Maybe Not the best Idea

I keep telling myself, tell the truth. This blog is so others can see the real side to loosing a child not just the side that is strong. Tell the truth! So here it is...

I have been sooo sad. I have kept myself distracted by reading the Twilight books which have been great! But maybe not the best idea, I can't really tell. I think at the time I needed the distraction but maybe it distracted me to much. I haven't let myself deal with the pains that I feel about Kamber. Instead of facing them head on I just dove into the books letting myself live in a fantasy world which I loved. I didn't have to think just read, read, read all along knowing what I was running from. I have slowly closed myself out to the world and not really caring. I don't call anyone or talk to my friends. I am too vulnerable right now, I can barely talk to my husband about how I feel. My feeling are not happy, they are ugly. I don't want to know how much harder someone else has it right now, I don't want to think about anyone else. I just miss my sweet girl.

Can I just tell you how much I love my family? I love them to death and I am talking about all of them. We had them all over last night except for Spencer, Annie and their cute boys, who we all miss. Everyone came over for dinner and it was a blast. They all stayed for a while and the kids all played out back. I had so much fun watching my nieces and nephews all play together. I can't tell you how much I love each and every one of them. It makes me so happy to see them play together and hear them laugh. But through it all I kept watching and searching for Kamber. I knew what she would be acting like, I could hear her in my memory how she would have laughed and spoke as she played with her sisters and cousins. My heart broke and swelled at the same time as I watched my sweet family, all of them. So much bittersweet to life. Will I ever find just the sweetness again?

As you all know Mother's Day is coming. Oh how I dread it this year. I just want it to go away. I do want to celebrate my mom and how much I love and am thankful for her. I also want to celebrate my mother in law and show that I love her too and that I am thankful for her love and kindness shown to my family. I just don't want to celebrate it for myself, I can't even think of it with out tearing up. I always get pictures of my girls and it makes me sick to think about it this year. There is one missing! AHHHH! Sometimes I just wish I didn't even exsist. It that bad to say? But I do. I live for my girls that are still living with me that I love more than anything. I do for my husband that is my world. For my family that sticks by me. I live for my angel child that encourages me to be better. I exsist to win this fight to reaturn to my Father in Heaven and live with my family for eternity.