It's Been A Roller Coaster

Sometimes life just goes up and down. Sometimes it surges forward and then it slows down. That is a little how I have felt here lately. I feel I have been riding a crazy roller coater for the past little while. Bursting forward and then flying backwards and being jerked from side to side. There are even times I don't even know where I am going because my eyes are closed not wanting to see what is coming next.

School is almost out and summer will be here. I love getting to spend more time with my kids. I do have times that I wish they could be back in school during the summer, but most of the time I really enjoy having them around, though I notice as they are getting older they are not wanting to spend as much time with me, but with their friends. That is okay though I expect that to happen. What do I love about summer? I love getting to sleep in if I want. I love that my girls get to sleep till they are ready to wake up and not be grumpy. I love having days of taking it easy if we want. I love going swimming with them and watching movies during quiet time. I love just having them around!

This weekend Tayler will turn 9. Can you believe that? She is growning up so fast. She is turning into such a big kid, no longer a little girl. I love what a big help she is and her sweet personality. We are just going to have a small little family get together for her, it will be just perfect.

In two weeks we are moving out of our home. With that it brings alot of emotions. In so many ways I am so happy to leave this home. SO many hard emotions are here. We really feel it is what we are to do, but at the same time it is hard to leave the home that Kamber spent the last part of her life in. It is a very complicated feeling and leaves me exhausted. We pray that this is going to be healing for us and most of the time I really feel it will.

We just got home from a little family vacation. It was a lot of fun! We had 3 other families go with us and made for quite an adventure and the kids loved it. I will do a post soon just about our weekend get away! On our way home yesterday we got stuck in traffic on the 93. About maybe 5 minutes ahead of us there was a horrible accident that had happened. Three life flight helicopters were called in, firetrucks,a couple ambulance, and a lot of DPS. We arrived just minutes after it happened so we saw all the rescue workers arriving to help. Not long later we found out that people had died at the scene of the accident. My heart broke and my mood changed for the remainder of the day and it is still affecting me in some ways today. As we were traveling home Ethan said to me "May 23rd is now someone elses July 25th." It is so true, someone lost a member or members of their family yesterday. Someones life was turned upside down and their world has stopped for them. Then as we called family as we were driving home we found out that one of our Brother in laws, brother in law had past away on Saturday night. He had been suffering with cancer for six years. He left a wife and young kids behind. His wife Patty was such a sweetheart to us when Kamber died. I remember her coming over with a small gift to cheer up my girls and a beautiful smelling perfume for me. Sometimes when you are down, a pretty sent can lift your spirits for a while. Again the roller coaster traveled down hill as I remember loosing my dad at a young age after battling cancer for six years. My heart broke knowing how they feel. Even after having been through this trial myself there is still a helpless feeling of how to help. Extra prayers are sent their way and I know that angels are sent to us during these hard times and we are lifted up. That is the only way we are able to put one foot in front of the other during the early stages.

So yes,the roller coaster is rolling at a rapid speed and I would like it to slow down. But during these harder times I can see Heavenly Fathers hand holding me in, keeping me and my family safe along the way. He is guiding the coaster and I know that it won't fall of the tracks and I won't fall off because he and his angels are there. He is real and his love is real for each one of us. He doesn't leave us alone, especially when we feel that we are slipping.

What is your Favorite Food?

I would have to say that my favorite food is Mexican food. I love shredded beef tacos! Last night we had Chinese food and I would have to say that it is another one of my favorite foods. I enjoyed it and so did my girls, but Kylie had a little snack afterwards. I can't say that she really enjoyed her snack, actually I don't think she even got to taste it since it was down her throat in a matter of minutes. How many of you enjoy eating batteries?. Not the big ones or even a triple AAA, but a watch battery? Yep, you guessed it. Kylis ate a battery last night and scared us and also gave us and the doctors a little chuckle.

Kylie was down in her room being a good big sister and playing with Brookie. I guess Kylie was laughing and Brookie had found the battery and put it in Kylies mouth. She somehow swallowed the battery rather than spitting it out. Next thing I knew Kylie was panicking and in tears. Ethan walked through the door and asked what the heck was going on. We told him and he called poison control who wanted us to go straight down to the ER. The nearest hospital of course is the dreaded hospital and we have had go far to often over the past year and a half. On our way down we called poison control again and asked if we could go to a urgent care since an x-ray was needed and yes we could. So we dodged the bullet of the hospital and Kylie was relieved since she was convinced that the hospital was going to cut her open without putting her to sleep to take the battery out. We went to the Phoenix Children's Urgent Care on Higley and they got us right in and did the x-ray. The battery had already moved into her stomach which is a good place for it to be given the situation. Since it is a small battery and new, chances of it corroding are slim. So now we just watch her and wait for it to pass. Fun times at the Larsen home.

Today is my Father in Laws Birthday! Happy Birthday Rich!!!

Such a Slacker

I have been slacking with keeping up with my blogging. I thought that if I stopped writing on my family blog that it would make it easier to keep up with my Kamber blog. Can't say that, that has happened. I've just been in a funk here lately. Everything I do feels like I have to put so much effort into it. I just can't get my spirits up to where they use to be not long ago. I keep blaming it on my pregnancy and maybe that is a big reason why I am slugging along in life. I do have to say that I have finally hit the point in my pregnancy that I am uncomfortable. I don't know if it has something to do with the hot weather that has started up or the fact that I am very close to my 10 week count down and flat out I am getting bigger and there is not much more room for my baby boy to grow. I am already getting swollen in my hands and feet and I hate how that feels.

On Saturday I was really productive and cleaned my house spotless and did a good amount of laundry, along with running a few errands. By the evening time my body sure did feel it. I could really tell that I worked hard. But even though I am accomplishing things day to day I just have a little cloud over my head. I can't seem to handle the normal things as easily. A lot of things bug me, my patience is running thin. Maybe my medicine that keeps my mood in check isn't working as well or maybe I'm just a grump. I do have a lot on my plate right now. That could be the reason for all the panic attacks I have been having recently. Maybe this time of year is just hard for me. We had Mother's Day, then school gets out and Tayler has her birthday and I wish she could stop growing up so fast. And then we have Memorial Day which I didn't mind till Kamber died and our annual cleaning of the graves with my husbands extended family has now included one of my daughters. It makes the experience so different when you stand over your own child's grave. I have seriously thought of boycotting it this year. Last year was extremely hard for me especially when everyone started singing, I really just wanted to run away. Could I have just run away? It probably would have made everyone else feel bad but that is what I wanted to do, run and keep running. Well maybe this year won't be so bad since I have been there, done that. So maybe those are all contributors to my cloud. I know that the cloud will pass and the sun will shine brightly again.

I taught my last lesson in Young Womens today. My lesson was on journaling and I was wondering how I was going to be able to teach on that for a half hour. It actually went better than I expected. I found one of my journals from when I was 12 and read one of my journal entries from it. They seemed to be interested in what was going on in my life when I was their age. Then I read them one of my entries from my journal now that I wrote about them. I read to them how much being their leader has blessed my life and the happiness they have brought. I ended up crying and they were too. We are moving in a couple of weeks and I wanted them to know how much I care for them and that they have impact my life for good. That is one great thing about the church, you get callings to serve and when you put your heart into service you are blessed in more ways than you even realize. I love my young women and will miss them. Being with them today gave me a ray of sunshine. And then another ray came through when I found out that Brookie stayed all the way through nursery for the first time!!! Yeah Brookie!

I really am grateful for my family and they do make me very happy, just sometimes I get in a funk. Hope all of you are staying sane with the crazy end of the year, summer vacation will be here before we know it and I love that time of year!

Our Angel Watching Out For US!

We live in a gated community and really love it here. Something about having the gates and fencing all around the neighborhood has made me feel more safe in my own home. I have always been one to be paranoid of something happening to our home or to one of us while at home.

When Ethan and I were first married and lived in an apartment. I had a real scare with someone trying to come in our apartment while I was there. I had just had Tayler and it was in the morning so I was still in my pj's. I was sitting on our couch feeding her when I heard and saw the handle on the front door start to turn. Thank goodness the door was locked, so I waited and then it happened again and again. Then they were pushing on the door and then it sounded like they had some kind of a key and trying to open it. I knew it wasn't Ethan because he would have yelled through the door to open it. I put Tayler down and ran to the door with the phone and called Ethan while pushing on the door and holding to locks. I was panicked as Ethan answered. I told him what was happening and he switched to three way and called 911. I think whoever it was heard me on the other side and then all of a sudden vanished. I did have a split second to look out the peep hole during the panic to see a man with a blue collared shirt on. The police came and searched the area and then reported to me that there were maintenance workers around the complex and that it was one of them, they just didn't have the right key or apartment. I was really upset because we hadn't reported anything wrong or had been told if anyone was coming to the apartment. I told the police officer that he didn't even knock on the door before he tried to barge right in. The police man had told me that in Gilbert apartments that they as a complex have access to our apartment at any time and they don't have to give any notice. So you mean I could have been in the shower and have someone walk into my home at anytime? Yes. After that I told Ethan we needed to move out of that complex as soon as possible.

So ever since then I have been a little paranoid. Well on Monday I had a doctors appointment, one of my monthly check ups and I am a little over 27 wks. Not too far left to go! While I was gone Ethan came home to do some paper work in the office at our house. He came in through the garage and went straight into the office not paying attention to anything but what was on his mind. About 5 minutes passed and he heard the door open and beep from our alarm and then slam shut. It scared the heck out of him because he knew I wasn't home and that no one else was to be here, So he thought. He got up and walked into the hallway to find the back door wide open and the dogs halfway inside, which they know better. Hearing them bark when you get home is normal so that hadn't alarmed him till he realized the the back door was open and he had just heard someone leave. Someone was in our home while he was here. Nothing was taken but just knowing someone was in our home that shouldn't is scary. I text my neighbors to remind them to lock there doors when they leave because I didn't remember to lock our back door and look what happen even though I thought our neighborhood was extremely safe since unless you have the code you can't get in. One of my neighbors called me soon after to tell me that the night before they came home to their back doors wide open and someone leaving right as they entered their home. Her husband had actually heard someone say "I think they are home!" Something is going on. The police have been called and reports have been made. All I can gather from our situation is that angels are watching out for us. Ethan was protected that day because it could have turned out bad had the person been violent. I am grateful for the angels in our life and that we have a couple that we know personally watching out for us. I am sure Kamber had a part to play in keeping her daddy safe that day!

Mother's Day!

I guess I should blog about Mother's Day even though I don't really feel up to it, but I feel it needs to be part of this journal of mine.

I got to sleep in for a while before we had to get ready for church. I went into my kitchen to pick up a couple of things so I wouldn't be in a bad mood on Mother's Day. A messy kitchen really bugs me. While I was in there wiping down counters Tayler came in with a big smile on her face and a cute bag with a flower on it for me to open. She had made her present at school and had hid it in her back pack all weekend so I wouldn't have a chance to see it before the special day. She made the cutest pens with flowers on the top. These flower pens were in a pot with some greenery and a sign that had a cute little poem. Tayler did a great job on her gift and it was perfect, it actually brought tears to my eyes and she was so excited.

Kylie had expressed the night before how much she did not like her teacher at school. She was really upset that her teacher didn't let them make Mother's Day gifts. This was the first year for that and why her teacher decided not to, I don't know. I told Kylie that it was fine and that the best gift from her would be a hug and being kind. I think she accepted that until she saw Tayler giving me a gift. So that morning Kylie went in and cutout a paper heart and wrote a sweet little note. Then she got a brown bag and grabbed a toothbrush, toothpaste, hand sanitizer, and sour patch kids candy, which she knows is one of my favorites. These are all things we have at the house but she had fun putting it together and giving it to me and of course I loved the present just because she thought of me!

Brookie actually was a little sinker in the morning, but she brightened up as the day went on. Ethan gave me a... BIG HUGE ... HUG. He had been asking me all week what I would like for Mother's Day and my reply was nothing just help out with the kids and maybe I'll take a little nap. I was serious about getting nothing, I just don't need things, honestly just his love and later a shoulder to cry on. Last year was really hard on me. It was my first Mother's Day with out Kamber and I was in the toilet. I really didn't know how I was to live through that week prior or that day. I was a wreck. Ethan actually went out last year and bought me a beautiful ring that had Kamber's birthstone in it. He knew my heart was broken and he wanted to give me something special that I could cherish forever. It didn't fix all my emotions but I wear it all the time, keeping a piece of Kamber close to my heart.

So this year I wore my jewelry and Kamber was on my mind. Emotions were close to the surface but this year instead of being devastated I knew I would endure and focused on what is now. I have 3 of my sweet little girls here, one close by in heaven, and a little boy waiting to come and it brought a sense of peace and some happiness that surprised me.

We went to church and I could feel the tears close by, but I was able to fight them off. After sacrament we changed and raced to see my mom before she had to go to church, then left and ate lunch at home and then went out to Ethan's parents home to see his mom and grandma. By this time of day I was tired from fighting emotions and yes crying at one point during to day, but it was good to let out some of that built up energy. I couldn't wait to get home and put this day, which was good, mostly happy, and better than expected behind me.

I hope everyone had a great mother's Day and that my mom and mother in-law know how much we love and appreciate them!

Do You Remember?

Each morning I have a routine. Get up and go walking, come home get girls ready for school, and return to start cleaning the house. While I am cleaning my mind always wonders, and a lot of my deep thinking happens at this time. I reflect on my life and where my life seems to be heading. It is funny how all my thoughts always end up on Kamber and how all of our lives are in direct correlation with our Heavenly Father and returning back to him. Everything has a direct tie to life after death, our home in the eternities. We really are here striving to make it back to our Heavenly home.

Today I thought back to when I was a little girl. One of my favorite things to do on Sundays after church and dinner was to lay a blanket and pillow down behind one of our chairs in our family room in a little corner. I would place the magazine The Friend in the corner along with coloring books, a journal, and family pictures. I would look through these things and often times take a nap. From my little spot I could see the kitchen and would enjoy watching my mom make dessert and talking with my dad. Those were happy times that I remember. I remember one particular time sitting there talking with my mom and telling her that I wanted to be married by the time I was 19 and start having kids when I was 20. I was also going to have 6 kids of my own and a happy marriage! Mom freaked out a bit about the getting married at 19 and kids at 20, her exact words were " You better not." At that age 19 seemed old, old enough I guess. As I grew up I really didn't think more about it. As I hit High School I was more focused on going to school and hanging out with friends. I knew that I wanted to be married at a younger age, but 19 wasn't on my radar, per say. I thought I would be a Dental Hygienist, but later realized that was more my mom's dream not mine. Going to Hair School was always in the back of my head, but I didn't know how my mom would feel about that. I also had really thought I would do something in the medical field, like be a nurse or maybe work with Hospice. Hospice? you probably wonder why in the heck would I want that. My dad was in Hospice care before he died. I was to young to understand it then. I had watched so many people die in my life especially right around the time that my dad died. 3 months before my dad my Grandpa died and 3 months before that my Grandma had died. Since then I have had many aunts and uncles and other Grandparents die. These were all during my Jr. High and High School years. I wanted to be able to help others through their hard times.

Well, some of those dreams, which really were thoughts have come true in my life. I married at 19 which I never thought would really happen. Had a child by 20, which again never thought would really happen. I am almost to 6 children, holy cow! never thought that would really happen. I have a happy marriage to my Best Friend, I really hoped that would happen! I did go to Hair School, glad that it happened and that I can do hair and make a little bit of money. I'm not a nurse or work in the medical field, maybe some day. I don't work with Hospice but we are in the process of teaming up with the M.I.S.S. Foundation to do Kamber's Kaskets. It is all non-profit to help families that have lost children, so maybe it won't be Hospice at least for now, but in a way it is to help others.

So, some dreams have come true and some things have happened in my life that I never wanted to have happen or even dreamed would happen to me or my family. But, as I reflect back I see the direct correlation to my Heavenly Father even if it has been something devastating for me to endure. Some days my eyes are more wide open to this concept than others, but I am grateful for those glimpses in my life.

So what do you remember? What were your hopes and dreams? Have you lived any of them and some things that you never dreamed of, as devastating as they may be? Do you ever see Heavenly Father along the way and realize that it all leads back to him?

Little Drummer Girl

A couple Christmas's ago I got Ethan Rock Band. We had some gift cards so it only cost around $50 bucks and it has been well worth every penny and then some. I would definitely recommend the game to anyone with kids. That is one thing that we enjoy doing as a family and many times Ethan will just go in and play on his own or the kids will hear the music and join the band.

Here lately Brookie has wanted to join the band everytime they have a gig. Ethan is really good at the drums and Brookie loves to try. Ethan is always willing to let anyone play that wants even if it is our little two year old that doesn't know what the heck she is doing. The other day I walked in and saw Brookie standing in front of Ethan and together they were holding on to the drum sticks playing a song. Ethan was playing on expert so it seemed his hands were moving a million miles an hour and Brookie loved it! She just stood there with a big smile and arms moving at rapid speed. I of course had to take a picture, it was just too cute. Ethan asked if I would mind if one of our girls wanted to play the drums. Not at all. We could have a Little Drummer Girl!

The Sun Always Comes Up

My last post was sad and I'm sure depressing, but those were my feelings. It is my reality and I feel that it is better to live through those moments than to run away from them. I insist on dealing with my grief as it comes, I believe it is what helps me to heal and it is what reminds me that Kamber was really here, she was mine, and I love her. Sometimes it feels like a really bad dream, but feeling the waves of grief reminds me of the reality of it all and if it was real then it is real that I am going to be with her again.

The sun did rise the next morning and the sadness had drift away with the night. I woke up happy and ready to conquer the day. Later that afternoon I was driving home and saw that my sister had got into a car accident right out side my neighborhood. I could see that the damage wasn't bad and as I pulled in I could see that she was almost embarrassed that it had happened and that I had pulled up not long after. I hopped out of my car and asked her with a little smirk on my face "So, what's goin' on?" She just smiled back and said I hit that guy. She proceeded to tell me that she had her blinker on to turn left into our neighborhood and he had his blinker on to turn left into the neighborhood on the other side of the street. She didn't wait till he started turning and turned in front of him. Evidently he decided not to turn and keep going straight and kissed that back side of my sisters car. No damage was done to his car that was quite old and beat up already. Thank goodness he was okay and so was my sister.

The more I thought about her accident I realized that had there been cars in the other lanes not far behind the guy that hit her, it would have been a horrible accident. It reminded me again how fast our lives can be taken. Becky had an angel looking after her that day.

We all have bad days but it is nice to know that the sun does rise again. There are just some days that the clouds hide the rays, but the storm eventually will pass. Life is fragile, so lets try to live, love, and laugh more often. If the clouds block the rays let someone lift you up or be that for someone else. Thanks for the love and continued prayers!

I Can't Go There...

From reading my title you would probably think I am talking about a place to visit. A place that you could go on vacation, a place you could actually see, but for whatever reason I can't go. The place that I am talking about is a place that no one would ever want to go, definitely not a vacation and yet I visit it often even though I say that I can't go there.

Today I have been there often and I'm finding ways to run from there as fast as I can and yet I continue to go back. This place is a dreadful place in my mind. Not a place that is made up but a place that actually exists. It made a home in my mind about a year and a half ago. I use to visit this place every hour of every day at first. Then it move to once a day, to a couple times a week, to once a week, to every other week, to every few weeks, to once a month, to about every other month currently.

How do I get there? I don't really know, it just happens so fast. I try not to stay and visit, but sometimes I guess it captivates me as if I am watching a scary movie, but it has just enough of my attention that I hang around a little longer just to see and then one more scary thing happens and I turn it off as fast as I can. It feels a little like that. I don't really know what the trigger is for me today. Maybe it is the weather, or that I can really feel my baby kicking a lot today and I'm grateful for it but it scares me to have another one, maybe it is because our pool is finally drained and it has taken a huge weight off my shoulders, but it reminds me why the pool worries me and why having the water out of it makes me feel better inside. Or maybe it is just because I miss Kamber today and the events of her death still haunt me regardless of the fact that I know she is happy and right where she is meant to be. That is still hard for me to fully accept, but for the most part it is enough for me to keep trucking along.

I just wish that the images of that sad day would just go away and that I wouldn't have to visit that place anymore. But today I have gone there all to often and have fled a couple of times. This last time caught me for a moment, I cried and said out loud I CAN'T GO THERE, I JUST CAN'T, TODAY IT HURTS TO BAD.

Thanks for listening, sometimes writing it down helps relieve the pressure from it all.

Easter and TWO Birthdays!

The beginning of April is always a busy time of year for us. Easter is usually right around then and we have two birthdays within days of each other in our family and General Conference, which to me is relaxing. What if you combine all those days into one, is that relaxing then? Not really, but that is what we did this year. Brookie's birthday was on Saturday the 3rd, Easter and Conference was on the 4th and Ethan's birthday was on the 8th. So heck, why not celebrate it all in one day!

Instead of doing Brookie's party on Saturday we had some cousins over to dye Easter eggs. Candi and Bj always like us to dye eggs with them and this tradition started when we live only a few minutes away from them and they have continued to want us to be with them since we moved away and I'm glad they always ask us every year! They brought their two boys over and we went to town making fun eggs and the kids had lots of fun.






Do you see Tayler's funny face in this picture? Here is the story behind the face. Ethan had just got done washing his hands and just out of sight there was candle burning. I was trying to take a picture of the girls and right at the same time Ethan purposely caught the paper towel he was holding on fire and started yelling. Of course it distracted the girls and evidently scared the crap out of Tayler and I caught her funny face in the picture. I guess Kylie is use to Ethans pranks because her face looks more relaxed.

The girls wanted to make a Kamber egg, something to represent her presence on Easter. So they made a special egg just for her. It of course had to be purple and it said "We Love Kamber." Yes, we sure do!

The next morning the Easter Bunny came and the girls were off to find Easter eggs!








After Easter egg hunting we got dressed in a hurry and decided to go down to Kamber's grave while it was still beautiful weather outside and before conference would start. We gave Kamber some flowers and an Easter basket. We wanted her to be a part of the day and she gives us an extra reminder that families really are forever and that is why we celebrate Easter. Because of Christ's sacrifice and rising from his death we will have Eternal Life and we will see Kamber again. Couldn't ask for a better time to go!


We arrived and her headstone was a little dirty so we cleaned it like usual and put some more flowers, pinwheels and an Easter basket down. I was surprised to see all the things we put on her grave for her birthday still there and they still looked really good.








I may have never posted this before, but my dad died when I was 13 years old. He is actually buried just down the way from Kamber and where Ethan and I will be buried. It is nice to know that even in death we will still be close by. Each time we go to see Kamber, we stop by and give my dad a little something. Just a little hello and I Love You!




After the cemetery we rushed home to have breakfast and watch conference. The talks were wonderful and I really enjoyed listening. After both sessions family came over for an Easter/birthday dinner for Brookie and my hubby. It was wonderful food, good company, and cute little presents. This was a great ending to a wonderful day!

Guess Who Is Two!

Today is our Brookie girls birthday. I can't believe that two years have gone by since I had her. She has been our Sunshine through the rain. We had hope for her to be a boy, but I am so glad that she is what we got. Heavenly Father definitely knows what is best.

We aren't celebrating her birthday today because we thought it would be fun to combine Easter and her birthday together and have all the family over tomorrow. SO, tomorrow will be our day of fun and eating cake and ice cream. I am grateful for Brookie bear. She continues to bring happiness to our family every day!

What The...

As I have mentioned before, Kamber was a very busy child. She was always into something and usually there was quite a mess within minutes. You never wanted to take your eyes off her. She was very smart and could figure anything out, even if it was something dangerous. She was an explorer and so smart for her age.

We have often said since she passed away that she spent much of her time telling Brookie all her little secrets to keep us on our toes. I think she knows that we would be lost without a child to remind us so much of her. So I'm sure Brookie learned alot from her big sister at a young age. Remember Brookie was only 3 months old when Kamber passed. I do believe that little children come straight from the presence of our Heavenly Father and that the veil is very thin. I do believe that those who have passed on come around us often. I feel that this is a very special blessing and that Brookie knows Kamber better than we do, but as she ages the veil won't be so thin and she will forget. This all goes along with Heavenly Father's plan and begins our purpose here on earth.

Anyways.. WHAT THE... happened today. Not to say that it doesn't happen often, but today made me laugh somewhat. I was in the bathroom coloring some of my gray hairs. Yes, I already have gray hair. I have been doomed from both sides of my family. Brookie was along side me, but my concentration was mostly in the mirror putting color on my own head which isn't an easy task. I could hear her right next to me as happy as could be. I thought she was messing with the little potty chair that I think she is almost ready to start trying to use. FYI, the potty chair has been cloroxed and not used for many years. I finished with my coloring and look down at Brookie thinking she had been such a good girl to see her laying on the floor scooting around in bronzing powder. This is a shimmery bronzing powder for your body that I bought awhile back. I don't use it often, but I don't want it to go to waste either. My tile floor was covered in almost the whole container of powder and Brookie was having a hay day slipping across the floor in it. She sparkled like bronze colored star. What the... are you kidding me. Immediately I heard her say in her cute little voice "Sorry mommy." The last time I had a big mess like this was when Kamber decided to flood the bathroom just before Brookie was born. I remember that day and the "Sorry mommy" I got from Kamber. So I cleaned her up and the floor not angry, but grateful that I still have times like these even if it is a big pain in the butt. She followed me into the laundry room where I put the brown colored clothes in the sink with water and Oxyclean. (love that stuff) I set the oxyclean on the counter next to me with the cap not fully tightened in case I needed a little more. Little did I know Brookie was standing right behind me. She grabbed the broom that was behind us and swung the handle around and whipped me in the back and on the the counter knocking the liquid oxyclean bottle on the floor pouring everywhere. What the... yes again another mess to clean within minutes. Some days are just like that, but I would rather have a mess than not have her here at all!

Walking, So Good For Mind, Body and Soul

Well I am half way through my pregnancy and up till this point it has flown by. My body hadn't change too dramatically at first. I was actually still running up till a couple weeks ago. The past couple of weeks by body has definitely blown up. To me my stomach has got huge, so huge that people are making comments about how fast I have suddenly grown. I guess it is always a matter of time when you are pregnant. People also need to understand that I have big babies they are always around 9 lbs. 2 weeks early, which is way I am induced at 38 week. Therefore my stomach is bigger than the average women while pregnant.

(Here is my growing belly-21wks)


I do enjoy staying active during my pregnancies. This time I continued my running routine after I got past the first trimester of being horribly tired. Since my sudden growth spurt my stomach has hurt to bad to feel the jarring effects of running, so I have slowed it down to a walk. This pregnancy I have really enjoyed my walks in the morning. I am usually up close to when the sun is just coming up. Since Kamber passed away I have noticed I enjoy getting up early and exercising especially outside. It is good for my soul. I really take the time to enjoy all the beauty around me. I notice the flowers that are blooming and the beautiful colors. I notice the shapes of the leaves on the trees and how green they are during the spring. Walking gives me time to reflex on my life. I think of my life before Kamber left this earth and how easy and enjoyable everything seemed. At the time I couldn't imagine how life could get any better. Now looking back life was pretty close to perfect, but I was so blind to a lot of things. I enjoyed life, but not so sure I appreciated it as much as I do now. I also reflect on my life now and the day that my world changed. I have to admit that I do have times that I am walking down the street with tears rolling down my face. Maybe that is part of why I go in the morning, not as many people around. Exercise helps me to release all that built up energy that I hold on to during the day. I tend to feel so much better on the days that I get out and do my walk. Oh, and one other added benefit is that my body is able to stay in some what good shape through my pregnancy. I have always really enjoyed being active, I like to be in good shape and healthy. But now my exercise has changed me in ways more than just my body, it is to keep me sane and remembering how important the little things in life are.

Heavenly Father has really created a beautiful earth for us all to enjoy. I know bad and sad things happen all the time around us. If we can just remember who created everything beautiful and happy and remember that we get to return to him it can bring moments of pure happiness and strength to endure. If you are not sure if there is a God or that he really cares for you just take a moment and slow life down for a minute. Look at all the beauty around you, it was all created for you. Signs of his love are all around.

Spring Break

Yes, we were one of the ones that stayed home for spring break this year. It was actually kind of nice and relaxing. We just hung out, went to a St. Patricks Day party at the park with some friends from our ward which was a lot of fun and of course I didn't bring my camera. When do I ever remember to bring my camera or charge it for that matter. I keeping hoping that someday my forgetfulness will ware off. My husband is convinced that it is here to stay. I think I drive him the most crazy with it.

Anyways... I took Brookie to the park with Kylie and a niece of mine. I don't do this very often because Brookie would stay for hours on end and I have to pry her little death grip hands from the slide when it is time to go home, but since the weather was great I thought what the heck!
Kylie enjoyed playing in the sand and Brookie enjoyed posing for pictures as she went down the slide. Miss Tayler is MIA, because she was off with friends this day.









Brookie has turned into quite the mommy. I think she is the first child to actually like playing with dolls. She loves this obnoxious doll that my sister gave her for Christmas. All this baby does is crawl around and say Mama, Mama and start whaling. As if I don't hear that enough already. Anyways, Brookie insists on putting the obnoxious crawling doll in her stroller and push her around after me. Then she gets angry when the doll won't stay in place. It is quite funny. Maybe that is how I react when my little one gets into everything and makes a mess and won't just stay in place. :/ HaHa Despite the annoying doll I enjoy watching Brookie grow and having her follow me around. Life would be boring without my little ones.

Don't mind the booty shot in this picture, at least it isn't one of my children!








I'm considering combining my family blog with this blog. As you can see I obviously have a hard time keeping up with them both. I actually have 4 blogs I am a part of. It is a lot to keep track of, so I am thinking of combining the two to make life more simple. This blog is to write about life after Kamber and our family continues to go on so why not have it be together!






If you continue to scroll down I have two more posts to try and catch up on life at our home.

Long over Due!

I have not yet posted pictures from Kamber's Birthday in February. Shame on me, but I need to get it posted so that I have it documented not just in my head. It was a beautiful day! We woke up to balloons on our home and down our street. The girls always love getting to see this on their way to school. They even made the comment that it made their day and that they were sure that Kamber was happy about the balloons for her birthday. I totally agree with them. I finished up some last minute things I was putting together for Kamber's birthday and before I knew it, it was time to head to the cemetery to see our baby girl and decorate her grave. Oh, how awful that last sentence sounds but it is our reality and a very bitter sweet one at that.

We did our usual balloon release, which is my favorite. I love pretending that all the balloons make it to heaven for Kamber.

We cleaned her grave and put things down that remind us of her. It is nice to be able to give her something.

After the cemetery we headed off to our home for a party in Kamber's honor. We celebrate like she we did when she was here. We had sub sandwiches and all kinds of sides. We did a pinata for the kids, which they all seem to love. Then we had cake and ice cream. I think this is one of my girls favorite parts because they get to blow out the candles for Kamber. It is sooo sweet. Then before every one went home we had a little gift from Kamber. I had a bag for each family filled wit Hershey kisses and on the outside it said "Kisses from Kamber." Since there are no presents to open for my little one I tried to think of a little gift that each family could open as a gift from Kamber. Who wouldn't want a kiss from Kamber? I know I do, I long for it everyday.

Here are all the kisses from Kamber!!!

Though leading up to her birthday seems to always be hard I am grateful to have a day to celebrate her life. We are so grateful to have had Kamber for the two and a half years we did. She changed our world during that time and continues to influence us today. We love you Kamber girl!

Our Weekend at the SnOw!

A few weeks ago we headed up to one of our favorite spots for the weekend. Eager is one of our most favorite places to go. We have really taken a liking to it since our last complete family vacation almost 2 years ago. It was the last vacation that we took Kamber on and it was a ton of fun! We love Eager in the summer for the great weather and getting to go quad riding and the winter months are great for the snow.

It was really cold there. The high that weekend if I remember right was in the mid to upper 40's. The heater in the cabin wasn't working all that well so it made for some fun but uncomfortable nights of snuggling with Ethan and Brookie in the small bed we were sharing. Needless to say the cold is what we had come for right? Otherwise there would be no snow for Sledding!!! And that is just what we did!

We went over by Sunrise and took the girls sledding along with the fun friends we had come along for the winter wonderland retreat! The kids had a blast sledding down the fun hills and I enjoyed watching at the bottom of the mountain trying not to get run over. This is the second time we have gone sledding as a family and I have been pregnant both times. I don't know why we chose to go at these times, it is a bummer not to be able to sled with my girls but as long as they are having fun I am too.

We had Tayler take Brookie down to see if she would like it. Kylie wanted to take Brookie down also, but after watching Kylie attack the hills like she did we realized she was too crazy and wild to have her take Brookie. Kylie evidently has NO fear, but she was alot of fun to watch! So, Brookie went for a ride with Tay Tay.

After this ride Brookie fell in love with sledding. Her and Kylie are two peas in a pod, NO FEAR! Brookie insisted on riding down the hill on a sled of her own. Thank goodness the Schads brought a couple extra sleds or there would have been some fights going on. So Ethan would walk Brookie up the hill, put her on the saucer and send her down with a big smile on her face. She would hop off and say Again, Again! That became Ethan's job, walking Brookie up the hill and sending her on her way.

Thanks Amy and Kaleb for a fun time!

In My Mind, This Deserves A Post

I know I am going to embarrass my husband right now, but I wanted to write this down.

I have been down in the dumps the past couple of days. Our pool cleaning system broke a while ago and our pool has changed from clear to a greenish color. Gross! Anyways, Ethan decided that it was time to clean and shock the pool. He was outside with his workers fixing the pipes, running the waterfall while dumping all the chemicals in to clean it up. Brookie heard the water and wanted to be outside. She was so fascinated with the water, I guess she is getting to that age and that scares me. Anyways, I sat outside with her watching her daddy at work. This is where the change in me began.

Since Kamber has died I really do not like our pool that much. It depresses me alot of the time. Others pools don't affect me unless someone is letting their kid lay on their tummy in the pool and float. I guess the reason why I struggle so much is because I was the one that saw Kamber in the pool lifeless. I am the one that pulled her out. Everyone else saw her after the fact, not that it is any less traumatic. That is what I feel has affect me so much. I think it was expected that I would be very timid right after Kamber died to get back into the pool. Last year I would push myself to be in the pool. My girls love swimming. It is nice to have something to do during the hot summer days and nights. Some days I could handle it pretty good and other days I put on a really good show for my family. I wanted to do it for them. My girls happiness and normalcy is important to me. Seeing them happy makes me happy.

So anyways... I feel having the pool up and running again has got me down. Floods of memories of the day Kamber died have consumed my mind and as much as I fight them they have seemed to stick around. Today I have felt better. I do expect times like these and expect them for the rest of my life. At lest now I can remember the good and happy times with Kamber along with the tragic events so that I don't spiral out of control.

Anyways, the reason for this post is because of my husband. What a sweetheart he is. Evidently he left me a note with some money on my phone before I went out to spend some time with my mom. Kylie found Brookie walking around with a decent amount of money and brought it to me. I thought this morning that Ethan had accidentally dropped it so I put it on his desk and we left. When I got home I called Ethan to see how things were going at work and he asked me if I had got the note and money he left for me. I told him no and then realized that the money Brookie was holding was for me. Then I looked on the ground in the office and found the note. It brought tears to my eyes as I read it. The note told me how much he appreciates me and loves me and the kids. It also read that he knows I have been sad and that he would do anything to help cheer me up. He wants me to be happy. The money was for me to spend on just myself and to have a fun day with my mom. Those are words to sooth anyone's heart, especially when it is coming from the man you love. At this point the money doesn't mean anything to me, just knowing how much he appreciates, loves and cares for me goes further than any amount of money ever could. Though, money is always fun to spend when you are down. Maybe another day.

Thanks Ethan! I Love You!

I have some NEWS!

Yesterday I had my ultrasound. I have a love hate relationship with these. I love getting to know the gender of my babies and know if everything is okay, but I hate all the water you have to drink before. Thirty two ounces of water within the hour before you have to be seen is a lot when you don't get to pee. We already have so many things pressing on our bladders as it is and it is a horrible feeling knowing you are about to pee your pants and you are not aloud to just let it go. Needless to say, it is worth it in the end to know everything is okay and what you are having.

The ultrasound appointment went well and everything looks great with our baby. I really wanted to know what we were having for sure and Ethan said that he would rather not find out. He let me have my way since I don't deal with the unknown all that well. Let me just say that our baby is not shy one bit. Legs were spread wide open for us to get a good shot and know for sure. So with no further to do, WE ARE HAVING A...BOY!!! That is just crazy to say and seems so surreal. I can't believe it is really happening. I kind of got use to the fact of having all girls and didn't get my hopes up to much because chances were good that we would have another girl.

Kamber's passing away 2 years ago has kind of changed our perspective on life. Everyone really seemed to want us to have a boy really bad. Before Kamber's passing I could honestly say that we really did want a boy. And this time the thought of a boy would be great! But having another girl would be great also. Having 4 girls in our home once again would feel similar to when Kamber was here. Brookie will be the exact same age Kamber was when Brookie was born. It is crazy how things work out. Anyways... since Heavenly Father felt that a boy is what is to be we are sooo happy to have have him. Actually more than happy, we are sooo excited!!!

Boy life will be so different I am sure. A little scary I think, but alot of fun! I have lots of nephews that are sooo cute. They bring a smile to my face every time I see them. Now I will have a cute little one running around too.

We are kind of stuck on a name for our little one. We know his nickname will be Max. I have chosen this name for a special reason. Here is the story behind the name Max...

In my moms family there are 6 kids. My mom is the youngest. Before she was ever thought of the fist boy in my mom's family after 3 girls was cute Max. At the age of 3 Max was killed in an accident. My mom never knew him,but she remembers seeing his little booties and a blanket in a chest at her home. I guess Grandma and Grandpa chose to not talk about him much, maybe it was to painful, which I can understand. The older girls remember what a sweet cute boy he was, but also the sadness of that day. Since Max's passing my Grandpa and Grandma had another boy and then another girl who was my mom. Since Kamber's passing I have felt a deep connection to the uncle I never met, but my heart is tied to. My grandparents were fairly older when I was born and my Grandma died in a car accident when I was 3. I never really got to know her and I miss that. After loosing a child myself I feel that I know my grandparents so much more than I ever could. I have felt the pain that they endured through their life. I can understand part of them as I am sure they do me. Their story and Max are important to me, someone in my own family that understands, we share that bond even though it is through the veil. That is why I would like to name this boy after Max my uncle.

We don't want his first name to just be Max, we would like it within a name. I do have a cousin that has named one of her boys Max, I'm sure it is after our uncle and I don't want to take that from her. I would like to have the middle name after my husband, but he isn't so thrilled about that. He doesn't like either of his names and doesn't think it is all that important to name a child after yourself. I think it would be nice just in case we don't have another boy. My husbands name is Ethan Richard. I think either one would be great, but he likes the idea of my dads middle name Burton or a random name Ryan. So I think I am going to do a poll of names that we like and we would love for you to vote on what you like. I think it will be fun to see what is most popular and maybe it can help us decide.

Thanks for listening through this long post and I will be posting soon about our trip to the snow last weekend. It was lots of fun!

Proactive Solution

When you have kids you hear funny things all the time. Definitely at my house you are bound to hear something off the wall. My daughter Kylie is known for the funny things she says and at times being brutally honest. Kylie is a cuddle bug and loves to make you laugh.

Last week she woke up one morning with a couple bumps on her face. She was embarrassed to know that she had a few pimples. Really they weren't even that noticeable. Anyways... as I dropped her off for school her last words to me were "Hey mom, don't forget to get me Proactive Solution for my pimples!" Tayler insists that "Skin Id" is better than Proactive because they said so on their commercial. Kids... what would we do without them? Life definitely wouldn't be as funny!


Girls thanks for a good laugh and reminding me how wonderful and innocent little kids are. I Love You BOTH!

Lots of things

There has been a lot of things on my mind here lately. I have been trying to decide what to post for a while now.

The past week I have been preparing my lesson for next Sunday when I teach all the young women in our ward. This is a little more nerve racking since I will have all the leaders listening to me other than just the girls. I want to do a good job and keep their attention. My lesson is on being a peacemaker. It is a lesson that has taught me alot and since preparing it I have been trying to be more aware of how I act and try to be a peacemaker. In doing so it does bring a sense of calm to your life. I am able to handle somethings more easily. So I am excited to teach this lesson!

Yesterday was my brother in laws b-day! His family celebrated his b-day and his sons b-day yesterday since they will be going back to Colorado soon. It was nice to see them again and get to visit with family. I enjoyed watching all the little kids play and have fun. It was a nice night!

Then after the b-day party I headed off to my friend Valerie and Amy's shoe party. These are my friends in my old ward so I was excited to see all my friends that I haven't seen in a while. Amy and Valerie didn't only have shoes, they also had purses,sunglasses,cute jeans,and scentsy candles! Her home was packed with lots of ladies enjoying a good time together shopping. I loved getting to chit chat with all my friends, they are all beautiful women inside and out. I know some of them are struggling with some things right now, but they still had their beautiful smiles on their face even though I know there is hurt inside them. I haven't been through this same trial that some of them are going through, but I can say that I know how bad it hurts to want something that you aren't able to have right now. It didn't feel right to say it to them last night but girls if you are reading this know that I think of you often and can feel a little bit of your hurt, I know I don't fully understand but I care for you.:) Anyways... I loved visiting with all of you ladies last night!!!

So the past couple of days I have been worried. I have not felt my baby move in days when just days and weeks before I really could feel this baby wiggle around. I really started getting nervous 2 nights ago. I did everything to feel this baby move. Finally yesterday I realized that if this baby was not going to make it that it was out of my hands. I drank the huge amount of cold water and laid on my side yesterday afternoon after hours of trying to feel the baby move and nothing. I did what the doctors say to do and nothing. I left for the parties yesterday feeling a little sad, not knowing if I should panic and insist that I get into the doctor today or just wait till my ultrasound on Monday and let what was to be,to be. I decided to just be patient and realize I have no control. I seemed to feel some peace with that decision. Of course at the parties people were asking about the baby and if I knew what I was having. "Monday" I would say and in the back of my mind thinking about how it had been days since I had felt the baby move. Why is it that when we just give up and let things be that Heavenly Father sends us tender mercies?Maybe it is because the hard times make us more humble? But late last night I felt some fluttering, nothing like I had felt before but some hope that it wasn't gas! ha ha Then I woke in the middle of the night for my ritual potty time and I felt stronger movements and then again this morning. What a relief, my baby was just playing hide and seek. I am so thankful for that reassurance from my Heavenly Father. I am thankful for tender mercies, I have had many throughout my life and it is amazing as I look back on them, they have been through the hardest times in my life. Times when to me my prayers weren't being answered the way I wanted but the way that Heavenly Father intended, but I seem to always be lifted up in some way even though it wasn't my way.