Another Birthday without our little Stinker

This is our Sweet Tayler. Tayler is turning 8 today! We are so excited for her and this special birthday. I can't believe I have an 8 yr. old, it just blows my mind. Tayler is such a goof ball. She loves to be silly and make people laugh. She is so lovable and sweet. Tayler is a great big sister and a wonderful daughter. I am so glad that Tayler was my first born and to have her in our family. She is such a blessing in our lives.

So here is another special day passing by without our Kamber. She is greatly missed especially on days like today. We know she will be here with us to celebrate even though we can't see her. I know her sisters miss her especially Tayler on such a big day. Tayler has picked a Hawaiian birthday and wanted her cake to be the same. We found the cutest cake that had flip flops with palm trees water and sand. When Tayler saw she had to have it especially because it had flip flops that remind her of her little sister.
Tayler we hope you have a GREAT BIRTHDAY! We all love you so much.

Memorial Sunday at the Cemetery

My post is really about today, Sunday. Each year the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend all of my husbands side of the family and extended family go down to the Mesa Cemetery to clean the headstones of those in the family has past away. We take a little time at each spot to remember that person. We start at the front of the cemetery and sad enough work our way to the back.

I hadn't really thought much about what today would be like for me or my family. I knew we wanted to go to clean and decorate Kamber's grave but didn't really feel it would be emotional for me. I usually just feel peace there and at times my eyes get moist but I am usually pretty strong. As we were driving down to the cemetery I was having this feeling that I was driving to my death sentence. It was not a comforting ride, I didn't want to have to do this. I don't want to be going to the cemetery for my little girl.

Once we were there and Kamber's headstone was clean and she had new flowers and pinwheels the feelings inside subsided. We made our way over to my dads grave and did the same that we had done for Kamber. I felt a peace there and as I cleaned my dads grave found myself talking to him. Then we headed over to the family to start our trek.

As we were about half way through one of our aunts showed up with a ton of purple balloons. They were for the kids to hold and some to put at Kamber's grave. My heart swelled at the kindness shown for my sweet little girl. I couldn't hold it in and I burst into tears clinging to my husband. I eventually controlled myself and continued the trek with the family. Along the way I spoke with another one of the aunts about trials in life and how we deal with them. It seemed she understood how I felt and it felt good to know someone understood and I was not being judged for my feelings.

Time finally arrived for us to clean one of the cousins graves that past away at a young age. I found myself not being able to be near and standing in the back. There also is another mother grieving. Then on to our last stop, my Kamber. It was so surreal. I found myself not being able to get close to the grave and look down at the headstone that about 50 people were looking at. It didn't feel real, I felt totally numb. I spoke with the aunt that I had been talking to alittle earlier and then all my family members started singing I Am A Child of God. I felt myself frozen in my tracks not being able to move. Why, Why did we have to sing, I was doing good. But at the same time it was so sweet to hear the voices of my family singing for my sweet Kamber. I walked over to Ethan and put my arm around him still not looking down at the headstone but tears ran down my cheek any way. I looked around and found all of Kambers aunts and uncles crying and then behind me my mother and father in law in tears. My heart broke for them as I saw them crying. Still it just didn't feel right or real. I felt like I was standing on the outside of my life looking in. Will it ever feel real to me? Will I ever accept that this really did happen? Am I living in denial maybe, but at times I almost like it that way, it doesn't hurt as much.

We once again made it through another tough day wondering how we are doing it. We continue to trudge through the storm not so gracefully at times, but some how I am hear to tell you about it. This day I think will always be hard for me because there is a difference when your child is on the list of people to visit at the cemetery.

Thanks to all who helped make Kamber's grave site so beautiful. I know she was smiling down on each and every one of you. We Love You Kamber!

Cousin

Today I spoke with my mother in law. She always asks how I am doing and I appreciate it. Today my response was that I am doing okay I mean good. Any day that I can keep my head up and accomplish some things that need to be done is a good day.

My sister had today off of work so she spent some of the day with me. She has a 3 year old daughter that is just 3 months older than Kamber. Her name is Sheridan and you guessed it, they were the best of friends.

We picked Sheridan up from preschool today and went to get lunch and run some errands. She was so good and loved playing with Brookie from her car seat. Normally being with Sheridan doesn't bring back any sad feelings. I usually just enjoy being with her and being her aunt. Today I also enjoyed her and smiled when I heard her talk. Sheridan is a little speech impaired so she is just now being able to say things that alot of two year old say. Anyways hearing her talk reminds me so much of Kamber. The way she says things and the way she acts at times is almost like I am watching my little girl. I could feel the emotions in me change and a sadness came over me as I longed for my little girl to be in the back seat. There should be three little ones when I hang out with my sister. Today I wished that I could hear Kamber calling for me in the back and giggling at Brookie. I miss looking in my rear view mirror and seeing a blond hair, blue eyed beauty sitting there with a big smile on her face. I miss my little girl and wish that she could be here to play with her cousin and that Sheridan wouldn't have to grow up without her. I'm sure Kamber misses Sheridan but I know that she visits her often. They will be best friends forever.

Tayler and Kylie's Missing

Kylie came into Ethan and I with tears in her eyes. The words that came out of her mouth are ones that I never I thought I would have to hear as a mom. "I miss Kamber." Every time it rips my heart right out of my chest. Oh, how I wish I could change things even if for my girls sake. I think what they miss the most is getting to play with her, at least that is what I hear them say. Kamber was always the life of the party and especially made life in general fun. We all miss having Kamber here and getting to play with her.

One of the questions Kylie asked me is... Why did Heavenly Father do this to us? Why does he make us wait so long to die so we can be with Kamber again? Heavenly Father didn't do this to us, sometimes accidents happen and he doesn't prevent them and why he didn't prevent this one I don't know. Why does he make us wait so long, well how do explain to a six year old that this life is really not long at all in the eternal scheme of things. All I know is that we won't be taken till it is our time. And the one thing I definitely know for sure is that Heavenly Father loves us and we will be with Kamber again.

The Love For Our Children

Yesterday Ethan and I met with a man about getting new medical insurance. He was a very kind man probably in his 50's. He moved from New York a couple of years ago and says that he really enjoys being here in Arizona. I don't understand it when it is so hot here but he and his wife seem to not mind it much.

He did a really good job presenting his company to us and giving all the details. He continued to move on and then we were to the subject of how the insurance would cover in case of an accident. Before I knew it the loss of Kamber came up and he was dead silent. I didn't want to look over at him because it was just silent. Was he in some kind of shock, did he not know what to say? Then I thought, "bad idea" shouldn't have mentioned it. Then out of the silence I heard him say in a sympathizing voice I lost my 20 year old son 2 years ago... I looked at him and his eyes fell to the floor as it seemed he was trying to compose himself. Ethan and I both looked at him and said I am sorry. Here this family is 2 years out and saying that their son died out loud to others still brings back some sad feelings. You could see how much he misses his son and loves him. But it seems that after that moment he was able to continue on as before just like we have to move on in life even thought we may not want to.

I miss Kamber everyday. Sometimes I am able to pull myself out of the sadness and continue to do the things I need to through out the day and then other times I need my moment to really feel. Sometimes that moment lasts a few hours, days or even a week, but some how I keep moving on. I look back on the day her accident happened ane wondered how I even left the hospital that day without her. How did I leave the cemetery the day we buried her? How do I continue to move on with out her? Here is the answer... I was carried and continue to be carried the whole way with angels by my side. Very dear loved one have passed away in my life and have left me sad and feeling abandoned but sometimes I wonder if really I am the lucky one. I have these special angels fighting for me on the other side.

Mom of the Year award? Ha Ha Ha!

One of my friends Sarah Stephens nominated me for Mom of the Year Award a while back. I have taken my time to get it done but here it is. Thanks Sarah!

Here are the rules I have to follow in order to receive the award:

Admit one thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you've written it down, you are no longer allowed to feel bad. It's over with, it's in the past. Remember, you're a good mom!

When my kids are telling me a story I have a hard time listening to the whole thing since they tell me every single detail. I try to hurry them along and give me the short version. That sounds even worse now that I have written it down, geese. Thank goodness it is in the past, according to the rules. :)

Remind yourself you are a good mom, list seven things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself everyday that you Rock!

1. I love taking the girls swimming.

2. I enjoy buying the clothes that they look so dang cute in!

3. I wake my girls in the morning with a song and an enthusiastic GOOD MORNING! I want them to always know I am happy to see them.

4. We love to exercise together.

5. I love that they are each others best friends.

6. I love that each one of them have my blue eyes. That is the only thing that they have of mine.

7. I am proud to be their Mom because I think they are the BEST!

Send this to five other Mom's of the year that deserve credit for being great moms and remind them that they are the best moms they can be!! Remember to send them a note to let them know you've selected them, and add a link to the person who nominated you.

I nominate the following 4 blogging moms:

Mindi Moser

Teri Larsen

Candi Wootan

Annie Larsen

Arizona Angel blog Mommies :)

Mother's Day

The day has finally arrived and I think that I got all the emotions out ahead of time. The day so far has been nice. I feel the love of my children and husband. I am so grateful to be a mother, it is something that I take pride in. My children are my world and what I live for each and every day. There is no greater calling than being a mother. I takes a lot of sacrifice but well worth it. There is nothing better than hearing I Love You from one of your children. I love watching them learn and grow. I love seeing them happy especially when we are together as a family.

As you know one of our daughters is not physically here with us but I can feel her near. I hope she is happy of me as her mother. I miss getting to see her here with our other girls and feeling her warm hug around my shoulders and kisses on my cheeks but the images in my head will have to do for now. I am wearing purple today as a remembrance of what is missing but is still near to my heart and our families heart. I have put Brookie in some of Kambers clothes (ones that would have been passed down to her anyways) to remind me that Kamber was real, I really did have the privilege of having her in my life even though it was to brief for me. The clothes are a remembrance but the child inside the clothes is our hope. Brookie brings hope and joy to our families life. We are all so grateful to have her especially Tayler and Kylie. I think they would be lost if they didn't have a little sister to play with.

I love all my girls and I am so grateful to have each of them. They each are unique and special to me. They each play a special role in our family. I love you girls with all my Heart.

Shout out to my Mom and Mom in law. HAPPY MOTHER DAY! Thanks for always being there for me and my family!

Maybe Not the best Idea

I keep telling myself, tell the truth. This blog is so others can see the real side to loosing a child not just the side that is strong. Tell the truth! So here it is...

I have been sooo sad. I have kept myself distracted by reading the Twilight books which have been great! But maybe not the best idea, I can't really tell. I think at the time I needed the distraction but maybe it distracted me to much. I haven't let myself deal with the pains that I feel about Kamber. Instead of facing them head on I just dove into the books letting myself live in a fantasy world which I loved. I didn't have to think just read, read, read all along knowing what I was running from. I have slowly closed myself out to the world and not really caring. I don't call anyone or talk to my friends. I am too vulnerable right now, I can barely talk to my husband about how I feel. My feeling are not happy, they are ugly. I don't want to know how much harder someone else has it right now, I don't want to think about anyone else. I just miss my sweet girl.

Can I just tell you how much I love my family? I love them to death and I am talking about all of them. We had them all over last night except for Spencer, Annie and their cute boys, who we all miss. Everyone came over for dinner and it was a blast. They all stayed for a while and the kids all played out back. I had so much fun watching my nieces and nephews all play together. I can't tell you how much I love each and every one of them. It makes me so happy to see them play together and hear them laugh. But through it all I kept watching and searching for Kamber. I knew what she would be acting like, I could hear her in my memory how she would have laughed and spoke as she played with her sisters and cousins. My heart broke and swelled at the same time as I watched my sweet family, all of them. So much bittersweet to life. Will I ever find just the sweetness again?

As you all know Mother's Day is coming. Oh how I dread it this year. I just want it to go away. I do want to celebrate my mom and how much I love and am thankful for her. I also want to celebrate my mother in law and show that I love her too and that I am thankful for her love and kindness shown to my family. I just don't want to celebrate it for myself, I can't even think of it with out tearing up. I always get pictures of my girls and it makes me sick to think about it this year. There is one missing! AHHHH! Sometimes I just wish I didn't even exsist. It that bad to say? But I do. I live for my girls that are still living with me that I love more than anything. I do for my husband that is my world. For my family that sticks by me. I live for my angel child that encourages me to be better. I exsist to win this fight to reaturn to my Father in Heaven and live with my family for eternity.