I LOVE YOU TOO!

Okay so truth be told I have been struggling a lot the past few months. My emotions are so mixed and life is just hard and that is an understatement. One strong emotion I have had is that I have been mad at the whole situation of Kamber being gone and if I were to blame anyone for her death it would be me and I guess Heavenly Father for not letting me know Kamber was in danger so I could save her. There are so many people that get promptings and are able to save people and I felt nothing. For the first time in my life I haven't truly known what I believe anymore. I know what my heart tells me but, my mind doesn't want to believe it. I felt as if I have been standing alone with no help, I have felt nothing. My mind has just been spinning round and round. I have found myself just wanting to give up and not have to worry about anything anymore.

I was talking to Candi last night about how I have really felt and she just listened and validated my feelings. She didn't try to preach to me or worry if I was loosing my testimony. She didn't run to her scriptures and find a verse to try and make it better, nor did she ask me if I was saying my prayers, going to church, the temple, reading my scriptures, having family home evening, and trying to be perfect in every way. She just listened and made me feel that it is okay to have hard times, it is okay not to be perfect in everything you do. Heavenly Father knows when you are doing the best you can at the time. All of my family tells me I am doing so good, but I don't let people see me on my hard days but, here lately I haven't been able to control it as well. I have thought that if people saw the hard times then it would mean I am weak and maybe I really can't endure this trial. The biggest thing about not wanting people to see me cry is that people tend to stare. It is different when it is family watching you cry because I can see the pain and understanding in their eyes, they feel it to. But people I don't know that well, I don't like to let my emotions out. That is part of why church is so hard for me right now. I know the members in my ward will understand but I just don't like it and the lessons don't always make me feel better, many times I leave worse than I was before I got there. This has nothing to do with the teachers, it is just part of my life right now. Trust me I feel the spirit very often but sometimes you don't want to hear all about what you already know, you just want to know that what you are feeling is okay. It is truly okay to be sad about Kamber even though she is in Heaven.

Now that I have rambled I will get back to what I was talking to Candi about. I told her that I just wished that Heavenly Father would let Kamber come to see me every once in a while and let me maybe talk to her. I have felt like she was taken and I was left to deal and be torchered. These words have also been in my prayers every night and that I was sorry that I felt that way but, deep down I have felt that Heavenly Father understood my feelings. Well, last night he must have heard me and felt that I have suffered enough because Kamber came to me in a dream. I am not going to go into detail about my dream but, I will tell you that she said
"I LUV U!" and hugged me and I told her "I LOVE YOU TOO!" and held her. The entire dream was so real and lasted what seemed like a day, it was a wonderful time with her. I have always wondered if Kamber really knew how much I love her and if she loved me as much as I loved her. Had she forgiven me for not being able to save her? I feel that my questions were answered last night and I now have a stronger testimony of the love that Heavenly Father has for me. He let me have that experience that I so needed to be able to deal a little l0nger even though I had been so angry with him. Trials aren't meant to torcher they are meant for us to learn as hard as it may be on us and for Heavenly Father to have to let us go through them. I am thankful for my experience last night with Kamber.

My little sweetheart "I LUV YOU TOO!"