Last day of just having girls

So tomorrow is the day. Our family will once again change forever, but this time at least it is a good change! I was thinking today about how many times I talk about the girls and I and same with Ethan,he talks about he and his girls.

It has been fun having a family full of girls. They make me so happy and I know that they are learning to be good big sisters and someday to be great mother's. I have enjoyed doing their hair and nails. Dressing them up is so fun to do. I love getting to hear how cute all my girls are and hearing people tell Ethan that he was in trouble in a couple of years when they are all teenagers. That always gave me a little chuckle. I think I am going to miss it just being me and the girls. I don't think I know how to just relax and let a boy be a boy. Hopefully I don't make him into a sissy boy. With Ethan being his father hopefully that will never be able to happen.

We are excited for tomorrow to come and take us on this new adventure. When Tayler was born Ethan and I were young. I remember Ethan being so nervous to hold her and be with her for too long and same went for Kylie since she was born just 16 months after Tayler. Little babies made him so nervous, especially if they were his own. By the time Kamber came around we were a little older and Ethan would pay a little more attention but you could still tell he was a little nervous. And with Brookie it got a little better. Ethan and I were talking this morning about having another little one and ready or not here he comes. I was mentioning to him about how protective he has been through this pregnancy and that I am shocked that he himself was talking about taking pictures at the hospital. (something he has never liked to do.) I told him how I think he is a little different this time around. His answer was " I am getting older." I guess since we are almost 30 we are finally starting to act like adults and ready to be parents. We now have a better understanding on how precious life is and what a miracle it is to have our children born safely. I know now that we have a different outlook on life and our little one as we go in tomorrow.

So today we will enjoy our girlie's and look forward to our baby in blue!

Four Days!!!

Four days till D-Day. I have started the count down even though it still doesn't feel real that I will be having a boy. My fears and concerns are still lingering but I know somethings that will help to calm my troubled mind.

Today I choose to focus on the now and right now I am feeling the urgency to clean. All I can think about is clean house and do laundry!!! Literally in my mind everything needs to be sterilized. I think I drive my family crazy because it is almost all I talk about. Tayler was in Kindergarten when I had Kamber. Valentines Day was just days after Kambers was born, so the teacher was having the children make Valentines cards and treats for the parents. Tayler's card was so cute! You know,it was one of the cards that asked questions about you like how tall is your mom? How old is your dad? And the answers to those questions are like 100 feet tall and 70 years old. Those cards always make for a good laugh. Well, at the bottom of Tayler's card is said "What does your mom say to you the most?" Which of course you would hope it says something like I Love You! Tayler's answer to that question was "Clean UP." Not the answer I had expected, but at the time was probably so true since we just had a baby. S0 I was a little crazy about it then also. New Baby=Clean House and this time around I will remember to say I Love You along the way. :)

36 weeks and a Baby Coming Soon!

Monday I went into the doctor for my 36 week appointment. In a lot of ways I feel the time has flown by, but by the evenings I am miserable and it feels like this pregnancy is never ending. We all love our last months check ups don't we! NOT,Very uncomfortable, but nice to know that the end is coming soon.

With the past 2 pregnancies my doctor has done an ultra sound around 37 weeks to see how big my babies are getting since my Kylie was over 9 lbs. Each time my babies seem to get bigger. Kamber was 8.12 at a week and a half early, then Brookie 8.8 at 2 1/2 weeks early. So Monday we did an ultra sound and my boy is 8.1 and I am 36 weeks and a few days. I had a feeling he was a big baby and what do you expect with Ethan being his daddy. I love Ethan's build, he has a very large strong frame. I love that he is 6'5 and muscular without even trying. I love that Ethan is athletic and most everything comes easy for him. I hope my boy is a lot like him. So far it looks like his body type will be!!!

Have you heard of white boys being wimpy? That is what I hear, at least if they are born early their lungs have a harder time than any other race. My doctor wants to induce me next week for fear of how big my boy will get if we just let me go. So early next week I will be poked in the stomach to get the amnio fluid to test his lungs. No numbing mind you and if you know my fear of needles then you know that it is a scary thing for me. I've been through worse though, it is called labor. That is coming soon and it is scary and exciting at the same time. :/

Our little boy as of now is scheduled to make an appearance next Thursday! I still have a hard time realizing we are having another baby let alone a boy. I worry that everything will go well. Will I really leave the hospital with another one in my arms?Am I really going to be able to keep all the rest of my children on earth with me? I've had four children with me once before and it seemed that right as I admit that four children was quite hard,one was taken. I still hope not for reasons of me not being able to adjust easily to 4 kiddos running through the house. Just one of the many questions that have run through my head since Kamber's death. So when my girls walk into the room to meet their new brother I will count three of them, and the picture at the hospital will be with 3 girls holding a baby. Same picture as last time even though 5 children will be in the room one will be missing in the picture, that makes me sad. BUT, at the same time who gets to have a true angel, one of your own to send a new special spirit to a family. I know not many, but we do. I know Kamber will be by our side and by the side of our sweet little one as he leaves our Heavenly Fathers arms and into ours. For this I am grateful and continue to try and focus on. It is such a bitter-sweet time for us with only days away from Kamber's passing. Heavenly Father works miracles and so I am sure this is how it is all meant to work out. The remembrance of life before this earth and life after death all tied together for one purpose, which is to return to our Heavenly home.

Fighting

FIGHTING, that is the word that tears at my heart and sole this past week. July is very bitter-sweet. I have had a lot of things going on to cloud my mind and make days and weeks seem to pass swiftly. Now that things have settled a little it allows me to ponder a little more.

We have met many people in our new ward and they have all been so kind. The question of how many kids we have has come up many times and I have answered with a smile on my face feeling ok with the responses I have been given. It hasn't been as hard as I expected mentioning Kamber.

In a few weeks it will be 2 years since she passed away. Time now has really seemed to have flown by. I look back and wonder how in the world I have made it this long without her. How has life seemed to get back to somewhat normal?

Emotions have been creeping up on me. I was hoping that planning on a new baby to arrive would blurr all the emotions surrounding this month of sadness. Instead I find myself worrying that my new bundle of joy will arrive on or too close to the death of Kamber. I don't want that day tied to him in any way.

Today my heart aches for Kamber. Have I mentioned how glad I am that we are not in the other house. I am glad that I don't have to see the physical evidence of why Kamber is gone anymore. My mind can remind me plenty. I am so glad that the scene of the accident no longer surrounds me.

So today I will continue to hold my head up high even though my heart hurts. I will strive to be grateful for how far we have come. I can continue to look to the future putting on step in front of the other. I know it may be hard, but I am looking forward for our little ray of sunshine to arrive!

4th of July from the past

Growing up the 4th of July was one of my all time favorite holidays. When I was really young I remember going up to Eager to see my mom's parents and all her brothers and sisters would be there with all of their kids. There were horses in the back with a big barn that I always admired. My grandpa owned a lot of land and I remember thinking how cool it was to spend time in Eager just hanging out and having fun. At the young age of 3 I was riding horses, with my dad of course but not long after that I was riding on my own. I remember my favorite horse was named Peanut. He was a beautiful brown horse and he was fast. I loved to make him run up and down the corral in the back. It was so fun playing in the fields with all of my cousins. My mom has 6 in her family with her being the youngest so there were plenty of cousins to play and hang out with.

On the 4th there is always a parade and candy is thrown to everyone. It is so fun to run out and fight for the candy. Then that evening there is a firework show that is way better than the ones here in Mesa and as I got old enough to date I learned that there is country dancing down by the rodeo grounds that is fun to go to. I vaguely remember watch my mom country dance and yes she was dang good. She grew up in Eager and that is what you did. It was always fun to watch her move out on the dance floor.

Even as a teenager I still enjoyed going to Eager and hanging out with cousins and meeting boys from down in the valley from all over and hanging out with them also. I remember one of my guy cousins meeting a cute girl at the country dance and while they were dancing finding out that they were cousins. It really freaked him out because he had thought that she was really cute. That was one of the draw backs, Our family grew up there and therefore we are related to most of the people that live there. Not so much now because alot of the family members have either passed away or moved away.

While I was dating Ethan I found out that his grandpa grew up in Eager and that he spent many times in Eager with his family. I of course immediately found out that we were not related and was so relieved because I was crazy about him. His grandpa actually knew my family fairly well and so it was an immediate connection with Ethan's grandpa and even now I love to here the stories he tells me about his life in Eager. Ethan and I spend alot of our vacations now with our kids at his grandpas cabin for the 4th and other little get aways. I love passing this tradition on to my little girls and they seem to love it as much as I did.

This is the 1st year in a while that we have not been on the 4th. I am getting quite big and uncomfortable and didn't think that the 3 1/2 hour drive would treat me to well. So for this year we will make a memories here in our home. We do have some sparklers for the kids (another perk about Eager- driving into New Mexico to get cool fireworks!) So sparklers it will be with some homemade ice cream after dinner!