So tomorrow is the day. Our family will once again change forever, but this time at least it is a good change! I was thinking today about how many times I talk about the girls and I and same with Ethan,he talks about he and his girls.
It has been fun having a family full of girls. They make me so happy and I know that they are learning to be good big sisters and someday to be great mother's. I have enjoyed doing their hair and nails. Dressing them up is so fun to do. I love getting to hear how cute all my girls are and hearing people tell Ethan that he was in trouble in a couple of years when they are all teenagers. That always gave me a little chuckle. I think I am going to miss it just being me and the girls. I don't think I know how to just relax and let a boy be a boy. Hopefully I don't make him into a sissy boy. With Ethan being his father hopefully that will never be able to happen.
We are excited for tomorrow to come and take us on this new adventure. When Tayler was born Ethan and I were young. I remember Ethan being so nervous to hold her and be with her for too long and same went for Kylie since she was born just 16 months after Tayler. Little babies made him so nervous, especially if they were his own. By the time Kamber came around we were a little older and Ethan would pay a little more attention but you could still tell he was a little nervous. And with Brookie it got a little better. Ethan and I were talking this morning about having another little one and ready or not here he comes. I was mentioning to him about how protective he has been through this pregnancy and that I am shocked that he himself was talking about taking pictures at the hospital. (something he has never liked to do.) I told him how I think he is a little different this time around. His answer was " I am getting older." I guess since we are almost 30 we are finally starting to act like adults and ready to be parents. We now have a better understanding on how precious life is and what a miracle it is to have our children born safely. I know now that we have a different outlook on life and our little one as we go in tomorrow.
So today we will enjoy our girlie's and look forward to our baby in blue!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Four Days!!!
Four days till D-Day. I have started the count down even though it still doesn't feel real that I will be having a boy. My fears and concerns are still lingering but I know somethings that will help to calm my troubled mind.
Today I choose to focus on the now and right now I am feeling the urgency to clean. All I can think about is clean house and do laundry!!! Literally in my mind everything needs to be sterilized. I think I drive my family crazy because it is almost all I talk about. Tayler was in Kindergarten when I had Kamber. Valentines Day was just days after Kambers was born, so the teacher was having the children make Valentines cards and treats for the parents. Tayler's card was so cute! You know,it was one of the cards that asked questions about you like how tall is your mom? How old is your dad? And the answers to those questions are like 100 feet tall and 70 years old. Those cards always make for a good laugh. Well, at the bottom of Tayler's card is said "What does your mom say to you the most?" Which of course you would hope it says something like I Love You! Tayler's answer to that question was "Clean UP." Not the answer I had expected, but at the time was probably so true since we just had a baby. S0 I was a little crazy about it then also. New Baby=Clean House and this time around I will remember to say I Love You along the way. :)
Today I choose to focus on the now and right now I am feeling the urgency to clean. All I can think about is clean house and do laundry!!! Literally in my mind everything needs to be sterilized. I think I drive my family crazy because it is almost all I talk about. Tayler was in Kindergarten when I had Kamber. Valentines Day was just days after Kambers was born, so the teacher was having the children make Valentines cards and treats for the parents. Tayler's card was so cute! You know,it was one of the cards that asked questions about you like how tall is your mom? How old is your dad? And the answers to those questions are like 100 feet tall and 70 years old. Those cards always make for a good laugh. Well, at the bottom of Tayler's card is said "What does your mom say to you the most?" Which of course you would hope it says something like I Love You! Tayler's answer to that question was "Clean UP." Not the answer I had expected, but at the time was probably so true since we just had a baby. S0 I was a little crazy about it then also. New Baby=Clean House and this time around I will remember to say I Love You along the way. :)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
36 weeks and a Baby Coming Soon!
Monday I went into the doctor for my 36 week appointment. In a lot of ways I feel the time has flown by, but by the evenings I am miserable and it feels like this pregnancy is never ending. We all love our last months check ups don't we! NOT,Very uncomfortable, but nice to know that the end is coming soon.
With the past 2 pregnancies my doctor has done an ultra sound around 37 weeks to see how big my babies are getting since my Kylie was over 9 lbs. Each time my babies seem to get bigger. Kamber was 8.12 at a week and a half early, then Brookie 8.8 at 2 1/2 weeks early. So Monday we did an ultra sound and my boy is 8.1 and I am 36 weeks and a few days. I had a feeling he was a big baby and what do you expect with Ethan being his daddy. I love Ethan's build, he has a very large strong frame. I love that he is 6'5 and muscular without even trying. I love that Ethan is athletic and most everything comes easy for him. I hope my boy is a lot like him. So far it looks like his body type will be!!!
Have you heard of white boys being wimpy? That is what I hear, at least if they are born early their lungs have a harder time than any other race. My doctor wants to induce me next week for fear of how big my boy will get if we just let me go. So early next week I will be poked in the stomach to get the amnio fluid to test his lungs. No numbing mind you and if you know my fear of needles then you know that it is a scary thing for me. I've been through worse though, it is called labor. That is coming soon and it is scary and exciting at the same time. :/
Our little boy as of now is scheduled to make an appearance next Thursday! I still have a hard time realizing we are having another baby let alone a boy. I worry that everything will go well. Will I really leave the hospital with another one in my arms?Am I really going to be able to keep all the rest of my children on earth with me? I've had four children with me once before and it seemed that right as I admit that four children was quite hard,one was taken. I still hope not for reasons of me not being able to adjust easily to 4 kiddos running through the house. Just one of the many questions that have run through my head since Kamber's death. So when my girls walk into the room to meet their new brother I will count three of them, and the picture at the hospital will be with 3 girls holding a baby. Same picture as last time even though 5 children will be in the room one will be missing in the picture, that makes me sad. BUT, at the same time who gets to have a true angel, one of your own to send a new special spirit to a family. I know not many, but we do. I know Kamber will be by our side and by the side of our sweet little one as he leaves our Heavenly Fathers arms and into ours. For this I am grateful and continue to try and focus on. It is such a bitter-sweet time for us with only days away from Kamber's passing. Heavenly Father works miracles and so I am sure this is how it is all meant to work out. The remembrance of life before this earth and life after death all tied together for one purpose, which is to return to our Heavenly home.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Fighting
FIGHTING, that is the word that tears at my heart and sole this past week. July is very bitter-sweet. I have had a lot of things going on to cloud my mind and make days and weeks seem to pass swiftly. Now that things have settled a little it allows me to ponder a little more.
We have met many people in our new ward and they have all been so kind. The question of how many kids we have has come up many times and I have answered with a smile on my face feeling ok with the responses I have been given. It hasn't been as hard as I expected mentioning Kamber.
In a few weeks it will be 2 years since she passed away. Time now has really seemed to have flown by. I look back and wonder how in the world I have made it this long without her. How has life seemed to get back to somewhat normal?
Emotions have been creeping up on me. I was hoping that planning on a new baby to arrive would blurr all the emotions surrounding this month of sadness. Instead I find myself worrying that my new bundle of joy will arrive on or too close to the death of Kamber. I don't want that day tied to him in any way.
Today my heart aches for Kamber. Have I mentioned how glad I am that we are not in the other house. I am glad that I don't have to see the physical evidence of why Kamber is gone anymore. My mind can remind me plenty. I am so glad that the scene of the accident no longer surrounds me.
So today I will continue to hold my head up high even though my heart hurts. I will strive to be grateful for how far we have come. I can continue to look to the future putting on step in front of the other. I know it may be hard, but I am looking forward for our little ray of sunshine to arrive!
We have met many people in our new ward and they have all been so kind. The question of how many kids we have has come up many times and I have answered with a smile on my face feeling ok with the responses I have been given. It hasn't been as hard as I expected mentioning Kamber.
In a few weeks it will be 2 years since she passed away. Time now has really seemed to have flown by. I look back and wonder how in the world I have made it this long without her. How has life seemed to get back to somewhat normal?
Emotions have been creeping up on me. I was hoping that planning on a new baby to arrive would blurr all the emotions surrounding this month of sadness. Instead I find myself worrying that my new bundle of joy will arrive on or too close to the death of Kamber. I don't want that day tied to him in any way.
Today my heart aches for Kamber. Have I mentioned how glad I am that we are not in the other house. I am glad that I don't have to see the physical evidence of why Kamber is gone anymore. My mind can remind me plenty. I am so glad that the scene of the accident no longer surrounds me.
So today I will continue to hold my head up high even though my heart hurts. I will strive to be grateful for how far we have come. I can continue to look to the future putting on step in front of the other. I know it may be hard, but I am looking forward for our little ray of sunshine to arrive!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
4th of July from the past
Growing up the 4th of July was one of my all time favorite holidays. When I was really young I remember going up to Eager to see my mom's parents and all her brothers and sisters would be there with all of their kids. There were horses in the back with a big barn that I always admired. My grandpa owned a lot of land and I remember thinking how cool it was to spend time in Eager just hanging out and having fun. At the young age of 3 I was riding horses, with my dad of course but not long after that I was riding on my own. I remember my favorite horse was named Peanut. He was a beautiful brown horse and he was fast. I loved to make him run up and down the corral in the back. It was so fun playing in the fields with all of my cousins. My mom has 6 in her family with her being the youngest so there were plenty of cousins to play and hang out with.
On the 4th there is always a parade and candy is thrown to everyone. It is so fun to run out and fight for the candy. Then that evening there is a firework show that is way better than the ones here in Mesa and as I got old enough to date I learned that there is country dancing down by the rodeo grounds that is fun to go to. I vaguely remember watch my mom country dance and yes she was dang good. She grew up in Eager and that is what you did. It was always fun to watch her move out on the dance floor.
Even as a teenager I still enjoyed going to Eager and hanging out with cousins and meeting boys from down in the valley from all over and hanging out with them also. I remember one of my guy cousins meeting a cute girl at the country dance and while they were dancing finding out that they were cousins. It really freaked him out because he had thought that she was really cute. That was one of the draw backs, Our family grew up there and therefore we are related to most of the people that live there. Not so much now because alot of the family members have either passed away or moved away.
While I was dating Ethan I found out that his grandpa grew up in Eager and that he spent many times in Eager with his family. I of course immediately found out that we were not related and was so relieved because I was crazy about him. His grandpa actually knew my family fairly well and so it was an immediate connection with Ethan's grandpa and even now I love to here the stories he tells me about his life in Eager. Ethan and I spend alot of our vacations now with our kids at his grandpas cabin for the 4th and other little get aways. I love passing this tradition on to my little girls and they seem to love it as much as I did.
This is the 1st year in a while that we have not been on the 4th. I am getting quite big and uncomfortable and didn't think that the 3 1/2 hour drive would treat me to well. So for this year we will make a memories here in our home. We do have some sparklers for the kids (another perk about Eager- driving into New Mexico to get cool fireworks!) So sparklers it will be with some homemade ice cream after dinner!
On the 4th there is always a parade and candy is thrown to everyone. It is so fun to run out and fight for the candy. Then that evening there is a firework show that is way better than the ones here in Mesa and as I got old enough to date I learned that there is country dancing down by the rodeo grounds that is fun to go to. I vaguely remember watch my mom country dance and yes she was dang good. She grew up in Eager and that is what you did. It was always fun to watch her move out on the dance floor.
Even as a teenager I still enjoyed going to Eager and hanging out with cousins and meeting boys from down in the valley from all over and hanging out with them also. I remember one of my guy cousins meeting a cute girl at the country dance and while they were dancing finding out that they were cousins. It really freaked him out because he had thought that she was really cute. That was one of the draw backs, Our family grew up there and therefore we are related to most of the people that live there. Not so much now because alot of the family members have either passed away or moved away.
While I was dating Ethan I found out that his grandpa grew up in Eager and that he spent many times in Eager with his family. I of course immediately found out that we were not related and was so relieved because I was crazy about him. His grandpa actually knew my family fairly well and so it was an immediate connection with Ethan's grandpa and even now I love to here the stories he tells me about his life in Eager. Ethan and I spend alot of our vacations now with our kids at his grandpas cabin for the 4th and other little get aways. I love passing this tradition on to my little girls and they seem to love it as much as I did.
This is the 1st year in a while that we have not been on the 4th. I am getting quite big and uncomfortable and didn't think that the 3 1/2 hour drive would treat me to well. So for this year we will make a memories here in our home. We do have some sparklers for the kids (another perk about Eager- driving into New Mexico to get cool fireworks!) So sparklers it will be with some homemade ice cream after dinner!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Update!
I know it has been almost a month since I have done a post. It was actually kind of nice to take a little break. I wish it was a break of just relaxing but my break made it possible to stay some what sane through the past couple of weeks. I will have to post more pictures later. On the vacation my camera wouldn't charge so I have few pictures and for the other events I couldn't find my camera due to our move and things being scattered all over the place between two houses. Maybe some of my family and friends will be so kind to send me some of the pictures they took.:)
Mid May we went as a family with three other families to Vegas for a family vacation. We enjoyed the pool, aquarium at Mandalay Bay, and the Adventure Dome at Circus Circus which was the highlight of the vacation! We enjoyed good food and good friends. It was a fun vacation since that was going to be our only one for this summer since I am getting bigger by the minute.
Here is Ethan and one of our friends at the entrance to the aquarium.
Pic. of the jelly fish, gross.
Ethan showing every one up on a game at Circus Circus. He got the highest score winning Brookie the biggest prize.
Kylie doing the bumper cars. I think she and all the other kids only made it one time around the track. Driving is harder than it looks.
Kylie going her second time on the big roller coaster at Circus Circus and Matt being nice enough to take her again.
The next week Tay Tay had her 9th Birthday! We enjoyed a family party of swimming, eating pizza,cake and ice cream, and Tayler's favorite, opening presents! Tayler is growing up so fast and when I ask her to slow down she just laughs and gives me a your crazy look. She brings so much happiness to our lives and we love her soooo MUCH!!!
Kylie doing the bumper cars. I think she and all the other kids only made it one time around the track. Driving is harder than it looks.
Kylie going her second time on the big roller coaster at Circus Circus and Matt being nice enough to take her again.
The next week Tay Tay had her 9th Birthday! We enjoyed a family party of swimming, eating pizza,cake and ice cream, and Tayler's favorite, opening presents! Tayler is growing up so fast and when I ask her to slow down she just laughs and gives me a your crazy look. She brings so much happiness to our lives and we love her soooo MUCH!!!
Swimming on her birthday, Tay Tay's favorite thing to do.
The last you heard from me Brookie had broke her foot and we were moving. Her broken foot postponed our move a week, but life continued to truck on. Brookie got her hot pink cast on and that did not hold her back. Within a couple of days she was walking, running and jumping with her cast on. She would call her cast "The big pink sock." She was darling in it and such a good sport, I actually think she liked all the attention she got, as if she lacked that from others anyways. I ordered a waterproof cover so that we could bathe her and let her swim. Well showers worked great and then we tried swimming and you guessed it. The cast was soaked and better yet just before I changed her out of her little swimmer she peed down her leg and right into her cast. I know, gross and nothing I could do to clean the urine out of the cast. So a call was placed to the doctor and we went in the next day. The cast was removed and they did an x-ray to find that enough of her bone had started to heal that the cast could come off. She now has to wear tennis shoes with good support and we are not to let her run or jump on her foot for three weeks because she is at a high risk of breaking her foot again. Ummm, they obviously do not know my Brookie. I explained her little vibrant personality to them and they just repeated the same directions. We left the office and headed right to the store to get her some shoes other than flip flops and guess what! She was running through the store. Seriously, not good. For the most part she is doing great and we are on our way to healing and keeping our fingers crossed. Brookie is just happy that she gets to swim. She tells me all day long that "Mama, I lika to swim!!!" :) So cute!
Brookie just before she got her Big Pink Sock cut off!
We are finally moved in. It took us forever, a whole weekend- actually longer because there were other days that we had to go back and get other things, mostly my husbands stuff for his construction business, but were are done traveling back and forth. The house is starting to look more like a home rather than a bomb. Moving nine months pregnant nearly killed me. By the afternoon I could barely walk and I don't know how I didn't end up in labor or with a broken back. I'm just glad it is done. I like things clean so I have been impatient with how fast things are being put away, so I know I bring a lot of the pain on myself. A clean home is important to me. We like our home, neighbors that we have met, and we have been to our new ward once and they made us feel very welcome. I have to say that I have not shed one tear over our other home nor have I missed it. The last day I was there I cleaned up Kamber's room and felt nothing. I didn't feel her presence there at all. I worried that I would feel like I was leaving her behind and all our memories, but the spirit of our family was already gone from that home. Kamber's presence has carried with us to the new home and I have felt peace with the move. There are some people that have expressed their sadness about our moving from that home, but please no sadness. It is just a home, yes it is beautiful, but there are so many sad memories there and we pray that this move is good for our family and we have faith that things work out for a reason. So goodbye home that brought us happiness, good times, horrible times, and growth we never thought would happen. It was an experience of a life time!
Since our move my dear family and friends threw me an amazing baby shower. It was beautiful and had yummy food and great company! I was in shock when I walked in and saw all the hard work that was put forth on my behalf. There are not any words to express my gratitude towards all those that helped and came to support me. I received lots of darling gifts for my little boy. It is still crazy to think that I am going to have a baby boy. Deep down I was really starting to think that a boy wasn't in the cards for our family. Looking back now I can't think of a better time for a boy to come. Heavenly Father truly knows what is best and when we have patience he can work his miracles.
After all this craziness my body finally gave up and I got sick for a couple days but now I am back trucking along through life trying to endure this HEAT like the rest of you. I look forward to reading your posts and catching up on everyones life once again. ;)
Friday, June 4, 2010
Oh, Dear!
What do you get when you are moving, pregnant, trying to set up a charity, going to baby showers, and your little one just broke their leg? You get one crazy MAMA! I have many posts I want to do, but since our stuff is scattered all over the place I am having a hard time finding my cameras for pictures for our Vegas trip, Tayler's B-day, and memorial day. I do have my nifty phone on me so I can upload pictures I take with it. I will have a lot of updating to do when we get settled in our new home.
So, like I said we have been taking our time moving our things to our new home, but we had decided that this weekend was the time to get our booties into gear and get- r- done. Yesterday was overwhelming for me. I have a lot on my plate right now and I could feel it's weight on my shoulders. I let myself have a break down and then I felt much better, ready to accomplish some things. Later yesterday evening Ethan had just arrived home to get a phone call about something at someones home and he needed to leave again to fix the problem. He wasn't happy about having to leave just after arriving home since he had been up since 4 a.m., but sometimes that is how it goes when you own your own business. He left and I had a couple things still left to do. Brookie was running around the house as usual playing when all of a sudden I heard a crack and her screaming. She was right outside the office where I was and I saw her screaming on the ground holding her foot. I had never heard a cry like this one come from her. We always say she is as tuff as nails because she will run into things all the time and bounce back up not to even skip a step. I knew she had probably broke something.
I picked her up and held her trying not to cry myself knowing she was in a lot of pain and I couldn't do anything about it. You moms know how this feels, it is a sick feeling deep down in your stomach. I called Ethan and he thank goodness was on his way home. I tried to see if she would walk and she wouldn't put any pressure on her right foot. She would cry for me not to put her down to walk. Next thing I noticed the top of her foot started swelling. So Ethan arrived and off to urgent care we went. The same one that we were at last week and the week before that with Kylie's battery situation. Ethan made the comment that hopefully they don't call CPS on us since we have been down there so often. Brookie got her x-rays and yes her foot is broken and she will have to have a cast on just in time for summer and swimming, which see loves by the way. YEAH!!! She is adjusting to her splint fairly well and soon will have the hard cast on. I actually found a place that has vacum seal covers to go over casts so people can swim. There has been nothing but 100 percent positive reviews about this product so it sounds like Brookie will be able to swim after all.
Life seems to get crazier and crazier around here. I am to the point that it almost makes me laugh. What a crazy time, sometimes when it rains it pours. We can take it, things could be alot worse.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Hooray!
Yesterday we took Kylie in for another X-Ray to see if the battery had passed out of her system. Honestly I can't say that I looked that hard, it makes me gag just thinking about it. Kylie told me that yesterday she had told her teacher about the battery she swallowed and that if her teacher brought in her cell phone charger that she could plug it into her stomach to charge her phone. Where do kids think of the silly things that they say?
So, down to the doctors we went and an x-ray was done and no battery was found! The doctor then told us that thank heaven it did pass because if it hadn't he would be sending us down to the hospital for them to go in a take it out. Oh no, that would not have been good. Kylie's eyes got huge as she heard that and promised that she would not swallow anymore batteries unless she was choking on one like she did that night. She says" What would you have liked me to do? Swallow the battery or choke and die?". Definitely swallow the battery, I love you too much Kylie and don't know that I could live without you.
So, down to the doctors we went and an x-ray was done and no battery was found! The doctor then told us that thank heaven it did pass because if it hadn't he would be sending us down to the hospital for them to go in a take it out. Oh no, that would not have been good. Kylie's eyes got huge as she heard that and promised that she would not swallow anymore batteries unless she was choking on one like she did that night. She says" What would you have liked me to do? Swallow the battery or choke and die?". Definitely swallow the battery, I love you too much Kylie and don't know that I could live without you.
Monday, May 24, 2010
It's Been A Roller Coaster
Sometimes life just goes up and down. Sometimes it surges forward and then it slows down. That is a little how I have felt here lately. I feel I have been riding a crazy roller coater for the past little while. Bursting forward and then flying backwards and being jerked from side to side. There are even times I don't even know where I am going because my eyes are closed not wanting to see what is coming next.
School is almost out and summer will be here. I love getting to spend more time with my kids. I do have times that I wish they could be back in school during the summer, but most of the time I really enjoy having them around, though I notice as they are getting older they are not wanting to spend as much time with me, but with their friends. That is okay though I expect that to happen. What do I love about summer? I love getting to sleep in if I want. I love that my girls get to sleep till they are ready to wake up and not be grumpy. I love having days of taking it easy if we want. I love going swimming with them and watching movies during quiet time. I love just having them around!
This weekend Tayler will turn 9. Can you believe that? She is growning up so fast. She is turning into such a big kid, no longer a little girl. I love what a big help she is and her sweet personality. We are just going to have a small little family get together for her, it will be just perfect.
In two weeks we are moving out of our home. With that it brings alot of emotions. In so many ways I am so happy to leave this home. SO many hard emotions are here. We really feel it is what we are to do, but at the same time it is hard to leave the home that Kamber spent the last part of her life in. It is a very complicated feeling and leaves me exhausted. We pray that this is going to be healing for us and most of the time I really feel it will.
We just got home from a little family vacation. It was a lot of fun! We had 3 other families go with us and made for quite an adventure and the kids loved it. I will do a post soon just about our weekend get away! On our way home yesterday we got stuck in traffic on the 93. About maybe 5 minutes ahead of us there was a horrible accident that had happened. Three life flight helicopters were called in, firetrucks,a couple ambulance, and a lot of DPS. We arrived just minutes after it happened so we saw all the rescue workers arriving to help. Not long later we found out that people had died at the scene of the accident. My heart broke and my mood changed for the remainder of the day and it is still affecting me in some ways today. As we were traveling home Ethan said to me "May 23rd is now someone elses July 25th." It is so true, someone lost a member or members of their family yesterday. Someones life was turned upside down and their world has stopped for them. Then as we called family as we were driving home we found out that one of our Brother in laws, brother in law had past away on Saturday night. He had been suffering with cancer for six years. He left a wife and young kids behind. His wife Patty was such a sweetheart to us when Kamber died. I remember her coming over with a small gift to cheer up my girls and a beautiful smelling perfume for me. Sometimes when you are down, a pretty sent can lift your spirits for a while. Again the roller coaster traveled down hill as I remember loosing my dad at a young age after battling cancer for six years. My heart broke knowing how they feel. Even after having been through this trial myself there is still a helpless feeling of how to help. Extra prayers are sent their way and I know that angels are sent to us during these hard times and we are lifted up. That is the only way we are able to put one foot in front of the other during the early stages.
So yes,the roller coaster is rolling at a rapid speed and I would like it to slow down. But during these harder times I can see Heavenly Fathers hand holding me in, keeping me and my family safe along the way. He is guiding the coaster and I know that it won't fall of the tracks and I won't fall off because he and his angels are there. He is real and his love is real for each one of us. He doesn't leave us alone, especially when we feel that we are slipping.
School is almost out and summer will be here. I love getting to spend more time with my kids. I do have times that I wish they could be back in school during the summer, but most of the time I really enjoy having them around, though I notice as they are getting older they are not wanting to spend as much time with me, but with their friends. That is okay though I expect that to happen. What do I love about summer? I love getting to sleep in if I want. I love that my girls get to sleep till they are ready to wake up and not be grumpy. I love having days of taking it easy if we want. I love going swimming with them and watching movies during quiet time. I love just having them around!
This weekend Tayler will turn 9. Can you believe that? She is growning up so fast. She is turning into such a big kid, no longer a little girl. I love what a big help she is and her sweet personality. We are just going to have a small little family get together for her, it will be just perfect.
In two weeks we are moving out of our home. With that it brings alot of emotions. In so many ways I am so happy to leave this home. SO many hard emotions are here. We really feel it is what we are to do, but at the same time it is hard to leave the home that Kamber spent the last part of her life in. It is a very complicated feeling and leaves me exhausted. We pray that this is going to be healing for us and most of the time I really feel it will.
We just got home from a little family vacation. It was a lot of fun! We had 3 other families go with us and made for quite an adventure and the kids loved it. I will do a post soon just about our weekend get away! On our way home yesterday we got stuck in traffic on the 93. About maybe 5 minutes ahead of us there was a horrible accident that had happened. Three life flight helicopters were called in, firetrucks,a couple ambulance, and a lot of DPS. We arrived just minutes after it happened so we saw all the rescue workers arriving to help. Not long later we found out that people had died at the scene of the accident. My heart broke and my mood changed for the remainder of the day and it is still affecting me in some ways today. As we were traveling home Ethan said to me "May 23rd is now someone elses July 25th." It is so true, someone lost a member or members of their family yesterday. Someones life was turned upside down and their world has stopped for them. Then as we called family as we were driving home we found out that one of our Brother in laws, brother in law had past away on Saturday night. He had been suffering with cancer for six years. He left a wife and young kids behind. His wife Patty was such a sweetheart to us when Kamber died. I remember her coming over with a small gift to cheer up my girls and a beautiful smelling perfume for me. Sometimes when you are down, a pretty sent can lift your spirits for a while. Again the roller coaster traveled down hill as I remember loosing my dad at a young age after battling cancer for six years. My heart broke knowing how they feel. Even after having been through this trial myself there is still a helpless feeling of how to help. Extra prayers are sent their way and I know that angels are sent to us during these hard times and we are lifted up. That is the only way we are able to put one foot in front of the other during the early stages.
So yes,the roller coaster is rolling at a rapid speed and I would like it to slow down. But during these harder times I can see Heavenly Fathers hand holding me in, keeping me and my family safe along the way. He is guiding the coaster and I know that it won't fall of the tracks and I won't fall off because he and his angels are there. He is real and his love is real for each one of us. He doesn't leave us alone, especially when we feel that we are slipping.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
What is your Favorite Food?
I would have to say that my favorite food is Mexican food. I love shredded beef tacos! Last night we had Chinese food and I would have to say that it is another one of my favorite foods. I enjoyed it and so did my girls, but Kylie had a little snack afterwards. I can't say that she really enjoyed her snack, actually I don't think she even got to taste it since it was down her throat in a matter of minutes. How many of you enjoy eating batteries?. Not the big ones or even a triple AAA, but a watch battery? Yep, you guessed it. Kylis ate a battery last night and scared us and also gave us and the doctors a little chuckle.
Kylie was down in her room being a good big sister and playing with Brookie. I guess Kylie was laughing and Brookie had found the battery and put it in Kylies mouth. She somehow swallowed the battery rather than spitting it out. Next thing I knew Kylie was panicking and in tears. Ethan walked through the door and asked what the heck was going on. We told him and he called poison control who wanted us to go straight down to the ER. The nearest hospital of course is the dreaded hospital and we have had go far to often over the past year and a half. On our way down we called poison control again and asked if we could go to a urgent care since an x-ray was needed and yes we could. So we dodged the bullet of the hospital and Kylie was relieved since she was convinced that the hospital was going to cut her open without putting her to sleep to take the battery out. We went to the Phoenix Children's Urgent Care on Higley and they got us right in and did the x-ray. The battery had already moved into her stomach which is a good place for it to be given the situation. Since it is a small battery and new, chances of it corroding are slim. So now we just watch her and wait for it to pass. Fun times at the Larsen home.
Today is my Father in Laws Birthday! Happy Birthday Rich!!!
Kylie was down in her room being a good big sister and playing with Brookie. I guess Kylie was laughing and Brookie had found the battery and put it in Kylies mouth. She somehow swallowed the battery rather than spitting it out. Next thing I knew Kylie was panicking and in tears. Ethan walked through the door and asked what the heck was going on. We told him and he called poison control who wanted us to go straight down to the ER. The nearest hospital of course is the dreaded hospital and we have had go far to often over the past year and a half. On our way down we called poison control again and asked if we could go to a urgent care since an x-ray was needed and yes we could. So we dodged the bullet of the hospital and Kylie was relieved since she was convinced that the hospital was going to cut her open without putting her to sleep to take the battery out. We went to the Phoenix Children's Urgent Care on Higley and they got us right in and did the x-ray. The battery had already moved into her stomach which is a good place for it to be given the situation. Since it is a small battery and new, chances of it corroding are slim. So now we just watch her and wait for it to pass. Fun times at the Larsen home.
Today is my Father in Laws Birthday! Happy Birthday Rich!!!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Such a Slacker
I have been slacking with keeping up with my blogging. I thought that if I stopped writing on my family blog that it would make it easier to keep up with my Kamber blog. Can't say that, that has happened. I've just been in a funk here lately. Everything I do feels like I have to put so much effort into it. I just can't get my spirits up to where they use to be not long ago. I keep blaming it on my pregnancy and maybe that is a big reason why I am slugging along in life. I do have to say that I have finally hit the point in my pregnancy that I am uncomfortable. I don't know if it has something to do with the hot weather that has started up or the fact that I am very close to my 10 week count down and flat out I am getting bigger and there is not much more room for my baby boy to grow. I am already getting swollen in my hands and feet and I hate how that feels.
On Saturday I was really productive and cleaned my house spotless and did a good amount of laundry, along with running a few errands. By the evening time my body sure did feel it. I could really tell that I worked hard. But even though I am accomplishing things day to day I just have a little cloud over my head. I can't seem to handle the normal things as easily. A lot of things bug me, my patience is running thin. Maybe my medicine that keeps my mood in check isn't working as well or maybe I'm just a grump. I do have a lot on my plate right now. That could be the reason for all the panic attacks I have been having recently. Maybe this time of year is just hard for me. We had Mother's Day, then school gets out and Tayler has her birthday and I wish she could stop growing up so fast. And then we have Memorial Day which I didn't mind till Kamber died and our annual cleaning of the graves with my husbands extended family has now included one of my daughters. It makes the experience so different when you stand over your own child's grave. I have seriously thought of boycotting it this year. Last year was extremely hard for me especially when everyone started singing, I really just wanted to run away. Could I have just run away? It probably would have made everyone else feel bad but that is what I wanted to do, run and keep running. Well maybe this year won't be so bad since I have been there, done that. So maybe those are all contributors to my cloud. I know that the cloud will pass and the sun will shine brightly again.
I taught my last lesson in Young Womens today. My lesson was on journaling and I was wondering how I was going to be able to teach on that for a half hour. It actually went better than I expected. I found one of my journals from when I was 12 and read one of my journal entries from it. They seemed to be interested in what was going on in my life when I was their age. Then I read them one of my entries from my journal now that I wrote about them. I read to them how much being their leader has blessed my life and the happiness they have brought. I ended up crying and they were too. We are moving in a couple of weeks and I wanted them to know how much I care for them and that they have impact my life for good. That is one great thing about the church, you get callings to serve and when you put your heart into service you are blessed in more ways than you even realize. I love my young women and will miss them. Being with them today gave me a ray of sunshine. And then another ray came through when I found out that Brookie stayed all the way through nursery for the first time!!! Yeah Brookie!
I really am grateful for my family and they do make me very happy, just sometimes I get in a funk. Hope all of you are staying sane with the crazy end of the year, summer vacation will be here before we know it and I love that time of year!
On Saturday I was really productive and cleaned my house spotless and did a good amount of laundry, along with running a few errands. By the evening time my body sure did feel it. I could really tell that I worked hard. But even though I am accomplishing things day to day I just have a little cloud over my head. I can't seem to handle the normal things as easily. A lot of things bug me, my patience is running thin. Maybe my medicine that keeps my mood in check isn't working as well or maybe I'm just a grump. I do have a lot on my plate right now. That could be the reason for all the panic attacks I have been having recently. Maybe this time of year is just hard for me. We had Mother's Day, then school gets out and Tayler has her birthday and I wish she could stop growing up so fast. And then we have Memorial Day which I didn't mind till Kamber died and our annual cleaning of the graves with my husbands extended family has now included one of my daughters. It makes the experience so different when you stand over your own child's grave. I have seriously thought of boycotting it this year. Last year was extremely hard for me especially when everyone started singing, I really just wanted to run away. Could I have just run away? It probably would have made everyone else feel bad but that is what I wanted to do, run and keep running. Well maybe this year won't be so bad since I have been there, done that. So maybe those are all contributors to my cloud. I know that the cloud will pass and the sun will shine brightly again.
I taught my last lesson in Young Womens today. My lesson was on journaling and I was wondering how I was going to be able to teach on that for a half hour. It actually went better than I expected. I found one of my journals from when I was 12 and read one of my journal entries from it. They seemed to be interested in what was going on in my life when I was their age. Then I read them one of my entries from my journal now that I wrote about them. I read to them how much being their leader has blessed my life and the happiness they have brought. I ended up crying and they were too. We are moving in a couple of weeks and I wanted them to know how much I care for them and that they have impact my life for good. That is one great thing about the church, you get callings to serve and when you put your heart into service you are blessed in more ways than you even realize. I love my young women and will miss them. Being with them today gave me a ray of sunshine. And then another ray came through when I found out that Brookie stayed all the way through nursery for the first time!!! Yeah Brookie!
I really am grateful for my family and they do make me very happy, just sometimes I get in a funk. Hope all of you are staying sane with the crazy end of the year, summer vacation will be here before we know it and I love that time of year!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Our Angel Watching Out For US!
We live in a gated community and really love it here. Something about having the gates and fencing all around the neighborhood has made me feel more safe in my own home. I have always been one to be paranoid of something happening to our home or to one of us while at home.
When Ethan and I were first married and lived in an apartment. I had a real scare with someone trying to come in our apartment while I was there. I had just had Tayler and it was in the morning so I was still in my pj's. I was sitting on our couch feeding her when I heard and saw the handle on the front door start to turn. Thank goodness the door was locked, so I waited and then it happened again and again. Then they were pushing on the door and then it sounded like they had some kind of a key and trying to open it. I knew it wasn't Ethan because he would have yelled through the door to open it. I put Tayler down and ran to the door with the phone and called Ethan while pushing on the door and holding to locks. I was panicked as Ethan answered. I told him what was happening and he switched to three way and called 911. I think whoever it was heard me on the other side and then all of a sudden vanished. I did have a split second to look out the peep hole during the panic to see a man with a blue collared shirt on. The police came and searched the area and then reported to me that there were maintenance workers around the complex and that it was one of them, they just didn't have the right key or apartment. I was really upset because we hadn't reported anything wrong or had been told if anyone was coming to the apartment. I told the police officer that he didn't even knock on the door before he tried to barge right in. The police man had told me that in Gilbert apartments that they as a complex have access to our apartment at any time and they don't have to give any notice. So you mean I could have been in the shower and have someone walk into my home at anytime? Yes. After that I told Ethan we needed to move out of that complex as soon as possible.
So ever since then I have been a little paranoid. Well on Monday I had a doctors appointment, one of my monthly check ups and I am a little over 27 wks. Not too far left to go! While I was gone Ethan came home to do some paper work in the office at our house. He came in through the garage and went straight into the office not paying attention to anything but what was on his mind. About 5 minutes passed and he heard the door open and beep from our alarm and then slam shut. It scared the heck out of him because he knew I wasn't home and that no one else was to be here, So he thought. He got up and walked into the hallway to find the back door wide open and the dogs halfway inside, which they know better. Hearing them bark when you get home is normal so that hadn't alarmed him till he realized the the back door was open and he had just heard someone leave. Someone was in our home while he was here. Nothing was taken but just knowing someone was in our home that shouldn't is scary. I text my neighbors to remind them to lock there doors when they leave because I didn't remember to lock our back door and look what happen even though I thought our neighborhood was extremely safe since unless you have the code you can't get in. One of my neighbors called me soon after to tell me that the night before they came home to their back doors wide open and someone leaving right as they entered their home. Her husband had actually heard someone say "I think they are home!" Something is going on. The police have been called and reports have been made. All I can gather from our situation is that angels are watching out for us. Ethan was protected that day because it could have turned out bad had the person been violent. I am grateful for the angels in our life and that we have a couple that we know personally watching out for us. I am sure Kamber had a part to play in keeping her daddy safe that day! 
When Ethan and I were first married and lived in an apartment. I had a real scare with someone trying to come in our apartment while I was there. I had just had Tayler and it was in the morning so I was still in my pj's. I was sitting on our couch feeding her when I heard and saw the handle on the front door start to turn. Thank goodness the door was locked, so I waited and then it happened again and again. Then they were pushing on the door and then it sounded like they had some kind of a key and trying to open it. I knew it wasn't Ethan because he would have yelled through the door to open it. I put Tayler down and ran to the door with the phone and called Ethan while pushing on the door and holding to locks. I was panicked as Ethan answered. I told him what was happening and he switched to three way and called 911. I think whoever it was heard me on the other side and then all of a sudden vanished. I did have a split second to look out the peep hole during the panic to see a man with a blue collared shirt on. The police came and searched the area and then reported to me that there were maintenance workers around the complex and that it was one of them, they just didn't have the right key or apartment. I was really upset because we hadn't reported anything wrong or had been told if anyone was coming to the apartment. I told the police officer that he didn't even knock on the door before he tried to barge right in. The police man had told me that in Gilbert apartments that they as a complex have access to our apartment at any time and they don't have to give any notice. So you mean I could have been in the shower and have someone walk into my home at anytime? Yes. After that I told Ethan we needed to move out of that complex as soon as possible.
So ever since then I have been a little paranoid. Well on Monday I had a doctors appointment, one of my monthly check ups and I am a little over 27 wks. Not too far left to go! While I was gone Ethan came home to do some paper work in the office at our house. He came in through the garage and went straight into the office not paying attention to anything but what was on his mind. About 5 minutes passed and he heard the door open and beep from our alarm and then slam shut. It scared the heck out of him because he knew I wasn't home and that no one else was to be here, So he thought. He got up and walked into the hallway to find the back door wide open and the dogs halfway inside, which they know better. Hearing them bark when you get home is normal so that hadn't alarmed him till he realized the the back door was open and he had just heard someone leave. Someone was in our home while he was here. Nothing was taken but just knowing someone was in our home that shouldn't is scary. I text my neighbors to remind them to lock there doors when they leave because I didn't remember to lock our back door and look what happen even though I thought our neighborhood was extremely safe since unless you have the code you can't get in. One of my neighbors called me soon after to tell me that the night before they came home to their back doors wide open and someone leaving right as they entered their home. Her husband had actually heard someone say "I think they are home!" Something is going on. The police have been called and reports have been made. All I can gather from our situation is that angels are watching out for us. Ethan was protected that day because it could have turned out bad had the person been violent. I am grateful for the angels in our life and that we have a couple that we know personally watching out for us. I am sure Kamber had a part to play in keeping her daddy safe that day!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mother's Day!
I guess I should blog about Mother's Day even though I don't really feel up to it, but I feel it needs to be part of this journal of mine.
I got to sleep in for a while before we had to get ready for church. I went into my kitchen to pick up a couple of things so I wouldn't be in a bad mood on Mother's Day. A messy kitchen really bugs me. While I was in there wiping down counters Tayler came in with a big smile on her face and a cute bag with a flower on it for me to open. She had made her present at school and had hid it in her back pack all weekend so I wouldn't have a chance to see it before the special day. She made the cutest pens with flowers on the top. These flower pens were in a pot with some greenery and a sign that had a cute little poem. Tayler did a great job on her gift and it was perfect, it actually brought tears to my eyes and she was so excited.
Kylie had expressed the night before how much she did not like her teacher at school. She was really upset that her teacher didn't let them make Mother's Day gifts. This was the first year for that and why her teacher decided not to, I don't know. I told Kylie that it was fine and that the best gift from her would be a hug and being kind. I think she accepted that until she saw Tayler giving me a gift. So that morning Kylie went in and cutout a paper heart and wrote a sweet little note. Then she got a brown bag and grabbed a toothbrush, toothpaste, hand sanitizer, and sour patch kids candy, which she knows is one of my favorites. These are all things we have at the house but she had fun putting it together and giving it to me and of course I loved the present just because she thought of me!
Brookie actually was a little sinker in the morning, but she brightened up as the day went on. Ethan gave me a... BIG HUGE ... HUG. He had been asking me all week what I would like for Mother's Day and my reply was nothing just help out with the kids and maybe I'll take a little nap. I was serious about getting nothing, I just don't need things, honestly just his love and later a shoulder to cry on. Last year was really hard on me. It was my first Mother's Day with out Kamber and I was in the toilet. I really didn't know how I was to live through that week prior or that day. I was a wreck. Ethan actually went out last year and bought me a beautiful ring that had Kamber's birthstone in it. He knew my heart was broken and he wanted to give me something special that I could cherish forever. It didn't fix all my emotions but I wear it all the time, keeping a piece of Kamber close to my heart.
So this year I wore my jewelry and Kamber was on my mind. Emotions were close to the surface but this year instead of being devastated I knew I would endure and focused on what is now. I have 3 of my sweet little girls here, one close by in heaven, and a little boy waiting to come and it brought a sense of peace and some happiness that surprised me.
We went to church and I could feel the tears close by, but I was able to fight them off. After sacrament we changed and raced to see my mom before she had to go to church, then left and ate lunch at home and then went out to Ethan's parents home to see his mom and grandma. By this time of day I was tired from fighting emotions and yes crying at one point during to day, but it was good to let out some of that built up energy. I couldn't wait to get home and put this day, which was good, mostly happy, and better than expected behind me.
I hope everyone had a great mother's Day and that my mom and mother in-law know how much we love and appreciate them!
I got to sleep in for a while before we had to get ready for church. I went into my kitchen to pick up a couple of things so I wouldn't be in a bad mood on Mother's Day. A messy kitchen really bugs me. While I was in there wiping down counters Tayler came in with a big smile on her face and a cute bag with a flower on it for me to open. She had made her present at school and had hid it in her back pack all weekend so I wouldn't have a chance to see it before the special day. She made the cutest pens with flowers on the top. These flower pens were in a pot with some greenery and a sign that had a cute little poem. Tayler did a great job on her gift and it was perfect, it actually brought tears to my eyes and she was so excited.
Kylie had expressed the night before how much she did not like her teacher at school. She was really upset that her teacher didn't let them make Mother's Day gifts. This was the first year for that and why her teacher decided not to, I don't know. I told Kylie that it was fine and that the best gift from her would be a hug and being kind. I think she accepted that until she saw Tayler giving me a gift. So that morning Kylie went in and cutout a paper heart and wrote a sweet little note. Then she got a brown bag and grabbed a toothbrush, toothpaste, hand sanitizer, and sour patch kids candy, which she knows is one of my favorites. These are all things we have at the house but she had fun putting it together and giving it to me and of course I loved the present just because she thought of me!
Brookie actually was a little sinker in the morning, but she brightened up as the day went on. Ethan gave me a... BIG HUGE ... HUG. He had been asking me all week what I would like for Mother's Day and my reply was nothing just help out with the kids and maybe I'll take a little nap. I was serious about getting nothing, I just don't need things, honestly just his love and later a shoulder to cry on. Last year was really hard on me. It was my first Mother's Day with out Kamber and I was in the toilet. I really didn't know how I was to live through that week prior or that day. I was a wreck. Ethan actually went out last year and bought me a beautiful ring that had Kamber's birthstone in it. He knew my heart was broken and he wanted to give me something special that I could cherish forever. It didn't fix all my emotions but I wear it all the time, keeping a piece of Kamber close to my heart.
So this year I wore my jewelry and Kamber was on my mind. Emotions were close to the surface but this year instead of being devastated I knew I would endure and focused on what is now. I have 3 of my sweet little girls here, one close by in heaven, and a little boy waiting to come and it brought a sense of peace and some happiness that surprised me.
We went to church and I could feel the tears close by, but I was able to fight them off. After sacrament we changed and raced to see my mom before she had to go to church, then left and ate lunch at home and then went out to Ethan's parents home to see his mom and grandma. By this time of day I was tired from fighting emotions and yes crying at one point during to day, but it was good to let out some of that built up energy. I couldn't wait to get home and put this day, which was good, mostly happy, and better than expected behind me.
I hope everyone had a great mother's Day and that my mom and mother in-law know how much we love and appreciate them!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Do You Remember?
Each morning I have a routine. Get up and go walking, come home get girls ready for school, and return to start cleaning the house. While I am cleaning my mind always wonders, and a lot of my deep thinking happens at this time. I reflect on my life and where my life seems to be heading. It is funny how all my thoughts always end up on Kamber and how all of our lives are in direct correlation with our Heavenly Father and returning back to him. Everything has a direct tie to life after death, our home in the eternities. We really are here striving to make it back to our Heavenly home.
Today I thought back to when I was a little girl. One of my favorite things to do on Sundays after church and dinner was to lay a blanket and pillow down behind one of our chairs in our family room in a little corner. I would place the magazine The Friend in the corner along with coloring books, a journal, and family pictures. I would look through these things and often times take a nap. From my little spot I could see the kitchen and would enjoy watching my mom make dessert and talking with my dad. Those were happy times that I remember. I remember one particular time sitting there talking with my mom and telling her that I wanted to be married by the time I was 19 and start having kids when I was 20. I was also going to have 6 kids of my own and a happy marriage! Mom freaked out a bit about the getting married at 19 and kids at 20, her exact words were " You better not." At that age 19 seemed old, old enough I guess. As I grew up I really didn't think more about it. As I hit High School I was more focused on going to school and hanging out with friends. I knew that I wanted to be married at a younger age, but 19 wasn't on my radar, per say. I thought I would be a Dental Hygienist, but later realized that was more my mom's dream not mine. Going to Hair School was always in the back of my head, but I didn't know how my mom would feel about that. I also had really thought I would do something in the medical field, like be a nurse or maybe work with Hospice. Hospice? you probably wonder why in the heck would I want that. My dad was in Hospice care before he died. I was to young to understand it then. I had watched so many people die in my life especially right around the time that my dad died. 3 months before my dad my Grandpa died and 3 months before that my Grandma had died. Since then I have had many aunts and uncles and other Grandparents die. These were all during my Jr. High and High School years. I wanted to be able to help others through their hard times.
Well, some of those dreams, which really were thoughts have come true in my life. I married at 19 which I never thought would really happen. Had a child by 20, which again never thought would really happen. I am almost to 6 children, holy cow! never thought that would really happen. I have a happy marriage to my Best Friend, I really hoped that would happen! I did go to Hair School, glad that it happened and that I can do hair and make a little bit of money. I'm not a nurse or work in the medical field, maybe some day. I don't work with Hospice but we are in the process of teaming up with the M.I.S.S. Foundation to do Kamber's Kaskets. It is all non-profit to help families that have lost children, so maybe it won't be Hospice at least for now, but in a way it is to help others.
So, some dreams have come true and some things have happened in my life that I never wanted to have happen or even dreamed would happen to me or my family. But, as I reflect back I see the direct correlation to my Heavenly Father even if it has been something devastating for me to endure. Some days my eyes are more wide open to this concept than others, but I am grateful for those glimpses in my life.
So what do you remember? What were your hopes and dreams? Have you lived any of them and some things that you never dreamed of, as devastating as they may be? Do you ever see Heavenly Father along the way and realize that it all leads back to him?
Today I thought back to when I was a little girl. One of my favorite things to do on Sundays after church and dinner was to lay a blanket and pillow down behind one of our chairs in our family room in a little corner. I would place the magazine The Friend in the corner along with coloring books, a journal, and family pictures. I would look through these things and often times take a nap. From my little spot I could see the kitchen and would enjoy watching my mom make dessert and talking with my dad. Those were happy times that I remember. I remember one particular time sitting there talking with my mom and telling her that I wanted to be married by the time I was 19 and start having kids when I was 20. I was also going to have 6 kids of my own and a happy marriage! Mom freaked out a bit about the getting married at 19 and kids at 20, her exact words were " You better not." At that age 19 seemed old, old enough I guess. As I grew up I really didn't think more about it. As I hit High School I was more focused on going to school and hanging out with friends. I knew that I wanted to be married at a younger age, but 19 wasn't on my radar, per say. I thought I would be a Dental Hygienist, but later realized that was more my mom's dream not mine. Going to Hair School was always in the back of my head, but I didn't know how my mom would feel about that. I also had really thought I would do something in the medical field, like be a nurse or maybe work with Hospice. Hospice? you probably wonder why in the heck would I want that. My dad was in Hospice care before he died. I was to young to understand it then. I had watched so many people die in my life especially right around the time that my dad died. 3 months before my dad my Grandpa died and 3 months before that my Grandma had died. Since then I have had many aunts and uncles and other Grandparents die. These were all during my Jr. High and High School years. I wanted to be able to help others through their hard times.
Well, some of those dreams, which really were thoughts have come true in my life. I married at 19 which I never thought would really happen. Had a child by 20, which again never thought would really happen. I am almost to 6 children, holy cow! never thought that would really happen. I have a happy marriage to my Best Friend, I really hoped that would happen! I did go to Hair School, glad that it happened and that I can do hair and make a little bit of money. I'm not a nurse or work in the medical field, maybe some day. I don't work with Hospice but we are in the process of teaming up with the M.I.S.S. Foundation to do Kamber's Kaskets. It is all non-profit to help families that have lost children, so maybe it won't be Hospice at least for now, but in a way it is to help others.
So, some dreams have come true and some things have happened in my life that I never wanted to have happen or even dreamed would happen to me or my family. But, as I reflect back I see the direct correlation to my Heavenly Father even if it has been something devastating for me to endure. Some days my eyes are more wide open to this concept than others, but I am grateful for those glimpses in my life.
So what do you remember? What were your hopes and dreams? Have you lived any of them and some things that you never dreamed of, as devastating as they may be? Do you ever see Heavenly Father along the way and realize that it all leads back to him?
Monday, April 26, 2010
Little Drummer Girl
A couple Christmas's ago I got Ethan Rock Band. We had some gift cards so it only cost around $50 bucks and it has been well worth every penny and then some. I would definitely recommend the game to anyone with kids. That is one thing that we enjoy doing as a family and many times Ethan will just go in and play on his own or the kids will hear the music and join the band.
Here lately Brookie has wanted to join the band everytime they have a gig. Ethan is really good at the drums and Brookie loves to try. Ethan is always willing to let anyone play that wants even if it is our little two year old that doesn't know what the heck she is doing. The other day I walked in and saw Brookie standing in front of Ethan and together they were holding on to the drum sticks playing a song. Ethan was playing on expert so it seemed his hands were moving a million miles an hour and Brookie loved it! She just stood there with a big smile and arms moving at rapid speed. I of course had to take a picture, it was just too cute. Ethan asked if I would mind if one of our girls wanted to play the drums. Not at all. We could have a Little Drummer Girl!
Friday, April 23, 2010
The Sun Always Comes Up
My last post was sad and I'm sure depressing, but those were my feelings. It is my reality and I feel that it is better to live through those moments than to run away from them. I insist on dealing with my grief as it comes, I believe it is what helps me to heal and it is what reminds me that Kamber was really here, she was mine, and I love her. Sometimes it feels like a really bad dream, but feeling the waves of grief reminds me of the reality of it all and if it was real then it is real that I am going to be with her again.
The sun did rise the next morning and the sadness had drift away with the night. I woke up happy and ready to conquer the day. Later that afternoon I was driving home and saw that my sister had got into a car accident right out side my neighborhood. I could see that the damage wasn't bad and as I pulled in I could see that she was almost embarrassed that it had happened and that I had pulled up not long after. I hopped out of my car and asked her with a little smirk on my face "So, what's goin' on?" She just smiled back and said I hit that guy. She proceeded to tell me that she had her blinker on to turn left into our neighborhood and he had his blinker on to turn left into the neighborhood on the other side of the street. She didn't wait till he started turning and turned in front of him. Evidently he decided not to turn and keep going straight and kissed that back side of my sisters car. No damage was done to his car that was quite old and beat up already. Thank goodness he was okay and so was my sister.
The more I thought about her accident I realized that had there been cars in the other lanes not far behind the guy that hit her, it would have been a horrible accident. It reminded me again how fast our lives can be taken. Becky had an angel looking after her that day.
We all have bad days but it is nice to know that the sun does rise again. There are just some days that the clouds hide the rays, but the storm eventually will pass. Life is fragile, so lets try to live, love, and laugh more often. If the clouds block the rays let someone lift you up or be that for someone else. Thanks for the love and continued prayers!
The sun did rise the next morning and the sadness had drift away with the night. I woke up happy and ready to conquer the day. Later that afternoon I was driving home and saw that my sister had got into a car accident right out side my neighborhood. I could see that the damage wasn't bad and as I pulled in I could see that she was almost embarrassed that it had happened and that I had pulled up not long after. I hopped out of my car and asked her with a little smirk on my face "So, what's goin' on?" She just smiled back and said I hit that guy. She proceeded to tell me that she had her blinker on to turn left into our neighborhood and he had his blinker on to turn left into the neighborhood on the other side of the street. She didn't wait till he started turning and turned in front of him. Evidently he decided not to turn and keep going straight and kissed that back side of my sisters car. No damage was done to his car that was quite old and beat up already. Thank goodness he was okay and so was my sister.
The more I thought about her accident I realized that had there been cars in the other lanes not far behind the guy that hit her, it would have been a horrible accident. It reminded me again how fast our lives can be taken. Becky had an angel looking after her that day.
We all have bad days but it is nice to know that the sun does rise again. There are just some days that the clouds hide the rays, but the storm eventually will pass. Life is fragile, so lets try to live, love, and laugh more often. If the clouds block the rays let someone lift you up or be that for someone else. Thanks for the love and continued prayers!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I Can't Go There...
From reading my title you would probably think I am talking about a place to visit. A place that you could go on vacation, a place you could actually see, but for whatever reason I can't go. The place that I am talking about is a place that no one would ever want to go, definitely not a vacation and yet I visit it often even though I say that I can't go there.
Today I have been there often and I'm finding ways to run from there as fast as I can and yet I continue to go back. This place is a dreadful place in my mind. Not a place that is made up but a place that actually exists. It made a home in my mind about a year and a half ago. I use to visit this place every hour of every day at first. Then it move to once a day, to a couple times a week, to once a week, to every other week, to every few weeks, to once a month, to about every other month currently.
How do I get there? I don't really know, it just happens so fast. I try not to stay and visit, but sometimes I guess it captivates me as if I am watching a scary movie, but it has just enough of my attention that I hang around a little longer just to see and then one more scary thing happens and I turn it off as fast as I can. It feels a little like that. I don't really know what the trigger is for me today. Maybe it is the weather, or that I can really feel my baby kicking a lot today and I'm grateful for it but it scares me to have another one, maybe it is because our pool is finally drained and it has taken a huge weight off my shoulders, but it reminds me why the pool worries me and why having the water out of it makes me feel better inside. Or maybe it is just because I miss Kamber today and the events of her death still haunt me regardless of the fact that I know she is happy and right where she is meant to be. That is still hard for me to fully accept, but for the most part it is enough for me to keep trucking along.
I just wish that the images of that sad day would just go away and that I wouldn't have to visit that place anymore. But today I have gone there all to often and have fled a couple of times. This last time caught me for a moment, I cried and said out loud I CAN'T GO THERE, I JUST CAN'T, TODAY IT HURTS TO BAD.
Thanks for listening, sometimes writing it down helps relieve the pressure from it all.
Today I have been there often and I'm finding ways to run from there as fast as I can and yet I continue to go back. This place is a dreadful place in my mind. Not a place that is made up but a place that actually exists. It made a home in my mind about a year and a half ago. I use to visit this place every hour of every day at first. Then it move to once a day, to a couple times a week, to once a week, to every other week, to every few weeks, to once a month, to about every other month currently.
How do I get there? I don't really know, it just happens so fast. I try not to stay and visit, but sometimes I guess it captivates me as if I am watching a scary movie, but it has just enough of my attention that I hang around a little longer just to see and then one more scary thing happens and I turn it off as fast as I can. It feels a little like that. I don't really know what the trigger is for me today. Maybe it is the weather, or that I can really feel my baby kicking a lot today and I'm grateful for it but it scares me to have another one, maybe it is because our pool is finally drained and it has taken a huge weight off my shoulders, but it reminds me why the pool worries me and why having the water out of it makes me feel better inside. Or maybe it is just because I miss Kamber today and the events of her death still haunt me regardless of the fact that I know she is happy and right where she is meant to be. That is still hard for me to fully accept, but for the most part it is enough for me to keep trucking along.
I just wish that the images of that sad day would just go away and that I wouldn't have to visit that place anymore. But today I have gone there all to often and have fled a couple of times. This last time caught me for a moment, I cried and said out loud I CAN'T GO THERE, I JUST CAN'T, TODAY IT HURTS TO BAD.
Thanks for listening, sometimes writing it down helps relieve the pressure from it all.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Easter and TWO Birthdays!
The beginning of April is always a busy time of year for us. Easter is usually right around then and we have two birthdays within days of each other in our family and General Conference, which to me is relaxing. What if you combine all those days into one, is that relaxing then? Not really, but that is what we did this year. Brookie's birthday was on Saturday the 3rd, Easter and Conference was on the 4th and Ethan's birthday was on the 8th. So heck, why not celebrate it all in one day!
Instead of doing Brookie's party on Saturday we had some cousins over to dye Easter eggs. Candi and Bj always like us to dye eggs with them and this tradition started when we live only a few minutes away from them and they have continued to want us to be with them since we moved away and I'm glad they always ask us every year! They brought their two boys over and we went to town making fun eggs and the kids had lots of fun.
Do you see Tayler's funny face in this picture? Here is the story behind the face. Ethan had just got done washing his hands and just out of sight there was candle burning. I was trying to take a picture of the girls and right at the same time Ethan purposely caught the paper towel he was holding on fire and started yelling. Of course it distracted the girls and evidently scared the crap out of Tayler and I caught her funny face in the picture. I guess Kylie is use to Ethans pranks because her face looks more relaxed.
The next morning the Easter Bunny came and the girls were off to find Easter eggs!
After Easter egg hunting we got dressed in a hurry and decided to go down to Kamber's grave while it was still beautiful weather outside and before conference would start. We gave Kamber some flowers and an Easter basket. We wanted her to be a part of the day and she gives us an extra reminder that families really are forever and that is why we celebrate Easter. Because of Christ's sacrifice and rising from his death we will have Eternal Life and we will see Kamber again. Couldn't ask for a better time to go!
We arrived and her headstone was a little dirty so we cleaned it like usual and put some more flowers, pinwheels and an Easter basket down. I was surprised to see all the things we put on her grave for her birthday still there and they still looked really good.
I may have never posted this before, but my dad died when I was 13 years old. He is actually buried just down the way from Kamber and where Ethan and I will be buried. It is nice to know that even in death we will still be close by. Each time we go to see Kamber, we stop by and give my dad a little something. Just a little hello and I Love You!
After the cemetery we rushed home to have breakfast and watch conference. The talks were wonderful and I really enjoyed listening. After both sessions family came over for an Easter/birthday dinner for Brookie and my hubby. It was wonderful food, good company, and cute little presents. This was a great ending to a wonderful day!
Instead of doing Brookie's party on Saturday we had some cousins over to dye Easter eggs. Candi and Bj always like us to dye eggs with them and this tradition started when we live only a few minutes away from them and they have continued to want us to be with them since we moved away and I'm glad they always ask us every year! They brought their two boys over and we went to town making fun eggs and the kids had lots of fun.
Do you see Tayler's funny face in this picture? Here is the story behind the face. Ethan had just got done washing his hands and just out of sight there was candle burning. I was trying to take a picture of the girls and right at the same time Ethan purposely caught the paper towel he was holding on fire and started yelling. Of course it distracted the girls and evidently scared the crap out of Tayler and I caught her funny face in the picture. I guess Kylie is use to Ethans pranks because her face looks more relaxed.
The girls wanted to make a Kamber egg, something to represent her presence on Easter. So they made a special egg just for her. It of course had to be purple and it said "We Love Kamber." Yes, we sure do!
The next morning the Easter Bunny came and the girls were off to find Easter eggs!
After Easter egg hunting we got dressed in a hurry and decided to go down to Kamber's grave while it was still beautiful weather outside and before conference would start. We gave Kamber some flowers and an Easter basket. We wanted her to be a part of the day and she gives us an extra reminder that families really are forever and that is why we celebrate Easter. Because of Christ's sacrifice and rising from his death we will have Eternal Life and we will see Kamber again. Couldn't ask for a better time to go!
We arrived and her headstone was a little dirty so we cleaned it like usual and put some more flowers, pinwheels and an Easter basket down. I was surprised to see all the things we put on her grave for her birthday still there and they still looked really good.
I may have never posted this before, but my dad died when I was 13 years old. He is actually buried just down the way from Kamber and where Ethan and I will be buried. It is nice to know that even in death we will still be close by. Each time we go to see Kamber, we stop by and give my dad a little something. Just a little hello and I Love You!
After the cemetery we rushed home to have breakfast and watch conference. The talks were wonderful and I really enjoyed listening. After both sessions family came over for an Easter/birthday dinner for Brookie and my hubby. It was wonderful food, good company, and cute little presents. This was a great ending to a wonderful day!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Guess Who Is Two!
Today is our Brookie girls birthday. I can't believe that two years have gone by since I had her. She has been our Sunshine through the rain. We had hope for her to be a boy, but I am so glad that she is what we got. Heavenly Father definitely knows what is best.
We aren't celebrating her birthday today because we thought it would be fun to combine Easter and her birthday together and have all the family over tomorrow. SO, tomorrow will be our day of fun and eating cake and ice cream. I am grateful for Brookie bear. She continues to bring happiness to our family every day!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
What The...
As I have mentioned before, Kamber was a very busy child. She was always into something and usually there was quite a mess within minutes. You never wanted to take your eyes off her. She was very smart and could figure anything out, even if it was something dangerous. She was an explorer and so smart for her age.
We have often said since she passed away that she spent much of her time telling Brookie all her little secrets to keep us on our toes. I think she knows that we would be lost without a child to remind us so much of her. So I'm sure Brookie learned alot from her big sister at a young age. Remember Brookie was only 3 months old when Kamber passed. I do believe that little children come straight from the presence of our Heavenly Father and that the veil is very thin. I do believe that those who have passed on come around us often. I feel that this is a very special blessing and that Brookie knows Kamber better than we do, but as she ages the veil won't be so thin and she will forget. This all goes along with Heavenly Father's plan and begins our purpose here on earth.
Anyways.. WHAT THE... happened today. Not to say that it doesn't happen often, but today made me laugh somewhat. I was in the bathroom coloring some of my gray hairs. Yes, I already have gray hair. I have been doomed from both sides of my family. Brookie was along side me, but my concentration was mostly in the mirror putting color on my own head which isn't an easy task. I could hear her right next to me as happy as could be. I thought she was messing with the little potty chair that I think she is almost ready to start trying to use. FYI, the potty chair has been cloroxed and not used for many years. I finished with my coloring and look down at Brookie thinking she had been such a good girl to see her laying on the floor scooting around in bronzing powder. This is a shimmery bronzing powder for your body that I bought awhile back. I don't use it often, but I don't want it to go to waste either. My tile floor was covered in almost the whole container of powder and Brookie was having a hay day slipping across the floor in it. She sparkled like bronze colored star. What the... are you kidding me. Immediately I heard her say in her cute little voice "Sorry mommy." The last time I had a big mess like this was when Kamber decided to flood the bathroom just before Brookie was born. I remember that day and the "Sorry mommy" I got from Kamber. So I cleaned her up and the floor not angry, but grateful that I still have times like these even if it is a big pain in the butt. She followed me into the laundry room where I put the brown colored clothes in the sink with water and Oxyclean. (love that stuff) I set the oxyclean on the counter next to me with the cap not fully tightened in case I needed a little more. Little did I know Brookie was standing right behind me. She grabbed the broom that was behind us and swung the handle around and whipped me in the back and on the the counter knocking the liquid oxyclean bottle on the floor pouring everywhere. What the... yes again another mess to clean within minutes. Some days are just like that, but I would rather have a mess than not have her here at all!
We have often said since she passed away that she spent much of her time telling Brookie all her little secrets to keep us on our toes. I think she knows that we would be lost without a child to remind us so much of her. So I'm sure Brookie learned alot from her big sister at a young age. Remember Brookie was only 3 months old when Kamber passed. I do believe that little children come straight from the presence of our Heavenly Father and that the veil is very thin. I do believe that those who have passed on come around us often. I feel that this is a very special blessing and that Brookie knows Kamber better than we do, but as she ages the veil won't be so thin and she will forget. This all goes along with Heavenly Father's plan and begins our purpose here on earth.
Anyways.. WHAT THE... happened today. Not to say that it doesn't happen often, but today made me laugh somewhat. I was in the bathroom coloring some of my gray hairs. Yes, I already have gray hair. I have been doomed from both sides of my family. Brookie was along side me, but my concentration was mostly in the mirror putting color on my own head which isn't an easy task. I could hear her right next to me as happy as could be. I thought she was messing with the little potty chair that I think she is almost ready to start trying to use. FYI, the potty chair has been cloroxed and not used for many years. I finished with my coloring and look down at Brookie thinking she had been such a good girl to see her laying on the floor scooting around in bronzing powder. This is a shimmery bronzing powder for your body that I bought awhile back. I don't use it often, but I don't want it to go to waste either. My tile floor was covered in almost the whole container of powder and Brookie was having a hay day slipping across the floor in it. She sparkled like bronze colored star. What the... are you kidding me. Immediately I heard her say in her cute little voice "Sorry mommy." The last time I had a big mess like this was when Kamber decided to flood the bathroom just before Brookie was born. I remember that day and the "Sorry mommy" I got from Kamber. So I cleaned her up and the floor not angry, but grateful that I still have times like these even if it is a big pain in the butt. She followed me into the laundry room where I put the brown colored clothes in the sink with water and Oxyclean. (love that stuff) I set the oxyclean on the counter next to me with the cap not fully tightened in case I needed a little more. Little did I know Brookie was standing right behind me. She grabbed the broom that was behind us and swung the handle around and whipped me in the back and on the the counter knocking the liquid oxyclean bottle on the floor pouring everywhere. What the... yes again another mess to clean within minutes. Some days are just like that, but I would rather have a mess than not have her here at all!
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