Here I am again in the same place I was yesterday ,the day before, and the day before that. I'm still stuck in this nightmare and the sadness seems to be staying steady for right now. I know it is because I am to encounter a first holiday without Kamber and I have the pressure of the ward Halloween party that I am to put on tomorrow night. It is really hard for me right now to plan something fun when I feel all the fun is just drained right out of me, my heart hurts to bad right now. Who knows maybe the actual day won't be so bad :) :( I don't really know what to expect.
So, about the nightmare I am living in, I feel the fog slowly lifting and giving me little glimpses of the rest of my life and it is at times absolutely unbearable. How the heck am I going to make it through. I was telling Ethan last night that it is like my mind can't totally wrap my brain around it, it is an absolute nightmare. Then Ethan said something that just made sense " Jen, in reality life is the nightmare or bad dream. We will wake up some day and that day will be the day we die and then we will realize that the dream was really small compare to the eternity we get to live in with our family. Then we will realize we made it through the bad dream and it won't matter anymore." I just sat and thought, "how is he so strong and can think like that." So for now I will live this dream and try to have pleasant times during it, but I know I will have nightmares from time to time and try to battle through.
5 comments:
I'm sorry Jen. I wish there was something I could do for you. All I can say is the whole thing is so sad and wrong. I remember looking over at you and Ethan during the funeral and I just cringed. I kept thinking they're too young. They're too young. They shouldn't be here, they shouldn't be doing this. I can't possibly understand how you are feeling, when I try to imagine how it would feel it is almost overwhelming. I'm sure it doesn't come close to what you feel everyday. We love Kamber and we love you guys, I hope it starts to get a little better for you.
I wish you all the luck on your Halloween party. I know it will be hard emotionally but I'm thinking of you.
I wanted to share a happy memory that I have of your family. Last night Aaron and I were talking about getting ready for the trunk or treat, which is tonight. We realized that we sure are going to miss Ethan's king size candy bars that he handed out to all the kids and anyone else who wanted one. I think I stole Trey's and Avery's and saved them for myself. Logan was too old and too excited for a king size candybar that when I tried to take it he recognized it was gone immedietly.
Thanks for being so generous and always serving others. Ethan just as tickled to pass those out as the kids were to get them.
Oh Jen, I know my situation is nothing compared to the one you're going through. But please know that I am here and I am feeling a lot of the same emotions you are. It is hard for me to understand that my Baby Girl, who isn't even born yet, already has so many trials ahead of her. And I can't quite understand what I am supposed to do to help her. How is it that someone as plain as me, is supposed to be able to raise a Child who already has a seat waiting in Heaven.
I had a Friend tell me once that she knows that she chose this trial in her life. But that doesn't mean she has to be okay with it now. That is how I feel. I chose to be blessed with a Daughter who will have physical trials, but that doesn't mean I have to be okay with it right now.
I am here if you need to talk. You have been such a strength to me, thank you ! But please remember that you don't always have to be strong. You are allowed to fall and be sad and angry and confused. It's okay and you have so many people who love you and are wanting to stand behind you and pick you up when you need it.
You can do this Jenn. One moment, one breath, one hour, one day at a time. You will do this. I am right here with you. -britt
My heart just aches for you Jen. It's just so unfair that you have to live through this nightmare. It's just unfair! All of this will make so much sense in the next life, but I know that enduring this mortal life probably seems like an eternity for you.
Don't feel bad when you don't have inspiring words to write. You may be entering the next stage of grief and may need to just let yourself be angry right now. That's okay. Just know that we are all praying for you.
Crissie
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