It is amazing when enduring hard trials there is growth as a person during those times. I have always considered myself a spiritually strong person with a close relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My faith has been tested from time to time but nothing like the here and now. When Kamber first died I don't think I had ever been more close to my Heavenly Father or my family. I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost like I have never flet before. I felt strong and knew my little girl was being taken care of. After the first couple of weeks the reality started to set in. I realized that Kamber had really died and that I was not waking up from the bad dream, IT WAS MY REALITY. My heart, testimony, and every thing I knew about was shattered into a million pieces. I found myself looking at the pieces that at one time formed what I thought was me and didn't recognize them at all. How could this have happen to my family? My world was spinning. Little by little I have tried to pick up the pieces and I think it is going to take a life time to put them back together. Each piece I am finding is different now, the peices don't look the same and sometimes don't fit the mold so I lay them back down and search for another one. Time doesn't seem to heal, it just takes life in to different feelings and meanings. My testimony has grown and other times I wonder what I truly believe. I always seem to find my way back to the teachings of the gospel and how grateful I am for it. It doesn't take the pain away but it is nice to have it to cling to especially through this sort of trial.
Since Kamber's passing we have had an outflow of people reaching out to us. We had never know the true amount of friends or have never been ones to so freely talk about our beliefs and share our testimony. Ethan and I have had many people ask us about the gospel and it has been great to share it with others. There is always a special spirit when we talk of our testimony of eternal families. We don't only believe that we will see Kamber again but that we will be together as a family unit as we are now. I will still be married to the love of my life and my girls will still be sisters and we will enjoy each other as we do now. That is one of the greatest gifts that Heavenly Father has given us!
I won't ever be grateful for the trial of Kamber dieing but I feel I can be grateful for the things I learn along the path of making my way back to my Heavenly Father. Some days I can't see any good and could care less for things learned and the happiness of other families. But there are many times I can see the sweetness of my Fathers love for me and my family. I see the special spirit that Kamber is and how grateful we are to have her in our family. We did something right for Heavenly Father to trust us with one of his most righteous children and I would endure all this pain over again to have Kamber in our lives and waiting for me when I die, that will be a wonderful day! For now I try to enjoy every minute with my family and pick up the peices to my heart very slowly. I want to make every piece one to remember.
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing this Jen. I remember right before we left the Hospital after we had Elizabeth, the Nurse who helped deliver her pulled Tyler and I aside and told us to remember that as we left the Hospital, our lives would forever be different. She told us that when we stepped foot back into our home that it was going to be a different home with different memories, experiences and feelings. I never thought about it that way - but she was right. Our lives have changed forever. Nothing will ever be like it was before Elizabeth died. But we get the opportunity to make new memories and make new experiences.
I agree with you - I had that strength and that love that I had never felt before. I felt SO close to my Father in Heaven and my Husband and I were closer than ever. But as the fog has started to clear and we have stepped back into OUR new reality - things are harder. Tyler and I have used this experience to bring us closer, so that has helped. We truly love one another more than we did before Elizabeth passed away. Our bond is so much stronger. I have a whole new outlook on life and on the Gospel. I cherish the thought of Eternity much more now than I did before.
I think we both see things a little differently now. And I think our priorities have changed a bit.
I never thought of it like that before. You are so right!! You will spend a lifetime picking up the pieces, but at least you are picking them up. It may be slow and you may never truly get them all picked up, but you are doing the best that you can. And we love you for that!!
The things you said reminded me of an earlier post where you talked about creating a new "normal". Things have changed and will never be the same again, but you have created a new "normal". We are so proud of your strength!! Keep picking up those pieces and if we can help in any way, just let us know.
We love you and still pray for you every day.
Hi Jen, I'm Liz, we met at lunch. I'm glad I got to meet you and feel of your testimony. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings that day. It's good to know I can talk to you! I was visiting my Jake's grave yesterday and Kamber's grave is right by his! about 10 feet away!! Her purple flowers are beautiful!
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