Tayler's Special Day

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This is a very special day for Tayler. She has made the choice to be baptized and become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We are so proud of her decision and I know our Father in Heaven is also. She will be baptized and confirmed by her father. What a sweet and special blessing that is. I hope Tayler will always remember this day and how she felt as I do my baptism day. We all love Tayler and we are very grateful to have her sweet spirit be a part of our family.

I remember my baptism day. I was baptized on my birthday! My dad was not a member of the church so I was baptized by my cousin Rich Skousen and confirmed by my Grandpa Hall. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was a little nervous but mostly excited. I couldn't wait to be baptized and feel the Holy Ghost, I truly felt it was a very special gift just for me. I remember the warmth on my head and the tingles throughout my body as the spirit confirmed to me at a young age that my Heavenly Father was pleased with my decision.

I also felt truly blessed to have my dad present at my baptism. He always supported me in all the important things I did throughout my life. I felt very fortunate to have my dad be a part of my day because he was very sick. The cancerous tumor in his brain was causing his head to swell on one side. That day he was the most swollen I had seen him. I knew he didn't feel good and that something was very wrong. I was very worried for him but grateful that he was able to be with me. Later that night I learned of my Heavenly Fathers love for me, the importance of my baptism, and the love Heavenly Father had for my dad. After the luncheon for my baptism my dad had a seizure. This was not his first but every time it was very scary. He was able to pull through and that night his life was not taken. I got to have a few more years with my dad and he got to see me grow to the age of 13.

You see that day was the start of my testimony. I think it was the first time that I realized what a testimony was. That day the spirit warmed my heart and I got to see my Heavenly Fathers hand in my families life. I got to see how important it was for me to be baptized and for my family to be there. Since that day I have been able to progress through many more important mile stones in my life. Few my dad was able to physically be present for but he has been there for all, this I know to be true. He has been there in spirit at my side, encouraging me all the way. This is how I know that Kamber will be with us tomorrow. She will be there smiling down on Tayler and will continue to be with her in her life every step of the way. Through the good and bad, accomplishment and set backs. I am so grateful for the special angels in our lives.

I am thankful to my mom for taking me to church so that I could learn of the gospel, so that now my children can gain a testimony of their own. I am happy for Tayler's decision and I know that this day will be one she remembers for the rest of her life.

Father's Day and a Crappy Attitude

I wish I could say that on Father's Day it was my husband that had the crappy attitude but it was me. It started Saturday night and then I woke up Sunday morning feeling good. so I thought but as the day wore on I found my attitude turning from good to bad. I was so excited to give Ethan his Father's Day gift, one that I had kept a secret for months not telling anyone about. Secrets that are exciting are hard for me to keep especially when it is not someone else's secret. Ethan was happy with his gifts and it made it worth the wait.

We got ready for church and on my way there Ethan asked me if Father's Day was hard for me since my dad is not alive or has it been so long that it doesn't make me sad anymore? I told him that I always think of him especially on this day but my thoughts are not sad ones, I think of the happy times that I can remember. I actually had a dream about him the night before.

We went to church and Tayler had her baptism interview and then the bishop met with Ethan to make sure he knew how the procedure was going to go. Then I guess they spoke about us not being at church as often and Ethan had to reassure him that when we are not there we are either out of town or sometimes we are struggling and we don't want to put a happy face on in front of other people. It seemed to surprise him given it has almost been a year. When I heard this I could feel my emotions change, it just reassured me that one of my fears was in fact true. There are people who assume that around a year you are healed or don't struggle as much. Oh how I wish I could explain so that everyone could understand that a year isn't enough time to heal. I don't hysterically cry every day like I did in the beginning but I hurt each and every day and I still have days that feel like I am right back at the beginning. So yes there are many days that I don't want to be around anyone and have to put on a happy face and some of those days happen to be Sundays.

Needless to say, at the end of church I was informed that we were to feed the missionaries at 5:00. I am pretty sure my eyes got huge and my mouth dropped to the floor. "Sure, yeah uhhh sure." I grabbed my girls and walked out of church ready to burst into tears. What the heck was I going to feed them? All the way home I was racking my brain to think of something to make. I am not one that likes things sprung on me especially when it comes to cooking. I am not the best cook and there are very little things I know how to make well and I didn't even know if I had the stuff to make a decent dinner. My attitude went from not so good to crappy, bad, you better watch out or mama will chew you up and spit you out. I complained to Ethan for a good half hour that I either was going to call and cancel because for heavens sakes it was Father's Day and we had people to visit. Or I would whip something up and drop it by their apartment. Ethan kept telling me "No we are feeding the missionaries." This made me more angry. Finally Ethan said " Jen it is Father's Day and you are treating me like crap, you have got a bad attitude." I burst into tears, I didn't want to treat him bad especially on this day. I was just so angry about everything. I was struggling with Father's Day more than Ethan was. I was mad that Ethan had to go through a Father's Day without Kamber, mad that my Bishop doesn't seem to understand how hard life is right now, and that I wasn't warned that we were to feed the missionaries and that Ethan insisted that we do it. He had more confidence that I could pull it off than I did. I was also worried that we weren't going to be able to go over to Ethan's parents to visit with his dad and let him know we care about him. My dad isn't here and my father in law is all I have and he means the world to me. So I guess even after all these years Father's Day still effects me deep down and I am still sad. I guess I still feel robbed of a child hood with my dad.

It was good to have a good cry with my husbands arms around me. I let him know how sorry I was for my crappy attitude and really I just wanted him to be happy. Needless to say my attitude changed, I made a great meal that the missionaries loved and I really enjoyed having them in my home. I was so grateful for the spirit that they brought with them and wouldn't mind if they dropped in unexpectedly again. We made it to the family get together and I got to give my father in law a big hug. It turned out to be a great day and my crappy attitude changed to one of peace, humility, and happiness.

Our Trials

Life is hard. We are all given trials through life. Some may seem small and pass quickly. Others may be given trials that are very hard to overcome and seem to last forever. I can say that losing a child is probably one of the very hardest trials to be given if not the hardest. It is a trial that will be with us forever as we fight with the emotions of grieving. The loss will always be there. A part of my heart will always be broken, the part that is reserved for Kamber.

I find myself exhausted trying to deal with the fact that Kamber is no longer here. My yearning to hold her will have to do with touching her pictures and things that were hers. I have not found a way to be grateful for my trial, but I do hope that I can do some good with what has been given.

I have been reading a book written by Sheri Dew- If Life were Easy, It Wouldn't be Hard. I hope that some day I can be as inspiring as she is. I actually have started writing down my life experiences that will lead up to where my life is now. Hopefully someday it can be made into a book that is inspiring to others. I know I have a long time till I get to the point that I can uplift others and not be so focused on my grief.

My favorite quote of Sheri Dew is on the back of her book. This thought really struck me as I thought of my struggle of trying over and over again to get back on my feet and push forward through the pain. This is what it says:

Our mortal experience is designed to test what we really care about, what we really believe, what we really want to become, and how we really feel about our Father and His Son.

Our trials do test what we care about, what we believe, and what we become. I have never had a test be this hard before and losing a child can bring you to the edge of shattering it all. Hopefully it is the hardest trial I will ever have to face.

Perfect

Last night as I was saying my prayers, tears were just pouring down my eyes as they do most every night. Yes, almost every night I still cry for my little girl. I find that my prayers are more sincere and I pray for a longer amount of time. I also find myself talking to my Heavenly Father as if he were sitting right in front of me. I always thank him for all the many blessings in my life, for the safety of my family, for allowing Kamber to be a part of our lives, and often times I am pleading with my Heavenly Father for strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day.

I found myself talking about how much I miss Kamber and that I don't feel her as often as I did when she passed away. I told my Heavenly Father that I understood that she was busy and that I know that she is surrounded by many people that love her, but that it is still hard. It is hard to lose someone that you love, they are here one minute and then gone the next and you have to adjust to not having them around. I told him that I wish I could feel her more often. Then I could feel her presence with me. I felt bad that Kamber saw me crying but I told her that I just miss her, but that it was okay because I know that I will be with her again.

I continued praying and found myself thinking of how hard trials are in our lives. Most trials come and go. I feel that losing a child is a trial that is never ending. The longing for our little one will never go away. This is a hard one I have been given and can't believe that I have to endure it. Then I thought about before we came to earth. I must have really loved Kamber before, I loved her so much that I wanted her to be a part of my family and was willing to do anything. Maybe I knew that her life would be short, that she would be taken at a young age. By being taken before 8 yrs. old she would be perfect, no need to go through the trials here in this world. I loved her so much that I was willing to endure this agony of missing her just to have her be with our family for a short while. I thought, if this is how it played out, I said yes then and I still say yes now. She is perfect no need to endure this wicked world, guaranteed glory and I will endure the sadness.

I love Kamber so much, I would do anything for her and any of my girls. I just hope I don't have to endure this again.

No Words For It

I went to the store to find a card for a friend of mine that has lost a child. As I searched the Sympathy section, (which I hate that word) I found all kinds of titles to look under.

For the Loss of A Mother
For the Loss of A Father
For the Loss of A Loved one
and the one that made me sick
For the Loss of a Pet

Your right, there was no title For the Loss of Your Child. Actually I take that back there was one card that was loss of a son but it wasn't a good one. I can't believe that the loss of pet comes before a child. Actually, it is none existent. I guess there are NO WORDS FOR IT because it is everyones worst nightmare.

I just want my friend to know I am thinking of her and her family. Love YOU!

Thinking Of Kamber

Here lately I have been thinking a lot about Kamber. I do think of her every single day, very much on my mind as I go about my busy days. But here lately I have been thinking of her more often. Tears have filled my eyes each day as I have thought back on the days that Kamber was here. My heart is torn into shreds but somehow it hasn't brought me down. The tears have last minutes as I think of how we go about our days without her. I think of all the fun things that we do, without her. This week we went to Sun Splash and I thought of how much fun she would have had. Kamber had no fear and I knew that for sure she would love to go down the slides and insist on doing it by herself. I was sad that I only could imagine what it would be like rather than getting to see it for myself, but the picture in my head was pure happiness as I could see her. Oh how I miss her.

We are now in June and I am realizing that at this point last year that I only had a month and a half left with her. You can not even imagine the feeling that it gives me. A month and a half, sometimes I am glad that I didn't know what was coming. Here I am almost a year without Kamber and boy have things changed. I am noticing that my memory if fading a little and it hurts. I can't remember her smell nor do any of her things smell like her anymore. That is a hard one to accept. Every now and then I get little whiffs that remind me. The sound of her voice is fading and I have to watch a video of her to truly remember how she sounded. One nice thing that I am able to remember is how she felt in my arms. I get to remember this because of hugging my other girls. I love getting to hold each one of them and now I hold them a little longer to remember Kamber.

Life is going on and I can't say that I am at the stage of accepting that she is gone nor can I say that I am out of the angry stage. Each day is still a battle but I am continuing to fight. There are time I get so exhausted and just have to let go but after I rest I am ready to fight some more. I miss my little girl and wish that things could be different but I cling to the faith that one day I will be with her again, to raise her and that it will be far better than here.

Another Birthday without our little Stinker

This is our Sweet Tayler. Tayler is turning 8 today! We are so excited for her and this special birthday. I can't believe I have an 8 yr. old, it just blows my mind. Tayler is such a goof ball. She loves to be silly and make people laugh. She is so lovable and sweet. Tayler is a great big sister and a wonderful daughter. I am so glad that Tayler was my first born and to have her in our family. She is such a blessing in our lives.

So here is another special day passing by without our Kamber. She is greatly missed especially on days like today. We know she will be here with us to celebrate even though we can't see her. I know her sisters miss her especially Tayler on such a big day. Tayler has picked a Hawaiian birthday and wanted her cake to be the same. We found the cutest cake that had flip flops with palm trees water and sand. When Tayler saw she had to have it especially because it had flip flops that remind her of her little sister.
Tayler we hope you have a GREAT BIRTHDAY! We all love you so much.

Memorial Sunday at the Cemetery

My post is really about today, Sunday. Each year the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend all of my husbands side of the family and extended family go down to the Mesa Cemetery to clean the headstones of those in the family has past away. We take a little time at each spot to remember that person. We start at the front of the cemetery and sad enough work our way to the back.

I hadn't really thought much about what today would be like for me or my family. I knew we wanted to go to clean and decorate Kamber's grave but didn't really feel it would be emotional for me. I usually just feel peace there and at times my eyes get moist but I am usually pretty strong. As we were driving down to the cemetery I was having this feeling that I was driving to my death sentence. It was not a comforting ride, I didn't want to have to do this. I don't want to be going to the cemetery for my little girl.

Once we were there and Kamber's headstone was clean and she had new flowers and pinwheels the feelings inside subsided. We made our way over to my dads grave and did the same that we had done for Kamber. I felt a peace there and as I cleaned my dads grave found myself talking to him. Then we headed over to the family to start our trek.

As we were about half way through one of our aunts showed up with a ton of purple balloons. They were for the kids to hold and some to put at Kamber's grave. My heart swelled at the kindness shown for my sweet little girl. I couldn't hold it in and I burst into tears clinging to my husband. I eventually controlled myself and continued the trek with the family. Along the way I spoke with another one of the aunts about trials in life and how we deal with them. It seemed she understood how I felt and it felt good to know someone understood and I was not being judged for my feelings.

Time finally arrived for us to clean one of the cousins graves that past away at a young age. I found myself not being able to be near and standing in the back. There also is another mother grieving. Then on to our last stop, my Kamber. It was so surreal. I found myself not being able to get close to the grave and look down at the headstone that about 50 people were looking at. It didn't feel real, I felt totally numb. I spoke with the aunt that I had been talking to alittle earlier and then all my family members started singing I Am A Child of God. I felt myself frozen in my tracks not being able to move. Why, Why did we have to sing, I was doing good. But at the same time it was so sweet to hear the voices of my family singing for my sweet Kamber. I walked over to Ethan and put my arm around him still not looking down at the headstone but tears ran down my cheek any way. I looked around and found all of Kambers aunts and uncles crying and then behind me my mother and father in law in tears. My heart broke for them as I saw them crying. Still it just didn't feel right or real. I felt like I was standing on the outside of my life looking in. Will it ever feel real to me? Will I ever accept that this really did happen? Am I living in denial maybe, but at times I almost like it that way, it doesn't hurt as much.

We once again made it through another tough day wondering how we are doing it. We continue to trudge through the storm not so gracefully at times, but some how I am hear to tell you about it. This day I think will always be hard for me because there is a difference when your child is on the list of people to visit at the cemetery.

Thanks to all who helped make Kamber's grave site so beautiful. I know she was smiling down on each and every one of you. We Love You Kamber!

Cousin

Today I spoke with my mother in law. She always asks how I am doing and I appreciate it. Today my response was that I am doing okay I mean good. Any day that I can keep my head up and accomplish some things that need to be done is a good day.

My sister had today off of work so she spent some of the day with me. She has a 3 year old daughter that is just 3 months older than Kamber. Her name is Sheridan and you guessed it, they were the best of friends.

We picked Sheridan up from preschool today and went to get lunch and run some errands. She was so good and loved playing with Brookie from her car seat. Normally being with Sheridan doesn't bring back any sad feelings. I usually just enjoy being with her and being her aunt. Today I also enjoyed her and smiled when I heard her talk. Sheridan is a little speech impaired so she is just now being able to say things that alot of two year old say. Anyways hearing her talk reminds me so much of Kamber. The way she says things and the way she acts at times is almost like I am watching my little girl. I could feel the emotions in me change and a sadness came over me as I longed for my little girl to be in the back seat. There should be three little ones when I hang out with my sister. Today I wished that I could hear Kamber calling for me in the back and giggling at Brookie. I miss looking in my rear view mirror and seeing a blond hair, blue eyed beauty sitting there with a big smile on her face. I miss my little girl and wish that she could be here to play with her cousin and that Sheridan wouldn't have to grow up without her. I'm sure Kamber misses Sheridan but I know that she visits her often. They will be best friends forever.

Tayler and Kylie's Missing

Kylie came into Ethan and I with tears in her eyes. The words that came out of her mouth are ones that I never I thought I would have to hear as a mom. "I miss Kamber." Every time it rips my heart right out of my chest. Oh, how I wish I could change things even if for my girls sake. I think what they miss the most is getting to play with her, at least that is what I hear them say. Kamber was always the life of the party and especially made life in general fun. We all miss having Kamber here and getting to play with her.

One of the questions Kylie asked me is... Why did Heavenly Father do this to us? Why does he make us wait so long to die so we can be with Kamber again? Heavenly Father didn't do this to us, sometimes accidents happen and he doesn't prevent them and why he didn't prevent this one I don't know. Why does he make us wait so long, well how do explain to a six year old that this life is really not long at all in the eternal scheme of things. All I know is that we won't be taken till it is our time. And the one thing I definitely know for sure is that Heavenly Father loves us and we will be with Kamber again.

The Love For Our Children

Yesterday Ethan and I met with a man about getting new medical insurance. He was a very kind man probably in his 50's. He moved from New York a couple of years ago and says that he really enjoys being here in Arizona. I don't understand it when it is so hot here but he and his wife seem to not mind it much.

He did a really good job presenting his company to us and giving all the details. He continued to move on and then we were to the subject of how the insurance would cover in case of an accident. Before I knew it the loss of Kamber came up and he was dead silent. I didn't want to look over at him because it was just silent. Was he in some kind of shock, did he not know what to say? Then I thought, "bad idea" shouldn't have mentioned it. Then out of the silence I heard him say in a sympathizing voice I lost my 20 year old son 2 years ago... I looked at him and his eyes fell to the floor as it seemed he was trying to compose himself. Ethan and I both looked at him and said I am sorry. Here this family is 2 years out and saying that their son died out loud to others still brings back some sad feelings. You could see how much he misses his son and loves him. But it seems that after that moment he was able to continue on as before just like we have to move on in life even thought we may not want to.

I miss Kamber everyday. Sometimes I am able to pull myself out of the sadness and continue to do the things I need to through out the day and then other times I need my moment to really feel. Sometimes that moment lasts a few hours, days or even a week, but some how I keep moving on. I look back on the day her accident happened ane wondered how I even left the hospital that day without her. How did I leave the cemetery the day we buried her? How do I continue to move on with out her? Here is the answer... I was carried and continue to be carried the whole way with angels by my side. Very dear loved one have passed away in my life and have left me sad and feeling abandoned but sometimes I wonder if really I am the lucky one. I have these special angels fighting for me on the other side.

Mom of the Year award? Ha Ha Ha!

One of my friends Sarah Stephens nominated me for Mom of the Year Award a while back. I have taken my time to get it done but here it is. Thanks Sarah!

Here are the rules I have to follow in order to receive the award:

Admit one thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you've written it down, you are no longer allowed to feel bad. It's over with, it's in the past. Remember, you're a good mom!

When my kids are telling me a story I have a hard time listening to the whole thing since they tell me every single detail. I try to hurry them along and give me the short version. That sounds even worse now that I have written it down, geese. Thank goodness it is in the past, according to the rules. :)

Remind yourself you are a good mom, list seven things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself everyday that you Rock!

1. I love taking the girls swimming.

2. I enjoy buying the clothes that they look so dang cute in!

3. I wake my girls in the morning with a song and an enthusiastic GOOD MORNING! I want them to always know I am happy to see them.

4. We love to exercise together.

5. I love that they are each others best friends.

6. I love that each one of them have my blue eyes. That is the only thing that they have of mine.

7. I am proud to be their Mom because I think they are the BEST!

Send this to five other Mom's of the year that deserve credit for being great moms and remind them that they are the best moms they can be!! Remember to send them a note to let them know you've selected them, and add a link to the person who nominated you.

I nominate the following 4 blogging moms:

Mindi Moser

Teri Larsen

Candi Wootan

Annie Larsen

Arizona Angel blog Mommies :)

Mother's Day

The day has finally arrived and I think that I got all the emotions out ahead of time. The day so far has been nice. I feel the love of my children and husband. I am so grateful to be a mother, it is something that I take pride in. My children are my world and what I live for each and every day. There is no greater calling than being a mother. I takes a lot of sacrifice but well worth it. There is nothing better than hearing I Love You from one of your children. I love watching them learn and grow. I love seeing them happy especially when we are together as a family.

As you know one of our daughters is not physically here with us but I can feel her near. I hope she is happy of me as her mother. I miss getting to see her here with our other girls and feeling her warm hug around my shoulders and kisses on my cheeks but the images in my head will have to do for now. I am wearing purple today as a remembrance of what is missing but is still near to my heart and our families heart. I have put Brookie in some of Kambers clothes (ones that would have been passed down to her anyways) to remind me that Kamber was real, I really did have the privilege of having her in my life even though it was to brief for me. The clothes are a remembrance but the child inside the clothes is our hope. Brookie brings hope and joy to our families life. We are all so grateful to have her especially Tayler and Kylie. I think they would be lost if they didn't have a little sister to play with.

I love all my girls and I am so grateful to have each of them. They each are unique and special to me. They each play a special role in our family. I love you girls with all my Heart.

Shout out to my Mom and Mom in law. HAPPY MOTHER DAY! Thanks for always being there for me and my family!

Maybe Not the best Idea

I keep telling myself, tell the truth. This blog is so others can see the real side to loosing a child not just the side that is strong. Tell the truth! So here it is...

I have been sooo sad. I have kept myself distracted by reading the Twilight books which have been great! But maybe not the best idea, I can't really tell. I think at the time I needed the distraction but maybe it distracted me to much. I haven't let myself deal with the pains that I feel about Kamber. Instead of facing them head on I just dove into the books letting myself live in a fantasy world which I loved. I didn't have to think just read, read, read all along knowing what I was running from. I have slowly closed myself out to the world and not really caring. I don't call anyone or talk to my friends. I am too vulnerable right now, I can barely talk to my husband about how I feel. My feeling are not happy, they are ugly. I don't want to know how much harder someone else has it right now, I don't want to think about anyone else. I just miss my sweet girl.

Can I just tell you how much I love my family? I love them to death and I am talking about all of them. We had them all over last night except for Spencer, Annie and their cute boys, who we all miss. Everyone came over for dinner and it was a blast. They all stayed for a while and the kids all played out back. I had so much fun watching my nieces and nephews all play together. I can't tell you how much I love each and every one of them. It makes me so happy to see them play together and hear them laugh. But through it all I kept watching and searching for Kamber. I knew what she would be acting like, I could hear her in my memory how she would have laughed and spoke as she played with her sisters and cousins. My heart broke and swelled at the same time as I watched my sweet family, all of them. So much bittersweet to life. Will I ever find just the sweetness again?

As you all know Mother's Day is coming. Oh how I dread it this year. I just want it to go away. I do want to celebrate my mom and how much I love and am thankful for her. I also want to celebrate my mother in law and show that I love her too and that I am thankful for her love and kindness shown to my family. I just don't want to celebrate it for myself, I can't even think of it with out tearing up. I always get pictures of my girls and it makes me sick to think about it this year. There is one missing! AHHHH! Sometimes I just wish I didn't even exsist. It that bad to say? But I do. I live for my girls that are still living with me that I love more than anything. I do for my husband that is my world. For my family that sticks by me. I live for my angel child that encourages me to be better. I exsist to win this fight to reaturn to my Father in Heaven and live with my family for eternity.

Distraction

I mentioned before that I had watched the movie Twilight. Well, now I have started reading the series. Actually I started a week ago and I am now on the last book. I have read the books as often as I could which is not as often as I would like since I have kids that need some of my attention too.
I have been so enthralled with the books and it has been a nice distraction from my real life. There have been days that I have been sad about Kamber this week but it has been nice to not have to focus on it. Instead I have consumed myself in the books. It is nice to have something to distract me for a while and save me from myself.
I am grateful for the little outlets in my life and from a husband that understands when I need time alone. I think I may have found a new hobby that I like. I never thought that I would like to read but I think that is changing. :)

Remembering an Interesting Conversation with a Little Fishy

I don't know exactly why I am remembering these thoughts from when Kamber was around. Maybe it is because most my prayers to my Heavenly Father have been about how lost I feel. I cling to the faith that I have and struggle to fully trust my Heavenly Father again. I know he understands my feelings and is grateful that I turn to him. I have to say that my relationship with him is probably closer than it has ever been but distant all at the same time. I find that when I pray I talk to him as if he were sitting right next to me. For once I really tell him how I really feel, all the emotions that I have and that I wouldn't tell anyone else. At the same time I find myself angry at him and not sure if I really trust him. Not that I feel he took Kamber from me to be mean but just knowing that if he needs another person in my life that he can take them away too. But with all these feelings, I Love Him.

So back to my thoughts and conversations that I have been remembering lately. One of the last times I took Kamber swimming she was being her usual self. Jumping off the side of the pool, going down the slide like a big kid and laughing. It was routine that she would sneak and take off her floaties and hurry and jump in the pool because she really thought that she could swim. I was always there to grab her and make her put her floaties on. This last time I was constantly getting after her for trying to take her floaties off. She successfully did one time and went down the slide with no floaties on. That was it, I had had it with getting after her and she was scaring me. So no more swimming for that day. I took her into her room to get her out of her swim suit and she was dancing around and laughing.
Here is our talk:

Me: Kamber you have to wear your floaties in the pool.
Kamber: Nooo
Me: Yes, Do you want to drown?
Kamber: YES!
Me: NO you don't that means you die and I would be so sad and cry and cry and cry. I couldn't take it if you were gone. I love YOU!
Kamber: K!

I got her dressed and didn't think of that conversation again.

Now I'm not saying that she wanted to drown or that it was an insight to what was to happen a sort time later. I just thought it was interesting. Who know that one of my worst fears would come true. And yes I am sooo sad and cry and cry and cry, there are times I think I can't take it.

Things to Remember

Today as I was exercising I had Brookie crawling all around me making it as difficult as she could. I kept having to step over her and try to escape her grabby hands. My thoughts turned to Kamber as I remembered how hard she made it for me to exercise also. Kamber would always crawl all over me when she was little and then as she got older she would mimic anything I would do. It was so cute to watch her do the exercises with me. As she grew she loved to be with me in what ever I was doing and when she got bored she was off to making another mess as quietly as she could. I have a feeling those days are coming soon with Brookie. There will be many new memories of Kamber to come through her growing little sister.

Then a new thought of Kamber came to my mind. I started cleaning this big home that I dread keeping clean. I was thinking of each room in this house and what rooms I dread cleaning the most. I would have to say that my room and Kylie's take the top. Then I thought of when I lived in our other home how fast it was to clean since it was smaller. I could run through that house in a hour and it was all clean and I would wish for a bigger home. I pften wondered if I would ever move to a different home. When we started building this home I couldn't wait to spend sometime here enjoying more room. Now I look back at the excitement this home brought but now I think of the sadness and joy that this home brings. Before we moved here I remember that I couldn't get Kamber to sleep completely through the night. She was almost two and I had another baby on the way and I was desperately wanting a good night sleep. The first night we moved in to this new home was the first time Kamber slept through the night and she did from then on. She must have felt comfortable in our new home. She would even put herself to sleep for naps and bedtime on occasion. I look back now and realize how happy she was here. For awhile now I have wondered if we made the right decision to move here and if Kamber would still be alive if we hadn't. I don't know the answer to that question in my heart quite yet but at times I feel peace with the answer of yes to the move and no Kamber probably still wouldn't be here if we had not moved. There are many times that I feel that it was her time to go and she would have been taken another way. But times it is hard to realize that because I felt that I was doing a good job being her mother and that I loved her enough. So it doesn't make sense that somewhere else would be a better place for her to be, even if that is in heaven.

I just wanted to record my thoughts today and remember that Kamber was at peace in this home and that at one time I felt the same way. Maybe someday I will feel that constant peace again.

Dreams

Last night I must have slept really hard because I don't think I even moved. I went to bed last night feeling a little sad knowing that my husband was having a little bit of a hard time. He misses his little girl.

I fell into a deep sleep and then the dream began. I was playing outside with my kids as my life is now. Kamber was not in it. We had some friends kids over playing with us. From out of the blue my friends youngest child was gone. We looked every where for her. Of course the first place even in my dream was the pool. I searched and searched that pool only to find baby dolls at the bottom. Then there was this huge waterfall that appeared out of no where but in my dream it was in my backyard that some how grew 5 acres. We had many people searching the waterfall and pond. No little girl. I was relieved that she was not in there but it was constantly in the back of my mind as we searched for this little girl. I was sure she probably drown and I was sick to my stomach.

After we searched the streets and every where we could think of I had to tell her mom that she had been kidnapped. I was so sad and sick that my friend had to see what it felt like to miss one of her children. I cried and cried knowing that she and her family were worried about there little girl. Guilt overcame me and it was really hard to endure knowing she was lost on my watch. But for some reason in the back of my mind there was hope that this little girl would be found. I kept saying to myself Heavenly Father will help us find her, I know she will be found. But even with the police involved she could not be found, but we would not give up.

Finally there was a lead to who took her and this person had taken a couple of other little children also. Next thing I knew the police chase was on and they had captured the person that took the kids. All of our friends got on bikes to ride down to where the little children were found. My friends made a huge bow to put on my bike so I could ride for Kamber since I was not going to be reunited with her since she had died. I was so happy for my friend knowing that she did not have to go her whole life without her sweet daughter, that it was just one day. I could not wait for her to hold her little girl in her arms again and I could not wait to see her also.

When we got down to where the children were there were a bunch of people holding pink balloons for the little girls that were taken. I saw my friend and her little girl reunited and it was wonderful. Tears poured down my face for them. I couldn't believe how happy I was for them knowing that my life would not change, I could not have Kamber back in this life time. Then out of the blue I just thought I would ask, "Is Kamber here?" To my surprise the answer was YES! I took off running towards the crowd of kids yelling her name. Then out of the middle of the kids a beautiful blond haired girl came running at me with her arms open yelling MOMMY! She jumped in my arms and we both cried because we love each other so much. I knew it was but a moment but that some day it will be forever.

I miss my sweet girl

I miss my blond haired beauty. I don't feel depressed about it today nor do I feel that I am going to cry, I just miss her. I miss seeing her run around me in circles and hearing her talk. But today I feel I can endure the missing since I have to. I feel that she is near, not to far today. I know that she is happy and doing important work. Maybe since I feel her a little closer today, it is because she misses me too and she just wants to be near. Maybe she misses me picking her up and kissing her cheeks. Maybe she misses me telling her I love her and adoring her. Maybe it is missing me smile at her because of how happy she makes me and that makes her smile. A smile is a little harder to come by most days but I feel today I can even though I miss Kamber. I hope she can feel how much we all love her and can't wait to be with her again.

Kamber, we love and miss you sweet heart. I can feel you near, please know you make me happy!

Happy Birthday to Kamber's Daddy and my sweet Husband!

A sence of Normal or maybe Not

So I have heard so much of the book and movie Twilight. It seemed everyone was enthralled with the book right around the time Kamber died. I actually hadn't heard of it till just a few days after. I was asked by many people if I had read the book and even months after have been asked. To be honest my answer was always no. One because I hadn't read it and two because how could I even think of enjoying something at that particular time. My world was broken and reality had hit really hard. I often thought to myself how are so many people so consumed with this book about a vampire love story when there is so much more meaning to life. There are so many more productive things to do with our lives, like spend time with our kids. At the time this is all that consumed my thoughts and energy. I had just lost one of my precious children how could life even be going on? How could I ever enjoy anything again?

If I read a book it was to learn more about the gospel or life after death and wanted to know everything. I was a sponge willing to soak up anything that would help my heart not to hurt so bad. I wanted somehting to mend the pain, maybe even bring her back or wake me from the bad dream. Day in and day out I couldn't find what I was looking for everything seemed to fall short and still does to this day. But I will have to say that a new sense of normal is creeping back into our lives and I can find joy in some things.

After confrence yesterday I watched the movie Twilight to see what all the fuss was about. I was sucked in. Edward, need I say more? Not someone I would normally be intreged with by looks alone but as the movie played on I began to like this Edward. Something about those eyes and the desire he has for Bella, a desire that I think we all wish that our husbands have for us.

I have to say that Ethan is my Edward. One of the first things that I was drawn to were his eyes and the mysertious side to him. Just one time looking into his eyes I was hooked. I loved that there was a mysterious side to him, a little bit of a bad boy. And bad is probably the wrong word since he wasn't bad just fun and a little crazy. He made my heart melt and still has a way to do that for me now. Just as Bella said she wants to live with Edward forever, I am glad that I get to live with Ethan forever!

Needless to say I will be reading the books and I guess it is okay to enjoy some of what life has to offer.