Why My Mom Lies

Ask my Mom how she is

My mom, she tells a lot of lies

she never did before

but from now until she dies

she'll tell a whole lot more

Ask my mom how she is

and because she cannot explain

she will tell a little lie

Because she cannot describe the pain

Ask my mom how she is

She'll say 'I'm alright'

if that's the truth

then tell me why does she cry each night

Ask my mom how she is

she seems to cope so well

she didn't have a choice you see

Nor the strength to yell

Ask my mom how she is

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"

For God's sake mom just tell the truth

Just say your heart is broken

She'll love me all her life

I loved her all of mine

But if you ask her how she is

She'll lie and say I'm fine

I am here in heaven

I cannot hug from here

If she lies - don't listen

Hug her and hold her near

On the day we meet again

We'll smile and I'll be bold

I'll say your're lucky to get in here mom,

With all the lies you told.

Washing the Car

Yesterday I went out in the afternoon to wash my dirty car. It was long over due. I use to always take my car down to the car wash and just pay the $20 for some one else to do all the car work. I have a suburban so washing the car is not a fast easy task. These days this job has taken on new meaning and has become something that I enjoy doing.

This is my story behind washing my own car.

On the beautiful summer morning of July 25th my sweet daughter Kamber came and woke me up bright and early. That was okay with me because I had lots I needed to do before my husband and I left out of town late that afternoon. I never choose to wash my car myself but knowing that my mom was coming to stay at our house with the kids I knew she would probably like to use my car and it would be nice to use a clean car. Brookie was sleeping and Tayler and Kylie were watching cartoons. I knew I couldn't leave Kamber in the house to wonder because that would just be trouble waiting to happen. So I chose to take her out with me to wash the car. We got our bucket of soapy water and our towels to dry off the car. I started and Kamber found my keys and decided to dunk them in the bucket of water and with excitement in her voice yelled out "Lookie Mama I wash keys!" I wasn't to happy about it because I have a remote clicker on my keys and worried that it would ruin them. I took the keys from her and told her not to put them in the water again. As soon as I turned my back the keys were back in the water and I heard "Lookie Mama I wash keys!" I took them from her once again and said not to put the keys in the water. This time she waited a couple of minutes before I heard her again. This time I just didn't care, she was having fun. Then she came over and washed the part of the car I had already cleaned and rinsed off, but I didn't care. Then she drug my clean towels through the muddy water and on to the clean part of the car to help me dry but I didn't care. She was having fun and I was loving just spending time with her. She was a big helper and I loved spending that one on one time with her that day. There was something special and sweet about that day and her, something I noticed and enjoyed and the day seemed to revolve around her. It was wonderful. Little did I know Heavenly Father was planting one more memory for me to have of my sweet girl soon to be taken back to her heavenly home later that day.

We had many more things we did that day and memories her sisters will always remember. I am grateful for not letting time get in the way that day and just enjoyed my girls. I am grateful that I washed my car that day and this is why I continue to do so.

I enjoyed my time by myself yesterday washing my car remembering my sweet Kamber.

Hospitals and Peace?

I have spent a lot of time at Hospitals this week. I wasn't there for my self but for my husband. On Tuesday he had his gallbladder surgery. We were called in a hour and a half earlier than we were scheduled to check in but didn't have his surgery till an hour after his original surgery time. Needless to say I spent literally all day at the hospital. Ethan did really well during his surgery and we came home happy to see our beds. The girls had a wonderful time over and their cousins playing.

Things were going pretty good till last night. Ethan woke me up at 2:30 in the morning in a soaking wet sweat and doubled over in pain. He threw back and forth the idea of going to the E.R. and when the pain got worse that is where we were headed. My mom came out and stayed with the girls so I could go and be with Ethan. Thanks Mom. We spent 7 hours down at the E.R. and now are home. Yeah! Don't worry about Ethan he is doing much better and I am sure will continue to do so.

Here is the thing. We of course went to the closest Hospital to us because of how Ethan was feeling and that hospital happens to be where Kamber died. Yep, I drove the same route that we drove that sad day, walked through the same E.R and experienced the same smells of that horrible day. I definitely had anxiety. Deep breaths is what I kept telling myself. I think what might have been my saving grace is that they are remodeling the hospital so it did look a little different. I couldn't see the room where Kamber was and don't even know if that room is there anymore. I couldn't help but but have memories of that day running through my mind. But one thing that stuck out to me the most was within all the havoc and sadness of that day I remembered the peace I felt along with it. Though I was watching my daughter die and my world had been shattered there was a mild peace behind it all and what I can gather is that the peace is the knowledge that I will be with her again. Now, that doesn't take away the pain of loosing her. It doesn't take away the anger I feel from time to time. I doesn't mean I don't long to hold her and kiss her little cheeks, tell her I love you and hear her say it back. I doesn't take away all those things I miss or make life easier with out her. I still at times question what I really believe but it doesn't take long to turn that thinking around again.

So today I am thankful the remembrance of the peace behind the loss and the knowledge that I will be with Kamber again with my family as a full family unit never to be broken again.

Finding My Way

This life is so full of ups and downs. I find myself riding this roller coaster at a pretty fast pace. After a few weeks of pure sadness I am seeing some light today. I have had times that I have thought that I have accepted what has happened and then out of no where it is shot down. My anger seems to come and go. It has been more present here lately and I am constantly trying to move past those feelings. But at the same time I feel that it is only healthy to let myself just feel, feel all the emotions that grief has to give in hopes that some day I can heal. I am grateful for family and friends that allow me to express my feelings and try to understand. I am grateful for my angel friends that listen and allow a soft place to fall when ever it is needed. I am so thankful for a husband that lifts me up and is an example to me of what a true kind heart is. I am thankful for each one of my girls and their love they show me and others. There is nothing better than a family and I am so grateful for mine and that we are an eternal family. I love my angel child and I am grateful to feel her presence often. I am also grateful for my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me so that I can be with my family for eternity.

It Makes It Sooo Final... Kamber's Headstone

On Tuesday we got the call that Kamber's headstone had been set on Tuesday afternoon. Ethan and I couldn't wait to see how it turned out. We had know what we wanted and hoped it was as wonderful as we hoped it would be. So many emotions were running through my head. The day that we were told that the headstone was done I just broke down. It had been a while since I had cried that hard. I felt as if my body was going into convulsions. It made it all to real, to final. Why, Why, Why? I don't want this trial! Nobody should have to bury their child and try to pick out the perfect headstone because nothing will be ever good enough. Nothing will ever truly show how beautiful and wonderful she is and that the world was truly better with her in it! Oh, how hard this life can be.

So needless to say I was scared, scared of my emotions, scared of what I would see. Would I be okay with it or would it send me into a downward spiral that I try so hard not to get in to. I went and picked out some flowers. Daisies, that is what I wanted and they were perfect. White on the outside to represent how pure Kamber is and yellow on the inside and reflect how vibrant and full of life she is. And the daisy as a whole is beautiful to look at just like Kamber. As I approached the headstone with my family all gathered around and watching me as I walked up my heart was pumping. I walked up and laid flowers down and started at the beautiful headstone that represented my daughter that body lays there. It was beautiful, just how Ethan and I wanted it to look. Yes, it makes it real and seem so final but it is nice to have something for her. I am sad because that is the last thing that I can do for my little girl. I feel as though there is nothing else I can give her or do for her. My duty as her mom seems so empty and I long to do things for her. I love and miss her just as her daddy and sisters.


Our family around Kambers Headstone.

Ethan and I.

Buddies!

This is a picture of my Kylie bear and Kamber. Kylie got to spend the most time with Kamber since Kylie went to half day young learners last year. Kylie was the closest in age to Kamber and she loved to play with her. You usually would find Kamber if you found Kylie. Kylie's room was always a mess and Kylie would claim it was because of Kamber, which I am sure she did help to make the mess; but with Kamber gone Kylie's room really hasn't been that much cleaner!

Kylie seems to be struggling the most with the loss of Kamber and it breaks my heart. Today my husbands secretary who's name is Amber came to the house. I walked out to the garage to tell Ethan that Amber was here and Kylie was behind me and said " Mommy is Kamber's here?!" Her eyes lit up and she had a look of excitement on her face as if waiting for me to say "Yes! She is right here." Oh how I wish that could have been my response for her. My heart broke once again to have to say " no, not Kamber." I wonder if in the little head of Kylie's that she thinks that Kamber will some day walk through our door and things will be back to normal. Or maybe she holds on the the faith that she will some day see her again, Some day...

Which is the truth, One Day... One Wonderful Day We Will See Kamber Again!

As a Child

This weekend we went quad riding as a family with some friends. My girls love to explore and ride on the quads with daddy. It was fun to have a big group of us out for the day enjoying the nice weather. We went down to Sycamore Creek for our day of fun. I found a new love, my husbands Banshee that he has done some modifications to so it will go faster than it was made to run. I have always had a little fear of this quad since it was the one that Ethan and I were thrown off of when we were dating just before we got married.

I decided it would be fun if my friends and I went for a drive on the quads just ourselves. My friend Amy rode her quad that is an automatic hunting quad that can go over anything. My friend Valerie got our Raptor that is fast but not as scary as the Banshee and my husband chose the Banshee for me since I have a little more experience riding quads than my friends. I was scared to death but didn't want anyone to know. I hopped on the quad and started it up and drove as safe as I could down to the open area of the creek. My friends came down and took off leaving me in their dust. My competitive side kicked in and thought "Oh no you didn't." I threw that quad into first gear and peeled out. It scared me at first to feel the power and it went faster than I was ready for it to go but then something inside me loved it. First, second, third, top of third okay maybe that was fast enough since I didn't know the trail all that well. As the day went on I rode that quad as much as I could. I found myself as a child again. I found water and splashed through it and couldn't seem to get enough of it. Normally I wouldn't want to get wet from head to toe but I didn't care that day. We had so much fun. My girls were playing together with their friends and they were so happy. I found myself thinking of Kamber and the fun she would have had. She had a love or life I have never seen before. I found myself feeling some of the spirit that she had. It didn't matter how dirty we got, we were having fun and enjoying each other.

After days of being depressed and sad I needed a weekend to just enjoy my family and friends and just let loose. It is amazing how fun life can be through the eyes of a child.

Brighter Days, Till...

The past couple of days have been brighter! I look forward to days that I can get out of bed and do my daily routine and feel some sort of hope. Today was one of those days till... I was going through one of my cupboards and saw the container that I have a piece of Kamber's hair in. At the hospital I braided a piece of Kamber's beautiful blond hair and cut off a piece to have. I don't touch it all that often because it is the only tangible thing that is truly her. I can still smell her in her hair but it is mostly the way she smelt that last day I saw her alive and then held her lifeless body in my arms.

Today seeing and holding her hair triggered something in me. I held it tight and then put it down telling Heavenly Father that "Today I am Angry. " "I am angry that Kamber had to go!" I could feel the anger throughout my body and then I could feel my body slump over. Why, Why do I feel this way? Why do I have to endure? I don't want just memories of my sweet daughter, I want her here. I MISS HER.

I understand the plan but yet I don't. I love the memories but yet I don't. I want time to fly by but yet I don't. This road I travel is lonely and ugly. I miss my sweet little girl.

I send love and hugs to all those who have lost a child. The pain is great but in the end our pain is promised the be reciprocated one hundred fold.

Accepting

Do you ever get to the point in grief that you actually accept the loss? I have felt that lately I have done pretty good. I felt that I have been accepting that Kamber is gone and looking forward to the day that I get to see her again. Just when you think that all is okay a wave comes and takes you down. I woke up this morning feeling sick but not because I am physically sick right now but that emotionally, spiritually, mentally sick feeling. The longing to see Kamber this morning. It was horrible waking up and knowing I can't just walk into her room and see her. Why does this have to linger every day. This is not a battle I want to trudge through, some day s I want to just give up and not get out of bed. Do I really have to face this reality day after day? The answer is always, YES.

It is so exhausting to feel okay some days and then angry other days. It is not mind over matter, it is what it is and it is HARD. I do know that I will be with Kamber again and I know that she does come around us and those times are wonderful. But I am human and it is hard not to have her physically here. Time goes on and this day will soon pass and hopefully tomorrow will bring happier feelings.

The Pieces of my Heart

It is amazing when enduring hard trials there is growth as a person during those times. I have always considered myself a spiritually strong person with a close relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My faith has been tested from time to time but nothing like the here and now. When Kamber first died I don't think I had ever been more close to my Heavenly Father or my family. I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost like I have never flet before. I felt strong and knew my little girl was being taken care of. After the first couple of weeks the reality started to set in. I realized that Kamber had really died and that I was not waking up from the bad dream, IT WAS MY REALITY. My heart, testimony, and every thing I knew about was shattered into a million pieces. I found myself looking at the pieces that at one time formed what I thought was me and didn't recognize them at all. How could this have happen to my family? My world was spinning. Little by little I have tried to pick up the pieces and I think it is going to take a life time to put them back together. Each piece I am finding is different now, the peices don't look the same and sometimes don't fit the mold so I lay them back down and search for another one. Time doesn't seem to heal, it just takes life in to different feelings and meanings. My testimony has grown and other times I wonder what I truly believe. I always seem to find my way back to the teachings of the gospel and how grateful I am for it. It doesn't take the pain away but it is nice to have it to cling to especially through this sort of trial.

Since Kamber's passing we have had an outflow of people reaching out to us. We had never know the true amount of friends or have never been ones to so freely talk about our beliefs and share our testimony. Ethan and I have had many people ask us about the gospel and it has been great to share it with others. There is always a special spirit when we talk of our testimony of eternal families. We don't only believe that we will see Kamber again but that we will be together as a family unit as we are now. I will still be married to the love of my life and my girls will still be sisters and we will enjoy each other as we do now. That is one of the greatest gifts that Heavenly Father has given us!

I won't ever be grateful for the trial of Kamber dieing but I feel I can be grateful for the things I learn along the path of making my way back to my Heavenly Father. Some days I can't see any good and could care less for things learned and the happiness of other families. But there are many times I can see the sweetness of my Fathers love for me and my family. I see the special spirit that Kamber is and how grateful we are to have her in our family. We did something right for Heavenly Father to trust us with one of his most righteous children and I would endure all this pain over again to have Kamber in our lives and waiting for me when I die, that will be a wonderful day! For now I try to enjoy every minute with my family and pick up the peices to my heart very slowly. I want to make every piece one to remember.

1st Birthday in Heaven

I want to start off by thanking every one that brought over flowers, gifts, cards and took time to say hi and call on the phone to wish Kamber a Happy Birthday. The show of Love and support to our family was amazing. I woke up in the morning to purple balloons on my home and down the neighborhood streets and homes. It was so fun to see all the purple and then a sign was put in our lawn that said " We Love U Larsens!" I was fun to see how much people really did care for us and remembered our sweet Kamber. I spent most the morning answering the phone or answering the door to beautiful flowers for Kamber. My home smells so good thanks to the flowers delivered. I received beautiful gifts that were heart felt and had beautiful meaning behind them that I will keep forever. Thank you to all who had kind words and came to celebrate Kambers Birthday!


Here are some pictures of her big day.

Here was are standing in front of Kambers grave.

The sign in our yard.

Here is Kambers grave decorated with purple flowers, pinwheels, and birthday balloons!

This is the balloon release. We had 45 balloons in purple and pink. There was one white balloon that was Kambers angel balloon. We had little papers tied to the balloon with special messages for Kamber.

Kambers Birthday cake, Tayler and Kylie had the honors of blowing out Kambers candle.

This is a blanket with Kambers picture on it. This blanket is beautiful! Shasta found a way for me to give Kamber hugs any time I want!

Kamber's Birthday!

Happy Birthday Kamber! She would be 3 yrs. old today. We are so happy to have had Kamber in our life for her short time on earth. We know she is with us today and can see all that we are doing to remember her.

We love you sweetheart and hope you have a Happy Birthday!

Scroll down to see some of our favorite pics. of Kamber.


Last Family picture.

Proud big sister. She loved Brookie!

Easter this year.

Turning 2 yrs.

Kamber's 2nd Birthday Party! She was so cute.

Kamber loved to smile like this to make us laugh.

Our snow trip on Kamber's 2nd Birthday. She loved the snow!

Kamber was more interested in the bow from her presents than her gifts.

Kamber's 1st Birthday! We had heart balloons and pink cupcakes. Kamber loved eating her first cupcake.

Best Friends!

Proud Daddy and big sisters!

Kamber was born February 10, 2006. We were so happy to have another cute little girl!

Kamber's Daddy

Let me tell you about Kamber's Daddy. I don't mention him much on the blog and he chooses not to write his feelings. But I don't want him to go unnoticed or be in the background because he is the center of our world. I have always said there is something special between a dad and his daughters. Especially with Ethan and Kamber. Ethan seemed to be Kambers favorite person in the whole world. You could tell that he was wonderful in her eyes! Kamber didn't like it when daddy would leave for work and she always had to give him a hug and kiss before he left and she was the first person at the door when he came home. Ethan always had time to play with the girls no matter how tired he was. He loved teaching Kamber the animal sounds and saying I Love You! Kamber loved to give her daddy big hugs and kisses. Each night Kamber would hop on Ethan's lap and that is where she would fall asleep. You could see Ethan's heart melt each time he would kiss her goodnight and lay her in bed. Ethan loves his little girls and misses Kamber but he clings to the faith that he will be with her again.

Ethan has been our rock through this trial. He has an optimistic personality and trys to look for the good in any situation. Standing 6"5 ft. and with his deep voice he can seem intimidating but he is truly the biggest teddy bear you will ever meet. He has the biggest heart and a love for life. Kamber seemed to get her heart from her daddy. I know Kamber watches over her daddy everyday and she can't wait to be able to throw her arms around his neck once again. Kamber loves her Daddy and we are so grateful to have him in our lives!

Kamber is Here!

This morning I walked outside to throw some things away in the garbage and it felt wonderful outside. I thought to myself "What a beautiful day!" I walked through our gate and looked over towards the pool. We have a big pot of beautiful purple flowers near our pool and the sight was beautiful today. As I looked at the flowers I had an overwhelming feeling of Kambers presence and the thought came to me again, What a Beautiful Day! It was as if I could feel what Kamber was saying. I kept looking over at the flowers to see if I could see her presence but I couldn't. But the feeling of her there was almost overwhelming. I didn't want to walk away but I knew I needed to get inside so I could get my girls ready for school. As I walked back through the gate I took one last look and a second to just feel and thought to myself " I know you are here Kamber and it is a beautiful day."

I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father and daughter that allow me to still feel their presence and that they reassure me that they love me. I know that Heavenly Father knows each one of us individually and he really does want us to be happy. Trials are a part of this life and I know there is a purpose behind them as hard as they might be. We somehow are to learn and grow. I hope I am doing just that so I can stand before him some day and say that I endured well. I did my best to learn and Kamber's life wasn't lost in vain.

Thank you Kamber for coming to me today and reminding me of the beauty of the simple things in life! I Love You.

Sunday Lessons

I walked into Relief Society and my eyes caught the picture sitting on the table. It was a picture of a new born baby. My first thought was how cute and as I walked closer I could see an oxygen tube in the babies nose. I sat down next to one of my friends and just stared at the picture. I immediately felt anxious thinking about what the lesson might be. I continued to stare at the baby in the picture thinking of the innocence and joy a child brings and how much I love my girls and thought of my angel Kamber. I turned to my friend and said "I don't think I am going to like this lesson because of that picture." She immediately put her arms on my shoulder to comfort me. As the lesson began I noticed myself tuning out as I continued to look at the picture of the sweet baby. I thought to myself that this baby is someones child and I was pretty sure the baby had passed away or had many complications and maybe had a miracle outcome. I started to think what if this baby is a miracle baby and Heavenly Father granted this family the miracle of saving his life so that they can enjoy him on this earth? I thought "oh no. I can't handle hearing about that. What about my miracle? Who saved my daughter from deaths grips? Nobody..." Soon after my sadness and anxiousness my feelings turned to peace as I remembered the comfort I felt as Kamber passed away, we knew in our heart that she was gone and in the prayer said by my husband before Kamber was transported to the hospital was that Kamber would be okay and we knew what the outcome and answer was. She was okay in our Heavenly Fathers arms.
Soon after the teacher started telling her story of her grandson Brookie started screaming. Maybe this was a blessing for me not to hear the details of the short life of this baby. I am glad that I could feel some peace at this time about that little boy and my Kamber knowing where they are and how special they are. Feeling peace doesn't take the pain away behind the loss but it does help us to endure.

Dear Kamber

Last night I was having a hard time expressing how I felt to Ethan. I wasn't angry but I was upset. I missed Kamber so much. I was really sad but I guess was accepting the fact that she is gone. My heart just ached so I decided to write Kamber a letter to tell her how I felt.

Dear Kamber,
I miss you so much tonight. I have been fighting back the tears and somehow I just can't let them flow. I miss seeing you play with your sisters. Today Brookie is wearing one of your outfits that Tristyn gave you for Christmas when you were little. Brookie is getting so big and I know you would have so much fun playing with her. She squints her nose just like you use to. It is so fun to see part of you in her.

I was staring at one of your pictures tonight and I was thinking about how beautiful you are. Your eyebrows are perfectly shaped. You have beautiful big blue eyes that remind me of Grandpa Leonard. You have the cutest straight teeth with big luscious lips that when you smile it lights up your whole face. I love your blonde hair and I miss the smell and touch of it. I miss seeing your cute little legs sticking out of your shorts and especially when you would wear a night gown. But most of all I miss your hugs, kisses, and hearing you say "I Love You!" You were my world and you brought so much excitement and love to our family. It is almost like I can't believe you are really gone. I never thought this would be a part of my life. I never thought I would lose one of my beautiful daughters. I don't understand it. Really, Why did you have to go? I would have taught you well and you would have never lacked being loved. I would have done a good job taking care of you and trying my best to make you happy. I know you are in heaven and it is a special place but, I would have done my best to make here in our home special too.

I guess I am realizing that we have no say when we return to our Heavenly home. For some reason you were to return leaving us after only 2 1/2 years. What I can gather is that you are to special and pure for this wicked world. We knew before you were born that you were special, you have a light about you that was captivating. I feel lucky to have been chosen to be your mom. I have so much still to learn and I will do my best to learn well so I can have a chance to raise you again some day.

I just want you to know how much I love and miss you. Your daddy and sisters love and miss you so much. You are always in our prayers and we hope that you are having a wonderful time surrounded by people that love you. I will love you always my sweet Kamber.

Love your Mommy!

6 Months

Today marks 6 months since our sweet Kamber passed away. It is interesting how your body just knows. Ethan and I couldn't help but wake up this morning with a sadness in our hearts and a longing to see Kamber running into our room as she did every morning. You don't know what we would have given to hear her sweet voice and see her beautiful smiling face! I didn't want to go to church today but somehow I mustered up the courage and took my girls and left Ethan at home with our sick baby Brookie. I found myself avoiding Sunday School and talking with a good friend of mine about life. Relief Society was good but made me nervous as the lesson started. I didn't want a lesson I would cry through, specially not today. I made it through and now I am safe in my home free to let my feelings out as I need.

Six months, has it really been that long and yet not long at all. It feels like eternity since I have seen Kamber.We just miss her today.

We love You Kamber!

Write A Book ?

I have been told by many that maybe I should write a book. My response is always " Your funny." My husband told me today that as he was showering and he was thinking that maybe I should write a book on my experiences about Kamber. I was totally shocked that my husband thought the same that others had felt and a thought that had passed through my mind but one that I have always put aside. I know that I don't have the best grammar or spelling and maybe sometimes the way I word things don't make sense but, I write how I feel at the time and the way I would talk to someone if they were standing right in front of me.

I have had some really neat experiences and many that I do not post on the blog but, I always record them. I have been told that I am very real and raw about my emotions on the blog and that many people feel it is refreshing. This is not how I have always been throughout my life but something has changed in me and hopefully it is for the better. I don't want to sugar coat my life because Life is Hard. People tend to understand the loss of a mother, father, grandparents and etc. but I have noticed there seems to be no understanding behind the loss of a child. It is actually something that people would rather not even have to think about. Life is different after you lose a child in a very dramatic way. Sad to say but you are treated different. There is a shift in your life and in the life of your family, one that you would rather not have but it is there without any warning.

I have read some books on grief and haven't found any that are really real about the grief of a mother. I would like something that tells of the dark side and then tells of the most uplifting and glorious experiences that Heavenly Father allows a mother to experience. The blessings and the hardships of a loss that cannot even be explained. To others that read they get only a little glimpse to the heart ache but, to the families that have endured this loss it is a validation of their feelings. This would be the purpose of a book, to help others. This is just a thought and I kind of feel retarded even mentioning it but, the subject has come up many times. Anyways, this post is just to get some feed back. What do you think?

A Mind Is A Powerful Thing

Last night I had a bad dream. I don't remember any pictures or necessarily any details but I have figured out what the dream was about. In my dream I was running and screaming, the exact scream I had when I found Kamber. I felt the rush of energy and panic that I felt that day. I also felt the shock and numbness that over come my body when the doctors told me that there is nothing else they can do and realizing that Kamber is really gone. I can remember the feeling of realizing that I really have no control over what happens to my children and that it doesn't matter how good of a parent you are or how much you love your child and do good things that bad things happen. There was also the realization that how much I know and believe in the plan of salvation it doesn't make all the heart ache go away and instantly mend your heart. At the end of the dream it took my breath away as I realized that Kamber has really died and yes this is my reality in my dream and when I wake. I was thankful that last night I didn't have to see the pictures along with the feelings and emotions but, as I woke I knew my mind already knew the pictures that go with the story. What a blessing it was to just feel those feelings and not have the pictures playing out at the same time as hard as it was to feel. I think that Heavenly Father knew if that had happened it would have sent my back into a spiral downward. Heavenly Father can't protect us from everything but, he can give us little tender mercies to help us stay balanced.

San Diego

The day after Christmas we went to San Diego for a much needed break from reality. We met our friends the McNeil's and the Nash's for a weekend of fun. Here was one of our favorite spots. We went to Sea Port Village and saw the aircraft carriers. These boats are huge! We were going to do a tour but it is expensive and there were a lot of stairs and with our chunk a bunka Brookie it would have been hard. We had a lot o fun on this trip. We missed Kamber and knew she would have loved all the fun things we did. I will post more on my family blog soon.