Easter Time!

April is a beautiful month. I absolutely love the weather and seeing all the beautiful plants and flowers in bloom. This month brings a lot of good memories and at one time in my life it brought sad memories too. It has taken me quite a few years to enjoy this month again, but one thing has always remained, this month brings a humble heart. 16 years ago on April 20th, exactly one month from my mom and dads anniversary my dad passed away from a brain tumor. He was diagnosed 6 years before that and we did everything possible to save my dads life. Surgery was done, medication was taken, fasting and prayers were always being said. I saw many scary times in my life, times I was sure it was the end for my dad. But miracles were given to our family during these 6 years that I will never forget. Love was poured onto our family from our Heavenly Father and yes the brain tumor that was removed six years before came back and eventually took my dad's life.

Now 16 years later instead of focusing on all that was lost during the month of April, I focus on the blessings that were given, the happiness my dad brought, and the lessons that we have learned, at least hope I have learned. My healing came long before this 16 year mark, but there are times I think of what I wouldn't give to have my dad here to have a relationship with. What I wouldn't give to have him here with my kids. I know he would be so proud and absolutely love them. It is such a blessing to have a father in your life and better yet to have a relationship with them. I know my husband and my dad would get along really well. Matter of fact Ethan reminds me in many ways of my dad. The things they like are very similar. It would be so fun to see and watch. That day will come because of Easter.


Another special person I think of during this time of year is my sweet Kamber. This picture is our last Easter with her and one of my favorite pictures. Again I am humble to have this special spirit in our family. She has come to pave the way for our family. The bar is set high and I know that some how we will acheive it.


Here are my girls on that last Easter Sunday after church. I thought they were so cute and pictures had to be taken. Three special kiddos.

So as the Easter bunny did make it to our house so did the true spirit of Easter. I use to think that the atonment was just for sin and that Jesus died only for our sins. But through our trials I have come to know that it is for our heartache too. He felt our pain and sorrow. I know he lives. He lives for me and my family so we will be reunited again never to be apart, never to have sorrow or pain of death... He lives!


Easter dresses and a suit for my little man! :)

Happy Birthday To My Man!

Happy Birthday Ethan! It's the Big 30 and all down hill from here.:) I tried to do a party for the man that doesn't like any parties. I actually got him to agree to a party, so shocked. I tried, I really did, but things didn't work out and he is actually sick today. What a way to celebrate your birthday, huh! We will make up for it when he feels better! I Love You Ethan!

This is how he rides!

In the shopping cart that is... Gotta be able to see all of what is going on! I just love him.:)

Another Birthday!!!

We have a Birthday today! Brookie turns 3 today and I can't believe it. Actually I can, to me she is growing us so slowly; which I am loving by the way. With Kamber gone it makes a huge gap between Kylie and Brookie, 5 1/2 years to be exact. Maybe that is why it feels like she should be older than she is, to fill that huge hole left there by Kamber's passing.

Anyways I am so grateful to have my Brookie bear. She has the sweetest heart and quite the fiery personality. Brookie probably tells me 20 times a day that she loves me, no joke! I love those words, I cherish those words. Really, Really I do. So Happy Birthday my lovable not so much a baby anymore, baby girl. I Love You!

Here is Dora today at our house. AKA Brookie Larsen:) She loves Dora!

Trying to hold up 3 fingers, smile and look at the camera at the same time is hard for a 3 year old.

Our First

Today is a very bitter sweet day for us. Our first casket was donated today for a little 7 year old boy. Our hearts and prayers go out to the Ellsworth family.

This is how it all came to be:

If you remember I posted a while ago about our nonprofit. I expressed my frustration about not being able to raise enough money to finish even one casket. From that post we receive 2 donations. They were not large amounts of money, but they were very much appreciated and any amount is wonderful and more than we had before. I then received a tip from a friend of mine that has also lost a child. She steered me towards the Desert Club. This women's club does the Christmas Idea House each year around Christmas time. Maybe you have heard of them? They usually find a mansion and move the family out for a week and transform the home into a Christmas Wonderland. They are able to raise money this way and they do a wonderful job. They also give grants for nonprofits and scholarships to High School graduates. I was told to hurry and send in an application and give it a try for a grant. About a month later we got the phone call that we were chosen and that we need to come to the awards ceremony to receive our donation and talk about Kamber's Kaskets. We are pleased to say that we received enough money to finish the 5 caskets that we had already started. This could not have been achieved without their help. I spoke with the director of the Desert Club and she told me how it touched her heart to see our application come through. She also lost a son about 20 years ago . He was 11 years old and was hit by a car while on his bicycle. I'm finding that there are so many who have gone through this devastation, people you would never even think of. We all have our own story.

So when we got a call on Saturday about this special boy we were heartbroken for this family, but so grateful that we could finally donate to someone that needs it. I feel that this little boy was to be our first donation. Everything worked out just perfect. We had time to finish the casket, the little boy even has my husbands name, and they lived right across power from where we lost Kamber. We have friends that know this family personally and our in laws have friends in their ward that are good friends with this family. Everything seemed to come together without any hiccups or flaws.

I of course wish with all my heart that those who have come to me before this that I could have had a casket to provide for their loved ones. I think it will forever be heavy on my heart that we couldn't help before now. Even now as we were able to help this family we are finding out how emotional it is for us. Emotions come flooding back, feelings sink deep into our hearts as we hear of these sweet children that pass on. I can't explain our true feelings, but it does feel good to know that we can help and we hope that in helping others it will help to heal our heavy hearts.

So a Big Thank You to all who have helped us get to this point. We couldn't have done it without you!

Sometimes...

Sometimes you have days like Sunday 2 weeks ago and just fall to your knees, shaking and crying. Pleading with your Heavenly Father to take away the pain and the loss.
And then you have days like today when you remember the early stages of grief and remember how special those days were when your testimony of your Heavenly Fathers was strengthened during the most horrible time in your life. It's a day you can see clearly and know even though she is gone what a blessing is was to have her then and now.

Gotta Have It!

Ever year Ethan gets one of these for Valentines Day from me! Ethan seems to love it and so do I!

So yummy!:) Love You Ethan!

Happy Birthday SweetHeart!

Here is Kamber at her 1 year birthday. That day seems so long ago and yet I can remember it like yesterday. I remember getting her the cutest outfit and taking it off before she ate her cupcake so she wouldn't get it all dirty. I did a Valentines themed party with red hearts every where to show our love for her. It just seemed to fit that year. I love looking back on pictures we of have of our sweet girl and to think of all the fun memories we have of her. She truly did bless our lives in her short 2 1/2 years and in so many ways continues to bless our lives almost 3 years later.

This birthday would be a big one for her. Kamber would be turning 5 this year and going to school in the fall. It just blows my mind. What I wouldn't give to know what she would look like at this age. I'm sure she would be darling! This year her birthday seems to be a little harder on us, maybe because of the milestone the # 5 seems to be in our lives. It feels kind of ironic that this is the year that we chose to scale back on the birthday festivities. NO big party, just small and sweet. It just feels like what we are to do for this year, so that's what it is. We continue to be grateful to have Kamber a part of our Eternal Family and to be able to say She is Ours!

Happy Birthday my sweet little girl. I know you are close by today! Love You!

It is so Fun having aTwo year old in the House!

After Kamber passed away our house was soooo quiet. The laughter and excitement that Kamber created was gone. I think a lot of that had to do with Kamber's age. I love it when my kids are 2 years old. They are so funny and vibrant. Everything is so dramatic and over the top.

Brookie has surpassed Kamber's age by a few months and is now getting closer to 3 than 2, but she is still a bundle of joy. The laughter and excitement is in our home again and sometimes I love just sitting back and listening.

This picture above is one of Brookie's favorite things to do. She has surround sound headphones on and is watching How To Train Your Dragon on the DVD player in Ethan's office. She has become addicted to that movie and I have to admit it is one of my favorites too!

Brookie loves yogurt and this time I wonder if she got any in her mouth. To have a face like that, it must have been really good!

Here is a picture Ethan took of Brookie. She like Kamber loves to wear other people's shoes and on this day she choose daddy's flip flops and helped herself to a cupcake.

We love this age and sad that soon it will pass with our Brookie girl, but I know there are many more things she will do that will be so fun as she grows up. We have learned that from Tayler and Kylie. Our girls make us so Happy!

Frustrated!

Where do I begin? Life can be so crazy and hectic sometimes. I know as a mom I sometimes feel like I never get a break. I hear my name all day long, I drive kids all over most days, there is always something to be at or doing, there are always things I could be doing better. I know there are many times I just fall short. But then I hear of all the sadness in the world and I am glad to be right where I am at.

About a year ago we started our non-profit Kamber's Kaskets. This came after a lot of thought and prayer. Then M.I.S.S Foundation offered for us to team up with them. We are separate nonprofits with the same purpose. If you haven't lost a child there is good chance you haven't heard of them. They support families after the loss of a child. I actually got a folder with their information when I left the hospital without my Kamber. They do everything from helping with the funeral costs to therapy and camps for siblings who have lost a brother or sister. It is a great foundation that was started by a mother here in Arizona and it is now international.

I posted a year ago about the 5 caskets that we had started. These were funded by ourselves and then we have received a few hundred dollars at the beginning which helped with some of the costs. I don't know if it is the economy or what, but we still have not been able to raise enough money to fully finish even one of the caskets. Our cost to build one of these beautiful caskets is close to the cost of buying one of the white caskets from the funeral home. I don't want to offend anyone who has had to buy one of these for you children, but these caskets at the funeral home are disappointing. You would think that a casket for a child would be the most beautiful. It saddens be to see what most of us have to bury our children in. That is why we started our nonprofit and what a blessing it would be to have one donated when we are blindsided with the loss of a child and the cost of funeral expenses.

Since a year ago I have had about 6 people contact me looking to see if we could donate. That is one every two months and is only from people that read my blog. There is a great need! I have heard of many more instances that I wanted desperately to contribute to but couldn't. It literally rips into my heart each time I have to turn someone down. And one of those days was Wednesday of this week.

I'm not asking for my readers to donate money. But I am asking for you to keep us on your mind. Talk about Kamber's Kaskets, maybe someone will hear about us that can help. Maybe someone looking to sponsor a nonprofit will hear of us. If you know of successful fund raising that we could do let us know. We have done a couple boutiques that were to raise money and when it came down to it the people decided not to give the money. So, those make me nervous. I do not want Kamber's name to be used for some one's benefit and own profit. So keep us in mind and hopefully soon we can finish these 5 caskets to be able to help someone in need. Who knows maybe someday we can be helping throughout the country to families during their darkest hour and they will know that they are not alone.

Thanks again for all the love and support that all of my readers have given. You truly have played a positive roll in my life!!!

Visit Kamber's website http://www.kamberskaskets.com/ and the M.I.S.S. Foundation website http://www.misschildren.org/.

Only Boy

I guess this is what happens when you are the only boy among sisters. This made me laugh and realize we really might need to try and add another boy to our home. Sorry Max, but you'll have to wait a while- mommy's not ready yet.

Are You Ready?

I have some updating to do, so I will do my best to keep it short and sweet.
In November soccer ended. The girls had a blast playing and did very well especially with it being their first season.

Tayler scored 3 goals this season and Kylie scored 1. They both really enjoyed the positions they played and Kylie was even told she might be too aggressive for her age group. Kylie was never mean out on the field but she was going to get the ball if it was coming her way. So this season she is playing on a team with boys and girls. Kylie has a boy that is 5'3 and Kylie has no problem going up against him during practice. She loves soccer and now says she wants to be a professional soccer player when she grows up.

Tayler did very well but isn't quite as aggressive but can definitely hold her own. She says soccer was fun but volleyball is what she really wants to do. So this winter season she is playing volleyball and her first game is Saturday. She did a great job at her first practice! She serves over the net and can bump the ball very well. We are excited for her!

Thanksgiving came in a flash. We did dinner at my home with my side of the family. Ethan made an awesome turkey and it was a nice relaxing day. I did make Kamber shirts and with family and friends did the Turkey Trot in the morning. I shaved almost 10 minutes off my time and it was a lot of fun this year!

Before I knew it Christmas Eve was here and I of course was not prepared with presents wrapped. My family comes over on Christmas Eve and we do dinner and they stay the night so they are here when Santa comes. My mom always gives pj's and a toy to the kids on Christmas Eve.

As I was wrapping presents I found a gift bag that was for Kamber on her last Christmas. It broke my heart. Tears welled up in my eyes. Here I am two and a half years later crying over things that we miss with her being gone. I didn't have the heart to use that bag, so I set it aside, sucked it up and even said THIS SUCKS! and continued wrapping gifts reminding myself that she really is still her with us.

Christmas was a good day. I enjoyed my time with all my family. We meet with the Larsen side at about noon on Christmas day and have dinner with them and then head to the cemetery to see our little girl. Believe it or not the cemetery is a beautiful place to be on Christmas. It is what Christmas is all about. What another great reminder of Christ's sacrifice for us. Because of him we get to be with our loved ones again!

Max and Brookie fell asleep in the car so we just let them sleep. It was quite the crazy day for them. Hope everyone had great holidays!

Me and the 4 kids

For the past 2 weeks we have had sickness running through the house. It started with me, then Ethan, Max had something funky with his stomach that I think is finally clearing up and now miss Brookie is getting the snotty nose and cough. My body can't seem to totally kick what I have, but I feel most the way better.

Today is Sunday and better yet it is the Sunday before Christmas. Probably my most favorite Sunday of the whole year. I love the spirit on this particular Sunday. The Sacrament meeting and lessons usually trump any normal Sunday. Well, this time it is Me and the 4 kids off to church by myself. Ethan has a house he is trying to finish before Christmas for a client. It gets done or there is going to be some very unhappy people on his list for the holidays. As I was getting ready for church is was thinking in my head WHY AM I DOING THIS? I don't feel 100%. Brookie has a runny nose and I am sure she doesn't feel 100% and better yet they won't let her into nursery. I knew going into it that it was going to be hard. Off we went to Sacrament and the program was absolutely beautiful. I was loving it and my girls were being good for me! Then Tayler accidentally decapitated Brookie's little Cinderella toy and the tears Broke out. Max and Brookie wanted to be held and nothing was good enough. A friend that sat behind me grabbed Max from me so I could help Brookie. Bishop got up and spoke about why we do nice things for others and why we go to church and follow our Heavenly Father. It was an answer to my question this morning. We do it because we are obedient, because we love our Heavenly Father, we love Jesus Christ, we do it for our children to strengthen them, we do all these things in our life to return to our Heavenly family and to be more like our Savior and Father.

So I am home during Sunday School about to go back to Relief Society trying to calm my younger two kiddos. Normally I would have had it by now but, today I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I feel my Father in Heaven heard my thoughts and knew my doubts about today. He knows my heart and wants me to feel of his love and I have. For some reason he continues to bless me even though I fall short of so many things. I am thankful for this tender mercy today.

Video that touched my heart

I found this video on a friends blog. It touched my heart and I knew I had to share it.

Family Photos- Love Them!

Here is just a sample of our family pictures.

Photos done by photosbytmb.com
Tara Bowman

Thankful

Hi everyone! Here I sit early Thanksgiving morning at my computer. I am up before I wanted to be up for the Turkey Trot run this morning. I haven't wanted to do another post till at least I got Halloween up, but something scary in my dream woke me and as I lay there in bed I had a feeling to come in and do this. I don't really know why, but here I am following this strong feeling. Maybe this is for someone else or maybe just what I need for me. I haven't figured that out yet.

My hands are shaking as I type and tears are so close to the surface. Okay so they are breaking through now. I haven't been this emotional in a long while. I'm going to tell you about this dream or experience early this morning and it does have something to do with Kamber. I hesitate to write because I feel like I have said it all and know it can get replayed like a tried record, but this morning it feels different and feel it is what I am to do.

The Dream: I of course was at a pool with my family and others. It was actually a friends pool and not naming any names. There was an accident with another lifeless child of mine before me. I worked on the child and I was able to get a little response from them that gave me hope.

I suddenly woke, in a panic and a sickness in my stomach. I have felt this feeling before. I just started asking Heavenly Father Why? Why do I have to go through this and on top of it why do these dreams have to reoccu?. That's when I felt I needed to write. Still 2 years and a couple months later I haven't figured out the Why? My heart still breaks in half and I still worry about my other kids being taken from me. I remember with Kamber knowing from the beginning that she wasn't coming back to me. I wasn't going to the hospital to watch them save her, but at the same time I had strong faith that she was and could be saved despite the true knowing inside. I even said that I couldn't live without her and here I sit still breathing and living. Sometimes our prayers are not answered the way we want. Somehow we push through it. So maybe this dream is to remind me what I am thankful for. My family and that Heavenly Father has been there to help me endure through my trials even when I truly thought he had abandoned me and didn't care for me at all. I'm thankful for my faith even though it didn't raise Kamber from the dead, but it is what keeps me living for the future. I am grateful for Eternal Life and to know that I will get to be with my family again. I know that I will hold Kamber in my arms again, my little girl. :) FAMILY is the BEST thing about LIFE!

Kylies Baptism

Kylie was baptized on October 9, 2009 and right after her baptism we blessed Maxton. I was a special day for our family. I am grateful for Kylies testimony and decision to be baptized and to be able to bless Max on the same day. I am thankful for the prieshood and for Ethan being able to preform the ordinances for our children.

Here are some of Kylies baptism pictures.










Pictures were done by Ryan Neville Photography.

Kylie had her Birthday party in September. She wanted to it to be aSpa party for her friends. So we had their hair done with sparkles and their nails painted however the girls wanted. She had a blast getting pampered by her cousin and friends. I can't believe that my Kylie bear is 8 and baptized!
Here are some pictures from the party!