FIGHTING, that is the word that tears at my heart and sole this past week. July is very bitter-sweet. I have had a lot of things going on to cloud my mind and make days and weeks seem to pass swiftly. Now that things have settled a little it allows me to ponder a little more.
We have met many people in our new ward and they have all been so kind. The question of how many kids we have has come up many times and I have answered with a smile on my face feeling ok with the responses I have been given. It hasn't been as hard as I expected mentioning Kamber.
In a few weeks it will be 2 years since she passed away. Time now has really seemed to have flown by. I look back and wonder how in the world I have made it this long without her. How has life seemed to get back to somewhat normal?
Emotions have been creeping up on me. I was hoping that planning on a new baby to arrive would blurr all the emotions surrounding this month of sadness. Instead I find myself worrying that my new bundle of joy will arrive on or too close to the death of Kamber. I don't want that day tied to him in any way.
Today my heart aches for Kamber. Have I mentioned how glad I am that we are not in the other house. I am glad that I don't have to see the physical evidence of why Kamber is gone anymore. My mind can remind me plenty. I am so glad that the scene of the accident no longer surrounds me.
So today I will continue to hold my head up high even though my heart hurts. I will strive to be grateful for how far we have come. I can continue to look to the future putting on step in front of the other. I know it may be hard, but I am looking forward for our little ray of sunshine to arrive!
5 comments:
We're always thinking about you. Especially this month. :) I hope you feel her close and she brings you a sense of peace. Love you guys.
I hope the Lord brings you the peace and comfort you need this month. I can relate to your feelings : Josh was due just 2 days before Elizabeth passed away. She died January 9th and he was due January 7th. I was so scared for the same reason you are - I didn't want his birth to constantly remind me of her death. I didn't want his birthday to always be a somewhat sad day. I also didn't want to be in the same hospital I was in when she was born. That is the reason I had him a week early. I am lucky I had sensitive Doctors who understood and respected our request. Because of that, I was able to be out of the hospital and recovering when her 1 year mark hit.
I will tell you that Josh did help make her passing easier. He still does. But it doesn't make it go away forever. Obviously. There are times when having him almost makes it harder because I wonder what she would be like. I wonder if they have the same personalities.
Please let me know if you need anything. I am here : )
Our son passed away from SIDS at 8 months old. We have tried so hard to live in our home for the past 17 months. Nobody wants to sleep in his room or really even go in there. The door just remains shut most of the time. We have finally decided enough is enough and we are getting ready to move. I am glad to hear that your move went well and that you are happy about the move.
We too are due with a new baby in September and look forward to a new baby in our home. I also look forward to a new ward and not looking forward to the how many kids question...that one is tough.
I hope you are okay this month and feel the peace the comforter brings to you when you most need it.
I pray for you as the day gets closer. It is amazing to think that Max is with her right now and she is getting him ready to come down. It brings tears to my eyes to think that she will not be here too. Keep your head up. I love you!!
**HUG**
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