What The...

As I have mentioned before, Kamber was a very busy child. She was always into something and usually there was quite a mess within minutes. You never wanted to take your eyes off her. She was very smart and could figure anything out, even if it was something dangerous. She was an explorer and so smart for her age.

We have often said since she passed away that she spent much of her time telling Brookie all her little secrets to keep us on our toes. I think she knows that we would be lost without a child to remind us so much of her. So I'm sure Brookie learned alot from her big sister at a young age. Remember Brookie was only 3 months old when Kamber passed. I do believe that little children come straight from the presence of our Heavenly Father and that the veil is very thin. I do believe that those who have passed on come around us often. I feel that this is a very special blessing and that Brookie knows Kamber better than we do, but as she ages the veil won't be so thin and she will forget. This all goes along with Heavenly Father's plan and begins our purpose here on earth.

Anyways.. WHAT THE... happened today. Not to say that it doesn't happen often, but today made me laugh somewhat. I was in the bathroom coloring some of my gray hairs. Yes, I already have gray hair. I have been doomed from both sides of my family. Brookie was along side me, but my concentration was mostly in the mirror putting color on my own head which isn't an easy task. I could hear her right next to me as happy as could be. I thought she was messing with the little potty chair that I think she is almost ready to start trying to use. FYI, the potty chair has been cloroxed and not used for many years. I finished with my coloring and look down at Brookie thinking she had been such a good girl to see her laying on the floor scooting around in bronzing powder. This is a shimmery bronzing powder for your body that I bought awhile back. I don't use it often, but I don't want it to go to waste either. My tile floor was covered in almost the whole container of powder and Brookie was having a hay day slipping across the floor in it. She sparkled like bronze colored star. What the... are you kidding me. Immediately I heard her say in her cute little voice "Sorry mommy." The last time I had a big mess like this was when Kamber decided to flood the bathroom just before Brookie was born. I remember that day and the "Sorry mommy" I got from Kamber. So I cleaned her up and the floor not angry, but grateful that I still have times like these even if it is a big pain in the butt. She followed me into the laundry room where I put the brown colored clothes in the sink with water and Oxyclean. (love that stuff) I set the oxyclean on the counter next to me with the cap not fully tightened in case I needed a little more. Little did I know Brookie was standing right behind me. She grabbed the broom that was behind us and swung the handle around and whipped me in the back and on the the counter knocking the liquid oxyclean bottle on the floor pouring everywhere. What the... yes again another mess to clean within minutes. Some days are just like that, but I would rather have a mess than not have her here at all!

Walking, So Good For Mind, Body and Soul

Well I am half way through my pregnancy and up till this point it has flown by. My body hadn't change too dramatically at first. I was actually still running up till a couple weeks ago. The past couple of weeks by body has definitely blown up. To me my stomach has got huge, so huge that people are making comments about how fast I have suddenly grown. I guess it is always a matter of time when you are pregnant. People also need to understand that I have big babies they are always around 9 lbs. 2 weeks early, which is way I am induced at 38 week. Therefore my stomach is bigger than the average women while pregnant.

(Here is my growing belly-21wks)


I do enjoy staying active during my pregnancies. This time I continued my running routine after I got past the first trimester of being horribly tired. Since my sudden growth spurt my stomach has hurt to bad to feel the jarring effects of running, so I have slowed it down to a walk. This pregnancy I have really enjoyed my walks in the morning. I am usually up close to when the sun is just coming up. Since Kamber passed away I have noticed I enjoy getting up early and exercising especially outside. It is good for my soul. I really take the time to enjoy all the beauty around me. I notice the flowers that are blooming and the beautiful colors. I notice the shapes of the leaves on the trees and how green they are during the spring. Walking gives me time to reflex on my life. I think of my life before Kamber left this earth and how easy and enjoyable everything seemed. At the time I couldn't imagine how life could get any better. Now looking back life was pretty close to perfect, but I was so blind to a lot of things. I enjoyed life, but not so sure I appreciated it as much as I do now. I also reflect on my life now and the day that my world changed. I have to admit that I do have times that I am walking down the street with tears rolling down my face. Maybe that is part of why I go in the morning, not as many people around. Exercise helps me to release all that built up energy that I hold on to during the day. I tend to feel so much better on the days that I get out and do my walk. Oh, and one other added benefit is that my body is able to stay in some what good shape through my pregnancy. I have always really enjoyed being active, I like to be in good shape and healthy. But now my exercise has changed me in ways more than just my body, it is to keep me sane and remembering how important the little things in life are.

Heavenly Father has really created a beautiful earth for us all to enjoy. I know bad and sad things happen all the time around us. If we can just remember who created everything beautiful and happy and remember that we get to return to him it can bring moments of pure happiness and strength to endure. If you are not sure if there is a God or that he really cares for you just take a moment and slow life down for a minute. Look at all the beauty around you, it was all created for you. Signs of his love are all around.

Spring Break

Yes, we were one of the ones that stayed home for spring break this year. It was actually kind of nice and relaxing. We just hung out, went to a St. Patricks Day party at the park with some friends from our ward which was a lot of fun and of course I didn't bring my camera. When do I ever remember to bring my camera or charge it for that matter. I keeping hoping that someday my forgetfulness will ware off. My husband is convinced that it is here to stay. I think I drive him the most crazy with it.

Anyways... I took Brookie to the park with Kylie and a niece of mine. I don't do this very often because Brookie would stay for hours on end and I have to pry her little death grip hands from the slide when it is time to go home, but since the weather was great I thought what the heck!
Kylie enjoyed playing in the sand and Brookie enjoyed posing for pictures as she went down the slide. Miss Tayler is MIA, because she was off with friends this day.









Brookie has turned into quite the mommy. I think she is the first child to actually like playing with dolls. She loves this obnoxious doll that my sister gave her for Christmas. All this baby does is crawl around and say Mama, Mama and start whaling. As if I don't hear that enough already. Anyways, Brookie insists on putting the obnoxious crawling doll in her stroller and push her around after me. Then she gets angry when the doll won't stay in place. It is quite funny. Maybe that is how I react when my little one gets into everything and makes a mess and won't just stay in place. :/ HaHa Despite the annoying doll I enjoy watching Brookie grow and having her follow me around. Life would be boring without my little ones.

Don't mind the booty shot in this picture, at least it isn't one of my children!








I'm considering combining my family blog with this blog. As you can see I obviously have a hard time keeping up with them both. I actually have 4 blogs I am a part of. It is a lot to keep track of, so I am thinking of combining the two to make life more simple. This blog is to write about life after Kamber and our family continues to go on so why not have it be together!






If you continue to scroll down I have two more posts to try and catch up on life at our home.

Long over Due!

I have not yet posted pictures from Kamber's Birthday in February. Shame on me, but I need to get it posted so that I have it documented not just in my head. It was a beautiful day! We woke up to balloons on our home and down our street. The girls always love getting to see this on their way to school. They even made the comment that it made their day and that they were sure that Kamber was happy about the balloons for her birthday. I totally agree with them. I finished up some last minute things I was putting together for Kamber's birthday and before I knew it, it was time to head to the cemetery to see our baby girl and decorate her grave. Oh, how awful that last sentence sounds but it is our reality and a very bitter sweet one at that.

We did our usual balloon release, which is my favorite. I love pretending that all the balloons make it to heaven for Kamber.

We cleaned her grave and put things down that remind us of her. It is nice to be able to give her something.

After the cemetery we headed off to our home for a party in Kamber's honor. We celebrate like she we did when she was here. We had sub sandwiches and all kinds of sides. We did a pinata for the kids, which they all seem to love. Then we had cake and ice cream. I think this is one of my girls favorite parts because they get to blow out the candles for Kamber. It is sooo sweet. Then before every one went home we had a little gift from Kamber. I had a bag for each family filled wit Hershey kisses and on the outside it said "Kisses from Kamber." Since there are no presents to open for my little one I tried to think of a little gift that each family could open as a gift from Kamber. Who wouldn't want a kiss from Kamber? I know I do, I long for it everyday.

Here are all the kisses from Kamber!!!

Though leading up to her birthday seems to always be hard I am grateful to have a day to celebrate her life. We are so grateful to have had Kamber for the two and a half years we did. She changed our world during that time and continues to influence us today. We love you Kamber girl!

Our Weekend at the SnOw!

A few weeks ago we headed up to one of our favorite spots for the weekend. Eager is one of our most favorite places to go. We have really taken a liking to it since our last complete family vacation almost 2 years ago. It was the last vacation that we took Kamber on and it was a ton of fun! We love Eager in the summer for the great weather and getting to go quad riding and the winter months are great for the snow.

It was really cold there. The high that weekend if I remember right was in the mid to upper 40's. The heater in the cabin wasn't working all that well so it made for some fun but uncomfortable nights of snuggling with Ethan and Brookie in the small bed we were sharing. Needless to say the cold is what we had come for right? Otherwise there would be no snow for Sledding!!! And that is just what we did!

We went over by Sunrise and took the girls sledding along with the fun friends we had come along for the winter wonderland retreat! The kids had a blast sledding down the fun hills and I enjoyed watching at the bottom of the mountain trying not to get run over. This is the second time we have gone sledding as a family and I have been pregnant both times. I don't know why we chose to go at these times, it is a bummer not to be able to sled with my girls but as long as they are having fun I am too.

We had Tayler take Brookie down to see if she would like it. Kylie wanted to take Brookie down also, but after watching Kylie attack the hills like she did we realized she was too crazy and wild to have her take Brookie. Kylie evidently has NO fear, but she was alot of fun to watch! So, Brookie went for a ride with Tay Tay.

After this ride Brookie fell in love with sledding. Her and Kylie are two peas in a pod, NO FEAR! Brookie insisted on riding down the hill on a sled of her own. Thank goodness the Schads brought a couple extra sleds or there would have been some fights going on. So Ethan would walk Brookie up the hill, put her on the saucer and send her down with a big smile on her face. She would hop off and say Again, Again! That became Ethan's job, walking Brookie up the hill and sending her on her way.

Thanks Amy and Kaleb for a fun time!

In My Mind, This Deserves A Post

I know I am going to embarrass my husband right now, but I wanted to write this down.

I have been down in the dumps the past couple of days. Our pool cleaning system broke a while ago and our pool has changed from clear to a greenish color. Gross! Anyways, Ethan decided that it was time to clean and shock the pool. He was outside with his workers fixing the pipes, running the waterfall while dumping all the chemicals in to clean it up. Brookie heard the water and wanted to be outside. She was so fascinated with the water, I guess she is getting to that age and that scares me. Anyways, I sat outside with her watching her daddy at work. This is where the change in me began.

Since Kamber has died I really do not like our pool that much. It depresses me alot of the time. Others pools don't affect me unless someone is letting their kid lay on their tummy in the pool and float. I guess the reason why I struggle so much is because I was the one that saw Kamber in the pool lifeless. I am the one that pulled her out. Everyone else saw her after the fact, not that it is any less traumatic. That is what I feel has affect me so much. I think it was expected that I would be very timid right after Kamber died to get back into the pool. Last year I would push myself to be in the pool. My girls love swimming. It is nice to have something to do during the hot summer days and nights. Some days I could handle it pretty good and other days I put on a really good show for my family. I wanted to do it for them. My girls happiness and normalcy is important to me. Seeing them happy makes me happy.

So anyways... I feel having the pool up and running again has got me down. Floods of memories of the day Kamber died have consumed my mind and as much as I fight them they have seemed to stick around. Today I have felt better. I do expect times like these and expect them for the rest of my life. At lest now I can remember the good and happy times with Kamber along with the tragic events so that I don't spiral out of control.

Anyways, the reason for this post is because of my husband. What a sweetheart he is. Evidently he left me a note with some money on my phone before I went out to spend some time with my mom. Kylie found Brookie walking around with a decent amount of money and brought it to me. I thought this morning that Ethan had accidentally dropped it so I put it on his desk and we left. When I got home I called Ethan to see how things were going at work and he asked me if I had got the note and money he left for me. I told him no and then realized that the money Brookie was holding was for me. Then I looked on the ground in the office and found the note. It brought tears to my eyes as I read it. The note told me how much he appreciates me and loves me and the kids. It also read that he knows I have been sad and that he would do anything to help cheer me up. He wants me to be happy. The money was for me to spend on just myself and to have a fun day with my mom. Those are words to sooth anyone's heart, especially when it is coming from the man you love. At this point the money doesn't mean anything to me, just knowing how much he appreciates, loves and cares for me goes further than any amount of money ever could. Though, money is always fun to spend when you are down. Maybe another day.

Thanks Ethan! I Love You!

I have some NEWS!

Yesterday I had my ultrasound. I have a love hate relationship with these. I love getting to know the gender of my babies and know if everything is okay, but I hate all the water you have to drink before. Thirty two ounces of water within the hour before you have to be seen is a lot when you don't get to pee. We already have so many things pressing on our bladders as it is and it is a horrible feeling knowing you are about to pee your pants and you are not aloud to just let it go. Needless to say, it is worth it in the end to know everything is okay and what you are having.

The ultrasound appointment went well and everything looks great with our baby. I really wanted to know what we were having for sure and Ethan said that he would rather not find out. He let me have my way since I don't deal with the unknown all that well. Let me just say that our baby is not shy one bit. Legs were spread wide open for us to get a good shot and know for sure. So with no further to do, WE ARE HAVING A...BOY!!! That is just crazy to say and seems so surreal. I can't believe it is really happening. I kind of got use to the fact of having all girls and didn't get my hopes up to much because chances were good that we would have another girl.

Kamber's passing away 2 years ago has kind of changed our perspective on life. Everyone really seemed to want us to have a boy really bad. Before Kamber's passing I could honestly say that we really did want a boy. And this time the thought of a boy would be great! But having another girl would be great also. Having 4 girls in our home once again would feel similar to when Kamber was here. Brookie will be the exact same age Kamber was when Brookie was born. It is crazy how things work out. Anyways... since Heavenly Father felt that a boy is what is to be we are sooo happy to have have him. Actually more than happy, we are sooo excited!!!

Boy life will be so different I am sure. A little scary I think, but alot of fun! I have lots of nephews that are sooo cute. They bring a smile to my face every time I see them. Now I will have a cute little one running around too.

We are kind of stuck on a name for our little one. We know his nickname will be Max. I have chosen this name for a special reason. Here is the story behind the name Max...

In my moms family there are 6 kids. My mom is the youngest. Before she was ever thought of the fist boy in my mom's family after 3 girls was cute Max. At the age of 3 Max was killed in an accident. My mom never knew him,but she remembers seeing his little booties and a blanket in a chest at her home. I guess Grandma and Grandpa chose to not talk about him much, maybe it was to painful, which I can understand. The older girls remember what a sweet cute boy he was, but also the sadness of that day. Since Max's passing my Grandpa and Grandma had another boy and then another girl who was my mom. Since Kamber's passing I have felt a deep connection to the uncle I never met, but my heart is tied to. My grandparents were fairly older when I was born and my Grandma died in a car accident when I was 3. I never really got to know her and I miss that. After loosing a child myself I feel that I know my grandparents so much more than I ever could. I have felt the pain that they endured through their life. I can understand part of them as I am sure they do me. Their story and Max are important to me, someone in my own family that understands, we share that bond even though it is through the veil. That is why I would like to name this boy after Max my uncle.

We don't want his first name to just be Max, we would like it within a name. I do have a cousin that has named one of her boys Max, I'm sure it is after our uncle and I don't want to take that from her. I would like to have the middle name after my husband, but he isn't so thrilled about that. He doesn't like either of his names and doesn't think it is all that important to name a child after yourself. I think it would be nice just in case we don't have another boy. My husbands name is Ethan Richard. I think either one would be great, but he likes the idea of my dads middle name Burton or a random name Ryan. So I think I am going to do a poll of names that we like and we would love for you to vote on what you like. I think it will be fun to see what is most popular and maybe it can help us decide.

Thanks for listening through this long post and I will be posting soon about our trip to the snow last weekend. It was lots of fun!

Proactive Solution

When you have kids you hear funny things all the time. Definitely at my house you are bound to hear something off the wall. My daughter Kylie is known for the funny things she says and at times being brutally honest. Kylie is a cuddle bug and loves to make you laugh.

Last week she woke up one morning with a couple bumps on her face. She was embarrassed to know that she had a few pimples. Really they weren't even that noticeable. Anyways... as I dropped her off for school her last words to me were "Hey mom, don't forget to get me Proactive Solution for my pimples!" Tayler insists that "Skin Id" is better than Proactive because they said so on their commercial. Kids... what would we do without them? Life definitely wouldn't be as funny!


Girls thanks for a good laugh and reminding me how wonderful and innocent little kids are. I Love You BOTH!

Lots of things

There has been a lot of things on my mind here lately. I have been trying to decide what to post for a while now.

The past week I have been preparing my lesson for next Sunday when I teach all the young women in our ward. This is a little more nerve racking since I will have all the leaders listening to me other than just the girls. I want to do a good job and keep their attention. My lesson is on being a peacemaker. It is a lesson that has taught me alot and since preparing it I have been trying to be more aware of how I act and try to be a peacemaker. In doing so it does bring a sense of calm to your life. I am able to handle somethings more easily. So I am excited to teach this lesson!

Yesterday was my brother in laws b-day! His family celebrated his b-day and his sons b-day yesterday since they will be going back to Colorado soon. It was nice to see them again and get to visit with family. I enjoyed watching all the little kids play and have fun. It was a nice night!

Then after the b-day party I headed off to my friend Valerie and Amy's shoe party. These are my friends in my old ward so I was excited to see all my friends that I haven't seen in a while. Amy and Valerie didn't only have shoes, they also had purses,sunglasses,cute jeans,and scentsy candles! Her home was packed with lots of ladies enjoying a good time together shopping. I loved getting to chit chat with all my friends, they are all beautiful women inside and out. I know some of them are struggling with some things right now, but they still had their beautiful smiles on their face even though I know there is hurt inside them. I haven't been through this same trial that some of them are going through, but I can say that I know how bad it hurts to want something that you aren't able to have right now. It didn't feel right to say it to them last night but girls if you are reading this know that I think of you often and can feel a little bit of your hurt, I know I don't fully understand but I care for you.:) Anyways... I loved visiting with all of you ladies last night!!!

So the past couple of days I have been worried. I have not felt my baby move in days when just days and weeks before I really could feel this baby wiggle around. I really started getting nervous 2 nights ago. I did everything to feel this baby move. Finally yesterday I realized that if this baby was not going to make it that it was out of my hands. I drank the huge amount of cold water and laid on my side yesterday afternoon after hours of trying to feel the baby move and nothing. I did what the doctors say to do and nothing. I left for the parties yesterday feeling a little sad, not knowing if I should panic and insist that I get into the doctor today or just wait till my ultrasound on Monday and let what was to be,to be. I decided to just be patient and realize I have no control. I seemed to feel some peace with that decision. Of course at the parties people were asking about the baby and if I knew what I was having. "Monday" I would say and in the back of my mind thinking about how it had been days since I had felt the baby move. Why is it that when we just give up and let things be that Heavenly Father sends us tender mercies?Maybe it is because the hard times make us more humble? But late last night I felt some fluttering, nothing like I had felt before but some hope that it wasn't gas! ha ha Then I woke in the middle of the night for my ritual potty time and I felt stronger movements and then again this morning. What a relief, my baby was just playing hide and seek. I am so thankful for that reassurance from my Heavenly Father. I am thankful for tender mercies, I have had many throughout my life and it is amazing as I look back on them, they have been through the hardest times in my life. Times when to me my prayers weren't being answered the way I wanted but the way that Heavenly Father intended, but I seem to always be lifted up in some way even though it wasn't my way.

Not a day goes by without thinking of her

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Kamber. She is the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing when I wake. I think of her and then it quickly goes away for a moment while I hurry and get my girls ready for school in the morning. The thoughts of her quickly return on my way home from dropping my girls off. I remember the morning rides with Kamber in the back seat wanting to open the gate when we returned home from dropping the girls off for school. As soon as I get back home I race to clean up the house as fast as I can before Brookie wakes, which isn't long. While I am cleaning thoughts of Kamber always enter my head. The thoughts that usually swirl in my mind are often of the day she died, the week leading up to the funeral, the dressing of her,viewing, and funeral. I wish my mind wouldn't focus on these sad things, which wasn't always sad. There were many very spiritual times during that week. I wish that more often that I would think of the time that she lived. The thoughts of her running around, laughing, playing, being silly, and being naughty, Oh! I would take naughty over being gone.

Thank goodness those sad thoughts pass and I can think and focus on the happy times. My girls make it easy for that to happen especially Brookie. She doesn't look like Kamber's twin but she acts just like her. It blows my mind how similar they are. We love that we get to see those traits in Brookie. It would be sad to never see the silly traits of Kamber ever again.

I am grateful for my quite mornings to think of Kamber and then the afternoon and evenings when my family reminds me of things that I may have forgot. I love my family, each person is so special and serves a very special purpose in our home.

Who doesn't Like Nursery? My kiddos

I don't know why it is, but my kids do not like nursery. I have yet to have a child that enjoys it. What is there not to love. Two hours of playing with toys, singing, and having yummy snacks. I guess that doesn't count as fun to my girls. Tayler would scream until she would throw up, Kylie would sream, but they wouldn't let that last long knowing what happened with Tayler, Kamber wanted nothing to do with it, in fact she didn't like church at all. She was the hardest child to take to church. My heavenly child that doesn't like church, that is kind of funny to think about. Brookie has been in nursery for a while and I have yet to have her stay 5 minutes after I leave.



This past week Ethan was sick so I took the kids to church by myself. Sacrament meeting wasn't all that bad, but that is probably because I sat in the foyer. Brookie was able to roam and that seemed to help her be more happy. Then I took her to nursery. That went pretty good for the first hour. She did keep checking to make sure I was still there from time to time, but she seemed to enjoy it. Then it came time that I had to leave to teach in Young Womens. I snuck out the door and stood for a while and heard no crying, I thought I was home free. About 10 mins. later I heard crying down the hall and sure enough it was Brookie. Thank goodness she was pretty good in Young Womens and then a friend of mine took Brookie out for a walk and tried taking Brookie into nursery to play for a while. Brookie's happiness was then shot and she was in tears again. By the time they made it back to me my lesson was over and it was time to go home. Maybe the boogie man lives in the nursery closets, I don't know, again another child that doesn't care for it. Somehow we need to break this cycle because for now Ethan takes her home to chase her around. It is either chasing her at home or chase her in the halls for 2 hours getting nothing out of church. Either way nursery should be fun, I guess mommy and daddy are more fun than any other toys.:)

This is what I do have

For Kamber's Birthday I decorated my home with some pictures of Kamber along with Valentine decorations to give it a happy feel. This is one of the pictures I had displayed on the counter. The picture is in a frame that says SISTERS. I have let the pictures stay out for our family to look at a little longer till they get moved back to the bedrooms and are not as noticeable everyday. I have enjoyed seeing this picture everyday and have it remind me that Yes, I really to have 4 girls. I have been noticing as I study this picture that my girls really do look alot alike. I never really thought that before even though I have heard this many times.

So I have reminisced on the day we took this picture and I remember how happy we all were and how very sweet all my girls were with welcoming Brookie to our family. They each were so patient waiting their turn to hold their baby sister.

Yes, I do have 4 girls, this is my family. I feel that Kamber is here very often so to me things haven't change all that much. I'm still trying to get use to not seeing her and just feeling her presence. It sometimes takes me by surprise still when I'm out and about and I hear. "So you are pregnant with your fourth then." My response is always "actually my 5th" and then I have to remind myself that Kamber's presence is so real to me and my family but that she can't be seen. That is right you can't see one of my beautiful daughters. But if anyone ever wants to know about the one that can't be seen but who's presence is strong and wonderful I will be happy to tell all about her anytime!

Happy Birthday Kamber!

Kamber's 2 yr. birthday!

Four years ago today I gave birth to our third beautiful baby girl! Four years, I cant believe it. Time has flown by so fast and yet at times it has gone so slow. My first two girls are 16 months apart and since that wore me out we waited 31/2 years before we got Kamber. Before we got pregnant I kept having the feeling that we were suppose to have another child, but I didn't feel quite ready. I put off that feeling for about 6 months and Kamber was conceived the very month we thought that maybe we would think about having another child. She was suppose to be a part of our family, we knew that form the start. Little did we know that she would only be with us for a short while. She was a great new addition to our family and brought so much happiness and joy. We still as a family talk about all the funny things she did that made us laugh on a daily basis. She was here to teach us about pure love and the happiness that life can bring. She is a special light in our lives even today as we think about the beautiful girl that she is.



Like I said 4 yrs old, wow! I have thought and wondered what she would look like today. To me when you are 4 you are no longer a toddler. Your looks change so much and you start acting more like a little girl. It does make me alittle sad when I try to picture her as a young girl and can't. My girls were even saying today that it feels like she is turning 2 again. I know what they mean, her 2 yr. old birthday was the last one we had for her months before she died.



Regardless for all the sad memories we are happy to celebrate her birthday and have a party for her with all of our family and close friends! So here's to Kamber turning 4 and all the fun times we had with her!

Kamber's Birthday is Coming

Kamber's birthday is in 10 days. I can't believe how fast time is flying by. My little girl would be 4 yrs. old this year. I can't believe it! I have tried to picture what she would look like now, but I can't. I wonder what she would be saying now, but I can't. I still picture her as my little 2 1/2 yr. old blond haired girl. I often wonder what life would be like now taking her to preschool and seeing all the new things she would be learning. It would be fun to watch her play with Brookie and would she understand that she would be a big sister again?

Time ticks by before we know it and I am planning another party for my child who is not here. But it will be a day filled with memories of her and happiness for the time we spent with her. We will do the same things as last year, which I think made it a happy day for all. Anyone that would like is invited to come, just send me a comment so I can plan on you!

Maybe you were wondering?

I finally had my doctors appointment last Monday. I had been waiting a long time for it. I was excited to go and find out how my baby was doing. I got checked in and filled out the paper work that you always have to do with a new pregnancy. My hubby came with me and I was grateful for that. As I was waiting I started getting really nervous. I told my husband that if they didn't call me back soon that I was going to leave, the anxiety was building. Next thing I knew I burst into tears. Emotions that I didn't expect came on too fast of pace for me to control them and it seemed like the more I tried, the more I cried. I told Ethan that I don't think I could do this. How could I bring another child into this world and feel that joy when I have lost one? Maybe I can't handle four kids and now I am doing it again. The struggle within me was coming out. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I guess there is still guilt along with grief. I will be grateful for the day that I don't have spouts of the overwhelming guilt and grief.

Anyways people were looking and probably thinking I'm just one of those emotional pregnant
women, which I guess I am. Nurses wanted to know what was going on. My doctor understood because he came to Kamber's viewing. He reassured me I wasn't crazy and I get to go back on meds! The meds seem to help with some of the anxiety. Since I wasn't quite sure how far along I was we scheduled for an ultrasound 2 days later.

We went to the ultrasound with no problems this time. I was able to go in and just enjoy seeing my baby kicking around. Everything looked great and I am 12 weeks pregnant! My husband asked the nurse to just check and see if she had an idea of the sex of the baby. She told us that all babies this early normally look like boys but depending on the angle of the nub and other little factors it can give an indication if the nub will disappear. To her it looks like this one is going to be.......... a boy! Don't get to excited, it can change and if that is the case we will be happy anyway. We are just grateful for the children that we have. Anyways... I will continue to keep you posted on how things are going!

How's Your Faith?

Life will always bring different challenges. Sometimes we go through a period that we just seem to soar through life and things are great. At these times it is easy for our faith in Christ to be strong and never ending. How is your faith ? when times are different than what you want them to be. I have always considered my faith to be strong, even in tough times. I feel that I have been able to press forward through the thick and the thin. I have to admit that over the past year and a half I have noticed that I second guess myself and Heavenly Father from time to time. I guess my confidence that Christ knows best is lacking a bit. I hear Ethan say from time to time, How is your Faith? This is one thing I thought that I had him beat on in the spiritual department.

We have some things to think about and things that we are praying for. I am trying really hard to let my faith in Christ take over and know that he knows whats best for us. So as I was sitting this morning thinking about my prayers the thought came to me, How's your faith? I quickly realized that my lack of confidence isn't so much in Christ, but in myself. Will I recognize that answer to our prayers and accept what is to be? I hope I can and become stronger because of it.

Gotta Watch!

I love, love, love this song. Be ready for tears, but well worth it!!!

I hope you feel the sweet spirit of this song. It gives me strength to endure when times are hard. Such a simple reminder to turn to our Heavenly Father and know we can make it through anything.

Remember to pause my music on my blog before watching.

Christmas, to see Kamber

Christmas this year was wonderful. We had a simple Christmas and I loved the spirit of that day. We of course went to visit Kamber's grave and set some decorations. I really enjoyed being at the cemetery this year. There is a special spirit at the cemetery on Christmas, a feeling so different then the other times I go. It hits your heart as you pull in and see all the people that are also there to visit their loved ones graves. The cemetery is decked out with wreaths and red and green everywhere. It is a beautiful site to see. This Christmas there was absolute peace. We cleaned her beautiful headstone and added decorations just for her, perfect. I was glad I didn't feel an overwhelming sadness and could just be at peace on this special day.

We continue to miss Kamber everyday. She is on our minds and always in our hearts. We are excited for this new baby to come, but it doesn't fill the hole in our hearts that Kamber left. We continue to be grateful for our blessings and know that we wouldn't survive without the love of our Heavenly Father.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas season and New Year!

Merry Christmas!

We got a special gift from Kamber this year!
We are having another little baby Girl or Boy!

The month I am due is not known yet, but I will keep you all updated.

It is exciting that Kamber already knows who is coming to our family. It would be fun to know all the things she is telling the little one. Kamber will be there to send this special child to our home and there to welcome them home, when that time comes. We feel very blessed to have this new child and blessed to have Kamber on the other side. Our hearts are full this Christmas and we are so very thankful for our family.

Merry Christmas everyone! Love the Larsen's

Bad Prayer

I love my Kylie. She has such a tender heart. The other night she came into my room just sobbing. All I heard come out of her mouth was "I said a bad prayer" and some other mumbling. I took her by the hand and had her sit on my bed to try and calm her down. She finally calmed down enough that I could understand her. She told me how she had said a bad prayer and that she didn't know if Heavenly Father heard her second prayer that was good. She was missing Kamber and had prayed that we all could die so we could live in heaven with Kamber. She started crying hysterically again when she told me that she really didn't want us to die, but that she just wants to be with Kamber. My heart broke as I held her close wishing I could take away her pain and explained that Heavenly Father was not going to take us away that night. He doesn't just take people away just for fun. I said a prayer with Kylie that night talking to Heavenly Father about how sad we are that Kamber is gone and that we know that we will be with her again. Kylie seemed to feel better after that and we went into her room where I laid by her side till she fell asleep.

The innocence of a child is so sweet. I love Kylie and I am so grateful that Kylie knows that she can talk to her Heavenly Father about how she feels and that if it is a bad prayer that she came come to mommy and I will do my best to make it better.