Me and the 4 kids

For the past 2 weeks we have had sickness running through the house. It started with me, then Ethan, Max had something funky with his stomach that I think is finally clearing up and now miss Brookie is getting the snotty nose and cough. My body can't seem to totally kick what I have, but I feel most the way better.

Today is Sunday and better yet it is the Sunday before Christmas. Probably my most favorite Sunday of the whole year. I love the spirit on this particular Sunday. The Sacrament meeting and lessons usually trump any normal Sunday. Well, this time it is Me and the 4 kids off to church by myself. Ethan has a house he is trying to finish before Christmas for a client. It gets done or there is going to be some very unhappy people on his list for the holidays. As I was getting ready for church is was thinking in my head WHY AM I DOING THIS? I don't feel 100%. Brookie has a runny nose and I am sure she doesn't feel 100% and better yet they won't let her into nursery. I knew going into it that it was going to be hard. Off we went to Sacrament and the program was absolutely beautiful. I was loving it and my girls were being good for me! Then Tayler accidentally decapitated Brookie's little Cinderella toy and the tears Broke out. Max and Brookie wanted to be held and nothing was good enough. A friend that sat behind me grabbed Max from me so I could help Brookie. Bishop got up and spoke about why we do nice things for others and why we go to church and follow our Heavenly Father. It was an answer to my question this morning. We do it because we are obedient, because we love our Heavenly Father, we love Jesus Christ, we do it for our children to strengthen them, we do all these things in our life to return to our Heavenly family and to be more like our Savior and Father.

So I am home during Sunday School about to go back to Relief Society trying to calm my younger two kiddos. Normally I would have had it by now but, today I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I feel my Father in Heaven heard my thoughts and knew my doubts about today. He knows my heart and wants me to feel of his love and I have. For some reason he continues to bless me even though I fall short of so many things. I am thankful for this tender mercy today.

Video that touched my heart

I found this video on a friends blog. It touched my heart and I knew I had to share it.

Family Photos- Love Them!

Here is just a sample of our family pictures.

Photos done by photosbytmb.com
Tara Bowman

Thankful

Hi everyone! Here I sit early Thanksgiving morning at my computer. I am up before I wanted to be up for the Turkey Trot run this morning. I haven't wanted to do another post till at least I got Halloween up, but something scary in my dream woke me and as I lay there in bed I had a feeling to come in and do this. I don't really know why, but here I am following this strong feeling. Maybe this is for someone else or maybe just what I need for me. I haven't figured that out yet.

My hands are shaking as I type and tears are so close to the surface. Okay so they are breaking through now. I haven't been this emotional in a long while. I'm going to tell you about this dream or experience early this morning and it does have something to do with Kamber. I hesitate to write because I feel like I have said it all and know it can get replayed like a tried record, but this morning it feels different and feel it is what I am to do.

The Dream: I of course was at a pool with my family and others. It was actually a friends pool and not naming any names. There was an accident with another lifeless child of mine before me. I worked on the child and I was able to get a little response from them that gave me hope.

I suddenly woke, in a panic and a sickness in my stomach. I have felt this feeling before. I just started asking Heavenly Father Why? Why do I have to go through this and on top of it why do these dreams have to reoccu?. That's when I felt I needed to write. Still 2 years and a couple months later I haven't figured out the Why? My heart still breaks in half and I still worry about my other kids being taken from me. I remember with Kamber knowing from the beginning that she wasn't coming back to me. I wasn't going to the hospital to watch them save her, but at the same time I had strong faith that she was and could be saved despite the true knowing inside. I even said that I couldn't live without her and here I sit still breathing and living. Sometimes our prayers are not answered the way we want. Somehow we push through it. So maybe this dream is to remind me what I am thankful for. My family and that Heavenly Father has been there to help me endure through my trials even when I truly thought he had abandoned me and didn't care for me at all. I'm thankful for my faith even though it didn't raise Kamber from the dead, but it is what keeps me living for the future. I am grateful for Eternal Life and to know that I will get to be with my family again. I know that I will hold Kamber in my arms again, my little girl. :) FAMILY is the BEST thing about LIFE!

Kylies Baptism

Kylie was baptized on October 9, 2009 and right after her baptism we blessed Maxton. I was a special day for our family. I am grateful for Kylies testimony and decision to be baptized and to be able to bless Max on the same day. I am thankful for the prieshood and for Ethan being able to preform the ordinances for our children.

Here are some of Kylies baptism pictures.










Pictures were done by Ryan Neville Photography.

Kylie had her Birthday party in September. She wanted to it to be aSpa party for her friends. So we had their hair done with sparkles and their nails painted however the girls wanted. She had a blast getting pampered by her cousin and friends. I can't believe that my Kylie bear is 8 and baptized!
Here are some pictures from the party!

Dang It!!

Three months ago I had my little boy and if you ask me time is flying by way to fast. I can't believe that Halloween is already over, but it doesn't even feel like it even came since it was on Sunday. A Sunday holiday kind of takes the fun out of it, except for Christmas.

Anyways... Thanksgiving is on its way and I am once again planning on running the Turkey Trot. Last year I slacked and didn't get my booty into gear. I remember being so tired physically. Little did I know I was in the early stages of pregnancy. Not many of my friends or family members wanted to run so I graciously declined feeling really relieved not to run.

This year is another story. My family wants to run this year! The Larsen family has been on a health kick and has been getting into shape. I have to say that everyone is looking great and I am so excited to run with them this year. I am most excited about my Father in law Rich running this year!!! It will fun to spend that time with him even though I am afraid that I will watching the back of him instead of watching him cross the finish line. He is one of the most dedicated people I know to what ever he puts his mind to. A GREAT example. :)

So I have been getting ready and training for this 5 k run which is a long run for me. Yesterday while running I noticed my shin starting to ache. I ran again this morning and yep that ache started to hurt more. I know this feeling, I remember it from when I ran track in High School. I am on my way to getting shin splints. If you have ever had them before you know what I am talking about and they can get to be so painful that running is out of the question. I think it is time to invest in some new shoes. I have loved my running shoes that I have now and have enjoyed ever mile with them over the past 5 years.

Anyone know a quick fix for shin splints so I can be ready on Thanksgiving? I will be doing Kamber shirts again and I am trying to see if they will give us a discount again for the run. Let me know if you want to be a part.

10 Years!!!

Today marks 10 years that Ethan and I have been married! So here is to the big 1-0.

Ten things that I love about being married to Ethan:

1- He makes me laugh everyday.
2- He always kisses me goodbye when he is leaving the home.
3- He compliments me quite often.
4- He is willing to run errands for me even, when it is not convenient for him.
5- If he is coming home during lunch time he always offers to bring lunch to me.
6- He plays with my kiddos and lets them know he loves them.
7- He is my best friend!
8- He has a strong testimony even though he doesn't bear it to just anyone, but when you do hear it, it makes a big impact.
9- He is the most generous person I know.
10- I know I can depend on him to stand by my side no matter what life throws our way.

I Love You Ethan!

Beautiful song- come listen!

A blogging friend sent this song over for me to hear. I have never met Kim or even knew that she read my blog before today. She was inspired to send this song to me telling me the song reminded her of myself even though she didn't know me other than through my blog.

I think Kim knows me better than she thinks because this song applies to me and my grief and healing as of now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Kim. To everyone else take a listen, it is truly beautiful!

We Have A Birthday!

It is Kylie's B-day today and she turns 8!!! I can't believe that 8 years ago I had here, a little baby girl. Actually not little, but big 9 lbs, 2 oz. and up till Max she was my biggest. Kylie has been so fun to have. She has the biggest heart and the most fiery personality. She is very honest and it sometimes gets her into trouble, but she tells it like it is. She is a great big sister and always willing to help. Kylie loves to play outside and be active. I would have to say that she is more of a daddy's girl and would follow him to the moon. I love getting hugs from her and there are plenty to go around. I am so excited for her to get baptised and she would say that she is a little nervous. I know she will do great and we are so very proud of her.:)

We Love you Kylie Bear!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Soccer

My girls are playing soccer this year. We have never done it before because I never even thought about it as an option. To me girls play sports like softball, volleyball, tennis, and even swim. These were the sports I was put in when I was young. I played volleyball my freshman year in school and discovered that I loved track more. I ran varsity track from a sophomore up. Sports were important to me growing up and I was quite good at it, never the star of the team but definitely held my own. I was never much of a girlie girl I guess you would say. Lets just put it this way, when the girls were playing with dolls I was playing football with the boys in the neighborhood or doing relay races with them and betting I could beat them and I would.:)

My girls played tennis and swim team last year. Lets just say tennis isn't really our thing. Swim team went really well and if we hadn't moved and I being pregnant we would have done it this year too. I went to one of my friends sisters High school soccer games last year and had so much fun watching her play. I realized what an intense sport it is and girls can hold there own. I decided then that I wanted my girls to try playing this season.

My girls have been going at it for about a month now and love it. We have had two games and they have scored goals in each of them. Kylie is very aggressive out on the field. She wants the ball and she is going to get it and do something with it. Even if that means you get knocked down when in her way. It's all part of the game. Tayler is not quite as aggressive, but is pretty good with her feet and sneaks the ball away with a good kick down field. Tayler is very accurate at kicking the ball and both goals have been made by someone passing the ball to her up field and her kicking it into the goal. Both girls are doing so good especially it being their first year. Needless to say I am proud of them and glad they love going to soccer! I'm sure there are going to be more updates as the year rolls on.

Thinking about her

I think of Kamber everyday. There is never a day that goes by that she is not on my mind, but she doesn't consume every moment like she did in the beginning. I have our last family picture on the opening page of our computer. Many times I just glance at it for a second and then open up what I need on the computer. Today I stopped and stared at the picture and was drawn to focus primarily on Kamber. I noticed that she does look a little more like me, especially when I compare her features to mine. The shape of her eyes, the shape of her nose and even her smile. She did get my blue eyes, but hers are a little lighter and more sparkly.

My heart swells every time I look at her. She brings so much happiness, her smile just lights up. This is how she was when she was here, she lit up our lives! I have a little ping in my heart today. I miss her, but I am able to deal. I love days when I really focus on her. It reminds me she was really here, she was mine and IS mine FOREVER. :)

I've never shown this version of our family picture, but it gives a good insight as to how silly Kamber was. Everything was funny and it was always time to be silly. So here she is being goofy before we got our last family shot.



Notice Ethans face. He hates pictures and just wants it done and over with. Now he adores these pictures, but still doesn't like taking them.

Meet Max- cute pics!

Max is a month in these pictures. He is now 7 weeks-time sure does fly by when you are having fun witha new little one!

My friend Tara took the pictures of Max. Thanks so much Tara, I love these pics!!!

Go check out Tara's website: http://www.photosbytmb.com/

Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

I received a phone call from a long time friend of mine this week. She left me a message to call her back as soon as possible and I could hear in her voice that something was wrong. I called her back immediately and with a quivered voice she told me about her friend that lost a little boy to a drowning this week. She was devastated about her friend and so mad knowing there was nothing she could do to take away the pain. One thing that she said that stuck out to me was WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE? I don't have the answer to that question. It would be nice if bad things only happened to bad people, but they don't.

My heart broke all over again knowing what this family was going through. Not even I who has been through this not long ago is able to do anything to take away the pain for this family. All I can do is be there for her and listen and validate feelings if she chooses to confide in me.

All I know is that Heavenly Father has a plan for each one of us. Sometimes he allows things to happen and when it is something as devastating as losing a child it is hard to accept. I use to think after losing my dad that if I prayed hard enough everyday that nothing would happen to my family that the prayer would be answered and no one else would be taken from me before it was time, assuming that everyone's time should be when we are all really old. I also thought if I made sure I went to church every week, and did everything the prophets ask of us my family would be safe. That is part of what was shattered the day Kamber died. I realized it didn't matter how good of a person you are, Bad things happen to good people.

I now look back and see the growth. I don't have such a childish way of following the gospel. The guilt of not being perfect doesn't ride on my shoulders like it did before. I know I am here to learn and grow and sometimes it will be a devastation that we will learn from. I haven't conquered this trial yet and somedays I still fight everything I believe. Turning to Christ and Heavenly Father has never been so hard and easy at the same time. I just have to have faith that this is how its to be and everything will be okay at the end.

Bad things happen to good people and I don't fully understand why, but I know we have to find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other as hard as that might be. Please pray for this family that they will feel Heavenly Fathers love and peace.

Love,
Jen

My little Racoon and 2 posts

I am starting to think that Brookie is accident pron. She loves to run through our house and this time her toy and the couch got the better of her. You guessed it, she fell just perfect enough that the corners of them both caught her eye. Nice shiner! We laugh because she knows what her shiner is and points to it.

I am my Mothers Child

Max is now a month old. Time is flying by so fast. I can't believe I have had him a month and I wish it would slow down. I want to just savor every minute with him. When I have my babies I am really stricked about not taking them out till they are a month old and limiting my time being out and about for a few months after that. I might be weird ,but it works for me and I feel that it helps get my babies on a schedule, plus I don't want them sick.

Since I am at home most the time when I get a chance I do watch some T.V. That occurs usually when Max is eating, so I entertain myself till it is time to put him down and race to get things done before he is crying again or wants to eat for the hundredth time.

I have become a little addicted to two particular channels. I wish I could say it was the BYU channel to be spiritually uplifted or a channel that I am learning from. Well I guess I am learning a little.It just depends who you are talking to. I'm a little embarrassed to admit this but I like to watch QVC and HSN. My mom has watched these channels for years and has bought MANY items. Majority of the items are very useful and make life a little more simple. The jewelry is pretty and clothing is fashionable. My sister and I have made fun of my mom for her watching and purchases. The UPS man knows my mom, that's for sure. My sister jokes and says that my mom will be buried in her largest QVC box with all her receipts. My mom is smart with her spending so she can buy what she wants.

So since these channels are on at 1:30 in the morning when I am trying to stay awake to feed Max I watch to see what is new and during the day you might find one of these channels on my TV. I wish I had the money to buy everything I love. It could become dangerous, but for now I've kept myself in check. I just really like seeing what is in style and to daydream. So, I really am my mothers child.

Kids Love McDonalds

Have you ever known a kid that doesn't love McDonald?. I have yet to meet one. My kids love when we go, which isn't very often because mom and dad don't really care for it. So when my kids get to go it is a treat.

I was in a hurry one day running errands and so I ran through the drive thru at Mickey D's. I got each of my kids a kid hamburger for them to eat in the car on the way to our next stop. When we arrived to our next destination this is how I found Brookie.



All the ketchup was gone off her hamburger and she didn't want to eat anymore. Apparently the ketchup is the best part. At least she got some veggies in for the day! :p

Proud Big SIsters

All In Two Years Time

On July 25 th it was 2 years since Kamber passed away. I can't believe it has been that long since I held her in my arms. Certain things about her are starting to fade now and it makes me sad, but I think that is how our bodies are able to go on after the loss of a loved one. On the other hand certain memories still linger and are played out right before us since Brookie is so much like her big sister. There are times that I glance at Brookie and swear that Kamber is standing there. I feel it is a special gift to have reminders of her through Brookie and hope that we will get glimpses of what Kamber would have been like growing up by watching Brookie grow.

A lot has changed in 2 years time. I think there has been a lot of growth in our lives. I have a new sense of peace in my life. I guess maybe that comes from starting to accept that Kamber is really gone. Two years ago if you would have told me that I would be having another baby only days before Kambers death date, I would have thought you were crazy. The thought of having another child didn't appeal to me one bit. I never thought that I would be able to be happy again in my life. I really didn't know how I would go on and wondered if I really would. I have proved myself wrong. I have made it two years and I have found happiness and another child.

So two years ago today this is what we endured. We buried one of our own. Our hearts were torn to shreds. We were exhausted with everything life had to offer. If I could have I would have gone with Kamber. It couldn't be my baby that died. Denial, Pain, Exhausted.

Two years later this is were we are at. We welcomed our little boy on July 23rd. He was

9lbs 9 oz and 21 3/4 in. We were right he was a big baby and the doctor said had we waited he would have been 11lbs. SCARY!!!

Maxton is a special blessing form above. We all adore him and can't get enough of him. He is sooo sweet and a good baby so far. Another blessing, so I am dealing really well. Brookie has been great with her little brother and loves him to death. Tayler and Kylie are very proud big sisters and think having a baby brother is AWESOME!

So at a time that sadness surrounds us, peace and happiness has enveloped us. On these days we remember our sweet daughters life and are grateful for the special time with her and eager to be with her again. BUT, we now forever will have sun shining through the clouds that brighten our day and make us grateful for both of their lives. The timing couldn't be better and once again we see Heavenly Father's hand in our lives.

Happy Birthday Gunnar who was born 2 yrs. ago today.

Last day of just having girls

So tomorrow is the day. Our family will once again change forever, but this time at least it is a good change! I was thinking today about how many times I talk about the girls and I and same with Ethan,he talks about he and his girls.

It has been fun having a family full of girls. They make me so happy and I know that they are learning to be good big sisters and someday to be great mother's. I have enjoyed doing their hair and nails. Dressing them up is so fun to do. I love getting to hear how cute all my girls are and hearing people tell Ethan that he was in trouble in a couple of years when they are all teenagers. That always gave me a little chuckle. I think I am going to miss it just being me and the girls. I don't think I know how to just relax and let a boy be a boy. Hopefully I don't make him into a sissy boy. With Ethan being his father hopefully that will never be able to happen.

We are excited for tomorrow to come and take us on this new adventure. When Tayler was born Ethan and I were young. I remember Ethan being so nervous to hold her and be with her for too long and same went for Kylie since she was born just 16 months after Tayler. Little babies made him so nervous, especially if they were his own. By the time Kamber came around we were a little older and Ethan would pay a little more attention but you could still tell he was a little nervous. And with Brookie it got a little better. Ethan and I were talking this morning about having another little one and ready or not here he comes. I was mentioning to him about how protective he has been through this pregnancy and that I am shocked that he himself was talking about taking pictures at the hospital. (something he has never liked to do.) I told him how I think he is a little different this time around. His answer was " I am getting older." I guess since we are almost 30 we are finally starting to act like adults and ready to be parents. We now have a better understanding on how precious life is and what a miracle it is to have our children born safely. I know now that we have a different outlook on life and our little one as we go in tomorrow.

So today we will enjoy our girlie's and look forward to our baby in blue!