I have spent a lot of time at Hospitals this week. I wasn't there for my self but for my husband. On Tuesday he had his gallbladder surgery. We were called in a hour and a half earlier than we were scheduled to check in but didn't have his surgery till an hour after his original surgery time. Needless to say I spent literally all day at the hospital. Ethan did really well during his surgery and we came home happy to see our beds. The girls had a wonderful time over and their cousins playing.
Things were going pretty good till last night. Ethan woke me up at 2:30 in the morning in a soaking wet sweat and doubled over in pain. He threw back and forth the idea of going to the E.R. and when the pain got worse that is where we were headed. My mom came out and stayed with the girls so I could go and be with Ethan. Thanks Mom. We spent 7 hours down at the E.R. and now are home. Yeah! Don't worry about Ethan he is doing much better and I am sure will continue to do so.
Here is the thing. We of course went to the closest Hospital to us because of how Ethan was feeling and that hospital happens to be where Kamber died. Yep, I drove the same route that we drove that sad day, walked through the same E.R and experienced the same smells of that horrible day. I definitely had anxiety. Deep breaths is what I kept telling myself. I think what might have been my saving grace is that they are remodeling the hospital so it did look a little different. I couldn't see the room where Kamber was and don't even know if that room is there anymore. I couldn't help but but have memories of that day running through my mind. But one thing that stuck out to me the most was within all the havoc and sadness of that day I remembered the peace I felt along with it. Though I was watching my daughter die and my world had been shattered there was a mild peace behind it all and what I can gather is that the peace is the knowledge that I will be with her again. Now, that doesn't take away the pain of loosing her. It doesn't take away the anger I feel from time to time. I doesn't mean I don't long to hold her and kiss her little cheeks, tell her I love you and hear her say it back. I doesn't take away all those things I miss or make life easier with out her. I still at times question what I really believe but it doesn't take long to turn that thinking around again.
So today I am thankful the remembrance of the peace behind the loss and the knowledge that I will be with Kamber again with my family as a full family unit never to be broken again.
8 comments:
I hope your Husband feels better. I had Gall Bladder attacks during my entire pregnancy with Douglas. It was terrible and hurt much worse than labor. I was told I had Gall Stones and would need to get them out, but I am pretty sure my problem was brought on by pregnancy because as soon as I had Douglas, the pain stopped and I haven't had it since. So I know I will eventually have to get my Gall Bladder out.
I am happy that you were able to remember that peace you felt as you walked through the hospital. I can only imagine how hard it must have been. It is amazing how the little things like sights and smells can bring back so many emotions.
I was wondering when I heard that Ethan was at the hosptial which one you might have gone too. I thought right then, I bet they went to the one where Kamber was taken to. I thought a lot about you this morning wondering on how it would be to be in the same hosptial again. I am so glad that you found Peace, but it is all because of the wonderful plan that Heavenly father has for us.. I love ya. Call me if I can help with anything.
she is so so beautiful. Going back to the hospital is so difficult. I did the same thing when my friends baby was dying of Sids. Her baby was in the same room, and the parents "holding" room was exactly where we received our news of James. It was so hard, yet so empowering facing those feelings and conquering that anxiety. I hadn't been back for 2 years. I wouldn't even pass the exit off the freeway w/o cringing, much less step foot in there again. Isn't amazing the peace we had on our awful days? I did have that same peace as you refer to that "everything is going to be okay". It's just easy to forget it when the pain is so unbearable. Much love. And she really is a ray of sunshine isn't she? That smile would light up any room.
"heart"
Michelle
The emotions of loosing our babies is sooooo up and down aren't they? First of all, I'm glad our hubby is ok, second of all, I know what it's like to return to the same hospital where your precious baby died...we went back to Stanford a few months after Trin died there to give presents to all the sick kiddos in the hospital on Christmas day...our first "Angel Trinity Christmas". It was very hard, and I haven't been back since. I don't think I want to ever go back.
As far as the peace you feel, I can relate in a very small way, since I'm still pretty upset and angry about Trin's passing. The only peace I have is that Trinity no longer has to suffer with her chronic illness...but as time has gone on, I've realized that in order for me to work through this anger I have towards Heavenly Father for taking Trinity is to figure out how to forgive myself and forgive Him...easier said than done. But the good thing is, now I know how to eventually work through it right?
I'm always thinking about your precious Kamber...I love her headstone, and I understand the "Finality" in that. It was good and sad for me when we finally got Trinity's headstone too. Hang in there and know that I love you!
Love Mindy
(Trinity's mommy)
I'm glad to see your hubby is on the mend! I know what you mean about going back to places and those feelings. I recently went back to the hospital that Jake spend his short life in. The smells, sights and sounds all brought back a flood of memories. I couldn't go into the room he had been in (luckily it was occupied) but it actually has helped me. I"m not afraid to go back now. I"m glad you remember that peace you felt. It really is the only thing that holds me together when memories like that come back.
Glad Ethan is doing better. We spent yesterday in the St. George temple where Archie & Becky Temp were sealed. BJ always liked Archie (who, if you don't remember used to be married to our daughter, Shannon ... they have 3 girls ~ but later divorced and a couple of years afterwards he married Becky). They were able to be sealed on Sat.
The reason I bring it up is because as they were kneeling across the alter, I distinctly heard BJ whisper in my ear, "I'm here, Mom, I'm here."
There are so many times we are blessed to know that our precious departed children still play a part in our lives and that brings us such comfort. Tender mercies.
Nice post. Take care.
I can't imagine how hard that would be to walk through that hospital again . You amaze me. We miss you guys and want to see you soon. We love you guys! Candi
Jen I can't believe the strength that you have as you face this challenge and new challenges everyday. I think I would let my pain and misery consume me and not be functional or continue to live out what my Heavenly Father's plan is for me. Knowing how you handle these hard things gives me hope that I can carry on with no matter what life brings to me. You are such a great example of strength. I want to be that way.
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