My sweet Brookie was taken to the doctor yesterday because she was having a hard time breathing and I was sure that the ear infection that she had a week and a half ago was not gone. My good friend got me in at the doctor early and sure enough the ear infections were still there. She also was wheezing up a storm. It was so sad to watch her struggle to breath but through it all she still had a smile on her face. Brookie is such a sweet gentle little girl and always happy.
We did the first breathing treatment on her because her oxygen was low. Then we tested her oxygen level again and it had dropped even lower so the doctor decided we better to another treatment. This treatment lasted about 20 minutes. Brookie was so tired of having the medicine blowing in her face that she fought it for about the first 5 minutes. She then was so exhausted that she finally relaxed and went to sleep for the remainder of the treatment. This was also a sign that the treatment was working and that she could breath better. Her oxygen level was finally in the safe zone and after a hour and a half we could go home with prescriptions and doing breathing treatment every 3 hours.
I heard Brookie coughing in the night and went in to check on her. I touched her back and she was burning up. I picked her up and she was limp, hot and really struggling to breath. I immediately got her some Motrin, and started the breathing treatment. I was worried about her wondering if I should take her to the hospital. I called the on call doctor and decided that we would just watch her since she was on strong antibiotics and continue the breathing treatments. So many thoughts went through me head. I was so worried,a worry that no doctor could understand that doesn't know my situation. There is a new level of worries that occur after you already loose one child. We know that the reality of loosing another is a true reality. Children are taken even from good people and no matter how much you love your children. I held my baby Brookie and prayed to my Heavenly Father. I thanked him for all the blessings in my life and then asked him to help Brookie breath and get better. I told him that I have been having a hard time trusting him again and that I am not totally sure that he wouldn't take one of my children again. But if at some point that was to happen that he was going to have to help me because I can barely endure loosing Kamber. I told him that I love him even though at times I am scared but that I am trying to find my way back to full trust in him. Part of me was torn apart on july 25th, part of me was lost. I too just as Brookie am trying to breath each day.
I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and understands me. He doesn't judge me for how I feel. He knows I will make a full recovery but that it will take time. As long as I am always reaching out to him I will be okay.
Last night I made a bed on the ground in Brookie and Kambers room so I could hear Brookie breath at night. It didn't matter that the ground was hard I just wanted to be there. I laid listening to her breath remembering the memories of Kamber in that room and loving the memories that are developing with Brookie. There is so much happiness in our family with our sweet girls and I am grateful for each and everyone of them. Though Kamber is gone we can feel her love and presence and what a special blessing it is to have her watching over us.
7 comments:
I hope Brookie gets better. That would have been really scary. I agree with you - now that we have lost Ellie ( it doesn't compare to you losing Kamber though ) I immediately started seeing Douglas as my Son who the Lord could take home anytime he wanted to. I have lost a lot of myself in this process and I am trying to find my way back. I am not the same person I was before. It's hard because I want to be that person again.
We'll keep your little beauty in our Prayers : )
Glad that Brookie is doing okay, and hope she recovers from all of this quickly. I don't trust in God. I feel a little like the XTC song "Dear God". And then, at the very same time, I DO believe in Him. I can't explain it. I really feel betrayed by Him. I feel abandoned. I feel neglected, uncared for, unloveable. And then at the same time, I have to believe that He DOES understand where we are coming from and will deal gently with us. It is so contradictory. I HATE God some days because HE HAD THE POWER to stop everything from happening. And if He needed Bridget, too, WHY didn't he just freaking choose a different day, a different way. And He KNOWS what caused their deaths, so WHY would He not reveal it and lift the uncertainties?
Sometimes I feel like God is all about who is popular enough. I see all these people with so much caring and support, and then there is us. And at the same time I believe God is no respecter of persons. It is maddening how our experiences with losing our children does this to us, and we have to find a way to sort it all out. To cope.
It seems you are doing so well. I read what you wrote about Brookie being warm, limp, and wondering what to do and the way doctors don't understand who don't know the history. I felt like I was there living that as I read your words. I understand that, and I am sorry for the extra complexity added when you are already so concerned as a mother to begin with. Keep holding on.
Jen:
You have such a gift of writing and expressing things so well. I think you are amazing! I hope your Brookie gets better quickly. I know that extra worry we now have after going through the death of a child and it's awful. I will say an extra prayer for you and Brookie.
Love,
Andrea
I'm glad Brookie is getting better! I can only imagine the fear that strikes you to see a child struggle because you have already lost one. I know I hate when my kids are sick because I feel incredibly helpless. Ugh. Hang in there girl! You are plodding along beautifully.
Colter had to start breathing treatments the day before we were to leave to NYC (March 17), they said every 3-4 hours too and I thought it was the ear infection not gone from about a week earlier too but they thought it could be asthma. But he seems a lot better after taking augmentin (antibiotic) and I don't really do the treatments as much now.
I was so scared for Colter too and he fights with that mask most everytime too but sometimes falls asleep or relaxes and freaks out. Maybe it's just that time of year? Hope she gets better too. It'll be ok.
This is all too familiar to me. The worrying and the trusting in the Lord for help. I hope Brookie is better now. You must have been so scared!!
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