Brave Little Soul-Kamber

A sweet reader/friend sent me this story. It touched her heart as it did mine. Thanks so much Brooke!

The Brave Little Soul

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little Soul, do not be sad, for the suffering unlocks the love in peoples hearts." The Little Soul was confused. "What do you mean?" she asked. God replied, " Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.

"The Little Soul began to understand and listen attentively as God continued, " The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this-it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer-to unlock this love-to create this miracle-for the good of all humanity."Just then the Little Soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the Little Soul excitedly replied, " I am brave; let me go ! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!

"God smiled and said, "You are a brave Soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."

God and the Brave Little Soul shared a smile and then embraced. In parting, God said,"Do not forget Little Soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will so through My strength, And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."

Thus at that moment the Brave Little Soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and Gods strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in peoples hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys-some regained lost faith-many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and Love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The Miracle happened. God was pleased.

I will...Kamber

I will... Miss you for now.

I will...Remember you always.

I will... Love you Forever.

I will... Be with you for Eternity!

Brunch with some of Earth's Angels

Yesterday I went to brunch with some of my friends. These are women I may have never met or got to know any better had Kamber not passed away. All of these friends have lost a child. Every one has a different story and different experiences with their loss, but yet so many feelings are sooo similar. I enjoy talking, laughing, and sometimes crying with these women. When tears come to our eyes it is nice to be with those that truly understand. We don't even have to say anything, but we can feel the love for each other. I feel a special bond to each of these women and their sweet families, especially their angel children; all of who I have never personally met. Sad to say that our Arizona group of women that belong to the angel blog is growing way to fast. Since about 10 months ago our angel blog has grown from 3 to 95 children. 95 in 10 months. Can you believe that? That number includes people from mostly Utah and Arizona, but many do come from around the states. And that is just the people we are told of and that want to be a part of the blog. This number doesn't include miscarriages or stillborns. I know families are losing children every day, I know it happens more often than we realize.

I am just grateful that I have these friends in my life. I wish I could have known these women through another means, but feel thankful that I have them to travel this road with.

Thank you girls for a nice brunch yesterday, love ya!

I also would be unappreciative if I didn't mention my readers. Thank you so much for remembering my Kamber and helping to lift me up when I am down. :) Heavenly Father truly knows that I need you. Thanks to all my blogging friends!!!

One Of Those Days, Searching For That Rainbow

I woke up this morning feeling the need to run, escape, an adrenaline rush. I was confused, where is this feeling coming from? Now that a couple of hours have passed I recognize the feeling. It's a sad low feeling. Dang it I was doing so good. It has been quite a while since I have felt this. I miss my angel girl...

I have been trying to figure out what has brought it on. Maybe it is the fact that another sweet angel has passed away last week. I know the feeling that the mother is going through and it makes me terribly sad. Maybe the feeling is brought on because a sweet friend of mine is approaching the one year mark of her child's passing and I know the sad feeling of that also. Or maybe the reason is because I have since realized that to many of my friends have lost a child and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone and that makes me sad. Maybe it is the fact that I just miss my Kamber and it has been a while since I have just let myself just feel the pain.

I should be at church right now but I sit here disappointed with myself that once again I didn't get my family ready in time. We will go to the rest of church but what is my deal? Why did I need that little bit of extra sleep, or so I thought I did. I wish I could push myself harder to dig in deep, deeper than I have.

Today I am searching extra hard for that Rainbow. I know it is there but sometimes it doesn't show up till there is a little bit of rain. Maybe I will allow the rain to pour so the sun can shine again and the rainbow can lighten my day!

Look for the Rainbows

Here lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. Now after our one year mark of Kamber's passing I have been thinking a lot of what I have learned over the past year. Somethings I feel I have blossomed in more than I ever would have not given this trial and other things are taking me some time to figure out.



I do not feel whole yet nor can I say that I truly know who I am. My world is still shattered but there are a few pieces that have found a way to mold together. I still struggle and get depressed, angry, alone, and left in despair but I also have times that I am happy, joyful, grateful, compassionate, sympathetic, and feel totally blessed. Did you notice my positives out weighed my negatives, yes there comes a time that it can happen.



Our life as we have known it has changed dramatically over the the past year. There was a time in my life that I could honestly say that things were pretty dang close to perfect. We had four beautiful daughters, a beautiful home, lots of friends, and business was pretty dang good and we were able to enjoy what it had to offer. It is amazing that in one years time that it can change so dramatically. We have lost one of our beautiful daughters for our time here on earth, we still have a home but doesn't seem a beautiful to me anymore, friends don't know what to say to me anymore, and business is not as good as it was before.



Everyone has trials that are hard for them. Sometimes I wonder if it is ever going to let up. It always does at sometime. Trials change who we are. I am not the same person I was a year ago, but feel that in some way I have change more for the better. One thing that I have noticed the most is Family Is Everything. I use to enjoy having really nice things. The value of things have dramatically changed for me. I am more grateful for the things that I do have. I cherish them and feel blessed to have what I have and this pertains to everything in my life. I am more grateful to my Heavenly Father than I think I have ever been. He has taken one of the most special people in my life yet somehow I find myself thankful for blessings in my life. There were times last year that I never thought I would ever feel this way. My husband and I find ourselves saying that we would give up everything to have Kamber back. We would live in a cardboard box if we had to. Our perspectives have changed.



I use to worry about everything that wasn't going right in my life. It would really stress me out but, now I know it is not worth worrying about as long as I have my family. Things are going to happen in life that we don't like or want to happen but I have learned as long as we hold on to what we believe and cling to our families we can make it through the storms. We have every right to be upset during the hard times but as long as we don't let those feelings linger and always strive to look to the positive we will endure the storm and soon it will pass making us better.

The storm hasn't yet passed for us and there may always be a cloud over our heads but we are trying to always look for rainbows!

Seriously thinking of going PRIVATE!!

I got an email from one of my friends about another one of my friends that was very disturbing.
She has sitemeter on her website and had discovered her children's pictures on a pornographic website.

This is what she wrote:

I have SITE METER attached to my blog spot but unfortunately I have been really bad about checking it for unusual visiting sites this past year. To be honest, I have always been very trusting and thought that I could never be the one whom wackos actually target and stalk so I rarely have made efforts to check. Tonight I chose to click into it and directly on the first page I noticed an unusual website that had viewed my blog. Curiously, I clicked onto it to see what it was. The site contained dozens and dozens of images. I began looking closer at them and come to find out there were some VERY inappropriate pictures. I clicked out of the site immediately and sat there talking to Brett about my concerns. We both became VERY worried. The more I sat there, THE MORE SICK TO MY STOMACH I WAS. IF THIS PAGE HAD DIRECT AFFILIATION TO MY BLOG, THEN THAT MEANS THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE THAT THEY HAVE A PICTURE OF MY KIDS OR FAMILY ON THAT PAGE.

With out hesitation, I went right back to that page. I was so scared of what I was going to find. There were hundreds of pictures on that page and I looked through each one very quickly but efficiently when all of a sudden I FOUND A PICTURE OF MY SWEET TAYLIN. Yes, a picture of my sweet Taylin on the same page as pornographic AND child perverted pictures. I then returned BACK to my site meter to look for other sites in direct affiliation with my blog. I found a different website that had come to my page 5 TIMES THAT INCLUDED A PICTURE OF RIDGE WITH HIS LITTLE BUNS SHOWING AS HE WAS SITTING ON THE TABLE DOING DISHES. I'm just sick right now. My sweet innocent children so exposed. I FEEL SO VIOLATED AND SCARED.

I immediately googled the website BING to find out more about what it is. I then went to WWW.VOICEFORTHECHILDREN.BLOGSPOT.COM to see if I could find anything. Here is an explanation of what this website is. BING:BING is a recent search engine launched by Microsoft. The major problem with Bing is that it has brought pornography directly into your home or office. Porn is no longer a few clicks away.When you search on Bing, you no longer have to click to go to a different website to view porn. All you have to do is roll over the thumbnail image of the video on the video will begin to play snippets of the pornographic video.Imagine the harmful effects if a child is searching on Bing and merely rolls over the image and instantly the child is watching a porn video.This is completely unacceptable and irresponsible of Microsoft to launch a program such as this without a solution to block pornographic videos.

DO NOT USE BING AND ESPECIALLY DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN SEARCH ON BING!!*Do yourselves a favor and add VOICEFORTHECHILDREN to your blog. My uncle, Jeremy Geigle, is President of Arizona Family Council and between him and a few other family members, they are SO diligent about keeping this blog up to date. They want nothing more than to educate all of us on how we can keep our families safe and protected from the pornographic world. As ruthless as it is, I hope I DID scare a lot of you.

We stay so sheltered and ignorant thinking it will never happen to us...but let me tell you people, CHILD PORNOGRAPHY IS EVERYWHERE.

Let me remind everyone too that Phoenix now is the #1 kidnapping capital in America.*

If you have kids old enough to play games on the computer, I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend that you download this web protection site to your computer. We have had it all year long, until our computer broke. We recently got our computer back and I forgot to re-download this protection, WHICH IS WHY I COULD EVEN ACCESS THAT BING WEBSITE WITH THOSE IMAGES.

I PROMISE you, having this K9 WEB PROTECTION is the BEST way as of right now, to protect your kids from seeing anything pornographic or inappropriate on the computer. Pornography is so available that even if your baby started slamming down on keys, a porn website could pop it. Any porn sites, sites with questionable images, swim suit sites, facebook, youtube, and other social networking sites are ALL BLOCKED. It is VERY FILTERED. HOWEVER, you will have an ACCESS password that will allow you (as the adult) to type in a password that will allow you to enter into a site you want available to you. You will have to type in the password every time you want to enter the site. (it's one extra step that is worth the 2 seconds).

I love knowing that I can walk out of the room now with my kids playing on the computer and I have NO concerns that something will pop up.

More pics from Powell!

Tayler absolutely loved the water! This is a shallow swimming area right next to our house boat. In this pic. you can really see how clear the water is at Powell.

Brookie loved to splash in the water. This a a big rock in the water that extended out a few feet to make the perfect baby pool.

We had lots of fun toys to play with. Brookie loved to fill this bucket up with water and dump it out.

Here is the girls swimming again. All Day Lonnnngggg!

Kylie always took time to play with Brookie, but she would get frustrated when Brookie would ruin her work of art.

Glimmer of Hope and Joy Through the Darkness

Gunnar's 1st Birthday! August 1,2009

This cute little boy is one of my nephews. He holds a special place in the hearts of each person in the Larsen Family. This little boy was born on a very special day... a day that the families heart was broken, but he brought a glimmer of hope and joy.

Here is his story...

July 25 th 2008 Kamber had drown in our pool. Hearts were broken, testimonies were tested, and tons and tons of tears were shed for our sweet Kamber girl. My brother-in-law Spencer was in Colorado for his first day of training camp for the Denver Broncos when the devastating news of Kamber was relayed by his wife Annie who was still in Arizona waiting for the birth of her baby. Annie had about a month before Gunnar was to be born. Spencer was able to come down for a day to be with the family during this trying time. All the family rallied together and helped me out a ton. Annie came over every day with her little boy Tyton to help make sure things were getting done at my home. I know this was not easy for her being the last month of her pregnancy, but there she was day after day supporting us. Spencer had to head back to Colorado to finish training camp, but little did we know we would be seeing him sooner than we all expected.

The whole week of the 25th were spent planning Kamber's funeral and of course extremely emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. The night of Kambers viewing Annie had said that she was having some contractions but I had no clue how strong they really were. Annie did a good job hiding it from me, which she says she wanted this time to be all about Kamber. The next day, Friday August 1st was Kamber's funeral. I have to say that I was so busy worrying about this day and being so emotional that I hardly even remember the people that spoke to me or even attended the funeral, it was such a blur. But I do remember that the chapel to our church was packed. All in support of our family and sweet Kamber. Little to my knowledge Annie was in the lobby listening to the funeral while having intense contractions. As we all went to the cemetery Annie was headed to the hospital. Later I found out that Annie was admitted to the hospital and that little Gunnar was going to be born soon. Ethan and I went home exhausted and fell asleep. That day I had a sweet experience and knew when Gunnar was born before we even got the phone call minutes after his birth. We were again heading to a hospital sooner than I had ever hoped that I would have to, but there was peace. Through our darkest moment, joy was found in this new baby boy. It turned into a beautiful day, a day of peace and a glimmer of hope and joy. Spencer came down to be with his family and he and Annie decided to name their new little boy after Kamber. They named him Gunnar Kamb Larsen. One sweet innocent child had left this earth and another had entered. Just one of the tender mercies given to our family during the hardest time in our lives.

Enjoying the water

This is what we did most every day. I love getting to watch Ethan play with the girls. He is such a good daddy!


Two peas in a pod. Brookie adores her daddy.

Before we went on the trip Brookie was scared to death of this dog. After the first night she loved him. Brookie actually learned the word soft because she wanted to pet him, which was practically beating him. "Soft Brookie...Soft."

Tayler and Kylie were little fish. They swam all day long. Even if they were wanting a snack they couldn't enjoy it unless they were in the water. Suckers and lake water...Yummmy!

First night in Powell

This is first night at our camp site. We all were sitting on top of the house boat enjoying the beautiful weather!

Here is Brookie climbing up were the girls were sitting. She followed her sister all around. Brookie is wearing her Kamber shirt in memory of her. This was a very peaceful night with thoughts and memories of our angel girl.

MMMAAHH! This is the sound Brookie makes when she is blowing kisses... Something we love to have her do. She is such a funny girl and reminds us so much of Kamber with her expressions. I love getting to see little glimpses of Kamber through our Brookie, it reminds us that she is near.

One Year Ago

Like I mentioned in my last post, we went to Lake Powell on July 25th, marking one year since we lost Kamber. It was the right choice for us. It helped break up the day and focus on brighter days to come. We stopped by the cemetery on our way out of town to see Kamber and leave flowers. Her headstone looked the most beautiful I have ever seen it since it was put in. It was clean with not a spec of dirt or dust on it. The grass around it was a beautiful green. It was so neat to see it this way especially on this day. We felt peace while we were there and sad that we even had to experience a day like this. We of course remembered the time of the events and watched the clock as that time approached, but it was so nice not to be in our home during that time. The 5 hour drive to the lake was a great time for us as a family to talk about Kamber and the funny things that she did and the things that we miss the most. The 25th was a peaceful day filled with love for each other and for our Kamber.

Thanks to all for the thoughtful gifts, cards, and phone calls on this special day. We have many angels here on the earth that continue to lift us up during our trials. Thank you for remembering our Kamber. I think remembering a loved one is the one thing a mom and dad feel is the most important. We hope everyone will continue to remember Kamber and the sweet spirit she is for years to come.

Coming Soon!
Many more pictures, funny and heart felt stories to come of our Lake Powell Trip.

July 25th, Lake Powell!

We have been invited to go with some friends to Lake Powell for a week. We were suppose to leave on Monday but we have recently found out that our friends get the house boat a few days early; so our trip can start on Saturday!

I have been so torn on whether we were going to go on Saturday or leave later. Saturday marks one year since Kamber passed away. I have been so sick thinking about this day for the past couple of weeks. This week so far has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. Every thing has been so real. I remember this week a year ago even though I try hard not to. The storm we had on Monday night happened a year ago also. When I lay my head down to sleep so many images and thoughts run through my mind even though I try so hard not to think about them. It has brought me to tears every night. My body quivers like it did those early days a year ago. I am exhausted by the emotions. I find myself in the survival state once again each and every day. It takes a lot to get me even dressed for the day which hasn't been happening till the late afternoon or not at all. So with everything that I am going through so far the idea of running away to Lake Powell on Saturday seems like a really good idea. Hopefully it will keep my mind busy.

On the other hand we have lots of family we are leaving behind. I know that their lives have been changed also. I recognize their sadness and missing. This is why it has been so hard to make the decision to leave. I hope that they understand why we are going to leave but know they are in our thoughts and prayers also. As of yesterday we had decided to be here for Saturday but we were staying strictly for our family members but knowing it was going to make it that much harder on us. Then my husband spoke to my father- in -law today and expressed how we felt and asked his opinion on what we should do. We don't want anyone to hurt any more. My father -in- law expressed to Ethan that he felt we should do what is best for our little family. Kamber was our child and to do what we need to and that he thought every one would understand. I am so grateful for his kind words, love, and support that he continues to give to us. Actually, I can't fail to mention how supportive and caring all of our family members have been.

So with that we will be leaving Saturday to hopefully break up the memory of the worst day of our lives. A day that we don't want celebrate, a day that the world for us stopped turning, the day that one of our angels left this earth for a moment in time.

This caught my eye and my heart

As I mentioned in my last post that the one year mark of Kamber's death is approaching. With it brings all kinds of emotions and anxiety. In someways I feel I am stronger and in other ways I feel weaker. I find myself more often just speaking out loud to my Heavenly Father about my feelings. This is what I spoke to him about this morning on my way to pick Tayler and her friend up from swim team this morning.

"I don't know how to feel. It has almost been a year and I am still very sad and still in some ways mad. I know you know how I feel and know that I will come around. I don't feel that you are upset with me for my feelings. But how long is it okay to feel this way? I wouldn't bring Kamber back now that she is in such a perfect place. I am glad that she doesn't have to endure this world and all the bad things that happen. I am glad that she doesn't have to endure the sorrow of losing a child, or a mom or dad eventually. I know she misses us but, she understands the big picture and so I am sure that makes it a little different. I just miss her. I am sad that all her memories are not fresh in my mind anymore. At times it feels as though she wasn't really here, like it was all a dream. I hate that it feels that way at times. I love you Kamber. I just wish I was stronger. I wish I had the drive to accept it all but part of me feels if I do it means that I didn't love her enough. But I do, I love her with my whole heart."

When I got home I was going through some of the things I saved after Kamber died and I found a talk that I had read a day after. This is what stuck out to me today:

We knew before we were born that we were coming
to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would
have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and
hardships, health and sickness, successes and
disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of
life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with
a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and
unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come
earthward even though it might be for only a day or a
year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we
should die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were
willing to take life as it came and as we might organize
and control it, and this without murmur, complaint, or
unreasonable demands.

In the face of apparent tragedy we must put our trust
in God, knowing that despite our limited view his
purposes will not fail. With all its troubles life offers us
the tremendous privilege to grow in knowledge and
wisdom, faith and works, preparing to return and share
God’s glory.

Spencer W. Kimball

It's Coming

This is a picture of last 4th of July.


The one year mark of the loss of our Kamber is approaching. In so many ways I can't believe that it has almost been a year since I last held my sweet little girl, but in other ways it seems like forever ago. I miss her every day and try not to think too much about the dreaded day to come. I am finding out that I don't cry out in pain as much anymore. I definitely have those days but they don't come as often. I do have a constant ache though that never goes away, it is always lingering but, most of the time I can handle the pain and fight my way through it.

Many people are asking what I am doing for the one year mark. Well, I really don't know. If I had it my way I would run away, find a way to check out for that day. Take away all the hurt and pain for my whole family. It is definitely a day that I don't want to celebrate but I do want people to remember the day that changed my families life forever. I want them to remember that on that day a special angel left this earth to be with her Father in Heaven. The day that I felt as if heaven and hell surrounded me. I have never been so close to those that loved me, especially those on the other side of the veil. Yet I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. It all collided at the same time.

My worst dreams had come true. I worry about something happening to my kids every day and night. Ever since I became a mom I have always prayed for the safety of my children. That same prayer was given the night before Kamber died. I knew that following day what that safety was... safe in the arms of our Savior. Definitely not the answer I wanted but one I have to deal with and some day maybe accept.

Tonight I think about you Kamber and think about that scary day for me and our family. I know you are with me as I worry about this day. I know you are always there and together somehow we will make it through.

Tayler's Special Day

Make a Smilebox slideshow

This is a very special day for Tayler. She has made the choice to be baptized and become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We are so proud of her decision and I know our Father in Heaven is also. She will be baptized and confirmed by her father. What a sweet and special blessing that is. I hope Tayler will always remember this day and how she felt as I do my baptism day. We all love Tayler and we are very grateful to have her sweet spirit be a part of our family.

I remember my baptism day. I was baptized on my birthday! My dad was not a member of the church so I was baptized by my cousin Rich Skousen and confirmed by my Grandpa Hall. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was a little nervous but mostly excited. I couldn't wait to be baptized and feel the Holy Ghost, I truly felt it was a very special gift just for me. I remember the warmth on my head and the tingles throughout my body as the spirit confirmed to me at a young age that my Heavenly Father was pleased with my decision.

I also felt truly blessed to have my dad present at my baptism. He always supported me in all the important things I did throughout my life. I felt very fortunate to have my dad be a part of my day because he was very sick. The cancerous tumor in his brain was causing his head to swell on one side. That day he was the most swollen I had seen him. I knew he didn't feel good and that something was very wrong. I was very worried for him but grateful that he was able to be with me. Later that night I learned of my Heavenly Fathers love for me, the importance of my baptism, and the love Heavenly Father had for my dad. After the luncheon for my baptism my dad had a seizure. This was not his first but every time it was very scary. He was able to pull through and that night his life was not taken. I got to have a few more years with my dad and he got to see me grow to the age of 13.

You see that day was the start of my testimony. I think it was the first time that I realized what a testimony was. That day the spirit warmed my heart and I got to see my Heavenly Fathers hand in my families life. I got to see how important it was for me to be baptized and for my family to be there. Since that day I have been able to progress through many more important mile stones in my life. Few my dad was able to physically be present for but he has been there for all, this I know to be true. He has been there in spirit at my side, encouraging me all the way. This is how I know that Kamber will be with us tomorrow. She will be there smiling down on Tayler and will continue to be with her in her life every step of the way. Through the good and bad, accomplishment and set backs. I am so grateful for the special angels in our lives.

I am thankful to my mom for taking me to church so that I could learn of the gospel, so that now my children can gain a testimony of their own. I am happy for Tayler's decision and I know that this day will be one she remembers for the rest of her life.

Father's Day and a Crappy Attitude

I wish I could say that on Father's Day it was my husband that had the crappy attitude but it was me. It started Saturday night and then I woke up Sunday morning feeling good. so I thought but as the day wore on I found my attitude turning from good to bad. I was so excited to give Ethan his Father's Day gift, one that I had kept a secret for months not telling anyone about. Secrets that are exciting are hard for me to keep especially when it is not someone else's secret. Ethan was happy with his gifts and it made it worth the wait.

We got ready for church and on my way there Ethan asked me if Father's Day was hard for me since my dad is not alive or has it been so long that it doesn't make me sad anymore? I told him that I always think of him especially on this day but my thoughts are not sad ones, I think of the happy times that I can remember. I actually had a dream about him the night before.

We went to church and Tayler had her baptism interview and then the bishop met with Ethan to make sure he knew how the procedure was going to go. Then I guess they spoke about us not being at church as often and Ethan had to reassure him that when we are not there we are either out of town or sometimes we are struggling and we don't want to put a happy face on in front of other people. It seemed to surprise him given it has almost been a year. When I heard this I could feel my emotions change, it just reassured me that one of my fears was in fact true. There are people who assume that around a year you are healed or don't struggle as much. Oh how I wish I could explain so that everyone could understand that a year isn't enough time to heal. I don't hysterically cry every day like I did in the beginning but I hurt each and every day and I still have days that feel like I am right back at the beginning. So yes there are many days that I don't want to be around anyone and have to put on a happy face and some of those days happen to be Sundays.

Needless to say, at the end of church I was informed that we were to feed the missionaries at 5:00. I am pretty sure my eyes got huge and my mouth dropped to the floor. "Sure, yeah uhhh sure." I grabbed my girls and walked out of church ready to burst into tears. What the heck was I going to feed them? All the way home I was racking my brain to think of something to make. I am not one that likes things sprung on me especially when it comes to cooking. I am not the best cook and there are very little things I know how to make well and I didn't even know if I had the stuff to make a decent dinner. My attitude went from not so good to crappy, bad, you better watch out or mama will chew you up and spit you out. I complained to Ethan for a good half hour that I either was going to call and cancel because for heavens sakes it was Father's Day and we had people to visit. Or I would whip something up and drop it by their apartment. Ethan kept telling me "No we are feeding the missionaries." This made me more angry. Finally Ethan said " Jen it is Father's Day and you are treating me like crap, you have got a bad attitude." I burst into tears, I didn't want to treat him bad especially on this day. I was just so angry about everything. I was struggling with Father's Day more than Ethan was. I was mad that Ethan had to go through a Father's Day without Kamber, mad that my Bishop doesn't seem to understand how hard life is right now, and that I wasn't warned that we were to feed the missionaries and that Ethan insisted that we do it. He had more confidence that I could pull it off than I did. I was also worried that we weren't going to be able to go over to Ethan's parents to visit with his dad and let him know we care about him. My dad isn't here and my father in law is all I have and he means the world to me. So I guess even after all these years Father's Day still effects me deep down and I am still sad. I guess I still feel robbed of a child hood with my dad.

It was good to have a good cry with my husbands arms around me. I let him know how sorry I was for my crappy attitude and really I just wanted him to be happy. Needless to say my attitude changed, I made a great meal that the missionaries loved and I really enjoyed having them in my home. I was so grateful for the spirit that they brought with them and wouldn't mind if they dropped in unexpectedly again. We made it to the family get together and I got to give my father in law a big hug. It turned out to be a great day and my crappy attitude changed to one of peace, humility, and happiness.

Our Trials

Life is hard. We are all given trials through life. Some may seem small and pass quickly. Others may be given trials that are very hard to overcome and seem to last forever. I can say that losing a child is probably one of the very hardest trials to be given if not the hardest. It is a trial that will be with us forever as we fight with the emotions of grieving. The loss will always be there. A part of my heart will always be broken, the part that is reserved for Kamber.

I find myself exhausted trying to deal with the fact that Kamber is no longer here. My yearning to hold her will have to do with touching her pictures and things that were hers. I have not found a way to be grateful for my trial, but I do hope that I can do some good with what has been given.

I have been reading a book written by Sheri Dew- If Life were Easy, It Wouldn't be Hard. I hope that some day I can be as inspiring as she is. I actually have started writing down my life experiences that will lead up to where my life is now. Hopefully someday it can be made into a book that is inspiring to others. I know I have a long time till I get to the point that I can uplift others and not be so focused on my grief.

My favorite quote of Sheri Dew is on the back of her book. This thought really struck me as I thought of my struggle of trying over and over again to get back on my feet and push forward through the pain. This is what it says:

Our mortal experience is designed to test what we really care about, what we really believe, what we really want to become, and how we really feel about our Father and His Son.

Our trials do test what we care about, what we believe, and what we become. I have never had a test be this hard before and losing a child can bring you to the edge of shattering it all. Hopefully it is the hardest trial I will ever have to face.

Perfect

Last night as I was saying my prayers, tears were just pouring down my eyes as they do most every night. Yes, almost every night I still cry for my little girl. I find that my prayers are more sincere and I pray for a longer amount of time. I also find myself talking to my Heavenly Father as if he were sitting right in front of me. I always thank him for all the many blessings in my life, for the safety of my family, for allowing Kamber to be a part of our lives, and often times I am pleading with my Heavenly Father for strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day.

I found myself talking about how much I miss Kamber and that I don't feel her as often as I did when she passed away. I told my Heavenly Father that I understood that she was busy and that I know that she is surrounded by many people that love her, but that it is still hard. It is hard to lose someone that you love, they are here one minute and then gone the next and you have to adjust to not having them around. I told him that I wish I could feel her more often. Then I could feel her presence with me. I felt bad that Kamber saw me crying but I told her that I just miss her, but that it was okay because I know that I will be with her again.

I continued praying and found myself thinking of how hard trials are in our lives. Most trials come and go. I feel that losing a child is a trial that is never ending. The longing for our little one will never go away. This is a hard one I have been given and can't believe that I have to endure it. Then I thought about before we came to earth. I must have really loved Kamber before, I loved her so much that I wanted her to be a part of my family and was willing to do anything. Maybe I knew that her life would be short, that she would be taken at a young age. By being taken before 8 yrs. old she would be perfect, no need to go through the trials here in this world. I loved her so much that I was willing to endure this agony of missing her just to have her be with our family for a short while. I thought, if this is how it played out, I said yes then and I still say yes now. She is perfect no need to endure this wicked world, guaranteed glory and I will endure the sadness.

I love Kamber so much, I would do anything for her and any of my girls. I just hope I don't have to endure this again.

No Words For It

I went to the store to find a card for a friend of mine that has lost a child. As I searched the Sympathy section, (which I hate that word) I found all kinds of titles to look under.

For the Loss of A Mother
For the Loss of A Father
For the Loss of A Loved one
and the one that made me sick
For the Loss of a Pet

Your right, there was no title For the Loss of Your Child. Actually I take that back there was one card that was loss of a son but it wasn't a good one. I can't believe that the loss of pet comes before a child. Actually, it is none existent. I guess there are NO WORDS FOR IT because it is everyones worst nightmare.

I just want my friend to know I am thinking of her and her family. Love YOU!

Thinking Of Kamber

Here lately I have been thinking a lot about Kamber. I do think of her every single day, very much on my mind as I go about my busy days. But here lately I have been thinking of her more often. Tears have filled my eyes each day as I have thought back on the days that Kamber was here. My heart is torn into shreds but somehow it hasn't brought me down. The tears have last minutes as I think of how we go about our days without her. I think of all the fun things that we do, without her. This week we went to Sun Splash and I thought of how much fun she would have had. Kamber had no fear and I knew that for sure she would love to go down the slides and insist on doing it by herself. I was sad that I only could imagine what it would be like rather than getting to see it for myself, but the picture in my head was pure happiness as I could see her. Oh how I miss her.

We are now in June and I am realizing that at this point last year that I only had a month and a half left with her. You can not even imagine the feeling that it gives me. A month and a half, sometimes I am glad that I didn't know what was coming. Here I am almost a year without Kamber and boy have things changed. I am noticing that my memory if fading a little and it hurts. I can't remember her smell nor do any of her things smell like her anymore. That is a hard one to accept. Every now and then I get little whiffs that remind me. The sound of her voice is fading and I have to watch a video of her to truly remember how she sounded. One nice thing that I am able to remember is how she felt in my arms. I get to remember this because of hugging my other girls. I love getting to hold each one of them and now I hold them a little longer to remember Kamber.

Life is going on and I can't say that I am at the stage of accepting that she is gone nor can I say that I am out of the angry stage. Each day is still a battle but I am continuing to fight. There are time I get so exhausted and just have to let go but after I rest I am ready to fight some more. I miss my little girl and wish that things could be different but I cling to the faith that one day I will be with her again, to raise her and that it will be far better than here.