The past couple of days have been brighter! I look forward to days that I can get out of bed and do my daily routine and feel some sort of hope. Today was one of those days till... I was going through one of my cupboards and saw the container that I have a piece of Kamber's hair in. At the hospital I braided a piece of Kamber's beautiful blond hair and cut off a piece to have. I don't touch it all that often because it is the only tangible thing that is truly her. I can still smell her in her hair but it is mostly the way she smelt that last day I saw her alive and then held her lifeless body in my arms.
Today seeing and holding her hair triggered something in me. I held it tight and then put it down telling Heavenly Father that "Today I am Angry. " "I am angry that Kamber had to go!" I could feel the anger throughout my body and then I could feel my body slump over. Why, Why do I feel this way? Why do I have to endure? I don't want just memories of my sweet daughter, I want her here. I MISS HER.
I understand the plan but yet I don't. I love the memories but yet I don't. I want time to fly by but yet I don't. This road I travel is lonely and ugly. I miss my sweet little girl.
I send love and hugs to all those who have lost a child. The pain is great but in the end our pain is promised the be reciprocated one hundred fold.
9 comments:
I too am thankful when the grief wave passes for a minute and you feel somewhat "normal". I had a bad week last week. But this week seems to be a little better with each new day, warm weather, excercise, etc.
I'm sorry that you hurt for Kamber so much yesterday. When you see those earthly reminders of them it is so hard and real. I can't imagine what you must feel and yet I can. Mia was sick and we were told that she would die. Of course as parents you never want to believe your child will die and you never loose hope. But as for you with Kamber, such a sweet, darling, healthy, happy little angel! I can only imagine your hurt and anger each day. You are a strong person, I see it in your posts. The Lord loves you, and will love you through your anger. He does understand. I know you know all of this.
My thoughts are with you, I visit your blog often. Thanks for your spirit of love. Nicole Holland - Mia's mom ^i^
Oh, how I know that anger. Grief comes in waves as does the peace. Everytime I think of Kamber I think of Evan. The way they died...so similiar and (their death) only two weeks apart. And the love of water they both had...such similiar personalities and never having met in mortality. I often wonder why the Lord needed all these sweet babies so desperately. My heart is with you.
much love,
Angela (Evan from Heaven's mom)
I look forward to the days when I feel normal. But those don't come often for me right now. With all the health problems Douglas is having, it seems like a constant reminder. Life is so fragile and anyone can slip through our fingers at any time.
I told my Mom the other day that I feel robbed. I feel robbed of the innocence that a Mother who has never lost a Child carries. I am SO over protective of Douglas now. I am so paranoid that something is going to happen to him too. I feel robbed of the days when I could sleep through the night without waking up to see if my Son is still breathing.
I agree with you - I understand the Lords plan, but at the same time, I don't.
I come here often. I don't leave any comments because I feel I don't have any words that I feel could help. Today I just want you to know that I am here for you, that I think of you often and that you and your family are in our prayers. My heart hurts for you, I wish I knew what I could do more for you. If you need any thing please let me know. I am home all day, mostly every day.
Jenny
Lonely and ugly...exactly. When it hurts the most I feel so alone that not even thinking of my fellow angel baby moms helps at all. And I get so tired of my kneejerk reactions when someone unknowingly says or does something that hurts or offends me, of my doubts creeping back in, of my questioning and anger. It *does* feel UGLY. Its so to hard to shake it off and try to have faith and acceptance.
I'm so so sorry. She is so beautiful. I hate this grief monster. It is so huge. I loved everything you wrote and relate to it completely. I am angry they had to go. I am confused. I am sad and lonely too. It is so hard.
I wish there were more than words...
I understand the anger and the ups and downs all too well. It's so hard. It seems for me when I have a few good days there are always the bad right there waiting. Little things seem to trigger it. I'm so sorry you even have to go through this...none of us mom's should have to do this. It's just beyond hard! Hang in there...sending my love.
Andrea
Wyatt's mommy
Thinking of you. We need to get together more.... loves
Ahh the wave that hits without warning, picks us up off our feet and takes us for a ride down paths we would rather not visit and revisit and revisit.
I am sorry. I know how those days/nights are when the wave hits. Sending you love today. Love and a prayer to help you survive this wave and get a good breath of steadiness that will help you survive the next.
love,
stephanie
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