Death... The Greatest Teacher of All

I would have to say for me anyway... that death is the greatest teacher. Maybe that is part of why I have seen loved ones pass away all around me since I was young or maybe because all my relatives are older. My mom was the youngest of 6 children and they were all spread way apart in age. You would think it gets easier the more you have experience with it, but it is sad no matter what. My Aunt Jean passed away this morning. She was a healthy 86, so it came as a surprise. She had hip surgery a month ago and was doing great and then caught pneumonia and it rapidly went down hill. She is the second oldest in my dad's family. She was always so kind and I have never doubted whether she loved me or not. She lived in Phoenix so I didn't ever see her that often, but when I did she wanted to know all about my life and family. My heart hurts and have found myself on the verge of tears. She will be missed, but I can't help but think of the reunion she is having right now. I find myself almost jealous of her. Not because I want to die, but because she get to see so many people I long to see and interact with. I would never want to leave my husband and kids so early in life, but I so dearly miss so many special people and at times it feels like eternity till I get to see them again. I think death humbles you on so many different levels. It brings you back to reality and connects you once again to the spiritual you and makes Heavenly Fathers hand in your life more evident. Crazy to say, but death can be a beautiful thing and so devastating at the same time. I love my family and I'm thinking of Aunt Jeans family and those she left behind.

BIRTHDAYS!

Happy Birthday to these two special people in my life! Ethan's Birthday is today turning 32 and Brookies Birthday was Wednesday last week turning 5! I can't believe that this sweet special girl of mine is growing up so fast. She has brought so much hope and happiness to our family. After losing Kamber I wondered many days how I was suppose to take care of a new born when I could barely get out of bed. She saved our family in many ways. She is a beautiful girl inside and out. Life would be boring without her.
Ethan! We are getting old, already in to our 30's. Time really does fly by. I have to say that he gets more and more handsome the older he gets. Ethan has a heart of gold, one of the many reasons I love him. He thinks of others before himself and has proved that today by making an appointment with a client on his birthday in the evening, not remembering that today was his special day. It will actually turn out fine since the kids and I won't be home till a little later. We will meet up at the same time.

Hope everyone is having a great spring! What's up with this crazy wind today?

Easter

I can't believe that Easter is here once again. I feel like we just celebrated it, but alas another year has gone by. I find myself each year more and more grateful for this time of year and the reminder of Christ's sacrifice for us. Each year I receive more and more understanding of the Atonement and what a special gift it truly is for all of us in our lives. The past year I have had different kinds of trials, not ones that are visible to the eye and you would only know of them if I told you. These trials continue to teach me of Christ love and who I am and want to be. I think I am learning from them each day. I am learning of love and forgiveness which is a beautiful lesson to learn. Did I just say that? I notice as I get older that I find myself more and more thankful for lessons learned or should I say lessons I am trying to learn. I now know that through these that we do become closer to our Heavenly Father, truly the refiners fire. Gosh! Sometimes it sure does hurt along the way though, but Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ carry us at the right times. I have seen my Father's hand in my life more in the past 4 years than I have ever before. I testify that he does know us like the palm of his hand. He is brilliant and wonderful! I am full of gratitude and love on this Easter Sunday. Happy Easter to all!

Splits and the Atonement

An interesting title you must say, but it leads to 2 funny stories and lessons all wrapped up in a weeks time. We are having ward conference this Sunday and our Staked Presidency and Bishopric do visits to as many families in the ward as possible. We were on the list for last night and waited for an hour for the Bishop and his partner to show up. Finally I called the guy who made the visit for us to see if maybe they forgot about us. I was told that they were doing splits with the stake and that something came up and they needed to cancel the visit. My kids were looking forward to it  so I explained what was going on and as I was going in the office to tell Ethan Kylie piped up " Wow! I didn't know Bishop knew how to do the splits!!!" I just started laughing and she couldn't figure out why I thought it was so funny. I still don't think she understands the term it was used in. On to our next story! Last Saturday we had our end of season volleyball party and we decided to take the girls bowling as a team for something fun. Tayler and I are the only members of the church on her team. I think we are actually everyone's real close encounter with Mormon's in which they interact directly with us quite a few times a week. It has been a lot of fun being on this team and we have gained some good friends. While at the bowling party Tayler was sitting around a table with some of her friends and talking as they drank their soda and ate pizza. Tayler moved her drink to the to the side of her not to get her drink mixed up with the others. After a few minutes she reached out in front of her forgetting she moved her drink and drank from the cup. She immediately gaged trying not to spit everywhere and said "What the heck is that I just drank?" One of her friends piped up. "It's ice tea. You don't like Ice tea?" Tayler started freaking out and blurted " I'm not suppose to drink Ice Tea." and ran towards me. I could see she was upset and pulled me aside. She told me what happened and started crying asking "What's going to happen to me!?" I told her it's okay, it was an accident, your not in trouble. Even if you purposely tried it you wouldn't be in trouble. We are advised not to drink it but, a little taste isn't that big of a deal!" She continued to say "But what is going to happen to me?" and crying harder and harder. I continued to tell her that it wasn't on purpose and Heavenly Father knows that. if you want you can say a little prayer to say you are sorry." She seemed to not be concerned with that and continued to ask what was going to happen to her. I finally picked up on it and ask why she was worried something was going to happen because nothing was going to happen! She finally said through her tears "But is says in the scriptures I will smite thee." I almost started laughing out loud and I know a big smile that I could not control came across my face. I realize she was afraid Heavenly Father was going to physically do something horrible to her and she was scared to her wits about it. I continued to reassure her that Heavenly Father was not going to hurt her and that he knew it was an accident. She calmed down and went back to her friends that asked why she was so upset. She was able to explain our beliefs and they understood but, you could see in their face that they thought it was a little crazy that we can't drink ice tea and other drinks such as alcohol. I was proud to see Tayler's will to follow the teachings of the gospel. As we drove home that night I was able to explain to my girls about the Atonement and Heavenly Father's unconditional love for us. I didn't want Tayler to be scared when she makes mistakes in her life. We all need to understand Heavenly Fathers forgiveness and love. I was grateful for that teaching moment on Saturday.

It is interesting that as I prepare for certain lessons each month that I usually end up having moments in our lives or lives of those I love that happen that coincide with my lesson. Teaching moments for me and hopefully teaching moments for those in my ward that hear my lesson.

Run, run, Run

It's no secret I enjoy running. I choose to get up 5 to 6 times a week and go on my morning jog. I started getting more serious about it after Kamber passed away. I guess in many ways it helped me deal with my grief. I could be alone with my thoughts and cry if I wanted to without anyone asking me what was wrong or feel sorry for me. I love being outside around nature, it brings peace and happiness to my soul. I notice the little things around me and truly see how beautiful our earth is. I feel Heavenly Father's love for me and have had lots of spiritual experiences being outside enjoying God's creations. These days I am running on a time crunch. I hop out of bed to hurry and get dressed, run downstairs to wake my older girls up for school and then run out the door to make it back before they get on the bus. I like to get as many miles in as I can in my minimal amount of time, but seeing my girls off to school with a hug and an I Love You is very important to me. There are times that I cut it close, but they get to see me even if it is a sweaty hug.:/ Today I was running short on time but thought I would be back in time taking a different route. As I was coming down the street at the end of my run I saw Tayler's bus pull in the neighborhood. As tired as I was I geared up enough energy to sprint knowing in my heart that my legs probably weren't going to take me as fast as I needed them to, to make it to Tayler in time. So in turn I hoped that I could at least make it to the end of the street to be able to yell out to her and she could see me tell her bye! As I came to the end of the street I realized that the bus was already pulling away and my heart sank. I know it might sound a little silly, but I know all to well that at any given moment that our lives can change in an instant. I don't want my kids to ever question how I feel about them. I do know in my heart that Tayler knows I love her, but my routine was broken today. I have also been thinking about Kamber and talking about her with my girls. Our earth life we are here learning and growing, it feels like running a race a times. I don't want my time to come and I get to see Kamber to learn I have fallen short. I don't want to wait longer to be with her. When I pass on I hope that I have learn what I needed to here on earth enough that I get to be with her and I won't have to watch her from a distance. I believe that we continue to learn and grow when we leave this life. We will never reach perfection here in this earth life, but I know we can do our best here to be in a better place on the other side. Thank goodness it is half day today and I don't have to wait all day for Tayler to come home. I can tell her in a couple hours how fast I ran to see her before she left and that I love her. I did however make it to see Kylie just as her bus was pulling up!

Angel Birthday!

I can't believe that today Kamber would be 7! Man, time sure does fly by. I remember being so excited to have her and that she was healthy after all the scares we had during her pregnancy. She was beautiful and she stole my heart at first sight. I remembering seeing my dad in her and feeling his presence in the hospital room. Another blessing sent from my Heavenly Father. She was special and perfect in every way. She stole everyone's heart and took it with her the day she died. I am glad that we can still celebrate her life and feel her presence even though she is not physically her with us. She helps us be better people in every way. We love you sweet angel girl and can't wait to hold you in our arms once again!

Healthy!

Well we made it through the flu. I don't really remember a time with my kids being so sick. I guess with Brookie's kidney infections she was that sick, but those never last 6 days straight. She ran a consistent 104 fever for 6 days. Her poor body was drugged up on Motrin and Tylenol for that entire time, which can't be good. BUT, we all survived! So far the rest of us are safe from the virus. Max and Brookie had it at the same time, but seemed to recover faster and the fevers didn't rise over 102, whew! We are now back to the grind stone making up for lost time and thankful for our healthy bodies!

Flu

In all the years of having kids we have never had the flu. Of course since I told someone this last week, we would get it! Brookie Max and Reagan all at the same time. Brookie seems to have it the worst. Hopefully we are coming to the down hill part of it. Or if the internet is true about it lasting a week or two then we are still at the beginning. Long nights, we are all a little tired around here. Thank goodness I have nothing going on! Ha! Of course it's a very busy week. That is okay though. I'm so thankful that no one is in the hospital because of this virus, so I think we are making out pretty good. Knock on wood, Seriously!

Running a Cold

It's no secret that it has been cold here in Arizona! I woke up this morning hoping the freezing cold temperatures had passed so that I could go for a run outside. 35 degrees is the lowest I will run in, so the 22 that is said on the weather channel on my phone was not going to get it done. I had run outside all last week even though I was feeling a bit run down. I think breathing the cold air and getting exercise helped to keep my sickness at bay. Saturday morning I braved the cold with Kylie going to pictures at 6:45 in the morning and then to her soccer game at 8. We were bundled up and Kylie kept telling me she looked like a marshmallow. Well, regardless we were still so cold! By Sunday morning I felt miserable. I did get a nap that afternoon and felt pretty good after... till night. I woke up Monday morning doing much better. This morning I took on the run on my treadmill not wanting to bare the cold or get sick again. I am grateful to be able to run everyday, it helps to keep me sane.I love having my time to just think about all that is going on in my life and in the lives of others. I think of what I can do better and where I am slacking as a person. I am grateful to be a Relief Society teacher and  to study the lessons each month. It forces me to think of the gospel at a deeper level and helps me to focus more on how to be Christ like in my life. My mother in law was telling me of a book that she is reading that talks about having a Christ like Character. Elder Bednar wrote the book and talks about experiences that he has had with those who do have a Christ like character. I hope that I can find ways to exemplify that in my life. I will never be perfect, but I can do my best to be more like Christ and I think if we are always striving for that then we can't go wrong.

Sold

Ethan got the bright idea to sell his beautiful lifted diesel truck. I hoped that it would take a while to sell or that maybe he would change his mind. I was amazed that with in an hour people were fighting over buying it. One guy wanted to fly down from Ohio today to buy it and drive it back. Needless to say, Ethan sold it to a really nice LDS man that was excited to buy it and had been looking for a truck just like this for a while. Ethan seems to be fine with the sell, especially since he bought a true work truck with the tool boxes all over the back. It is not what I would ever picture Ethan in. I've always known him to drive a BIG truck! He's a big guy so it has always fit him. This truck was bought shortly after we had Kamber. We took many road trips in this truck when our family would fit. Back when we had 3 kids. I remember like it was yesterday looking in the back seat and watching Kamber sing to the music, play with toys, laugh with her sisters, and watch Dora movies answering all the questions. The kids have always preferred riding in daddy's big truck. Anytime we had to take 2 cars the kids fought over who got to ride with dad. I have to say that I have some mixed emotions about the sell of it. Yesterday I thought I was going to burst into tears. Mostly because of the sentiment of the truck. It is one of the last tangible things we have that has memories of Kamber. Now only to be a "Remember when we had that big silver truck and Kamber..." I know we will move on. Life seems to carry on no matter how we feel. I'm glad Ethan is happy with his new little purchase even though it is not a looker. I was trying to find a picture of it, but my computer is acting up. Pictures will have to come later.

Holidays

The holidays came like a whirlwind this year! I can't believe it all came and went so very, very fast. My head just wasn't in the game this year. This year Christmas was a lot harder. There have been some true Grinch's, yes plural. At times it made it hard to feel the true meaning of Christmas. We also had true earth angels in our life. Christmas wouldn't have happened without them! My heart went from hurting to swelling with love beyond my imagination! Even as I type it brings tears to my eyes. I have to say that I am grateful for my new calling in my ward. I have been asked to be a Relief Society teacher. I really don't picture myself as a teacher of any sort. I am a very simple person with very simply words. I don't really feel I have the capacity to teach those older than me that know so much more about life and the gospel. It's a very humbling calling. I have had to dig deep into my heart and soul and have prayed more often than I have in a long time. Even with the drama going on around me, I have prayed more for others and it is amazing how it actually ends up helping yourself!:) I'm not trying to gloat, I've just had some Ah-ha moments. We truly have been blessed and it has been wonderful to see Heavenly Fathers hand in our lives. His hand has been very obvious and it has been such a comfort to me. Things were still a blurr and I was still so forgetful as I always am. I still wrote wrong addresses on Christmas cards, realized after Christmas that I missed so many people on my Christmas list to send cards to, I was still late for family get togethers, barley got my Christmas jelly out in time along with cards, lost my temper at times,but I was amazed at the patience I did have. I was grateful for the simple holidays and getting to be with my kids and husband! Here are some pictures of what we did from November to December.

One of my New Year's Resolution is to blog more. Hopefully I can do once a week! That's my goal!

Halloween

Halloween was super fun this year. It's getting easier as my kids get older. We decided that we were going to do homemade costumes this year instead of buying them. I think the kids turned out pretty cute! Gosh, homemade costumes are sure a heck of a lot cheaper and fun!

Tayler was a nerd and a pretty cute one I must say. Kylie was a zombie (scary), Brookie was a cowgirl, Max a Knight, but refused to wear his costume till we were walking out the door, and Reagan was a ghost.

We had some friends and family come to enjoy the holiday with us! Hope everyone had a fun and safe Halloween!

I'll Come Find You

My mind today is sure going. Thoughts just keep flooding in. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I went to an angels brunch. A brunch with all women I have met after I lost Kamber and they have lost a child also. We don't meet all that often. We try really hard to meet every 6 months. There is a special connection. One that has come  because of the road we travel in life. I really don't think any of us would have met had we not lost a child. A friendship we would all give up to have our kiddos back with us. But here we are, friends! I love these girls and that love for them just comes natural for me. I can see them for who they are and know them more than what's on the outside. Maybe because we are so vulnerable, losing a child will do that to you. It literally brings you to your knees. Each one of these ladies has been on there knees or flat on the floor for that matter because of the pain, we all know the pain.
I've never officially said on my blog what religion I am, but hopefully by reading my blog you already know that I'm a Mormon. One of the things that we believe is that we lived with our Heavenly Father and Mother before we were born. We believe that we were spirits before we came to this earth and that we are spirits when we leave this earth. We resided in a heavenly home and we are all brothers and sisters. We knew eachother before we came to this earth. I believe some of us knew eachother really well and others we didn't. So as I was thinking today after my brunch with these ladies, the thought came to me "I'll come find you." What if I knew these women before we came to this earth. Maybe I knew them well or maybe I didn't. Maybe we knew before that we were going to lose a child. If we did, maybe we told eachother "I'll come find you." I believe we knew life was going to be hard. I don't know that we knew what our trials on earth were going to be. Maybe we knew we were going to travel the same roads in life that were not going to be easy, therefore we would find eachother to help us down this road. Or maybe our angel children have helped us find eachother knowing we need it. Knowing that they can't always be by our side but that we could lift eachother up. Who knows how it all really works, but I am so grateful that I know these women. Since we have to travel this road, why not travel it together.

Typical Night

This is a typical night in the Larsen home. After dinner and clean up clean up, we usually find ourselves just hanging out together. This especially happens on Sunday nights which is what these pictures are from. We all found ourselves in Ethan's office listening to music and talking. Lots of times Ethan brings in a big bucket that has sample of wood flooring, tile, paint colors and all sorts of other things. This time the girls found these really cool safety goggles and put them on making fun of eachother. I decided since they looked so beautiful we needed a picture of them. We had to get one of Reagan too. I think she thought she was pretty funny! I love getting to just hang out and enjoy eachother.

An Interesting Day!

Today is a day that is full of all kinds of emotions! The older girls started school today and they are excited! They love getting to see their friends and have what seems to be great teachers this year! Today is also the 4 year anniversary of Kamber's death. Today our families world got rocked hard. 4 years ago I thought that there was never going to be any happiness again, let alone take one more breath. But, I have made it. We as a family have made it and yes, there is joy again. Today we are humbled and so grateful for our Savior. I am so thankful for the knowledge that families are forever. We with be with Kamber again and that will be a wonderful day. Today and always we miss and are forever grateful that she is a part of our family!

Max is 2!

Today is Max's Birthday and he is turning 2! Oh man, where has time gone? He has been such a blessing to have in our home. He is so fun and feisty. Yet, he is so so so sweet. Having a boy is so different than girls. He is so very active and more boy than I could have imagined. And what is with boys and wanting to be in just their diapers? It is a fight everyday to get Max dressed! He loves trains, cars or trucks and guns that make sounds. He is obsessed! He also watches the Cars movie over and over. It is all he watches, nothing else. EXCEPT, Thomas the Train on occasion. He wants car pj's and clothing, but I don't really mind, it's just fun to have something other than baby dolls and girlie pink sparkles around the house. Anyways, Happy Birthday Maximus! I Love You to the Moon and Back!

Prayers

I have said many prayers through out my 31 years of life. Some have been those simple prayers of help me find my keys or help me do good on a test. Some prayers a little more in depth giving thanks, Thank you for this new little child in our family, thank you for our safety. Or the really really big ones, thank you for letting my dad live another 6 years, help heal from his death, or please don't take Kamber from me, help me understand why, and please take this pain away. We all say these prayers from time to time in our lives. Hopefully we are talking with our Father in Heaven every day. It took my dad dieing for me to start doing that. I would be lieing if I said that my prayers were always extremely sincere. I also have many times that the same words come out day to day. I really do mean what I say every time but sometimes it becomes routine. Hopefully you understand what I mean. I've started reading the Book of Mormon again. I have read it through a couple of times but have realized that I never really started from the very beginning. I don't think I have ever read through the introduction page or the testimonies of the Three witnesses or the Eight, I know I have read Joseph Smiths testimony, but then I think I also had skipped the Brief Explanation before 1Nephi. Anyways, in doing so it has got me thinking of my testimony. Where am I at with it right now. I know I have said before that when Kamber died that my testimony had been shattered on the floor.Some of those pieces I picked right back up pretty fast. It was easy to remember how I felt and what I believed. My faith in prayer seemed to waiver. I didn't know if I trusted that if I prayed that Heavenly Father was really listening and if he was, I wasn't quite sure I would like any of the answers and that maybe he was mixing me up with someone else prayers. My faith in this process has been a work in progress. I have had some of the most intense prayers through this process and some of the neatest feelings during this time, but still a part of me was ready for that one time that things would fall apart again. My testimony is being strengthened everyday as I try. Tayler has been playing volleyball for a little over a year now. She is quite a good little player for her age. She has actually been playing with 11 and 12 year olds at age 10. She recently has been moved up to a 13-14's team and feel it will allow her to continue to progress even faster. Tayler was so excited when she first started and was in shock about it. She has had a lot of fun but, the past couple practice's she has come home in tears. She came from being the best on all her other teams and she was able to really shine to being a little fish in a big pond. It has been hard watching these kids jump higher and hit harder than her. Tayler is just learning how to spike and set well and these kids got that down. She has been discouraged and her confidence has been wavering. We have had talks with her to pick her back up and she is a trooper and is outside practicing everyday to improve. One talk I noticed I never had with her was to pray for Heavenly Fathers help. Duh, why haven't I thought of that? Maybe because of my faith in it. So this is something I figured I better work on a little more if I'm going to encourage Tayler to put her faith and prayers to the test. I know with all of Tayler's work that Heavenly Father will answer a sincere pray for Tayler to help with something that is so important to a 10 year old. We have to put forth the effort and I know that Heavenly Father will answer. Tayler is an amazing girl I'm lucky to have her. So as she puts forth her faith and creates away for her testimony in prayer to be strengthened, I will do the same little by little.

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News!

(Here we are taking a picture to send to Daddy of Brookie playing before her testing.)
We are back at it again Dr. visit after Dr. visit. Brookie has had 4 UTI and kidney infections since the middle of February. A year ago we found out she had reflux but that we had a 60% chance of it healing itself. Now almost a year later and continual infections the Dr.'s are pretty sure it has not fixed itself. So last week we went to Cardon Children's to have another VCUG done. (which is a horrible procedure especially for a young kiddo.) Went through all the prepping to find out that she has another UTI even after just getting off antibiotics just days before. So it was a No Go because of causing damage to the kidneys. All that crying and pain for nothing. I was in tears for Brookie by the time we left. After another antibiotic we will head down again for more testing and she will be somewhat sedated this time. SO Sad.

Max has been back and forth to the Dr. here lately for ear infections and looks like we are staring at getting tubes done right in the face. It has been ridiculous.

Reagan has been such a good baby and has not been sick, but today we will head to the Dr. for her. Fever, snot, and a nasty cough calls for someone to check her out and help us try to get back on to the road of recovery.

Easter and a Brithday!

Happy Easter Everyone! We have done the Easter baskets, Egg Hunting and just got back from church. I don't know that having the Easter bunny come before church really works all that well. Our church is at 11:00 which is prefect but the kids of course eat some candy in the morning and probably more than I realize, which made for a out of control time at church. Surprisingly it wasn't Max that was out of control, it was my over excited Brookie. I'm just glad we made it through and hopefully we all got a little something from church and the true meaning of Easter.

This is a special holiday for me. I love everything that it represents. Ever since my dad's passing I have looked at this day so much different. I'm so very grateful for my Savior and his continued love and patience with me. I am so thankful for my family and their love and patience for me, especially my goofiness.

Dad's Grave.

Friday the kids were out of school so we went to the cemetery to decorate Kamber and my dad's grave for Easter. I was a beautiful day and I was surprised at how many people were there. As the kids and I were putting flowers and balloons down another family came walking by saying to each other and pointing, "Hey that's the headstone we say last time." That's it!" We looked up realizing they were talking about our girls resting place. I like that people notice our Kamber, she is so very special! They continued on a couple rows back and proceeded to dig in the fresh ground of a grave to place some things they bought for their loved one who had recently passed. I guess it was for a Grandmother or Grandfather, someone older.

It was a good day on Friday and today has been good also. I have Love in my heart and a smile on my face.

Kamber's grave site for Easter and a close up of her headstone for those who have not seen it.

Last but certainly not least, it is Ethan's Birthday today! Happy Birthday Ethan I love you more than you'll ever know!

NO Babies on ME!

I have no kids hanging on me right now, I can't believe it. I better type fast and knock on some wood. Max is sleeping and so is Reagan, Brookie is in having quiet time. Whew that doesn't happen often.

Reagan is now 4 months old, which for me is going by so fast. She is such a good baby, we all are in love with her. Many people keep asking me who Reagan looks like, since she doesn't look like any of my other girls or shall we say any of our girls that you can see. Reagan is almost the exact cookie cut of Kamber at this age. They look so much alike and not only that but her growth stats are to the T of what Kamber was at this age and when she was born for that matter. None of my other kids were in the same percentile or had the same bone structure. This has been a beautiful blessing for us. When we knew we were having another girl all we kept hoping for is that she would look like Kamber. Her personality is more mellow. Kamber was a screaming no sleeping baby for a long time. It was really hard.
Anyways, life is crazy, but we are doing good. Soon Easter will be here and we will celebrate the life of Christ and remind ourselves how thankful we are for his sacrifice so that we can all live again and that we can have Eternal Families. I hear my baby crying, so that's all for now. Have a wonderful Easter!