Memorial Sunday at the Cemetery

My post is really about today, Sunday. Each year the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend all of my husbands side of the family and extended family go down to the Mesa Cemetery to clean the headstones of those in the family has past away. We take a little time at each spot to remember that person. We start at the front of the cemetery and sad enough work our way to the back.

I hadn't really thought much about what today would be like for me or my family. I knew we wanted to go to clean and decorate Kamber's grave but didn't really feel it would be emotional for me. I usually just feel peace there and at times my eyes get moist but I am usually pretty strong. As we were driving down to the cemetery I was having this feeling that I was driving to my death sentence. It was not a comforting ride, I didn't want to have to do this. I don't want to be going to the cemetery for my little girl.

Once we were there and Kamber's headstone was clean and she had new flowers and pinwheels the feelings inside subsided. We made our way over to my dads grave and did the same that we had done for Kamber. I felt a peace there and as I cleaned my dads grave found myself talking to him. Then we headed over to the family to start our trek.

As we were about half way through one of our aunts showed up with a ton of purple balloons. They were for the kids to hold and some to put at Kamber's grave. My heart swelled at the kindness shown for my sweet little girl. I couldn't hold it in and I burst into tears clinging to my husband. I eventually controlled myself and continued the trek with the family. Along the way I spoke with another one of the aunts about trials in life and how we deal with them. It seemed she understood how I felt and it felt good to know someone understood and I was not being judged for my feelings.

Time finally arrived for us to clean one of the cousins graves that past away at a young age. I found myself not being able to be near and standing in the back. There also is another mother grieving. Then on to our last stop, my Kamber. It was so surreal. I found myself not being able to get close to the grave and look down at the headstone that about 50 people were looking at. It didn't feel real, I felt totally numb. I spoke with the aunt that I had been talking to alittle earlier and then all my family members started singing I Am A Child of God. I felt myself frozen in my tracks not being able to move. Why, Why did we have to sing, I was doing good. But at the same time it was so sweet to hear the voices of my family singing for my sweet Kamber. I walked over to Ethan and put my arm around him still not looking down at the headstone but tears ran down my cheek any way. I looked around and found all of Kambers aunts and uncles crying and then behind me my mother and father in law in tears. My heart broke for them as I saw them crying. Still it just didn't feel right or real. I felt like I was standing on the outside of my life looking in. Will it ever feel real to me? Will I ever accept that this really did happen? Am I living in denial maybe, but at times I almost like it that way, it doesn't hurt as much.

We once again made it through another tough day wondering how we are doing it. We continue to trudge through the storm not so gracefully at times, but some how I am hear to tell you about it. This day I think will always be hard for me because there is a difference when your child is on the list of people to visit at the cemetery.

Thanks to all who helped make Kamber's grave site so beautiful. I know she was smiling down on each and every one of you. We Love You Kamber!