Kamber's Birthday is Coming

Kamber's birthday is in 10 days. I can't believe how fast time is flying by. My little girl would be 4 yrs. old this year. I can't believe it! I have tried to picture what she would look like now, but I can't. I wonder what she would be saying now, but I can't. I still picture her as my little 2 1/2 yr. old blond haired girl. I often wonder what life would be like now taking her to preschool and seeing all the new things she would be learning. It would be fun to watch her play with Brookie and would she understand that she would be a big sister again?

Time ticks by before we know it and I am planning another party for my child who is not here. But it will be a day filled with memories of her and happiness for the time we spent with her. We will do the same things as last year, which I think made it a happy day for all. Anyone that would like is invited to come, just send me a comment so I can plan on you!

Maybe you were wondering?

I finally had my doctors appointment last Monday. I had been waiting a long time for it. I was excited to go and find out how my baby was doing. I got checked in and filled out the paper work that you always have to do with a new pregnancy. My hubby came with me and I was grateful for that. As I was waiting I started getting really nervous. I told my husband that if they didn't call me back soon that I was going to leave, the anxiety was building. Next thing I knew I burst into tears. Emotions that I didn't expect came on too fast of pace for me to control them and it seemed like the more I tried, the more I cried. I told Ethan that I don't think I could do this. How could I bring another child into this world and feel that joy when I have lost one? Maybe I can't handle four kids and now I am doing it again. The struggle within me was coming out. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I guess there is still guilt along with grief. I will be grateful for the day that I don't have spouts of the overwhelming guilt and grief.

Anyways people were looking and probably thinking I'm just one of those emotional pregnant
women, which I guess I am. Nurses wanted to know what was going on. My doctor understood because he came to Kamber's viewing. He reassured me I wasn't crazy and I get to go back on meds! The meds seem to help with some of the anxiety. Since I wasn't quite sure how far along I was we scheduled for an ultrasound 2 days later.

We went to the ultrasound with no problems this time. I was able to go in and just enjoy seeing my baby kicking around. Everything looked great and I am 12 weeks pregnant! My husband asked the nurse to just check and see if she had an idea of the sex of the baby. She told us that all babies this early normally look like boys but depending on the angle of the nub and other little factors it can give an indication if the nub will disappear. To her it looks like this one is going to be.......... a boy! Don't get to excited, it can change and if that is the case we will be happy anyway. We are just grateful for the children that we have. Anyways... I will continue to keep you posted on how things are going!

How's Your Faith?

Life will always bring different challenges. Sometimes we go through a period that we just seem to soar through life and things are great. At these times it is easy for our faith in Christ to be strong and never ending. How is your faith ? when times are different than what you want them to be. I have always considered my faith to be strong, even in tough times. I feel that I have been able to press forward through the thick and the thin. I have to admit that over the past year and a half I have noticed that I second guess myself and Heavenly Father from time to time. I guess my confidence that Christ knows best is lacking a bit. I hear Ethan say from time to time, How is your Faith? This is one thing I thought that I had him beat on in the spiritual department.

We have some things to think about and things that we are praying for. I am trying really hard to let my faith in Christ take over and know that he knows whats best for us. So as I was sitting this morning thinking about my prayers the thought came to me, How's your faith? I quickly realized that my lack of confidence isn't so much in Christ, but in myself. Will I recognize that answer to our prayers and accept what is to be? I hope I can and become stronger because of it.

Gotta Watch!

I love, love, love this song. Be ready for tears, but well worth it!!!

I hope you feel the sweet spirit of this song. It gives me strength to endure when times are hard. Such a simple reminder to turn to our Heavenly Father and know we can make it through anything.

Remember to pause my music on my blog before watching.

Christmas, to see Kamber

Christmas this year was wonderful. We had a simple Christmas and I loved the spirit of that day. We of course went to visit Kamber's grave and set some decorations. I really enjoyed being at the cemetery this year. There is a special spirit at the cemetery on Christmas, a feeling so different then the other times I go. It hits your heart as you pull in and see all the people that are also there to visit their loved ones graves. The cemetery is decked out with wreaths and red and green everywhere. It is a beautiful site to see. This Christmas there was absolute peace. We cleaned her beautiful headstone and added decorations just for her, perfect. I was glad I didn't feel an overwhelming sadness and could just be at peace on this special day.

We continue to miss Kamber everyday. She is on our minds and always in our hearts. We are excited for this new baby to come, but it doesn't fill the hole in our hearts that Kamber left. We continue to be grateful for our blessings and know that we wouldn't survive without the love of our Heavenly Father.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas season and New Year!

Merry Christmas!

We got a special gift from Kamber this year!
We are having another little baby Girl or Boy!

The month I am due is not known yet, but I will keep you all updated.

It is exciting that Kamber already knows who is coming to our family. It would be fun to know all the things she is telling the little one. Kamber will be there to send this special child to our home and there to welcome them home, when that time comes. We feel very blessed to have this new child and blessed to have Kamber on the other side. Our hearts are full this Christmas and we are so very thankful for our family.

Merry Christmas everyone! Love the Larsen's

Bad Prayer

I love my Kylie. She has such a tender heart. The other night she came into my room just sobbing. All I heard come out of her mouth was "I said a bad prayer" and some other mumbling. I took her by the hand and had her sit on my bed to try and calm her down. She finally calmed down enough that I could understand her. She told me how she had said a bad prayer and that she didn't know if Heavenly Father heard her second prayer that was good. She was missing Kamber and had prayed that we all could die so we could live in heaven with Kamber. She started crying hysterically again when she told me that she really didn't want us to die, but that she just wants to be with Kamber. My heart broke as I held her close wishing I could take away her pain and explained that Heavenly Father was not going to take us away that night. He doesn't just take people away just for fun. I said a prayer with Kylie that night talking to Heavenly Father about how sad we are that Kamber is gone and that we know that we will be with her again. Kylie seemed to feel better after that and we went into her room where I laid by her side till she fell asleep.

The innocence of a child is so sweet. I love Kylie and I am so grateful that Kylie knows that she can talk to her Heavenly Father about how she feels and that if it is a bad prayer that she came come to mommy and I will do my best to make it better.

Just A Reminder

I was out today running some errands. I was about 3 miles from my house when a little incident happened that bothered me and I wanted to put a little reminder out there for everyone.

All around my home there happens to be many fire stations. We have a couple of the Mesa Fire Stations and Rural Metro is just up the street. I have grown quit fond of the Firemen, probably not for the same reason that you may be. (Though I will admit lots of Firemen are good looking.) It is just that firemen have been in my life for way to long. It seemed routine to have them at my home when I was little do to my dad having seizures. I was always so grateful when they arrived because I knew they would help my family. Second, my gratitude for them came when they came to the rescue of Kamber. They tried with all their might to save her. We could see it in their eyes that it was also an emotional call for them. We have kept in some contact with them, but try not to be around to much as to not be a constant reminder of a very hard day for them. We had heard that tears were shed over the loss of Kamber and one of the Firemen couldn't return to work to finish his shift. My heart continues to go out to these men and prayers are said in their behalf still.

So now on to the incident today that bothered me so much. As I was driving down Power Road towards my house Rural Metro was coming in the opposite direction from me with Lights and Sirens going. Behind them was the ambulance with lights and sirens going also. It was evident that they were in a hurry. I quickly pulled to the side and watched as not one other car pulled to the side or even stopped. I couldn't believe what I was seeing as the Firetruck and Ambulance had to come to a stop in the middle lane to try and go around people. I was so bothered by this, knowing what it is like to be on the other end of the 911 call. You are panicked and so desperately wanting to hear the sound of those sirens to know that help is on it's way. When it is you that is waiting for help it feels like an eternity when maybe only minutes have passed. Minutes are precious when something is bad enough that you call 911 and the Firemen feel it is necessary to run the lights and sirens. So next time you see the lights or hear the sirens make sure you move to the side whether you think you need to or not because you still could be in the way of someone else trying to get out of the way. There is always someone on the other end of the line waiting for help.

BOUTIQUE AND CHRISTMAS PARTY ARE OVER/ NEW ASSIGNMENT FOR THIS WEEK

Yesterday was a day full of stress. I had the last boutique/charity for Kamber for the year. I also had our ward Christmas party that evening that I was in charge of. On top of all that I was speaking in the program for the party. By the time the party was to start that night I was breaking out into hives on my neck and I was shaking uncontrollably. I actually didn't feel nervous to speak, I was just so stressed from everything I had to get done that day. Actually the whole week leading up to yesterday just was crazy. I am just soooo happy that is all done and over with.

I just found out that I am released from that calling in my ward and have been given another calling. It hasn't been announced yet so you will just have to wait to find out what that calling is.

My new assignment for this week is to get a pay pal account set up for the Kamber's Kaskets. We had a fairly good amount of donations from the boutique, almost enough to finish one casket. Many others want to donate and have asked about an account. Since I know that people are interested in helping that is the next step, so look for it on the blog by the end of the week if you are interested in donating!

The Caskets of Love, They're coming along

I know that this might be something hard for some of you to see, but this is a true reality. Here are some of the caskets partially finished. They are coming along and sad to say someday they will have to be used. I hate that this is part of some people reality but I am also grateful that we can help someone out during their time of need. I am grateful to have Kamber be apart of this special-tender Charity. Something good to come from Kamber's tragedy.

One of My Favorites!

My mother-in law had this picture of Kamber on her blog today. I saw it and smiled, but had a little ping in my heart. Oh, how much I love and miss this sweet little girl. I had to post the picture because it is one of my favorites! I love you Kamber! :)

Winter Boutique/Kamber's Kaskets

The Winter Boutique and Kamber's charity was yesterday. It was a cold rainy day, but the show must go on. Actually I really enjoyed the weather and rain, I just wish it didn't rain as much as it did. It put a little damper on the fact that the boutique was outside. I was amazed at the amount of people that came out despite of the weather. We raised very little money, but it was fun none the less.

I was surprised how emotional I was. I should have know the emotions were coming, since I kept myself extremely busy last week. I had one focus and my mind wouldn't deviate from it. That is usually how I get before the water works start. I had my sister change my hair color to a dark brown and when it turned out darker than I anticipated, it put me on edge. (This is another sign that I am hiding from my emotions, I try to change myself on the outside in hopes to make me feel good on the inside. I am sure my sister and sister in law are ready to beat me.) Anyways, that night I cried because I felt I didn't look like Kamber's mom anymore and how out of wack my life still is even a year after my daughters death. I didn't cry at the boutique, it wasn't a safe place for my emotions, but they were right at the surface, till my friends and family came. They were my saving grace.

My new hair do!

My friend Crystal that was putting on the boutique was put into the hospital last Sunday. She is pregnant and not due till January, but she went into active labor and none of the medications any of the doctors were giving her were stopping the labor, so she was admitted. Crystal has been my friend since 9th grade. We have always been pretty much tied at the hip. I knew that her going into labor so early was very dangerous for her baby and I did not want our charity to benefit one of my friends. Crystal is doing much better and will more than likely be able to go home on Tuesday, but she will have to stay down.

Here is a picture of Crystal and her husband a year ago.

Needless to say... the boutique went on and very well given the circumstances. I cried Friday night and fought back all my emotions on Saturday till my family and friends arrived. Thank goodness for family and friends, what would be do without them in our lives?

Our Kamber table looked so pretty and I was so impressed with everyone else at the boutique. There are some seriously talented women. I just wish one of them was me. :)

Here are some pictures at the boutique!

Thanks to all that participated.

Kamber Larsen

( To read her story, double click to enlarge.)

This weekend is the boutique that is going to help raise money for Kamber's charity. Ethan has already started making caskets from wood that we already have in the garage. I have to say that these little caskets are looking beautiful. That is kind of sad to say when you are talking about a casket that a little child will have to be laid to rest in. It is the inevitable, children do die. I am just so grateful to be able to help others out. Hopefully those that will have to use our caskets will really know that each one is made with sincere love.

After going through this trail it has brought out a love that I never knew existed. It is a pure love for others, especially for those who have to suffer. I would do anything to be able to save families from ever having to go through this same trial in life. I wish I could protect every one. I wish I could have protected my girls from this, but that isn't how our life was meant to be. Now it is up to Ethan and I to stand up and teach our girls how to endure. I hope we can be an example of how to love others, especially those in need.

Thanks Crystal and Melissa for your love and help!

We Use To Have Four...

I went to Kohl's tonight to get some things and took my wild girls. Actually they were pretty good for me. They all got a long with each other and I love hearing them laugh and play together. As we were checking out the cute girl at the register made the comment that we have 3 girls and how cute they were. I just said thanks and smiled. Before I knew it Kylie blurts out "We used to have four." It didn't bother me that she said that because that is usually her response, but tonight it went even farther. The young girl was taken back by Kylie's response and in a questioning voice said " Use to have four?" Well, you question Kylie and she will give you her story. " Yes, we use to have four but she died. Kamber jumped into the deep end of the pool and drown. Actually it was our spa but, we don't really cry anymore. We use to cry a lot when it first happened. Tayler and I kept wondering when she drowned if Kamber was dead and she was but it is okay now." As Kylie was telling her story I could feel the vice tightening around my heart. I couldn't bring myself to look at the girls face. I'm sure she felt horrible. Her response was "Sorry, that was a bad question." I just told her it was okay and that we are use to the question. A question that I feel will be answered that way for years to come.

Are You Up For It ?!

The Turkey Trot is coming soon! This year I find myself not as motivated to train for it, but I am still planning on doing it this year. I am going to do shirts again this year and I am trying to think of a different design or even a picture for the shirts. Please let me know if you are up for it this year and if you would like a shirt. The price on a shirt may be a little more than last year depending on the design. Hope to see you this year running for Kamber!

Charity: Kamber's Kaskets

Kamber's casket...

Ethan and I have been thinking for a long time of something we could do to give back. Kamber's life was beautiful. She helped bring love and happiness to everyone she met during this life. Now almost a year and a half after her death I have heard over and over again how Kamber has continued to bring happiness, love, and meaning to families lives. She is a beautiful angel that continues to give and influence others lives for the better. We have been impressed to start a charity to help those who may have to experience the tragedy of loosing a child.

We have decided to start Kamber's Kaskets.

Kamber died suddenly in a drowning accident in July 08'. It has been very hard to accept that Kamber was with us only minutes before, happy and healthy and next, her life had been taken. Seeing your child lifeless is horrible and then having to pick out a casket and plan the funeral is also horrific. Ethan decided the next morning after she died that he was going to build her casket. He wanted it to be extra special and made with love. When we went to plan the funeral we were sadly disappointed in the options families had to bury their children. On August 1, 2008 we buried Kamber in the casket made by her daddy filled with forever love.

We will be making child caskets for those who have lost a child in a tragic accident. These caskets will be donated through the mortuaries after hearing of special stories. Since this will be a charity the caskets will be made through donations only. Therefore we do not have the resources to make caskets for just any situation. Any death of a child is tragic and we wish we could help everyone.

Our first charity function will be at the Winter Boutique Nov. 14th, 9-3pm.

October 21, Happy Anniversary!

On Wednesday was mine and Ethan's 9th Anniversary! I can't believe it, we have been married for 9 years. If truth be told, I feel like it has flown by. In my mind I still feel like a newly wed. The past 9 years has been filled with its ups and downs, happy and sad. So much has changed within our little family. We have been so blessed and I am continually thankful to my Heavenly Father for that. I am married to the best man for me!

One of the things that drew me to Ethan when we were dating other than his smokin' hot body and awesome eyes was that he always made me laugh. Many times we would laugh so hard that our mouths would hurt. It didn't matter what kind of day I was having, he could always make me happy. Nine years later he still does that for me. I am grateful to have him in my life every single day, and he continues to make me happy. My life, I can say is a happy one and one of the main reasons it is that way is because of Ethan. I love You Honey!

Oh, If Life Were Easy

Well I think I have made it out of my zombie state, at least that is what I call it. It has taken me 15 months to really realize, I mean every cell in my body to realize that Kamber has really died. Before I of course knew it, but there was still a big part of me hoping it was just a dream that I would eventually wake up from. On the outside I could put on a pretty good show of making things look like I was okay. I smiled when I needed to smile, did the things that I needed to do, and continued with life. All the while feeling absolutely dead inside. No emotion, just so lost.

Oh , if life were easy, that is what would bring true joy, at least that is what I thought. Maybe you have thought that also? When the storm is coming down on us we plead for an easier life, at least I do. I am finally realizing that going through hard things makes us really know what pure joy is. If life were easy we wouldn't know the good from bad. If everything went perfect then how would we really know what happiness was? Through our trials we learn what hell is like and search with every being in our bodies to find the happiness and joy in life. I find we spend this life searching for happiness and there are many times that we get to learn and feel it. It just shows that we are truly sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. He is pure love and joy. We are here learning to be more like him and we want to be with him again. We want that pure love and joy. If life were easy then we wouldn't know where to find happiness and it wouldn't be our ultimate goal for eternal life.

Our Body is a Temple

Lots of things have been going on this week. I have had such intense feelings and emotions that I am trying to work through. I have spent a lot of time looking back on the week of Kamber's death and seen the horrible memories and the most spiritual memories that I can never deny.

I have also found out this week that a friend in my wards baby had died. I was hard to get a hold of since we have changed our phone number and the Relief Society President is the only one who has my new number. I guess they didn't think to ask her or maybe people thought it would hit to close to home for us. Which is true... I felt like I had been punched in the gut when I found out. My friends baby had been born with serious complications and there was always a chance of death, but he was doing well jumping over the hurdles. Last I had heard things were looking good, but that all changed in the matter of a day.

I now grieve along with my friend. Each day that she has endured I remember as clear as yesterday those same days and nights for us. NO family should ever have to endure this. It is what I know hell to be. At the same time there are many times you know heaven is so close, you can feel it, it is almost tangible.

We spoke about how much of a clear understanding you get when your child dies, that we really aren't our bodies. Our selves are our spirits. Our bodies are just the temples that our spirits dwell in for our time here in earth. It is so evident the first time you hold your child after they have passed. You can feel their spirit all around you. You are enveloped in them and their love, but you do not feel them in their body, they are separate. You want to hold them and you cherish that time because that precious body is what you took care of. Their body is what you held close to your body, their body is what you touched and what let you know that they are real, it is what made them yours. They are made of your flesh and blood. Our body is our temple, our temple for our beautiful spirits to dwell while we come to this earth and are loved.

My heart aches today knowing my friend will bury her baby, that sweet little body that she has loved and as I did with my sweet little girl a year ago. This is what is wonderful, their spirits live on forever and we can feel them near and know it is truly them and that one day we really will be together again.

Busy

Well, we all made it through what I think was the flu. It hit every member in our family. Thank goodness it is over because this week was busy. I did hair a couple times this week, had appointments to go to, mutual to teach, and shopping to do. We were going to go to Flagstaff this weekend with some friends, but that didn't work out. Thank goodness or I would have been pulling my hair out!

Hopefully I can relax a little this weekend and take in some encouragement and the spirit from Conference this weekend. That way I can be refreshed and ready for another busy week and months ahead.