Little One

Many of you know one of my best friends Valerie McNeil. She finally had her baby boy on Monday early morning. I'm so happy for her and her family, she was definitely ready to have her baby. The last month of pregnancy I think is pure torcher. We went as a family yesterday to see the sweet little one sent to a wonderful family. Baby boy looks good and mom looks great! The McNeil should be so proud of such a cutie!
I couldn't help but think of this sweet child just sent from heaven. He just left our Heavenly Fathers presence. It brings tears to my eyes to really think deep and hard about that consept. Just hours before he was there with Heavenly Father saying goodbye to all his friends and family. Birth of a little child is absolutely a beautiful thing. I guess before I just took it for granted, but now I feel I have a deeper connection to what really happens. Kamber is there, the same place these spirits are leaving to go through the trial of life. This little boy came straight from the same place my sweet girl is. In some ways this is so sweet and in other way it hurts a little. The selfish side of me wants me little girl here regardless of the neat things she is experiencing. It also gives some comfort to know Kamber is with her other siblings waiting to come to earth to be with us. Part of me wants to say she is with her brothers, but with our pattern I could be totally wrong. Regardless she is their with them, teaching them wonderful things and hopefully telling them good things about us to.
I'm thankful for sweet little children and their Christ like personalities. I thankful for a Heavenly Father that trusts us to raise some of his most choice children. I know the McNeils will do a great job raising their choice children in a way that Heavenly Fathers is pleased. Congrats guys on your sweet new baby boy!

We're Back!

I think going out of town is one of the harder things I have had to do since Kamber passed away. I pretty much freaked out just before we where leaving. I just couldn't handle the thought that Kamber was not going with us. We absolutely love going on vacations with her. It brought back so many memories of the last vacation we had as a whole family. I remember looking in the back seat with Kambers eyes fixed on the movie Go Diego Go. She watched the movie the whole time up to the cabin and the whole way back singing the songs. Ethan and I would just laugh and think she was the cutest thing we ever did see. It really bothered me to know we wouldn't get to see that this time and that we wouldn't get to hear her sweet voice from the back. This feeling was so gut wrenching. Needless to say we had a great time and we did think of Kamber often. Our girls were happy to just play and enjoy each other. It was fun to spend time with family and friends not having to worry about what was going on in our life. I'm glad to be home, but it is another reminder of what is lost. I'm sure life will continue to be this way for a long time to come.

Going out of Town

We are attempting to go on our first trip out of town. I agreed to it not thinking anything of it. Well the human body is amazing. I have had anxiety like you would not believe. It is really hard on me to pack since this is exactly the thing I was doing the day Kamber passed away. It all seems too real and my body is definitely recognizing it. My mind keeps telling me that last time I was going through this motion it made for a bad outcome. I know this is something I need to fight through or we will never go anywhere. My emotions are raw knowing Kamber should be with us and she is not. This is a moment it just does not seem fair. Kamber loved going on family vacations and she is part of what made them so much fun! My heart is so torn, this means a lot to my family especially my girls to take them and enjoy life, but on the other side my heart is breaking knowing we are missing one. Anyways, off we go and I know all will be okay, life has to go on, if not for me, for my girls and that is what keeps me going.

Strength

Thanks for the comments yesterday. One sweet lady said in her comment about how many say they are amazed by my strength and then she says" I bet you don't think you have strength, do you?" I would like to answer this question. Many do say that I have much strength,that they are amazed by my faith. What I write in my posts are truely how I am feeling and what I know to be true. It is not me being bigger than I am or what I would like to be. If you notice there are many times my posts start out about how sad I am and by the time I get half way through writing them I have a peace that comes over me that reminds me who I am what I am here for and reassures me of Heavenly Fathers plan. I don't feel it is my strength, but the strength of my kind Heavenly Father and a sweet angel child up in heaven. Faith does play a major factor in my survival. I have learned to do this from a young age since the time that my dad got sick and died. That all started when I was 7 yrs. old and my dad passed when I was 13. He was my best friend and he was taken, but I know it was best for him so he did not have to suffer anymore. Therefore, I learned to rely on my Savior at a very young age since I felt totally alone. Death of a loved one and hard trials can do one of two things to a person: It can make you miserable or make you a better person. I choose to try my best for it to make me a better person. I can easily see how it can make you miserable. It has done just that for some people in my life. I wish I could change their feelings but it is not for me to change.
So is it strength that I have? Maybe, but I like to call it surviving. I'm doing the best I can for myself and others. If my "strength" helps others come one step closer to their Heavenly Father, family and people they care about then it is worth it. Thanks for your comments and know that I do rely a lot on your strength to. Knowing others care helps me a lot. Alisha, I love the thought that 2 months down is really two months closer to the time I get to be with Kamber.
Lots of Love to everyone!

2 Months

Today marks 2 months since Kamber passed away. I some ways it feels like it has flown by and in others it feels like it has gone by so slow. My emotions are still all over the place. I never know how my day is going to go. I do feel that now I can deal with the feelings a little better. In some ways I feel that I'm in denial of it all. Many times I think, did this really happen? It seems as if she is just on a short vacation or just sleeping over at someones house and she'll be back. In some sense that feeling can be true because she is gone for just a short time in the eternal realm of things. She is on a wonderful vacation with the best company ever! I just wish the short while that Kamber is gone from us didn't feel like an eternity to me. This feels like it is something that I can't endure, a test that I'm going to fail miserably at. My sister in law Candi told me something great "Heavenly Father is not waiting in Heaven to hit you over the head when you come." That statement can be take in so many ways. Today I take it as: He is not going to be there to tell me "You cried to much, you should have reached out more, there were times you gave up, why didn't you do better?" Heavenly Father only expects us to do our best. We know when we are giving are all and he will pick up the rest. So today I'm thankful for Kamber and the lessons she has taught me and I will do my best not only for myself but for my family.

Exercise

Exercising is so good for the body, mind, and soul. I have signed up for a 3 month trial run at Fitness Works. Today I did a kickboxing class and once again it kicked my booty. I loved every minute of it! This definitely helped me to get out all the frustrations I had bottled up today. Instead of beating someone up today I just pretended to! j/k This class helped my mind to clear and to now focus on new matters for the day. I was able to accomplish the things I needed to with lots of energy. I'm thankful for a health body and I'm realizing it is a true miracle to be so healthy. Sorry again to have a late post. Have a great night everyone!

Kylie's Day!

I'm so sorry to all for not posting sooner. My day has been a bit crazy. It is Kylies B-day today and I wasn't planning on doing a party for her till Saturday because today is a school night but I found out today would be easier for a majority of the people invited to her celebration! I have run around getting last minute things done for my sweet 6 yr.old. Kylie has grown up so fast and is turning into a beautiful girl. We are proud of the sweetheart she is. I would say as of now she is the most like Kamber and they were the best of friends. She hasn't mentioned the loss of Kamber today and the fact that she isn't here to spend her birthday with her, but I pretty sure the subject will eventually come up because Kylie talks of Kamber often. I hope Kylie feels Kambers presence today and knows how much she loves her.
Last night Kylie said our prayer for our dinner. She loves when it is her turn and loves to pray for Kamber. Her prayer went something like this: Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for this day. Please bless Kamber that she will be safe and she won't get hurt anymore. Please let her know we love her and we want her here with us. Please keep her safe and don't let her get hurt because we love her. She repeated that phrase a couple of times then ended with: In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. She cares so much for her little sister, what a sweet prayer. My eyes teared up and my heart swelled thinking of the hurt that Kylie feels. If I could only mend the broken heart of my little girls. I am thankful for each one of them and for the new beautiful personalities they bring to our family. I hope they will each one know how much their dad and I love them and how grateful we are to have them in our family. This is my goal that they will know these things without a shadow of a doubt how we feel no matter what comes their way throughout life.
Happy Birthday Kylie we love you a million times over!

Evaluation

Losing a loved one I think definitely makes you evaluated your life. I feel you find who is really there for you because they care and who is there for you for themselves. I am finding I need positive people in my life because that is what I am striving for myself. I'm not perfect, but I can say it is something I work for everyday. I need to serve others, I need to be more uplifting, I need to be kind, and I need to be happy. These are things I need to be doing so I pose these questions : Are you trying to do service? Are you kind? Are you happy? Do you uplift others? Do others in your life uplift you? These are all questions I have asked myself. I have started filtering through my life and doing what is best for me and my family. Many might see it as selfish, but I see it as surviving. You might see yourself asking the same questions. I feel answering these questions in your own life can only change it for the better. The little things in life really don't matter , but the ones that influence your core beliefs and your being are worth fighting for. I feel this blog is one way for me to be uplifted and for me to strive and uplift others. If I can help one person today then it is worth it. I appreciate all the sweet comments and uplifting words. Thanks for helping me through this challenge you have just done your service and have uplift one person today :)

Torn

What do I do? I am torn to know what to do with Kambers room. This room was to be Brookies and Kamber was going to move into Kylies room once Brookie was big enough. Little did I know Kamber was going to be gone when Brookie was only 3 months. It was only going to be days before I was to make the room switch. Well Brookie is still in my room. I can't bring myself to moving Kambers stuff out and put Brookies things in. I don't know if I'm more afraid of the emotions that will arise if I go through Kambers things and pack them up or if it is that I feel like I'm replacing her. I know deep in my heart that I'm not replacing her with Brookie, but it is hard to think that I won't have a place to go and see all her things in her room up the way it was before. It is no longer just Kambers room, which it wasn't going to be that way anyways. I know Kamber would want me to let Brookie have her bed, play with her toys, and enjoy having her room. I guess I let my emotions get the best of me. It seems there is always a new struggle to arise and another part of my heart to be torn. I hope eventually I will get to the point that these things won't seem to matter much and I will be happy to let most parts of Kambers life to be shared with everyone.

" The New Normal"

Life is going on and at many times it just doesn't feel right. I guess it probably never really will and I think I would like it to stay that way. There is a new normal creeping into our family. I am finding myself getting some enjoyment out of life again. I can't believe I just said that, but it is true. I'm able to do things with my family and have a sense of happiness. I know that is how it should be and the way Kamber would want it to be. Before you have babies you wonder how in the world is this new baby going to fit in? How am I going to handle another kid? Once you have that little sweetheart you just do it. I seems different at first to have another one to take care of, but before you know it you are use to the new normal. Then you wonder how did I go on with life without having this little child? Well that is how it is when you lose a child. How do you go on after losing them? Well you do because you have to and eventually a new normal starts to rear it's head. As you can see it doesn't make things magically better. I still think of Kamber everyday and she is what I think of majority of the time. Tears still come often and bad days still knock me on my booty. But there are many times I can handle these moments better. I know there will come a day that the new normal will just seem normal. Till that day I'll just keep trucking along.

Thank Heaven For Little Girls

Here are pictures of Kamber and Brookie at about the same age. Kamber is in the swimming suit and Brookie is in the pink. Just before Brookie was born I was going through Kambers baby clothes to sort out what ones I would keep and what ones I would send away. While I was doing this I kept having a feeling that Kamber was my baby girl and she would always be my little one. Till now I didn't understand the feeling that I kept getting. I thought that it meant that Brookie was going to be a boy. I remember talking to me mother in law and telling her my feelings that Kamber was always going to be my little girl and that I was sure I was going to have a boy. I was later so confused because the ultrasound said I was having another girl. I let the feeling pass and have since gone on with my life. I'm so grateful to have Brookie and she has brought so much happiness to our family. I wouldn't trade her for a million boys. Ethan and I couldn't even figure out how we got pregnant with her since we weren't try for another child. Now we know Heavenly Father knew what was to come shortly after her birth. Kamber loved her little sister and was always anxious to help in any way. When Brookie was only a few months old Kamber got a hold to the girls scissors and tried cutting off Brookies nose. I caught her just in time, Brookie had just a little cut on her nose. I now can laugh at this story. What good friends these two little sweethearts are at such a young age. Kamber will always be my little girl and the rest of them are growing up to quickly. I never thought that the feeling that I had would be this outcome. Ethan and I can't wait to raise Kamber again with our family as a whole. Thank Heaven for little girls!

Trials

Everyone has trials in their life. Some trials are big and others are small, but it is something we all have to endure at on point or another. Some of the hardest ones I have had to conquer is when it has hit in my immediate family. These trials are enough to body slam you to the ground and leave you trying to catch your breath. Dang, trials can be so hard to endure. Lots of times we just want to run away or just hit something. I'm learning these feelings are okay to have. I want to share a small portion of President Monsons letter with you. He told us not to dwell on the "if only", these words are counterproductive. The words "if only", is something I think many of us run through our heads and this is a result of any trial you may be enduring. I can tell you first hand it doesn't help to think this way. Try to be positive as much as possible, with this thinking the spirit can serve you more readily. It's definitely ok to have your hard days and just cry it out, but try not to stay to long in this state of being. I promise things do get better, trials do pass. Look back on your life, you have always made it through and you always will.
This post is for all those who are stuggling right now and feel the weight of the world on them. I love you and know my prayers are with you. Lots of love I send your way!

One of Those Days

Well today was turning out to be One of Those Days of sadness. I have been moping a little.
I could feel myself wanting to avoid thoughts and pictures of Kamber. I have pictures of her up in my house and I would try so hard not to look up at them knowing the feelings they would bring. I'm tired of feeling the loss of her. It's wearing me down, at times my whole body feels so heavy like lead. I have to drag myself through each part of the day. But now there is a little ray of sunshine shinning through. I got on Kambers blog to do my post and read any comments from yesterday. The words of encouragement were very uplifting. The post that stuck out to me the most is from a girl that I don't know. I felt good to know that I help those that read this blog everyday. That I can give some encouragement to others and send a little ray of sunlight. Today this was done for me. The encouragement came from you, the readers. I feel that it is Kamber that helps me to know what to write each day, she is also my ray of sunlight. I couldn't make it without her.
Thanks to all those who are willing to post not knowing if your words will help. Alot of times it hurts more to say nothing than to say something maybe on a day that times are tough. You never know if it is your words that a person needs to hear.

Open Gate

I do a carpool with other families in my neighborhood for school. This was also part of my routine last year. This year we take turns dropping off and picking up, so I only have to do it once every three weeks. It is so nice to have a two week break till I have to go through the scuffle of rushing kids to school. Last year I had Kamber to take with me. Many times I would beg Ethan to wait around long enough in the morning so I wouldn't have to take Kamber. It was just easier not to have to take her. Towards the end of the school year my attitude changed. I was happy to take her with us. I would put her in her car seat and off we would go. On our way back home I would pull up to the back gate to our community and Kamber would say "Mama opeye gate." She would repeat it till I handed her the clicker. She loved opening the gate for me and I loved the way she said it. I would hand her the clicker and it would open, she would laugh and get so excited. Then I would let her get unbuckled and drive the car with me. I would let her do this because there is only 4 other houses in our whole community and no traffic in the morning. She loved helping drive the short distance to our home. This turned into a special time I had with just her and I. I looked forward to this each day. Well this year I should have Kamber and Brookie plus all the other kids in our carpool. We should be squished for space, but were not. I should have two little ones on my drive home and to take care of while the girls are at school. This will always be a special memory of mine, one I think of often especially the days I do the carpool.

Special Letter

A few weeks after Kamber passed away I was having an extremely hard time with all that has happened. This day I fell to my knees and prayed out loud crying to Heavenly Father. I was impressed to write a letter to President Monson. I second guessed myself, Did I really hear what I thought I heard. It came again, Write a letter. I was still so nervous, I thought "Do you realize what you are asking me to do? This is the prophet of the church, he is busy and there are many people in my situation, he's not going to want to hear from me." The words that I should write came flowing into my head. I went to the computer and started writing as tears flowed down my face. The letter sat on my desk for about 2 weeks, I was scared to send it out. I spoke to my bishop of what happened and he told me "Sometimes we don't understand why we are to do somethings, but we are lead by the spirit. It can be a little scary, but I know it is important to follow through." So I did and I sent the letter off. For the past week I have been anxious to see if he would respond. This morning I went to the mail box and there it was. Return address Salt Lake City directed to Mr. and Mrs. Ethan Larsen. My heart started pounding so hard and excitement over came my body. I can't believe he responded. I went home and Ethan and I read the letter together. A peace came over me and I could really feel his love for my family and I. He really does care about all the members of the church and I know he is called of God. What a neat experience for Ethan and I. Another way for us to feel the comforting arms of our Saviors love. I can't wait to show my girls the letter and they may see the love Heavenly Father and the prophet of the church has for our family. I am thankful for the gospel and for all the prophets of the church especially Joseph Smith. He restored the church to the earth and I'm forever grateful for that.

4th of July

Hi this Tayler. I wanted to tell you of a sweet memory of Kamber. This 4th of July we went to my grandpa and grandmas cabin in Eager. We went with some of our friends and cousins. We love to go there because we get to play all day long. Each year for the 4th Eager has a parade. This was our first time doing this, because we usually go to the beach. I had so much fun playing with Kamber that weekend. We went to the parade and saw lots of cool things. During the parade they throw candy to all the kids on the side. Kylie and I were fast so we collected lots of candy. Kamber kept trying to run and get candy but she wasn't fast enough. When I realized Kamber was sad and I gave Kamber some of my candy. This made her very happy. I enjoyed running out to get candy for Kamber the rest of the parade. It made me feel good to know Kamber was happy. This was a fun weekend and a great memory that I will always have of my little sister. I love Kamber very much and always will.

Enduring to the End

We have been taught to always endure to the end in everything we do. In School you were taught to stay in school. It will benefit you in the end. With sports your taught to keep up with your workouts and always give 100%. This would make you stronger, fast, and a better athlete. In the gospel we are taught to endure to the end. Push through those trials that face us, the lord has promised us that the reward will be great.
This morning I hopped on a spinning bike that my mom let me borrow. I thought how hard can this be. I've ridden stationary bikes before and no big deal. I've always been athletic and exercise is always part of my life. This should be no big deal. This fun looking bike came with some CD's, this should be fun! Well I put the CD in and hopped on the bike and I started riding. Oh yeah this is no big deal and really quite fun. Before I knew it the instructor on the TV suggested turning up the resistance. So I did, Lets do this! Not before long it was time to turn up the resistance again. Ok, a little bit harder, but nothing I can't handle. Then we started standing and riding, resistance went up again. Then we were jumping which is riding in a standing position for a small amount of time then sitting, then standing, then sitting. Resistance went up again to climb the hill. My hot shot attitude started changing. Maybe this is harder than I thought. Nope, not stopping I'm pushing to the end. I don't give up easily, I'm pretty determined. As I was doing this workout I thought about my life. I have been given lots of trials many haven't been all that hard. I've had the attitude I can conquer this and have endured to the end. Then there are times life has just floated on by. Till now, Wham take this on. This reminds me of one of those hills I had to climb with the resistance up as high as I can handle. There are so many times I want to just give up, not deal with it and run away. Life just doesn't have as much zest as it did before. I work hard from day to day just to survive. That's my way of coping. One hill at a time. As I keep doing the spinning bike eventually it will become easier, same for this sad time in my life. The more I endure to the end and keep my focus where it needs to be this too with time will become easier. I can endure to the end. I think of the quote:" I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." I know that is true.

The Little Things

When Kamber passed away she received a blanket. It was given to her right before she was taken to the mortuary. It was a cute pink and white blanket. Kamber loved her blankets and she had many thanks to Grandma Teri. She always loved to snuggle her soft blankets. I didn't know what Kamber could wear or have prior to her final dressing, so it was nice to see her with a sweet blanket made by someone who cared. The only thing was I didn't know who this sweet person was that donated this blanket. Well I recently started calling around and found out who did this service. There group name is The Out to Lunch Bunch Quilters. Most all live in Sun City. What a special group of women and what a comfort they brought to me. Kamber had a blanket, some thing she loved. What a sweet act of charity for a family in sadness. Sometimes it is the little things that mean the most.

Many people have asked if they could have Kambers blog as a link to their blog. You are more than welcome to do that. I just ask that anyone reading Kambers blog not to use it for anything else but for the good of others. You are welcome to use material and stories on this site as long as it is not used as your own experiences. These are my personal thoughts and stories and are to be used to uplift myself and others. Thanks!

80% of Marriages

Ethan and I have been seeing a counselor and have started taking our girls. This lady is wonderful. The first time we went to see her was the Monday after Kambers accident. She was there to comfort us, give us some things to look out for, and advice in helping us deal with the traumatic loss of Kamber. We have since taken our girls to her and they enjoy there time getting to talk about Kamber and there concerns. Our counselor told us that 80 % of marriages fall apart after the loss of a child. That absolutely blew me away. That is a huge amount of marriages falling apart.Ethan and I said its not happening to us, we are determined not to let it pull us apart. When you are first going through the beginning stages it feels like nothing could ever pull you apart. Now we are 6 weeks into this roller coaster and we can see how this might happen. Ethan and I are truely doing great and we are closer than ever, but we are starting to see that the healing with this ordeal happens at different stages. Life does go on and we can't always be present when the other is struggling. This makes it hard and I feel that at times he is doing better than I am and vise versa.We are to make a new normal and I know that is what we need to do to survive and to keep our family together. A lot of times this makes me so upset. I shouldn't have to be doing this in the first place. I shouldn't have to make a new normal, I want my old normal back when Kamber was in it. It just stinks that this is how life is sometimes. So we see hard things present themselves and it is not just mourning the loss of Kamber, it is constant work to keep our family together. Something that every marriage goes through, but now there is a little twist involved to make it a little harder. Thank goodness for the gospel and a great husband that I know loves me and our sweet little girls. We can and will endure the hardest trial that has been set before us. The statistics are not something that will be part of our future. The Larsens are an Eternal Family!

Inspired?

Well yesterday as you all know was a sad day. We got Taylers foot looked at and she has an infection form the mosquito bites. She had to get a shot of antibiotics. She said that shot hurt very bad. It was like burning peanut butter. I believe her, after the shot I could see the medicine bundled up in her arm under her skin. (ouch!) Today Tayler seems to be doing better.
Yesterday before the doctors visit my sister-in-law Candi had mentioned going to the lake. She said we all haven't gone in a while and we always have so much fun. Ethan didn't have to much going that afternoon and he was able to shake himself free for the afternoon. I don't know if Candi was inspired with the idea or not, but it was sure what I needed. The lake was absolutely beautiful yesterday. We were one of the two boats out there. The sky was beautiful and the weather was perfect. It brought me so much joy to be with my family and do something we love. This is something Kamber always loved doing. We had her on the boat at 3 months old. She even loved it as a baby. We would put her in a life jacket and prop her in the corner seat and that is where she would fall asleep. When she got older the story changed. She always wanted to swim in the water. She loved riding on the tubes with Ethan and I. One time Ethan even took her out on the wake board with him. We couldn't help but think of her while we were there yesterday. It was weird not having to worry about her standing up and hanging over the side of the boat while we were barreling down the lake or making sure we were watching her while she swam in the water. My motherly instinct kept kicking in but there was no Kamber to worry about. It was a very interesting feeling. I'm sure Kamber enjoyed watching us have fun. Part of her probably wanted to be there to enjoy it with us, but she knows the whole picture and knows she will be able to enjoy those times again and she knows it won't be long. That time we get as a whole family again will probably be even sweeter than these times we have here on earth.
Thanks to my family for a well needed time of happiness and fun! Soon I will have pictures and a post on my Larsen family blog.