Brighter Days, Till...

The past couple of days have been brighter! I look forward to days that I can get out of bed and do my daily routine and feel some sort of hope. Today was one of those days till... I was going through one of my cupboards and saw the container that I have a piece of Kamber's hair in. At the hospital I braided a piece of Kamber's beautiful blond hair and cut off a piece to have. I don't touch it all that often because it is the only tangible thing that is truly her. I can still smell her in her hair but it is mostly the way she smelt that last day I saw her alive and then held her lifeless body in my arms.

Today seeing and holding her hair triggered something in me. I held it tight and then put it down telling Heavenly Father that "Today I am Angry. " "I am angry that Kamber had to go!" I could feel the anger throughout my body and then I could feel my body slump over. Why, Why do I feel this way? Why do I have to endure? I don't want just memories of my sweet daughter, I want her here. I MISS HER.

I understand the plan but yet I don't. I love the memories but yet I don't. I want time to fly by but yet I don't. This road I travel is lonely and ugly. I miss my sweet little girl.

I send love and hugs to all those who have lost a child. The pain is great but in the end our pain is promised the be reciprocated one hundred fold.

Accepting

Do you ever get to the point in grief that you actually accept the loss? I have felt that lately I have done pretty good. I felt that I have been accepting that Kamber is gone and looking forward to the day that I get to see her again. Just when you think that all is okay a wave comes and takes you down. I woke up this morning feeling sick but not because I am physically sick right now but that emotionally, spiritually, mentally sick feeling. The longing to see Kamber this morning. It was horrible waking up and knowing I can't just walk into her room and see her. Why does this have to linger every day. This is not a battle I want to trudge through, some day s I want to just give up and not get out of bed. Do I really have to face this reality day after day? The answer is always, YES.

It is so exhausting to feel okay some days and then angry other days. It is not mind over matter, it is what it is and it is HARD. I do know that I will be with Kamber again and I know that she does come around us and those times are wonderful. But I am human and it is hard not to have her physically here. Time goes on and this day will soon pass and hopefully tomorrow will bring happier feelings.

The Pieces of my Heart

It is amazing when enduring hard trials there is growth as a person during those times. I have always considered myself a spiritually strong person with a close relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My faith has been tested from time to time but nothing like the here and now. When Kamber first died I don't think I had ever been more close to my Heavenly Father or my family. I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost like I have never flet before. I felt strong and knew my little girl was being taken care of. After the first couple of weeks the reality started to set in. I realized that Kamber had really died and that I was not waking up from the bad dream, IT WAS MY REALITY. My heart, testimony, and every thing I knew about was shattered into a million pieces. I found myself looking at the pieces that at one time formed what I thought was me and didn't recognize them at all. How could this have happen to my family? My world was spinning. Little by little I have tried to pick up the pieces and I think it is going to take a life time to put them back together. Each piece I am finding is different now, the peices don't look the same and sometimes don't fit the mold so I lay them back down and search for another one. Time doesn't seem to heal, it just takes life in to different feelings and meanings. My testimony has grown and other times I wonder what I truly believe. I always seem to find my way back to the teachings of the gospel and how grateful I am for it. It doesn't take the pain away but it is nice to have it to cling to especially through this sort of trial.

Since Kamber's passing we have had an outflow of people reaching out to us. We had never know the true amount of friends or have never been ones to so freely talk about our beliefs and share our testimony. Ethan and I have had many people ask us about the gospel and it has been great to share it with others. There is always a special spirit when we talk of our testimony of eternal families. We don't only believe that we will see Kamber again but that we will be together as a family unit as we are now. I will still be married to the love of my life and my girls will still be sisters and we will enjoy each other as we do now. That is one of the greatest gifts that Heavenly Father has given us!

I won't ever be grateful for the trial of Kamber dieing but I feel I can be grateful for the things I learn along the path of making my way back to my Heavenly Father. Some days I can't see any good and could care less for things learned and the happiness of other families. But there are many times I can see the sweetness of my Fathers love for me and my family. I see the special spirit that Kamber is and how grateful we are to have her in our family. We did something right for Heavenly Father to trust us with one of his most righteous children and I would endure all this pain over again to have Kamber in our lives and waiting for me when I die, that will be a wonderful day! For now I try to enjoy every minute with my family and pick up the peices to my heart very slowly. I want to make every piece one to remember.

1st Birthday in Heaven

I want to start off by thanking every one that brought over flowers, gifts, cards and took time to say hi and call on the phone to wish Kamber a Happy Birthday. The show of Love and support to our family was amazing. I woke up in the morning to purple balloons on my home and down the neighborhood streets and homes. It was so fun to see all the purple and then a sign was put in our lawn that said " We Love U Larsens!" I was fun to see how much people really did care for us and remembered our sweet Kamber. I spent most the morning answering the phone or answering the door to beautiful flowers for Kamber. My home smells so good thanks to the flowers delivered. I received beautiful gifts that were heart felt and had beautiful meaning behind them that I will keep forever. Thank you to all who had kind words and came to celebrate Kambers Birthday!


Here are some pictures of her big day.

Here was are standing in front of Kambers grave.

The sign in our yard.

Here is Kambers grave decorated with purple flowers, pinwheels, and birthday balloons!

This is the balloon release. We had 45 balloons in purple and pink. There was one white balloon that was Kambers angel balloon. We had little papers tied to the balloon with special messages for Kamber.

Kambers Birthday cake, Tayler and Kylie had the honors of blowing out Kambers candle.

This is a blanket with Kambers picture on it. This blanket is beautiful! Shasta found a way for me to give Kamber hugs any time I want!

Kamber's Birthday!

Happy Birthday Kamber! She would be 3 yrs. old today. We are so happy to have had Kamber in our life for her short time on earth. We know she is with us today and can see all that we are doing to remember her.

We love you sweetheart and hope you have a Happy Birthday!

Scroll down to see some of our favorite pics. of Kamber.


Last Family picture.

Proud big sister. She loved Brookie!

Easter this year.

Turning 2 yrs.

Kamber's 2nd Birthday Party! She was so cute.

Kamber loved to smile like this to make us laugh.

Our snow trip on Kamber's 2nd Birthday. She loved the snow!

Kamber was more interested in the bow from her presents than her gifts.

Kamber's 1st Birthday! We had heart balloons and pink cupcakes. Kamber loved eating her first cupcake.

Best Friends!

Proud Daddy and big sisters!

Kamber was born February 10, 2006. We were so happy to have another cute little girl!

Kamber's Daddy

Let me tell you about Kamber's Daddy. I don't mention him much on the blog and he chooses not to write his feelings. But I don't want him to go unnoticed or be in the background because he is the center of our world. I have always said there is something special between a dad and his daughters. Especially with Ethan and Kamber. Ethan seemed to be Kambers favorite person in the whole world. You could tell that he was wonderful in her eyes! Kamber didn't like it when daddy would leave for work and she always had to give him a hug and kiss before he left and she was the first person at the door when he came home. Ethan always had time to play with the girls no matter how tired he was. He loved teaching Kamber the animal sounds and saying I Love You! Kamber loved to give her daddy big hugs and kisses. Each night Kamber would hop on Ethan's lap and that is where she would fall asleep. You could see Ethan's heart melt each time he would kiss her goodnight and lay her in bed. Ethan loves his little girls and misses Kamber but he clings to the faith that he will be with her again.

Ethan has been our rock through this trial. He has an optimistic personality and trys to look for the good in any situation. Standing 6"5 ft. and with his deep voice he can seem intimidating but he is truly the biggest teddy bear you will ever meet. He has the biggest heart and a love for life. Kamber seemed to get her heart from her daddy. I know Kamber watches over her daddy everyday and she can't wait to be able to throw her arms around his neck once again. Kamber loves her Daddy and we are so grateful to have him in our lives!

Kamber is Here!

This morning I walked outside to throw some things away in the garbage and it felt wonderful outside. I thought to myself "What a beautiful day!" I walked through our gate and looked over towards the pool. We have a big pot of beautiful purple flowers near our pool and the sight was beautiful today. As I looked at the flowers I had an overwhelming feeling of Kambers presence and the thought came to me again, What a Beautiful Day! It was as if I could feel what Kamber was saying. I kept looking over at the flowers to see if I could see her presence but I couldn't. But the feeling of her there was almost overwhelming. I didn't want to walk away but I knew I needed to get inside so I could get my girls ready for school. As I walked back through the gate I took one last look and a second to just feel and thought to myself " I know you are here Kamber and it is a beautiful day."

I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father and daughter that allow me to still feel their presence and that they reassure me that they love me. I know that Heavenly Father knows each one of us individually and he really does want us to be happy. Trials are a part of this life and I know there is a purpose behind them as hard as they might be. We somehow are to learn and grow. I hope I am doing just that so I can stand before him some day and say that I endured well. I did my best to learn and Kamber's life wasn't lost in vain.

Thank you Kamber for coming to me today and reminding me of the beauty of the simple things in life! I Love You.

Sunday Lessons

I walked into Relief Society and my eyes caught the picture sitting on the table. It was a picture of a new born baby. My first thought was how cute and as I walked closer I could see an oxygen tube in the babies nose. I sat down next to one of my friends and just stared at the picture. I immediately felt anxious thinking about what the lesson might be. I continued to stare at the baby in the picture thinking of the innocence and joy a child brings and how much I love my girls and thought of my angel Kamber. I turned to my friend and said "I don't think I am going to like this lesson because of that picture." She immediately put her arms on my shoulder to comfort me. As the lesson began I noticed myself tuning out as I continued to look at the picture of the sweet baby. I thought to myself that this baby is someones child and I was pretty sure the baby had passed away or had many complications and maybe had a miracle outcome. I started to think what if this baby is a miracle baby and Heavenly Father granted this family the miracle of saving his life so that they can enjoy him on this earth? I thought "oh no. I can't handle hearing about that. What about my miracle? Who saved my daughter from deaths grips? Nobody..." Soon after my sadness and anxiousness my feelings turned to peace as I remembered the comfort I felt as Kamber passed away, we knew in our heart that she was gone and in the prayer said by my husband before Kamber was transported to the hospital was that Kamber would be okay and we knew what the outcome and answer was. She was okay in our Heavenly Fathers arms.
Soon after the teacher started telling her story of her grandson Brookie started screaming. Maybe this was a blessing for me not to hear the details of the short life of this baby. I am glad that I could feel some peace at this time about that little boy and my Kamber knowing where they are and how special they are. Feeling peace doesn't take the pain away behind the loss but it does help us to endure.

Dear Kamber

Last night I was having a hard time expressing how I felt to Ethan. I wasn't angry but I was upset. I missed Kamber so much. I was really sad but I guess was accepting the fact that she is gone. My heart just ached so I decided to write Kamber a letter to tell her how I felt.

Dear Kamber,
I miss you so much tonight. I have been fighting back the tears and somehow I just can't let them flow. I miss seeing you play with your sisters. Today Brookie is wearing one of your outfits that Tristyn gave you for Christmas when you were little. Brookie is getting so big and I know you would have so much fun playing with her. She squints her nose just like you use to. It is so fun to see part of you in her.

I was staring at one of your pictures tonight and I was thinking about how beautiful you are. Your eyebrows are perfectly shaped. You have beautiful big blue eyes that remind me of Grandpa Leonard. You have the cutest straight teeth with big luscious lips that when you smile it lights up your whole face. I love your blonde hair and I miss the smell and touch of it. I miss seeing your cute little legs sticking out of your shorts and especially when you would wear a night gown. But most of all I miss your hugs, kisses, and hearing you say "I Love You!" You were my world and you brought so much excitement and love to our family. It is almost like I can't believe you are really gone. I never thought this would be a part of my life. I never thought I would lose one of my beautiful daughters. I don't understand it. Really, Why did you have to go? I would have taught you well and you would have never lacked being loved. I would have done a good job taking care of you and trying my best to make you happy. I know you are in heaven and it is a special place but, I would have done my best to make here in our home special too.

I guess I am realizing that we have no say when we return to our Heavenly home. For some reason you were to return leaving us after only 2 1/2 years. What I can gather is that you are to special and pure for this wicked world. We knew before you were born that you were special, you have a light about you that was captivating. I feel lucky to have been chosen to be your mom. I have so much still to learn and I will do my best to learn well so I can have a chance to raise you again some day.

I just want you to know how much I love and miss you. Your daddy and sisters love and miss you so much. You are always in our prayers and we hope that you are having a wonderful time surrounded by people that love you. I will love you always my sweet Kamber.

Love your Mommy!

6 Months

Today marks 6 months since our sweet Kamber passed away. It is interesting how your body just knows. Ethan and I couldn't help but wake up this morning with a sadness in our hearts and a longing to see Kamber running into our room as she did every morning. You don't know what we would have given to hear her sweet voice and see her beautiful smiling face! I didn't want to go to church today but somehow I mustered up the courage and took my girls and left Ethan at home with our sick baby Brookie. I found myself avoiding Sunday School and talking with a good friend of mine about life. Relief Society was good but made me nervous as the lesson started. I didn't want a lesson I would cry through, specially not today. I made it through and now I am safe in my home free to let my feelings out as I need.

Six months, has it really been that long and yet not long at all. It feels like eternity since I have seen Kamber.We just miss her today.

We love You Kamber!

Write A Book ?

I have been told by many that maybe I should write a book. My response is always " Your funny." My husband told me today that as he was showering and he was thinking that maybe I should write a book on my experiences about Kamber. I was totally shocked that my husband thought the same that others had felt and a thought that had passed through my mind but one that I have always put aside. I know that I don't have the best grammar or spelling and maybe sometimes the way I word things don't make sense but, I write how I feel at the time and the way I would talk to someone if they were standing right in front of me.

I have had some really neat experiences and many that I do not post on the blog but, I always record them. I have been told that I am very real and raw about my emotions on the blog and that many people feel it is refreshing. This is not how I have always been throughout my life but something has changed in me and hopefully it is for the better. I don't want to sugar coat my life because Life is Hard. People tend to understand the loss of a mother, father, grandparents and etc. but I have noticed there seems to be no understanding behind the loss of a child. It is actually something that people would rather not even have to think about. Life is different after you lose a child in a very dramatic way. Sad to say but you are treated different. There is a shift in your life and in the life of your family, one that you would rather not have but it is there without any warning.

I have read some books on grief and haven't found any that are really real about the grief of a mother. I would like something that tells of the dark side and then tells of the most uplifting and glorious experiences that Heavenly Father allows a mother to experience. The blessings and the hardships of a loss that cannot even be explained. To others that read they get only a little glimpse to the heart ache but, to the families that have endured this loss it is a validation of their feelings. This would be the purpose of a book, to help others. This is just a thought and I kind of feel retarded even mentioning it but, the subject has come up many times. Anyways, this post is just to get some feed back. What do you think?

A Mind Is A Powerful Thing

Last night I had a bad dream. I don't remember any pictures or necessarily any details but I have figured out what the dream was about. In my dream I was running and screaming, the exact scream I had when I found Kamber. I felt the rush of energy and panic that I felt that day. I also felt the shock and numbness that over come my body when the doctors told me that there is nothing else they can do and realizing that Kamber is really gone. I can remember the feeling of realizing that I really have no control over what happens to my children and that it doesn't matter how good of a parent you are or how much you love your child and do good things that bad things happen. There was also the realization that how much I know and believe in the plan of salvation it doesn't make all the heart ache go away and instantly mend your heart. At the end of the dream it took my breath away as I realized that Kamber has really died and yes this is my reality in my dream and when I wake. I was thankful that last night I didn't have to see the pictures along with the feelings and emotions but, as I woke I knew my mind already knew the pictures that go with the story. What a blessing it was to just feel those feelings and not have the pictures playing out at the same time as hard as it was to feel. I think that Heavenly Father knew if that had happened it would have sent my back into a spiral downward. Heavenly Father can't protect us from everything but, he can give us little tender mercies to help us stay balanced.

San Diego

The day after Christmas we went to San Diego for a much needed break from reality. We met our friends the McNeil's and the Nash's for a weekend of fun. Here was one of our favorite spots. We went to Sea Port Village and saw the aircraft carriers. These boats are huge! We were going to do a tour but it is expensive and there were a lot of stairs and with our chunk a bunka Brookie it would have been hard. We had a lot o fun on this trip. We missed Kamber and knew she would have loved all the fun things we did. I will post more on my family blog soon.

This was our first Christmas party for the season. Family Tradition on Ethan's side of the family is to meet with the Greer side of the family and eat yummy green chili burros, good desserts, sing songs, do a nativity with all the kids and read the book Turkey Trot. I was a little nervous about going not knowing how I would feel but it did okay. Each year they have someone in each family introduce their family because there are always new member due to new children being born. This year I fought back the tears as my family was introduced and one member was missing. It was hard not to hear Kambers name and seeing her run around with all the other cousins. Then we sing the twelve days of Christmas and each month represents each day. So all the January birthdays sing the first day, February birthdays sing the second day etc. Well, Kamber being a February birthday again one person was missing, not that she could sing but she was missing. The party continued on and we made it through, I know she was with us in spirit and I am grateful for that. The above picture is Brookie playing the baby Jesus, Tayler was Mary, and Kylie in the background as an angel. How perfect was it for Kylie to play the angel, last year that is the part that Kamber played.

The Pool Picture

I don't think I have spoken about the significance of the picture I have on the blog. Why would I have a picture of Kamber in the pool when that is what took her life? I worried about other people might think when I had this picture among many at the funeral and wondered what thoughts would go through people head as it was put as the header for my Kamber blog. Then I decided I don't care what people think, this picture is very special to me and my family.

A couple of months before Kamber died we went as a family to Las Vegas. This was a yearly tradition that was started by my brother and sister in law and his family. They go each year for my bro. in laws dads convention and they have invited us to go with the past few years. I was reluctant to go the first year not liking what Las Vegas had to offer but, it has turned into one of our families favorite vacations. Not every thing is bad there and it is what you choose to do that can be bad or good. Our time there is spent swimming in the huge pools and playing in the waterfalls during the day with a nice nap in the middle from being exhausted chasing kids from one pool to the next. We love to take the kids to the adventure dome at Circus Circus and let them ride the rides. The Stratosphere is always fun for the kids to feel they are on top of the world. The knight show at Excalibur is a fun dinner and show for the kids, and some nights are fun just hanging out in the hotel room and ordering room service. This vacation is always fun and relaxing doing what ever we want. But our favorite part is the pool during the day. I don't know a kid who doesn't like to be in the water. Our Kamber was a little fish! During this last vacation Kamber would jump in the pool head first with her floaties on out to Uncle BJ. She had no fear! She of course wouldn't go very far under the water because her floaties wouldn't allow her to but, she loved it and would hop out and do it over and over again. This made the lifeguards nervous and one came over and told us that she had to stop jumping in unless she would jump feet first. Well being two she didn't like being told no and continued a couple more times and then gave up. It was after that she swam over to me and sat on the steps. I thought she looked so cute so I grabbed my camera to take a picture. At first she didn't want me to take her picture and then it became a game. Finally she sat still enough and gave me a silly grin. I had forgotten about this picture till after she died and we were finding pictures we wanted framed for the funeral. This one showed up and tears just flowed from Ethan and my eyes. There was the perfect picture to treasure for always. It captures her beauty, personality and her favorite thing to do in the whole world. The very thing that made her so happy and the very thing that took her life. This picture is perfect and will always have a special spot in our home. It is constant reminder of the fun we had as a family and to continue to try and enjoy life as Kamber did.

Return to Kamber.

Every time I sign out of my Kamber blog the next screen that pulls up says Return to Kamber. Each time I think in my head if you only knew how much I wish to Return to Kamber. I think it is interesting that the screen says that but, I kind of like it. It reminds me each day to try hard and always strive to be a better person so that I can Return to Kamber. I am learning many lessons through this trial and one is that I don't have to be perfect and Heavenly Father doesn't expect that from me. As long as I am doing the best I can at the time then Heavenly Father will make up the rest. He understands my feelings and how hard this trial is for me. He must know that some how I will find a way to endure it and make it back to him and Kamber.

Having to endure the loss of Kamber puts new meaning on the thought I would do anything for my children. I can honestly say yes. I would lose having Kamber here for a long life on earth with me to guarantee her Celestial life in Heaven. We as a family were willing to take on this challenge just to have her be a part of our family. It is a blessing to have such a special child, though the challenge of the trial at times seems unbearable. You see, sometimes I can see the big picture and often the natural man steps in and puts blinders on and I can only see what is being handed to me at the time. It is an up and down roller coaster and moving to the top is very steep and can take a long time to reach. Just like a roller coaster getting to the bottom only takes seconds.

I am grateful for my Kamber blog that I can write my feelings and have an outlet for some of my pain. I am thankful to have something that I can pass down to family members for them to read and maybe it will be something that can show strength and growth amidst my trials.

I LOVE YOU TOO!

Okay so truth be told I have been struggling a lot the past few months. My emotions are so mixed and life is just hard and that is an understatement. One strong emotion I have had is that I have been mad at the whole situation of Kamber being gone and if I were to blame anyone for her death it would be me and I guess Heavenly Father for not letting me know Kamber was in danger so I could save her. There are so many people that get promptings and are able to save people and I felt nothing. For the first time in my life I haven't truly known what I believe anymore. I know what my heart tells me but, my mind doesn't want to believe it. I felt as if I have been standing alone with no help, I have felt nothing. My mind has just been spinning round and round. I have found myself just wanting to give up and not have to worry about anything anymore.

I was talking to Candi last night about how I have really felt and she just listened and validated my feelings. She didn't try to preach to me or worry if I was loosing my testimony. She didn't run to her scriptures and find a verse to try and make it better, nor did she ask me if I was saying my prayers, going to church, the temple, reading my scriptures, having family home evening, and trying to be perfect in every way. She just listened and made me feel that it is okay to have hard times, it is okay not to be perfect in everything you do. Heavenly Father knows when you are doing the best you can at the time. All of my family tells me I am doing so good, but I don't let people see me on my hard days but, here lately I haven't been able to control it as well. I have thought that if people saw the hard times then it would mean I am weak and maybe I really can't endure this trial. The biggest thing about not wanting people to see me cry is that people tend to stare. It is different when it is family watching you cry because I can see the pain and understanding in their eyes, they feel it to. But people I don't know that well, I don't like to let my emotions out. That is part of why church is so hard for me right now. I know the members in my ward will understand but I just don't like it and the lessons don't always make me feel better, many times I leave worse than I was before I got there. This has nothing to do with the teachers, it is just part of my life right now. Trust me I feel the spirit very often but sometimes you don't want to hear all about what you already know, you just want to know that what you are feeling is okay. It is truly okay to be sad about Kamber even though she is in Heaven.

Now that I have rambled I will get back to what I was talking to Candi about. I told her that I just wished that Heavenly Father would let Kamber come to see me every once in a while and let me maybe talk to her. I have felt like she was taken and I was left to deal and be torchered. These words have also been in my prayers every night and that I was sorry that I felt that way but, deep down I have felt that Heavenly Father understood my feelings. Well, last night he must have heard me and felt that I have suffered enough because Kamber came to me in a dream. I am not going to go into detail about my dream but, I will tell you that she said
"I LUV U!" and hugged me and I told her "I LOVE YOU TOO!" and held her. The entire dream was so real and lasted what seemed like a day, it was a wonderful time with her. I have always wondered if Kamber really knew how much I love her and if she loved me as much as I loved her. Had she forgiven me for not being able to save her? I feel that my questions were answered last night and I now have a stronger testimony of the love that Heavenly Father has for me. He let me have that experience that I so needed to be able to deal a little l0nger even though I had been so angry with him. Trials aren't meant to torcher they are meant for us to learn as hard as it may be on us and for Heavenly Father to have to let us go through them. I am thankful for my experience last night with Kamber.

My little sweetheart "I LUV YOU TOO!"

We Went Out Of Town

We went out of town the day after Christmas to California. It was great! I didn't have to think of anything other than what we were doing for the day. Once my computer is fixed I will post pictures of our vacation. I am noticing it is hard to come home. I am back surrounded by all the reminders of what is missing. I don't feel Kamber as often and I wonder if that is just how it will be as time goes on. I am noticing that I hate this house and love it all at the same time. I hate that every where I look I see reminders of her,every where and some days it is more than I can handle and other days it makes me happy. But, I can't imagine living any where else right now. This is the place with the last memories of Kamber. Christmas was Kambers 5 month mark, wasn't that nice little spin to add to the day? It wasn't all horrible though, it made it bitter- sweet.
As a mom having to deal with this sort of loss 5 months out does not make things any better and no it is not enough time to get over the fact that my daughter is gone.

While we were on vacation someone asked my husband the dreaded question with all of us standing right there. So you have 3 beautiful girls? My husband hesitated and then popped out actually we have 4 daughters, my 2 year old passed away a few months ago. Her mouth dropped and I could see the sadness in her eyes as she turned to me and asked How do you get over that? My response was You don't. She shook her head as though she was agreeing with me.

That is it YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T! You find ways to deal with it everyday and some days you deal with it better than others but you don't ever get over it.
So now I am back to reality and plugging along because vacations are not realities,this here at home is. Some days that reality is really, really good and those are days that I can pull myself together and really enjoy my family.

Happy New Year!

It is a new year and hopefully will be filled with fun and exciting moments just waiting to be memories for years to come. 2008 is the year that definitely has changed mine and my families life forever. What a jam packed year of ups and downs, some memories so fun and exciting (Brookie being born and fun vacations!) and others memories that have brought the most sadness I have ever endured. (the loss of Kamber) The year also brought lots of growth spiritually and of course physically since we are another year older and closer to 30. Would I change last year, I don't really know. I don't regret how much time we spent together as a family, I did have Kamber in my life for a short time and that last 7 months with her probably was the most fun, and we developed lots of beautiful memories in those last 7 months. Do I wish she never died, of course I do but would I bring her back now that she is with our Heavenly Father and in a perfect place, no way. I would sacrifice it all again just to have had her with us for that short time.

We are learning and growing every day and I am sure 2009 is going to be a struggle for us in every aspect but I know there will be lots of growth and learning that will come with this new year and new trial. We hope every one has a great new year to come.

Starting this new year I may not post everyday, I will post as often as I feel the need as I move through the emotions of loosing my sweet Kamber.
A Christmas post will be coming soon, when I feel that I can handle diving back into that emotional day.

Lots of Love,
Jen

My First Christmas With Jesus

My First Christmas With Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the
Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside
your heart.But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. After all, love
is a gift more precious than pure gold.It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep
each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

This poem was given to me by a sweet reader, Kim.
Thank you of the comforting poem and I am trying to focus on the wonderful Christmas Kamber gets to have.
This will be my post for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday!
Love,
The Larsen Family