have to be there over Christmas. Ethan my husband would like to do it on Christmas Eve. If any one knows how the hospitals feel about this let me know, otherwise I will call them and find out what would be the best way to do this.
It is amazing how loosing a child changes your perspective so much. Ethan and I have always been the type that is more quiet and tend to keep to our self and our family. Since Kamber has died we have been forced to do things we never would have thought of doing. Before Kamber died we did have a heart for those suffering but, as things got busy in our lives we would move from that thought of those people back into worrying about our selves and family. Now the thoughts of others suffering especially children doesn't just flee from our thoughts. We really truly care, we are not so caught up in our own lives that we forget about the little children or families that may be so close to loosing their children this holiday season. I just wish I had the means to help all of them. If we can but help one child then this holiday season it won't be in vain. There is a new perspective on life that won't be the same as it was before and I feel it is something that can only be taught from enduring this sort of trial. I never could quite fully understand the sorrow and pain that others might fee till this smacked me in the face. Now I look back and wonder how could I have been so selfish, how could I have let the families that have lost loved ones or children who endure illness flee from my mind with only a moments thought. It happens, right? I'm sure I am not the only one who has done this. So what can I do to help just one family have brighter holiday season? Send a note, bake some cookies, donate a gift to someone less fortunate, visit the sick, take a meal, make a phone call, give a hug, or even give a smile. These are all ways to help another. They are all simple but they can uplift another and bring a little sunshine to some ones day. So as the holidays are approaching I am trying to find ways to make someones day a little brighter so they know others really do care.
I hope you all have a wonderful holidays this year.

Did It Really Happen?

I found myself yesterday night looking around my house at the pictures of Kamber on my walls and wondering did she really die? Last night was our ward Christmas Party and I have to say that it was a hit! I really enjoyed being busy and watching everyone enjoy the party. While I was there I thought of how fun it would have been for Kamber to have been there. Would she have been afraid of Santa and realized that it was daddy in the suit or would she have just loved every minute of it? Would it have been extra hard to have her there because she would have wanted to run around the whole church or would she have been happy to sit with me. Oh how I would have loved to have her on my hip to carry around and show off to the ward, a ward that didn't get to know her all that well. I could just envision in my mind her smile and jumping around when Santa came walking through the door to give out candy canes. It would have been so fun! So as the night came to a close we were busy getting things cleaned up, with a lot of help I might add, so that we could get home as soon as possible. I came home to my house with grandma and three of my girls. I am grateful to my mom for helping with my kids. Brookie was in bed and my others were giving grandma a hard time about going to sleep. Soon we got everyone to bed and that is when it hit me. I can't believe this is really my life. Did this really happen to my family? Did Kamber really die? I have her pictures but she really isn't here, there are times my mind just can't really grasp it. I said my prayers and thanked my Heavenly Father for Kamber and that she is a part of our family. I am thankful for the time I did have her and I would do it all again just to hold her, love her, and enjoy her sweet spirit and to have her a part of our family for eternity.

A Little More

Here lately my life has been very busy. I feel as though I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. You would think that since I am so busy that I would not have time to think or focus on anything else other than what I have to get done. As busy as I have been life has been hard, I have thought of Kamber a lot and been struggling a bit. I'm sure it has something to do with Christmas being right around the corner, doing a party for Christmas and knowing that Kamber isn't here with our family to enjoy it, Hmmm could that be it? Even though I am sad and running around I have felt Kamber around me a little more than usual. It's not that I hear her say anything or that I see glimpses of her, which I totally wish I did, but it is just knowing she is here. Maybe I have felt her more often because Kamber now really knows me well and knows that in situations like this I get really stressed out and usually take it out on my kids or husband. She knows that I don't want to be like that so she is here to help and comfort me. I know she is aware of how I long to have her here with us and to enjoy all the fun things we are experiencing as a family. I look forward to putting up are Christmas trees once the ward party is over to see there beauty in my home, especially my Kamber tree. No one knows how hard it is for me to have to wait to put my Kamebr tree up. For me it is a great sacrifice to let the ward use my tree for the party and for me to wait. It is a sacrifice for me to throw a Christmas party for others when inside I hurt because my sweet Kamber isn't here with us this Christmas or any other to come. It is a sacrifice to endure each and every day but, I know the reward at the end is made sure. If I but endure my prize at the end of the journey will be joy 100 fold. That is something I just can't fathom so faith will just have to step in. I am grateful that Kamber is spending a little more time around us to help us through even though it doesn't take all the pain away, but I will take her in spirit if that is all I can get right now. I am grateful for all my girls and husband. I am thankful for thy Son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me and my family.

I am excited for everyone to come to the Christmas party tonight even though getting it ready has been hard. It is funny how hard things can bring joy. There is a lot of stress but lots of enjoyment especially when you get to meet new friends and then see the happiness on others faces as they enjoy what you worked so hard on for them. I really hope everyone enjoys tonight and feels the spirit. I am grateful for my new ward and for my new friends. We couldn't have asked for better people to be a part of our lives. Thanks for all the help with getting tonight ready! Thank you Kamber, Tayler and Kylie for helping out your crazy mother :)

Santa is Comming!

It is Friday, Yeah! Today is a crazy day for me, but that is okay because it is almost time for our ward Christmas party. That means the stress is almost over. My committee members and I have planned a great Christmas party for the ward this year and I am excited to have everyone come and be a part. Our theme this year is Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Some of my friends will recognize this theme from a couple years ago for an Enrichment in my last ward. A sweet friend of mine thought of the theme and that enrichment that year was wonderful. I took that theme and did my own program. I wanted this year for all the members of the ward to feel the spirit, that the kids and adults will be reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. I wanted everyone to leave feeling uplifted and inspired, but yet to have had fun enjoying the members of the ward. And of course, Santa will be there! I have a close relationship with Santa and he has agreed to come to our Christmas Party! Thanks for taking one for the team Santa. I'm sure he will be glad to come and then he won't stay long because he has a lot to do at the North Pole :)

As we think of Christmas this year lets all remember what one of our dear prophets said-

"At this time of Christmas, this season

when gifts are given, let us not forget

that God gave His Son, and His Son gave

His life, that each of us might have the

gift of eternal life." - Gordon B. Hinckley

Turkey Trot!

Okay I know it has been One week since Thanksgiving, but here is a picture of family and friends at the turkey trot. It was a lot of fun seeing so many Kamber shirts through out the race. My favorite part was seeing my family at the end of the race cheering me on. I didn't sleep much the night before because of the rain, I prayed that Heavenly Father would allow the rain to stop just long enough to run for Kamber and if he wanted it to pour after that, then so be it. My prayer was answered and the rain stopped long enough for us all to finish the race. Right as the last people were crossing the finish line the rain started up again and I know that wasn't just a coincidence. I felt that Kamber was there with us all the whole time and every time I wanted to stop I just thought of Kamber and the fact that I was doing it for her. I felt as if I would get a little push and I endured to the end, which felt as though it was never going to come.
Life has seemed like that a lot here lately. There have been so many times I just want to give up. I don't want to endure this life with out Kamber and there seems to be no end in sight. I just have to have faith that there is an end to the pain and I can endure till that time.
Thanks to all for your support and willing to endure for me and Kamber!

Come What May and Love It

As I am hearing about the passing of Elder Wirthlin, there is a sadness in my heart. His family is feeling the loss of a dear loved one, the church all around the world is feeling the loss of a kind leader. Though I have never personally met Elder Wirthlin my heart is saddened by his passing and yet finding some peace and comfort from it also. He is an apostle of our church and such a sweet kind man. He spoke at our last General Conference in October and his talk touch my heart. His words were so sweet and kind, I felt as though he was talking directly to me. Out of all the things that he said during his talk I clung to the phrase that his mother would say to him when ever he was down about something- "Come what may and love it." As we have gone through this hard tragedy of loosing Kamber I have struggled with so many of my emotions. Since Elder Wirthlins talk I have tried to accept what has happen, I don't know that I will ever love it but, I feel that I can come to the time eventually that I can feel peace about it. That might be a long time down the road and when it does come it won't mean that I won't still be sad or no longer miss my Kamber. It will mean I just have peace of mind. I am thankful for Elder Wirthlin's service given to our church and especially for following the spirit in giving a wonderful talk at conference. What beautiful words were spoken for his last encouragement to the saints before he return to our Heavenly Father.

I have thought a lot about what kind of a homecoming he had when he return home to our Savior. What the excitement that must have been like for an apostle of the Lord to return. I have thought about Kamber, was she there? Had she known him before she came to this earth. We were all together in the spirit world before we came to receive a body and I know we knew more spirits than people we ever meet on this earth. Was he a long time friend of hers or is he someone she will get to meet now and know on a personal level. I'm sure it was a neat homecoming and that he is happy. For his family left here our thoughts and prayers go out to them that they will fill the comforters arms wrapped tightly around them and feel the love of the saints for them and Elder Worthlin.

Sometimes we are touched by Angels on Earth

This morning my mind was turning round and round. A million thoughts were running through my head. I was ready to vent, I was ready to let all my raw emotions out and really let everyone see the deep darkness that I endure. My life has extremely changed and a lot of the time it is very hard to take. I have found myself soooo tired, tired of being strong, tired of having to endure everyday. I feel as though I want to give up I don't want to carry this trial any more, I don't want to be sad, I just want it all to go away.Sometimes you just feel like your heart is so heavy your going to fall over. I found myself there this morning, done, done with everything. (Please don't read into this more than what I am saying, I'm just talking about emotions.)

I got on my blog this morning ready to let it all hang out and ready to go private and just keep all my feelings to myself. Till this morning when I found 1 comment on yesterdays post. I wondered what that comment might be so I clicked. Oh, it was my good friend Shasta and she regularly leaves comments, which I always love hearing from her. I think she is one of the most kind, loving, and absolutely adorable people I know. She has not treated me any different since Kamber has died and I am so grateful for that. I read her comment this morning and she referred me to a song on her blog so immediately went to listen. She was inspired, the song brought tears and wonderful thoughts of Kamber. Once again I was reminded of her mission and mine. Kamber is gone and I am left here to help others. We don't often see how we help or who we are helping but that doesn't matter as long as we are trying everyday to be an example and striving to do what is right and endure to the end. My feelings of frustration and anger passed and a calm came over me. I felt the love of Kamber and my thoughts at that moment were made sure. There was no confusion over my feelings, they were nothing but peace and comfort that I can endure. After I listened to the song I prayed to my Heavenly Father and thanked him for Shasta and her sweet spirit and following her feelings of sharing that song with me. I don't know if she thinks she was inspired but I know she was. Heavenly Father knew my thoughts and feelings, he has known how tired I am, therefore he knew what I needed.

Sometimes we are touched by Angels on Earth.

Thank you Shasta!

The song is Someday by Celtic Women and I have also put it on my playlist.

Just Hold On

I take one step at a time and grab that rod of iron and hold on, hold on. That thought has come to me here lately. At times I feel as though I've got a firm grip and my feet are planted firmly on the ground. I know all the things that I am sure of. Other times I can feel my hands slipping and my legs beginning to shake. Just hold on. Emotions are crazy and I never know when sad times are going to pop up. Yesterday I was feeling the earth move beneath me and I didn't know what to do. I felt as if I had froze. I could feel the anxiety building in me and the panic starting. It came from no where, I don't believe I was thinking of Kamber at the exact moment it began. I wasn't thinking of the day she died and that is what usually brings on the moments of panic, but I was preparing to go to church. I was in a panic about going to church. I didn't feel as though I could do it. I left for church earlier than Ethan and my girls because I had to get posters set up and invitations handed out for our ward Christmas Party. As I pulled up the panic was even stronger, and I could feel myself fighting back the tears. I kept thinking in my head I don't want to do this, I can't do this. I was afraid all I would do is cry. It was bothering me that Kamber wasn't with me that Sunday. I forced my tears back and walked into the church and started getting everything situated and put out for people to grab and see. I sat in the back row of church just in case I felt I would need to dart. As I sat and waited for my family I kept getting a lump in my throat trying not to let my emotions get the best of me and I didn't want anyone to see me crying. I just wanted my girls and Ethan there, I just needed them there. Finally 5 min. before church started in walks my sweet husband and my girls with smiles on there face. My Kamber wasn't with them but the anxiety subsided as I knew we were all together. She is there in spirit all the time and many times it doesn't feel as though we are missing one. What a great blessing it is to have her with us and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father allows us to feel her. I am taught by her everyday. It is funny because while we are here on earth we are to teach our children and when a little one passes it is them that is teaching us. I couldn't have asked for a better loving and kind teacher than our Kamber.