If Time Could Stand Still- Halloween 2007

This is my absolute favorite Halloween picture of Kamber, actually one of my favorite pictures of her, period.

Here is a picture of all the cousins and friends at our yearly chili and cornbread party at my house last year. We do this every year before trick or treating!

Here is Kamber being silly with her sister's, she didn't want to take this picture, but I'm glad I got it.

Oh my, how cute is my little angel in this picture! Here is Kamber with her buddy/cousin Shariden. They are only three months apart and they really enjoyed making messes and having fun together!

Halloween 2007 was a great year. We had our whole family around and we were really enjoying life, everything seemed perfect! Kamber was talking really well and had quite a fun personality. You can see the light just shinning through her. There was never a dull moment with her around and if you were sad, you couldn't help but smile when you saw her sweet face and heard her sweet voice.

We took our pictures and we were off to get some candy! Kamber had her own little bag, her flip flops on and she was ready to go. She took off running with all the kids up to each door for some candy. There were sometimes that she was scered (scared) and I would hold her hand and walk her up to the door. She absolutely loved Halloween and enjoyed shoving as much candy in her mouth as she could while trick or treating. By the end of the night I asked her if she wanted mommy to hold her candy bag while we walked because I could tell she was struggling. She told me no and got a little skip in her step and off she went with a bag almost as big as her. I don't know if she told me no because she was afraid I would eat her candy or if it was that she was determined to be a big girl. Knowing her it was probably both.

I can't tell you enough how much I really loved last year, or how much I miss having Kamber here this year. My heart feels absolutely broken that it physically hurts. I have a lot to endure this day and it feels like it won't end but I know that this day will pass because time doesn't stand still no matter how much we wish it could.

Here I Am

Here I am again in the same place I was yesterday ,the day before, and the day before that. I'm still stuck in this nightmare and the sadness seems to be staying steady for right now. I know it is because I am to encounter a first holiday without Kamber and I have the pressure of the ward Halloween party that I am to put on tomorrow night. It is really hard for me right now to plan something fun when I feel all the fun is just drained right out of me, my heart hurts to bad right now. Who knows maybe the actual day won't be so bad :) :( I don't really know what to expect.
So, about the nightmare I am living in, I feel the fog slowly lifting and giving me little glimpses of the rest of my life and it is at times absolutely unbearable. How the heck am I going to make it through. I was telling Ethan last night that it is like my mind can't totally wrap my brain around it, it is an absolute nightmare. Then Ethan said something that just made sense " Jen, in reality life is the nightmare or bad dream. We will wake up some day and that day will be the day we die and then we will realize that the dream was really small compare to the eternity we get to live in with our family. Then we will realize we made it through the bad dream and it won't matter anymore." I just sat and thought, "how is he so strong and can think like that." So for now I will live this dream and try to have pleasant times during it, but I know I will have nightmares from time to time and try to battle through.

Quotes for Strength

Here are some quotes that I really like and they give me a little strength and uplifting when the world seems to be coming down on me.

"When we give thanks in all things, we see hardships and adversities in the context of the purpose of life... We are meant to learn and grow through opposition, through meeting our challenges, and through teaching others to do the same... the Lord will not only consecrate our afflictions for our gain, but He will use them to bless the lives of countless others."
--Dallin H. Oaks, "Give Thanks in All Things," Ensign, May 2003, 95

"As children of God we are somebody. He will build us, mold us, and magnify us if we will but hold our heads up, our arms out, and walk with him."
--Marvin J. Ashton, "In His Strength," Ensign, July 1973, 24

"Please don't nag yourself with thoughts of failure. Do not set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. Simply do what you can do, in the best way you know, and the Lord will accept of your effort."
--Gordon B. Hinckley, "Rise to the Stature of the Divine within You," Ensign, Nov. 1989, 94

Not wanting to

I feel I need to go ahead and post even though I don't want to. I am starting to notice a pattern in my posts for the past week and it has been mostly sad. Part of me feels bad that my posts have been so sad and I know that there are many that may come to my blog to get some inspiration and I don't feel here lately that I have much to give. We have hit the 3 months mark and Halloween is right around the corner. Up until now I didn't think Halloween was going to have much of an effect on me, but it is. The tears seem to be coming more easily and sadness has been enveloping me more often. The little things in life have seemed to be harder to deal with. So I post today just to have the record of it because eventually I would like to have it made into a journal and something I can look back on and sent down through the generations in my family if they so choose.

Somedays

Somedays I feel I have so much anger and sadness that I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. The screaming is in my head not something that I can let out. I know that if others really heard some of my deepest thoughts and let me scream it out maybe they wouldn't want to be around me. That is what is so hard, feeling there are many things you can't just let out or you just can't say. Dealing with the loss of Kamber has tried me to the very core. It is seeing what kind of a person I really am, how deep can I dig. I can feel the pressure somedays, how much can you take? Can you push through the burn? Like a personal trainer that works for ultimate torcher. Somedays are harder than others, but I always push through. I know I just have to cling to the gospel and the things that I know to be true.

Meeting With Angels

We know there are angels in heaven. Our family has one in our immediate family and we feel very lucky., but what about the angels on earth. There are many of them and some I have got to know personally and others I talk with through the Internet. I'm sure many of you may say you know angels on the earth also. You may say that it is your mom, grandma ,sister, or friend and I would agree with you, I have many related to me that I would consider angels on earth also.
I get the privilege of meeting with some angesl tonight, they will be in my home. The angels I am talking about are the moms on the Angel blog I am a part of. These moms would not consider themselves angels and they are some of the most humble people I know. They are angels, they continue to lift one another up as we all struggle with the loss of our angel children. They truck on in life even when they are hurting so much, they continue to raise their families, be a friend and serve others, whether it is in their callings at church or their friends. That counts to me to be an angel on earth. One of these angel moms flew down from Seattle to see her daughter that goes to ASU and another lives right here in Mesa also. I get to be among these great families today and enjoy each others company. I am thankful for these new friends in my life.

Front Doors

Here is the front of my house as you are walking up to it. Everything looks like life would be grand, right? Now concentrate on the door, does it tell you anything? What about when people look at your front door does it tell others anything about your life? Everything from the outside looks great!

In January of this year my husband Ethan just finished building us a beautiful home in which we were hoping to enjoy for a while and then sell to make a little bit of money. This is what Ethan does for a living. He really enjoys construction and runs two business that are really doing pretty well. We have been really blessed in that area, especially since the economy is yucky. So we moved in and from the outside things looked great and the family inside this house was the same. Little did we know that it would all change 7 months down the road. Now when I drive passed my house I think how perfect it looks from the outside and what others might think about the family inside. Maybe they think we have it all together, that life must be grand. I know I have thought that about other people's homes when I drive by. But if they only knew of the sadness behind that big front door. If they only knew of the sweet little girl named Kamber who used to live here. If they could have only met her one time there lives would be slightly changed for a moment because in Kambers eyes they would know how special she thought they were. If they could see through the front door they would see Kambers sisters struggling to understand why their sister is gone. They would see parents crying and trying to pick up the pieces and be strong to make it through. Those driving by don't see the good and sad memories behind the door.

As I look at other homes and concentrate on the front door I now wonder what the story is. What kind of trials is that family going through because we all are. Our lives may be perfect on the outside, but do we really know what is on the inside. I hope one day my outside can match my inside and I can be totally happy.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." Author Unknown
Mindi hope you don't mind me using your poem and Teri thanks for your thoughts about the doors, hope you don't mind:)

Better Morning

Well I hope I don't jinx myself but this morning I didn't wake up feeling the sick in the pit of my stomach. It was not a fun night though, maybe it just moved to bothering me in my sleep instead of the first thing in the morning. Regardless I made it through another night and it was nice not to wake up so sad. So, there is a little blessing in that I don't have to start off my day in a sober mood, I can have a little joy that I hope can build into lots more joy today as I spend time with my family. Life does go on after losing a child, but actually ever getting over it, well that will take this whole earth life. It won't matter anymore once I am with Kamber.
I thought of some things that one can do to help someone who is dealing with a loss of a loved one, especially a child:
_give them hugs, you don't even need to say anything at that point, actions speak louder than words.
_Pray for the ones suffering the loss. I can not express enough how much prayers really work, we definitely felt the power of prayer in a way we have never felt it before. PRAYERS REALLY DO HELP.
-At the beginning meals do help, though they might not get eaten right away, it is nice to have something to pull out at a later time.
-Be willing to ask how they are doing because saying nothing actually hurts more.
-Be willing to listen if the one suffering with the loss just need to talk about the loved one. Here again don't feel like you have to say something wonderful, just listen.
-Be patient. When dealing with a loss it is so easy to be air headed. I know this has got even worse for me. Man you'll never know how air headed I am and if you do have to encounter it then let me apologize in advance.
-Please understand if we cry on a whim and maybe just walk away or have to leave, it will mean the world if you just understand.
-Let us do service, in a funny way it can be healing. Babysitting someones kids is not the right type of service for someone who has lost a child, but bringing dinners or helping in other ways can help. Again try to understand if they just feel they can't do it, in time that will change.
-Please do not compare one loss to another's, it makes you feel that how you are feeling is not okay because in someone else eyes things could be worse. You need to morn regardless of how you lost your loved one.
-Know that saying "they are in a better place" doesn't always bring comfort. Yes it does at times, but other times that doesn't really matter because the loss hurts so bad. Saying "we are grateful for the gospel" is a lot easier to take.
- Be willing to share all memories you have of the loved one regardless if you think it isn't anything big, It just feels good to talk about the happy times of the loved one!

I'm sure I can think of other ways to help someone you love who is suffering a loss. These questions have been asked as I have been informed of others recently suffering loss. I hope these ideas help and hope those going through this difficult time feel the prayers of those praying for them. Love to All!

Sick Feeling

You know that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when something just scared the heck out of you? I seem to know that feeling all to well here lately. This whole week I have woke up with that feeling, the same feeling I felt this first morning after Kamber died. I don't know if I have been dreaming about her and they are sad dreams or if my body is just now realizing the gravity of what has really happened. I feel as though I might be moving out of the denial stage and really grasping the true reality of the situation. The feelings I have felt the past few months are unreal and at times very confusing. I know I have know all along that Kamber is really gone, but it is like my body hasn't. I hate the feeling I have in the morning, but as the day goes on and I have lots to do I go into survivor mode. I go through the day almost as if nothing has even happened, though I know in my mind life is different. This may sound confusing, but in my head it all makes sense. I don't know what to do or how to make it stop. Maybe it is just part of the grieving and there is nothing to make it stop,but just deal because there is nothing to change the outcome.

Questions of a Life Time

It seems this week I am having a harder time dealing with the loss of Kamber. I guess I just have to except it and try to move forward. I think it has been at least two weeks since I was struggling so bad, so I am making some progress. Ethan and I had a great time going to dinner last night and we had some good conversations. Of course we spoke about Kamber, there were
a lot of happy memories that made us laugh and smile. Some in depth questions came up about what is going on since her death. We talked about who will be there waiting for us when we die, if it were to be tomorrow? Well we know for sure KAMBER would be right there waiting, and family members that have died before. Then Ethan asked "Do you think your dad would be there even though he never met me?"
I said "Of course he would, he knows you are my husband and I'm sure he would want to be there." I'm sure he would hug Ethan and introduce himself and be so happy to finally get to spend time with him. Another question is "Do you think Kamber is in the spirit world or with Heavenly Father?" Well in the scriptures it says" Little children that die before the age of accountability go straight to their Heavenly Fathers presence and that is where they reside." What a comfort that is, she is already promised all the blessings of our Heavenly Father , she knows the beginning from the end, she gets the whole picture. We also talked about did we truly understand the sorrow, anguish, and tears that would occur when we said I will go down and take on this life even though these trials are so hard. Did I truly understand or was I so excited just to get a body so I could return to my Heavenly Father that I didn't care because at that time I understood eternity and that the earth life was not eternity. I wonder if I would do it all again if I could see the whole spectrum of things now. I would have to say yes, other wise I wouldn't be going through this now. Many times I wounder why won't Heavenly Father let us see her every once in a while when ever I want, just to hear how things are going. If he would allow that then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to have her gone, or would it? I have seen her and so has Ethan so I know Heavenly Father lets it happen, but times I wish it could be on my terms. I wish I could know what she is doing, does she miss us like we miss her?Oh I hope not I want her to be happy. These are all questions I will have to wait to get the answers on. Patience, Patience, Patience, some thing I am having to work on. Faith in every footstep is what helps us endure!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is Ethan and my anniversary! We have been married for 8 years and it has been great! Eight years really has flown by so fast, I guess that is what happens when you are having fun. Ethan is my best friend and I couldn't ask for a better husband. I never would have thought that in eight years we would already have 4 kids, especially 4 girls! Wow, life is pretty emotional around my house. Having 4 girls has been great and they love each other so much. Ethan is the perfect dad for girls, he loves to play with them and teach them new things. Our girls think their dad is the best and definitely the strongest.

We have had our trials in our eight years of being married, but who knew we would have to endure the worst thing a parent could ever imagine. Our hearts are torn that our beautiful Kamber is gone, but we are lucky enough to feel her presence with us each day. I am grateful that we can rely on each other through our hard times and good times, I think that is part of what makes our marriage so strong. I am thankful we are sealed in the temple for time and all eternity so we can be together as a family. What a beautiful thing Heavenly Father has done for us to allow us to be with our families forever! I love you Ethan more than you'll ever know!

I just Miss Kamber

I just miss this, what is in this picture. I was pregnant with Brookie in this picture and we were at the snow. This time together as a family was great! I miss having Kamber here and today is a Kamber moment. I don't have any inspiring words for myself or others today, I JUST MISS MY KAMBER!

Gratitude

I'm part of an blog that is dedicated to moms who have lost their children at a young age. I am very grateful to have wonderful women that I can confide in and they in me. It is a high price to pay to be a part of this club, but since we have no choice in the matter of having to endure this trial I am grateful to have them. This blog is private, but I would like to share a post given, which was a talk given by President Monson in 2005. I don't know how to set up links yet, so this is how you can enjoy this talk:
-lds.org
-where it says search type 2005 gratitude
-It is labled 2.Profound Power of Gratitude, given by
President Monson
-click and enjoy!
Much is to be learned from this about life, fit for anyone.

Answers

Do we really get answers to all our prayers? The answer is yes. I know there are times I pray and I feel nothing, is this that Heavenly Father is not listening. I have thought about that a lot, what does that mean? Here is an example: A morning not long ago I was really struggling with Kamber being gone, I went into her room and prayed. I wanted to feel her so bad and know she was happy and okay. I cried and begged but yet I felt nothing, I sat and thought for a bit and nothing. I felt alone and wondered why I had to feel nothing, why wasn't Heavenly Father allowing me to feel some sort of comfort? I stood up and started to walk away when I said to myself I already know she is okay and happy. I didn't really need my Heavenly Father to reassure me because I already knew, he let me rely on my faith. So yes he answered my prayer through faith.
Another experience is before Kamber was taken to the hospital by the ambulance Ethan and I went in our room and said a prayer. Ethan prayed that Kamber would be okay and that we would except it. Was there an answer to our prayer? Many might say no, because Kamber died now we have to go through life without her. Well, as horrible as it is to go through life without her and endure this horror there was still an answer. Kamber is okay, she is in our Heavenly Fathers arms, he was right there when she passed on and so where many family members who were waiting to see her. She wasn't alone and she was comforted and Heavenly Father has allowed her to comfort our family. Sometimes we have to know Heavenly Father knows what is best for us.It was his will that Kamber was taken to be with him. Maybe it was a huge blessing, who knows what might have happened if she were to stay. Maybe something horrible would have happened, or maybe she was taken because she learned all she needed to on earth and she would always continue to have a huge impact on others. I know many have been touched by our experience and my family truly continues to feel her, she is not gone and I know never will be.
Heavenly Father always answers our prayers and sometimes it is in a way that we don't like or understand or on the time frame that we want, but remember it is his will and he knows what's best. It doesn't mean you have to always be happy about it and you might struggle with the answers like I have, but deep down we know we have to rely in our faith and try to understand it the best we can. All will be revealed in do time and when it is best for us.
Love to all and hope this helps those who may be struggling with similar questions. These are my thoughts and feelings.

Another First

Well I hit another first, I put Brookie in the crib in Kambers room last night. Let me explain why this is so hard. After loosing Kamber and at a young age it has made me worry a lot because now I really know that I have no control over when anyone is taken from this earth. I always tried to keep my girls safe and was almost paranoid about their safety. I never thought if anything happened to them it wouldn't be on my watch or at my home. Well it can happen on any ones watch no matter how safe you are. I have been so worried that I will have to live the same fate that I have with Kamber, but with another one of my girls and in a different way. I have worried what if tonight is Brookies last night and I didn't hold her enough or I didn't spend that last night with her by my side next to my bed where I could be there right away or sense something was wrong. I check on my girls often through the night just to make sure they are still breathing. Last night I decided I'm not letting the paranoia consume me for tonight. I laid Brookie down in Kambers crib and soon she was fast asleep. She just looked so comfy in a bed she can roll around in. I made in through the night, I have to admit that I did check on her a couple of times, but that is okay it just validated that she was okay and eventually I won't worry so much.
I know some people expect us to be over the loss of Kamber and would think we would just move on that there is nothing we can do about it. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, but do you put a price on your child's head? This is something we will deal with for the rest of our lives and the first year is really hard with all the firsts that we have to do with out Kamber. Last night was one of those firsts. It was different walking in the room to get Brookie and not Kamber, this morning it was different to hear Brookie in there making noises and not Kamber yelling maama or daada! I was sad not to hear her voice, but I just laid there remembering the sound of her sweet voice and then just listened to the sweet voice of a sweet little girl who was really in the room. I will soon hear my name called by a little girl, the voice my be different be there is a similarity because they are sisters. One day I will hear the sweet voice of Kamber calling my name and it will be beautiful, for now I try to enjoy all the sweetness of my girls here with me.

Quiet House

I have spent more time at home the past couple of days and the house is so quiet. It is actually to quiet, especially when Brookie goes down for a nap. I use to look forward to quiet time when Kamber was still around, but now I almost dread that time. I continue to try and find things to keep me busy, but there is only so much cleaning you can handle in one day, so there are times I just sit and think. I try not to let my thoughts get to deep because that is when the flash backs and if only's start to creep back into my mind and they do nothing but upset me. I find I try to focus on the positive and the great times I had with Kamber. One of my favorite times was rocking Kamber to sleep for her nap time during the day. Dora was always on at 12:30, so I would put it on the t.v. in the family room and hold her with her inky and watch Dora till she would fall asleep. It wouldn't take long before she was out no matter how hard she would fight not falling asleep. I would just hold her a while longer and run my fingers threw her blond hair and kiss her soft cheeks. I loved the smell of her skin and to touch her sweet little toes, thinking how perfect she was and what a fun sweet little girls she is. I miss those times just getting to enjoy her in my arms because when she was awake I spent my time chasing after her and cleaning up messes.
So at times I am thankful for my quiet house and the thoughts and memories that I have of Kamber!

Run In Memory of Kamber

Here is some more info:
-10k run is 6.2 miles, it sounds worse than it is, just know you don't even have to run it, many people walk it.
-The run is on Thanksgiving morning, therefore feel free to eat more pie!
-There is an entry fee, if I remember right it is $18.
-I am going to find the pricing on shirts, let me know if any are interested in one.

I'm excited to do this run and more the merrier! Running is becoming very therapeutic for me. This morning I was angry that Kamber is gone. I was mad that I don't get to go in her room and hold her and that there is no longer" Go Diego Go" playing on the t.v. I feel tired of dealing with the sadness and having to endure. It is just not fair, so I went in on the treadmill and ran my heart out. The more angry I felt the faster I ran, it was good! I now feel better, ready to handle what I have to face today.
Thanks to all that are wanting to participate in memory of Kamber!

Run for Kamber

I'm sad to report that I will not be doing the mini-triathalon in Casa Grande on the 1st of November. My life is a little out of control and I need to get my priorities straight. My husband and I have been put into the Activities Chair in our ward. That's right we are in charge of the parties in our ward and yes it is crazy busy right now because it is just before the two biggest parties of the year. Therefore I have not been able to prepare myself the way I need to for the race. Frankly I have days that I don't even want to exercise or even function. We have been sick and there are just to many things going on that it just is not going to work.
I am still going to run the Turkey Trot! Those of you that don't know what it is, It is a 10k run! I have done it once before and I have to say I was not very fast but I did not stop the whole time and that was my goal. I really enjoyed it and I am looking forward to doing it this year! My run this year is in memory of Kamber and I feel I can do anything for my girls. Any that would like to participate come join the fun! You can run, walk, and even roller blade this event. I saw lots of people doing a little of everything, they even brought their kids along. So come with me if you would like! I am thinking of having shirts made but for now it is just a thought. Hope to see you there and enjoy a run in memory of a sweet girl who loved everyone.

3 to 6 months

The first 3 to 6 months after a loved one passes away those that are mourning are in a state of denial. At least that I what I have heard, and I have to say for me it is partly true. I do find myself walking around wondering if this is really how it is going to be for the rest of my life here on earth. It is like my brain just can't fathom that Kamber really isn't here and won't ever be here for the rest of my earth life. I just doesn't seem possible that this is really true. These thoughts and feelings are so weird to experience. I have noticed since Kamber died that my brain is total mush. I was an airhead before, but man am I one now. I sure you all can tell by the quirky things I say in my posts and my spelling from time to time. It seems that even the simple things are so hard for me to do now. I have so many good intentions and ideas and I just can't focus on them long enough to get them done. Thank goodness I have family that is so understanding of my airhead things I do.
So am I in denial or is it that I just don't feel that Kamber is that far away? I feel as though she never left, even though we don't see her or hear her we can still feel her sweet spirit here with us. There are times I feel her a little more distant, but never to far that I feel she is completely gone. Maybe this is Heavenly Fathers way of helping us cope with her loss and showing us he never leaves us alone. It is a pure love he gives us and I am grateful he allows us to still feel our sweet Kamber with us always.

I Don't Know Everything But I Know Enough

I am grateful for testimony meeting in our ward today. The spirit was so strong and I knew the things that were being said were true. A girl spoke about a talk given during conference that was titled "I Don't Know Everything But I Know Enough." This talk touched my heart also. I really don't know everything, but I feel I do know enough to know this gospel is true. I know my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, and that I am a daughter of God. I'm thankful for thy son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me. I am grateful for the prophet of our church Pres. Monson that leads and guides our church under the direction of Christ. I'm grateful for temples and that I am sealed to my family. I'm grateful for eternal families and knowing we will be together as a family for eternity. I'm grateful for the scriptures and the many things that can be learned from them. I'm grateful for the power of prayer and priesthood blessings. I'm grateful for these things and blessings in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.