Finding My Way

This life is so full of ups and downs. I find myself riding this roller coaster at a pretty fast pace. After a few weeks of pure sadness I am seeing some light today. I have had times that I have thought that I have accepted what has happened and then out of no where it is shot down. My anger seems to come and go. It has been more present here lately and I am constantly trying to move past those feelings. But at the same time I feel that it is only healthy to let myself just feel, feel all the emotions that grief has to give in hopes that some day I can heal. I am grateful for family and friends that allow me to express my feelings and try to understand. I am grateful for my angel friends that listen and allow a soft place to fall when ever it is needed. I am so thankful for a husband that lifts me up and is an example to me of what a true kind heart is. I am thankful for each one of my girls and their love they show me and others. There is nothing better than a family and I am so grateful for mine and that we are an eternal family. I love my angel child and I am grateful to feel her presence often. I am also grateful for my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me so that I can be with my family for eternity.

It Makes It Sooo Final... Kamber's Headstone

On Tuesday we got the call that Kamber's headstone had been set on Tuesday afternoon. Ethan and I couldn't wait to see how it turned out. We had know what we wanted and hoped it was as wonderful as we hoped it would be. So many emotions were running through my head. The day that we were told that the headstone was done I just broke down. It had been a while since I had cried that hard. I felt as if my body was going into convulsions. It made it all to real, to final. Why, Why, Why? I don't want this trial! Nobody should have to bury their child and try to pick out the perfect headstone because nothing will be ever good enough. Nothing will ever truly show how beautiful and wonderful she is and that the world was truly better with her in it! Oh, how hard this life can be.

So needless to say I was scared, scared of my emotions, scared of what I would see. Would I be okay with it or would it send me into a downward spiral that I try so hard not to get in to. I went and picked out some flowers. Daisies, that is what I wanted and they were perfect. White on the outside to represent how pure Kamber is and yellow on the inside and reflect how vibrant and full of life she is. And the daisy as a whole is beautiful to look at just like Kamber. As I approached the headstone with my family all gathered around and watching me as I walked up my heart was pumping. I walked up and laid flowers down and started at the beautiful headstone that represented my daughter that body lays there. It was beautiful, just how Ethan and I wanted it to look. Yes, it makes it real and seem so final but it is nice to have something for her. I am sad because that is the last thing that I can do for my little girl. I feel as though there is nothing else I can give her or do for her. My duty as her mom seems so empty and I long to do things for her. I love and miss her just as her daddy and sisters.


Our family around Kambers Headstone.

Ethan and I.

Buddies!

This is a picture of my Kylie bear and Kamber. Kylie got to spend the most time with Kamber since Kylie went to half day young learners last year. Kylie was the closest in age to Kamber and she loved to play with her. You usually would find Kamber if you found Kylie. Kylie's room was always a mess and Kylie would claim it was because of Kamber, which I am sure she did help to make the mess; but with Kamber gone Kylie's room really hasn't been that much cleaner!

Kylie seems to be struggling the most with the loss of Kamber and it breaks my heart. Today my husbands secretary who's name is Amber came to the house. I walked out to the garage to tell Ethan that Amber was here and Kylie was behind me and said " Mommy is Kamber's here?!" Her eyes lit up and she had a look of excitement on her face as if waiting for me to say "Yes! She is right here." Oh how I wish that could have been my response for her. My heart broke once again to have to say " no, not Kamber." I wonder if in the little head of Kylie's that she thinks that Kamber will some day walk through our door and things will be back to normal. Or maybe she holds on the the faith that she will some day see her again, Some day...

Which is the truth, One Day... One Wonderful Day We Will See Kamber Again!

As a Child

This weekend we went quad riding as a family with some friends. My girls love to explore and ride on the quads with daddy. It was fun to have a big group of us out for the day enjoying the nice weather. We went down to Sycamore Creek for our day of fun. I found a new love, my husbands Banshee that he has done some modifications to so it will go faster than it was made to run. I have always had a little fear of this quad since it was the one that Ethan and I were thrown off of when we were dating just before we got married.

I decided it would be fun if my friends and I went for a drive on the quads just ourselves. My friend Amy rode her quad that is an automatic hunting quad that can go over anything. My friend Valerie got our Raptor that is fast but not as scary as the Banshee and my husband chose the Banshee for me since I have a little more experience riding quads than my friends. I was scared to death but didn't want anyone to know. I hopped on the quad and started it up and drove as safe as I could down to the open area of the creek. My friends came down and took off leaving me in their dust. My competitive side kicked in and thought "Oh no you didn't." I threw that quad into first gear and peeled out. It scared me at first to feel the power and it went faster than I was ready for it to go but then something inside me loved it. First, second, third, top of third okay maybe that was fast enough since I didn't know the trail all that well. As the day went on I rode that quad as much as I could. I found myself as a child again. I found water and splashed through it and couldn't seem to get enough of it. Normally I wouldn't want to get wet from head to toe but I didn't care that day. We had so much fun. My girls were playing together with their friends and they were so happy. I found myself thinking of Kamber and the fun she would have had. She had a love or life I have never seen before. I found myself feeling some of the spirit that she had. It didn't matter how dirty we got, we were having fun and enjoying each other.

After days of being depressed and sad I needed a weekend to just enjoy my family and friends and just let loose. It is amazing how fun life can be through the eyes of a child.

Brighter Days, Till...

The past couple of days have been brighter! I look forward to days that I can get out of bed and do my daily routine and feel some sort of hope. Today was one of those days till... I was going through one of my cupboards and saw the container that I have a piece of Kamber's hair in. At the hospital I braided a piece of Kamber's beautiful blond hair and cut off a piece to have. I don't touch it all that often because it is the only tangible thing that is truly her. I can still smell her in her hair but it is mostly the way she smelt that last day I saw her alive and then held her lifeless body in my arms.

Today seeing and holding her hair triggered something in me. I held it tight and then put it down telling Heavenly Father that "Today I am Angry. " "I am angry that Kamber had to go!" I could feel the anger throughout my body and then I could feel my body slump over. Why, Why do I feel this way? Why do I have to endure? I don't want just memories of my sweet daughter, I want her here. I MISS HER.

I understand the plan but yet I don't. I love the memories but yet I don't. I want time to fly by but yet I don't. This road I travel is lonely and ugly. I miss my sweet little girl.

I send love and hugs to all those who have lost a child. The pain is great but in the end our pain is promised the be reciprocated one hundred fold.

Accepting

Do you ever get to the point in grief that you actually accept the loss? I have felt that lately I have done pretty good. I felt that I have been accepting that Kamber is gone and looking forward to the day that I get to see her again. Just when you think that all is okay a wave comes and takes you down. I woke up this morning feeling sick but not because I am physically sick right now but that emotionally, spiritually, mentally sick feeling. The longing to see Kamber this morning. It was horrible waking up and knowing I can't just walk into her room and see her. Why does this have to linger every day. This is not a battle I want to trudge through, some day s I want to just give up and not get out of bed. Do I really have to face this reality day after day? The answer is always, YES.

It is so exhausting to feel okay some days and then angry other days. It is not mind over matter, it is what it is and it is HARD. I do know that I will be with Kamber again and I know that she does come around us and those times are wonderful. But I am human and it is hard not to have her physically here. Time goes on and this day will soon pass and hopefully tomorrow will bring happier feelings.

The Pieces of my Heart

It is amazing when enduring hard trials there is growth as a person during those times. I have always considered myself a spiritually strong person with a close relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My faith has been tested from time to time but nothing like the here and now. When Kamber first died I don't think I had ever been more close to my Heavenly Father or my family. I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost like I have never flet before. I felt strong and knew my little girl was being taken care of. After the first couple of weeks the reality started to set in. I realized that Kamber had really died and that I was not waking up from the bad dream, IT WAS MY REALITY. My heart, testimony, and every thing I knew about was shattered into a million pieces. I found myself looking at the pieces that at one time formed what I thought was me and didn't recognize them at all. How could this have happen to my family? My world was spinning. Little by little I have tried to pick up the pieces and I think it is going to take a life time to put them back together. Each piece I am finding is different now, the peices don't look the same and sometimes don't fit the mold so I lay them back down and search for another one. Time doesn't seem to heal, it just takes life in to different feelings and meanings. My testimony has grown and other times I wonder what I truly believe. I always seem to find my way back to the teachings of the gospel and how grateful I am for it. It doesn't take the pain away but it is nice to have it to cling to especially through this sort of trial.

Since Kamber's passing we have had an outflow of people reaching out to us. We had never know the true amount of friends or have never been ones to so freely talk about our beliefs and share our testimony. Ethan and I have had many people ask us about the gospel and it has been great to share it with others. There is always a special spirit when we talk of our testimony of eternal families. We don't only believe that we will see Kamber again but that we will be together as a family unit as we are now. I will still be married to the love of my life and my girls will still be sisters and we will enjoy each other as we do now. That is one of the greatest gifts that Heavenly Father has given us!

I won't ever be grateful for the trial of Kamber dieing but I feel I can be grateful for the things I learn along the path of making my way back to my Heavenly Father. Some days I can't see any good and could care less for things learned and the happiness of other families. But there are many times I can see the sweetness of my Fathers love for me and my family. I see the special spirit that Kamber is and how grateful we are to have her in our family. We did something right for Heavenly Father to trust us with one of his most righteous children and I would endure all this pain over again to have Kamber in our lives and waiting for me when I die, that will be a wonderful day! For now I try to enjoy every minute with my family and pick up the peices to my heart very slowly. I want to make every piece one to remember.

1st Birthday in Heaven

I want to start off by thanking every one that brought over flowers, gifts, cards and took time to say hi and call on the phone to wish Kamber a Happy Birthday. The show of Love and support to our family was amazing. I woke up in the morning to purple balloons on my home and down the neighborhood streets and homes. It was so fun to see all the purple and then a sign was put in our lawn that said " We Love U Larsens!" I was fun to see how much people really did care for us and remembered our sweet Kamber. I spent most the morning answering the phone or answering the door to beautiful flowers for Kamber. My home smells so good thanks to the flowers delivered. I received beautiful gifts that were heart felt and had beautiful meaning behind them that I will keep forever. Thank you to all who had kind words and came to celebrate Kambers Birthday!


Here are some pictures of her big day.

Here was are standing in front of Kambers grave.

The sign in our yard.

Here is Kambers grave decorated with purple flowers, pinwheels, and birthday balloons!

This is the balloon release. We had 45 balloons in purple and pink. There was one white balloon that was Kambers angel balloon. We had little papers tied to the balloon with special messages for Kamber.

Kambers Birthday cake, Tayler and Kylie had the honors of blowing out Kambers candle.

This is a blanket with Kambers picture on it. This blanket is beautiful! Shasta found a way for me to give Kamber hugs any time I want!

Kamber's Birthday!

Happy Birthday Kamber! She would be 3 yrs. old today. We are so happy to have had Kamber in our life for her short time on earth. We know she is with us today and can see all that we are doing to remember her.

We love you sweetheart and hope you have a Happy Birthday!

Scroll down to see some of our favorite pics. of Kamber.


Last Family picture.

Proud big sister. She loved Brookie!

Easter this year.

Turning 2 yrs.

Kamber's 2nd Birthday Party! She was so cute.

Kamber loved to smile like this to make us laugh.

Our snow trip on Kamber's 2nd Birthday. She loved the snow!

Kamber was more interested in the bow from her presents than her gifts.

Kamber's 1st Birthday! We had heart balloons and pink cupcakes. Kamber loved eating her first cupcake.

Best Friends!

Proud Daddy and big sisters!

Kamber was born February 10, 2006. We were so happy to have another cute little girl!

Kamber's Daddy

Let me tell you about Kamber's Daddy. I don't mention him much on the blog and he chooses not to write his feelings. But I don't want him to go unnoticed or be in the background because he is the center of our world. I have always said there is something special between a dad and his daughters. Especially with Ethan and Kamber. Ethan seemed to be Kambers favorite person in the whole world. You could tell that he was wonderful in her eyes! Kamber didn't like it when daddy would leave for work and she always had to give him a hug and kiss before he left and she was the first person at the door when he came home. Ethan always had time to play with the girls no matter how tired he was. He loved teaching Kamber the animal sounds and saying I Love You! Kamber loved to give her daddy big hugs and kisses. Each night Kamber would hop on Ethan's lap and that is where she would fall asleep. You could see Ethan's heart melt each time he would kiss her goodnight and lay her in bed. Ethan loves his little girls and misses Kamber but he clings to the faith that he will be with her again.

Ethan has been our rock through this trial. He has an optimistic personality and trys to look for the good in any situation. Standing 6"5 ft. and with his deep voice he can seem intimidating but he is truly the biggest teddy bear you will ever meet. He has the biggest heart and a love for life. Kamber seemed to get her heart from her daddy. I know Kamber watches over her daddy everyday and she can't wait to be able to throw her arms around his neck once again. Kamber loves her Daddy and we are so grateful to have him in our lives!

Kamber is Here!

This morning I walked outside to throw some things away in the garbage and it felt wonderful outside. I thought to myself "What a beautiful day!" I walked through our gate and looked over towards the pool. We have a big pot of beautiful purple flowers near our pool and the sight was beautiful today. As I looked at the flowers I had an overwhelming feeling of Kambers presence and the thought came to me again, What a Beautiful Day! It was as if I could feel what Kamber was saying. I kept looking over at the flowers to see if I could see her presence but I couldn't. But the feeling of her there was almost overwhelming. I didn't want to walk away but I knew I needed to get inside so I could get my girls ready for school. As I walked back through the gate I took one last look and a second to just feel and thought to myself " I know you are here Kamber and it is a beautiful day."

I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father and daughter that allow me to still feel their presence and that they reassure me that they love me. I know that Heavenly Father knows each one of us individually and he really does want us to be happy. Trials are a part of this life and I know there is a purpose behind them as hard as they might be. We somehow are to learn and grow. I hope I am doing just that so I can stand before him some day and say that I endured well. I did my best to learn and Kamber's life wasn't lost in vain.

Thank you Kamber for coming to me today and reminding me of the beauty of the simple things in life! I Love You.

Sunday Lessons

I walked into Relief Society and my eyes caught the picture sitting on the table. It was a picture of a new born baby. My first thought was how cute and as I walked closer I could see an oxygen tube in the babies nose. I sat down next to one of my friends and just stared at the picture. I immediately felt anxious thinking about what the lesson might be. I continued to stare at the baby in the picture thinking of the innocence and joy a child brings and how much I love my girls and thought of my angel Kamber. I turned to my friend and said "I don't think I am going to like this lesson because of that picture." She immediately put her arms on my shoulder to comfort me. As the lesson began I noticed myself tuning out as I continued to look at the picture of the sweet baby. I thought to myself that this baby is someones child and I was pretty sure the baby had passed away or had many complications and maybe had a miracle outcome. I started to think what if this baby is a miracle baby and Heavenly Father granted this family the miracle of saving his life so that they can enjoy him on this earth? I thought "oh no. I can't handle hearing about that. What about my miracle? Who saved my daughter from deaths grips? Nobody..." Soon after my sadness and anxiousness my feelings turned to peace as I remembered the comfort I felt as Kamber passed away, we knew in our heart that she was gone and in the prayer said by my husband before Kamber was transported to the hospital was that Kamber would be okay and we knew what the outcome and answer was. She was okay in our Heavenly Fathers arms.
Soon after the teacher started telling her story of her grandson Brookie started screaming. Maybe this was a blessing for me not to hear the details of the short life of this baby. I am glad that I could feel some peace at this time about that little boy and my Kamber knowing where they are and how special they are. Feeling peace doesn't take the pain away behind the loss but it does help us to endure.

Dear Kamber

Last night I was having a hard time expressing how I felt to Ethan. I wasn't angry but I was upset. I missed Kamber so much. I was really sad but I guess was accepting the fact that she is gone. My heart just ached so I decided to write Kamber a letter to tell her how I felt.

Dear Kamber,
I miss you so much tonight. I have been fighting back the tears and somehow I just can't let them flow. I miss seeing you play with your sisters. Today Brookie is wearing one of your outfits that Tristyn gave you for Christmas when you were little. Brookie is getting so big and I know you would have so much fun playing with her. She squints her nose just like you use to. It is so fun to see part of you in her.

I was staring at one of your pictures tonight and I was thinking about how beautiful you are. Your eyebrows are perfectly shaped. You have beautiful big blue eyes that remind me of Grandpa Leonard. You have the cutest straight teeth with big luscious lips that when you smile it lights up your whole face. I love your blonde hair and I miss the smell and touch of it. I miss seeing your cute little legs sticking out of your shorts and especially when you would wear a night gown. But most of all I miss your hugs, kisses, and hearing you say "I Love You!" You were my world and you brought so much excitement and love to our family. It is almost like I can't believe you are really gone. I never thought this would be a part of my life. I never thought I would lose one of my beautiful daughters. I don't understand it. Really, Why did you have to go? I would have taught you well and you would have never lacked being loved. I would have done a good job taking care of you and trying my best to make you happy. I know you are in heaven and it is a special place but, I would have done my best to make here in our home special too.

I guess I am realizing that we have no say when we return to our Heavenly home. For some reason you were to return leaving us after only 2 1/2 years. What I can gather is that you are to special and pure for this wicked world. We knew before you were born that you were special, you have a light about you that was captivating. I feel lucky to have been chosen to be your mom. I have so much still to learn and I will do my best to learn well so I can have a chance to raise you again some day.

I just want you to know how much I love and miss you. Your daddy and sisters love and miss you so much. You are always in our prayers and we hope that you are having a wonderful time surrounded by people that love you. I will love you always my sweet Kamber.

Love your Mommy!

6 Months

Today marks 6 months since our sweet Kamber passed away. It is interesting how your body just knows. Ethan and I couldn't help but wake up this morning with a sadness in our hearts and a longing to see Kamber running into our room as she did every morning. You don't know what we would have given to hear her sweet voice and see her beautiful smiling face! I didn't want to go to church today but somehow I mustered up the courage and took my girls and left Ethan at home with our sick baby Brookie. I found myself avoiding Sunday School and talking with a good friend of mine about life. Relief Society was good but made me nervous as the lesson started. I didn't want a lesson I would cry through, specially not today. I made it through and now I am safe in my home free to let my feelings out as I need.

Six months, has it really been that long and yet not long at all. It feels like eternity since I have seen Kamber.We just miss her today.

We love You Kamber!

Write A Book ?

I have been told by many that maybe I should write a book. My response is always " Your funny." My husband told me today that as he was showering and he was thinking that maybe I should write a book on my experiences about Kamber. I was totally shocked that my husband thought the same that others had felt and a thought that had passed through my mind but one that I have always put aside. I know that I don't have the best grammar or spelling and maybe sometimes the way I word things don't make sense but, I write how I feel at the time and the way I would talk to someone if they were standing right in front of me.

I have had some really neat experiences and many that I do not post on the blog but, I always record them. I have been told that I am very real and raw about my emotions on the blog and that many people feel it is refreshing. This is not how I have always been throughout my life but something has changed in me and hopefully it is for the better. I don't want to sugar coat my life because Life is Hard. People tend to understand the loss of a mother, father, grandparents and etc. but I have noticed there seems to be no understanding behind the loss of a child. It is actually something that people would rather not even have to think about. Life is different after you lose a child in a very dramatic way. Sad to say but you are treated different. There is a shift in your life and in the life of your family, one that you would rather not have but it is there without any warning.

I have read some books on grief and haven't found any that are really real about the grief of a mother. I would like something that tells of the dark side and then tells of the most uplifting and glorious experiences that Heavenly Father allows a mother to experience. The blessings and the hardships of a loss that cannot even be explained. To others that read they get only a little glimpse to the heart ache but, to the families that have endured this loss it is a validation of their feelings. This would be the purpose of a book, to help others. This is just a thought and I kind of feel retarded even mentioning it but, the subject has come up many times. Anyways, this post is just to get some feed back. What do you think?

A Mind Is A Powerful Thing

Last night I had a bad dream. I don't remember any pictures or necessarily any details but I have figured out what the dream was about. In my dream I was running and screaming, the exact scream I had when I found Kamber. I felt the rush of energy and panic that I felt that day. I also felt the shock and numbness that over come my body when the doctors told me that there is nothing else they can do and realizing that Kamber is really gone. I can remember the feeling of realizing that I really have no control over what happens to my children and that it doesn't matter how good of a parent you are or how much you love your child and do good things that bad things happen. There was also the realization that how much I know and believe in the plan of salvation it doesn't make all the heart ache go away and instantly mend your heart. At the end of the dream it took my breath away as I realized that Kamber has really died and yes this is my reality in my dream and when I wake. I was thankful that last night I didn't have to see the pictures along with the feelings and emotions but, as I woke I knew my mind already knew the pictures that go with the story. What a blessing it was to just feel those feelings and not have the pictures playing out at the same time as hard as it was to feel. I think that Heavenly Father knew if that had happened it would have sent my back into a spiral downward. Heavenly Father can't protect us from everything but, he can give us little tender mercies to help us stay balanced.

San Diego

The day after Christmas we went to San Diego for a much needed break from reality. We met our friends the McNeil's and the Nash's for a weekend of fun. Here was one of our favorite spots. We went to Sea Port Village and saw the aircraft carriers. These boats are huge! We were going to do a tour but it is expensive and there were a lot of stairs and with our chunk a bunka Brookie it would have been hard. We had a lot o fun on this trip. We missed Kamber and knew she would have loved all the fun things we did. I will post more on my family blog soon.

This was our first Christmas party for the season. Family Tradition on Ethan's side of the family is to meet with the Greer side of the family and eat yummy green chili burros, good desserts, sing songs, do a nativity with all the kids and read the book Turkey Trot. I was a little nervous about going not knowing how I would feel but it did okay. Each year they have someone in each family introduce their family because there are always new member due to new children being born. This year I fought back the tears as my family was introduced and one member was missing. It was hard not to hear Kambers name and seeing her run around with all the other cousins. Then we sing the twelve days of Christmas and each month represents each day. So all the January birthdays sing the first day, February birthdays sing the second day etc. Well, Kamber being a February birthday again one person was missing, not that she could sing but she was missing. The party continued on and we made it through, I know she was with us in spirit and I am grateful for that. The above picture is Brookie playing the baby Jesus, Tayler was Mary, and Kylie in the background as an angel. How perfect was it for Kylie to play the angel, last year that is the part that Kamber played.

The Pool Picture

I don't think I have spoken about the significance of the picture I have on the blog. Why would I have a picture of Kamber in the pool when that is what took her life? I worried about other people might think when I had this picture among many at the funeral and wondered what thoughts would go through people head as it was put as the header for my Kamber blog. Then I decided I don't care what people think, this picture is very special to me and my family.

A couple of months before Kamber died we went as a family to Las Vegas. This was a yearly tradition that was started by my brother and sister in law and his family. They go each year for my bro. in laws dads convention and they have invited us to go with the past few years. I was reluctant to go the first year not liking what Las Vegas had to offer but, it has turned into one of our families favorite vacations. Not every thing is bad there and it is what you choose to do that can be bad or good. Our time there is spent swimming in the huge pools and playing in the waterfalls during the day with a nice nap in the middle from being exhausted chasing kids from one pool to the next. We love to take the kids to the adventure dome at Circus Circus and let them ride the rides. The Stratosphere is always fun for the kids to feel they are on top of the world. The knight show at Excalibur is a fun dinner and show for the kids, and some nights are fun just hanging out in the hotel room and ordering room service. This vacation is always fun and relaxing doing what ever we want. But our favorite part is the pool during the day. I don't know a kid who doesn't like to be in the water. Our Kamber was a little fish! During this last vacation Kamber would jump in the pool head first with her floaties on out to Uncle BJ. She had no fear! She of course wouldn't go very far under the water because her floaties wouldn't allow her to but, she loved it and would hop out and do it over and over again. This made the lifeguards nervous and one came over and told us that she had to stop jumping in unless she would jump feet first. Well being two she didn't like being told no and continued a couple more times and then gave up. It was after that she swam over to me and sat on the steps. I thought she looked so cute so I grabbed my camera to take a picture. At first she didn't want me to take her picture and then it became a game. Finally she sat still enough and gave me a silly grin. I had forgotten about this picture till after she died and we were finding pictures we wanted framed for the funeral. This one showed up and tears just flowed from Ethan and my eyes. There was the perfect picture to treasure for always. It captures her beauty, personality and her favorite thing to do in the whole world. The very thing that made her so happy and the very thing that took her life. This picture is perfect and will always have a special spot in our home. It is constant reminder of the fun we had as a family and to continue to try and enjoy life as Kamber did.

Return to Kamber.

Every time I sign out of my Kamber blog the next screen that pulls up says Return to Kamber. Each time I think in my head if you only knew how much I wish to Return to Kamber. I think it is interesting that the screen says that but, I kind of like it. It reminds me each day to try hard and always strive to be a better person so that I can Return to Kamber. I am learning many lessons through this trial and one is that I don't have to be perfect and Heavenly Father doesn't expect that from me. As long as I am doing the best I can at the time then Heavenly Father will make up the rest. He understands my feelings and how hard this trial is for me. He must know that some how I will find a way to endure it and make it back to him and Kamber.

Having to endure the loss of Kamber puts new meaning on the thought I would do anything for my children. I can honestly say yes. I would lose having Kamber here for a long life on earth with me to guarantee her Celestial life in Heaven. We as a family were willing to take on this challenge just to have her be a part of our family. It is a blessing to have such a special child, though the challenge of the trial at times seems unbearable. You see, sometimes I can see the big picture and often the natural man steps in and puts blinders on and I can only see what is being handed to me at the time. It is an up and down roller coaster and moving to the top is very steep and can take a long time to reach. Just like a roller coaster getting to the bottom only takes seconds.

I am grateful for my Kamber blog that I can write my feelings and have an outlet for some of my pain. I am thankful to have something that I can pass down to family members for them to read and maybe it will be something that can show strength and growth amidst my trials.

I LOVE YOU TOO!

Okay so truth be told I have been struggling a lot the past few months. My emotions are so mixed and life is just hard and that is an understatement. One strong emotion I have had is that I have been mad at the whole situation of Kamber being gone and if I were to blame anyone for her death it would be me and I guess Heavenly Father for not letting me know Kamber was in danger so I could save her. There are so many people that get promptings and are able to save people and I felt nothing. For the first time in my life I haven't truly known what I believe anymore. I know what my heart tells me but, my mind doesn't want to believe it. I felt as if I have been standing alone with no help, I have felt nothing. My mind has just been spinning round and round. I have found myself just wanting to give up and not have to worry about anything anymore.

I was talking to Candi last night about how I have really felt and she just listened and validated my feelings. She didn't try to preach to me or worry if I was loosing my testimony. She didn't run to her scriptures and find a verse to try and make it better, nor did she ask me if I was saying my prayers, going to church, the temple, reading my scriptures, having family home evening, and trying to be perfect in every way. She just listened and made me feel that it is okay to have hard times, it is okay not to be perfect in everything you do. Heavenly Father knows when you are doing the best you can at the time. All of my family tells me I am doing so good, but I don't let people see me on my hard days but, here lately I haven't been able to control it as well. I have thought that if people saw the hard times then it would mean I am weak and maybe I really can't endure this trial. The biggest thing about not wanting people to see me cry is that people tend to stare. It is different when it is family watching you cry because I can see the pain and understanding in their eyes, they feel it to. But people I don't know that well, I don't like to let my emotions out. That is part of why church is so hard for me right now. I know the members in my ward will understand but I just don't like it and the lessons don't always make me feel better, many times I leave worse than I was before I got there. This has nothing to do with the teachers, it is just part of my life right now. Trust me I feel the spirit very often but sometimes you don't want to hear all about what you already know, you just want to know that what you are feeling is okay. It is truly okay to be sad about Kamber even though she is in Heaven.

Now that I have rambled I will get back to what I was talking to Candi about. I told her that I just wished that Heavenly Father would let Kamber come to see me every once in a while and let me maybe talk to her. I have felt like she was taken and I was left to deal and be torchered. These words have also been in my prayers every night and that I was sorry that I felt that way but, deep down I have felt that Heavenly Father understood my feelings. Well, last night he must have heard me and felt that I have suffered enough because Kamber came to me in a dream. I am not going to go into detail about my dream but, I will tell you that she said
"I LUV U!" and hugged me and I told her "I LOVE YOU TOO!" and held her. The entire dream was so real and lasted what seemed like a day, it was a wonderful time with her. I have always wondered if Kamber really knew how much I love her and if she loved me as much as I loved her. Had she forgiven me for not being able to save her? I feel that my questions were answered last night and I now have a stronger testimony of the love that Heavenly Father has for me. He let me have that experience that I so needed to be able to deal a little l0nger even though I had been so angry with him. Trials aren't meant to torcher they are meant for us to learn as hard as it may be on us and for Heavenly Father to have to let us go through them. I am thankful for my experience last night with Kamber.

My little sweetheart "I LUV YOU TOO!"

We Went Out Of Town

We went out of town the day after Christmas to California. It was great! I didn't have to think of anything other than what we were doing for the day. Once my computer is fixed I will post pictures of our vacation. I am noticing it is hard to come home. I am back surrounded by all the reminders of what is missing. I don't feel Kamber as often and I wonder if that is just how it will be as time goes on. I am noticing that I hate this house and love it all at the same time. I hate that every where I look I see reminders of her,every where and some days it is more than I can handle and other days it makes me happy. But, I can't imagine living any where else right now. This is the place with the last memories of Kamber. Christmas was Kambers 5 month mark, wasn't that nice little spin to add to the day? It wasn't all horrible though, it made it bitter- sweet.
As a mom having to deal with this sort of loss 5 months out does not make things any better and no it is not enough time to get over the fact that my daughter is gone.

While we were on vacation someone asked my husband the dreaded question with all of us standing right there. So you have 3 beautiful girls? My husband hesitated and then popped out actually we have 4 daughters, my 2 year old passed away a few months ago. Her mouth dropped and I could see the sadness in her eyes as she turned to me and asked How do you get over that? My response was You don't. She shook her head as though she was agreeing with me.

That is it YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T! You find ways to deal with it everyday and some days you deal with it better than others but you don't ever get over it.
So now I am back to reality and plugging along because vacations are not realities,this here at home is. Some days that reality is really, really good and those are days that I can pull myself together and really enjoy my family.

Happy New Year!

It is a new year and hopefully will be filled with fun and exciting moments just waiting to be memories for years to come. 2008 is the year that definitely has changed mine and my families life forever. What a jam packed year of ups and downs, some memories so fun and exciting (Brookie being born and fun vacations!) and others memories that have brought the most sadness I have ever endured. (the loss of Kamber) The year also brought lots of growth spiritually and of course physically since we are another year older and closer to 30. Would I change last year, I don't really know. I don't regret how much time we spent together as a family, I did have Kamber in my life for a short time and that last 7 months with her probably was the most fun, and we developed lots of beautiful memories in those last 7 months. Do I wish she never died, of course I do but would I bring her back now that she is with our Heavenly Father and in a perfect place, no way. I would sacrifice it all again just to have had her with us for that short time.

We are learning and growing every day and I am sure 2009 is going to be a struggle for us in every aspect but I know there will be lots of growth and learning that will come with this new year and new trial. We hope every one has a great new year to come.

Starting this new year I may not post everyday, I will post as often as I feel the need as I move through the emotions of loosing my sweet Kamber.
A Christmas post will be coming soon, when I feel that I can handle diving back into that emotional day.

Lots of Love,
Jen

My First Christmas With Jesus

My First Christmas With Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the
Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside
your heart.But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. After all, love
is a gift more precious than pure gold.It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep
each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

This poem was given to me by a sweet reader, Kim.
Thank you of the comforting poem and I am trying to focus on the wonderful Christmas Kamber gets to have.
This will be my post for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday!
Love,
The Larsen Family

Here we go

Tonight is our first Holiday party to go to. It is a tradition on my husbands side of the family to do a Christmas party with Grandma and Grandpa Greer's side of the family. We get to see extended family that we don't see that often during the year. I look forward to it every year and so do my girls. This year I have to admit I am a little anxious knowing that my Kamber is missing out on the fun of being with her cousins. Actually it has been bothering me a lot, I couldn't even sleep last night. I have tried to avoid the fact that Christmas is coming but now there is no avoiding because it is here. I want my girls to enjoy there Christmas and all the fun family things we do. I wish there was a handbook to tell families that have lost a child the best way to deal with the holidays is... Nope no handbook, we get to figure this one out on our own just like everything else.

I am trying to focus on the fact that Christmas is about Christ but, it brings me a 360 back to thinking about Kamber. I wouldn't get to be with Kamber again without Christ. Kamber is in Heaven with Christ and as happy as that makes me at times to know she is happy and safe, it makes me horribly sad also to not get to see her happy face and that is really hard to take. I would not have her come back to this earth now after being in a perfect place with so much happiness but it is sure hard being left behind. I hope she knows we miss her and love her but want her to have the best Christmas ever!

Bills

I think another one of the hardest things in grief to deal with is the medical bills that you have to pay for a child that is no longer living. The people on the other end have NO sympathy! All I ever seem to hear is that we are not paying enough. WHAT? In this economy they should be grateful that they at least have someone paying them period, right? We happen to be lucky enough to be able to pay our bills even the ones that I wish we could just walk away from and it is not enough. The hospital worked on Kamber for about 10 min., maybe a little longer but no more than about 20 before they called it and the bill is outrageous! I am not blaming the rudeness of the people in their billing on anyone that worked so hard to save Kambers life and I truly believe that there was nothing anyone here on earth could have done to save her but, the billing department could be more kind.

Life is just hard in so many ways with out Kamber here and I wold have paid millions of dollars and have it take my whole life to pay off for the chance of someone being able to save her life. It is just hard especially when you are trying your best, being honest and paying what you can to make sure the wonderful people that really tried to save my little get paid.

We do have a family friend that is so kind to help with this hospital bill and make the payments a little more reasonable. Thanks, Brent!

Gone Too Soon

This is a title for a book that I have read and I have mentioned it on this blog before. I have found a quote that I like but don't feel that of now I feel the emotions that it talks about, but maybe some day.

I feel that Kamber is "Gone Too Soon" my hear aches for her. I am happy for her, she has made It! BUt yet I am so sad for me, my husband, my girls, and all the other family and friends that hurt with the absence of Kamber. That is what stinks, we are left here to fight through this HARD battle. Do you see how a mother is torn in so many directions? This is why it is so confusing. You long for your little one but yet know you need to be happy for them. Because as a parent you only want what is best for your kids, right? That is always what I have wanted, I just never thought that I would loose a child. We knew she was special in her own way, but Wow. I know that each one of my children are special spirits reserved for our home and have come at there appointed time. There is so much beauty in that, maybe some day when I get my head somewhat screwed back on we can have another little spirit come stay with us for a while and for my own selfish reasons stay longer that 2 years.

Here is the quote by Sherri D. Whittwer the Author of the book Gone Too Soon:

Perhaps the most exciting element in this stage is that the true greatness and resilience of the human spirit becomes apparent in many lives. Those who endure tragedy can claim to have truly lived - to have experienced every human emotion in the spectrum. Those who survive tragedy join the elite group of mankind who have suffered and triumphed over the depths of despair.

The Bereaved

Bereaved People are like Ducks:

Above the Surface.....Looking Composed and Unruffled
Below the Surface.....Paddling Like Crazy

Secret Santa!

We have had a Secret Santa coming to our home for the past few nights. I admit we have tried to catch him but he is way to sneaky us. Actually we really don't want to know because then that takes the fun out of it. My girls look forward every night to seeing what the Santa will bring! We are grateful for this person bringing a little joy to each day during this very hard time. Were would this world be without the Secret Santa's. Thanks to who ever it is I don't know if you read this blog or not but if so thanks for bringing a smile to my girls faces each day.

We also have had the Young Women in our ward do the 12 days of Christmas in a basket for my girls and they have really enjoyed it also. It is the little things that can make all the difference! Thanks Fremont Hill Young Women!

Look At my little Elves!

Here is the link to watch my little elves dance!

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/fAYmldnMGLuHcpic

Trying to Learn

I want to post for memories later, even though I am still struggling. I am trying every day to learn as I move through this anger. I think it is going to take time and I would rather not elaborate on my feelings until a later date. I continue to do my best as I survive each day and survive is just a down play on my feelings. I guess I didn't realize that these emotions would really come for me. But here they are and I am doing my best.

Kamber Tree

Here is my Kamber Tree and my angel that I found. You can't see all the decorations that I have on my tree but, you can see the purple! Up close the tree looks nice and I am happy with how it turned out for this year. It is still a little bare but that is great because each year we will be adding a new ornament to the tree. I am so happy to have the little angel beside my tree to represent Kamber. Next year I will be decorating my angel, I saw a really cute idea at Michael's.

Anyways here it is and we are glad to have beauty to add to our home. These sort of things will have to do for now since we can't have Kambers beauty here right now.

My anger is not at anybody or from anything that someone has done. It is just part of the grief process another emotions that I have to go through. This feeling is not directed at anyone and doesn't mean that I will be mean or have nasty comments to say. I am just angry that Kamber is gone and that I can't have her here. This is what I am feeling. This is the cold hard truth, and the raw reality of my life. It is what it is and it stinks that I can't change anything. People don't usually see this side of me and that is why when I am told that I am strong I usually say that I am not. Many people don't see me on my bad days, I only let very few people in during that time. So, here it is I am mad and so sad that it physically hurts, just because I look ok on the outside doesn't mean that it is how I feel on the outside. As time goes on for now I doesn't really get easier which I know that is what people expect or hope for. It is a dark road at times to travel down.

Anger

I'm just angry, sad, and confused. I don't know what to feel or how to change it. Life SUCKS and there is nothing that I can do about it! Please no comments for today.

Going Crazy

Okay, I really thought that after the Christmas party last week that my days would be much more calm. Who was I kidding? I am just as busy now as I was then and now I am freaking out. UMMM Christmas is exactly two weeks from TODAY. Do think I have bought one person anything? NOPE... I have to say that part of me thinks that if I pretend that Christmas is not really coming so soon then it will go away. That is a logical way to think, huh? Well since it is not going away and I will have to face the true reality of what my Christmas will be, then I guess I should get busy. Since I have procrastinated I have to deal with the stress. Two weeks should be enough time, cross my fingers. It will be interesting going out to by gifts for my family knowing I am missing one but, it is one more thing that I can't avoid and have to face head on, so here is goes!

Temple Lights

I totally forgot my camera last night when we went to see the temple lights. My family knows that this is routine for me, what don't I forget! Anyways, we went with our friends the McNeil's to see the lights. This is one of the things I remember doing with Kamber at Christmas time. Ethan would put her on his shoulders as we would walk around. She would always give a little giggle at getting to be so high. I can clearly remember the sound of her giggle and the look on her face. We always enjoyed our time there and my girls love the lights. This year was no different. Instead of Kamber on daddy's shoulders Brookie got the privilege. Brookie is growing up so fast that she has grown out of the jackets I had for her so I found one of Kambers jackets that she wore when she was 24 months old. It was a little big on her but not bad. I couldn't believe the resemblance I saw as she was put on top of Ethans shoulders with Kambers gray jacket on. She was so cute. I was so peaceful walking around the temple grounds and seeing the new things that they have done this year. If you haven't gone yet this year, try and take some time with your family to go. I will be well worth the trip to spend time as a family feeling the spirit of Christmas and having another reminder that Christmas is about the birth of thy Son Jesus Christ.

The Finishing Touch

So I have been saying for the past month or so that we are going to get Kamber's headstone ordered. Well it didn't happen till yesterday. I know, some of you are wondering why I would take this long to get it ordered. Well I won't go into much detail because, no offence, there is a good chance you won't fully understand. Here is one little reason why, to me it makes her life here on earth final. That's it period. It means every time I go down to the cemetery that I will see a piece of rock that I tried so hard to make special but will never be good enough for the little girl that's body lays there. It will never fully show her sweet personality and beauty. Every time I arrive to that site it is just another reminder who is missing. My mind will fully connect the name and pictures on the stone to the fact that she is really gone. I guess part of me likes living in the fog for now. Going down to the mortuary was one of the harder things I have done, I thought I would be able to handle it and would want something for my sweet heart, which I do but it has sent me on a tail spin downward. All the raw emotions hit me like a bulldozer. It almost feels like I did that first week, unable to hardly function, only doing what I have to. I tried giving Brookie a bath this morning and she desperately needed one but, I had to pull her out early because of the panic that came over my body. I couldn't handle seeing her in the water. I hate this,why can't I just be grateful for all that I have now? I should be happy that I have a child that is in heaven with my Heavenly Father and doesn't have to endure the pain of this world, right? Well I don't exactly feel that way right now, I'm just sad and miss Kamber, don't worry I'll be okay.

Trees

I got my trees up in my home but, they are not decorated yet. I will post pictures when they are done, especially my Kamber tree. It is so hard to find the right ornaments for her tree. There will definitely be purple and some white to represent how pure she is. I am excited to have something in her honor. We are also trying to find a way to take presents down to one of the hospitals for children that have to be there over Christmas. Ethan my husband would like to do it on Christmas Eve. If any one knows how the hospitals feel about this let me know, otherwise I will call them and find out what would be the best way to do this.
It is amazing how loosing a child changes your perspective so much. Ethan and I have always been the type that is more quiet and tend to keep to our self and our family. Since Kamber has died we have been forced to do things we never would have thought of doing. Before Kamber died we did have a heart for those suffering but, as things got busy in our lives we would move from that thought of those people back into worrying about our selves and family. Now the thoughts of others suffering especially children doesn't just flee from our thoughts. We really truly care, we are not so caught up in our own lives that we forget about the little children or families that may be so close to loosing their children this holiday season. I just wish I had the means to help all of them. If we can but help one child then this holiday season it won't be in vain. There is a new perspective on life that won't be the same as it was before and I feel it is something that can only be taught from enduring this sort of trial. I never could quite fully understand the sorrow and pain that others might fee till this smacked me in the face. Now I look back and wonder how could I have been so selfish, how could I have let the families that have lost loved ones or children who endure illness flee from my mind with only a moments thought. It happens, right? I'm sure I am not the only one who has done this. So what can I do to help just one family have brighter holiday season? Send a note, bake some cookies, donate a gift to someone less fortunate, visit the sick, take a meal, make a phone call, give a hug, or even give a smile. These are all ways to help another. They are all simple but they can uplift another and bring a little sunshine to some ones day. So as the holidays are approaching I am trying to find ways to make someones day a little brighter so they know others really do care.
I hope you all have a wonderful holidays this year.

Did It Really Happen?

I found myself yesterday night looking around my house at the pictures of Kamber on my walls and wondering did she really die? Last night was our ward Christmas Party and I have to say that it was a hit! I really enjoyed being busy and watching everyone enjoy the party. While I was there I thought of how fun it would have been for Kamber to have been there. Would she have been afraid of Santa and realized that it was daddy in the suit or would she have just loved every minute of it? Would it have been extra hard to have her there because she would have wanted to run around the whole church or would she have been happy to sit with me. Oh how I would have loved to have her on my hip to carry around and show off to the ward, a ward that didn't get to know her all that well. I could just envision in my mind her smile and jumping around when Santa came walking through the door to give out candy canes. It would have been so fun! So as the night came to a close we were busy getting things cleaned up, with a lot of help I might add, so that we could get home as soon as possible. I came home to my house with grandma and three of my girls. I am grateful to my mom for helping with my kids. Brookie was in bed and my others were giving grandma a hard time about going to sleep. Soon we got everyone to bed and that is when it hit me. I can't believe this is really my life. Did this really happen to my family? Did Kamber really die? I have her pictures but she really isn't here, there are times my mind just can't really grasp it. I said my prayers and thanked my Heavenly Father for Kamber and that she is a part of our family. I am thankful for the time I did have her and I would do it all again just to hold her, love her, and enjoy her sweet spirit and to have her a part of our family for eternity.

A Little More

Here lately my life has been very busy. I feel as though I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. You would think that since I am so busy that I would not have time to think or focus on anything else other than what I have to get done. As busy as I have been life has been hard, I have thought of Kamber a lot and been struggling a bit. I'm sure it has something to do with Christmas being right around the corner, doing a party for Christmas and knowing that Kamber isn't here with our family to enjoy it, Hmmm could that be it? Even though I am sad and running around I have felt Kamber around me a little more than usual. It's not that I hear her say anything or that I see glimpses of her, which I totally wish I did, but it is just knowing she is here. Maybe I have felt her more often because Kamber now really knows me well and knows that in situations like this I get really stressed out and usually take it out on my kids or husband. She knows that I don't want to be like that so she is here to help and comfort me. I know she is aware of how I long to have her here with us and to enjoy all the fun things we are experiencing as a family. I look forward to putting up are Christmas trees once the ward party is over to see there beauty in my home, especially my Kamber tree. No one knows how hard it is for me to have to wait to put my Kamebr tree up. For me it is a great sacrifice to let the ward use my tree for the party and for me to wait. It is a sacrifice for me to throw a Christmas party for others when inside I hurt because my sweet Kamber isn't here with us this Christmas or any other to come. It is a sacrifice to endure each and every day but, I know the reward at the end is made sure. If I but endure my prize at the end of the journey will be joy 100 fold. That is something I just can't fathom so faith will just have to step in. I am grateful that Kamber is spending a little more time around us to help us through even though it doesn't take all the pain away, but I will take her in spirit if that is all I can get right now. I am grateful for all my girls and husband. I am thankful for thy Son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me and my family.

I am excited for everyone to come to the Christmas party tonight even though getting it ready has been hard. It is funny how hard things can bring joy. There is a lot of stress but lots of enjoyment especially when you get to meet new friends and then see the happiness on others faces as they enjoy what you worked so hard on for them. I really hope everyone enjoys tonight and feels the spirit. I am grateful for my new ward and for my new friends. We couldn't have asked for better people to be a part of our lives. Thanks for all the help with getting tonight ready! Thank you Kamber, Tayler and Kylie for helping out your crazy mother :)

Santa is Comming!

It is Friday, Yeah! Today is a crazy day for me, but that is okay because it is almost time for our ward Christmas party. That means the stress is almost over. My committee members and I have planned a great Christmas party for the ward this year and I am excited to have everyone come and be a part. Our theme this year is Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Some of my friends will recognize this theme from a couple years ago for an Enrichment in my last ward. A sweet friend of mine thought of the theme and that enrichment that year was wonderful. I took that theme and did my own program. I wanted this year for all the members of the ward to feel the spirit, that the kids and adults will be reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. I wanted everyone to leave feeling uplifted and inspired, but yet to have had fun enjoying the members of the ward. And of course, Santa will be there! I have a close relationship with Santa and he has agreed to come to our Christmas Party! Thanks for taking one for the team Santa. I'm sure he will be glad to come and then he won't stay long because he has a lot to do at the North Pole :)

As we think of Christmas this year lets all remember what one of our dear prophets said-

"At this time of Christmas, this season

when gifts are given, let us not forget

that God gave His Son, and His Son gave

His life, that each of us might have the

gift of eternal life." - Gordon B. Hinckley

Turkey Trot!

Okay I know it has been One week since Thanksgiving, but here is a picture of family and friends at the turkey trot. It was a lot of fun seeing so many Kamber shirts through out the race. My favorite part was seeing my family at the end of the race cheering me on. I didn't sleep much the night before because of the rain, I prayed that Heavenly Father would allow the rain to stop just long enough to run for Kamber and if he wanted it to pour after that, then so be it. My prayer was answered and the rain stopped long enough for us all to finish the race. Right as the last people were crossing the finish line the rain started up again and I know that wasn't just a coincidence. I felt that Kamber was there with us all the whole time and every time I wanted to stop I just thought of Kamber and the fact that I was doing it for her. I felt as if I would get a little push and I endured to the end, which felt as though it was never going to come.
Life has seemed like that a lot here lately. There have been so many times I just want to give up. I don't want to endure this life with out Kamber and there seems to be no end in sight. I just have to have faith that there is an end to the pain and I can endure till that time.
Thanks to all for your support and willing to endure for me and Kamber!

Come What May and Love It

As I am hearing about the passing of Elder Wirthlin, there is a sadness in my heart. His family is feeling the loss of a dear loved one, the church all around the world is feeling the loss of a kind leader. Though I have never personally met Elder Wirthlin my heart is saddened by his passing and yet finding some peace and comfort from it also. He is an apostle of our church and such a sweet kind man. He spoke at our last General Conference in October and his talk touch my heart. His words were so sweet and kind, I felt as though he was talking directly to me. Out of all the things that he said during his talk I clung to the phrase that his mother would say to him when ever he was down about something- "Come what may and love it." As we have gone through this hard tragedy of loosing Kamber I have struggled with so many of my emotions. Since Elder Wirthlins talk I have tried to accept what has happen, I don't know that I will ever love it but, I feel that I can come to the time eventually that I can feel peace about it. That might be a long time down the road and when it does come it won't mean that I won't still be sad or no longer miss my Kamber. It will mean I just have peace of mind. I am thankful for Elder Wirthlin's service given to our church and especially for following the spirit in giving a wonderful talk at conference. What beautiful words were spoken for his last encouragement to the saints before he return to our Heavenly Father.

I have thought a lot about what kind of a homecoming he had when he return home to our Savior. What the excitement that must have been like for an apostle of the Lord to return. I have thought about Kamber, was she there? Had she known him before she came to this earth. We were all together in the spirit world before we came to receive a body and I know we knew more spirits than people we ever meet on this earth. Was he a long time friend of hers or is he someone she will get to meet now and know on a personal level. I'm sure it was a neat homecoming and that he is happy. For his family left here our thoughts and prayers go out to them that they will fill the comforters arms wrapped tightly around them and feel the love of the saints for them and Elder Worthlin.

Sometimes we are touched by Angels on Earth

This morning my mind was turning round and round. A million thoughts were running through my head. I was ready to vent, I was ready to let all my raw emotions out and really let everyone see the deep darkness that I endure. My life has extremely changed and a lot of the time it is very hard to take. I have found myself soooo tired, tired of being strong, tired of having to endure everyday. I feel as though I want to give up I don't want to carry this trial any more, I don't want to be sad, I just want it all to go away.Sometimes you just feel like your heart is so heavy your going to fall over. I found myself there this morning, done, done with everything. (Please don't read into this more than what I am saying, I'm just talking about emotions.)

I got on my blog this morning ready to let it all hang out and ready to go private and just keep all my feelings to myself. Till this morning when I found 1 comment on yesterdays post. I wondered what that comment might be so I clicked. Oh, it was my good friend Shasta and she regularly leaves comments, which I always love hearing from her. I think she is one of the most kind, loving, and absolutely adorable people I know. She has not treated me any different since Kamber has died and I am so grateful for that. I read her comment this morning and she referred me to a song on her blog so immediately went to listen. She was inspired, the song brought tears and wonderful thoughts of Kamber. Once again I was reminded of her mission and mine. Kamber is gone and I am left here to help others. We don't often see how we help or who we are helping but that doesn't matter as long as we are trying everyday to be an example and striving to do what is right and endure to the end. My feelings of frustration and anger passed and a calm came over me. I felt the love of Kamber and my thoughts at that moment were made sure. There was no confusion over my feelings, they were nothing but peace and comfort that I can endure. After I listened to the song I prayed to my Heavenly Father and thanked him for Shasta and her sweet spirit and following her feelings of sharing that song with me. I don't know if she thinks she was inspired but I know she was. Heavenly Father knew my thoughts and feelings, he has known how tired I am, therefore he knew what I needed.

Sometimes we are touched by Angels on Earth.

Thank you Shasta!

The song is Someday by Celtic Women and I have also put it on my playlist.

Just Hold On

I take one step at a time and grab that rod of iron and hold on, hold on. That thought has come to me here lately. At times I feel as though I've got a firm grip and my feet are planted firmly on the ground. I know all the things that I am sure of. Other times I can feel my hands slipping and my legs beginning to shake. Just hold on. Emotions are crazy and I never know when sad times are going to pop up. Yesterday I was feeling the earth move beneath me and I didn't know what to do. I felt as if I had froze. I could feel the anxiety building in me and the panic starting. It came from no where, I don't believe I was thinking of Kamber at the exact moment it began. I wasn't thinking of the day she died and that is what usually brings on the moments of panic, but I was preparing to go to church. I was in a panic about going to church. I didn't feel as though I could do it. I left for church earlier than Ethan and my girls because I had to get posters set up and invitations handed out for our ward Christmas Party. As I pulled up the panic was even stronger, and I could feel myself fighting back the tears. I kept thinking in my head I don't want to do this, I can't do this. I was afraid all I would do is cry. It was bothering me that Kamber wasn't with me that Sunday. I forced my tears back and walked into the church and started getting everything situated and put out for people to grab and see. I sat in the back row of church just in case I felt I would need to dart. As I sat and waited for my family I kept getting a lump in my throat trying not to let my emotions get the best of me and I didn't want anyone to see me crying. I just wanted my girls and Ethan there, I just needed them there. Finally 5 min. before church started in walks my sweet husband and my girls with smiles on there face. My Kamber wasn't with them but the anxiety subsided as I knew we were all together. She is there in spirit all the time and many times it doesn't feel as though we are missing one. What a great blessing it is to have her with us and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father allows us to feel her. I am taught by her everyday. It is funny because while we are here on earth we are to teach our children and when a little one passes it is them that is teaching us. I couldn't have asked for a better loving and kind teacher than our Kamber.