Proactive Solution

When you have kids you hear funny things all the time. Definitely at my house you are bound to hear something off the wall. My daughter Kylie is known for the funny things she says and at times being brutally honest. Kylie is a cuddle bug and loves to make you laugh.

Last week she woke up one morning with a couple bumps on her face. She was embarrassed to know that she had a few pimples. Really they weren't even that noticeable. Anyways... as I dropped her off for school her last words to me were "Hey mom, don't forget to get me Proactive Solution for my pimples!" Tayler insists that "Skin Id" is better than Proactive because they said so on their commercial. Kids... what would we do without them? Life definitely wouldn't be as funny!


Girls thanks for a good laugh and reminding me how wonderful and innocent little kids are. I Love You BOTH!

Lots of things

There has been a lot of things on my mind here lately. I have been trying to decide what to post for a while now.

The past week I have been preparing my lesson for next Sunday when I teach all the young women in our ward. This is a little more nerve racking since I will have all the leaders listening to me other than just the girls. I want to do a good job and keep their attention. My lesson is on being a peacemaker. It is a lesson that has taught me alot and since preparing it I have been trying to be more aware of how I act and try to be a peacemaker. In doing so it does bring a sense of calm to your life. I am able to handle somethings more easily. So I am excited to teach this lesson!

Yesterday was my brother in laws b-day! His family celebrated his b-day and his sons b-day yesterday since they will be going back to Colorado soon. It was nice to see them again and get to visit with family. I enjoyed watching all the little kids play and have fun. It was a nice night!

Then after the b-day party I headed off to my friend Valerie and Amy's shoe party. These are my friends in my old ward so I was excited to see all my friends that I haven't seen in a while. Amy and Valerie didn't only have shoes, they also had purses,sunglasses,cute jeans,and scentsy candles! Her home was packed with lots of ladies enjoying a good time together shopping. I loved getting to chit chat with all my friends, they are all beautiful women inside and out. I know some of them are struggling with some things right now, but they still had their beautiful smiles on their face even though I know there is hurt inside them. I haven't been through this same trial that some of them are going through, but I can say that I know how bad it hurts to want something that you aren't able to have right now. It didn't feel right to say it to them last night but girls if you are reading this know that I think of you often and can feel a little bit of your hurt, I know I don't fully understand but I care for you.:) Anyways... I loved visiting with all of you ladies last night!!!

So the past couple of days I have been worried. I have not felt my baby move in days when just days and weeks before I really could feel this baby wiggle around. I really started getting nervous 2 nights ago. I did everything to feel this baby move. Finally yesterday I realized that if this baby was not going to make it that it was out of my hands. I drank the huge amount of cold water and laid on my side yesterday afternoon after hours of trying to feel the baby move and nothing. I did what the doctors say to do and nothing. I left for the parties yesterday feeling a little sad, not knowing if I should panic and insist that I get into the doctor today or just wait till my ultrasound on Monday and let what was to be,to be. I decided to just be patient and realize I have no control. I seemed to feel some peace with that decision. Of course at the parties people were asking about the baby and if I knew what I was having. "Monday" I would say and in the back of my mind thinking about how it had been days since I had felt the baby move. Why is it that when we just give up and let things be that Heavenly Father sends us tender mercies?Maybe it is because the hard times make us more humble? But late last night I felt some fluttering, nothing like I had felt before but some hope that it wasn't gas! ha ha Then I woke in the middle of the night for my ritual potty time and I felt stronger movements and then again this morning. What a relief, my baby was just playing hide and seek. I am so thankful for that reassurance from my Heavenly Father. I am thankful for tender mercies, I have had many throughout my life and it is amazing as I look back on them, they have been through the hardest times in my life. Times when to me my prayers weren't being answered the way I wanted but the way that Heavenly Father intended, but I seem to always be lifted up in some way even though it wasn't my way.

Not a day goes by without thinking of her

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Kamber. She is the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing when I wake. I think of her and then it quickly goes away for a moment while I hurry and get my girls ready for school in the morning. The thoughts of her quickly return on my way home from dropping my girls off. I remember the morning rides with Kamber in the back seat wanting to open the gate when we returned home from dropping the girls off for school. As soon as I get back home I race to clean up the house as fast as I can before Brookie wakes, which isn't long. While I am cleaning thoughts of Kamber always enter my head. The thoughts that usually swirl in my mind are often of the day she died, the week leading up to the funeral, the dressing of her,viewing, and funeral. I wish my mind wouldn't focus on these sad things, which wasn't always sad. There were many very spiritual times during that week. I wish that more often that I would think of the time that she lived. The thoughts of her running around, laughing, playing, being silly, and being naughty, Oh! I would take naughty over being gone.

Thank goodness those sad thoughts pass and I can think and focus on the happy times. My girls make it easy for that to happen especially Brookie. She doesn't look like Kamber's twin but she acts just like her. It blows my mind how similar they are. We love that we get to see those traits in Brookie. It would be sad to never see the silly traits of Kamber ever again.

I am grateful for my quite mornings to think of Kamber and then the afternoon and evenings when my family reminds me of things that I may have forgot. I love my family, each person is so special and serves a very special purpose in our home.

Who doesn't Like Nursery? My kiddos

I don't know why it is, but my kids do not like nursery. I have yet to have a child that enjoys it. What is there not to love. Two hours of playing with toys, singing, and having yummy snacks. I guess that doesn't count as fun to my girls. Tayler would scream until she would throw up, Kylie would sream, but they wouldn't let that last long knowing what happened with Tayler, Kamber wanted nothing to do with it, in fact she didn't like church at all. She was the hardest child to take to church. My heavenly child that doesn't like church, that is kind of funny to think about. Brookie has been in nursery for a while and I have yet to have her stay 5 minutes after I leave.



This past week Ethan was sick so I took the kids to church by myself. Sacrament meeting wasn't all that bad, but that is probably because I sat in the foyer. Brookie was able to roam and that seemed to help her be more happy. Then I took her to nursery. That went pretty good for the first hour. She did keep checking to make sure I was still there from time to time, but she seemed to enjoy it. Then it came time that I had to leave to teach in Young Womens. I snuck out the door and stood for a while and heard no crying, I thought I was home free. About 10 mins. later I heard crying down the hall and sure enough it was Brookie. Thank goodness she was pretty good in Young Womens and then a friend of mine took Brookie out for a walk and tried taking Brookie into nursery to play for a while. Brookie's happiness was then shot and she was in tears again. By the time they made it back to me my lesson was over and it was time to go home. Maybe the boogie man lives in the nursery closets, I don't know, again another child that doesn't care for it. Somehow we need to break this cycle because for now Ethan takes her home to chase her around. It is either chasing her at home or chase her in the halls for 2 hours getting nothing out of church. Either way nursery should be fun, I guess mommy and daddy are more fun than any other toys.:)

This is what I do have

For Kamber's Birthday I decorated my home with some pictures of Kamber along with Valentine decorations to give it a happy feel. This is one of the pictures I had displayed on the counter. The picture is in a frame that says SISTERS. I have let the pictures stay out for our family to look at a little longer till they get moved back to the bedrooms and are not as noticeable everyday. I have enjoyed seeing this picture everyday and have it remind me that Yes, I really to have 4 girls. I have been noticing as I study this picture that my girls really do look alot alike. I never really thought that before even though I have heard this many times.

So I have reminisced on the day we took this picture and I remember how happy we all were and how very sweet all my girls were with welcoming Brookie to our family. They each were so patient waiting their turn to hold their baby sister.

Yes, I do have 4 girls, this is my family. I feel that Kamber is here very often so to me things haven't change all that much. I'm still trying to get use to not seeing her and just feeling her presence. It sometimes takes me by surprise still when I'm out and about and I hear. "So you are pregnant with your fourth then." My response is always "actually my 5th" and then I have to remind myself that Kamber's presence is so real to me and my family but that she can't be seen. That is right you can't see one of my beautiful daughters. But if anyone ever wants to know about the one that can't be seen but who's presence is strong and wonderful I will be happy to tell all about her anytime!

Happy Birthday Kamber!

Kamber's 2 yr. birthday!

Four years ago today I gave birth to our third beautiful baby girl! Four years, I cant believe it. Time has flown by so fast and yet at times it has gone so slow. My first two girls are 16 months apart and since that wore me out we waited 31/2 years before we got Kamber. Before we got pregnant I kept having the feeling that we were suppose to have another child, but I didn't feel quite ready. I put off that feeling for about 6 months and Kamber was conceived the very month we thought that maybe we would think about having another child. She was suppose to be a part of our family, we knew that form the start. Little did we know that she would only be with us for a short while. She was a great new addition to our family and brought so much happiness and joy. We still as a family talk about all the funny things she did that made us laugh on a daily basis. She was here to teach us about pure love and the happiness that life can bring. She is a special light in our lives even today as we think about the beautiful girl that she is.



Like I said 4 yrs old, wow! I have thought and wondered what she would look like today. To me when you are 4 you are no longer a toddler. Your looks change so much and you start acting more like a little girl. It does make me alittle sad when I try to picture her as a young girl and can't. My girls were even saying today that it feels like she is turning 2 again. I know what they mean, her 2 yr. old birthday was the last one we had for her months before she died.



Regardless for all the sad memories we are happy to celebrate her birthday and have a party for her with all of our family and close friends! So here's to Kamber turning 4 and all the fun times we had with her!

Kamber's Birthday is Coming

Kamber's birthday is in 10 days. I can't believe how fast time is flying by. My little girl would be 4 yrs. old this year. I can't believe it! I have tried to picture what she would look like now, but I can't. I wonder what she would be saying now, but I can't. I still picture her as my little 2 1/2 yr. old blond haired girl. I often wonder what life would be like now taking her to preschool and seeing all the new things she would be learning. It would be fun to watch her play with Brookie and would she understand that she would be a big sister again?

Time ticks by before we know it and I am planning another party for my child who is not here. But it will be a day filled with memories of her and happiness for the time we spent with her. We will do the same things as last year, which I think made it a happy day for all. Anyone that would like is invited to come, just send me a comment so I can plan on you!

Maybe you were wondering?

I finally had my doctors appointment last Monday. I had been waiting a long time for it. I was excited to go and find out how my baby was doing. I got checked in and filled out the paper work that you always have to do with a new pregnancy. My hubby came with me and I was grateful for that. As I was waiting I started getting really nervous. I told my husband that if they didn't call me back soon that I was going to leave, the anxiety was building. Next thing I knew I burst into tears. Emotions that I didn't expect came on too fast of pace for me to control them and it seemed like the more I tried, the more I cried. I told Ethan that I don't think I could do this. How could I bring another child into this world and feel that joy when I have lost one? Maybe I can't handle four kids and now I am doing it again. The struggle within me was coming out. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I guess there is still guilt along with grief. I will be grateful for the day that I don't have spouts of the overwhelming guilt and grief.

Anyways people were looking and probably thinking I'm just one of those emotional pregnant
women, which I guess I am. Nurses wanted to know what was going on. My doctor understood because he came to Kamber's viewing. He reassured me I wasn't crazy and I get to go back on meds! The meds seem to help with some of the anxiety. Since I wasn't quite sure how far along I was we scheduled for an ultrasound 2 days later.

We went to the ultrasound with no problems this time. I was able to go in and just enjoy seeing my baby kicking around. Everything looked great and I am 12 weeks pregnant! My husband asked the nurse to just check and see if she had an idea of the sex of the baby. She told us that all babies this early normally look like boys but depending on the angle of the nub and other little factors it can give an indication if the nub will disappear. To her it looks like this one is going to be.......... a boy! Don't get to excited, it can change and if that is the case we will be happy anyway. We are just grateful for the children that we have. Anyways... I will continue to keep you posted on how things are going!

How's Your Faith?

Life will always bring different challenges. Sometimes we go through a period that we just seem to soar through life and things are great. At these times it is easy for our faith in Christ to be strong and never ending. How is your faith ? when times are different than what you want them to be. I have always considered my faith to be strong, even in tough times. I feel that I have been able to press forward through the thick and the thin. I have to admit that over the past year and a half I have noticed that I second guess myself and Heavenly Father from time to time. I guess my confidence that Christ knows best is lacking a bit. I hear Ethan say from time to time, How is your Faith? This is one thing I thought that I had him beat on in the spiritual department.

We have some things to think about and things that we are praying for. I am trying really hard to let my faith in Christ take over and know that he knows whats best for us. So as I was sitting this morning thinking about my prayers the thought came to me, How's your faith? I quickly realized that my lack of confidence isn't so much in Christ, but in myself. Will I recognize that answer to our prayers and accept what is to be? I hope I can and become stronger because of it.

Gotta Watch!

I love, love, love this song. Be ready for tears, but well worth it!!!

I hope you feel the sweet spirit of this song. It gives me strength to endure when times are hard. Such a simple reminder to turn to our Heavenly Father and know we can make it through anything.

Remember to pause my music on my blog before watching.

Christmas, to see Kamber

Christmas this year was wonderful. We had a simple Christmas and I loved the spirit of that day. We of course went to visit Kamber's grave and set some decorations. I really enjoyed being at the cemetery this year. There is a special spirit at the cemetery on Christmas, a feeling so different then the other times I go. It hits your heart as you pull in and see all the people that are also there to visit their loved ones graves. The cemetery is decked out with wreaths and red and green everywhere. It is a beautiful site to see. This Christmas there was absolute peace. We cleaned her beautiful headstone and added decorations just for her, perfect. I was glad I didn't feel an overwhelming sadness and could just be at peace on this special day.

We continue to miss Kamber everyday. She is on our minds and always in our hearts. We are excited for this new baby to come, but it doesn't fill the hole in our hearts that Kamber left. We continue to be grateful for our blessings and know that we wouldn't survive without the love of our Heavenly Father.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas season and New Year!

Merry Christmas!

We got a special gift from Kamber this year!
We are having another little baby Girl or Boy!

The month I am due is not known yet, but I will keep you all updated.

It is exciting that Kamber already knows who is coming to our family. It would be fun to know all the things she is telling the little one. Kamber will be there to send this special child to our home and there to welcome them home, when that time comes. We feel very blessed to have this new child and blessed to have Kamber on the other side. Our hearts are full this Christmas and we are so very thankful for our family.

Merry Christmas everyone! Love the Larsen's

Bad Prayer

I love my Kylie. She has such a tender heart. The other night she came into my room just sobbing. All I heard come out of her mouth was "I said a bad prayer" and some other mumbling. I took her by the hand and had her sit on my bed to try and calm her down. She finally calmed down enough that I could understand her. She told me how she had said a bad prayer and that she didn't know if Heavenly Father heard her second prayer that was good. She was missing Kamber and had prayed that we all could die so we could live in heaven with Kamber. She started crying hysterically again when she told me that she really didn't want us to die, but that she just wants to be with Kamber. My heart broke as I held her close wishing I could take away her pain and explained that Heavenly Father was not going to take us away that night. He doesn't just take people away just for fun. I said a prayer with Kylie that night talking to Heavenly Father about how sad we are that Kamber is gone and that we know that we will be with her again. Kylie seemed to feel better after that and we went into her room where I laid by her side till she fell asleep.

The innocence of a child is so sweet. I love Kylie and I am so grateful that Kylie knows that she can talk to her Heavenly Father about how she feels and that if it is a bad prayer that she came come to mommy and I will do my best to make it better.

Just A Reminder

I was out today running some errands. I was about 3 miles from my house when a little incident happened that bothered me and I wanted to put a little reminder out there for everyone.

All around my home there happens to be many fire stations. We have a couple of the Mesa Fire Stations and Rural Metro is just up the street. I have grown quit fond of the Firemen, probably not for the same reason that you may be. (Though I will admit lots of Firemen are good looking.) It is just that firemen have been in my life for way to long. It seemed routine to have them at my home when I was little do to my dad having seizures. I was always so grateful when they arrived because I knew they would help my family. Second, my gratitude for them came when they came to the rescue of Kamber. They tried with all their might to save her. We could see it in their eyes that it was also an emotional call for them. We have kept in some contact with them, but try not to be around to much as to not be a constant reminder of a very hard day for them. We had heard that tears were shed over the loss of Kamber and one of the Firemen couldn't return to work to finish his shift. My heart continues to go out to these men and prayers are said in their behalf still.

So now on to the incident today that bothered me so much. As I was driving down Power Road towards my house Rural Metro was coming in the opposite direction from me with Lights and Sirens going. Behind them was the ambulance with lights and sirens going also. It was evident that they were in a hurry. I quickly pulled to the side and watched as not one other car pulled to the side or even stopped. I couldn't believe what I was seeing as the Firetruck and Ambulance had to come to a stop in the middle lane to try and go around people. I was so bothered by this, knowing what it is like to be on the other end of the 911 call. You are panicked and so desperately wanting to hear the sound of those sirens to know that help is on it's way. When it is you that is waiting for help it feels like an eternity when maybe only minutes have passed. Minutes are precious when something is bad enough that you call 911 and the Firemen feel it is necessary to run the lights and sirens. So next time you see the lights or hear the sirens make sure you move to the side whether you think you need to or not because you still could be in the way of someone else trying to get out of the way. There is always someone on the other end of the line waiting for help.

BOUTIQUE AND CHRISTMAS PARTY ARE OVER/ NEW ASSIGNMENT FOR THIS WEEK

Yesterday was a day full of stress. I had the last boutique/charity for Kamber for the year. I also had our ward Christmas party that evening that I was in charge of. On top of all that I was speaking in the program for the party. By the time the party was to start that night I was breaking out into hives on my neck and I was shaking uncontrollably. I actually didn't feel nervous to speak, I was just so stressed from everything I had to get done that day. Actually the whole week leading up to yesterday just was crazy. I am just soooo happy that is all done and over with.

I just found out that I am released from that calling in my ward and have been given another calling. It hasn't been announced yet so you will just have to wait to find out what that calling is.

My new assignment for this week is to get a pay pal account set up for the Kamber's Kaskets. We had a fairly good amount of donations from the boutique, almost enough to finish one casket. Many others want to donate and have asked about an account. Since I know that people are interested in helping that is the next step, so look for it on the blog by the end of the week if you are interested in donating!

The Caskets of Love, They're coming along

I know that this might be something hard for some of you to see, but this is a true reality. Here are some of the caskets partially finished. They are coming along and sad to say someday they will have to be used. I hate that this is part of some people reality but I am also grateful that we can help someone out during their time of need. I am grateful to have Kamber be apart of this special-tender Charity. Something good to come from Kamber's tragedy.

One of My Favorites!

My mother-in law had this picture of Kamber on her blog today. I saw it and smiled, but had a little ping in my heart. Oh, how much I love and miss this sweet little girl. I had to post the picture because it is one of my favorites! I love you Kamber! :)

Winter Boutique/Kamber's Kaskets

The Winter Boutique and Kamber's charity was yesterday. It was a cold rainy day, but the show must go on. Actually I really enjoyed the weather and rain, I just wish it didn't rain as much as it did. It put a little damper on the fact that the boutique was outside. I was amazed at the amount of people that came out despite of the weather. We raised very little money, but it was fun none the less.

I was surprised how emotional I was. I should have know the emotions were coming, since I kept myself extremely busy last week. I had one focus and my mind wouldn't deviate from it. That is usually how I get before the water works start. I had my sister change my hair color to a dark brown and when it turned out darker than I anticipated, it put me on edge. (This is another sign that I am hiding from my emotions, I try to change myself on the outside in hopes to make me feel good on the inside. I am sure my sister and sister in law are ready to beat me.) Anyways, that night I cried because I felt I didn't look like Kamber's mom anymore and how out of wack my life still is even a year after my daughters death. I didn't cry at the boutique, it wasn't a safe place for my emotions, but they were right at the surface, till my friends and family came. They were my saving grace.

My new hair do!

My friend Crystal that was putting on the boutique was put into the hospital last Sunday. She is pregnant and not due till January, but she went into active labor and none of the medications any of the doctors were giving her were stopping the labor, so she was admitted. Crystal has been my friend since 9th grade. We have always been pretty much tied at the hip. I knew that her going into labor so early was very dangerous for her baby and I did not want our charity to benefit one of my friends. Crystal is doing much better and will more than likely be able to go home on Tuesday, but she will have to stay down.

Here is a picture of Crystal and her husband a year ago.

Needless to say... the boutique went on and very well given the circumstances. I cried Friday night and fought back all my emotions on Saturday till my family and friends arrived. Thank goodness for family and friends, what would be do without them in our lives?

Our Kamber table looked so pretty and I was so impressed with everyone else at the boutique. There are some seriously talented women. I just wish one of them was me. :)

Here are some pictures at the boutique!

Thanks to all that participated.

Kamber Larsen

( To read her story, double click to enlarge.)

This weekend is the boutique that is going to help raise money for Kamber's charity. Ethan has already started making caskets from wood that we already have in the garage. I have to say that these little caskets are looking beautiful. That is kind of sad to say when you are talking about a casket that a little child will have to be laid to rest in. It is the inevitable, children do die. I am just so grateful to be able to help others out. Hopefully those that will have to use our caskets will really know that each one is made with sincere love.

After going through this trail it has brought out a love that I never knew existed. It is a pure love for others, especially for those who have to suffer. I would do anything to be able to save families from ever having to go through this same trial in life. I wish I could protect every one. I wish I could have protected my girls from this, but that isn't how our life was meant to be. Now it is up to Ethan and I to stand up and teach our girls how to endure. I hope we can be an example of how to love others, especially those in need.

Thanks Crystal and Melissa for your love and help!

We Use To Have Four...

I went to Kohl's tonight to get some things and took my wild girls. Actually they were pretty good for me. They all got a long with each other and I love hearing them laugh and play together. As we were checking out the cute girl at the register made the comment that we have 3 girls and how cute they were. I just said thanks and smiled. Before I knew it Kylie blurts out "We used to have four." It didn't bother me that she said that because that is usually her response, but tonight it went even farther. The young girl was taken back by Kylie's response and in a questioning voice said " Use to have four?" Well, you question Kylie and she will give you her story. " Yes, we use to have four but she died. Kamber jumped into the deep end of the pool and drown. Actually it was our spa but, we don't really cry anymore. We use to cry a lot when it first happened. Tayler and I kept wondering when she drowned if Kamber was dead and she was but it is okay now." As Kylie was telling her story I could feel the vice tightening around my heart. I couldn't bring myself to look at the girls face. I'm sure she felt horrible. Her response was "Sorry, that was a bad question." I just told her it was okay and that we are use to the question. A question that I feel will be answered that way for years to come.