One of My Favorites!

My mother-in law had this picture of Kamber on her blog today. I saw it and smiled, but had a little ping in my heart. Oh, how much I love and miss this sweet little girl. I had to post the picture because it is one of my favorites! I love you Kamber! :)

Winter Boutique/Kamber's Kaskets

The Winter Boutique and Kamber's charity was yesterday. It was a cold rainy day, but the show must go on. Actually I really enjoyed the weather and rain, I just wish it didn't rain as much as it did. It put a little damper on the fact that the boutique was outside. I was amazed at the amount of people that came out despite of the weather. We raised very little money, but it was fun none the less.

I was surprised how emotional I was. I should have know the emotions were coming, since I kept myself extremely busy last week. I had one focus and my mind wouldn't deviate from it. That is usually how I get before the water works start. I had my sister change my hair color to a dark brown and when it turned out darker than I anticipated, it put me on edge. (This is another sign that I am hiding from my emotions, I try to change myself on the outside in hopes to make me feel good on the inside. I am sure my sister and sister in law are ready to beat me.) Anyways, that night I cried because I felt I didn't look like Kamber's mom anymore and how out of wack my life still is even a year after my daughters death. I didn't cry at the boutique, it wasn't a safe place for my emotions, but they were right at the surface, till my friends and family came. They were my saving grace.

My new hair do!

My friend Crystal that was putting on the boutique was put into the hospital last Sunday. She is pregnant and not due till January, but she went into active labor and none of the medications any of the doctors were giving her were stopping the labor, so she was admitted. Crystal has been my friend since 9th grade. We have always been pretty much tied at the hip. I knew that her going into labor so early was very dangerous for her baby and I did not want our charity to benefit one of my friends. Crystal is doing much better and will more than likely be able to go home on Tuesday, but she will have to stay down.

Here is a picture of Crystal and her husband a year ago.

Needless to say... the boutique went on and very well given the circumstances. I cried Friday night and fought back all my emotions on Saturday till my family and friends arrived. Thank goodness for family and friends, what would be do without them in our lives?

Our Kamber table looked so pretty and I was so impressed with everyone else at the boutique. There are some seriously talented women. I just wish one of them was me. :)

Here are some pictures at the boutique!

Thanks to all that participated.

Kamber Larsen

( To read her story, double click to enlarge.)

This weekend is the boutique that is going to help raise money for Kamber's charity. Ethan has already started making caskets from wood that we already have in the garage. I have to say that these little caskets are looking beautiful. That is kind of sad to say when you are talking about a casket that a little child will have to be laid to rest in. It is the inevitable, children do die. I am just so grateful to be able to help others out. Hopefully those that will have to use our caskets will really know that each one is made with sincere love.

After going through this trail it has brought out a love that I never knew existed. It is a pure love for others, especially for those who have to suffer. I would do anything to be able to save families from ever having to go through this same trial in life. I wish I could protect every one. I wish I could have protected my girls from this, but that isn't how our life was meant to be. Now it is up to Ethan and I to stand up and teach our girls how to endure. I hope we can be an example of how to love others, especially those in need.

Thanks Crystal and Melissa for your love and help!

We Use To Have Four...

I went to Kohl's tonight to get some things and took my wild girls. Actually they were pretty good for me. They all got a long with each other and I love hearing them laugh and play together. As we were checking out the cute girl at the register made the comment that we have 3 girls and how cute they were. I just said thanks and smiled. Before I knew it Kylie blurts out "We used to have four." It didn't bother me that she said that because that is usually her response, but tonight it went even farther. The young girl was taken back by Kylie's response and in a questioning voice said " Use to have four?" Well, you question Kylie and she will give you her story. " Yes, we use to have four but she died. Kamber jumped into the deep end of the pool and drown. Actually it was our spa but, we don't really cry anymore. We use to cry a lot when it first happened. Tayler and I kept wondering when she drowned if Kamber was dead and she was but it is okay now." As Kylie was telling her story I could feel the vice tightening around my heart. I couldn't bring myself to look at the girls face. I'm sure she felt horrible. Her response was "Sorry, that was a bad question." I just told her it was okay and that we are use to the question. A question that I feel will be answered that way for years to come.

Are You Up For It ?!

The Turkey Trot is coming soon! This year I find myself not as motivated to train for it, but I am still planning on doing it this year. I am going to do shirts again this year and I am trying to think of a different design or even a picture for the shirts. Please let me know if you are up for it this year and if you would like a shirt. The price on a shirt may be a little more than last year depending on the design. Hope to see you this year running for Kamber!

Charity: Kamber's Kaskets

Kamber's casket...

Ethan and I have been thinking for a long time of something we could do to give back. Kamber's life was beautiful. She helped bring love and happiness to everyone she met during this life. Now almost a year and a half after her death I have heard over and over again how Kamber has continued to bring happiness, love, and meaning to families lives. She is a beautiful angel that continues to give and influence others lives for the better. We have been impressed to start a charity to help those who may have to experience the tragedy of loosing a child.

We have decided to start Kamber's Kaskets.

Kamber died suddenly in a drowning accident in July 08'. It has been very hard to accept that Kamber was with us only minutes before, happy and healthy and next, her life had been taken. Seeing your child lifeless is horrible and then having to pick out a casket and plan the funeral is also horrific. Ethan decided the next morning after she died that he was going to build her casket. He wanted it to be extra special and made with love. When we went to plan the funeral we were sadly disappointed in the options families had to bury their children. On August 1, 2008 we buried Kamber in the casket made by her daddy filled with forever love.

We will be making child caskets for those who have lost a child in a tragic accident. These caskets will be donated through the mortuaries after hearing of special stories. Since this will be a charity the caskets will be made through donations only. Therefore we do not have the resources to make caskets for just any situation. Any death of a child is tragic and we wish we could help everyone.

Our first charity function will be at the Winter Boutique Nov. 14th, 9-3pm.

October 21, Happy Anniversary!

On Wednesday was mine and Ethan's 9th Anniversary! I can't believe it, we have been married for 9 years. If truth be told, I feel like it has flown by. In my mind I still feel like a newly wed. The past 9 years has been filled with its ups and downs, happy and sad. So much has changed within our little family. We have been so blessed and I am continually thankful to my Heavenly Father for that. I am married to the best man for me!

One of the things that drew me to Ethan when we were dating other than his smokin' hot body and awesome eyes was that he always made me laugh. Many times we would laugh so hard that our mouths would hurt. It didn't matter what kind of day I was having, he could always make me happy. Nine years later he still does that for me. I am grateful to have him in my life every single day, and he continues to make me happy. My life, I can say is a happy one and one of the main reasons it is that way is because of Ethan. I love You Honey!

Oh, If Life Were Easy

Well I think I have made it out of my zombie state, at least that is what I call it. It has taken me 15 months to really realize, I mean every cell in my body to realize that Kamber has really died. Before I of course knew it, but there was still a big part of me hoping it was just a dream that I would eventually wake up from. On the outside I could put on a pretty good show of making things look like I was okay. I smiled when I needed to smile, did the things that I needed to do, and continued with life. All the while feeling absolutely dead inside. No emotion, just so lost.

Oh , if life were easy, that is what would bring true joy, at least that is what I thought. Maybe you have thought that also? When the storm is coming down on us we plead for an easier life, at least I do. I am finally realizing that going through hard things makes us really know what pure joy is. If life were easy we wouldn't know the good from bad. If everything went perfect then how would we really know what happiness was? Through our trials we learn what hell is like and search with every being in our bodies to find the happiness and joy in life. I find we spend this life searching for happiness and there are many times that we get to learn and feel it. It just shows that we are truly sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. He is pure love and joy. We are here learning to be more like him and we want to be with him again. We want that pure love and joy. If life were easy then we wouldn't know where to find happiness and it wouldn't be our ultimate goal for eternal life.

Our Body is a Temple

Lots of things have been going on this week. I have had such intense feelings and emotions that I am trying to work through. I have spent a lot of time looking back on the week of Kamber's death and seen the horrible memories and the most spiritual memories that I can never deny.

I have also found out this week that a friend in my wards baby had died. I was hard to get a hold of since we have changed our phone number and the Relief Society President is the only one who has my new number. I guess they didn't think to ask her or maybe people thought it would hit to close to home for us. Which is true... I felt like I had been punched in the gut when I found out. My friends baby had been born with serious complications and there was always a chance of death, but he was doing well jumping over the hurdles. Last I had heard things were looking good, but that all changed in the matter of a day.

I now grieve along with my friend. Each day that she has endured I remember as clear as yesterday those same days and nights for us. NO family should ever have to endure this. It is what I know hell to be. At the same time there are many times you know heaven is so close, you can feel it, it is almost tangible.

We spoke about how much of a clear understanding you get when your child dies, that we really aren't our bodies. Our selves are our spirits. Our bodies are just the temples that our spirits dwell in for our time here in earth. It is so evident the first time you hold your child after they have passed. You can feel their spirit all around you. You are enveloped in them and their love, but you do not feel them in their body, they are separate. You want to hold them and you cherish that time because that precious body is what you took care of. Their body is what you held close to your body, their body is what you touched and what let you know that they are real, it is what made them yours. They are made of your flesh and blood. Our body is our temple, our temple for our beautiful spirits to dwell while we come to this earth and are loved.

My heart aches today knowing my friend will bury her baby, that sweet little body that she has loved and as I did with my sweet little girl a year ago. This is what is wonderful, their spirits live on forever and we can feel them near and know it is truly them and that one day we really will be together again.

Busy

Well, we all made it through what I think was the flu. It hit every member in our family. Thank goodness it is over because this week was busy. I did hair a couple times this week, had appointments to go to, mutual to teach, and shopping to do. We were going to go to Flagstaff this weekend with some friends, but that didn't work out. Thank goodness or I would have been pulling my hair out!

Hopefully I can relax a little this weekend and take in some encouragement and the spirit from Conference this weekend. That way I can be refreshed and ready for another busy week and months ahead.

Sick Family

Sick kids sick kids every where
Let me tell you "I do care. "

Two of us in our family
and scary to think it might be three.

Brookie and Kylie that is who,
but I'm starting to think it
might be me or Tay Tay too.

Sick kids sick kids every where.
All I can say is I do care.

Up all night and crying too
I wish I could take a snooze.


Okay, I know that was totally cheesy, but it was fun.

Happy Birthday Kylie Bear!

Today is Kylie's Birthday! She turns 7 years old today. I can't believe that she is that old, time is flying by. I remember when she was born and I was wondering how I was going to handle two little girls. Tayler and Kylie are 16 months apart, so it was almost like having twins. Kylie was such an easy baby so it made it easy to have her and Tayler so close together.

Kylie is still a joy to have and fairly easy going too. Kylie is our little comedian. She says some of the funniest things. Sometimes it is her brutal honesty that is so hilarious, only when it is not about you. She is so innocent and at the same time so feisty. We all love our Kylie Bear!

Yesterday we celebrated her Birthday with the family and a few of our close friends that feel like they are a part of our family. The kids had a fun time doing the gigantic slip and slide that Ethan made. Since our yard slopes down it was a little like they were sliding down a small hill. They had fun splish splashing around and of course opening presents and eating birthday cake!

Here are some pictures of the kids doing the slip and slide. Kylie is in the blue and white swim suit.

Here is Kylie opening her presents and blowing our her cake.

Love You Kylie!

F.H.E.

Okay I am going to admit something that I need to work better at... Family Home Evening. Yes, guilty as charged, I do not have regular Monday Family Nights. Actually it depends on what you think defines Family Night. We are always together as a Family on Monday Nights. We usually do something together like, swimming, grocery shopping (yeah!) or just hanging out. If you define Family Night as having a lesson each time well then I fall short. There, I admitted it. Nobodies perfect, right?

Anyways... during Sacrament meeting this Sunday my family wasn't very reverent. My girls were arguing and Kylie's idea of talking quietly is keeping it to a dull roar. I think the whole ward heard that she had to go potty, then she needed a drink and asked how many minutes are left till they can go to primary. I was so frustrated by the end of sacrament meeting that it gave me inspiration for a great family night lesson.

Therefore last night we had our lesson on the importance of Sundays and how we act on that day. Don't get me wrong my girls are really pretty good. They don't get out of control too often and I just wanted to remind them how to be reverent and why we act this way on Sundays.

My girls were actually excited for the lesson and were anxious to answer the questions and listen to the scriptures that daddy read. I think the lesson made them think more of how they act. Even though it was a good lesson I could tell the adversary trys to make doing good so much harder than normal. Brookie was totally out of control during the lesson pulling the girls hair, the evening was a little more hectic than it needed to be, but it all slowly subsided. We were happier together as a family. We even went into Ethan's office and listened to music together as the girls danced.

I love my family and I am so thankful for them. I am going to try harder to have a lesson on Family Nights. It probably won't happen every Monday Night but it is definitely something I am going to try harder on. One Step At a Time.

On a Lighter Note

You have to endure the bitter to enjoy the sweet, right? It is so true. Here is my sweet... Eager Arizona during Labor Day! Eager is one of our favorite places to go especially when we need a quick get away. Ethan's grandparents have a cabin there and they are so kind to let us use it. We love taking the quads up and enjoy the nice weather! We went with so friends, but I now realize I don't have any pictures of them. So here is our family.

It's been A While

My mother in law pointed out that it has been a while since I have posted on my blog. Yeah I guess it has been about a week. She asked me why I haven't and I found myself saying "I have nothing to say." True, I am more distant than I have been in the past. I have a lot on my mind and same with my husband. We have been keeping to ourselves mostly spending time with just our family. It is still a constant reminder that Kamber is no longer with us. Brookie is growing up so fast and is starting to do things just like Kamber did. Sometimes it makes me happy and other times it makes me sad. Tayler and Kylie are getting so big also. I miss when they were younger but happy for the kind of girls they are turning out to be. I always find myself yearning to know what Kamber would be like now. How would it be with our whole family here now.

I guess I am jealous of everyone who still have all their children. Daily tasks are done, decisions are made and at the end of the day families are gathered together. My decisions are now done with a little fear and a ping in my heart knowing decisions can change lives no matter how little they are.

I am still learning how to trust and be patient because at the end of this life my family will be gathered together a solid family unit reuniting with the one we have longed to be with our entire lives!

Easier but Harder

Since Kamber has past away life has been so much harder in a lot of ways but sad to say some things are easier. I remember after she had past someone said to me your life now is going to be a little bit easier, in some ways. At that time I could not even comprehend that. Life to me was harder than it had ever been and I felt for sure that it would be that way forever.

A little over a year has past and yes that statement made to me in those first days has rung true in some ways. For instance going to do things away from home is always easier with one child as apposed to two children. Hummm, other than that I don't think life is any easier.

So as I go today to get some things done away from home I think of Kamber and what it would be like with her here. I see moms with a couple of kids out doing their shopping and I smile at how sweet and what would have been for myself. Life, I am sure would be crazy but I know now that crazy is worth every minute.

Brave Little Soul-Kamber

A sweet reader/friend sent me this story. It touched her heart as it did mine. Thanks so much Brooke!

The Brave Little Soul

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little Soul, do not be sad, for the suffering unlocks the love in peoples hearts." The Little Soul was confused. "What do you mean?" she asked. God replied, " Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.

"The Little Soul began to understand and listen attentively as God continued, " The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this-it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer-to unlock this love-to create this miracle-for the good of all humanity."Just then the Little Soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the Little Soul excitedly replied, " I am brave; let me go ! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!

"God smiled and said, "You are a brave Soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."

God and the Brave Little Soul shared a smile and then embraced. In parting, God said,"Do not forget Little Soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will so through My strength, And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."

Thus at that moment the Brave Little Soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and Gods strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in peoples hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys-some regained lost faith-many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and Love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The Miracle happened. God was pleased.

I will...Kamber

I will... Miss you for now.

I will...Remember you always.

I will... Love you Forever.

I will... Be with you for Eternity!

Brunch with some of Earth's Angels

Yesterday I went to brunch with some of my friends. These are women I may have never met or got to know any better had Kamber not passed away. All of these friends have lost a child. Every one has a different story and different experiences with their loss, but yet so many feelings are sooo similar. I enjoy talking, laughing, and sometimes crying with these women. When tears come to our eyes it is nice to be with those that truly understand. We don't even have to say anything, but we can feel the love for each other. I feel a special bond to each of these women and their sweet families, especially their angel children; all of who I have never personally met. Sad to say that our Arizona group of women that belong to the angel blog is growing way to fast. Since about 10 months ago our angel blog has grown from 3 to 95 children. 95 in 10 months. Can you believe that? That number includes people from mostly Utah and Arizona, but many do come from around the states. And that is just the people we are told of and that want to be a part of the blog. This number doesn't include miscarriages or stillborns. I know families are losing children every day, I know it happens more often than we realize.

I am just grateful that I have these friends in my life. I wish I could have known these women through another means, but feel thankful that I have them to travel this road with.

Thank you girls for a nice brunch yesterday, love ya!

I also would be unappreciative if I didn't mention my readers. Thank you so much for remembering my Kamber and helping to lift me up when I am down. :) Heavenly Father truly knows that I need you. Thanks to all my blogging friends!!!

One Of Those Days, Searching For That Rainbow

I woke up this morning feeling the need to run, escape, an adrenaline rush. I was confused, where is this feeling coming from? Now that a couple of hours have passed I recognize the feeling. It's a sad low feeling. Dang it I was doing so good. It has been quite a while since I have felt this. I miss my angel girl...

I have been trying to figure out what has brought it on. Maybe it is the fact that another sweet angel has passed away last week. I know the feeling that the mother is going through and it makes me terribly sad. Maybe the feeling is brought on because a sweet friend of mine is approaching the one year mark of her child's passing and I know the sad feeling of that also. Or maybe the reason is because I have since realized that to many of my friends have lost a child and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone and that makes me sad. Maybe it is the fact that I just miss my Kamber and it has been a while since I have just let myself just feel the pain.

I should be at church right now but I sit here disappointed with myself that once again I didn't get my family ready in time. We will go to the rest of church but what is my deal? Why did I need that little bit of extra sleep, or so I thought I did. I wish I could push myself harder to dig in deep, deeper than I have.

Today I am searching extra hard for that Rainbow. I know it is there but sometimes it doesn't show up till there is a little bit of rain. Maybe I will allow the rain to pour so the sun can shine again and the rainbow can lighten my day!

Look for the Rainbows

Here lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. Now after our one year mark of Kamber's passing I have been thinking a lot of what I have learned over the past year. Somethings I feel I have blossomed in more than I ever would have not given this trial and other things are taking me some time to figure out.



I do not feel whole yet nor can I say that I truly know who I am. My world is still shattered but there are a few pieces that have found a way to mold together. I still struggle and get depressed, angry, alone, and left in despair but I also have times that I am happy, joyful, grateful, compassionate, sympathetic, and feel totally blessed. Did you notice my positives out weighed my negatives, yes there comes a time that it can happen.



Our life as we have known it has changed dramatically over the the past year. There was a time in my life that I could honestly say that things were pretty dang close to perfect. We had four beautiful daughters, a beautiful home, lots of friends, and business was pretty dang good and we were able to enjoy what it had to offer. It is amazing that in one years time that it can change so dramatically. We have lost one of our beautiful daughters for our time here on earth, we still have a home but doesn't seem a beautiful to me anymore, friends don't know what to say to me anymore, and business is not as good as it was before.



Everyone has trials that are hard for them. Sometimes I wonder if it is ever going to let up. It always does at sometime. Trials change who we are. I am not the same person I was a year ago, but feel that in some way I have change more for the better. One thing that I have noticed the most is Family Is Everything. I use to enjoy having really nice things. The value of things have dramatically changed for me. I am more grateful for the things that I do have. I cherish them and feel blessed to have what I have and this pertains to everything in my life. I am more grateful to my Heavenly Father than I think I have ever been. He has taken one of the most special people in my life yet somehow I find myself thankful for blessings in my life. There were times last year that I never thought I would ever feel this way. My husband and I find ourselves saying that we would give up everything to have Kamber back. We would live in a cardboard box if we had to. Our perspectives have changed.



I use to worry about everything that wasn't going right in my life. It would really stress me out but, now I know it is not worth worrying about as long as I have my family. Things are going to happen in life that we don't like or want to happen but I have learned as long as we hold on to what we believe and cling to our families we can make it through the storms. We have every right to be upset during the hard times but as long as we don't let those feelings linger and always strive to look to the positive we will endure the storm and soon it will pass making us better.

The storm hasn't yet passed for us and there may always be a cloud over our heads but we are trying to always look for rainbows!

Seriously thinking of going PRIVATE!!

I got an email from one of my friends about another one of my friends that was very disturbing.
She has sitemeter on her website and had discovered her children's pictures on a pornographic website.

This is what she wrote:

I have SITE METER attached to my blog spot but unfortunately I have been really bad about checking it for unusual visiting sites this past year. To be honest, I have always been very trusting and thought that I could never be the one whom wackos actually target and stalk so I rarely have made efforts to check. Tonight I chose to click into it and directly on the first page I noticed an unusual website that had viewed my blog. Curiously, I clicked onto it to see what it was. The site contained dozens and dozens of images. I began looking closer at them and come to find out there were some VERY inappropriate pictures. I clicked out of the site immediately and sat there talking to Brett about my concerns. We both became VERY worried. The more I sat there, THE MORE SICK TO MY STOMACH I WAS. IF THIS PAGE HAD DIRECT AFFILIATION TO MY BLOG, THEN THAT MEANS THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE THAT THEY HAVE A PICTURE OF MY KIDS OR FAMILY ON THAT PAGE.

With out hesitation, I went right back to that page. I was so scared of what I was going to find. There were hundreds of pictures on that page and I looked through each one very quickly but efficiently when all of a sudden I FOUND A PICTURE OF MY SWEET TAYLIN. Yes, a picture of my sweet Taylin on the same page as pornographic AND child perverted pictures. I then returned BACK to my site meter to look for other sites in direct affiliation with my blog. I found a different website that had come to my page 5 TIMES THAT INCLUDED A PICTURE OF RIDGE WITH HIS LITTLE BUNS SHOWING AS HE WAS SITTING ON THE TABLE DOING DISHES. I'm just sick right now. My sweet innocent children so exposed. I FEEL SO VIOLATED AND SCARED.

I immediately googled the website BING to find out more about what it is. I then went to WWW.VOICEFORTHECHILDREN.BLOGSPOT.COM to see if I could find anything. Here is an explanation of what this website is. BING:BING is a recent search engine launched by Microsoft. The major problem with Bing is that it has brought pornography directly into your home or office. Porn is no longer a few clicks away.When you search on Bing, you no longer have to click to go to a different website to view porn. All you have to do is roll over the thumbnail image of the video on the video will begin to play snippets of the pornographic video.Imagine the harmful effects if a child is searching on Bing and merely rolls over the image and instantly the child is watching a porn video.This is completely unacceptable and irresponsible of Microsoft to launch a program such as this without a solution to block pornographic videos.

DO NOT USE BING AND ESPECIALLY DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN SEARCH ON BING!!*Do yourselves a favor and add VOICEFORTHECHILDREN to your blog. My uncle, Jeremy Geigle, is President of Arizona Family Council and between him and a few other family members, they are SO diligent about keeping this blog up to date. They want nothing more than to educate all of us on how we can keep our families safe and protected from the pornographic world. As ruthless as it is, I hope I DID scare a lot of you.

We stay so sheltered and ignorant thinking it will never happen to us...but let me tell you people, CHILD PORNOGRAPHY IS EVERYWHERE.

Let me remind everyone too that Phoenix now is the #1 kidnapping capital in America.*

If you have kids old enough to play games on the computer, I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend that you download this web protection site to your computer. We have had it all year long, until our computer broke. We recently got our computer back and I forgot to re-download this protection, WHICH IS WHY I COULD EVEN ACCESS THAT BING WEBSITE WITH THOSE IMAGES.

I PROMISE you, having this K9 WEB PROTECTION is the BEST way as of right now, to protect your kids from seeing anything pornographic or inappropriate on the computer. Pornography is so available that even if your baby started slamming down on keys, a porn website could pop it. Any porn sites, sites with questionable images, swim suit sites, facebook, youtube, and other social networking sites are ALL BLOCKED. It is VERY FILTERED. HOWEVER, you will have an ACCESS password that will allow you (as the adult) to type in a password that will allow you to enter into a site you want available to you. You will have to type in the password every time you want to enter the site. (it's one extra step that is worth the 2 seconds).

I love knowing that I can walk out of the room now with my kids playing on the computer and I have NO concerns that something will pop up.

More pics from Powell!

Tayler absolutely loved the water! This is a shallow swimming area right next to our house boat. In this pic. you can really see how clear the water is at Powell.

Brookie loved to splash in the water. This a a big rock in the water that extended out a few feet to make the perfect baby pool.

We had lots of fun toys to play with. Brookie loved to fill this bucket up with water and dump it out.

Here is the girls swimming again. All Day Lonnnngggg!

Kylie always took time to play with Brookie, but she would get frustrated when Brookie would ruin her work of art.

Glimmer of Hope and Joy Through the Darkness

Gunnar's 1st Birthday! August 1,2009

This cute little boy is one of my nephews. He holds a special place in the hearts of each person in the Larsen Family. This little boy was born on a very special day... a day that the families heart was broken, but he brought a glimmer of hope and joy.

Here is his story...

July 25 th 2008 Kamber had drown in our pool. Hearts were broken, testimonies were tested, and tons and tons of tears were shed for our sweet Kamber girl. My brother-in-law Spencer was in Colorado for his first day of training camp for the Denver Broncos when the devastating news of Kamber was relayed by his wife Annie who was still in Arizona waiting for the birth of her baby. Annie had about a month before Gunnar was to be born. Spencer was able to come down for a day to be with the family during this trying time. All the family rallied together and helped me out a ton. Annie came over every day with her little boy Tyton to help make sure things were getting done at my home. I know this was not easy for her being the last month of her pregnancy, but there she was day after day supporting us. Spencer had to head back to Colorado to finish training camp, but little did we know we would be seeing him sooner than we all expected.

The whole week of the 25th were spent planning Kamber's funeral and of course extremely emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. The night of Kambers viewing Annie had said that she was having some contractions but I had no clue how strong they really were. Annie did a good job hiding it from me, which she says she wanted this time to be all about Kamber. The next day, Friday August 1st was Kamber's funeral. I have to say that I was so busy worrying about this day and being so emotional that I hardly even remember the people that spoke to me or even attended the funeral, it was such a blur. But I do remember that the chapel to our church was packed. All in support of our family and sweet Kamber. Little to my knowledge Annie was in the lobby listening to the funeral while having intense contractions. As we all went to the cemetery Annie was headed to the hospital. Later I found out that Annie was admitted to the hospital and that little Gunnar was going to be born soon. Ethan and I went home exhausted and fell asleep. That day I had a sweet experience and knew when Gunnar was born before we even got the phone call minutes after his birth. We were again heading to a hospital sooner than I had ever hoped that I would have to, but there was peace. Through our darkest moment, joy was found in this new baby boy. It turned into a beautiful day, a day of peace and a glimmer of hope and joy. Spencer came down to be with his family and he and Annie decided to name their new little boy after Kamber. They named him Gunnar Kamb Larsen. One sweet innocent child had left this earth and another had entered. Just one of the tender mercies given to our family during the hardest time in our lives.

Enjoying the water

This is what we did most every day. I love getting to watch Ethan play with the girls. He is such a good daddy!


Two peas in a pod. Brookie adores her daddy.

Before we went on the trip Brookie was scared to death of this dog. After the first night she loved him. Brookie actually learned the word soft because she wanted to pet him, which was practically beating him. "Soft Brookie...Soft."

Tayler and Kylie were little fish. They swam all day long. Even if they were wanting a snack they couldn't enjoy it unless they were in the water. Suckers and lake water...Yummmy!

First night in Powell

This is first night at our camp site. We all were sitting on top of the house boat enjoying the beautiful weather!

Here is Brookie climbing up were the girls were sitting. She followed her sister all around. Brookie is wearing her Kamber shirt in memory of her. This was a very peaceful night with thoughts and memories of our angel girl.

MMMAAHH! This is the sound Brookie makes when she is blowing kisses... Something we love to have her do. She is such a funny girl and reminds us so much of Kamber with her expressions. I love getting to see little glimpses of Kamber through our Brookie, it reminds us that she is near.

One Year Ago

Like I mentioned in my last post, we went to Lake Powell on July 25th, marking one year since we lost Kamber. It was the right choice for us. It helped break up the day and focus on brighter days to come. We stopped by the cemetery on our way out of town to see Kamber and leave flowers. Her headstone looked the most beautiful I have ever seen it since it was put in. It was clean with not a spec of dirt or dust on it. The grass around it was a beautiful green. It was so neat to see it this way especially on this day. We felt peace while we were there and sad that we even had to experience a day like this. We of course remembered the time of the events and watched the clock as that time approached, but it was so nice not to be in our home during that time. The 5 hour drive to the lake was a great time for us as a family to talk about Kamber and the funny things that she did and the things that we miss the most. The 25th was a peaceful day filled with love for each other and for our Kamber.

Thanks to all for the thoughtful gifts, cards, and phone calls on this special day. We have many angels here on the earth that continue to lift us up during our trials. Thank you for remembering our Kamber. I think remembering a loved one is the one thing a mom and dad feel is the most important. We hope everyone will continue to remember Kamber and the sweet spirit she is for years to come.

Coming Soon!
Many more pictures, funny and heart felt stories to come of our Lake Powell Trip.

July 25th, Lake Powell!

We have been invited to go with some friends to Lake Powell for a week. We were suppose to leave on Monday but we have recently found out that our friends get the house boat a few days early; so our trip can start on Saturday!

I have been so torn on whether we were going to go on Saturday or leave later. Saturday marks one year since Kamber passed away. I have been so sick thinking about this day for the past couple of weeks. This week so far has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. Every thing has been so real. I remember this week a year ago even though I try hard not to. The storm we had on Monday night happened a year ago also. When I lay my head down to sleep so many images and thoughts run through my mind even though I try so hard not to think about them. It has brought me to tears every night. My body quivers like it did those early days a year ago. I am exhausted by the emotions. I find myself in the survival state once again each and every day. It takes a lot to get me even dressed for the day which hasn't been happening till the late afternoon or not at all. So with everything that I am going through so far the idea of running away to Lake Powell on Saturday seems like a really good idea. Hopefully it will keep my mind busy.

On the other hand we have lots of family we are leaving behind. I know that their lives have been changed also. I recognize their sadness and missing. This is why it has been so hard to make the decision to leave. I hope that they understand why we are going to leave but know they are in our thoughts and prayers also. As of yesterday we had decided to be here for Saturday but we were staying strictly for our family members but knowing it was going to make it that much harder on us. Then my husband spoke to my father- in -law today and expressed how we felt and asked his opinion on what we should do. We don't want anyone to hurt any more. My father -in- law expressed to Ethan that he felt we should do what is best for our little family. Kamber was our child and to do what we need to and that he thought every one would understand. I am so grateful for his kind words, love, and support that he continues to give to us. Actually, I can't fail to mention how supportive and caring all of our family members have been.

So with that we will be leaving Saturday to hopefully break up the memory of the worst day of our lives. A day that we don't want celebrate, a day that the world for us stopped turning, the day that one of our angels left this earth for a moment in time.

This caught my eye and my heart

As I mentioned in my last post that the one year mark of Kamber's death is approaching. With it brings all kinds of emotions and anxiety. In someways I feel I am stronger and in other ways I feel weaker. I find myself more often just speaking out loud to my Heavenly Father about my feelings. This is what I spoke to him about this morning on my way to pick Tayler and her friend up from swim team this morning.

"I don't know how to feel. It has almost been a year and I am still very sad and still in some ways mad. I know you know how I feel and know that I will come around. I don't feel that you are upset with me for my feelings. But how long is it okay to feel this way? I wouldn't bring Kamber back now that she is in such a perfect place. I am glad that she doesn't have to endure this world and all the bad things that happen. I am glad that she doesn't have to endure the sorrow of losing a child, or a mom or dad eventually. I know she misses us but, she understands the big picture and so I am sure that makes it a little different. I just miss her. I am sad that all her memories are not fresh in my mind anymore. At times it feels as though she wasn't really here, like it was all a dream. I hate that it feels that way at times. I love you Kamber. I just wish I was stronger. I wish I had the drive to accept it all but part of me feels if I do it means that I didn't love her enough. But I do, I love her with my whole heart."

When I got home I was going through some of the things I saved after Kamber died and I found a talk that I had read a day after. This is what stuck out to me today:

We knew before we were born that we were coming
to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would
have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and
hardships, health and sickness, successes and
disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of
life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with
a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and
unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come
earthward even though it might be for only a day or a
year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we
should die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were
willing to take life as it came and as we might organize
and control it, and this without murmur, complaint, or
unreasonable demands.

In the face of apparent tragedy we must put our trust
in God, knowing that despite our limited view his
purposes will not fail. With all its troubles life offers us
the tremendous privilege to grow in knowledge and
wisdom, faith and works, preparing to return and share
God’s glory.

Spencer W. Kimball

It's Coming

This is a picture of last 4th of July.


The one year mark of the loss of our Kamber is approaching. In so many ways I can't believe that it has almost been a year since I last held my sweet little girl, but in other ways it seems like forever ago. I miss her every day and try not to think too much about the dreaded day to come. I am finding out that I don't cry out in pain as much anymore. I definitely have those days but they don't come as often. I do have a constant ache though that never goes away, it is always lingering but, most of the time I can handle the pain and fight my way through it.

Many people are asking what I am doing for the one year mark. Well, I really don't know. If I had it my way I would run away, find a way to check out for that day. Take away all the hurt and pain for my whole family. It is definitely a day that I don't want to celebrate but I do want people to remember the day that changed my families life forever. I want them to remember that on that day a special angel left this earth to be with her Father in Heaven. The day that I felt as if heaven and hell surrounded me. I have never been so close to those that loved me, especially those on the other side of the veil. Yet I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. It all collided at the same time.

My worst dreams had come true. I worry about something happening to my kids every day and night. Ever since I became a mom I have always prayed for the safety of my children. That same prayer was given the night before Kamber died. I knew that following day what that safety was... safe in the arms of our Savior. Definitely not the answer I wanted but one I have to deal with and some day maybe accept.

Tonight I think about you Kamber and think about that scary day for me and our family. I know you are with me as I worry about this day. I know you are always there and together somehow we will make it through.

Tayler's Special Day

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This is a very special day for Tayler. She has made the choice to be baptized and become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We are so proud of her decision and I know our Father in Heaven is also. She will be baptized and confirmed by her father. What a sweet and special blessing that is. I hope Tayler will always remember this day and how she felt as I do my baptism day. We all love Tayler and we are very grateful to have her sweet spirit be a part of our family.

I remember my baptism day. I was baptized on my birthday! My dad was not a member of the church so I was baptized by my cousin Rich Skousen and confirmed by my Grandpa Hall. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was a little nervous but mostly excited. I couldn't wait to be baptized and feel the Holy Ghost, I truly felt it was a very special gift just for me. I remember the warmth on my head and the tingles throughout my body as the spirit confirmed to me at a young age that my Heavenly Father was pleased with my decision.

I also felt truly blessed to have my dad present at my baptism. He always supported me in all the important things I did throughout my life. I felt very fortunate to have my dad be a part of my day because he was very sick. The cancerous tumor in his brain was causing his head to swell on one side. That day he was the most swollen I had seen him. I knew he didn't feel good and that something was very wrong. I was very worried for him but grateful that he was able to be with me. Later that night I learned of my Heavenly Fathers love for me, the importance of my baptism, and the love Heavenly Father had for my dad. After the luncheon for my baptism my dad had a seizure. This was not his first but every time it was very scary. He was able to pull through and that night his life was not taken. I got to have a few more years with my dad and he got to see me grow to the age of 13.

You see that day was the start of my testimony. I think it was the first time that I realized what a testimony was. That day the spirit warmed my heart and I got to see my Heavenly Fathers hand in my families life. I got to see how important it was for me to be baptized and for my family to be there. Since that day I have been able to progress through many more important mile stones in my life. Few my dad was able to physically be present for but he has been there for all, this I know to be true. He has been there in spirit at my side, encouraging me all the way. This is how I know that Kamber will be with us tomorrow. She will be there smiling down on Tayler and will continue to be with her in her life every step of the way. Through the good and bad, accomplishment and set backs. I am so grateful for the special angels in our lives.

I am thankful to my mom for taking me to church so that I could learn of the gospel, so that now my children can gain a testimony of their own. I am happy for Tayler's decision and I know that this day will be one she remembers for the rest of her life.

Father's Day and a Crappy Attitude

I wish I could say that on Father's Day it was my husband that had the crappy attitude but it was me. It started Saturday night and then I woke up Sunday morning feeling good. so I thought but as the day wore on I found my attitude turning from good to bad. I was so excited to give Ethan his Father's Day gift, one that I had kept a secret for months not telling anyone about. Secrets that are exciting are hard for me to keep especially when it is not someone else's secret. Ethan was happy with his gifts and it made it worth the wait.

We got ready for church and on my way there Ethan asked me if Father's Day was hard for me since my dad is not alive or has it been so long that it doesn't make me sad anymore? I told him that I always think of him especially on this day but my thoughts are not sad ones, I think of the happy times that I can remember. I actually had a dream about him the night before.

We went to church and Tayler had her baptism interview and then the bishop met with Ethan to make sure he knew how the procedure was going to go. Then I guess they spoke about us not being at church as often and Ethan had to reassure him that when we are not there we are either out of town or sometimes we are struggling and we don't want to put a happy face on in front of other people. It seemed to surprise him given it has almost been a year. When I heard this I could feel my emotions change, it just reassured me that one of my fears was in fact true. There are people who assume that around a year you are healed or don't struggle as much. Oh how I wish I could explain so that everyone could understand that a year isn't enough time to heal. I don't hysterically cry every day like I did in the beginning but I hurt each and every day and I still have days that feel like I am right back at the beginning. So yes there are many days that I don't want to be around anyone and have to put on a happy face and some of those days happen to be Sundays.

Needless to say, at the end of church I was informed that we were to feed the missionaries at 5:00. I am pretty sure my eyes got huge and my mouth dropped to the floor. "Sure, yeah uhhh sure." I grabbed my girls and walked out of church ready to burst into tears. What the heck was I going to feed them? All the way home I was racking my brain to think of something to make. I am not one that likes things sprung on me especially when it comes to cooking. I am not the best cook and there are very little things I know how to make well and I didn't even know if I had the stuff to make a decent dinner. My attitude went from not so good to crappy, bad, you better watch out or mama will chew you up and spit you out. I complained to Ethan for a good half hour that I either was going to call and cancel because for heavens sakes it was Father's Day and we had people to visit. Or I would whip something up and drop it by their apartment. Ethan kept telling me "No we are feeding the missionaries." This made me more angry. Finally Ethan said " Jen it is Father's Day and you are treating me like crap, you have got a bad attitude." I burst into tears, I didn't want to treat him bad especially on this day. I was just so angry about everything. I was struggling with Father's Day more than Ethan was. I was mad that Ethan had to go through a Father's Day without Kamber, mad that my Bishop doesn't seem to understand how hard life is right now, and that I wasn't warned that we were to feed the missionaries and that Ethan insisted that we do it. He had more confidence that I could pull it off than I did. I was also worried that we weren't going to be able to go over to Ethan's parents to visit with his dad and let him know we care about him. My dad isn't here and my father in law is all I have and he means the world to me. So I guess even after all these years Father's Day still effects me deep down and I am still sad. I guess I still feel robbed of a child hood with my dad.

It was good to have a good cry with my husbands arms around me. I let him know how sorry I was for my crappy attitude and really I just wanted him to be happy. Needless to say my attitude changed, I made a great meal that the missionaries loved and I really enjoyed having them in my home. I was so grateful for the spirit that they brought with them and wouldn't mind if they dropped in unexpectedly again. We made it to the family get together and I got to give my father in law a big hug. It turned out to be a great day and my crappy attitude changed to one of peace, humility, and happiness.

Our Trials

Life is hard. We are all given trials through life. Some may seem small and pass quickly. Others may be given trials that are very hard to overcome and seem to last forever. I can say that losing a child is probably one of the very hardest trials to be given if not the hardest. It is a trial that will be with us forever as we fight with the emotions of grieving. The loss will always be there. A part of my heart will always be broken, the part that is reserved for Kamber.

I find myself exhausted trying to deal with the fact that Kamber is no longer here. My yearning to hold her will have to do with touching her pictures and things that were hers. I have not found a way to be grateful for my trial, but I do hope that I can do some good with what has been given.

I have been reading a book written by Sheri Dew- If Life were Easy, It Wouldn't be Hard. I hope that some day I can be as inspiring as she is. I actually have started writing down my life experiences that will lead up to where my life is now. Hopefully someday it can be made into a book that is inspiring to others. I know I have a long time till I get to the point that I can uplift others and not be so focused on my grief.

My favorite quote of Sheri Dew is on the back of her book. This thought really struck me as I thought of my struggle of trying over and over again to get back on my feet and push forward through the pain. This is what it says:

Our mortal experience is designed to test what we really care about, what we really believe, what we really want to become, and how we really feel about our Father and His Son.

Our trials do test what we care about, what we believe, and what we become. I have never had a test be this hard before and losing a child can bring you to the edge of shattering it all. Hopefully it is the hardest trial I will ever have to face.

Perfect

Last night as I was saying my prayers, tears were just pouring down my eyes as they do most every night. Yes, almost every night I still cry for my little girl. I find that my prayers are more sincere and I pray for a longer amount of time. I also find myself talking to my Heavenly Father as if he were sitting right in front of me. I always thank him for all the many blessings in my life, for the safety of my family, for allowing Kamber to be a part of our lives, and often times I am pleading with my Heavenly Father for strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day.

I found myself talking about how much I miss Kamber and that I don't feel her as often as I did when she passed away. I told my Heavenly Father that I understood that she was busy and that I know that she is surrounded by many people that love her, but that it is still hard. It is hard to lose someone that you love, they are here one minute and then gone the next and you have to adjust to not having them around. I told him that I wish I could feel her more often. Then I could feel her presence with me. I felt bad that Kamber saw me crying but I told her that I just miss her, but that it was okay because I know that I will be with her again.

I continued praying and found myself thinking of how hard trials are in our lives. Most trials come and go. I feel that losing a child is a trial that is never ending. The longing for our little one will never go away. This is a hard one I have been given and can't believe that I have to endure it. Then I thought about before we came to earth. I must have really loved Kamber before, I loved her so much that I wanted her to be a part of my family and was willing to do anything. Maybe I knew that her life would be short, that she would be taken at a young age. By being taken before 8 yrs. old she would be perfect, no need to go through the trials here in this world. I loved her so much that I was willing to endure this agony of missing her just to have her be with our family for a short while. I thought, if this is how it played out, I said yes then and I still say yes now. She is perfect no need to endure this wicked world, guaranteed glory and I will endure the sadness.

I love Kamber so much, I would do anything for her and any of my girls. I just hope I don't have to endure this again.