Sunday, September 21, 2008
Torn
What do I do? I am torn to know what to do with Kambers room. This room was to be Brookies and Kamber was going to move into Kylies room once Brookie was big enough. Little did I know Kamber was going to be gone when Brookie was only 3 months. It was only going to be days before I was to make the room switch. Well Brookie is still in my room. I can't bring myself to moving Kambers stuff out and put Brookies things in. I don't know if I'm more afraid of the emotions that will arise if I go through Kambers things and pack them up or if it is that I feel like I'm replacing her. I know deep in my heart that I'm not replacing her with Brookie, but it is hard to think that I won't have a place to go and see all her things in her room up the way it was before. It is no longer just Kambers room, which it wasn't going to be that way anyways. I know Kamber would want me to let Brookie have her bed, play with her toys, and enjoy having her room. I guess I let my emotions get the best of me. It seems there is always a new struggle to arise and another part of my heart to be torn. I hope eventually I will get to the point that these things won't seem to matter much and I will be happy to let most parts of Kambers life to be shared with everyone.
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9 comments:
Once again, I read your posts through tears. I am not a counselor, or even someone who has lost a child...but I definitely can see your concern with changing Kamber's room. It would break my heart to be in your shoes right now. How do you part with precious memorabilia? And no, I don't think you are "replacing." But since you were originally planning on putting your littlest in Kamber's room....I think it's safe to continue on with those plans. SO MUCH has to change with this loss, but sometimes keeping with some of your original plans might provide comfort or safety within your heart/mind.
But if you do change Kamber's room, celebrate it. Enjoy the memories of the "change." It's progression...it's taking your heart to place it doesn't want to go, but in order to progress through this grieving, it might need to be done.
Through those hard times where you must take your heart to places you don't want to go, in order to progress....celebrate Kamber every step of the way, cuz she's there with you anyway. She needs that celebration from mom and dad, because she's happy, she's okay...but she needs to know that mom and dad are okay.
Please keep us informed on how you choose to tackle this room change. I am always amazed with your family's strength and courage! You're going to make it through this hurdle.
Don't rush it, take your time. Things like this don't come easy. If you need to, get on your knees and pray about it. I am sure Kamber will help you with your decision and will be with you and will comfort you. You also know that you have SO many Friends here to help if you need it : )
Kamber would go bonkers over sharing a room with Brookie. She would absolutely love it. Doesn't it just make you smile thinking of how happy she would be to have her little sister move in with her. All the new adventures she could have, all the new things she could try out having Brookie there. Maybe it will mentally and emotionally help if you think of it more as if Kamber and Brookie get to share a room now.
I loved your idea of having the wall in Kambers room filled with her special stuff, pictures and her cute "k". I think that it will look adorable and also be evident that they really are sharing a room.
My thoughts and prayers are continually with you. Though I feel at times you bring more strength to me.
Natalie said it perfectly. Amen.
But you know I was thinking about you tonight at family dinner as I was talking to my mother in law, cuz she lost her oldest when he was only 3 and we were talking about a friend who gave birth to a still born. I know its definitly not an easy thing to go through for sure, but I know you'll get through it, I know Glenna (my MIL) still wonders how things would be with Dale around but Kamber will never be forgotten and never be replaced!
This struggle is one Bryan and I have thought of from the day we heard you lost your angel. How hard will it be to see her things or to pack them away?? What a tough decision to make.
I agree with others that if you were already planning on moving Brookie in there, it's OK to do that still. I also agree that Kamber would love to see Brookie in there with her things.
A few months ago, on Oprah, her fancy, shmancy interior designer (I can't remember his name) tackled this very problem. He went into a family's home who had lost a young child and then never touched his room in the past 12 years, or something like that. He had some cool ideas on how to redesign the room, but still pay tribute to the lost child. I wish now that I had paid more attention. At the time, I never dreamed that my cousin would be in this situation. I'll go on Oprah's web site and see if I can track down more info for you.
Thanks for always posting! Your blog is the first I look at each day, and somedays I only get a chance to look at one. We love you!
You know.. if you are not ready to change out Kamber's room yet I don't think you should. Maybe you could move the older girls in together for a little while and give Brookie one of their rooms until you feel that you know what to do with Kambers room, or put one of them in the extra room.
I know that you are never going to replace Kamber and I believe that anyone that knows your hearts will know that also, but it is important to take your time and do it when you, and your family is ready, not when you start to feel pressured. That being said, I know how bad it sucks to have your baby in your bedroom....
My grandpa had an accident and died unexpectedly five years ago and I remember my grandma telling me that she will talk to him all the time..ok that sounds like she's lost it with age...but hopefully you know what I mean... but she can feel him with her. It comforts her to know he is there.
Maybe try talking to Kamber that way? Ask her what she thinks Brookie would like? Listen to your heart. Include her in making decisions for her's and Brookie's room. OK - well it sounds like I have lost it now but I definately don't think you are trying to replace her. I think Kamber would love to help you decorate their room.
Wow, you have some good friends with some good advice.
I agree that you should wait until you feel okay about it. Maybe put Tayler and Kylie together like jeni lyn said. I love the idea of having a wall that reminds you of Kamber and that she's sharing the room and will always be in your home.
When my dad died, he was out of town. I have his duffle bag that he packed for that trip. It still has all of the things he took with him in it, from his dirty clothes, to his toothbrush, to the last 2 Tums left in the bottle. Sometimes I sit and go through it and remember him and think of all the things he was probaly thinking and laugh at some of the stuff he packed. Then I fold everything up and put it back away.
Maybe you could leave Kamber's dresser, or even just a drawer or two, full of her things so you can look though them and feel them and smell them whenever you need to.
I know I still like to look over and see that his memory is still there, wating for me to inhale and reminisce any time I want to. It's not in the way and I can always move those things to the garage or attic later. When I'm ready.
There have been some wonderful suggestions in the above posts :) and I thought I'd add a little bit more. We just dealt with this; my 3 boys shared a room, and after Myles died, I put all his toys and clothes inside his crib and just let it sit. Eventually, I moved the crib out to our family room, and converted it to a daybed. Then I put his bedding back on, hung a few blankets from the back, and stuck everything else I couldn't part with in some totes underneath. I can't sort through them yet, but I will someday. My kids are allowed to touch everything that is out, and they can sit on the bed to read or nap. Now his stuff is out where we all can see it, and it's a part of our daily lives.
**I didn't tackle this alone, and I didn't do it until I was ready to. I didn't want to throw or give anything away until I was SURE I could live without it. I think that when you're ready to face Kamber's room, you'll know. It does get better, a little bit at a time.
janalee from the Angels Among Us blog
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