Brighter Days, Till...

The past couple of days have been brighter! I look forward to days that I can get out of bed and do my daily routine and feel some sort of hope. Today was one of those days till... I was going through one of my cupboards and saw the container that I have a piece of Kamber's hair in. At the hospital I braided a piece of Kamber's beautiful blond hair and cut off a piece to have. I don't touch it all that often because it is the only tangible thing that is truly her. I can still smell her in her hair but it is mostly the way she smelt that last day I saw her alive and then held her lifeless body in my arms.

Today seeing and holding her hair triggered something in me. I held it tight and then put it down telling Heavenly Father that "Today I am Angry. " "I am angry that Kamber had to go!" I could feel the anger throughout my body and then I could feel my body slump over. Why, Why do I feel this way? Why do I have to endure? I don't want just memories of my sweet daughter, I want her here. I MISS HER.

I understand the plan but yet I don't. I love the memories but yet I don't. I want time to fly by but yet I don't. This road I travel is lonely and ugly. I miss my sweet little girl.

I send love and hugs to all those who have lost a child. The pain is great but in the end our pain is promised the be reciprocated one hundred fold.

Accepting

Do you ever get to the point in grief that you actually accept the loss? I have felt that lately I have done pretty good. I felt that I have been accepting that Kamber is gone and looking forward to the day that I get to see her again. Just when you think that all is okay a wave comes and takes you down. I woke up this morning feeling sick but not because I am physically sick right now but that emotionally, spiritually, mentally sick feeling. The longing to see Kamber this morning. It was horrible waking up and knowing I can't just walk into her room and see her. Why does this have to linger every day. This is not a battle I want to trudge through, some day s I want to just give up and not get out of bed. Do I really have to face this reality day after day? The answer is always, YES.

It is so exhausting to feel okay some days and then angry other days. It is not mind over matter, it is what it is and it is HARD. I do know that I will be with Kamber again and I know that she does come around us and those times are wonderful. But I am human and it is hard not to have her physically here. Time goes on and this day will soon pass and hopefully tomorrow will bring happier feelings.

The Pieces of my Heart

It is amazing when enduring hard trials there is growth as a person during those times. I have always considered myself a spiritually strong person with a close relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My faith has been tested from time to time but nothing like the here and now. When Kamber first died I don't think I had ever been more close to my Heavenly Father or my family. I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost like I have never flet before. I felt strong and knew my little girl was being taken care of. After the first couple of weeks the reality started to set in. I realized that Kamber had really died and that I was not waking up from the bad dream, IT WAS MY REALITY. My heart, testimony, and every thing I knew about was shattered into a million pieces. I found myself looking at the pieces that at one time formed what I thought was me and didn't recognize them at all. How could this have happen to my family? My world was spinning. Little by little I have tried to pick up the pieces and I think it is going to take a life time to put them back together. Each piece I am finding is different now, the peices don't look the same and sometimes don't fit the mold so I lay them back down and search for another one. Time doesn't seem to heal, it just takes life in to different feelings and meanings. My testimony has grown and other times I wonder what I truly believe. I always seem to find my way back to the teachings of the gospel and how grateful I am for it. It doesn't take the pain away but it is nice to have it to cling to especially through this sort of trial.

Since Kamber's passing we have had an outflow of people reaching out to us. We had never know the true amount of friends or have never been ones to so freely talk about our beliefs and share our testimony. Ethan and I have had many people ask us about the gospel and it has been great to share it with others. There is always a special spirit when we talk of our testimony of eternal families. We don't only believe that we will see Kamber again but that we will be together as a family unit as we are now. I will still be married to the love of my life and my girls will still be sisters and we will enjoy each other as we do now. That is one of the greatest gifts that Heavenly Father has given us!

I won't ever be grateful for the trial of Kamber dieing but I feel I can be grateful for the things I learn along the path of making my way back to my Heavenly Father. Some days I can't see any good and could care less for things learned and the happiness of other families. But there are many times I can see the sweetness of my Fathers love for me and my family. I see the special spirit that Kamber is and how grateful we are to have her in our family. We did something right for Heavenly Father to trust us with one of his most righteous children and I would endure all this pain over again to have Kamber in our lives and waiting for me when I die, that will be a wonderful day! For now I try to enjoy every minute with my family and pick up the peices to my heart very slowly. I want to make every piece one to remember.

1st Birthday in Heaven

I want to start off by thanking every one that brought over flowers, gifts, cards and took time to say hi and call on the phone to wish Kamber a Happy Birthday. The show of Love and support to our family was amazing. I woke up in the morning to purple balloons on my home and down the neighborhood streets and homes. It was so fun to see all the purple and then a sign was put in our lawn that said " We Love U Larsens!" I was fun to see how much people really did care for us and remembered our sweet Kamber. I spent most the morning answering the phone or answering the door to beautiful flowers for Kamber. My home smells so good thanks to the flowers delivered. I received beautiful gifts that were heart felt and had beautiful meaning behind them that I will keep forever. Thank you to all who had kind words and came to celebrate Kambers Birthday!


Here are some pictures of her big day.

Here was are standing in front of Kambers grave.

The sign in our yard.

Here is Kambers grave decorated with purple flowers, pinwheels, and birthday balloons!

This is the balloon release. We had 45 balloons in purple and pink. There was one white balloon that was Kambers angel balloon. We had little papers tied to the balloon with special messages for Kamber.

Kambers Birthday cake, Tayler and Kylie had the honors of blowing out Kambers candle.

This is a blanket with Kambers picture on it. This blanket is beautiful! Shasta found a way for me to give Kamber hugs any time I want!

Kamber's Birthday!

Happy Birthday Kamber! She would be 3 yrs. old today. We are so happy to have had Kamber in our life for her short time on earth. We know she is with us today and can see all that we are doing to remember her.

We love you sweetheart and hope you have a Happy Birthday!

Scroll down to see some of our favorite pics. of Kamber.


Last Family picture.

Proud big sister. She loved Brookie!

Easter this year.

Turning 2 yrs.

Kamber's 2nd Birthday Party! She was so cute.

Kamber loved to smile like this to make us laugh.

Our snow trip on Kamber's 2nd Birthday. She loved the snow!

Kamber was more interested in the bow from her presents than her gifts.

Kamber's 1st Birthday! We had heart balloons and pink cupcakes. Kamber loved eating her first cupcake.

Best Friends!

Proud Daddy and big sisters!

Kamber was born February 10, 2006. We were so happy to have another cute little girl!

Kamber's Daddy

Let me tell you about Kamber's Daddy. I don't mention him much on the blog and he chooses not to write his feelings. But I don't want him to go unnoticed or be in the background because he is the center of our world. I have always said there is something special between a dad and his daughters. Especially with Ethan and Kamber. Ethan seemed to be Kambers favorite person in the whole world. You could tell that he was wonderful in her eyes! Kamber didn't like it when daddy would leave for work and she always had to give him a hug and kiss before he left and she was the first person at the door when he came home. Ethan always had time to play with the girls no matter how tired he was. He loved teaching Kamber the animal sounds and saying I Love You! Kamber loved to give her daddy big hugs and kisses. Each night Kamber would hop on Ethan's lap and that is where she would fall asleep. You could see Ethan's heart melt each time he would kiss her goodnight and lay her in bed. Ethan loves his little girls and misses Kamber but he clings to the faith that he will be with her again.

Ethan has been our rock through this trial. He has an optimistic personality and trys to look for the good in any situation. Standing 6"5 ft. and with his deep voice he can seem intimidating but he is truly the biggest teddy bear you will ever meet. He has the biggest heart and a love for life. Kamber seemed to get her heart from her daddy. I know Kamber watches over her daddy everyday and she can't wait to be able to throw her arms around his neck once again. Kamber loves her Daddy and we are so grateful to have him in our lives!

Kamber is Here!

This morning I walked outside to throw some things away in the garbage and it felt wonderful outside. I thought to myself "What a beautiful day!" I walked through our gate and looked over towards the pool. We have a big pot of beautiful purple flowers near our pool and the sight was beautiful today. As I looked at the flowers I had an overwhelming feeling of Kambers presence and the thought came to me again, What a Beautiful Day! It was as if I could feel what Kamber was saying. I kept looking over at the flowers to see if I could see her presence but I couldn't. But the feeling of her there was almost overwhelming. I didn't want to walk away but I knew I needed to get inside so I could get my girls ready for school. As I walked back through the gate I took one last look and a second to just feel and thought to myself " I know you are here Kamber and it is a beautiful day."

I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father and daughter that allow me to still feel their presence and that they reassure me that they love me. I know that Heavenly Father knows each one of us individually and he really does want us to be happy. Trials are a part of this life and I know there is a purpose behind them as hard as they might be. We somehow are to learn and grow. I hope I am doing just that so I can stand before him some day and say that I endured well. I did my best to learn and Kamber's life wasn't lost in vain.

Thank you Kamber for coming to me today and reminding me of the beauty of the simple things in life! I Love You.

Sunday Lessons

I walked into Relief Society and my eyes caught the picture sitting on the table. It was a picture of a new born baby. My first thought was how cute and as I walked closer I could see an oxygen tube in the babies nose. I sat down next to one of my friends and just stared at the picture. I immediately felt anxious thinking about what the lesson might be. I continued to stare at the baby in the picture thinking of the innocence and joy a child brings and how much I love my girls and thought of my angel Kamber. I turned to my friend and said "I don't think I am going to like this lesson because of that picture." She immediately put her arms on my shoulder to comfort me. As the lesson began I noticed myself tuning out as I continued to look at the picture of the sweet baby. I thought to myself that this baby is someones child and I was pretty sure the baby had passed away or had many complications and maybe had a miracle outcome. I started to think what if this baby is a miracle baby and Heavenly Father granted this family the miracle of saving his life so that they can enjoy him on this earth? I thought "oh no. I can't handle hearing about that. What about my miracle? Who saved my daughter from deaths grips? Nobody..." Soon after my sadness and anxiousness my feelings turned to peace as I remembered the comfort I felt as Kamber passed away, we knew in our heart that she was gone and in the prayer said by my husband before Kamber was transported to the hospital was that Kamber would be okay and we knew what the outcome and answer was. She was okay in our Heavenly Fathers arms.
Soon after the teacher started telling her story of her grandson Brookie started screaming. Maybe this was a blessing for me not to hear the details of the short life of this baby. I am glad that I could feel some peace at this time about that little boy and my Kamber knowing where they are and how special they are. Feeling peace doesn't take the pain away behind the loss but it does help us to endure.