Some News, a Holiday, and a Birthday

Wow the next few days are jam packed with craziness and lots of emotions. In three days time the girls will be out of school, some news will be announced, a birthday there will be and a holiday to celebrate. So where oh where do I start...
The kids have their last day of school today and are they excited! I have to say that in many ways I am too. I enjoy having my kiddos around, especially when we don't have an agenda to run day to day. I'm sure there will be many times I will think I'm going crazy because they are only kids and siblings have to argue and fight from time to time, especially my two older ones that are so close together. 16 months to be exact and can't believe I am doing that all over again. Oops! did I say that out loud? Did you catch that? Yes mam, we are going to have another kiddo. Pregnant again with our last child. Six sounds like a good number to stop at. We weren't expecting to get pregnant so soon but, as we have found out during these last couple of years sometimes Heavenly Father has a different plan for us. Actually after Kamber died I didn't know for positive if I would ever be ready to have another child again. I know this news may hurt some of my friends. My friends that I have had for a while and my new friends that I have got to know through the grief that we share together. You girls know who you are. To you I am so sorry for the hurt that this news may give you. I don't know what it is like to not conceive when I would like to have another child. That hasn't been a trial I have had to bear. I don't know that pain. The only thing that may? remotely be similar is the knowing of not being able to have something you so desperately want in your life. I can feel that hurt and it is awful. So in that I do, I hurt with you. And to those who have lost a child, especially recently, I understand it. I understand not wanting to hear of another pregnancy, not wanting to see another pregnant women and especially another baby. I have been there myself. The pain of that is awful! So I am sorry if there is hurt. I care about all my friends and I hurt when you hurt. I didn't want your feelings to go unnoticed. With that said I have to say that I am happy for this baby to join our family. My kids and husband are so happy. We have already had a scare reminding us how fast a life can be taken whether in the womb or not. I am almost 13 weeks so that puts my baby coming around Thanksgiving. If I could have planned this pregnancy I wouldn't be going through the summer again, but here we are. And yes I am already showing which is why I thought I should let the cat out of the bag. I can no longer hide it. My body is remembering all to well what to do since it wasn't all that long ago we did this.

Memorial Day is on its way. This is another holiday that part of me dreads. Every Memorial Day Sunday we head down to the cemetery to clean the graves of family members that have past away on my husbands side. It puts a new spin on this trip when one of your own children is put on the list of members to visit. We start at the front of the Mesa Cemetery and end in the back with our Kamber. As I reflect of this day I automatically think of the events of Kamber's death and the impact for good and bad that it has had on our family. Today I was reminded of the Sunday after we buried Kamber. We went to the hospital to bless my nephew Gunner who was born the day we buried Kamber. Annie and Spencer were to head back to Colorado because the Football season was starting and Spencer had to get back to training camp with the Broncos. As we waited for the rest of the family to arrive one of Annie's sisters walked in with her kids. Her little girl was dressed in the exact dress that we put Kamber in days before we dressed her for the funeral and burial. I think my mouth dropped wide open. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Her hair was even flipped out just as I had done to Kamber's hair. You would think I would have cried, but I didn't. Instead I had an overwhelming feeling that Kamber was there. A very tender mercy to show she was there. I had forgotten about that moment and why it came to my mind today I don't really know for sure. But I know that Kamber is mindful of us, even almost 3 years later. She knows when harder times are coming our way and she is there.

The next big thing is Monday on Memorial Day my Tayler is turning 10. Oh my, she is growing up so fast. She is a beautiful girl inside and out. We will have her party on Saturday and of course she wants to swim, so that is what we will do. This weekend is BIG. Lots to be happy for, lots to be grateful for, and lots of fun. I hope the same for you!!!

Take A Picture

There are many times I can't find my phone. Not because I misplaced it, but because my kids get a hold of it. They have one thing they really enjoy doing. My phone is loaded with these and a lot of times I just have to laugh.

There are pictures that are more crazy than these, but I want my girls to still like me after they see this post. Oh, an I warned them that if they take my phone without asking and this is what I find, then this is what happens. Which it is funny seeing these pictures, but 30 of them it quite a bit. Love my girls!

What do we do?

A few weeks ago I took Brookie to Cardon Children's Medical Center to have some testing done. She's had some really bad bladder infections and quite often. This last one was a sure doozy and we had quite the run around trying to get her taken care of. She was soooo sick and of course it was the weekend so her primary doctor wasn't able to help us out. Anyways, we were told to have a renal ultrasound and a VCUG done. So off to the hospital we went to look at Brookie's bladder and kidneys. Reflux from the kidneys runs in our family on both sides, so chances of Brookie having the same problem was very high.

Brookie was all smiles as she got ready for her testing not knowing the pain that was soon to follow. She got a princess gown, bright yellow socks and matching bracelets for herself and Pink her bunny. She melted the nurses hearts with her sweet personality and big smile.

Here we are walking to the procedure room with Dora book in hand. Time for the hard part and so glad it will be over soon..

VCUG's are painful and young kids have a hard time doing their part to make the testing work, so sad to say Brookie had to get it done twice. I watched through a window with tears in my eyes as she cried for me. There was nothing I could do for her and it broke my heart.

We had a doctor visit today and found out the chances for surgery are high. We will be doing a lot of praying over the next few weeks to figure out what is best for our Brookie bear.

Easter Time!

April is a beautiful month. I absolutely love the weather and seeing all the beautiful plants and flowers in bloom. This month brings a lot of good memories and at one time in my life it brought sad memories too. It has taken me quite a few years to enjoy this month again, but one thing has always remained, this month brings a humble heart. 16 years ago on April 20th, exactly one month from my mom and dads anniversary my dad passed away from a brain tumor. He was diagnosed 6 years before that and we did everything possible to save my dads life. Surgery was done, medication was taken, fasting and prayers were always being said. I saw many scary times in my life, times I was sure it was the end for my dad. But miracles were given to our family during these 6 years that I will never forget. Love was poured onto our family from our Heavenly Father and yes the brain tumor that was removed six years before came back and eventually took my dad's life.

Now 16 years later instead of focusing on all that was lost during the month of April, I focus on the blessings that were given, the happiness my dad brought, and the lessons that we have learned, at least hope I have learned. My healing came long before this 16 year mark, but there are times I think of what I wouldn't give to have my dad here to have a relationship with. What I wouldn't give to have him here with my kids. I know he would be so proud and absolutely love them. It is such a blessing to have a father in your life and better yet to have a relationship with them. I know my husband and my dad would get along really well. Matter of fact Ethan reminds me in many ways of my dad. The things they like are very similar. It would be so fun to see and watch. That day will come because of Easter.


Another special person I think of during this time of year is my sweet Kamber. This picture is our last Easter with her and one of my favorite pictures. Again I am humble to have this special spirit in our family. She has come to pave the way for our family. The bar is set high and I know that some how we will acheive it.


Here are my girls on that last Easter Sunday after church. I thought they were so cute and pictures had to be taken. Three special kiddos.

So as the Easter bunny did make it to our house so did the true spirit of Easter. I use to think that the atonment was just for sin and that Jesus died only for our sins. But through our trials I have come to know that it is for our heartache too. He felt our pain and sorrow. I know he lives. He lives for me and my family so we will be reunited again never to be apart, never to have sorrow or pain of death... He lives!


Easter dresses and a suit for my little man! :)

Happy Birthday To My Man!

Happy Birthday Ethan! It's the Big 30 and all down hill from here.:) I tried to do a party for the man that doesn't like any parties. I actually got him to agree to a party, so shocked. I tried, I really did, but things didn't work out and he is actually sick today. What a way to celebrate your birthday, huh! We will make up for it when he feels better! I Love You Ethan!

This is how he rides!

In the shopping cart that is... Gotta be able to see all of what is going on! I just love him.:)

Another Birthday!!!

We have a Birthday today! Brookie turns 3 today and I can't believe it. Actually I can, to me she is growing us so slowly; which I am loving by the way. With Kamber gone it makes a huge gap between Kylie and Brookie, 5 1/2 years to be exact. Maybe that is why it feels like she should be older than she is, to fill that huge hole left there by Kamber's passing.

Anyways I am so grateful to have my Brookie bear. She has the sweetest heart and quite the fiery personality. Brookie probably tells me 20 times a day that she loves me, no joke! I love those words, I cherish those words. Really, Really I do. So Happy Birthday my lovable not so much a baby anymore, baby girl. I Love You!

Here is Dora today at our house. AKA Brookie Larsen:) She loves Dora!

Trying to hold up 3 fingers, smile and look at the camera at the same time is hard for a 3 year old.

Our First

Today is a very bitter sweet day for us. Our first casket was donated today for a little 7 year old boy. Our hearts and prayers go out to the Ellsworth family.

This is how it all came to be:

If you remember I posted a while ago about our nonprofit. I expressed my frustration about not being able to raise enough money to finish even one casket. From that post we receive 2 donations. They were not large amounts of money, but they were very much appreciated and any amount is wonderful and more than we had before. I then received a tip from a friend of mine that has also lost a child. She steered me towards the Desert Club. This women's club does the Christmas Idea House each year around Christmas time. Maybe you have heard of them? They usually find a mansion and move the family out for a week and transform the home into a Christmas Wonderland. They are able to raise money this way and they do a wonderful job. They also give grants for nonprofits and scholarships to High School graduates. I was told to hurry and send in an application and give it a try for a grant. About a month later we got the phone call that we were chosen and that we need to come to the awards ceremony to receive our donation and talk about Kamber's Kaskets. We are pleased to say that we received enough money to finish the 5 caskets that we had already started. This could not have been achieved without their help. I spoke with the director of the Desert Club and she told me how it touched her heart to see our application come through. She also lost a son about 20 years ago . He was 11 years old and was hit by a car while on his bicycle. I'm finding that there are so many who have gone through this devastation, people you would never even think of. We all have our own story.

So when we got a call on Saturday about this special boy we were heartbroken for this family, but so grateful that we could finally donate to someone that needs it. I feel that this little boy was to be our first donation. Everything worked out just perfect. We had time to finish the casket, the little boy even has my husbands name, and they lived right across power from where we lost Kamber. We have friends that know this family personally and our in laws have friends in their ward that are good friends with this family. Everything seemed to come together without any hiccups or flaws.

I of course wish with all my heart that those who have come to me before this that I could have had a casket to provide for their loved ones. I think it will forever be heavy on my heart that we couldn't help before now. Even now as we were able to help this family we are finding out how emotional it is for us. Emotions come flooding back, feelings sink deep into our hearts as we hear of these sweet children that pass on. I can't explain our true feelings, but it does feel good to know that we can help and we hope that in helping others it will help to heal our heavy hearts.

So a Big Thank You to all who have helped us get to this point. We couldn't have done it without you!

Sometimes...

Sometimes you have days like Sunday 2 weeks ago and just fall to your knees, shaking and crying. Pleading with your Heavenly Father to take away the pain and the loss.
And then you have days like today when you remember the early stages of grief and remember how special those days were when your testimony of your Heavenly Fathers was strengthened during the most horrible time in your life. It's a day you can see clearly and know even though she is gone what a blessing is was to have her then and now.

Gotta Have It!

Ever year Ethan gets one of these for Valentines Day from me! Ethan seems to love it and so do I!

So yummy!:) Love You Ethan!

Happy Birthday SweetHeart!

Here is Kamber at her 1 year birthday. That day seems so long ago and yet I can remember it like yesterday. I remember getting her the cutest outfit and taking it off before she ate her cupcake so she wouldn't get it all dirty. I did a Valentines themed party with red hearts every where to show our love for her. It just seemed to fit that year. I love looking back on pictures we of have of our sweet girl and to think of all the fun memories we have of her. She truly did bless our lives in her short 2 1/2 years and in so many ways continues to bless our lives almost 3 years later.

This birthday would be a big one for her. Kamber would be turning 5 this year and going to school in the fall. It just blows my mind. What I wouldn't give to know what she would look like at this age. I'm sure she would be darling! This year her birthday seems to be a little harder on us, maybe because of the milestone the # 5 seems to be in our lives. It feels kind of ironic that this is the year that we chose to scale back on the birthday festivities. NO big party, just small and sweet. It just feels like what we are to do for this year, so that's what it is. We continue to be grateful to have Kamber a part of our Eternal Family and to be able to say She is Ours!

Happy Birthday my sweet little girl. I know you are close by today! Love You!

It is so Fun having aTwo year old in the House!

After Kamber passed away our house was soooo quiet. The laughter and excitement that Kamber created was gone. I think a lot of that had to do with Kamber's age. I love it when my kids are 2 years old. They are so funny and vibrant. Everything is so dramatic and over the top.

Brookie has surpassed Kamber's age by a few months and is now getting closer to 3 than 2, but she is still a bundle of joy. The laughter and excitement is in our home again and sometimes I love just sitting back and listening.

This picture above is one of Brookie's favorite things to do. She has surround sound headphones on and is watching How To Train Your Dragon on the DVD player in Ethan's office. She has become addicted to that movie and I have to admit it is one of my favorites too!

Brookie loves yogurt and this time I wonder if she got any in her mouth. To have a face like that, it must have been really good!

Here is a picture Ethan took of Brookie. She like Kamber loves to wear other people's shoes and on this day she choose daddy's flip flops and helped herself to a cupcake.

We love this age and sad that soon it will pass with our Brookie girl, but I know there are many more things she will do that will be so fun as she grows up. We have learned that from Tayler and Kylie. Our girls make us so Happy!

Frustrated!

Where do I begin? Life can be so crazy and hectic sometimes. I know as a mom I sometimes feel like I never get a break. I hear my name all day long, I drive kids all over most days, there is always something to be at or doing, there are always things I could be doing better. I know there are many times I just fall short. But then I hear of all the sadness in the world and I am glad to be right where I am at.

About a year ago we started our non-profit Kamber's Kaskets. This came after a lot of thought and prayer. Then M.I.S.S Foundation offered for us to team up with them. We are separate nonprofits with the same purpose. If you haven't lost a child there is good chance you haven't heard of them. They support families after the loss of a child. I actually got a folder with their information when I left the hospital without my Kamber. They do everything from helping with the funeral costs to therapy and camps for siblings who have lost a brother or sister. It is a great foundation that was started by a mother here in Arizona and it is now international.

I posted a year ago about the 5 caskets that we had started. These were funded by ourselves and then we have received a few hundred dollars at the beginning which helped with some of the costs. I don't know if it is the economy or what, but we still have not been able to raise enough money to fully finish even one of the caskets. Our cost to build one of these beautiful caskets is close to the cost of buying one of the white caskets from the funeral home. I don't want to offend anyone who has had to buy one of these for you children, but these caskets at the funeral home are disappointing. You would think that a casket for a child would be the most beautiful. It saddens be to see what most of us have to bury our children in. That is why we started our nonprofit and what a blessing it would be to have one donated when we are blindsided with the loss of a child and the cost of funeral expenses.

Since a year ago I have had about 6 people contact me looking to see if we could donate. That is one every two months and is only from people that read my blog. There is a great need! I have heard of many more instances that I wanted desperately to contribute to but couldn't. It literally rips into my heart each time I have to turn someone down. And one of those days was Wednesday of this week.

I'm not asking for my readers to donate money. But I am asking for you to keep us on your mind. Talk about Kamber's Kaskets, maybe someone will hear about us that can help. Maybe someone looking to sponsor a nonprofit will hear of us. If you know of successful fund raising that we could do let us know. We have done a couple boutiques that were to raise money and when it came down to it the people decided not to give the money. So, those make me nervous. I do not want Kamber's name to be used for some one's benefit and own profit. So keep us in mind and hopefully soon we can finish these 5 caskets to be able to help someone in need. Who knows maybe someday we can be helping throughout the country to families during their darkest hour and they will know that they are not alone.

Thanks again for all the love and support that all of my readers have given. You truly have played a positive roll in my life!!!

Visit Kamber's website http://www.kamberskaskets.com/ and the M.I.S.S. Foundation website http://www.misschildren.org/.

Only Boy

I guess this is what happens when you are the only boy among sisters. This made me laugh and realize we really might need to try and add another boy to our home. Sorry Max, but you'll have to wait a while- mommy's not ready yet.

Are You Ready?

I have some updating to do, so I will do my best to keep it short and sweet.
In November soccer ended. The girls had a blast playing and did very well especially with it being their first season.

Tayler scored 3 goals this season and Kylie scored 1. They both really enjoyed the positions they played and Kylie was even told she might be too aggressive for her age group. Kylie was never mean out on the field but she was going to get the ball if it was coming her way. So this season she is playing on a team with boys and girls. Kylie has a boy that is 5'3 and Kylie has no problem going up against him during practice. She loves soccer and now says she wants to be a professional soccer player when she grows up.

Tayler did very well but isn't quite as aggressive but can definitely hold her own. She says soccer was fun but volleyball is what she really wants to do. So this winter season she is playing volleyball and her first game is Saturday. She did a great job at her first practice! She serves over the net and can bump the ball very well. We are excited for her!

Thanksgiving came in a flash. We did dinner at my home with my side of the family. Ethan made an awesome turkey and it was a nice relaxing day. I did make Kamber shirts and with family and friends did the Turkey Trot in the morning. I shaved almost 10 minutes off my time and it was a lot of fun this year!

Before I knew it Christmas Eve was here and I of course was not prepared with presents wrapped. My family comes over on Christmas Eve and we do dinner and they stay the night so they are here when Santa comes. My mom always gives pj's and a toy to the kids on Christmas Eve.

As I was wrapping presents I found a gift bag that was for Kamber on her last Christmas. It broke my heart. Tears welled up in my eyes. Here I am two and a half years later crying over things that we miss with her being gone. I didn't have the heart to use that bag, so I set it aside, sucked it up and even said THIS SUCKS! and continued wrapping gifts reminding myself that she really is still her with us.

Christmas was a good day. I enjoyed my time with all my family. We meet with the Larsen side at about noon on Christmas day and have dinner with them and then head to the cemetery to see our little girl. Believe it or not the cemetery is a beautiful place to be on Christmas. It is what Christmas is all about. What another great reminder of Christ's sacrifice for us. Because of him we get to be with our loved ones again!

Max and Brookie fell asleep in the car so we just let them sleep. It was quite the crazy day for them. Hope everyone had great holidays!

Me and the 4 kids

For the past 2 weeks we have had sickness running through the house. It started with me, then Ethan, Max had something funky with his stomach that I think is finally clearing up and now miss Brookie is getting the snotty nose and cough. My body can't seem to totally kick what I have, but I feel most the way better.

Today is Sunday and better yet it is the Sunday before Christmas. Probably my most favorite Sunday of the whole year. I love the spirit on this particular Sunday. The Sacrament meeting and lessons usually trump any normal Sunday. Well, this time it is Me and the 4 kids off to church by myself. Ethan has a house he is trying to finish before Christmas for a client. It gets done or there is going to be some very unhappy people on his list for the holidays. As I was getting ready for church is was thinking in my head WHY AM I DOING THIS? I don't feel 100%. Brookie has a runny nose and I am sure she doesn't feel 100% and better yet they won't let her into nursery. I knew going into it that it was going to be hard. Off we went to Sacrament and the program was absolutely beautiful. I was loving it and my girls were being good for me! Then Tayler accidentally decapitated Brookie's little Cinderella toy and the tears Broke out. Max and Brookie wanted to be held and nothing was good enough. A friend that sat behind me grabbed Max from me so I could help Brookie. Bishop got up and spoke about why we do nice things for others and why we go to church and follow our Heavenly Father. It was an answer to my question this morning. We do it because we are obedient, because we love our Heavenly Father, we love Jesus Christ, we do it for our children to strengthen them, we do all these things in our life to return to our Heavenly family and to be more like our Savior and Father.

So I am home during Sunday School about to go back to Relief Society trying to calm my younger two kiddos. Normally I would have had it by now but, today I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I feel my Father in Heaven heard my thoughts and knew my doubts about today. He knows my heart and wants me to feel of his love and I have. For some reason he continues to bless me even though I fall short of so many things. I am thankful for this tender mercy today.

Video that touched my heart

I found this video on a friends blog. It touched my heart and I knew I had to share it.

Family Photos- Love Them!

Here is just a sample of our family pictures.

Photos done by photosbytmb.com
Tara Bowman