Father's Day and a Crappy Attitude

I wish I could say that on Father's Day it was my husband that had the crappy attitude but it was me. It started Saturday night and then I woke up Sunday morning feeling good. so I thought but as the day wore on I found my attitude turning from good to bad. I was so excited to give Ethan his Father's Day gift, one that I had kept a secret for months not telling anyone about. Secrets that are exciting are hard for me to keep especially when it is not someone else's secret. Ethan was happy with his gifts and it made it worth the wait.

We got ready for church and on my way there Ethan asked me if Father's Day was hard for me since my dad is not alive or has it been so long that it doesn't make me sad anymore? I told him that I always think of him especially on this day but my thoughts are not sad ones, I think of the happy times that I can remember. I actually had a dream about him the night before.

We went to church and Tayler had her baptism interview and then the bishop met with Ethan to make sure he knew how the procedure was going to go. Then I guess they spoke about us not being at church as often and Ethan had to reassure him that when we are not there we are either out of town or sometimes we are struggling and we don't want to put a happy face on in front of other people. It seemed to surprise him given it has almost been a year. When I heard this I could feel my emotions change, it just reassured me that one of my fears was in fact true. There are people who assume that around a year you are healed or don't struggle as much. Oh how I wish I could explain so that everyone could understand that a year isn't enough time to heal. I don't hysterically cry every day like I did in the beginning but I hurt each and every day and I still have days that feel like I am right back at the beginning. So yes there are many days that I don't want to be around anyone and have to put on a happy face and some of those days happen to be Sundays.

Needless to say, at the end of church I was informed that we were to feed the missionaries at 5:00. I am pretty sure my eyes got huge and my mouth dropped to the floor. "Sure, yeah uhhh sure." I grabbed my girls and walked out of church ready to burst into tears. What the heck was I going to feed them? All the way home I was racking my brain to think of something to make. I am not one that likes things sprung on me especially when it comes to cooking. I am not the best cook and there are very little things I know how to make well and I didn't even know if I had the stuff to make a decent dinner. My attitude went from not so good to crappy, bad, you better watch out or mama will chew you up and spit you out. I complained to Ethan for a good half hour that I either was going to call and cancel because for heavens sakes it was Father's Day and we had people to visit. Or I would whip something up and drop it by their apartment. Ethan kept telling me "No we are feeding the missionaries." This made me more angry. Finally Ethan said " Jen it is Father's Day and you are treating me like crap, you have got a bad attitude." I burst into tears, I didn't want to treat him bad especially on this day. I was just so angry about everything. I was struggling with Father's Day more than Ethan was. I was mad that Ethan had to go through a Father's Day without Kamber, mad that my Bishop doesn't seem to understand how hard life is right now, and that I wasn't warned that we were to feed the missionaries and that Ethan insisted that we do it. He had more confidence that I could pull it off than I did. I was also worried that we weren't going to be able to go over to Ethan's parents to visit with his dad and let him know we care about him. My dad isn't here and my father in law is all I have and he means the world to me. So I guess even after all these years Father's Day still effects me deep down and I am still sad. I guess I still feel robbed of a child hood with my dad.

It was good to have a good cry with my husbands arms around me. I let him know how sorry I was for my crappy attitude and really I just wanted him to be happy. Needless to say my attitude changed, I made a great meal that the missionaries loved and I really enjoyed having them in my home. I was so grateful for the spirit that they brought with them and wouldn't mind if they dropped in unexpectedly again. We made it to the family get together and I got to give my father in law a big hug. It turned out to be a great day and my crappy attitude changed to one of peace, humility, and happiness.