Distraction

I mentioned before that I had watched the movie Twilight. Well, now I have started reading the series. Actually I started a week ago and I am now on the last book. I have read the books as often as I could which is not as often as I would like since I have kids that need some of my attention too.
I have been so enthralled with the books and it has been a nice distraction from my real life. There have been days that I have been sad about Kamber this week but it has been nice to not have to focus on it. Instead I have consumed myself in the books. It is nice to have something to distract me for a while and save me from myself.
I am grateful for the little outlets in my life and from a husband that understands when I need time alone. I think I may have found a new hobby that I like. I never thought that I would like to read but I think that is changing. :)

Remembering an Interesting Conversation with a Little Fishy

I don't know exactly why I am remembering these thoughts from when Kamber was around. Maybe it is because most my prayers to my Heavenly Father have been about how lost I feel. I cling to the faith that I have and struggle to fully trust my Heavenly Father again. I know he understands my feelings and is grateful that I turn to him. I have to say that my relationship with him is probably closer than it has ever been but distant all at the same time. I find that when I pray I talk to him as if he were sitting right next to me. For once I really tell him how I really feel, all the emotions that I have and that I wouldn't tell anyone else. At the same time I find myself angry at him and not sure if I really trust him. Not that I feel he took Kamber from me to be mean but just knowing that if he needs another person in my life that he can take them away too. But with all these feelings, I Love Him.

So back to my thoughts and conversations that I have been remembering lately. One of the last times I took Kamber swimming she was being her usual self. Jumping off the side of the pool, going down the slide like a big kid and laughing. It was routine that she would sneak and take off her floaties and hurry and jump in the pool because she really thought that she could swim. I was always there to grab her and make her put her floaties on. This last time I was constantly getting after her for trying to take her floaties off. She successfully did one time and went down the slide with no floaties on. That was it, I had had it with getting after her and she was scaring me. So no more swimming for that day. I took her into her room to get her out of her swim suit and she was dancing around and laughing.
Here is our talk:

Me: Kamber you have to wear your floaties in the pool.
Kamber: Nooo
Me: Yes, Do you want to drown?
Kamber: YES!
Me: NO you don't that means you die and I would be so sad and cry and cry and cry. I couldn't take it if you were gone. I love YOU!
Kamber: K!

I got her dressed and didn't think of that conversation again.

Now I'm not saying that she wanted to drown or that it was an insight to what was to happen a sort time later. I just thought it was interesting. Who know that one of my worst fears would come true. And yes I am sooo sad and cry and cry and cry, there are times I think I can't take it.

Things to Remember

Today as I was exercising I had Brookie crawling all around me making it as difficult as she could. I kept having to step over her and try to escape her grabby hands. My thoughts turned to Kamber as I remembered how hard she made it for me to exercise also. Kamber would always crawl all over me when she was little and then as she got older she would mimic anything I would do. It was so cute to watch her do the exercises with me. As she grew she loved to be with me in what ever I was doing and when she got bored she was off to making another mess as quietly as she could. I have a feeling those days are coming soon with Brookie. There will be many new memories of Kamber to come through her growing little sister.

Then a new thought of Kamber came to my mind. I started cleaning this big home that I dread keeping clean. I was thinking of each room in this house and what rooms I dread cleaning the most. I would have to say that my room and Kylie's take the top. Then I thought of when I lived in our other home how fast it was to clean since it was smaller. I could run through that house in a hour and it was all clean and I would wish for a bigger home. I pften wondered if I would ever move to a different home. When we started building this home I couldn't wait to spend sometime here enjoying more room. Now I look back at the excitement this home brought but now I think of the sadness and joy that this home brings. Before we moved here I remember that I couldn't get Kamber to sleep completely through the night. She was almost two and I had another baby on the way and I was desperately wanting a good night sleep. The first night we moved in to this new home was the first time Kamber slept through the night and she did from then on. She must have felt comfortable in our new home. She would even put herself to sleep for naps and bedtime on occasion. I look back now and realize how happy she was here. For awhile now I have wondered if we made the right decision to move here and if Kamber would still be alive if we hadn't. I don't know the answer to that question in my heart quite yet but at times I feel peace with the answer of yes to the move and no Kamber probably still wouldn't be here if we had not moved. There are many times that I feel that it was her time to go and she would have been taken another way. But times it is hard to realize that because I felt that I was doing a good job being her mother and that I loved her enough. So it doesn't make sense that somewhere else would be a better place for her to be, even if that is in heaven.

I just wanted to record my thoughts today and remember that Kamber was at peace in this home and that at one time I felt the same way. Maybe someday I will feel that constant peace again.

Dreams

Last night I must have slept really hard because I don't think I even moved. I went to bed last night feeling a little sad knowing that my husband was having a little bit of a hard time. He misses his little girl.

I fell into a deep sleep and then the dream began. I was playing outside with my kids as my life is now. Kamber was not in it. We had some friends kids over playing with us. From out of the blue my friends youngest child was gone. We looked every where for her. Of course the first place even in my dream was the pool. I searched and searched that pool only to find baby dolls at the bottom. Then there was this huge waterfall that appeared out of no where but in my dream it was in my backyard that some how grew 5 acres. We had many people searching the waterfall and pond. No little girl. I was relieved that she was not in there but it was constantly in the back of my mind as we searched for this little girl. I was sure she probably drown and I was sick to my stomach.

After we searched the streets and every where we could think of I had to tell her mom that she had been kidnapped. I was so sad and sick that my friend had to see what it felt like to miss one of her children. I cried and cried knowing that she and her family were worried about there little girl. Guilt overcame me and it was really hard to endure knowing she was lost on my watch. But for some reason in the back of my mind there was hope that this little girl would be found. I kept saying to myself Heavenly Father will help us find her, I know she will be found. But even with the police involved she could not be found, but we would not give up.

Finally there was a lead to who took her and this person had taken a couple of other little children also. Next thing I knew the police chase was on and they had captured the person that took the kids. All of our friends got on bikes to ride down to where the little children were found. My friends made a huge bow to put on my bike so I could ride for Kamber since I was not going to be reunited with her since she had died. I was so happy for my friend knowing that she did not have to go her whole life without her sweet daughter, that it was just one day. I could not wait for her to hold her little girl in her arms again and I could not wait to see her also.

When we got down to where the children were there were a bunch of people holding pink balloons for the little girls that were taken. I saw my friend and her little girl reunited and it was wonderful. Tears poured down my face for them. I couldn't believe how happy I was for them knowing that my life would not change, I could not have Kamber back in this life time. Then out of the blue I just thought I would ask, "Is Kamber here?" To my surprise the answer was YES! I took off running towards the crowd of kids yelling her name. Then out of the middle of the kids a beautiful blond haired girl came running at me with her arms open yelling MOMMY! She jumped in my arms and we both cried because we love each other so much. I knew it was but a moment but that some day it will be forever.

I miss my sweet girl

I miss my blond haired beauty. I don't feel depressed about it today nor do I feel that I am going to cry, I just miss her. I miss seeing her run around me in circles and hearing her talk. But today I feel I can endure the missing since I have to. I feel that she is near, not to far today. I know that she is happy and doing important work. Maybe since I feel her a little closer today, it is because she misses me too and she just wants to be near. Maybe she misses me picking her up and kissing her cheeks. Maybe she misses me telling her I love her and adoring her. Maybe it is missing me smile at her because of how happy she makes me and that makes her smile. A smile is a little harder to come by most days but I feel today I can even though I miss Kamber. I hope she can feel how much we all love her and can't wait to be with her again.

Kamber, we love and miss you sweet heart. I can feel you near, please know you make me happy!

Happy Birthday to Kamber's Daddy and my sweet Husband!

A sence of Normal or maybe Not

So I have heard so much of the book and movie Twilight. It seemed everyone was enthralled with the book right around the time Kamber died. I actually hadn't heard of it till just a few days after. I was asked by many people if I had read the book and even months after have been asked. To be honest my answer was always no. One because I hadn't read it and two because how could I even think of enjoying something at that particular time. My world was broken and reality had hit really hard. I often thought to myself how are so many people so consumed with this book about a vampire love story when there is so much more meaning to life. There are so many more productive things to do with our lives, like spend time with our kids. At the time this is all that consumed my thoughts and energy. I had just lost one of my precious children how could life even be going on? How could I ever enjoy anything again?

If I read a book it was to learn more about the gospel or life after death and wanted to know everything. I was a sponge willing to soak up anything that would help my heart not to hurt so bad. I wanted somehting to mend the pain, maybe even bring her back or wake me from the bad dream. Day in and day out I couldn't find what I was looking for everything seemed to fall short and still does to this day. But I will have to say that a new sense of normal is creeping back into our lives and I can find joy in some things.

After confrence yesterday I watched the movie Twilight to see what all the fuss was about. I was sucked in. Edward, need I say more? Not someone I would normally be intreged with by looks alone but as the movie played on I began to like this Edward. Something about those eyes and the desire he has for Bella, a desire that I think we all wish that our husbands have for us.

I have to say that Ethan is my Edward. One of the first things that I was drawn to were his eyes and the mysertious side to him. Just one time looking into his eyes I was hooked. I loved that there was a mysterious side to him, a little bit of a bad boy. And bad is probably the wrong word since he wasn't bad just fun and a little crazy. He made my heart melt and still has a way to do that for me now. Just as Bella said she wants to live with Edward forever, I am glad that I get to live with Ethan forever!

Needless to say I will be reading the books and I guess it is okay to enjoy some of what life has to offer.

Sissy's Song

Has anyone heard this song by Alan Jackson? This song is so beautiful! My sister told me about it a month ago but I didn't have time to listen to it and then it just fled my mind. Yesterday my sister in law Mindi called and told me I had to listen to a song, that I would love it. I had time to jump on the computer and pull it up. This was the song that struck straight to the heart.

This song talks about my grief and the beauty of passing on. A couple of lines that I really love say:
she flew up to heaven
on wings of angels
and she walks with Jesus

I truly believe that she flew up to heaven with angels. I know with out a doubt that family that has past on were their at her side. She was not alone, she was greeted with loved ones. I also know that she walks with Jesus. She is with him and how special is that! There is beauty behind loss but, sometimes that is really hard to see. Another verse says:
I know she is smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me.

I also know that is true. She is happy and surrounded by loved ones. Her journey here on earth is through and she has made it. I am happy for her even though I miss her terribly. I know that I will be with her again some day and that is what makes us truck on through the sadness.

The two verses that describe my grief are:
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for his love.
There is so much truth is those two verses. There are times my anger is shot straight at God and then I turn and ask or his love. The feelings of grief are so confusing and full of so much raw emotion. Loosing Kamber is the hardest thing I have ever been through and hope it is the hardest never to have to endure this again.

I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father and the tender mercies that he gives our family. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father that loves me and understands me. I am so thankful to know that my loved ones are watching over my sweet Kamber. I know my dad is enjoying having her with him. I am thankful for the special memories I have of Kamber and knowing that she is waiting for me and my family. That will be a WONDERFUL DAY!

The song is on my blog player, click to listen!

Breathing

My sweet Brookie was taken to the doctor yesterday because she was having a hard time breathing and I was sure that the ear infection that she had a week and a half ago was not gone. My good friend got me in at the doctor early and sure enough the ear infections were still there. She also was wheezing up a storm. It was so sad to watch her struggle to breath but through it all she still had a smile on her face. Brookie is such a sweet gentle little girl and always happy.

We did the first breathing treatment on her because her oxygen was low. Then we tested her oxygen level again and it had dropped even lower so the doctor decided we better to another treatment. This treatment lasted about 20 minutes. Brookie was so tired of having the medicine blowing in her face that she fought it for about the first 5 minutes. She then was so exhausted that she finally relaxed and went to sleep for the remainder of the treatment. This was also a sign that the treatment was working and that she could breath better. Her oxygen level was finally in the safe zone and after a hour and a half we could go home with prescriptions and doing breathing treatment every 3 hours.

I heard Brookie coughing in the night and went in to check on her. I touched her back and she was burning up. I picked her up and she was limp, hot and really struggling to breath. I immediately got her some Motrin, and started the breathing treatment. I was worried about her wondering if I should take her to the hospital. I called the on call doctor and decided that we would just watch her since she was on strong antibiotics and continue the breathing treatments. So many thoughts went through me head. I was so worried,a worry that no doctor could understand that doesn't know my situation. There is a new level of worries that occur after you already loose one child. We know that the reality of loosing another is a true reality. Children are taken even from good people and no matter how much you love your children. I held my baby Brookie and prayed to my Heavenly Father. I thanked him for all the blessings in my life and then asked him to help Brookie breath and get better. I told him that I have been having a hard time trusting him again and that I am not totally sure that he wouldn't take one of my children again. But if at some point that was to happen that he was going to have to help me because I can barely endure loosing Kamber. I told him that I love him even though at times I am scared but that I am trying to find my way back to full trust in him. Part of me was torn apart on july 25th, part of me was lost. I too just as Brookie am trying to breath each day.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and understands me. He doesn't judge me for how I feel. He knows I will make a full recovery but that it will take time. As long as I am always reaching out to him I will be okay.

Last night I made a bed on the ground in Brookie and Kambers room so I could hear Brookie breath at night. It didn't matter that the ground was hard I just wanted to be there. I laid listening to her breath remembering the memories of Kamber in that room and loving the memories that are developing with Brookie. There is so much happiness in our family with our sweet girls and I am grateful for each and everyone of them. Though Kamber is gone we can feel her love and presence and what a special blessing it is to have her watching over us.

Why My Mom Lies

Ask my Mom how she is

My mom, she tells a lot of lies

she never did before

but from now until she dies

she'll tell a whole lot more

Ask my mom how she is

and because she cannot explain

she will tell a little lie

Because she cannot describe the pain

Ask my mom how she is

She'll say 'I'm alright'

if that's the truth

then tell me why does she cry each night

Ask my mom how she is

she seems to cope so well

she didn't have a choice you see

Nor the strength to yell

Ask my mom how she is

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"

For God's sake mom just tell the truth

Just say your heart is broken

She'll love me all her life

I loved her all of mine

But if you ask her how she is

She'll lie and say I'm fine

I am here in heaven

I cannot hug from here

If she lies - don't listen

Hug her and hold her near

On the day we meet again

We'll smile and I'll be bold

I'll say your're lucky to get in here mom,

With all the lies you told.

Washing the Car

Yesterday I went out in the afternoon to wash my dirty car. It was long over due. I use to always take my car down to the car wash and just pay the $20 for some one else to do all the car work. I have a suburban so washing the car is not a fast easy task. These days this job has taken on new meaning and has become something that I enjoy doing.

This is my story behind washing my own car.

On the beautiful summer morning of July 25th my sweet daughter Kamber came and woke me up bright and early. That was okay with me because I had lots I needed to do before my husband and I left out of town late that afternoon. I never choose to wash my car myself but knowing that my mom was coming to stay at our house with the kids I knew she would probably like to use my car and it would be nice to use a clean car. Brookie was sleeping and Tayler and Kylie were watching cartoons. I knew I couldn't leave Kamber in the house to wonder because that would just be trouble waiting to happen. So I chose to take her out with me to wash the car. We got our bucket of soapy water and our towels to dry off the car. I started and Kamber found my keys and decided to dunk them in the bucket of water and with excitement in her voice yelled out "Lookie Mama I wash keys!" I wasn't to happy about it because I have a remote clicker on my keys and worried that it would ruin them. I took the keys from her and told her not to put them in the water again. As soon as I turned my back the keys were back in the water and I heard "Lookie Mama I wash keys!" I took them from her once again and said not to put the keys in the water. This time she waited a couple of minutes before I heard her again. This time I just didn't care, she was having fun. Then she came over and washed the part of the car I had already cleaned and rinsed off, but I didn't care. Then she drug my clean towels through the muddy water and on to the clean part of the car to help me dry but I didn't care. She was having fun and I was loving just spending time with her. She was a big helper and I loved spending that one on one time with her that day. There was something special and sweet about that day and her, something I noticed and enjoyed and the day seemed to revolve around her. It was wonderful. Little did I know Heavenly Father was planting one more memory for me to have of my sweet girl soon to be taken back to her heavenly home later that day.

We had many more things we did that day and memories her sisters will always remember. I am grateful for not letting time get in the way that day and just enjoyed my girls. I am grateful that I washed my car that day and this is why I continue to do so.

I enjoyed my time by myself yesterday washing my car remembering my sweet Kamber.

Hospitals and Peace?

I have spent a lot of time at Hospitals this week. I wasn't there for my self but for my husband. On Tuesday he had his gallbladder surgery. We were called in a hour and a half earlier than we were scheduled to check in but didn't have his surgery till an hour after his original surgery time. Needless to say I spent literally all day at the hospital. Ethan did really well during his surgery and we came home happy to see our beds. The girls had a wonderful time over and their cousins playing.

Things were going pretty good till last night. Ethan woke me up at 2:30 in the morning in a soaking wet sweat and doubled over in pain. He threw back and forth the idea of going to the E.R. and when the pain got worse that is where we were headed. My mom came out and stayed with the girls so I could go and be with Ethan. Thanks Mom. We spent 7 hours down at the E.R. and now are home. Yeah! Don't worry about Ethan he is doing much better and I am sure will continue to do so.

Here is the thing. We of course went to the closest Hospital to us because of how Ethan was feeling and that hospital happens to be where Kamber died. Yep, I drove the same route that we drove that sad day, walked through the same E.R and experienced the same smells of that horrible day. I definitely had anxiety. Deep breaths is what I kept telling myself. I think what might have been my saving grace is that they are remodeling the hospital so it did look a little different. I couldn't see the room where Kamber was and don't even know if that room is there anymore. I couldn't help but but have memories of that day running through my mind. But one thing that stuck out to me the most was within all the havoc and sadness of that day I remembered the peace I felt along with it. Though I was watching my daughter die and my world had been shattered there was a mild peace behind it all and what I can gather is that the peace is the knowledge that I will be with her again. Now, that doesn't take away the pain of loosing her. It doesn't take away the anger I feel from time to time. I doesn't mean I don't long to hold her and kiss her little cheeks, tell her I love you and hear her say it back. I doesn't take away all those things I miss or make life easier with out her. I still at times question what I really believe but it doesn't take long to turn that thinking around again.

So today I am thankful the remembrance of the peace behind the loss and the knowledge that I will be with Kamber again with my family as a full family unit never to be broken again.

Finding My Way

This life is so full of ups and downs. I find myself riding this roller coaster at a pretty fast pace. After a few weeks of pure sadness I am seeing some light today. I have had times that I have thought that I have accepted what has happened and then out of no where it is shot down. My anger seems to come and go. It has been more present here lately and I am constantly trying to move past those feelings. But at the same time I feel that it is only healthy to let myself just feel, feel all the emotions that grief has to give in hopes that some day I can heal. I am grateful for family and friends that allow me to express my feelings and try to understand. I am grateful for my angel friends that listen and allow a soft place to fall when ever it is needed. I am so thankful for a husband that lifts me up and is an example to me of what a true kind heart is. I am thankful for each one of my girls and their love they show me and others. There is nothing better than a family and I am so grateful for mine and that we are an eternal family. I love my angel child and I am grateful to feel her presence often. I am also grateful for my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me so that I can be with my family for eternity.

It Makes It Sooo Final... Kamber's Headstone

On Tuesday we got the call that Kamber's headstone had been set on Tuesday afternoon. Ethan and I couldn't wait to see how it turned out. We had know what we wanted and hoped it was as wonderful as we hoped it would be. So many emotions were running through my head. The day that we were told that the headstone was done I just broke down. It had been a while since I had cried that hard. I felt as if my body was going into convulsions. It made it all to real, to final. Why, Why, Why? I don't want this trial! Nobody should have to bury their child and try to pick out the perfect headstone because nothing will be ever good enough. Nothing will ever truly show how beautiful and wonderful she is and that the world was truly better with her in it! Oh, how hard this life can be.

So needless to say I was scared, scared of my emotions, scared of what I would see. Would I be okay with it or would it send me into a downward spiral that I try so hard not to get in to. I went and picked out some flowers. Daisies, that is what I wanted and they were perfect. White on the outside to represent how pure Kamber is and yellow on the inside and reflect how vibrant and full of life she is. And the daisy as a whole is beautiful to look at just like Kamber. As I approached the headstone with my family all gathered around and watching me as I walked up my heart was pumping. I walked up and laid flowers down and started at the beautiful headstone that represented my daughter that body lays there. It was beautiful, just how Ethan and I wanted it to look. Yes, it makes it real and seem so final but it is nice to have something for her. I am sad because that is the last thing that I can do for my little girl. I feel as though there is nothing else I can give her or do for her. My duty as her mom seems so empty and I long to do things for her. I love and miss her just as her daddy and sisters.


Our family around Kambers Headstone.

Ethan and I.

Buddies!

This is a picture of my Kylie bear and Kamber. Kylie got to spend the most time with Kamber since Kylie went to half day young learners last year. Kylie was the closest in age to Kamber and she loved to play with her. You usually would find Kamber if you found Kylie. Kylie's room was always a mess and Kylie would claim it was because of Kamber, which I am sure she did help to make the mess; but with Kamber gone Kylie's room really hasn't been that much cleaner!

Kylie seems to be struggling the most with the loss of Kamber and it breaks my heart. Today my husbands secretary who's name is Amber came to the house. I walked out to the garage to tell Ethan that Amber was here and Kylie was behind me and said " Mommy is Kamber's here?!" Her eyes lit up and she had a look of excitement on her face as if waiting for me to say "Yes! She is right here." Oh how I wish that could have been my response for her. My heart broke once again to have to say " no, not Kamber." I wonder if in the little head of Kylie's that she thinks that Kamber will some day walk through our door and things will be back to normal. Or maybe she holds on the the faith that she will some day see her again, Some day...

Which is the truth, One Day... One Wonderful Day We Will See Kamber Again!

As a Child

This weekend we went quad riding as a family with some friends. My girls love to explore and ride on the quads with daddy. It was fun to have a big group of us out for the day enjoying the nice weather. We went down to Sycamore Creek for our day of fun. I found a new love, my husbands Banshee that he has done some modifications to so it will go faster than it was made to run. I have always had a little fear of this quad since it was the one that Ethan and I were thrown off of when we were dating just before we got married.

I decided it would be fun if my friends and I went for a drive on the quads just ourselves. My friend Amy rode her quad that is an automatic hunting quad that can go over anything. My friend Valerie got our Raptor that is fast but not as scary as the Banshee and my husband chose the Banshee for me since I have a little more experience riding quads than my friends. I was scared to death but didn't want anyone to know. I hopped on the quad and started it up and drove as safe as I could down to the open area of the creek. My friends came down and took off leaving me in their dust. My competitive side kicked in and thought "Oh no you didn't." I threw that quad into first gear and peeled out. It scared me at first to feel the power and it went faster than I was ready for it to go but then something inside me loved it. First, second, third, top of third okay maybe that was fast enough since I didn't know the trail all that well. As the day went on I rode that quad as much as I could. I found myself as a child again. I found water and splashed through it and couldn't seem to get enough of it. Normally I wouldn't want to get wet from head to toe but I didn't care that day. We had so much fun. My girls were playing together with their friends and they were so happy. I found myself thinking of Kamber and the fun she would have had. She had a love or life I have never seen before. I found myself feeling some of the spirit that she had. It didn't matter how dirty we got, we were having fun and enjoying each other.

After days of being depressed and sad I needed a weekend to just enjoy my family and friends and just let loose. It is amazing how fun life can be through the eyes of a child.

Brighter Days, Till...

The past couple of days have been brighter! I look forward to days that I can get out of bed and do my daily routine and feel some sort of hope. Today was one of those days till... I was going through one of my cupboards and saw the container that I have a piece of Kamber's hair in. At the hospital I braided a piece of Kamber's beautiful blond hair and cut off a piece to have. I don't touch it all that often because it is the only tangible thing that is truly her. I can still smell her in her hair but it is mostly the way she smelt that last day I saw her alive and then held her lifeless body in my arms.

Today seeing and holding her hair triggered something in me. I held it tight and then put it down telling Heavenly Father that "Today I am Angry. " "I am angry that Kamber had to go!" I could feel the anger throughout my body and then I could feel my body slump over. Why, Why do I feel this way? Why do I have to endure? I don't want just memories of my sweet daughter, I want her here. I MISS HER.

I understand the plan but yet I don't. I love the memories but yet I don't. I want time to fly by but yet I don't. This road I travel is lonely and ugly. I miss my sweet little girl.

I send love and hugs to all those who have lost a child. The pain is great but in the end our pain is promised the be reciprocated one hundred fold.

Accepting

Do you ever get to the point in grief that you actually accept the loss? I have felt that lately I have done pretty good. I felt that I have been accepting that Kamber is gone and looking forward to the day that I get to see her again. Just when you think that all is okay a wave comes and takes you down. I woke up this morning feeling sick but not because I am physically sick right now but that emotionally, spiritually, mentally sick feeling. The longing to see Kamber this morning. It was horrible waking up and knowing I can't just walk into her room and see her. Why does this have to linger every day. This is not a battle I want to trudge through, some day s I want to just give up and not get out of bed. Do I really have to face this reality day after day? The answer is always, YES.

It is so exhausting to feel okay some days and then angry other days. It is not mind over matter, it is what it is and it is HARD. I do know that I will be with Kamber again and I know that she does come around us and those times are wonderful. But I am human and it is hard not to have her physically here. Time goes on and this day will soon pass and hopefully tomorrow will bring happier feelings.

The Pieces of my Heart

It is amazing when enduring hard trials there is growth as a person during those times. I have always considered myself a spiritually strong person with a close relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My faith has been tested from time to time but nothing like the here and now. When Kamber first died I don't think I had ever been more close to my Heavenly Father or my family. I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost like I have never flet before. I felt strong and knew my little girl was being taken care of. After the first couple of weeks the reality started to set in. I realized that Kamber had really died and that I was not waking up from the bad dream, IT WAS MY REALITY. My heart, testimony, and every thing I knew about was shattered into a million pieces. I found myself looking at the pieces that at one time formed what I thought was me and didn't recognize them at all. How could this have happen to my family? My world was spinning. Little by little I have tried to pick up the pieces and I think it is going to take a life time to put them back together. Each piece I am finding is different now, the peices don't look the same and sometimes don't fit the mold so I lay them back down and search for another one. Time doesn't seem to heal, it just takes life in to different feelings and meanings. My testimony has grown and other times I wonder what I truly believe. I always seem to find my way back to the teachings of the gospel and how grateful I am for it. It doesn't take the pain away but it is nice to have it to cling to especially through this sort of trial.

Since Kamber's passing we have had an outflow of people reaching out to us. We had never know the true amount of friends or have never been ones to so freely talk about our beliefs and share our testimony. Ethan and I have had many people ask us about the gospel and it has been great to share it with others. There is always a special spirit when we talk of our testimony of eternal families. We don't only believe that we will see Kamber again but that we will be together as a family unit as we are now. I will still be married to the love of my life and my girls will still be sisters and we will enjoy each other as we do now. That is one of the greatest gifts that Heavenly Father has given us!

I won't ever be grateful for the trial of Kamber dieing but I feel I can be grateful for the things I learn along the path of making my way back to my Heavenly Father. Some days I can't see any good and could care less for things learned and the happiness of other families. But there are many times I can see the sweetness of my Fathers love for me and my family. I see the special spirit that Kamber is and how grateful we are to have her in our family. We did something right for Heavenly Father to trust us with one of his most righteous children and I would endure all this pain over again to have Kamber in our lives and waiting for me when I die, that will be a wonderful day! For now I try to enjoy every minute with my family and pick up the peices to my heart very slowly. I want to make every piece one to remember.

1st Birthday in Heaven

I want to start off by thanking every one that brought over flowers, gifts, cards and took time to say hi and call on the phone to wish Kamber a Happy Birthday. The show of Love and support to our family was amazing. I woke up in the morning to purple balloons on my home and down the neighborhood streets and homes. It was so fun to see all the purple and then a sign was put in our lawn that said " We Love U Larsens!" I was fun to see how much people really did care for us and remembered our sweet Kamber. I spent most the morning answering the phone or answering the door to beautiful flowers for Kamber. My home smells so good thanks to the flowers delivered. I received beautiful gifts that were heart felt and had beautiful meaning behind them that I will keep forever. Thank you to all who had kind words and came to celebrate Kambers Birthday!


Here are some pictures of her big day.

Here was are standing in front of Kambers grave.

The sign in our yard.

Here is Kambers grave decorated with purple flowers, pinwheels, and birthday balloons!

This is the balloon release. We had 45 balloons in purple and pink. There was one white balloon that was Kambers angel balloon. We had little papers tied to the balloon with special messages for Kamber.

Kambers Birthday cake, Tayler and Kylie had the honors of blowing out Kambers candle.

This is a blanket with Kambers picture on it. This blanket is beautiful! Shasta found a way for me to give Kamber hugs any time I want!

Kamber's Birthday!

Happy Birthday Kamber! She would be 3 yrs. old today. We are so happy to have had Kamber in our life for her short time on earth. We know she is with us today and can see all that we are doing to remember her.

We love you sweetheart and hope you have a Happy Birthday!

Scroll down to see some of our favorite pics. of Kamber.


Last Family picture.

Proud big sister. She loved Brookie!

Easter this year.

Turning 2 yrs.

Kamber's 2nd Birthday Party! She was so cute.

Kamber loved to smile like this to make us laugh.

Our snow trip on Kamber's 2nd Birthday. She loved the snow!

Kamber was more interested in the bow from her presents than her gifts.

Kamber's 1st Birthday! We had heart balloons and pink cupcakes. Kamber loved eating her first cupcake.

Best Friends!

Proud Daddy and big sisters!

Kamber was born February 10, 2006. We were so happy to have another cute little girl!