I Can't Go There...

From reading my title you would probably think I am talking about a place to visit. A place that you could go on vacation, a place you could actually see, but for whatever reason I can't go. The place that I am talking about is a place that no one would ever want to go, definitely not a vacation and yet I visit it often even though I say that I can't go there.

Today I have been there often and I'm finding ways to run from there as fast as I can and yet I continue to go back. This place is a dreadful place in my mind. Not a place that is made up but a place that actually exists. It made a home in my mind about a year and a half ago. I use to visit this place every hour of every day at first. Then it move to once a day, to a couple times a week, to once a week, to every other week, to every few weeks, to once a month, to about every other month currently.

How do I get there? I don't really know, it just happens so fast. I try not to stay and visit, but sometimes I guess it captivates me as if I am watching a scary movie, but it has just enough of my attention that I hang around a little longer just to see and then one more scary thing happens and I turn it off as fast as I can. It feels a little like that. I don't really know what the trigger is for me today. Maybe it is the weather, or that I can really feel my baby kicking a lot today and I'm grateful for it but it scares me to have another one, maybe it is because our pool is finally drained and it has taken a huge weight off my shoulders, but it reminds me why the pool worries me and why having the water out of it makes me feel better inside. Or maybe it is just because I miss Kamber today and the events of her death still haunt me regardless of the fact that I know she is happy and right where she is meant to be. That is still hard for me to fully accept, but for the most part it is enough for me to keep trucking along.

I just wish that the images of that sad day would just go away and that I wouldn't have to visit that place anymore. But today I have gone there all to often and have fled a couple of times. This last time caught me for a moment, I cried and said out loud I CAN'T GO THERE, I JUST CAN'T, TODAY IT HURTS TO BAD.

Thanks for listening, sometimes writing it down helps relieve the pressure from it all.