Our First

Today is a very bitter sweet day for us. Our first casket was donated today for a little 7 year old boy. Our hearts and prayers go out to the Ellsworth family.

This is how it all came to be:

If you remember I posted a while ago about our nonprofit. I expressed my frustration about not being able to raise enough money to finish even one casket. From that post we receive 2 donations. They were not large amounts of money, but they were very much appreciated and any amount is wonderful and more than we had before. I then received a tip from a friend of mine that has also lost a child. She steered me towards the Desert Club. This women's club does the Christmas Idea House each year around Christmas time. Maybe you have heard of them? They usually find a mansion and move the family out for a week and transform the home into a Christmas Wonderland. They are able to raise money this way and they do a wonderful job. They also give grants for nonprofits and scholarships to High School graduates. I was told to hurry and send in an application and give it a try for a grant. About a month later we got the phone call that we were chosen and that we need to come to the awards ceremony to receive our donation and talk about Kamber's Kaskets. We are pleased to say that we received enough money to finish the 5 caskets that we had already started. This could not have been achieved without their help. I spoke with the director of the Desert Club and she told me how it touched her heart to see our application come through. She also lost a son about 20 years ago . He was 11 years old and was hit by a car while on his bicycle. I'm finding that there are so many who have gone through this devastation, people you would never even think of. We all have our own story.

So when we got a call on Saturday about this special boy we were heartbroken for this family, but so grateful that we could finally donate to someone that needs it. I feel that this little boy was to be our first donation. Everything worked out just perfect. We had time to finish the casket, the little boy even has my husbands name, and they lived right across power from where we lost Kamber. We have friends that know this family personally and our in laws have friends in their ward that are good friends with this family. Everything seemed to come together without any hiccups or flaws.

I of course wish with all my heart that those who have come to me before this that I could have had a casket to provide for their loved ones. I think it will forever be heavy on my heart that we couldn't help before now. Even now as we were able to help this family we are finding out how emotional it is for us. Emotions come flooding back, feelings sink deep into our hearts as we hear of these sweet children that pass on. I can't explain our true feelings, but it does feel good to know that we can help and we hope that in helping others it will help to heal our heavy hearts.

So a Big Thank You to all who have helped us get to this point. We couldn't have done it without you!

Sometimes...

Sometimes you have days like Sunday 2 weeks ago and just fall to your knees, shaking and crying. Pleading with your Heavenly Father to take away the pain and the loss.
And then you have days like today when you remember the early stages of grief and remember how special those days were when your testimony of your Heavenly Fathers was strengthened during the most horrible time in your life. It's a day you can see clearly and know even though she is gone what a blessing is was to have her then and now.

Gotta Have It!

Ever year Ethan gets one of these for Valentines Day from me! Ethan seems to love it and so do I!

So yummy!:) Love You Ethan!

Happy Birthday SweetHeart!

Here is Kamber at her 1 year birthday. That day seems so long ago and yet I can remember it like yesterday. I remember getting her the cutest outfit and taking it off before she ate her cupcake so she wouldn't get it all dirty. I did a Valentines themed party with red hearts every where to show our love for her. It just seemed to fit that year. I love looking back on pictures we of have of our sweet girl and to think of all the fun memories we have of her. She truly did bless our lives in her short 2 1/2 years and in so many ways continues to bless our lives almost 3 years later.

This birthday would be a big one for her. Kamber would be turning 5 this year and going to school in the fall. It just blows my mind. What I wouldn't give to know what she would look like at this age. I'm sure she would be darling! This year her birthday seems to be a little harder on us, maybe because of the milestone the # 5 seems to be in our lives. It feels kind of ironic that this is the year that we chose to scale back on the birthday festivities. NO big party, just small and sweet. It just feels like what we are to do for this year, so that's what it is. We continue to be grateful to have Kamber a part of our Eternal Family and to be able to say She is Ours!

Happy Birthday my sweet little girl. I know you are close by today! Love You!

It is so Fun having aTwo year old in the House!

After Kamber passed away our house was soooo quiet. The laughter and excitement that Kamber created was gone. I think a lot of that had to do with Kamber's age. I love it when my kids are 2 years old. They are so funny and vibrant. Everything is so dramatic and over the top.

Brookie has surpassed Kamber's age by a few months and is now getting closer to 3 than 2, but she is still a bundle of joy. The laughter and excitement is in our home again and sometimes I love just sitting back and listening.

This picture above is one of Brookie's favorite things to do. She has surround sound headphones on and is watching How To Train Your Dragon on the DVD player in Ethan's office. She has become addicted to that movie and I have to admit it is one of my favorites too!

Brookie loves yogurt and this time I wonder if she got any in her mouth. To have a face like that, it must have been really good!

Here is a picture Ethan took of Brookie. She like Kamber loves to wear other people's shoes and on this day she choose daddy's flip flops and helped herself to a cupcake.

We love this age and sad that soon it will pass with our Brookie girl, but I know there are many more things she will do that will be so fun as she grows up. We have learned that from Tayler and Kylie. Our girls make us so Happy!

Frustrated!

Where do I begin? Life can be so crazy and hectic sometimes. I know as a mom I sometimes feel like I never get a break. I hear my name all day long, I drive kids all over most days, there is always something to be at or doing, there are always things I could be doing better. I know there are many times I just fall short. But then I hear of all the sadness in the world and I am glad to be right where I am at.

About a year ago we started our non-profit Kamber's Kaskets. This came after a lot of thought and prayer. Then M.I.S.S Foundation offered for us to team up with them. We are separate nonprofits with the same purpose. If you haven't lost a child there is good chance you haven't heard of them. They support families after the loss of a child. I actually got a folder with their information when I left the hospital without my Kamber. They do everything from helping with the funeral costs to therapy and camps for siblings who have lost a brother or sister. It is a great foundation that was started by a mother here in Arizona and it is now international.

I posted a year ago about the 5 caskets that we had started. These were funded by ourselves and then we have received a few hundred dollars at the beginning which helped with some of the costs. I don't know if it is the economy or what, but we still have not been able to raise enough money to fully finish even one of the caskets. Our cost to build one of these beautiful caskets is close to the cost of buying one of the white caskets from the funeral home. I don't want to offend anyone who has had to buy one of these for you children, but these caskets at the funeral home are disappointing. You would think that a casket for a child would be the most beautiful. It saddens be to see what most of us have to bury our children in. That is why we started our nonprofit and what a blessing it would be to have one donated when we are blindsided with the loss of a child and the cost of funeral expenses.

Since a year ago I have had about 6 people contact me looking to see if we could donate. That is one every two months and is only from people that read my blog. There is a great need! I have heard of many more instances that I wanted desperately to contribute to but couldn't. It literally rips into my heart each time I have to turn someone down. And one of those days was Wednesday of this week.

I'm not asking for my readers to donate money. But I am asking for you to keep us on your mind. Talk about Kamber's Kaskets, maybe someone will hear about us that can help. Maybe someone looking to sponsor a nonprofit will hear of us. If you know of successful fund raising that we could do let us know. We have done a couple boutiques that were to raise money and when it came down to it the people decided not to give the money. So, those make me nervous. I do not want Kamber's name to be used for some one's benefit and own profit. So keep us in mind and hopefully soon we can finish these 5 caskets to be able to help someone in need. Who knows maybe someday we can be helping throughout the country to families during their darkest hour and they will know that they are not alone.

Thanks again for all the love and support that all of my readers have given. You truly have played a positive roll in my life!!!

Visit Kamber's website http://www.kamberskaskets.com/ and the M.I.S.S. Foundation website http://www.misschildren.org/.

Only Boy

I guess this is what happens when you are the only boy among sisters. This made me laugh and realize we really might need to try and add another boy to our home. Sorry Max, but you'll have to wait a while- mommy's not ready yet.

Are You Ready?

I have some updating to do, so I will do my best to keep it short and sweet.
In November soccer ended. The girls had a blast playing and did very well especially with it being their first season.

Tayler scored 3 goals this season and Kylie scored 1. They both really enjoyed the positions they played and Kylie was even told she might be too aggressive for her age group. Kylie was never mean out on the field but she was going to get the ball if it was coming her way. So this season she is playing on a team with boys and girls. Kylie has a boy that is 5'3 and Kylie has no problem going up against him during practice. She loves soccer and now says she wants to be a professional soccer player when she grows up.

Tayler did very well but isn't quite as aggressive but can definitely hold her own. She says soccer was fun but volleyball is what she really wants to do. So this winter season she is playing volleyball and her first game is Saturday. She did a great job at her first practice! She serves over the net and can bump the ball very well. We are excited for her!

Thanksgiving came in a flash. We did dinner at my home with my side of the family. Ethan made an awesome turkey and it was a nice relaxing day. I did make Kamber shirts and with family and friends did the Turkey Trot in the morning. I shaved almost 10 minutes off my time and it was a lot of fun this year!

Before I knew it Christmas Eve was here and I of course was not prepared with presents wrapped. My family comes over on Christmas Eve and we do dinner and they stay the night so they are here when Santa comes. My mom always gives pj's and a toy to the kids on Christmas Eve.

As I was wrapping presents I found a gift bag that was for Kamber on her last Christmas. It broke my heart. Tears welled up in my eyes. Here I am two and a half years later crying over things that we miss with her being gone. I didn't have the heart to use that bag, so I set it aside, sucked it up and even said THIS SUCKS! and continued wrapping gifts reminding myself that she really is still her with us.

Christmas was a good day. I enjoyed my time with all my family. We meet with the Larsen side at about noon on Christmas day and have dinner with them and then head to the cemetery to see our little girl. Believe it or not the cemetery is a beautiful place to be on Christmas. It is what Christmas is all about. What another great reminder of Christ's sacrifice for us. Because of him we get to be with our loved ones again!

Max and Brookie fell asleep in the car so we just let them sleep. It was quite the crazy day for them. Hope everyone had great holidays!

Me and the 4 kids

For the past 2 weeks we have had sickness running through the house. It started with me, then Ethan, Max had something funky with his stomach that I think is finally clearing up and now miss Brookie is getting the snotty nose and cough. My body can't seem to totally kick what I have, but I feel most the way better.

Today is Sunday and better yet it is the Sunday before Christmas. Probably my most favorite Sunday of the whole year. I love the spirit on this particular Sunday. The Sacrament meeting and lessons usually trump any normal Sunday. Well, this time it is Me and the 4 kids off to church by myself. Ethan has a house he is trying to finish before Christmas for a client. It gets done or there is going to be some very unhappy people on his list for the holidays. As I was getting ready for church is was thinking in my head WHY AM I DOING THIS? I don't feel 100%. Brookie has a runny nose and I am sure she doesn't feel 100% and better yet they won't let her into nursery. I knew going into it that it was going to be hard. Off we went to Sacrament and the program was absolutely beautiful. I was loving it and my girls were being good for me! Then Tayler accidentally decapitated Brookie's little Cinderella toy and the tears Broke out. Max and Brookie wanted to be held and nothing was good enough. A friend that sat behind me grabbed Max from me so I could help Brookie. Bishop got up and spoke about why we do nice things for others and why we go to church and follow our Heavenly Father. It was an answer to my question this morning. We do it because we are obedient, because we love our Heavenly Father, we love Jesus Christ, we do it for our children to strengthen them, we do all these things in our life to return to our Heavenly family and to be more like our Savior and Father.

So I am home during Sunday School about to go back to Relief Society trying to calm my younger two kiddos. Normally I would have had it by now but, today I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I feel my Father in Heaven heard my thoughts and knew my doubts about today. He knows my heart and wants me to feel of his love and I have. For some reason he continues to bless me even though I fall short of so many things. I am thankful for this tender mercy today.

Video that touched my heart

I found this video on a friends blog. It touched my heart and I knew I had to share it.

Family Photos- Love Them!

Here is just a sample of our family pictures.

Photos done by photosbytmb.com
Tara Bowman

Thankful

Hi everyone! Here I sit early Thanksgiving morning at my computer. I am up before I wanted to be up for the Turkey Trot run this morning. I haven't wanted to do another post till at least I got Halloween up, but something scary in my dream woke me and as I lay there in bed I had a feeling to come in and do this. I don't really know why, but here I am following this strong feeling. Maybe this is for someone else or maybe just what I need for me. I haven't figured that out yet.

My hands are shaking as I type and tears are so close to the surface. Okay so they are breaking through now. I haven't been this emotional in a long while. I'm going to tell you about this dream or experience early this morning and it does have something to do with Kamber. I hesitate to write because I feel like I have said it all and know it can get replayed like a tried record, but this morning it feels different and feel it is what I am to do.

The Dream: I of course was at a pool with my family and others. It was actually a friends pool and not naming any names. There was an accident with another lifeless child of mine before me. I worked on the child and I was able to get a little response from them that gave me hope.

I suddenly woke, in a panic and a sickness in my stomach. I have felt this feeling before. I just started asking Heavenly Father Why? Why do I have to go through this and on top of it why do these dreams have to reoccu?. That's when I felt I needed to write. Still 2 years and a couple months later I haven't figured out the Why? My heart still breaks in half and I still worry about my other kids being taken from me. I remember with Kamber knowing from the beginning that she wasn't coming back to me. I wasn't going to the hospital to watch them save her, but at the same time I had strong faith that she was and could be saved despite the true knowing inside. I even said that I couldn't live without her and here I sit still breathing and living. Sometimes our prayers are not answered the way we want. Somehow we push through it. So maybe this dream is to remind me what I am thankful for. My family and that Heavenly Father has been there to help me endure through my trials even when I truly thought he had abandoned me and didn't care for me at all. I'm thankful for my faith even though it didn't raise Kamber from the dead, but it is what keeps me living for the future. I am grateful for Eternal Life and to know that I will get to be with my family again. I know that I will hold Kamber in my arms again, my little girl. :) FAMILY is the BEST thing about LIFE!

Kylies Baptism

Kylie was baptized on October 9, 2009 and right after her baptism we blessed Maxton. I was a special day for our family. I am grateful for Kylies testimony and decision to be baptized and to be able to bless Max on the same day. I am thankful for the prieshood and for Ethan being able to preform the ordinances for our children.

Here are some of Kylies baptism pictures.










Pictures were done by Ryan Neville Photography.

Kylie had her Birthday party in September. She wanted to it to be aSpa party for her friends. So we had their hair done with sparkles and their nails painted however the girls wanted. She had a blast getting pampered by her cousin and friends. I can't believe that my Kylie bear is 8 and baptized!
Here are some pictures from the party!

Dang It!!

Three months ago I had my little boy and if you ask me time is flying by way to fast. I can't believe that Halloween is already over, but it doesn't even feel like it even came since it was on Sunday. A Sunday holiday kind of takes the fun out of it, except for Christmas.

Anyways... Thanksgiving is on its way and I am once again planning on running the Turkey Trot. Last year I slacked and didn't get my booty into gear. I remember being so tired physically. Little did I know I was in the early stages of pregnancy. Not many of my friends or family members wanted to run so I graciously declined feeling really relieved not to run.

This year is another story. My family wants to run this year! The Larsen family has been on a health kick and has been getting into shape. I have to say that everyone is looking great and I am so excited to run with them this year. I am most excited about my Father in law Rich running this year!!! It will fun to spend that time with him even though I am afraid that I will watching the back of him instead of watching him cross the finish line. He is one of the most dedicated people I know to what ever he puts his mind to. A GREAT example. :)

So I have been getting ready and training for this 5 k run which is a long run for me. Yesterday while running I noticed my shin starting to ache. I ran again this morning and yep that ache started to hurt more. I know this feeling, I remember it from when I ran track in High School. I am on my way to getting shin splints. If you have ever had them before you know what I am talking about and they can get to be so painful that running is out of the question. I think it is time to invest in some new shoes. I have loved my running shoes that I have now and have enjoyed ever mile with them over the past 5 years.

Anyone know a quick fix for shin splints so I can be ready on Thanksgiving? I will be doing Kamber shirts again and I am trying to see if they will give us a discount again for the run. Let me know if you want to be a part.

10 Years!!!

Today marks 10 years that Ethan and I have been married! So here is to the big 1-0.

Ten things that I love about being married to Ethan:

1- He makes me laugh everyday.
2- He always kisses me goodbye when he is leaving the home.
3- He compliments me quite often.
4- He is willing to run errands for me even, when it is not convenient for him.
5- If he is coming home during lunch time he always offers to bring lunch to me.
6- He plays with my kiddos and lets them know he loves them.
7- He is my best friend!
8- He has a strong testimony even though he doesn't bear it to just anyone, but when you do hear it, it makes a big impact.
9- He is the most generous person I know.
10- I know I can depend on him to stand by my side no matter what life throws our way.

I Love You Ethan!

Beautiful song- come listen!

A blogging friend sent this song over for me to hear. I have never met Kim or even knew that she read my blog before today. She was inspired to send this song to me telling me the song reminded her of myself even though she didn't know me other than through my blog.

I think Kim knows me better than she thinks because this song applies to me and my grief and healing as of now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Kim. To everyone else take a listen, it is truly beautiful!

We Have A Birthday!

It is Kylie's B-day today and she turns 8!!! I can't believe that 8 years ago I had here, a little baby girl. Actually not little, but big 9 lbs, 2 oz. and up till Max she was my biggest. Kylie has been so fun to have. She has the biggest heart and the most fiery personality. She is very honest and it sometimes gets her into trouble, but she tells it like it is. She is a great big sister and always willing to help. Kylie loves to play outside and be active. I would have to say that she is more of a daddy's girl and would follow him to the moon. I love getting hugs from her and there are plenty to go around. I am so excited for her to get baptised and she would say that she is a little nervous. I know she will do great and we are so very proud of her.:)

We Love you Kylie Bear!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Soccer

My girls are playing soccer this year. We have never done it before because I never even thought about it as an option. To me girls play sports like softball, volleyball, tennis, and even swim. These were the sports I was put in when I was young. I played volleyball my freshman year in school and discovered that I loved track more. I ran varsity track from a sophomore up. Sports were important to me growing up and I was quite good at it, never the star of the team but definitely held my own. I was never much of a girlie girl I guess you would say. Lets just put it this way, when the girls were playing with dolls I was playing football with the boys in the neighborhood or doing relay races with them and betting I could beat them and I would.:)

My girls played tennis and swim team last year. Lets just say tennis isn't really our thing. Swim team went really well and if we hadn't moved and I being pregnant we would have done it this year too. I went to one of my friends sisters High school soccer games last year and had so much fun watching her play. I realized what an intense sport it is and girls can hold there own. I decided then that I wanted my girls to try playing this season.

My girls have been going at it for about a month now and love it. We have had two games and they have scored goals in each of them. Kylie is very aggressive out on the field. She wants the ball and she is going to get it and do something with it. Even if that means you get knocked down when in her way. It's all part of the game. Tayler is not quite as aggressive, but is pretty good with her feet and sneaks the ball away with a good kick down field. Tayler is very accurate at kicking the ball and both goals have been made by someone passing the ball to her up field and her kicking it into the goal. Both girls are doing so good especially it being their first year. Needless to say I am proud of them and glad they love going to soccer! I'm sure there are going to be more updates as the year rolls on.

Thinking about her

I think of Kamber everyday. There is never a day that goes by that she is not on my mind, but she doesn't consume every moment like she did in the beginning. I have our last family picture on the opening page of our computer. Many times I just glance at it for a second and then open up what I need on the computer. Today I stopped and stared at the picture and was drawn to focus primarily on Kamber. I noticed that she does look a little more like me, especially when I compare her features to mine. The shape of her eyes, the shape of her nose and even her smile. She did get my blue eyes, but hers are a little lighter and more sparkly.

My heart swells every time I look at her. She brings so much happiness, her smile just lights up. This is how she was when she was here, she lit up our lives! I have a little ping in my heart today. I miss her, but I am able to deal. I love days when I really focus on her. It reminds me she was really here, she was mine and IS mine FOREVER. :)

I've never shown this version of our family picture, but it gives a good insight as to how silly Kamber was. Everything was funny and it was always time to be silly. So here she is being goofy before we got our last family shot.



Notice Ethans face. He hates pictures and just wants it done and over with. Now he adores these pictures, but still doesn't like taking them.