I'll Come Find You

My mind today is sure going. Thoughts just keep flooding in. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I went to an angels brunch. A brunch with all women I have met after I lost Kamber and they have lost a child also. We don't meet all that often. We try really hard to meet every 6 months. There is a special connection. One that has come  because of the road we travel in life. I really don't think any of us would have met had we not lost a child. A friendship we would all give up to have our kiddos back with us. But here we are, friends! I love these girls and that love for them just comes natural for me. I can see them for who they are and know them more than what's on the outside. Maybe because we are so vulnerable, losing a child will do that to you. It literally brings you to your knees. Each one of these ladies has been on there knees or flat on the floor for that matter because of the pain, we all know the pain.
I've never officially said on my blog what religion I am, but hopefully by reading my blog you already know that I'm a Mormon. One of the things that we believe is that we lived with our Heavenly Father and Mother before we were born. We believe that we were spirits before we came to this earth and that we are spirits when we leave this earth. We resided in a heavenly home and we are all brothers and sisters. We knew eachother before we came to this earth. I believe some of us knew eachother really well and others we didn't. So as I was thinking today after my brunch with these ladies, the thought came to me "I'll come find you." What if I knew these women before we came to this earth. Maybe I knew them well or maybe I didn't. Maybe we knew before that we were going to lose a child. If we did, maybe we told eachother "I'll come find you." I believe we knew life was going to be hard. I don't know that we knew what our trials on earth were going to be. Maybe we knew we were going to travel the same roads in life that were not going to be easy, therefore we would find eachother to help us down this road. Or maybe our angel children have helped us find eachother knowing we need it. Knowing that they can't always be by our side but that we could lift eachother up. Who knows how it all really works, but I am so grateful that I know these women. Since we have to travel this road, why not travel it together.

Typical Night

This is a typical night in the Larsen home. After dinner and clean up clean up, we usually find ourselves just hanging out together. This especially happens on Sunday nights which is what these pictures are from. We all found ourselves in Ethan's office listening to music and talking. Lots of times Ethan brings in a big bucket that has sample of wood flooring, tile, paint colors and all sorts of other things. This time the girls found these really cool safety goggles and put them on making fun of eachother. I decided since they looked so beautiful we needed a picture of them. We had to get one of Reagan too. I think she thought she was pretty funny! I love getting to just hang out and enjoy eachother.

An Interesting Day!

Today is a day that is full of all kinds of emotions! The older girls started school today and they are excited! They love getting to see their friends and have what seems to be great teachers this year! Today is also the 4 year anniversary of Kamber's death. Today our families world got rocked hard. 4 years ago I thought that there was never going to be any happiness again, let alone take one more breath. But, I have made it. We as a family have made it and yes, there is joy again. Today we are humbled and so grateful for our Savior. I am so thankful for the knowledge that families are forever. We with be with Kamber again and that will be a wonderful day. Today and always we miss and are forever grateful that she is a part of our family!

Max is 2!

Today is Max's Birthday and he is turning 2! Oh man, where has time gone? He has been such a blessing to have in our home. He is so fun and feisty. Yet, he is so so so sweet. Having a boy is so different than girls. He is so very active and more boy than I could have imagined. And what is with boys and wanting to be in just their diapers? It is a fight everyday to get Max dressed! He loves trains, cars or trucks and guns that make sounds. He is obsessed! He also watches the Cars movie over and over. It is all he watches, nothing else. EXCEPT, Thomas the Train on occasion. He wants car pj's and clothing, but I don't really mind, it's just fun to have something other than baby dolls and girlie pink sparkles around the house. Anyways, Happy Birthday Maximus! I Love You to the Moon and Back!

Prayers

I have said many prayers through out my 31 years of life. Some have been those simple prayers of help me find my keys or help me do good on a test. Some prayers a little more in depth giving thanks, Thank you for this new little child in our family, thank you for our safety. Or the really really big ones, thank you for letting my dad live another 6 years, help heal from his death, or please don't take Kamber from me, help me understand why, and please take this pain away. We all say these prayers from time to time in our lives. Hopefully we are talking with our Father in Heaven every day. It took my dad dieing for me to start doing that. I would be lieing if I said that my prayers were always extremely sincere. I also have many times that the same words come out day to day. I really do mean what I say every time but sometimes it becomes routine. Hopefully you understand what I mean. I've started reading the Book of Mormon again. I have read it through a couple of times but have realized that I never really started from the very beginning. I don't think I have ever read through the introduction page or the testimonies of the Three witnesses or the Eight, I know I have read Joseph Smiths testimony, but then I think I also had skipped the Brief Explanation before 1Nephi. Anyways, in doing so it has got me thinking of my testimony. Where am I at with it right now. I know I have said before that when Kamber died that my testimony had been shattered on the floor.Some of those pieces I picked right back up pretty fast. It was easy to remember how I felt and what I believed. My faith in prayer seemed to waiver. I didn't know if I trusted that if I prayed that Heavenly Father was really listening and if he was, I wasn't quite sure I would like any of the answers and that maybe he was mixing me up with someone else prayers. My faith in this process has been a work in progress. I have had some of the most intense prayers through this process and some of the neatest feelings during this time, but still a part of me was ready for that one time that things would fall apart again. My testimony is being strengthened everyday as I try. Tayler has been playing volleyball for a little over a year now. She is quite a good little player for her age. She has actually been playing with 11 and 12 year olds at age 10. She recently has been moved up to a 13-14's team and feel it will allow her to continue to progress even faster. Tayler was so excited when she first started and was in shock about it. She has had a lot of fun but, the past couple practice's she has come home in tears. She came from being the best on all her other teams and she was able to really shine to being a little fish in a big pond. It has been hard watching these kids jump higher and hit harder than her. Tayler is just learning how to spike and set well and these kids got that down. She has been discouraged and her confidence has been wavering. We have had talks with her to pick her back up and she is a trooper and is outside practicing everyday to improve. One talk I noticed I never had with her was to pray for Heavenly Fathers help. Duh, why haven't I thought of that? Maybe because of my faith in it. So this is something I figured I better work on a little more if I'm going to encourage Tayler to put her faith and prayers to the test. I know with all of Tayler's work that Heavenly Father will answer a sincere pray for Tayler to help with something that is so important to a 10 year old. We have to put forth the effort and I know that Heavenly Father will answer. Tayler is an amazing girl I'm lucky to have her. So as she puts forth her faith and creates away for her testimony in prayer to be strengthened, I will do the same little by little.

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News!

(Here we are taking a picture to send to Daddy of Brookie playing before her testing.)
We are back at it again Dr. visit after Dr. visit. Brookie has had 4 UTI and kidney infections since the middle of February. A year ago we found out she had reflux but that we had a 60% chance of it healing itself. Now almost a year later and continual infections the Dr.'s are pretty sure it has not fixed itself. So last week we went to Cardon Children's to have another VCUG done. (which is a horrible procedure especially for a young kiddo.) Went through all the prepping to find out that she has another UTI even after just getting off antibiotics just days before. So it was a No Go because of causing damage to the kidneys. All that crying and pain for nothing. I was in tears for Brookie by the time we left. After another antibiotic we will head down again for more testing and she will be somewhat sedated this time. SO Sad.

Max has been back and forth to the Dr. here lately for ear infections and looks like we are staring at getting tubes done right in the face. It has been ridiculous.

Reagan has been such a good baby and has not been sick, but today we will head to the Dr. for her. Fever, snot, and a nasty cough calls for someone to check her out and help us try to get back on to the road of recovery.

Easter and a Brithday!

Happy Easter Everyone! We have done the Easter baskets, Egg Hunting and just got back from church. I don't know that having the Easter bunny come before church really works all that well. Our church is at 11:00 which is prefect but the kids of course eat some candy in the morning and probably more than I realize, which made for a out of control time at church. Surprisingly it wasn't Max that was out of control, it was my over excited Brookie. I'm just glad we made it through and hopefully we all got a little something from church and the true meaning of Easter.

This is a special holiday for me. I love everything that it represents. Ever since my dad's passing I have looked at this day so much different. I'm so very grateful for my Savior and his continued love and patience with me. I am so thankful for my family and their love and patience for me, especially my goofiness.

Dad's Grave.

Friday the kids were out of school so we went to the cemetery to decorate Kamber and my dad's grave for Easter. I was a beautiful day and I was surprised at how many people were there. As the kids and I were putting flowers and balloons down another family came walking by saying to each other and pointing, "Hey that's the headstone we say last time." That's it!" We looked up realizing they were talking about our girls resting place. I like that people notice our Kamber, she is so very special! They continued on a couple rows back and proceeded to dig in the fresh ground of a grave to place some things they bought for their loved one who had recently passed. I guess it was for a Grandmother or Grandfather, someone older.

It was a good day on Friday and today has been good also. I have Love in my heart and a smile on my face.

Kamber's grave site for Easter and a close up of her headstone for those who have not seen it.

Last but certainly not least, it is Ethan's Birthday today! Happy Birthday Ethan I love you more than you'll ever know!

NO Babies on ME!

I have no kids hanging on me right now, I can't believe it. I better type fast and knock on some wood. Max is sleeping and so is Reagan, Brookie is in having quiet time. Whew that doesn't happen often.

Reagan is now 4 months old, which for me is going by so fast. She is such a good baby, we all are in love with her. Many people keep asking me who Reagan looks like, since she doesn't look like any of my other girls or shall we say any of our girls that you can see. Reagan is almost the exact cookie cut of Kamber at this age. They look so much alike and not only that but her growth stats are to the T of what Kamber was at this age and when she was born for that matter. None of my other kids were in the same percentile or had the same bone structure. This has been a beautiful blessing for us. When we knew we were having another girl all we kept hoping for is that she would look like Kamber. Her personality is more mellow. Kamber was a screaming no sleeping baby for a long time. It was really hard.
Anyways, life is crazy, but we are doing good. Soon Easter will be here and we will celebrate the life of Christ and remind ourselves how thankful we are for his sacrifice so that we can all live again and that we can have Eternal Families. I hear my baby crying, so that's all for now. Have a wonderful Easter!

Brookie

Today is Brookie's Birthday and she turns 4 yrs. old. Time has sure flown by and I can't believe how big and grown up she is getting. We had her birthday party on Saturday after conference with some family and friends. Brookie kind of gets a week long birthday celebration because of how her birthday falls this year. Since it is today it is hard to have people over with it being a school night so we did a little celebration with my family Saturday and then on Easter it is Ethan's birthday so we will be over at the Larsen's for that so we decided to celebrate Ethan and Brookie together with the Larsen's to since we will be there anyways because of Easter. Anyways it makes for a long week of celebrations!
Below are some pictures of the party for Brookie.


Pictures from today her actual special day. We love You Brookie!!!!

A Special Day

March 4th we blessed Reagan at church. That day was a special day for many reasons. First because we had all the family together to bless Reagan at church and give her a name and a blessing which was given my her daddy. Ethan did a beautiful job and I was so very touched by his sweet words for his little girl. Speaking in front of a group of people is not something Ethan likes to do. He will actually turn down speaking in church. He gets physically sick and I don't blame him one bit. BUT for each one of kids kiddos he musters the strength to do something so very special for them. Just before church we had Larsen family pictures since we all were together, which doesn't happen that often with Spencer playing in the NFL. We get to see his little family about once a year so we took that opportunity to get a family shot that hasn't been done in a couple years. And of course while we were doing it we did a special shot of our own little family.

I'm grateful for our family coming to support us that day. I'm thankful for the testimonies that were born. One testimony in particular was an answer to prayers that I have said many times over and over during that past couple years. It was a very humbling day for me.

To top the day off it was Spencer's birthday and we were all together to celebrate. I don't think the day could have gone any better.

Remember It Could Be Worse.

It has been quite a week. Monday it was Presidents day and my kiddos were home. I do enjoy my time having all the kids home, but I am finding out that as my family grows it is not as easy as it was before. The house usually looks like a bomb went off when we are all home. Tuesday I got pulled over in the morning after dropping Tayler off at school. This is only my second time in all my years of driving. I was on my best behavior in hopes that he would pass me a mulligan, but it must have been my bed head and funky morning clothing that said I deserve this ticket. You would think that my 3 whining kids in car seats in the back would make him feel sorry for me and send me on my way. Nope that didn't help either. He must not have any kids of his own or I was just at fault and I had to pay the consequences. I tried not to let it ruin my day and did pretty good on that reminding myself that it could be worse. Well worse did come when that night Max started running a high fever and Reagan broke out in a rash that looked more like a burn covering her whole body. So Wednesday morning off to the Dr. we went with kids in toe. Reagan is allergic to Albuteral which she was on for wheezing and Max has double ear infections. Then Wednesday night Brookie starts throwing up and running a fever. Put two and two together and realized that the medicine she was on was not clearing up the bladder infection that she has had. So now we are on a stronger medication that she can't stand the taste of. So its been bad, but it still could be worse. I've been trying to work on positive thinking. This to will pass and we will be on to the next adventure. We are blessing Reagan next week so that will be a special day to look forward to.

6 Valentines and 1 Knight

1. Tayler, she is such a Sweetheart!

2. Kylie, she gives lots of hugs!

3. Kamber, she is silly and forever our angel.

4. Brookie, she always is saying I Love You!

5. Max, he is the biggest tease and silly.

6. Reagan, she sweet, special and the cutest baby!

My Knight! I know cheesy, huh. BUT truth be told he is. He has always rescued me from the sadness that may come my way. He is my shoulder to cry on. Not only that, but he is my best friend. He makes me laugh everyday and I love it. This picture really shows our relationship. I am more serious and he is the biggest tease. Happy Valentines Day!

Happy 6th Birthday Angel Girl!

Here we are once again celebrating another birthday without our sweetheart here. The last month or two have been really hard. I have had some crying spells over my Kamber and I would have to say that it has been quite a long time since I have cried so hard about Kamber being gone. I continue to feel the waves of grief through out mine and my children's lives. Though today we have all done well and been concentrating on her life rather than her death. She truly brought so much happiness to our lives and continues to bring a smile to our face as we think of her and of the day that we get to meet again. Kamber is still very much a part of our family and is introduced to each one of our children at a young age. Brookie talks of her often and as if she has known her, her whole life. Max is starting to recognize her and we will make sure she is a part of his and Reagan's lives also.

This year we have decided to just do our family for her birthday for now on. It has actually been nice to have our own time to reflect. We went down to the cemetery as a family and did a balloon release on our own and decorated her grave. It was very peaceful. Tonight we are doing dinner,ice cream and watching a movie as a family. A simple birthday for a beautiful girl. We love you Kamber with all our hearts! Happy 6th Birthday Angel Girl!!!

Just a Second

I have just a second, so I thought I would put a picture of sweet baby Reagan. Life is good, very busy but, good. Love my kiddos and think of my one watching over us while we try to keep things together. I am sure there are many times Kamber just laughs watching all the craziness!

Hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas! All is well at the Larsen home. We are so happy to have Reagan here healthy! She is a very sweet little girl and I will post her birth story after the holidays. Many tender mercies that day to remind us that Kamber is close by and watching over us.:) We've had some crazy times showing us that raising 5 kids and having 3 under 3 yrs. old can be quite the challenge, but life goes on and we are doing our best to enjoy the ride. Happy Holidays Everyone!

10 days...

It is officially 10 days till our little one will be here. I can't believe I'm more than likely going to make it to the 39 week mark. At 32weeks I was already dilating which is why I was put on mild bed rest. But now my body is taking its sweet time now that we can have her come safely. What a little stinker. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I actually have kiddos that are not feeling well and now Ethan is saying he is starting to not feel well either and I think we all know how fun it is to have our husbands sick. Haha! So hopefully I can get us all feeling better before our little girl makes her grand entrance.

Thank you everyone that has made a vote on the poll. It has been a lot of fun getting on to see everyone opinions. We have a few days left, so if you haven't voted yet do so. Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving! With my record I probably won't post again till after I have my baby, unless I surprise myself.:)

I Guess it is Time...

I've been feeling that I need to post, but it has been quite busy around here. I had been put on mild bed rest about a month or so ago, but I can't say that it slowed me down any. I have never had a child come early and my last 3 have been induced early because of having 9 lb babies 2 weeks early. Having 4 kids takes a lot of your time. My 2 older kiddos are busy with school, friends, and sports. Brookie is busy being a toddler and an older sister. Her language is changing and we have to be very careful with what we say around her because she then uses it in her vocabulary. Max is what I would think a typical boy is. He keeps me very busy, wow! But I wouldn't have it any other way. I have about 3 weeks left till our new baby girl comes and I am feeling the pressure and anxiety from it. I don't know how I'm going to do 3 kids under 3, I guess just never leave the house? I have to say that my Mr. Max does not like it when I hold other babies, I have a feeling he is going to want this one to go away for a while. And the anxiety builds as I worry about this new little one. After the death of Kamber I really worry a lot about my children, especially the little ones. There is no guarantee that we get to keep our children here. I use to be so naive about it. Now I know how real that statement really is. It probably doesn't help that I know tons of other families that have lost children due to many different circumstances. These are very special people in my life and I know that anything can take my children from me. I try not to think about it and be positive,but I think it will forever be a cloud that hangs over my head. I still think of my Kamber everyday and wonder what life would be like with her here. I don't know if that will ever change and hope it never will. The day of her death has forever changed our lives that effect us in little ways day to day. Ethan took Brookie with him the other day to a clients house who have a pool in their backyard. They are having a bunch of construction done on their house outside but Ethan and Brookie would be out front. I had to take Tayler to volleyball practice and I couldn't convince Brookie to come with me. I do trust Ethan and yet I don't trust anyone one not even myself. I cried as I drove away from Brookie waving at me with a big smile on her face. Just what if kept going through my head. I know that the chances of something like a death actually happening to one of my children, especially another drowning is very slim but my mind can't help but go there. Hopefully once I have this baby and she continues to grow up my anxieties can settle some and I can start feeling what is my new normal again. So 3 weeks left unless we have a surprise. Right around Thanksgiving so it will be quite a ride, but we are so happy.:)

We will be naming our "baby" Reagan, but we are trying to maybe do the spelling different like we have with all of our kids and the middle name we are not sure of. I had fun doing a poll with Maxton and seeing what you guys liked so I thought maybe we should try it again. So check out the side bar and vote if you would like or leave your opinion in the comments, love to hear your ideas! Like I said before it may or may not sway our thoughts, we will see. Just for fun!

I LOVE this BOY!!!!

He of course is the cutest little boy I've ever seen. These pictures were taken a few months ago for his 1 year pictures. I know he looks older than a one year old. He is in the 98th percentile for height and weight. I guess that is what happens when your dad is 6'5 and has a big strong build. The doctors keep reminding me that all my kids will be bigger than I am. Yep, I know but I love it. I think tall girls are beautiful and I would have to say that tall men are quite handsome, hence why I married one.

Just wanted to show some pictures of my growing boy that stole my heart a year ago. I'm so sad he is growing up so fast.:(

For those who missed the news...

Man Makes, Donates Children's Caskets in Daughter's Memory: MyFoxPHOENIX.com

Fox 10 News Tonight!

Watch the news tonight at 5:30! Our family will be on talking about Kamber's Kaskets. We are excited for it to show and hope it will help bring donations in to continue.

I am so glad that it is over now. I of course was shaking and my voice was cracking which I was hoping wouldn't happen. My emotions seem to get the best of me sometimes. Regardless I hope that the story is done well and people will be touched. I hope we made Kamber proud!