Just Hold On

I take one step at a time and grab that rod of iron and hold on, hold on. That thought has come to me here lately. At times I feel as though I've got a firm grip and my feet are planted firmly on the ground. I know all the things that I am sure of. Other times I can feel my hands slipping and my legs beginning to shake. Just hold on. Emotions are crazy and I never know when sad times are going to pop up. Yesterday I was feeling the earth move beneath me and I didn't know what to do. I felt as if I had froze. I could feel the anxiety building in me and the panic starting. It came from no where, I don't believe I was thinking of Kamber at the exact moment it began. I wasn't thinking of the day she died and that is what usually brings on the moments of panic, but I was preparing to go to church. I was in a panic about going to church. I didn't feel as though I could do it. I left for church earlier than Ethan and my girls because I had to get posters set up and invitations handed out for our ward Christmas Party. As I pulled up the panic was even stronger, and I could feel myself fighting back the tears. I kept thinking in my head I don't want to do this, I can't do this. I was afraid all I would do is cry. It was bothering me that Kamber wasn't with me that Sunday. I forced my tears back and walked into the church and started getting everything situated and put out for people to grab and see. I sat in the back row of church just in case I felt I would need to dart. As I sat and waited for my family I kept getting a lump in my throat trying not to let my emotions get the best of me and I didn't want anyone to see me crying. I just wanted my girls and Ethan there, I just needed them there. Finally 5 min. before church started in walks my sweet husband and my girls with smiles on there face. My Kamber wasn't with them but the anxiety subsided as I knew we were all together. She is there in spirit all the time and many times it doesn't feel as though we are missing one. What a great blessing it is to have her with us and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father allows us to feel her. I am taught by her everyday. It is funny because while we are here on earth we are to teach our children and when a little one passes it is them that is teaching us. I couldn't have asked for a better loving and kind teacher than our Kamber.