kamber: Somedays

Monday, October 27, 2008

Somedays

Somedays I feel I have so much anger and sadness that I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. The screaming is in my head not something that I can let out. I know that if others really heard some of my deepest thoughts and let me scream it out maybe they wouldn't want to be around me. That is what is so hard, feeling there are many things you can't just let out or you just can't say. Dealing with the loss of Kamber has tried me to the very core. It is seeing what kind of a person I really am, how deep can I dig. I can feel the pressure somedays, how much can you take? Can you push through the burn? Like a personal trainer that works for ultimate torcher. Somedays are harder than others, but I always push through. I know I just have to cling to the gospel and the things that I know to be true.

3 comments:

The McNeil Family said...: Jen
I am always here if youu just need to scream and yell to let it out. I hope u know that you can vent and be sad around me to get it out. You have gone through something i will never understand but i am here to listen when you need someone. sorry you feel this way today
Love ya Valerie; October 27, 2008 at 11:02 AM
Bowman Family said...: Hey Jen-
I just wanted to second what Valerie said and let you know that I also am here for you if you need to let it ALL out! If I knew that I was helping the situation just a little bit then I defenitly could stand being around you!
Love you too,
Tara; October 27, 2008 at 12:14 PM
Dana said...: Jen I don't know if you remember me. I am a friend of Candi's and my sister, Alex Cichon, is in your ward.

I have been reading your blog since the loss of your sweet angel and wanted to let you know my heart aches for you and your family. I can not imagine the emotions a family goes through after this kind of loss. Your faith and strength are amazing to me! Thank you for your wonderful example to me.

Love Dana Harbertson; October 27, 2008 at 11:11 PM

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It was July 25th 2008 and it was a great day. All the kids were getting along with eachother. Ethan and I were going on vacation with a few friends and we were to leave at 5:00p.m. that evening. At about 11:00 a.m. I started packing for the trip. I caught Kamber out back playing with the hose with her cousin a couple of times. The last time Ethan and I went out back to get after the girls for playing in the hose. Ethan sprayed the girls and we chased them all back inside. Ethan went into his office and I went back into our room to pack. It was a short time after this that Kamber some how made it into the pool area. We can't figure out how it happened, we have a gate around our pool shut and locked. Nobody had been in the pool area in days. We lost site of Kamber for a few minutes but this was enough time for her to fall in the spa part of our pool and drowned. I had gone into Ethans office and said something to him and turned around to find my niece crying. I knew. I ran straight to the pool and didn't see her and then caught a glimps of her leg in the spa. It took forever to get the pool fence open , but I ran as fast as I could and pulled her out. Ethan ran in and started CPR, I called 911. The Fire Depatment came fast. They worked on her and then headed to the hospital. We already knew she was gone. I could feel her comforting arms around me. We raced to the hospital where we watched them work on her for about 10 more minutes. She was gone. They let me hold her for about 2 hrs till the medical examiner came to get her. I felt a small amount of peace and I thank my Heavenly Father for that. It was her time to return home. We are grateful for the 2 1/2 years Heavenly Father let us enjoy the beautiful person she is. We will be with her again as a family and I can't wait to raise her again. Her sisters miss her dearly, but they know she not far away and she is safe. We love our valiant angel!