The Finishing Touch

So I have been saying for the past month or so that we are going to get Kamber's headstone ordered. Well it didn't happen till yesterday. I know, some of you are wondering why I would take this long to get it ordered. Well I won't go into much detail because, no offence, there is a good chance you won't fully understand. Here is one little reason why, to me it makes her life here on earth final. That's it period. It means every time I go down to the cemetery that I will see a piece of rock that I tried so hard to make special but will never be good enough for the little girl that's body lays there. It will never fully show her sweet personality and beauty. Every time I arrive to that site it is just another reminder who is missing. My mind will fully connect the name and pictures on the stone to the fact that she is really gone. I guess part of me likes living in the fog for now. Going down to the mortuary was one of the harder things I have done, I thought I would be able to handle it and would want something for my sweet heart, which I do but it has sent me on a tail spin downward. All the raw emotions hit me like a bulldozer. It almost feels like I did that first week, unable to hardly function, only doing what I have to. I tried giving Brookie a bath this morning and she desperately needed one but, I had to pull her out early because of the panic that came over my body. I couldn't handle seeing her in the water. I hate this,why can't I just be grateful for all that I have now? I should be happy that I have a child that is in heaven with my Heavenly Father and doesn't have to endure the pain of this world, right? Well I don't exactly feel that way right now, I'm just sad and miss Kamber, don't worry I'll be okay.