Last night I was having a hard time expressing how I felt to Ethan. I wasn't angry but I was upset. I missed Kamber so much. I was really sad but I guess was accepting the fact that she is gone. My heart just ached so I decided to write Kamber a letter to tell her how I felt.
Dear Kamber,
I miss you so much tonight. I have been fighting back the tears and somehow I just can't let them flow. I miss seeing you play with your sisters. Today Brookie is wearing one of your outfits that Tristyn gave you for Christmas when you were little. Brookie is getting so big and I know you would have so much fun playing with her. She squints her nose just like you use to. It is so fun to see part of you in her.
I was staring at one of your pictures tonight and I was thinking about how beautiful you are. Your eyebrows are perfectly shaped. You have beautiful big blue eyes that remind me of Grandpa Leonard. You have the cutest straight teeth with big luscious lips that when you smile it lights up your whole face. I love your blonde hair and I miss the smell and touch of it. I miss seeing your cute little legs sticking out of your shorts and especially when you would wear a night gown. But most of all I miss your hugs, kisses, and hearing you say "I Love You!" You were my world and you brought so much excitement and love to our family. It is almost like I can't believe you are really gone. I never thought this would be a part of my life. I never thought I would lose one of my beautiful daughters. I don't understand it. Really, Why did you have to go? I would have taught you well and you would have never lacked being loved. I would have done a good job taking care of you and trying my best to make you happy. I know you are in heaven and it is a special place but, I would have done my best to make here in our home special too.
I guess I am realizing that we have no say when we return to our Heavenly home. For some reason you were to return leaving us after only 2 1/2 years. What I can gather is that you are to special and pure for this wicked world. We knew before you were born that you were special, you have a light about you that was captivating. I feel lucky to have been chosen to be your mom. I have so much still to learn and I will do my best to learn well so I can have a chance to raise you again some day.
I just want you to know how much I love and miss you. Your daddy and sisters love and miss you so much. You are always in our prayers and we hope that you are having a wonderful time surrounded by people that love you. I will love you always my sweet Kamber.
Love your Mommy!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
6 Months
Today marks 6 months since our sweet Kamber passed away. It is interesting how your body just knows. Ethan and I couldn't help but wake up this morning with a sadness in our hearts and a longing to see Kamber running into our room as she did every morning. You don't know what we would have given to hear her sweet voice and see her beautiful smiling face! I didn't want to go to church today but somehow I mustered up the courage and took my girls and left Ethan at home with our sick baby Brookie. I found myself avoiding Sunday School and talking with a good friend of mine about life. Relief Society was good but made me nervous as the lesson started. I didn't want a lesson I would cry through, specially not today. I made it through and now I am safe in my home free to let my feelings out as I need.
Six months, has it really been that long and yet not long at all. It feels like eternity since I have seen Kamber.We just miss her today.
We love You Kamber!
Six months, has it really been that long and yet not long at all. It feels like eternity since I have seen Kamber.We just miss her today.
We love You Kamber!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Write A Book ?
I have been told by many that maybe I should write a book. My response is always " Your funny." My husband told me today that as he was showering and he was thinking that maybe I should write a book on my experiences about Kamber. I was totally shocked that my husband thought the same that others had felt and a thought that had passed through my mind but one that I have always put aside. I know that I don't have the best grammar or spelling and maybe sometimes the way I word things don't make sense but, I write how I feel at the time and the way I would talk to someone if they were standing right in front of me.
I have had some really neat experiences and many that I do not post on the blog but, I always record them. I have been told that I am very real and raw about my emotions on the blog and that many people feel it is refreshing. This is not how I have always been throughout my life but something has changed in me and hopefully it is for the better. I don't want to sugar coat my life because Life is Hard. People tend to understand the loss of a mother, father, grandparents and etc. but I have noticed there seems to be no understanding behind the loss of a child. It is actually something that people would rather not even have to think about. Life is different after you lose a child in a very dramatic way. Sad to say but you are treated different. There is a shift in your life and in the life of your family, one that you would rather not have but it is there without any warning.
I have read some books on grief and haven't found any that are really real about the grief of a mother. I would like something that tells of the dark side and then tells of the most uplifting and glorious experiences that Heavenly Father allows a mother to experience. The blessings and the hardships of a loss that cannot even be explained. To others that read they get only a little glimpse to the heart ache but, to the families that have endured this loss it is a validation of their feelings. This would be the purpose of a book, to help others. This is just a thought and I kind of feel retarded even mentioning it but, the subject has come up many times. Anyways, this post is just to get some feed back. What do you think?
I have had some really neat experiences and many that I do not post on the blog but, I always record them. I have been told that I am very real and raw about my emotions on the blog and that many people feel it is refreshing. This is not how I have always been throughout my life but something has changed in me and hopefully it is for the better. I don't want to sugar coat my life because Life is Hard. People tend to understand the loss of a mother, father, grandparents and etc. but I have noticed there seems to be no understanding behind the loss of a child. It is actually something that people would rather not even have to think about. Life is different after you lose a child in a very dramatic way. Sad to say but you are treated different. There is a shift in your life and in the life of your family, one that you would rather not have but it is there without any warning.
I have read some books on grief and haven't found any that are really real about the grief of a mother. I would like something that tells of the dark side and then tells of the most uplifting and glorious experiences that Heavenly Father allows a mother to experience. The blessings and the hardships of a loss that cannot even be explained. To others that read they get only a little glimpse to the heart ache but, to the families that have endured this loss it is a validation of their feelings. This would be the purpose of a book, to help others. This is just a thought and I kind of feel retarded even mentioning it but, the subject has come up many times. Anyways, this post is just to get some feed back. What do you think?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
A Mind Is A Powerful Thing
Last night I had a bad dream. I don't remember any pictures or necessarily any details but I have figured out what the dream was about. In my dream I was running and screaming, the exact scream I had when I found Kamber. I felt the rush of energy and panic that I felt that day. I also felt the shock and numbness that over come my body when the doctors told me that there is nothing else they can do and realizing that Kamber is really gone. I can remember the feeling of realizing that I really have no control over what happens to my children and that it doesn't matter how good of a parent you are or how much you love your child and do good things that bad things happen. There was also the realization that how much I know and believe in the plan of salvation it doesn't make all the heart ache go away and instantly mend your heart. At the end of the dream it took my breath away as I realized that Kamber has really died and yes this is my reality in my dream and when I wake. I was thankful that last night I didn't have to see the pictures along with the feelings and emotions but, as I woke I knew my mind already knew the pictures that go with the story. What a blessing it was to just feel those feelings and not have the pictures playing out at the same time as hard as it was to feel. I think that Heavenly Father knew if that had happened it would have sent my back into a spiral downward. Heavenly Father can't protect us from everything but, he can give us little tender mercies to help us stay balanced.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
San Diego
The day after Christmas we went to San Diego for a much needed break from reality. We met our friends the McNeil's and the Nash's for a weekend of fun. Here was one of our favorite spots. We went to Sea Port Village and saw the aircraft carriers. These boats are huge! We were going to do a tour but it is expensive and there were a lot of stairs and with our chunk a bunka Brookie it would have been hard. We had a lot o fun on this trip. We missed Kamber and knew she would have loved all the fun things we did. I will post more on my family blog soon.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
This was our first Christmas party for the season. Family Tradition on Ethan's side of the family is to meet with the Greer side of the family and eat yummy green chili burros, good desserts, sing songs, do a nativity with all the kids and read the book Turkey Trot. I was a little nervous about going not knowing how I would feel but it did okay. Each year they have someone in each family introduce their family because there are always new member due to new children being born. This year I fought back the tears as my family was introduced and one member was missing. It was hard not to hear Kambers name and seeing her run around with all the other cousins. Then we sing the twelve days of Christmas and each month represents each day. So all the January birthdays sing the first day, February birthdays sing the second day etc. Well, Kamber being a February birthday again one person was missing, not that she could sing but she was missing. The party continued on and we made it through, I know she was with us in spirit and I am grateful for that. The above picture is Brookie playing the baby Jesus, Tayler was Mary, and Kylie in the background as an angel. How perfect was it for Kylie to play the angel, last year that is the part that Kamber played.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The Pool Picture
I don't think I have spoken about the significance of the picture I have on the blog. Why would I have a picture of Kamber in the pool when that is what took her life? I worried about other people might think when I had this picture among many at the funeral and wondered what thoughts would go through people head as it was put as the header for my Kamber blog. Then I decided I don't care what people think, this picture is very special to me and my family.
A couple of months before Kamber died we went as a family to Las Vegas. This was a yearly tradition that was started by my brother and sister in law and his family. They go each year for my bro. in laws dads convention and they have invited us to go with the past few years. I was reluctant to go the first year not liking what Las Vegas had to offer but, it has turned into one of our families favorite vacations. Not every thing is bad there and it is what you choose to do that can be bad or good. Our time there is spent swimming in the huge pools and playing in the waterfalls during the day with a nice nap in the middle from being exhausted chasing kids from one pool to the next. We love to take the kids to the adventure dome at Circus Circus and let them ride the rides. The Stratosphere is always fun for the kids to feel they are on top of the world. The knight show at Excalibur is a fun dinner and show for the kids, and some nights are fun just hanging out in the hotel room and ordering room service. This vacation is always fun and relaxing doing what ever we want. But our favorite part is the pool during the day. I don't know a kid who doesn't like to be in the water. Our Kamber was a little fish! During this last vacation Kamber would jump in the pool head first with her floaties on out to Uncle BJ. She had no fear! She of course wouldn't go very far under the water because her floaties wouldn't allow her to but, she loved it and would hop out and do it over and over again. This made the lifeguards nervous and one came over and told us that she had to stop jumping in unless she would jump feet first. Well being two she didn't like being told no and continued a couple more times and then gave up. It was after that she swam over to me and sat on the steps. I thought she looked so cute so I grabbed my camera to take a picture. At first she didn't want me to take her picture and then it became a game. Finally she sat still enough and gave me a silly grin. I had forgotten about this picture till after she died and we were finding pictures we wanted framed for the funeral. This one showed up and tears just flowed from Ethan and my eyes. There was the perfect picture to treasure for always. It captures her beauty, personality and her favorite thing to do in the whole world. The very thing that made her so happy and the very thing that took her life. This picture is perfect and will always have a special spot in our home. It is constant reminder of the fun we had as a family and to continue to try and enjoy life as Kamber did.
A couple of months before Kamber died we went as a family to Las Vegas. This was a yearly tradition that was started by my brother and sister in law and his family. They go each year for my bro. in laws dads convention and they have invited us to go with the past few years. I was reluctant to go the first year not liking what Las Vegas had to offer but, it has turned into one of our families favorite vacations. Not every thing is bad there and it is what you choose to do that can be bad or good. Our time there is spent swimming in the huge pools and playing in the waterfalls during the day with a nice nap in the middle from being exhausted chasing kids from one pool to the next. We love to take the kids to the adventure dome at Circus Circus and let them ride the rides. The Stratosphere is always fun for the kids to feel they are on top of the world. The knight show at Excalibur is a fun dinner and show for the kids, and some nights are fun just hanging out in the hotel room and ordering room service. This vacation is always fun and relaxing doing what ever we want. But our favorite part is the pool during the day. I don't know a kid who doesn't like to be in the water. Our Kamber was a little fish! During this last vacation Kamber would jump in the pool head first with her floaties on out to Uncle BJ. She had no fear! She of course wouldn't go very far under the water because her floaties wouldn't allow her to but, she loved it and would hop out and do it over and over again. This made the lifeguards nervous and one came over and told us that she had to stop jumping in unless she would jump feet first. Well being two she didn't like being told no and continued a couple more times and then gave up. It was after that she swam over to me and sat on the steps. I thought she looked so cute so I grabbed my camera to take a picture. At first she didn't want me to take her picture and then it became a game. Finally she sat still enough and gave me a silly grin. I had forgotten about this picture till after she died and we were finding pictures we wanted framed for the funeral. This one showed up and tears just flowed from Ethan and my eyes. There was the perfect picture to treasure for always. It captures her beauty, personality and her favorite thing to do in the whole world. The very thing that made her so happy and the very thing that took her life. This picture is perfect and will always have a special spot in our home. It is constant reminder of the fun we had as a family and to continue to try and enjoy life as Kamber did.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Return to Kamber.
Every time I sign out of my Kamber blog the next screen that pulls up says Return to Kamber. Each time I think in my head if you only knew how much I wish to Return to Kamber. I think it is interesting that the screen says that but, I kind of like it. It reminds me each day to try hard and always strive to be a better person so that I can Return to Kamber. I am learning many lessons through this trial and one is that I don't have to be perfect and Heavenly Father doesn't expect that from me. As long as I am doing the best I can at the time then Heavenly Father will make up the rest. He understands my feelings and how hard this trial is for me. He must know that some how I will find a way to endure it and make it back to him and Kamber.
Having to endure the loss of Kamber puts new meaning on the thought I would do anything for my children. I can honestly say yes. I would lose having Kamber here for a long life on earth with me to guarantee her Celestial life in Heaven. We as a family were willing to take on this challenge just to have her be a part of our family. It is a blessing to have such a special child, though the challenge of the trial at times seems unbearable. You see, sometimes I can see the big picture and often the natural man steps in and puts blinders on and I can only see what is being handed to me at the time. It is an up and down roller coaster and moving to the top is very steep and can take a long time to reach. Just like a roller coaster getting to the bottom only takes seconds.
I am grateful for my Kamber blog that I can write my feelings and have an outlet for some of my pain. I am thankful to have something that I can pass down to family members for them to read and maybe it will be something that can show strength and growth amidst my trials.
Having to endure the loss of Kamber puts new meaning on the thought I would do anything for my children. I can honestly say yes. I would lose having Kamber here for a long life on earth with me to guarantee her Celestial life in Heaven. We as a family were willing to take on this challenge just to have her be a part of our family. It is a blessing to have such a special child, though the challenge of the trial at times seems unbearable. You see, sometimes I can see the big picture and often the natural man steps in and puts blinders on and I can only see what is being handed to me at the time. It is an up and down roller coaster and moving to the top is very steep and can take a long time to reach. Just like a roller coaster getting to the bottom only takes seconds.
I am grateful for my Kamber blog that I can write my feelings and have an outlet for some of my pain. I am thankful to have something that I can pass down to family members for them to read and maybe it will be something that can show strength and growth amidst my trials.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I LOVE YOU TOO!
Okay so truth be told I have been struggling a lot the past few months. My emotions are so mixed and life is just hard and that is an understatement. One strong emotion I have had is that I have been mad at the whole situation of Kamber being gone and if I were to blame anyone for her death it would be me and I guess Heavenly Father for not letting me know Kamber was in danger so I could save her. There are so many people that get promptings and are able to save people and I felt nothing. For the first time in my life I haven't truly known what I believe anymore. I know what my heart tells me but, my mind doesn't want to believe it. I felt as if I have been standing alone with no help, I have felt nothing. My mind has just been spinning round and round. I have found myself just wanting to give up and not have to worry about anything anymore.
I was talking to Candi last night about how I have really felt and she just listened and validated my feelings. She didn't try to preach to me or worry if I was loosing my testimony. She didn't run to her scriptures and find a verse to try and make it better, nor did she ask me if I was saying my prayers, going to church, the temple, reading my scriptures, having family home evening, and trying to be perfect in every way. She just listened and made me feel that it is okay to have hard times, it is okay not to be perfect in everything you do. Heavenly Father knows when you are doing the best you can at the time. All of my family tells me I am doing so good, but I don't let people see me on my hard days but, here lately I haven't been able to control it as well. I have thought that if people saw the hard times then it would mean I am weak and maybe I really can't endure this trial. The biggest thing about not wanting people to see me cry is that people tend to stare. It is different when it is family watching you cry because I can see the pain and understanding in their eyes, they feel it to. But people I don't know that well, I don't like to let my emotions out. That is part of why church is so hard for me right now. I know the members in my ward will understand but I just don't like it and the lessons don't always make me feel better, many times I leave worse than I was before I got there. This has nothing to do with the teachers, it is just part of my life right now. Trust me I feel the spirit very often but sometimes you don't want to hear all about what you already know, you just want to know that what you are feeling is okay. It is truly okay to be sad about Kamber even though she is in Heaven.
Now that I have rambled I will get back to what I was talking to Candi about. I told her that I just wished that Heavenly Father would let Kamber come to see me every once in a while and let me maybe talk to her. I have felt like she was taken and I was left to deal and be torchered. These words have also been in my prayers every night and that I was sorry that I felt that way but, deep down I have felt that Heavenly Father understood my feelings. Well, last night he must have heard me and felt that I have suffered enough because Kamber came to me in a dream. I am not going to go into detail about my dream but, I will tell you that she said
"I LUV U!" and hugged me and I told her "I LOVE YOU TOO!" and held her. The entire dream was so real and lasted what seemed like a day, it was a wonderful time with her. I have always wondered if Kamber really knew how much I love her and if she loved me as much as I loved her. Had she forgiven me for not being able to save her? I feel that my questions were answered last night and I now have a stronger testimony of the love that Heavenly Father has for me. He let me have that experience that I so needed to be able to deal a little l0nger even though I had been so angry with him. Trials aren't meant to torcher they are meant for us to learn as hard as it may be on us and for Heavenly Father to have to let us go through them. I am thankful for my experience last night with Kamber.
My little sweetheart "I LUV YOU TOO!"
I was talking to Candi last night about how I have really felt and she just listened and validated my feelings. She didn't try to preach to me or worry if I was loosing my testimony. She didn't run to her scriptures and find a verse to try and make it better, nor did she ask me if I was saying my prayers, going to church, the temple, reading my scriptures, having family home evening, and trying to be perfect in every way. She just listened and made me feel that it is okay to have hard times, it is okay not to be perfect in everything you do. Heavenly Father knows when you are doing the best you can at the time. All of my family tells me I am doing so good, but I don't let people see me on my hard days but, here lately I haven't been able to control it as well. I have thought that if people saw the hard times then it would mean I am weak and maybe I really can't endure this trial. The biggest thing about not wanting people to see me cry is that people tend to stare. It is different when it is family watching you cry because I can see the pain and understanding in their eyes, they feel it to. But people I don't know that well, I don't like to let my emotions out. That is part of why church is so hard for me right now. I know the members in my ward will understand but I just don't like it and the lessons don't always make me feel better, many times I leave worse than I was before I got there. This has nothing to do with the teachers, it is just part of my life right now. Trust me I feel the spirit very often but sometimes you don't want to hear all about what you already know, you just want to know that what you are feeling is okay. It is truly okay to be sad about Kamber even though she is in Heaven.
Now that I have rambled I will get back to what I was talking to Candi about. I told her that I just wished that Heavenly Father would let Kamber come to see me every once in a while and let me maybe talk to her. I have felt like she was taken and I was left to deal and be torchered. These words have also been in my prayers every night and that I was sorry that I felt that way but, deep down I have felt that Heavenly Father understood my feelings. Well, last night he must have heard me and felt that I have suffered enough because Kamber came to me in a dream. I am not going to go into detail about my dream but, I will tell you that she said
"I LUV U!" and hugged me and I told her "I LOVE YOU TOO!" and held her. The entire dream was so real and lasted what seemed like a day, it was a wonderful time with her. I have always wondered if Kamber really knew how much I love her and if she loved me as much as I loved her. Had she forgiven me for not being able to save her? I feel that my questions were answered last night and I now have a stronger testimony of the love that Heavenly Father has for me. He let me have that experience that I so needed to be able to deal a little l0nger even though I had been so angry with him. Trials aren't meant to torcher they are meant for us to learn as hard as it may be on us and for Heavenly Father to have to let us go through them. I am thankful for my experience last night with Kamber.
My little sweetheart "I LUV YOU TOO!"
Monday, January 5, 2009
We Went Out Of Town
We went out of town the day after Christmas to California. It was great! I didn't have to think of anything other than what we were doing for the day. Once my computer is fixed I will post pictures of our vacation. I am noticing it is hard to come home. I am back surrounded by all the reminders of what is missing. I don't feel Kamber as often and I wonder if that is just how it will be as time goes on. I am noticing that I hate this house and love it all at the same time. I hate that every where I look I see reminders of her,every where and some days it is more than I can handle and other days it makes me happy. But, I can't imagine living any where else right now. This is the place with the last memories of Kamber. Christmas was Kambers 5 month mark, wasn't that nice little spin to add to the day? It wasn't all horrible though, it made it bitter- sweet.
As a mom having to deal with this sort of loss 5 months out does not make things any better and no it is not enough time to get over the fact that my daughter is gone.
While we were on vacation someone asked my husband the dreaded question with all of us standing right there. So you have 3 beautiful girls? My husband hesitated and then popped out actually we have 4 daughters, my 2 year old passed away a few months ago. Her mouth dropped and I could see the sadness in her eyes as she turned to me and asked How do you get over that? My response was You don't. She shook her head as though she was agreeing with me.
That is it YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T! You find ways to deal with it everyday and some days you deal with it better than others but you don't ever get over it.
So now I am back to reality and plugging along because vacations are not realities,this here at home is. Some days that reality is really, really good and those are days that I can pull myself together and really enjoy my family.
As a mom having to deal with this sort of loss 5 months out does not make things any better and no it is not enough time to get over the fact that my daughter is gone.
While we were on vacation someone asked my husband the dreaded question with all of us standing right there. So you have 3 beautiful girls? My husband hesitated and then popped out actually we have 4 daughters, my 2 year old passed away a few months ago. Her mouth dropped and I could see the sadness in her eyes as she turned to me and asked How do you get over that? My response was You don't. She shook her head as though she was agreeing with me.
That is it YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T! You find ways to deal with it everyday and some days you deal with it better than others but you don't ever get over it.
So now I am back to reality and plugging along because vacations are not realities,this here at home is. Some days that reality is really, really good and those are days that I can pull myself together and really enjoy my family.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year!
It is a new year and hopefully will be filled with fun and exciting moments just waiting to be memories for years to come. 2008 is the year that definitely has changed mine and my families life forever. What a jam packed year of ups and downs, some memories so fun and exciting (Brookie being born and fun vacations!) and others memories that have brought the most sadness I have ever endured. (the loss of Kamber) The year also brought lots of growth spiritually and of course physically since we are another year older and closer to 30. Would I change last year, I don't really know. I don't regret how much time we spent together as a family, I did have Kamber in my life for a short time and that last 7 months with her probably was the most fun, and we developed lots of beautiful memories in those last 7 months. Do I wish she never died, of course I do but would I bring her back now that she is with our Heavenly Father and in a perfect place, no way. I would sacrifice it all again just to have had her with us for that short time.
We are learning and growing every day and I am sure 2009 is going to be a struggle for us in every aspect but I know there will be lots of growth and learning that will come with this new year and new trial. We hope every one has a great new year to come.
Starting this new year I may not post everyday, I will post as often as I feel the need as I move through the emotions of loosing my sweet Kamber.
A Christmas post will be coming soon, when I feel that I can handle diving back into that emotional day.
Lots of Love,
Jen
We are learning and growing every day and I am sure 2009 is going to be a struggle for us in every aspect but I know there will be lots of growth and learning that will come with this new year and new trial. We hope every one has a great new year to come.
Starting this new year I may not post everyday, I will post as often as I feel the need as I move through the emotions of loosing my sweet Kamber.
A Christmas post will be coming soon, when I feel that I can handle diving back into that emotional day.
Lots of Love,
Jen
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
My First Christmas With Jesus
My First Christmas With Jesus
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the
Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside
your heart.But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. After all, love
is a gift more precious than pure gold.It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep
each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
This poem was given to me by a sweet reader, Kim.
Thank you of the comforting poem and I am trying to focus on the wonderful Christmas Kamber gets to have.
This will be my post for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday!
Love,
The Larsen Family
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the
Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside
your heart.But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. After all, love
is a gift more precious than pure gold.It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep
each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
This poem was given to me by a sweet reader, Kim.
Thank you of the comforting poem and I am trying to focus on the wonderful Christmas Kamber gets to have.
This will be my post for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday!
Love,
The Larsen Family
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Here we go
Tonight is our first Holiday party to go to. It is a tradition on my husbands side of the family to do a Christmas party with Grandma and Grandpa Greer's side of the family. We get to see extended family that we don't see that often during the year. I look forward to it every year and so do my girls. This year I have to admit I am a little anxious knowing that my Kamber is missing out on the fun of being with her cousins. Actually it has been bothering me a lot, I couldn't even sleep last night. I have tried to avoid the fact that Christmas is coming but now there is no avoiding because it is here. I want my girls to enjoy there Christmas and all the fun family things we do. I wish there was a handbook to tell families that have lost a child the best way to deal with the holidays is... Nope no handbook, we get to figure this one out on our own just like everything else.
I am trying to focus on the fact that Christmas is about Christ but, it brings me a 360 back to thinking about Kamber. I wouldn't get to be with Kamber again without Christ. Kamber is in Heaven with Christ and as happy as that makes me at times to know she is happy and safe, it makes me horribly sad also to not get to see her happy face and that is really hard to take. I would not have her come back to this earth now after being in a perfect place with so much happiness but it is sure hard being left behind. I hope she knows we miss her and love her but want her to have the best Christmas ever!
I am trying to focus on the fact that Christmas is about Christ but, it brings me a 360 back to thinking about Kamber. I wouldn't get to be with Kamber again without Christ. Kamber is in Heaven with Christ and as happy as that makes me at times to know she is happy and safe, it makes me horribly sad also to not get to see her happy face and that is really hard to take. I would not have her come back to this earth now after being in a perfect place with so much happiness but it is sure hard being left behind. I hope she knows we miss her and love her but want her to have the best Christmas ever!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Bills
I think another one of the hardest things in grief to deal with is the medical bills that you have to pay for a child that is no longer living. The people on the other end have NO sympathy! All I ever seem to hear is that we are not paying enough. WHAT? In this economy they should be grateful that they at least have someone paying them period, right? We happen to be lucky enough to be able to pay our bills even the ones that I wish we could just walk away from and it is not enough. The hospital worked on Kamber for about 10 min., maybe a little longer but no more than about 20 before they called it and the bill is outrageous! I am not blaming the rudeness of the people in their billing on anyone that worked so hard to save Kambers life and I truly believe that there was nothing anyone here on earth could have done to save her but, the billing department could be more kind.
Life is just hard in so many ways with out Kamber here and I wold have paid millions of dollars and have it take my whole life to pay off for the chance of someone being able to save her life. It is just hard especially when you are trying your best, being honest and paying what you can to make sure the wonderful people that really tried to save my little get paid.
We do have a family friend that is so kind to help with this hospital bill and make the payments a little more reasonable. Thanks, Brent!
Life is just hard in so many ways with out Kamber here and I wold have paid millions of dollars and have it take my whole life to pay off for the chance of someone being able to save her life. It is just hard especially when you are trying your best, being honest and paying what you can to make sure the wonderful people that really tried to save my little get paid.
We do have a family friend that is so kind to help with this hospital bill and make the payments a little more reasonable. Thanks, Brent!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Gone Too Soon
This is a title for a book that I have read and I have mentioned it on this blog before. I have found a quote that I like but don't feel that of now I feel the emotions that it talks about, but maybe some day.
I feel that Kamber is "Gone Too Soon" my hear aches for her. I am happy for her, she has made It! BUt yet I am so sad for me, my husband, my girls, and all the other family and friends that hurt with the absence of Kamber. That is what stinks, we are left here to fight through this HARD battle. Do you see how a mother is torn in so many directions? This is why it is so confusing. You long for your little one but yet know you need to be happy for them. Because as a parent you only want what is best for your kids, right? That is always what I have wanted, I just never thought that I would loose a child. We knew she was special in her own way, but Wow. I know that each one of my children are special spirits reserved for our home and have come at there appointed time. There is so much beauty in that, maybe some day when I get my head somewhat screwed back on we can have another little spirit come stay with us for a while and for my own selfish reasons stay longer that 2 years.
Here is the quote by Sherri D. Whittwer the Author of the book Gone Too Soon:
Perhaps the most exciting element in this stage is that the true greatness and resilience of the human spirit becomes apparent in many lives. Those who endure tragedy can claim to have truly lived - to have experienced every human emotion in the spectrum. Those who survive tragedy join the elite group of mankind who have suffered and triumphed over the depths of despair.
I feel that Kamber is "Gone Too Soon" my hear aches for her. I am happy for her, she has made It! BUt yet I am so sad for me, my husband, my girls, and all the other family and friends that hurt with the absence of Kamber. That is what stinks, we are left here to fight through this HARD battle. Do you see how a mother is torn in so many directions? This is why it is so confusing. You long for your little one but yet know you need to be happy for them. Because as a parent you only want what is best for your kids, right? That is always what I have wanted, I just never thought that I would loose a child. We knew she was special in her own way, but Wow. I know that each one of my children are special spirits reserved for our home and have come at there appointed time. There is so much beauty in that, maybe some day when I get my head somewhat screwed back on we can have another little spirit come stay with us for a while and for my own selfish reasons stay longer that 2 years.
Here is the quote by Sherri D. Whittwer the Author of the book Gone Too Soon:
Perhaps the most exciting element in this stage is that the true greatness and resilience of the human spirit becomes apparent in many lives. Those who endure tragedy can claim to have truly lived - to have experienced every human emotion in the spectrum. Those who survive tragedy join the elite group of mankind who have suffered and triumphed over the depths of despair.
Friday, December 19, 2008
The Bereaved
Bereaved People are like Ducks:
Above the Surface.....Looking Composed and Unruffled
Below the Surface.....Paddling Like Crazy
Above the Surface.....Looking Composed and Unruffled
Below the Surface.....Paddling Like Crazy
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Secret Santa!
We have had a Secret Santa coming to our home for the past few nights. I admit we have tried to catch him but he is way to sneaky us. Actually we really don't want to know because then that takes the fun out of it. My girls look forward every night to seeing what the Santa will bring! We are grateful for this person bringing a little joy to each day during this very hard time. Were would this world be without the Secret Santa's. Thanks to who ever it is I don't know if you read this blog or not but if so thanks for bringing a smile to my girls faces each day.
We also have had the Young Women in our ward do the 12 days of Christmas in a basket for my girls and they have really enjoyed it also. It is the little things that can make all the difference! Thanks Fremont Hill Young Women!
We also have had the Young Women in our ward do the 12 days of Christmas in a basket for my girls and they have really enjoyed it also. It is the little things that can make all the difference! Thanks Fremont Hill Young Women!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Trying to Learn
I want to post for memories later, even though I am still struggling. I am trying every day to learn as I move through this anger. I think it is going to take time and I would rather not elaborate on my feelings until a later date. I continue to do my best as I survive each day and survive is just a down play on my feelings. I guess I didn't realize that these emotions would really come for me. But here they are and I am doing my best.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Kamber Tree
Here is my Kamber Tree and my angel that I found. You can't see all the decorations that I have on my tree but, you can see the purple! Up close the tree looks nice and I am happy with how it turned out for this year. It is still a little bare but that is great because each year we will be adding a new ornament to the tree. I am so happy to have the little angel beside my tree to represent Kamber. Next year I will be decorating my angel, I saw a really cute idea at Michael's.
Anyways here it is and we are glad to have beauty to add to our home. These sort of things will have to do for now since we can't have Kambers beauty here right now.
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