Our Weekend at the SnOw!

A few weeks ago we headed up to one of our favorite spots for the weekend. Eager is one of our most favorite places to go. We have really taken a liking to it since our last complete family vacation almost 2 years ago. It was the last vacation that we took Kamber on and it was a ton of fun! We love Eager in the summer for the great weather and getting to go quad riding and the winter months are great for the snow.

It was really cold there. The high that weekend if I remember right was in the mid to upper 40's. The heater in the cabin wasn't working all that well so it made for some fun but uncomfortable nights of snuggling with Ethan and Brookie in the small bed we were sharing. Needless to say the cold is what we had come for right? Otherwise there would be no snow for Sledding!!! And that is just what we did!

We went over by Sunrise and took the girls sledding along with the fun friends we had come along for the winter wonderland retreat! The kids had a blast sledding down the fun hills and I enjoyed watching at the bottom of the mountain trying not to get run over. This is the second time we have gone sledding as a family and I have been pregnant both times. I don't know why we chose to go at these times, it is a bummer not to be able to sled with my girls but as long as they are having fun I am too.

We had Tayler take Brookie down to see if she would like it. Kylie wanted to take Brookie down also, but after watching Kylie attack the hills like she did we realized she was too crazy and wild to have her take Brookie. Kylie evidently has NO fear, but she was alot of fun to watch! So, Brookie went for a ride with Tay Tay.

After this ride Brookie fell in love with sledding. Her and Kylie are two peas in a pod, NO FEAR! Brookie insisted on riding down the hill on a sled of her own. Thank goodness the Schads brought a couple extra sleds or there would have been some fights going on. So Ethan would walk Brookie up the hill, put her on the saucer and send her down with a big smile on her face. She would hop off and say Again, Again! That became Ethan's job, walking Brookie up the hill and sending her on her way.

Thanks Amy and Kaleb for a fun time!

In My Mind, This Deserves A Post

I know I am going to embarrass my husband right now, but I wanted to write this down.

I have been down in the dumps the past couple of days. Our pool cleaning system broke a while ago and our pool has changed from clear to a greenish color. Gross! Anyways, Ethan decided that it was time to clean and shock the pool. He was outside with his workers fixing the pipes, running the waterfall while dumping all the chemicals in to clean it up. Brookie heard the water and wanted to be outside. She was so fascinated with the water, I guess she is getting to that age and that scares me. Anyways, I sat outside with her watching her daddy at work. This is where the change in me began.

Since Kamber has died I really do not like our pool that much. It depresses me alot of the time. Others pools don't affect me unless someone is letting their kid lay on their tummy in the pool and float. I guess the reason why I struggle so much is because I was the one that saw Kamber in the pool lifeless. I am the one that pulled her out. Everyone else saw her after the fact, not that it is any less traumatic. That is what I feel has affect me so much. I think it was expected that I would be very timid right after Kamber died to get back into the pool. Last year I would push myself to be in the pool. My girls love swimming. It is nice to have something to do during the hot summer days and nights. Some days I could handle it pretty good and other days I put on a really good show for my family. I wanted to do it for them. My girls happiness and normalcy is important to me. Seeing them happy makes me happy.

So anyways... I feel having the pool up and running again has got me down. Floods of memories of the day Kamber died have consumed my mind and as much as I fight them they have seemed to stick around. Today I have felt better. I do expect times like these and expect them for the rest of my life. At lest now I can remember the good and happy times with Kamber along with the tragic events so that I don't spiral out of control.

Anyways, the reason for this post is because of my husband. What a sweetheart he is. Evidently he left me a note with some money on my phone before I went out to spend some time with my mom. Kylie found Brookie walking around with a decent amount of money and brought it to me. I thought this morning that Ethan had accidentally dropped it so I put it on his desk and we left. When I got home I called Ethan to see how things were going at work and he asked me if I had got the note and money he left for me. I told him no and then realized that the money Brookie was holding was for me. Then I looked on the ground in the office and found the note. It brought tears to my eyes as I read it. The note told me how much he appreciates me and loves me and the kids. It also read that he knows I have been sad and that he would do anything to help cheer me up. He wants me to be happy. The money was for me to spend on just myself and to have a fun day with my mom. Those are words to sooth anyone's heart, especially when it is coming from the man you love. At this point the money doesn't mean anything to me, just knowing how much he appreciates, loves and cares for me goes further than any amount of money ever could. Though, money is always fun to spend when you are down. Maybe another day.

Thanks Ethan! I Love You!

I have some NEWS!

Yesterday I had my ultrasound. I have a love hate relationship with these. I love getting to know the gender of my babies and know if everything is okay, but I hate all the water you have to drink before. Thirty two ounces of water within the hour before you have to be seen is a lot when you don't get to pee. We already have so many things pressing on our bladders as it is and it is a horrible feeling knowing you are about to pee your pants and you are not aloud to just let it go. Needless to say, it is worth it in the end to know everything is okay and what you are having.

The ultrasound appointment went well and everything looks great with our baby. I really wanted to know what we were having for sure and Ethan said that he would rather not find out. He let me have my way since I don't deal with the unknown all that well. Let me just say that our baby is not shy one bit. Legs were spread wide open for us to get a good shot and know for sure. So with no further to do, WE ARE HAVING A...BOY!!! That is just crazy to say and seems so surreal. I can't believe it is really happening. I kind of got use to the fact of having all girls and didn't get my hopes up to much because chances were good that we would have another girl.

Kamber's passing away 2 years ago has kind of changed our perspective on life. Everyone really seemed to want us to have a boy really bad. Before Kamber's passing I could honestly say that we really did want a boy. And this time the thought of a boy would be great! But having another girl would be great also. Having 4 girls in our home once again would feel similar to when Kamber was here. Brookie will be the exact same age Kamber was when Brookie was born. It is crazy how things work out. Anyways... since Heavenly Father felt that a boy is what is to be we are sooo happy to have have him. Actually more than happy, we are sooo excited!!!

Boy life will be so different I am sure. A little scary I think, but alot of fun! I have lots of nephews that are sooo cute. They bring a smile to my face every time I see them. Now I will have a cute little one running around too.

We are kind of stuck on a name for our little one. We know his nickname will be Max. I have chosen this name for a special reason. Here is the story behind the name Max...

In my moms family there are 6 kids. My mom is the youngest. Before she was ever thought of the fist boy in my mom's family after 3 girls was cute Max. At the age of 3 Max was killed in an accident. My mom never knew him,but she remembers seeing his little booties and a blanket in a chest at her home. I guess Grandma and Grandpa chose to not talk about him much, maybe it was to painful, which I can understand. The older girls remember what a sweet cute boy he was, but also the sadness of that day. Since Max's passing my Grandpa and Grandma had another boy and then another girl who was my mom. Since Kamber's passing I have felt a deep connection to the uncle I never met, but my heart is tied to. My grandparents were fairly older when I was born and my Grandma died in a car accident when I was 3. I never really got to know her and I miss that. After loosing a child myself I feel that I know my grandparents so much more than I ever could. I have felt the pain that they endured through their life. I can understand part of them as I am sure they do me. Their story and Max are important to me, someone in my own family that understands, we share that bond even though it is through the veil. That is why I would like to name this boy after Max my uncle.

We don't want his first name to just be Max, we would like it within a name. I do have a cousin that has named one of her boys Max, I'm sure it is after our uncle and I don't want to take that from her. I would like to have the middle name after my husband, but he isn't so thrilled about that. He doesn't like either of his names and doesn't think it is all that important to name a child after yourself. I think it would be nice just in case we don't have another boy. My husbands name is Ethan Richard. I think either one would be great, but he likes the idea of my dads middle name Burton or a random name Ryan. So I think I am going to do a poll of names that we like and we would love for you to vote on what you like. I think it will be fun to see what is most popular and maybe it can help us decide.

Thanks for listening through this long post and I will be posting soon about our trip to the snow last weekend. It was lots of fun!

Proactive Solution

When you have kids you hear funny things all the time. Definitely at my house you are bound to hear something off the wall. My daughter Kylie is known for the funny things she says and at times being brutally honest. Kylie is a cuddle bug and loves to make you laugh.

Last week she woke up one morning with a couple bumps on her face. She was embarrassed to know that she had a few pimples. Really they weren't even that noticeable. Anyways... as I dropped her off for school her last words to me were "Hey mom, don't forget to get me Proactive Solution for my pimples!" Tayler insists that "Skin Id" is better than Proactive because they said so on their commercial. Kids... what would we do without them? Life definitely wouldn't be as funny!


Girls thanks for a good laugh and reminding me how wonderful and innocent little kids are. I Love You BOTH!

Lots of things

There has been a lot of things on my mind here lately. I have been trying to decide what to post for a while now.

The past week I have been preparing my lesson for next Sunday when I teach all the young women in our ward. This is a little more nerve racking since I will have all the leaders listening to me other than just the girls. I want to do a good job and keep their attention. My lesson is on being a peacemaker. It is a lesson that has taught me alot and since preparing it I have been trying to be more aware of how I act and try to be a peacemaker. In doing so it does bring a sense of calm to your life. I am able to handle somethings more easily. So I am excited to teach this lesson!

Yesterday was my brother in laws b-day! His family celebrated his b-day and his sons b-day yesterday since they will be going back to Colorado soon. It was nice to see them again and get to visit with family. I enjoyed watching all the little kids play and have fun. It was a nice night!

Then after the b-day party I headed off to my friend Valerie and Amy's shoe party. These are my friends in my old ward so I was excited to see all my friends that I haven't seen in a while. Amy and Valerie didn't only have shoes, they also had purses,sunglasses,cute jeans,and scentsy candles! Her home was packed with lots of ladies enjoying a good time together shopping. I loved getting to chit chat with all my friends, they are all beautiful women inside and out. I know some of them are struggling with some things right now, but they still had their beautiful smiles on their face even though I know there is hurt inside them. I haven't been through this same trial that some of them are going through, but I can say that I know how bad it hurts to want something that you aren't able to have right now. It didn't feel right to say it to them last night but girls if you are reading this know that I think of you often and can feel a little bit of your hurt, I know I don't fully understand but I care for you.:) Anyways... I loved visiting with all of you ladies last night!!!

So the past couple of days I have been worried. I have not felt my baby move in days when just days and weeks before I really could feel this baby wiggle around. I really started getting nervous 2 nights ago. I did everything to feel this baby move. Finally yesterday I realized that if this baby was not going to make it that it was out of my hands. I drank the huge amount of cold water and laid on my side yesterday afternoon after hours of trying to feel the baby move and nothing. I did what the doctors say to do and nothing. I left for the parties yesterday feeling a little sad, not knowing if I should panic and insist that I get into the doctor today or just wait till my ultrasound on Monday and let what was to be,to be. I decided to just be patient and realize I have no control. I seemed to feel some peace with that decision. Of course at the parties people were asking about the baby and if I knew what I was having. "Monday" I would say and in the back of my mind thinking about how it had been days since I had felt the baby move. Why is it that when we just give up and let things be that Heavenly Father sends us tender mercies?Maybe it is because the hard times make us more humble? But late last night I felt some fluttering, nothing like I had felt before but some hope that it wasn't gas! ha ha Then I woke in the middle of the night for my ritual potty time and I felt stronger movements and then again this morning. What a relief, my baby was just playing hide and seek. I am so thankful for that reassurance from my Heavenly Father. I am thankful for tender mercies, I have had many throughout my life and it is amazing as I look back on them, they have been through the hardest times in my life. Times when to me my prayers weren't being answered the way I wanted but the way that Heavenly Father intended, but I seem to always be lifted up in some way even though it wasn't my way.

Not a day goes by without thinking of her

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Kamber. She is the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing when I wake. I think of her and then it quickly goes away for a moment while I hurry and get my girls ready for school in the morning. The thoughts of her quickly return on my way home from dropping my girls off. I remember the morning rides with Kamber in the back seat wanting to open the gate when we returned home from dropping the girls off for school. As soon as I get back home I race to clean up the house as fast as I can before Brookie wakes, which isn't long. While I am cleaning thoughts of Kamber always enter my head. The thoughts that usually swirl in my mind are often of the day she died, the week leading up to the funeral, the dressing of her,viewing, and funeral. I wish my mind wouldn't focus on these sad things, which wasn't always sad. There were many very spiritual times during that week. I wish that more often that I would think of the time that she lived. The thoughts of her running around, laughing, playing, being silly, and being naughty, Oh! I would take naughty over being gone.

Thank goodness those sad thoughts pass and I can think and focus on the happy times. My girls make it easy for that to happen especially Brookie. She doesn't look like Kamber's twin but she acts just like her. It blows my mind how similar they are. We love that we get to see those traits in Brookie. It would be sad to never see the silly traits of Kamber ever again.

I am grateful for my quite mornings to think of Kamber and then the afternoon and evenings when my family reminds me of things that I may have forgot. I love my family, each person is so special and serves a very special purpose in our home.

Who doesn't Like Nursery? My kiddos

I don't know why it is, but my kids do not like nursery. I have yet to have a child that enjoys it. What is there not to love. Two hours of playing with toys, singing, and having yummy snacks. I guess that doesn't count as fun to my girls. Tayler would scream until she would throw up, Kylie would sream, but they wouldn't let that last long knowing what happened with Tayler, Kamber wanted nothing to do with it, in fact she didn't like church at all. She was the hardest child to take to church. My heavenly child that doesn't like church, that is kind of funny to think about. Brookie has been in nursery for a while and I have yet to have her stay 5 minutes after I leave.



This past week Ethan was sick so I took the kids to church by myself. Sacrament meeting wasn't all that bad, but that is probably because I sat in the foyer. Brookie was able to roam and that seemed to help her be more happy. Then I took her to nursery. That went pretty good for the first hour. She did keep checking to make sure I was still there from time to time, but she seemed to enjoy it. Then it came time that I had to leave to teach in Young Womens. I snuck out the door and stood for a while and heard no crying, I thought I was home free. About 10 mins. later I heard crying down the hall and sure enough it was Brookie. Thank goodness she was pretty good in Young Womens and then a friend of mine took Brookie out for a walk and tried taking Brookie into nursery to play for a while. Brookie's happiness was then shot and she was in tears again. By the time they made it back to me my lesson was over and it was time to go home. Maybe the boogie man lives in the nursery closets, I don't know, again another child that doesn't care for it. Somehow we need to break this cycle because for now Ethan takes her home to chase her around. It is either chasing her at home or chase her in the halls for 2 hours getting nothing out of church. Either way nursery should be fun, I guess mommy and daddy are more fun than any other toys.:)

This is what I do have

For Kamber's Birthday I decorated my home with some pictures of Kamber along with Valentine decorations to give it a happy feel. This is one of the pictures I had displayed on the counter. The picture is in a frame that says SISTERS. I have let the pictures stay out for our family to look at a little longer till they get moved back to the bedrooms and are not as noticeable everyday. I have enjoyed seeing this picture everyday and have it remind me that Yes, I really to have 4 girls. I have been noticing as I study this picture that my girls really do look alot alike. I never really thought that before even though I have heard this many times.

So I have reminisced on the day we took this picture and I remember how happy we all were and how very sweet all my girls were with welcoming Brookie to our family. They each were so patient waiting their turn to hold their baby sister.

Yes, I do have 4 girls, this is my family. I feel that Kamber is here very often so to me things haven't change all that much. I'm still trying to get use to not seeing her and just feeling her presence. It sometimes takes me by surprise still when I'm out and about and I hear. "So you are pregnant with your fourth then." My response is always "actually my 5th" and then I have to remind myself that Kamber's presence is so real to me and my family but that she can't be seen. That is right you can't see one of my beautiful daughters. But if anyone ever wants to know about the one that can't be seen but who's presence is strong and wonderful I will be happy to tell all about her anytime!

Happy Birthday Kamber!

Kamber's 2 yr. birthday!

Four years ago today I gave birth to our third beautiful baby girl! Four years, I cant believe it. Time has flown by so fast and yet at times it has gone so slow. My first two girls are 16 months apart and since that wore me out we waited 31/2 years before we got Kamber. Before we got pregnant I kept having the feeling that we were suppose to have another child, but I didn't feel quite ready. I put off that feeling for about 6 months and Kamber was conceived the very month we thought that maybe we would think about having another child. She was suppose to be a part of our family, we knew that form the start. Little did we know that she would only be with us for a short while. She was a great new addition to our family and brought so much happiness and joy. We still as a family talk about all the funny things she did that made us laugh on a daily basis. She was here to teach us about pure love and the happiness that life can bring. She is a special light in our lives even today as we think about the beautiful girl that she is.



Like I said 4 yrs old, wow! I have thought and wondered what she would look like today. To me when you are 4 you are no longer a toddler. Your looks change so much and you start acting more like a little girl. It does make me alittle sad when I try to picture her as a young girl and can't. My girls were even saying today that it feels like she is turning 2 again. I know what they mean, her 2 yr. old birthday was the last one we had for her months before she died.



Regardless for all the sad memories we are happy to celebrate her birthday and have a party for her with all of our family and close friends! So here's to Kamber turning 4 and all the fun times we had with her!

Kamber's Birthday is Coming

Kamber's birthday is in 10 days. I can't believe how fast time is flying by. My little girl would be 4 yrs. old this year. I can't believe it! I have tried to picture what she would look like now, but I can't. I wonder what she would be saying now, but I can't. I still picture her as my little 2 1/2 yr. old blond haired girl. I often wonder what life would be like now taking her to preschool and seeing all the new things she would be learning. It would be fun to watch her play with Brookie and would she understand that she would be a big sister again?

Time ticks by before we know it and I am planning another party for my child who is not here. But it will be a day filled with memories of her and happiness for the time we spent with her. We will do the same things as last year, which I think made it a happy day for all. Anyone that would like is invited to come, just send me a comment so I can plan on you!

Maybe you were wondering?

I finally had my doctors appointment last Monday. I had been waiting a long time for it. I was excited to go and find out how my baby was doing. I got checked in and filled out the paper work that you always have to do with a new pregnancy. My hubby came with me and I was grateful for that. As I was waiting I started getting really nervous. I told my husband that if they didn't call me back soon that I was going to leave, the anxiety was building. Next thing I knew I burst into tears. Emotions that I didn't expect came on too fast of pace for me to control them and it seemed like the more I tried, the more I cried. I told Ethan that I don't think I could do this. How could I bring another child into this world and feel that joy when I have lost one? Maybe I can't handle four kids and now I am doing it again. The struggle within me was coming out. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I guess there is still guilt along with grief. I will be grateful for the day that I don't have spouts of the overwhelming guilt and grief.

Anyways people were looking and probably thinking I'm just one of those emotional pregnant
women, which I guess I am. Nurses wanted to know what was going on. My doctor understood because he came to Kamber's viewing. He reassured me I wasn't crazy and I get to go back on meds! The meds seem to help with some of the anxiety. Since I wasn't quite sure how far along I was we scheduled for an ultrasound 2 days later.

We went to the ultrasound with no problems this time. I was able to go in and just enjoy seeing my baby kicking around. Everything looked great and I am 12 weeks pregnant! My husband asked the nurse to just check and see if she had an idea of the sex of the baby. She told us that all babies this early normally look like boys but depending on the angle of the nub and other little factors it can give an indication if the nub will disappear. To her it looks like this one is going to be.......... a boy! Don't get to excited, it can change and if that is the case we will be happy anyway. We are just grateful for the children that we have. Anyways... I will continue to keep you posted on how things are going!

How's Your Faith?

Life will always bring different challenges. Sometimes we go through a period that we just seem to soar through life and things are great. At these times it is easy for our faith in Christ to be strong and never ending. How is your faith ? when times are different than what you want them to be. I have always considered my faith to be strong, even in tough times. I feel that I have been able to press forward through the thick and the thin. I have to admit that over the past year and a half I have noticed that I second guess myself and Heavenly Father from time to time. I guess my confidence that Christ knows best is lacking a bit. I hear Ethan say from time to time, How is your Faith? This is one thing I thought that I had him beat on in the spiritual department.

We have some things to think about and things that we are praying for. I am trying really hard to let my faith in Christ take over and know that he knows whats best for us. So as I was sitting this morning thinking about my prayers the thought came to me, How's your faith? I quickly realized that my lack of confidence isn't so much in Christ, but in myself. Will I recognize that answer to our prayers and accept what is to be? I hope I can and become stronger because of it.

Gotta Watch!

I love, love, love this song. Be ready for tears, but well worth it!!!

I hope you feel the sweet spirit of this song. It gives me strength to endure when times are hard. Such a simple reminder to turn to our Heavenly Father and know we can make it through anything.

Remember to pause my music on my blog before watching.

Christmas, to see Kamber

Christmas this year was wonderful. We had a simple Christmas and I loved the spirit of that day. We of course went to visit Kamber's grave and set some decorations. I really enjoyed being at the cemetery this year. There is a special spirit at the cemetery on Christmas, a feeling so different then the other times I go. It hits your heart as you pull in and see all the people that are also there to visit their loved ones graves. The cemetery is decked out with wreaths and red and green everywhere. It is a beautiful site to see. This Christmas there was absolute peace. We cleaned her beautiful headstone and added decorations just for her, perfect. I was glad I didn't feel an overwhelming sadness and could just be at peace on this special day.

We continue to miss Kamber everyday. She is on our minds and always in our hearts. We are excited for this new baby to come, but it doesn't fill the hole in our hearts that Kamber left. We continue to be grateful for our blessings and know that we wouldn't survive without the love of our Heavenly Father.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas season and New Year!

Merry Christmas!

We got a special gift from Kamber this year!
We are having another little baby Girl or Boy!

The month I am due is not known yet, but I will keep you all updated.

It is exciting that Kamber already knows who is coming to our family. It would be fun to know all the things she is telling the little one. Kamber will be there to send this special child to our home and there to welcome them home, when that time comes. We feel very blessed to have this new child and blessed to have Kamber on the other side. Our hearts are full this Christmas and we are so very thankful for our family.

Merry Christmas everyone! Love the Larsen's

Bad Prayer

I love my Kylie. She has such a tender heart. The other night she came into my room just sobbing. All I heard come out of her mouth was "I said a bad prayer" and some other mumbling. I took her by the hand and had her sit on my bed to try and calm her down. She finally calmed down enough that I could understand her. She told me how she had said a bad prayer and that she didn't know if Heavenly Father heard her second prayer that was good. She was missing Kamber and had prayed that we all could die so we could live in heaven with Kamber. She started crying hysterically again when she told me that she really didn't want us to die, but that she just wants to be with Kamber. My heart broke as I held her close wishing I could take away her pain and explained that Heavenly Father was not going to take us away that night. He doesn't just take people away just for fun. I said a prayer with Kylie that night talking to Heavenly Father about how sad we are that Kamber is gone and that we know that we will be with her again. Kylie seemed to feel better after that and we went into her room where I laid by her side till she fell asleep.

The innocence of a child is so sweet. I love Kylie and I am so grateful that Kylie knows that she can talk to her Heavenly Father about how she feels and that if it is a bad prayer that she came come to mommy and I will do my best to make it better.

Just A Reminder

I was out today running some errands. I was about 3 miles from my house when a little incident happened that bothered me and I wanted to put a little reminder out there for everyone.

All around my home there happens to be many fire stations. We have a couple of the Mesa Fire Stations and Rural Metro is just up the street. I have grown quit fond of the Firemen, probably not for the same reason that you may be. (Though I will admit lots of Firemen are good looking.) It is just that firemen have been in my life for way to long. It seemed routine to have them at my home when I was little do to my dad having seizures. I was always so grateful when they arrived because I knew they would help my family. Second, my gratitude for them came when they came to the rescue of Kamber. They tried with all their might to save her. We could see it in their eyes that it was also an emotional call for them. We have kept in some contact with them, but try not to be around to much as to not be a constant reminder of a very hard day for them. We had heard that tears were shed over the loss of Kamber and one of the Firemen couldn't return to work to finish his shift. My heart continues to go out to these men and prayers are said in their behalf still.

So now on to the incident today that bothered me so much. As I was driving down Power Road towards my house Rural Metro was coming in the opposite direction from me with Lights and Sirens going. Behind them was the ambulance with lights and sirens going also. It was evident that they were in a hurry. I quickly pulled to the side and watched as not one other car pulled to the side or even stopped. I couldn't believe what I was seeing as the Firetruck and Ambulance had to come to a stop in the middle lane to try and go around people. I was so bothered by this, knowing what it is like to be on the other end of the 911 call. You are panicked and so desperately wanting to hear the sound of those sirens to know that help is on it's way. When it is you that is waiting for help it feels like an eternity when maybe only minutes have passed. Minutes are precious when something is bad enough that you call 911 and the Firemen feel it is necessary to run the lights and sirens. So next time you see the lights or hear the sirens make sure you move to the side whether you think you need to or not because you still could be in the way of someone else trying to get out of the way. There is always someone on the other end of the line waiting for help.

BOUTIQUE AND CHRISTMAS PARTY ARE OVER/ NEW ASSIGNMENT FOR THIS WEEK

Yesterday was a day full of stress. I had the last boutique/charity for Kamber for the year. I also had our ward Christmas party that evening that I was in charge of. On top of all that I was speaking in the program for the party. By the time the party was to start that night I was breaking out into hives on my neck and I was shaking uncontrollably. I actually didn't feel nervous to speak, I was just so stressed from everything I had to get done that day. Actually the whole week leading up to yesterday just was crazy. I am just soooo happy that is all done and over with.

I just found out that I am released from that calling in my ward and have been given another calling. It hasn't been announced yet so you will just have to wait to find out what that calling is.

My new assignment for this week is to get a pay pal account set up for the Kamber's Kaskets. We had a fairly good amount of donations from the boutique, almost enough to finish one casket. Many others want to donate and have asked about an account. Since I know that people are interested in helping that is the next step, so look for it on the blog by the end of the week if you are interested in donating!

The Caskets of Love, They're coming along

I know that this might be something hard for some of you to see, but this is a true reality. Here are some of the caskets partially finished. They are coming along and sad to say someday they will have to be used. I hate that this is part of some people reality but I am also grateful that we can help someone out during their time of need. I am grateful to have Kamber be apart of this special-tender Charity. Something good to come from Kamber's tragedy.

One of My Favorites!

My mother-in law had this picture of Kamber on her blog today. I saw it and smiled, but had a little ping in my heart. Oh, how much I love and miss this sweet little girl. I had to post the picture because it is one of my favorites! I love you Kamber! :)

Winter Boutique/Kamber's Kaskets

The Winter Boutique and Kamber's charity was yesterday. It was a cold rainy day, but the show must go on. Actually I really enjoyed the weather and rain, I just wish it didn't rain as much as it did. It put a little damper on the fact that the boutique was outside. I was amazed at the amount of people that came out despite of the weather. We raised very little money, but it was fun none the less.

I was surprised how emotional I was. I should have know the emotions were coming, since I kept myself extremely busy last week. I had one focus and my mind wouldn't deviate from it. That is usually how I get before the water works start. I had my sister change my hair color to a dark brown and when it turned out darker than I anticipated, it put me on edge. (This is another sign that I am hiding from my emotions, I try to change myself on the outside in hopes to make me feel good on the inside. I am sure my sister and sister in law are ready to beat me.) Anyways, that night I cried because I felt I didn't look like Kamber's mom anymore and how out of wack my life still is even a year after my daughters death. I didn't cry at the boutique, it wasn't a safe place for my emotions, but they were right at the surface, till my friends and family came. They were my saving grace.

My new hair do!

My friend Crystal that was putting on the boutique was put into the hospital last Sunday. She is pregnant and not due till January, but she went into active labor and none of the medications any of the doctors were giving her were stopping the labor, so she was admitted. Crystal has been my friend since 9th grade. We have always been pretty much tied at the hip. I knew that her going into labor so early was very dangerous for her baby and I did not want our charity to benefit one of my friends. Crystal is doing much better and will more than likely be able to go home on Tuesday, but she will have to stay down.

Here is a picture of Crystal and her husband a year ago.

Needless to say... the boutique went on and very well given the circumstances. I cried Friday night and fought back all my emotions on Saturday till my family and friends arrived. Thank goodness for family and friends, what would be do without them in our lives?

Our Kamber table looked so pretty and I was so impressed with everyone else at the boutique. There are some seriously talented women. I just wish one of them was me. :)

Here are some pictures at the boutique!

Thanks to all that participated.

Kamber Larsen

( To read her story, double click to enlarge.)

This weekend is the boutique that is going to help raise money for Kamber's charity. Ethan has already started making caskets from wood that we already have in the garage. I have to say that these little caskets are looking beautiful. That is kind of sad to say when you are talking about a casket that a little child will have to be laid to rest in. It is the inevitable, children do die. I am just so grateful to be able to help others out. Hopefully those that will have to use our caskets will really know that each one is made with sincere love.

After going through this trail it has brought out a love that I never knew existed. It is a pure love for others, especially for those who have to suffer. I would do anything to be able to save families from ever having to go through this same trial in life. I wish I could protect every one. I wish I could have protected my girls from this, but that isn't how our life was meant to be. Now it is up to Ethan and I to stand up and teach our girls how to endure. I hope we can be an example of how to love others, especially those in need.

Thanks Crystal and Melissa for your love and help!

We Use To Have Four...

I went to Kohl's tonight to get some things and took my wild girls. Actually they were pretty good for me. They all got a long with each other and I love hearing them laugh and play together. As we were checking out the cute girl at the register made the comment that we have 3 girls and how cute they were. I just said thanks and smiled. Before I knew it Kylie blurts out "We used to have four." It didn't bother me that she said that because that is usually her response, but tonight it went even farther. The young girl was taken back by Kylie's response and in a questioning voice said " Use to have four?" Well, you question Kylie and she will give you her story. " Yes, we use to have four but she died. Kamber jumped into the deep end of the pool and drown. Actually it was our spa but, we don't really cry anymore. We use to cry a lot when it first happened. Tayler and I kept wondering when she drowned if Kamber was dead and she was but it is okay now." As Kylie was telling her story I could feel the vice tightening around my heart. I couldn't bring myself to look at the girls face. I'm sure she felt horrible. Her response was "Sorry, that was a bad question." I just told her it was okay and that we are use to the question. A question that I feel will be answered that way for years to come.

Are You Up For It ?!

The Turkey Trot is coming soon! This year I find myself not as motivated to train for it, but I am still planning on doing it this year. I am going to do shirts again this year and I am trying to think of a different design or even a picture for the shirts. Please let me know if you are up for it this year and if you would like a shirt. The price on a shirt may be a little more than last year depending on the design. Hope to see you this year running for Kamber!

Charity: Kamber's Kaskets

Kamber's casket...

Ethan and I have been thinking for a long time of something we could do to give back. Kamber's life was beautiful. She helped bring love and happiness to everyone she met during this life. Now almost a year and a half after her death I have heard over and over again how Kamber has continued to bring happiness, love, and meaning to families lives. She is a beautiful angel that continues to give and influence others lives for the better. We have been impressed to start a charity to help those who may have to experience the tragedy of loosing a child.

We have decided to start Kamber's Kaskets.

Kamber died suddenly in a drowning accident in July 08'. It has been very hard to accept that Kamber was with us only minutes before, happy and healthy and next, her life had been taken. Seeing your child lifeless is horrible and then having to pick out a casket and plan the funeral is also horrific. Ethan decided the next morning after she died that he was going to build her casket. He wanted it to be extra special and made with love. When we went to plan the funeral we were sadly disappointed in the options families had to bury their children. On August 1, 2008 we buried Kamber in the casket made by her daddy filled with forever love.

We will be making child caskets for those who have lost a child in a tragic accident. These caskets will be donated through the mortuaries after hearing of special stories. Since this will be a charity the caskets will be made through donations only. Therefore we do not have the resources to make caskets for just any situation. Any death of a child is tragic and we wish we could help everyone.

Our first charity function will be at the Winter Boutique Nov. 14th, 9-3pm.

October 21, Happy Anniversary!

On Wednesday was mine and Ethan's 9th Anniversary! I can't believe it, we have been married for 9 years. If truth be told, I feel like it has flown by. In my mind I still feel like a newly wed. The past 9 years has been filled with its ups and downs, happy and sad. So much has changed within our little family. We have been so blessed and I am continually thankful to my Heavenly Father for that. I am married to the best man for me!

One of the things that drew me to Ethan when we were dating other than his smokin' hot body and awesome eyes was that he always made me laugh. Many times we would laugh so hard that our mouths would hurt. It didn't matter what kind of day I was having, he could always make me happy. Nine years later he still does that for me. I am grateful to have him in my life every single day, and he continues to make me happy. My life, I can say is a happy one and one of the main reasons it is that way is because of Ethan. I love You Honey!

Oh, If Life Were Easy

Well I think I have made it out of my zombie state, at least that is what I call it. It has taken me 15 months to really realize, I mean every cell in my body to realize that Kamber has really died. Before I of course knew it, but there was still a big part of me hoping it was just a dream that I would eventually wake up from. On the outside I could put on a pretty good show of making things look like I was okay. I smiled when I needed to smile, did the things that I needed to do, and continued with life. All the while feeling absolutely dead inside. No emotion, just so lost.

Oh , if life were easy, that is what would bring true joy, at least that is what I thought. Maybe you have thought that also? When the storm is coming down on us we plead for an easier life, at least I do. I am finally realizing that going through hard things makes us really know what pure joy is. If life were easy we wouldn't know the good from bad. If everything went perfect then how would we really know what happiness was? Through our trials we learn what hell is like and search with every being in our bodies to find the happiness and joy in life. I find we spend this life searching for happiness and there are many times that we get to learn and feel it. It just shows that we are truly sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. He is pure love and joy. We are here learning to be more like him and we want to be with him again. We want that pure love and joy. If life were easy then we wouldn't know where to find happiness and it wouldn't be our ultimate goal for eternal life.

Our Body is a Temple

Lots of things have been going on this week. I have had such intense feelings and emotions that I am trying to work through. I have spent a lot of time looking back on the week of Kamber's death and seen the horrible memories and the most spiritual memories that I can never deny.

I have also found out this week that a friend in my wards baby had died. I was hard to get a hold of since we have changed our phone number and the Relief Society President is the only one who has my new number. I guess they didn't think to ask her or maybe people thought it would hit to close to home for us. Which is true... I felt like I had been punched in the gut when I found out. My friends baby had been born with serious complications and there was always a chance of death, but he was doing well jumping over the hurdles. Last I had heard things were looking good, but that all changed in the matter of a day.

I now grieve along with my friend. Each day that she has endured I remember as clear as yesterday those same days and nights for us. NO family should ever have to endure this. It is what I know hell to be. At the same time there are many times you know heaven is so close, you can feel it, it is almost tangible.

We spoke about how much of a clear understanding you get when your child dies, that we really aren't our bodies. Our selves are our spirits. Our bodies are just the temples that our spirits dwell in for our time here in earth. It is so evident the first time you hold your child after they have passed. You can feel their spirit all around you. You are enveloped in them and their love, but you do not feel them in their body, they are separate. You want to hold them and you cherish that time because that precious body is what you took care of. Their body is what you held close to your body, their body is what you touched and what let you know that they are real, it is what made them yours. They are made of your flesh and blood. Our body is our temple, our temple for our beautiful spirits to dwell while we come to this earth and are loved.

My heart aches today knowing my friend will bury her baby, that sweet little body that she has loved and as I did with my sweet little girl a year ago. This is what is wonderful, their spirits live on forever and we can feel them near and know it is truly them and that one day we really will be together again.

Busy

Well, we all made it through what I think was the flu. It hit every member in our family. Thank goodness it is over because this week was busy. I did hair a couple times this week, had appointments to go to, mutual to teach, and shopping to do. We were going to go to Flagstaff this weekend with some friends, but that didn't work out. Thank goodness or I would have been pulling my hair out!

Hopefully I can relax a little this weekend and take in some encouragement and the spirit from Conference this weekend. That way I can be refreshed and ready for another busy week and months ahead.

Sick Family

Sick kids sick kids every where
Let me tell you "I do care. "

Two of us in our family
and scary to think it might be three.

Brookie and Kylie that is who,
but I'm starting to think it
might be me or Tay Tay too.

Sick kids sick kids every where.
All I can say is I do care.

Up all night and crying too
I wish I could take a snooze.


Okay, I know that was totally cheesy, but it was fun.

Happy Birthday Kylie Bear!

Today is Kylie's Birthday! She turns 7 years old today. I can't believe that she is that old, time is flying by. I remember when she was born and I was wondering how I was going to handle two little girls. Tayler and Kylie are 16 months apart, so it was almost like having twins. Kylie was such an easy baby so it made it easy to have her and Tayler so close together.

Kylie is still a joy to have and fairly easy going too. Kylie is our little comedian. She says some of the funniest things. Sometimes it is her brutal honesty that is so hilarious, only when it is not about you. She is so innocent and at the same time so feisty. We all love our Kylie Bear!

Yesterday we celebrated her Birthday with the family and a few of our close friends that feel like they are a part of our family. The kids had a fun time doing the gigantic slip and slide that Ethan made. Since our yard slopes down it was a little like they were sliding down a small hill. They had fun splish splashing around and of course opening presents and eating birthday cake!

Here are some pictures of the kids doing the slip and slide. Kylie is in the blue and white swim suit.

Here is Kylie opening her presents and blowing our her cake.

Love You Kylie!

F.H.E.

Okay I am going to admit something that I need to work better at... Family Home Evening. Yes, guilty as charged, I do not have regular Monday Family Nights. Actually it depends on what you think defines Family Night. We are always together as a Family on Monday Nights. We usually do something together like, swimming, grocery shopping (yeah!) or just hanging out. If you define Family Night as having a lesson each time well then I fall short. There, I admitted it. Nobodies perfect, right?

Anyways... during Sacrament meeting this Sunday my family wasn't very reverent. My girls were arguing and Kylie's idea of talking quietly is keeping it to a dull roar. I think the whole ward heard that she had to go potty, then she needed a drink and asked how many minutes are left till they can go to primary. I was so frustrated by the end of sacrament meeting that it gave me inspiration for a great family night lesson.

Therefore last night we had our lesson on the importance of Sundays and how we act on that day. Don't get me wrong my girls are really pretty good. They don't get out of control too often and I just wanted to remind them how to be reverent and why we act this way on Sundays.

My girls were actually excited for the lesson and were anxious to answer the questions and listen to the scriptures that daddy read. I think the lesson made them think more of how they act. Even though it was a good lesson I could tell the adversary trys to make doing good so much harder than normal. Brookie was totally out of control during the lesson pulling the girls hair, the evening was a little more hectic than it needed to be, but it all slowly subsided. We were happier together as a family. We even went into Ethan's office and listened to music together as the girls danced.

I love my family and I am so thankful for them. I am going to try harder to have a lesson on Family Nights. It probably won't happen every Monday Night but it is definitely something I am going to try harder on. One Step At a Time.

On a Lighter Note

You have to endure the bitter to enjoy the sweet, right? It is so true. Here is my sweet... Eager Arizona during Labor Day! Eager is one of our favorite places to go especially when we need a quick get away. Ethan's grandparents have a cabin there and they are so kind to let us use it. We love taking the quads up and enjoy the nice weather! We went with so friends, but I now realize I don't have any pictures of them. So here is our family.

It's been A While

My mother in law pointed out that it has been a while since I have posted on my blog. Yeah I guess it has been about a week. She asked me why I haven't and I found myself saying "I have nothing to say." True, I am more distant than I have been in the past. I have a lot on my mind and same with my husband. We have been keeping to ourselves mostly spending time with just our family. It is still a constant reminder that Kamber is no longer with us. Brookie is growing up so fast and is starting to do things just like Kamber did. Sometimes it makes me happy and other times it makes me sad. Tayler and Kylie are getting so big also. I miss when they were younger but happy for the kind of girls they are turning out to be. I always find myself yearning to know what Kamber would be like now. How would it be with our whole family here now.

I guess I am jealous of everyone who still have all their children. Daily tasks are done, decisions are made and at the end of the day families are gathered together. My decisions are now done with a little fear and a ping in my heart knowing decisions can change lives no matter how little they are.

I am still learning how to trust and be patient because at the end of this life my family will be gathered together a solid family unit reuniting with the one we have longed to be with our entire lives!

Easier but Harder

Since Kamber has past away life has been so much harder in a lot of ways but sad to say some things are easier. I remember after she had past someone said to me your life now is going to be a little bit easier, in some ways. At that time I could not even comprehend that. Life to me was harder than it had ever been and I felt for sure that it would be that way forever.

A little over a year has past and yes that statement made to me in those first days has rung true in some ways. For instance going to do things away from home is always easier with one child as apposed to two children. Hummm, other than that I don't think life is any easier.

So as I go today to get some things done away from home I think of Kamber and what it would be like with her here. I see moms with a couple of kids out doing their shopping and I smile at how sweet and what would have been for myself. Life, I am sure would be crazy but I know now that crazy is worth every minute.

Brave Little Soul-Kamber

A sweet reader/friend sent me this story. It touched her heart as it did mine. Thanks so much Brooke!

The Brave Little Soul

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little Soul, do not be sad, for the suffering unlocks the love in peoples hearts." The Little Soul was confused. "What do you mean?" she asked. God replied, " Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.

"The Little Soul began to understand and listen attentively as God continued, " The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this-it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer-to unlock this love-to create this miracle-for the good of all humanity."Just then the Little Soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the Little Soul excitedly replied, " I am brave; let me go ! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!

"God smiled and said, "You are a brave Soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."

God and the Brave Little Soul shared a smile and then embraced. In parting, God said,"Do not forget Little Soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will so through My strength, And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."

Thus at that moment the Brave Little Soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and Gods strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in peoples hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys-some regained lost faith-many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and Love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The Miracle happened. God was pleased.