In My Mind, This Deserves A Post

I know I am going to embarrass my husband right now, but I wanted to write this down.

I have been down in the dumps the past couple of days. Our pool cleaning system broke a while ago and our pool has changed from clear to a greenish color. Gross! Anyways, Ethan decided that it was time to clean and shock the pool. He was outside with his workers fixing the pipes, running the waterfall while dumping all the chemicals in to clean it up. Brookie heard the water and wanted to be outside. She was so fascinated with the water, I guess she is getting to that age and that scares me. Anyways, I sat outside with her watching her daddy at work. This is where the change in me began.

Since Kamber has died I really do not like our pool that much. It depresses me alot of the time. Others pools don't affect me unless someone is letting their kid lay on their tummy in the pool and float. I guess the reason why I struggle so much is because I was the one that saw Kamber in the pool lifeless. I am the one that pulled her out. Everyone else saw her after the fact, not that it is any less traumatic. That is what I feel has affect me so much. I think it was expected that I would be very timid right after Kamber died to get back into the pool. Last year I would push myself to be in the pool. My girls love swimming. It is nice to have something to do during the hot summer days and nights. Some days I could handle it pretty good and other days I put on a really good show for my family. I wanted to do it for them. My girls happiness and normalcy is important to me. Seeing them happy makes me happy.

So anyways... I feel having the pool up and running again has got me down. Floods of memories of the day Kamber died have consumed my mind and as much as I fight them they have seemed to stick around. Today I have felt better. I do expect times like these and expect them for the rest of my life. At lest now I can remember the good and happy times with Kamber along with the tragic events so that I don't spiral out of control.

Anyways, the reason for this post is because of my husband. What a sweetheart he is. Evidently he left me a note with some money on my phone before I went out to spend some time with my mom. Kylie found Brookie walking around with a decent amount of money and brought it to me. I thought this morning that Ethan had accidentally dropped it so I put it on his desk and we left. When I got home I called Ethan to see how things were going at work and he asked me if I had got the note and money he left for me. I told him no and then realized that the money Brookie was holding was for me. Then I looked on the ground in the office and found the note. It brought tears to my eyes as I read it. The note told me how much he appreciates me and loves me and the kids. It also read that he knows I have been sad and that he would do anything to help cheer me up. He wants me to be happy. The money was for me to spend on just myself and to have a fun day with my mom. Those are words to sooth anyone's heart, especially when it is coming from the man you love. At this point the money doesn't mean anything to me, just knowing how much he appreciates, loves and cares for me goes further than any amount of money ever could. Though, money is always fun to spend when you are down. Maybe another day.

Thanks Ethan! I Love You!