The Pool Picture

I don't think I have spoken about the significance of the picture I have on the blog. Why would I have a picture of Kamber in the pool when that is what took her life? I worried about other people might think when I had this picture among many at the funeral and wondered what thoughts would go through people head as it was put as the header for my Kamber blog. Then I decided I don't care what people think, this picture is very special to me and my family.

A couple of months before Kamber died we went as a family to Las Vegas. This was a yearly tradition that was started by my brother and sister in law and his family. They go each year for my bro. in laws dads convention and they have invited us to go with the past few years. I was reluctant to go the first year not liking what Las Vegas had to offer but, it has turned into one of our families favorite vacations. Not every thing is bad there and it is what you choose to do that can be bad or good. Our time there is spent swimming in the huge pools and playing in the waterfalls during the day with a nice nap in the middle from being exhausted chasing kids from one pool to the next. We love to take the kids to the adventure dome at Circus Circus and let them ride the rides. The Stratosphere is always fun for the kids to feel they are on top of the world. The knight show at Excalibur is a fun dinner and show for the kids, and some nights are fun just hanging out in the hotel room and ordering room service. This vacation is always fun and relaxing doing what ever we want. But our favorite part is the pool during the day. I don't know a kid who doesn't like to be in the water. Our Kamber was a little fish! During this last vacation Kamber would jump in the pool head first with her floaties on out to Uncle BJ. She had no fear! She of course wouldn't go very far under the water because her floaties wouldn't allow her to but, she loved it and would hop out and do it over and over again. This made the lifeguards nervous and one came over and told us that she had to stop jumping in unless she would jump feet first. Well being two she didn't like being told no and continued a couple more times and then gave up. It was after that she swam over to me and sat on the steps. I thought she looked so cute so I grabbed my camera to take a picture. At first she didn't want me to take her picture and then it became a game. Finally she sat still enough and gave me a silly grin. I had forgotten about this picture till after she died and we were finding pictures we wanted framed for the funeral. This one showed up and tears just flowed from Ethan and my eyes. There was the perfect picture to treasure for always. It captures her beauty, personality and her favorite thing to do in the whole world. The very thing that made her so happy and the very thing that took her life. This picture is perfect and will always have a special spot in our home. It is constant reminder of the fun we had as a family and to continue to try and enjoy life as Kamber did.

Return to Kamber.

Every time I sign out of my Kamber blog the next screen that pulls up says Return to Kamber. Each time I think in my head if you only knew how much I wish to Return to Kamber. I think it is interesting that the screen says that but, I kind of like it. It reminds me each day to try hard and always strive to be a better person so that I can Return to Kamber. I am learning many lessons through this trial and one is that I don't have to be perfect and Heavenly Father doesn't expect that from me. As long as I am doing the best I can at the time then Heavenly Father will make up the rest. He understands my feelings and how hard this trial is for me. He must know that some how I will find a way to endure it and make it back to him and Kamber.

Having to endure the loss of Kamber puts new meaning on the thought I would do anything for my children. I can honestly say yes. I would lose having Kamber here for a long life on earth with me to guarantee her Celestial life in Heaven. We as a family were willing to take on this challenge just to have her be a part of our family. It is a blessing to have such a special child, though the challenge of the trial at times seems unbearable. You see, sometimes I can see the big picture and often the natural man steps in and puts blinders on and I can only see what is being handed to me at the time. It is an up and down roller coaster and moving to the top is very steep and can take a long time to reach. Just like a roller coaster getting to the bottom only takes seconds.

I am grateful for my Kamber blog that I can write my feelings and have an outlet for some of my pain. I am thankful to have something that I can pass down to family members for them to read and maybe it will be something that can show strength and growth amidst my trials.

I LOVE YOU TOO!

Okay so truth be told I have been struggling a lot the past few months. My emotions are so mixed and life is just hard and that is an understatement. One strong emotion I have had is that I have been mad at the whole situation of Kamber being gone and if I were to blame anyone for her death it would be me and I guess Heavenly Father for not letting me know Kamber was in danger so I could save her. There are so many people that get promptings and are able to save people and I felt nothing. For the first time in my life I haven't truly known what I believe anymore. I know what my heart tells me but, my mind doesn't want to believe it. I felt as if I have been standing alone with no help, I have felt nothing. My mind has just been spinning round and round. I have found myself just wanting to give up and not have to worry about anything anymore.

I was talking to Candi last night about how I have really felt and she just listened and validated my feelings. She didn't try to preach to me or worry if I was loosing my testimony. She didn't run to her scriptures and find a verse to try and make it better, nor did she ask me if I was saying my prayers, going to church, the temple, reading my scriptures, having family home evening, and trying to be perfect in every way. She just listened and made me feel that it is okay to have hard times, it is okay not to be perfect in everything you do. Heavenly Father knows when you are doing the best you can at the time. All of my family tells me I am doing so good, but I don't let people see me on my hard days but, here lately I haven't been able to control it as well. I have thought that if people saw the hard times then it would mean I am weak and maybe I really can't endure this trial. The biggest thing about not wanting people to see me cry is that people tend to stare. It is different when it is family watching you cry because I can see the pain and understanding in their eyes, they feel it to. But people I don't know that well, I don't like to let my emotions out. That is part of why church is so hard for me right now. I know the members in my ward will understand but I just don't like it and the lessons don't always make me feel better, many times I leave worse than I was before I got there. This has nothing to do with the teachers, it is just part of my life right now. Trust me I feel the spirit very often but sometimes you don't want to hear all about what you already know, you just want to know that what you are feeling is okay. It is truly okay to be sad about Kamber even though she is in Heaven.

Now that I have rambled I will get back to what I was talking to Candi about. I told her that I just wished that Heavenly Father would let Kamber come to see me every once in a while and let me maybe talk to her. I have felt like she was taken and I was left to deal and be torchered. These words have also been in my prayers every night and that I was sorry that I felt that way but, deep down I have felt that Heavenly Father understood my feelings. Well, last night he must have heard me and felt that I have suffered enough because Kamber came to me in a dream. I am not going to go into detail about my dream but, I will tell you that she said
"I LUV U!" and hugged me and I told her "I LOVE YOU TOO!" and held her. The entire dream was so real and lasted what seemed like a day, it was a wonderful time with her. I have always wondered if Kamber really knew how much I love her and if she loved me as much as I loved her. Had she forgiven me for not being able to save her? I feel that my questions were answered last night and I now have a stronger testimony of the love that Heavenly Father has for me. He let me have that experience that I so needed to be able to deal a little l0nger even though I had been so angry with him. Trials aren't meant to torcher they are meant for us to learn as hard as it may be on us and for Heavenly Father to have to let us go through them. I am thankful for my experience last night with Kamber.

My little sweetheart "I LUV YOU TOO!"

We Went Out Of Town

We went out of town the day after Christmas to California. It was great! I didn't have to think of anything other than what we were doing for the day. Once my computer is fixed I will post pictures of our vacation. I am noticing it is hard to come home. I am back surrounded by all the reminders of what is missing. I don't feel Kamber as often and I wonder if that is just how it will be as time goes on. I am noticing that I hate this house and love it all at the same time. I hate that every where I look I see reminders of her,every where and some days it is more than I can handle and other days it makes me happy. But, I can't imagine living any where else right now. This is the place with the last memories of Kamber. Christmas was Kambers 5 month mark, wasn't that nice little spin to add to the day? It wasn't all horrible though, it made it bitter- sweet.
As a mom having to deal with this sort of loss 5 months out does not make things any better and no it is not enough time to get over the fact that my daughter is gone.

While we were on vacation someone asked my husband the dreaded question with all of us standing right there. So you have 3 beautiful girls? My husband hesitated and then popped out actually we have 4 daughters, my 2 year old passed away a few months ago. Her mouth dropped and I could see the sadness in her eyes as she turned to me and asked How do you get over that? My response was You don't. She shook her head as though she was agreeing with me.

That is it YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T! You find ways to deal with it everyday and some days you deal with it better than others but you don't ever get over it.
So now I am back to reality and plugging along because vacations are not realities,this here at home is. Some days that reality is really, really good and those are days that I can pull myself together and really enjoy my family.

Happy New Year!

It is a new year and hopefully will be filled with fun and exciting moments just waiting to be memories for years to come. 2008 is the year that definitely has changed mine and my families life forever. What a jam packed year of ups and downs, some memories so fun and exciting (Brookie being born and fun vacations!) and others memories that have brought the most sadness I have ever endured. (the loss of Kamber) The year also brought lots of growth spiritually and of course physically since we are another year older and closer to 30. Would I change last year, I don't really know. I don't regret how much time we spent together as a family, I did have Kamber in my life for a short time and that last 7 months with her probably was the most fun, and we developed lots of beautiful memories in those last 7 months. Do I wish she never died, of course I do but would I bring her back now that she is with our Heavenly Father and in a perfect place, no way. I would sacrifice it all again just to have had her with us for that short time.

We are learning and growing every day and I am sure 2009 is going to be a struggle for us in every aspect but I know there will be lots of growth and learning that will come with this new year and new trial. We hope every one has a great new year to come.

Starting this new year I may not post everyday, I will post as often as I feel the need as I move through the emotions of loosing my sweet Kamber.
A Christmas post will be coming soon, when I feel that I can handle diving back into that emotional day.

Lots of Love,
Jen

My First Christmas With Jesus

My First Christmas With Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the
Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside
your heart.But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. After all, love
is a gift more precious than pure gold.It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep
each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

This poem was given to me by a sweet reader, Kim.
Thank you of the comforting poem and I am trying to focus on the wonderful Christmas Kamber gets to have.
This will be my post for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday!
Love,
The Larsen Family

Here we go

Tonight is our first Holiday party to go to. It is a tradition on my husbands side of the family to do a Christmas party with Grandma and Grandpa Greer's side of the family. We get to see extended family that we don't see that often during the year. I look forward to it every year and so do my girls. This year I have to admit I am a little anxious knowing that my Kamber is missing out on the fun of being with her cousins. Actually it has been bothering me a lot, I couldn't even sleep last night. I have tried to avoid the fact that Christmas is coming but now there is no avoiding because it is here. I want my girls to enjoy there Christmas and all the fun family things we do. I wish there was a handbook to tell families that have lost a child the best way to deal with the holidays is... Nope no handbook, we get to figure this one out on our own just like everything else.

I am trying to focus on the fact that Christmas is about Christ but, it brings me a 360 back to thinking about Kamber. I wouldn't get to be with Kamber again without Christ. Kamber is in Heaven with Christ and as happy as that makes me at times to know she is happy and safe, it makes me horribly sad also to not get to see her happy face and that is really hard to take. I would not have her come back to this earth now after being in a perfect place with so much happiness but it is sure hard being left behind. I hope she knows we miss her and love her but want her to have the best Christmas ever!

Bills

I think another one of the hardest things in grief to deal with is the medical bills that you have to pay for a child that is no longer living. The people on the other end have NO sympathy! All I ever seem to hear is that we are not paying enough. WHAT? In this economy they should be grateful that they at least have someone paying them period, right? We happen to be lucky enough to be able to pay our bills even the ones that I wish we could just walk away from and it is not enough. The hospital worked on Kamber for about 10 min., maybe a little longer but no more than about 20 before they called it and the bill is outrageous! I am not blaming the rudeness of the people in their billing on anyone that worked so hard to save Kambers life and I truly believe that there was nothing anyone here on earth could have done to save her but, the billing department could be more kind.

Life is just hard in so many ways with out Kamber here and I wold have paid millions of dollars and have it take my whole life to pay off for the chance of someone being able to save her life. It is just hard especially when you are trying your best, being honest and paying what you can to make sure the wonderful people that really tried to save my little get paid.

We do have a family friend that is so kind to help with this hospital bill and make the payments a little more reasonable. Thanks, Brent!

Gone Too Soon

This is a title for a book that I have read and I have mentioned it on this blog before. I have found a quote that I like but don't feel that of now I feel the emotions that it talks about, but maybe some day.

I feel that Kamber is "Gone Too Soon" my hear aches for her. I am happy for her, she has made It! BUt yet I am so sad for me, my husband, my girls, and all the other family and friends that hurt with the absence of Kamber. That is what stinks, we are left here to fight through this HARD battle. Do you see how a mother is torn in so many directions? This is why it is so confusing. You long for your little one but yet know you need to be happy for them. Because as a parent you only want what is best for your kids, right? That is always what I have wanted, I just never thought that I would loose a child. We knew she was special in her own way, but Wow. I know that each one of my children are special spirits reserved for our home and have come at there appointed time. There is so much beauty in that, maybe some day when I get my head somewhat screwed back on we can have another little spirit come stay with us for a while and for my own selfish reasons stay longer that 2 years.

Here is the quote by Sherri D. Whittwer the Author of the book Gone Too Soon:

Perhaps the most exciting element in this stage is that the true greatness and resilience of the human spirit becomes apparent in many lives. Those who endure tragedy can claim to have truly lived - to have experienced every human emotion in the spectrum. Those who survive tragedy join the elite group of mankind who have suffered and triumphed over the depths of despair.

The Bereaved

Bereaved People are like Ducks:

Above the Surface.....Looking Composed and Unruffled
Below the Surface.....Paddling Like Crazy

Secret Santa!

We have had a Secret Santa coming to our home for the past few nights. I admit we have tried to catch him but he is way to sneaky us. Actually we really don't want to know because then that takes the fun out of it. My girls look forward every night to seeing what the Santa will bring! We are grateful for this person bringing a little joy to each day during this very hard time. Were would this world be without the Secret Santa's. Thanks to who ever it is I don't know if you read this blog or not but if so thanks for bringing a smile to my girls faces each day.

We also have had the Young Women in our ward do the 12 days of Christmas in a basket for my girls and they have really enjoyed it also. It is the little things that can make all the difference! Thanks Fremont Hill Young Women!

Look At my little Elves!

Here is the link to watch my little elves dance!

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/fAYmldnMGLuHcpic

Trying to Learn

I want to post for memories later, even though I am still struggling. I am trying every day to learn as I move through this anger. I think it is going to take time and I would rather not elaborate on my feelings until a later date. I continue to do my best as I survive each day and survive is just a down play on my feelings. I guess I didn't realize that these emotions would really come for me. But here they are and I am doing my best.

Kamber Tree

Here is my Kamber Tree and my angel that I found. You can't see all the decorations that I have on my tree but, you can see the purple! Up close the tree looks nice and I am happy with how it turned out for this year. It is still a little bare but that is great because each year we will be adding a new ornament to the tree. I am so happy to have the little angel beside my tree to represent Kamber. Next year I will be decorating my angel, I saw a really cute idea at Michael's.

Anyways here it is and we are glad to have beauty to add to our home. These sort of things will have to do for now since we can't have Kambers beauty here right now.

My anger is not at anybody or from anything that someone has done. It is just part of the grief process another emotions that I have to go through. This feeling is not directed at anyone and doesn't mean that I will be mean or have nasty comments to say. I am just angry that Kamber is gone and that I can't have her here. This is what I am feeling. This is the cold hard truth, and the raw reality of my life. It is what it is and it stinks that I can't change anything. People don't usually see this side of me and that is why when I am told that I am strong I usually say that I am not. Many people don't see me on my bad days, I only let very few people in during that time. So, here it is I am mad and so sad that it physically hurts, just because I look ok on the outside doesn't mean that it is how I feel on the outside. As time goes on for now I doesn't really get easier which I know that is what people expect or hope for. It is a dark road at times to travel down.

Anger

I'm just angry, sad, and confused. I don't know what to feel or how to change it. Life SUCKS and there is nothing that I can do about it! Please no comments for today.

Going Crazy

Okay, I really thought that after the Christmas party last week that my days would be much more calm. Who was I kidding? I am just as busy now as I was then and now I am freaking out. UMMM Christmas is exactly two weeks from TODAY. Do think I have bought one person anything? NOPE... I have to say that part of me thinks that if I pretend that Christmas is not really coming so soon then it will go away. That is a logical way to think, huh? Well since it is not going away and I will have to face the true reality of what my Christmas will be, then I guess I should get busy. Since I have procrastinated I have to deal with the stress. Two weeks should be enough time, cross my fingers. It will be interesting going out to by gifts for my family knowing I am missing one but, it is one more thing that I can't avoid and have to face head on, so here is goes!

Temple Lights

I totally forgot my camera last night when we went to see the temple lights. My family knows that this is routine for me, what don't I forget! Anyways, we went with our friends the McNeil's to see the lights. This is one of the things I remember doing with Kamber at Christmas time. Ethan would put her on his shoulders as we would walk around. She would always give a little giggle at getting to be so high. I can clearly remember the sound of her giggle and the look on her face. We always enjoyed our time there and my girls love the lights. This year was no different. Instead of Kamber on daddy's shoulders Brookie got the privilege. Brookie is growing up so fast that she has grown out of the jackets I had for her so I found one of Kambers jackets that she wore when she was 24 months old. It was a little big on her but not bad. I couldn't believe the resemblance I saw as she was put on top of Ethans shoulders with Kambers gray jacket on. She was so cute. I was so peaceful walking around the temple grounds and seeing the new things that they have done this year. If you haven't gone yet this year, try and take some time with your family to go. I will be well worth the trip to spend time as a family feeling the spirit of Christmas and having another reminder that Christmas is about the birth of thy Son Jesus Christ.

The Finishing Touch

So I have been saying for the past month or so that we are going to get Kamber's headstone ordered. Well it didn't happen till yesterday. I know, some of you are wondering why I would take this long to get it ordered. Well I won't go into much detail because, no offence, there is a good chance you won't fully understand. Here is one little reason why, to me it makes her life here on earth final. That's it period. It means every time I go down to the cemetery that I will see a piece of rock that I tried so hard to make special but will never be good enough for the little girl that's body lays there. It will never fully show her sweet personality and beauty. Every time I arrive to that site it is just another reminder who is missing. My mind will fully connect the name and pictures on the stone to the fact that she is really gone. I guess part of me likes living in the fog for now. Going down to the mortuary was one of the harder things I have done, I thought I would be able to handle it and would want something for my sweet heart, which I do but it has sent me on a tail spin downward. All the raw emotions hit me like a bulldozer. It almost feels like I did that first week, unable to hardly function, only doing what I have to. I tried giving Brookie a bath this morning and she desperately needed one but, I had to pull her out early because of the panic that came over my body. I couldn't handle seeing her in the water. I hate this,why can't I just be grateful for all that I have now? I should be happy that I have a child that is in heaven with my Heavenly Father and doesn't have to endure the pain of this world, right? Well I don't exactly feel that way right now, I'm just sad and miss Kamber, don't worry I'll be okay.

Trees

I got my trees up in my home but, they are not decorated yet. I will post pictures when they are done, especially my Kamber tree. It is so hard to find the right ornaments for her tree. There will definitely be purple and some white to represent how pure she is. I am excited to have something in her honor. We are also trying to find a way to take presents down to one of the hospitals for children that have to be there over Christmas. Ethan my husband would like to do it on Christmas Eve. If any one knows how the hospitals feel about this let me know, otherwise I will call them and find out what would be the best way to do this.
It is amazing how loosing a child changes your perspective so much. Ethan and I have always been the type that is more quiet and tend to keep to our self and our family. Since Kamber has died we have been forced to do things we never would have thought of doing. Before Kamber died we did have a heart for those suffering but, as things got busy in our lives we would move from that thought of those people back into worrying about our selves and family. Now the thoughts of others suffering especially children doesn't just flee from our thoughts. We really truly care, we are not so caught up in our own lives that we forget about the little children or families that may be so close to loosing their children this holiday season. I just wish I had the means to help all of them. If we can but help one child then this holiday season it won't be in vain. There is a new perspective on life that won't be the same as it was before and I feel it is something that can only be taught from enduring this sort of trial. I never could quite fully understand the sorrow and pain that others might fee till this smacked me in the face. Now I look back and wonder how could I have been so selfish, how could I have let the families that have lost loved ones or children who endure illness flee from my mind with only a moments thought. It happens, right? I'm sure I am not the only one who has done this. So what can I do to help just one family have brighter holiday season? Send a note, bake some cookies, donate a gift to someone less fortunate, visit the sick, take a meal, make a phone call, give a hug, or even give a smile. These are all ways to help another. They are all simple but they can uplift another and bring a little sunshine to some ones day. So as the holidays are approaching I am trying to find ways to make someones day a little brighter so they know others really do care.
I hope you all have a wonderful holidays this year.

Did It Really Happen?

I found myself yesterday night looking around my house at the pictures of Kamber on my walls and wondering did she really die? Last night was our ward Christmas Party and I have to say that it was a hit! I really enjoyed being busy and watching everyone enjoy the party. While I was there I thought of how fun it would have been for Kamber to have been there. Would she have been afraid of Santa and realized that it was daddy in the suit or would she have just loved every minute of it? Would it have been extra hard to have her there because she would have wanted to run around the whole church or would she have been happy to sit with me. Oh how I would have loved to have her on my hip to carry around and show off to the ward, a ward that didn't get to know her all that well. I could just envision in my mind her smile and jumping around when Santa came walking through the door to give out candy canes. It would have been so fun! So as the night came to a close we were busy getting things cleaned up, with a lot of help I might add, so that we could get home as soon as possible. I came home to my house with grandma and three of my girls. I am grateful to my mom for helping with my kids. Brookie was in bed and my others were giving grandma a hard time about going to sleep. Soon we got everyone to bed and that is when it hit me. I can't believe this is really my life. Did this really happen to my family? Did Kamber really die? I have her pictures but she really isn't here, there are times my mind just can't really grasp it. I said my prayers and thanked my Heavenly Father for Kamber and that she is a part of our family. I am thankful for the time I did have her and I would do it all again just to hold her, love her, and enjoy her sweet spirit and to have her a part of our family for eternity.

A Little More

Here lately my life has been very busy. I feel as though I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. You would think that since I am so busy that I would not have time to think or focus on anything else other than what I have to get done. As busy as I have been life has been hard, I have thought of Kamber a lot and been struggling a bit. I'm sure it has something to do with Christmas being right around the corner, doing a party for Christmas and knowing that Kamber isn't here with our family to enjoy it, Hmmm could that be it? Even though I am sad and running around I have felt Kamber around me a little more than usual. It's not that I hear her say anything or that I see glimpses of her, which I totally wish I did, but it is just knowing she is here. Maybe I have felt her more often because Kamber now really knows me well and knows that in situations like this I get really stressed out and usually take it out on my kids or husband. She knows that I don't want to be like that so she is here to help and comfort me. I know she is aware of how I long to have her here with us and to enjoy all the fun things we are experiencing as a family. I look forward to putting up are Christmas trees once the ward party is over to see there beauty in my home, especially my Kamber tree. No one knows how hard it is for me to have to wait to put my Kamebr tree up. For me it is a great sacrifice to let the ward use my tree for the party and for me to wait. It is a sacrifice for me to throw a Christmas party for others when inside I hurt because my sweet Kamber isn't here with us this Christmas or any other to come. It is a sacrifice to endure each and every day but, I know the reward at the end is made sure. If I but endure my prize at the end of the journey will be joy 100 fold. That is something I just can't fathom so faith will just have to step in. I am grateful that Kamber is spending a little more time around us to help us through even though it doesn't take all the pain away, but I will take her in spirit if that is all I can get right now. I am grateful for all my girls and husband. I am thankful for thy Son Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me and my family.

I am excited for everyone to come to the Christmas party tonight even though getting it ready has been hard. It is funny how hard things can bring joy. There is a lot of stress but lots of enjoyment especially when you get to meet new friends and then see the happiness on others faces as they enjoy what you worked so hard on for them. I really hope everyone enjoys tonight and feels the spirit. I am grateful for my new ward and for my new friends. We couldn't have asked for better people to be a part of our lives. Thanks for all the help with getting tonight ready! Thank you Kamber, Tayler and Kylie for helping out your crazy mother :)

Santa is Comming!

It is Friday, Yeah! Today is a crazy day for me, but that is okay because it is almost time for our ward Christmas party. That means the stress is almost over. My committee members and I have planned a great Christmas party for the ward this year and I am excited to have everyone come and be a part. Our theme this year is Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Some of my friends will recognize this theme from a couple years ago for an Enrichment in my last ward. A sweet friend of mine thought of the theme and that enrichment that year was wonderful. I took that theme and did my own program. I wanted this year for all the members of the ward to feel the spirit, that the kids and adults will be reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. I wanted everyone to leave feeling uplifted and inspired, but yet to have had fun enjoying the members of the ward. And of course, Santa will be there! I have a close relationship with Santa and he has agreed to come to our Christmas Party! Thanks for taking one for the team Santa. I'm sure he will be glad to come and then he won't stay long because he has a lot to do at the North Pole :)

As we think of Christmas this year lets all remember what one of our dear prophets said-

"At this time of Christmas, this season

when gifts are given, let us not forget

that God gave His Son, and His Son gave

His life, that each of us might have the

gift of eternal life." - Gordon B. Hinckley

Turkey Trot!

Okay I know it has been One week since Thanksgiving, but here is a picture of family and friends at the turkey trot. It was a lot of fun seeing so many Kamber shirts through out the race. My favorite part was seeing my family at the end of the race cheering me on. I didn't sleep much the night before because of the rain, I prayed that Heavenly Father would allow the rain to stop just long enough to run for Kamber and if he wanted it to pour after that, then so be it. My prayer was answered and the rain stopped long enough for us all to finish the race. Right as the last people were crossing the finish line the rain started up again and I know that wasn't just a coincidence. I felt that Kamber was there with us all the whole time and every time I wanted to stop I just thought of Kamber and the fact that I was doing it for her. I felt as if I would get a little push and I endured to the end, which felt as though it was never going to come.
Life has seemed like that a lot here lately. There have been so many times I just want to give up. I don't want to endure this life with out Kamber and there seems to be no end in sight. I just have to have faith that there is an end to the pain and I can endure till that time.
Thanks to all for your support and willing to endure for me and Kamber!

Come What May and Love It

As I am hearing about the passing of Elder Wirthlin, there is a sadness in my heart. His family is feeling the loss of a dear loved one, the church all around the world is feeling the loss of a kind leader. Though I have never personally met Elder Wirthlin my heart is saddened by his passing and yet finding some peace and comfort from it also. He is an apostle of our church and such a sweet kind man. He spoke at our last General Conference in October and his talk touch my heart. His words were so sweet and kind, I felt as though he was talking directly to me. Out of all the things that he said during his talk I clung to the phrase that his mother would say to him when ever he was down about something- "Come what may and love it." As we have gone through this hard tragedy of loosing Kamber I have struggled with so many of my emotions. Since Elder Wirthlins talk I have tried to accept what has happen, I don't know that I will ever love it but, I feel that I can come to the time eventually that I can feel peace about it. That might be a long time down the road and when it does come it won't mean that I won't still be sad or no longer miss my Kamber. It will mean I just have peace of mind. I am thankful for Elder Wirthlin's service given to our church and especially for following the spirit in giving a wonderful talk at conference. What beautiful words were spoken for his last encouragement to the saints before he return to our Heavenly Father.

I have thought a lot about what kind of a homecoming he had when he return home to our Savior. What the excitement that must have been like for an apostle of the Lord to return. I have thought about Kamber, was she there? Had she known him before she came to this earth. We were all together in the spirit world before we came to receive a body and I know we knew more spirits than people we ever meet on this earth. Was he a long time friend of hers or is he someone she will get to meet now and know on a personal level. I'm sure it was a neat homecoming and that he is happy. For his family left here our thoughts and prayers go out to them that they will fill the comforters arms wrapped tightly around them and feel the love of the saints for them and Elder Worthlin.

Sometimes we are touched by Angels on Earth

This morning my mind was turning round and round. A million thoughts were running through my head. I was ready to vent, I was ready to let all my raw emotions out and really let everyone see the deep darkness that I endure. My life has extremely changed and a lot of the time it is very hard to take. I have found myself soooo tired, tired of being strong, tired of having to endure everyday. I feel as though I want to give up I don't want to carry this trial any more, I don't want to be sad, I just want it all to go away.Sometimes you just feel like your heart is so heavy your going to fall over. I found myself there this morning, done, done with everything. (Please don't read into this more than what I am saying, I'm just talking about emotions.)

I got on my blog this morning ready to let it all hang out and ready to go private and just keep all my feelings to myself. Till this morning when I found 1 comment on yesterdays post. I wondered what that comment might be so I clicked. Oh, it was my good friend Shasta and she regularly leaves comments, which I always love hearing from her. I think she is one of the most kind, loving, and absolutely adorable people I know. She has not treated me any different since Kamber has died and I am so grateful for that. I read her comment this morning and she referred me to a song on her blog so immediately went to listen. She was inspired, the song brought tears and wonderful thoughts of Kamber. Once again I was reminded of her mission and mine. Kamber is gone and I am left here to help others. We don't often see how we help or who we are helping but that doesn't matter as long as we are trying everyday to be an example and striving to do what is right and endure to the end. My feelings of frustration and anger passed and a calm came over me. I felt the love of Kamber and my thoughts at that moment were made sure. There was no confusion over my feelings, they were nothing but peace and comfort that I can endure. After I listened to the song I prayed to my Heavenly Father and thanked him for Shasta and her sweet spirit and following her feelings of sharing that song with me. I don't know if she thinks she was inspired but I know she was. Heavenly Father knew my thoughts and feelings, he has known how tired I am, therefore he knew what I needed.

Sometimes we are touched by Angels on Earth.

Thank you Shasta!

The song is Someday by Celtic Women and I have also put it on my playlist.

Just Hold On

I take one step at a time and grab that rod of iron and hold on, hold on. That thought has come to me here lately. At times I feel as though I've got a firm grip and my feet are planted firmly on the ground. I know all the things that I am sure of. Other times I can feel my hands slipping and my legs beginning to shake. Just hold on. Emotions are crazy and I never know when sad times are going to pop up. Yesterday I was feeling the earth move beneath me and I didn't know what to do. I felt as if I had froze. I could feel the anxiety building in me and the panic starting. It came from no where, I don't believe I was thinking of Kamber at the exact moment it began. I wasn't thinking of the day she died and that is what usually brings on the moments of panic, but I was preparing to go to church. I was in a panic about going to church. I didn't feel as though I could do it. I left for church earlier than Ethan and my girls because I had to get posters set up and invitations handed out for our ward Christmas Party. As I pulled up the panic was even stronger, and I could feel myself fighting back the tears. I kept thinking in my head I don't want to do this, I can't do this. I was afraid all I would do is cry. It was bothering me that Kamber wasn't with me that Sunday. I forced my tears back and walked into the church and started getting everything situated and put out for people to grab and see. I sat in the back row of church just in case I felt I would need to dart. As I sat and waited for my family I kept getting a lump in my throat trying not to let my emotions get the best of me and I didn't want anyone to see me crying. I just wanted my girls and Ethan there, I just needed them there. Finally 5 min. before church started in walks my sweet husband and my girls with smiles on there face. My Kamber wasn't with them but the anxiety subsided as I knew we were all together. She is there in spirit all the time and many times it doesn't feel as though we are missing one. What a great blessing it is to have her with us and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father allows us to feel her. I am taught by her everyday. It is funny because while we are here on earth we are to teach our children and when a little one passes it is them that is teaching us. I couldn't have asked for a better loving and kind teacher than our Kamber.

Shake Your Booty!

I pulled out all of my Christmas decorations yesterday and it was so fun putting them around my house. Last year we had just moved in a week before Christmas so I did not put all my decorations out. I was lucky to have most all the boxes put away. As I looked over my decorations this year trying to figure out what I was going to put were I saw one of my snowman that my mother in law gave me last year. It is one of those little characters that sing and dance and sometimes the songs are a little obnoxious but so cute you have to at least have one. I forgot the song and dance that this little snowman does. I almost didn't put him up because i couldn't figure out a spot for him to go and I thought no one will miss him this year. Well this morning Brookie woke me up bright and early and sure was fussy. I tried every dang toy in the house to make her happy and then came across that snowman. Maybe she would like to see him sing and dance. So, I put new batteries in him and pushed the button. Bingo that was it, she was so enthralled watching him sing and dance. As I listened to the song it brought back a sweet memory of Kamber. Last year Kamber loved the snowman. He sings the song Shake Your Groove thing and wiggles his booty around. Kamber thought it said shake your booty, shake your booty yeah, yeah! So she would push the button and sing Shake Your Booty, Shake Your Booty, Shake Your Booty, over and over as she really shook her booty. We would just sit and laugh and the more we would laugh the more she would do it. I forgot that little memory of her. Oh, we love and miss that little girl so much. It is hard not to see her do funny things to make us laugh, but I am sure she had something to do with reminding us of this toy that wasn't so important to me this year but how fun it was to her. Now that snowman has a special place in our home!

Loss

I have been reluctant to talk about this particular subject but, feel inclined to today. The words that I speak are just my thoughts and are in no way to speak for others experiences and feelings.
I saw a sweet friend yesterday just before the run and spoke to her for just a minute. I hope she doesn't mind me touching a moment on what I spoke to her about yesterday.

This friend of mine a couple of weeks ago had a miscarriage and she was about half way through her pregnancy. Another dear friend of mine a couple of years ago was pregnant at the same time I was with Kamber and she miscarried 2 months into her pregnancy. I never have had a miscarriage, so two years ago I didn't know what that felt like or understood the emotions to go with that sort of loss. Since my friend was still in the early stage of pregnancy I didn't think that the emotions would be so strong because you don't feel the baby move, or look pregnant. For my friend it was hard as I could feel her pull away from me for a while. I'm sure it made it harder knowing I was still carrying my baby and she was no longer to have hers. About a year and a half later my friend was able to get pregnant again with a beautiful and healthy girl! That girl was born on my Tayler's B-day! I don't know if loosing that baby still bothers my friend to this day or if it something that has faded from her memory and she thinks about it from time to time but the emotions aren't very strong anymore. I do hope she feels comfort and peace about it and knows that I am sorry that she ever had to endure the pain of loosing a baby.

Back to my friend I saw yesterday. I walked up to her and gave her a big hug, as I held back the tears of knowing how she feels. I saw tears come to her eyes as she told me that she has been thinking of me a lot here lately and that she feels she only got a small does of what I have felt and gone through. It made me so sad to here those words come from her mouth for her to think that her loss didn't hurt as bad as mine. Like I said I have never had a miscarriage but I feel that loss is loss. My friend was to find out if she was to have a boy or a girl. Her little kids knew of the new baby that was to be a part of their family and she had to face telling them what had happened. There is pain that goes with that and the wondering of what could have been.

Kambers life was threatened from the beginning all the way to the end of her life. I can look back and see all the times her life was spared and it was many times. I long to hold Kamber in my arms everyday as I am sure my friend does with her unborn child. I wonder what she would be like as she got older as I am sure my friend wonders about her child. I wonder what Kamber would look like as she got older as I am sure my friend does. The only difference is I have some memories, I saw a personality, I got to hold her and love her, I felt her physically. What is easier to deal with? Can you look a mother in the face and tell her which type of loss is harder? I can't, I don't know. Both hurt more than you can even imagine, there are still "what if's" in each situation. The hurt and pain is the same and we hurt for the loved ones we don't have anymore.

I wish I knew for sure if that sweet spirit that was to come to each one of my friends family, comes at a later time or not. I don't know for sure when the spirit enters the body but, I do know that Heavenly Father gives us the children we are to have and that he won't give us a trial that we can't handle. I hope my friends know how much I love them and hope that they continue to heal and hold their heads up, it is hard but ,we can endure.

I have been reading the book "Gone Too Soon" by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. The book is geared more towards miscarriage and infant death but, I am finding that the emotions and thoughts of the mothers who have gone through this type of loss is very similar to what I have felt. They seem to move through there grief faster and able to heal from having another child as I know that won't happen for me because I had Kamber physically here and part of our family, but the feelings and grief the mothers encounter are the same. It's different but, the same.

Thankful

- For my husband Ethan.
- Tayler, Kylie,Kamber, and Brookie.
- Angel Kamber that is preparing a place in heaven for our family.
- A Heavenly Father that is kind and loving.
- Heavenly Father letting us feel Kamber's spirit each and every day.
- For the comforter to help us through the loss of Kamber.
- The hospital workers that worked so hard to save Kambers life.
_ The firemen that came so fast to help Kamber.
- For our health.
- Love
- To have the gospel in my life.
- Friends
- Tender Mercies felt throughout my life.
- All of my family.
- Family and friends that came and supported the run for Kamber.
- For the great life, family, and friends that I have!
- Always have enough to eat.
- To have a home
- Beautiful weather today.
- A country that we can enjoy many freedoms.

What a Beautiful Day!

It's raining! I love it when it rains, the smell is so refreshing. It is suppose to rain tomorrow morning also and that means I will be running in the rain for the turkey trot. If it is a sprinkle that might be kind of fun, if it is pouring that won't be great. I would struggle with the run even if it were sunny out.

The Kamber shirts are in I will be picking them up at 11:00 and you can begin picking them up at 1:00 at my home. This evening some time I will be gone for a short while, so if you are planning on coming at this time leave me an email with your phone number so I can tell you if I will be home at the time you are planning to come. I would rather not have to bring the shirts to the race since I will be running around getting my number and turkey shirt. If it is raining I don't want to get soaked with the shirts finding a spot to hand them out, there is no covered areas there anyways. But if the morning is the only time that will work for you I will be happy to bring them that morning. Thanks for all your support and wanting to run in Kambers memory.
Love to all,
Jen

4 Months

Today is 4 months since the day Kamber returned to her Heavenly Father. Four months since Kamber grew up much faster than the rest of us. Four months since I held my little girl only moments after she left this family that loves her so very much and 4 months of her lifting up others and impacting people lives all over the country for the better. What a wonderful and full life she had in her short 2 1/2 years. She had the love of three sisters, mom and dad, grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. We did a lot of fun things as a family in her 2 1/2 years and she helped to make each memory so fun. Today I am grateful not so much sad, but grateful to have had her for that long. Four months is a long time to not have her physically here but I am grateful to have had her spiritually here with us for that long! Her presence is felt and what a blessing that is for our family.
Today is Kamber's buddy/ cousins birthday. Shariden Happy Birthday! Shariden is three today and only 3 months older than Kamber. I wondered how I would feel when this day would come and I am glad that I am okay with it, I am happy for Shariden!

I don't know what my deal is. The wave of sadness just keeps coming. Yesterday I did okay till Relief Society and the lesson was great but, it did bring me to tears. I was okay with that though because I was able to share a special experience with the women in my ward. Today I was doing okay till it was time for me to do a post. Why is this sadness coming so often here lately to weigh me down? Usually I get at least a week between my really hard days but, lately it just gives me little time to breath.
Saturday I went with my mom and sister to look at Christmas decor and it did bring me some happiness. I would think that it would make me more sad but, for now it bring some happiness and calm. I enjoyed finding things for my Kamber tree I am putting up as soon as possible. I have found so many pretty purple things and they seem to suit Kamber beautifully. Maybe the happiness comes from being able to do something for Kamber. Now that she is gone I miss being able to take care of her and do many things for her. So, maybe in some way this is temporally filling that void in my life. I continue to try and think of the things that I am grateful for and load my memory of happy thoughts. At times these happy thoughts come easy and other times it is hard to do. For today to help with the sadness I am running, I have to say that it is very therapeutic. I will be running till my legs can no longer handle it :)

My post on the angels blog

I couldn't decide if I was going to share with all of you my post on the angel blog. Well, what the heck here it is, hopefully your feelings for me won't change! :)

Okay, I am going to reveal something that is a little embarrassing but that has made my husband and I laugh today. After this last week of struggling so bad with the loss of Kamber the laugh was much needed, even though it was at my expense.

I have always done ditsy things throughout my life but, I have felt that I am pretty responsible and smart. I enjoy making people laugh and pretty willing to laugh at myself when I do dumb things. I feel I am a kind person and would do most anything to cheer someone else up. I do have to say since Kamber has died I have become very air headed. I do dumb things all the time. I just can't seem to get my life in order and the easy things sometimes are so hard for me to do. I am LOOSING MY MIND! I have to admit shortly after Ethan and I were married that I mailed my check book. Yeah, you heard me right, my check book. I had all my mail in one hand and my check book was in that same hand since I had just wrote my last bill while I was in the car. Now this was a box that was just down the street, not at a post office, just an area that you can pull in and mail since the nearest post office was far. So I had to wait till 5:00 which was a couple hours away for the mail man to come and pick up the mail. Well of course he was running behind, then I found out that he couldn't just give me my check book I had to meet him at the post office before he could give it back to me. It was such a process but, to make a long story short I got it back and was late for my evening college class.

So now that I have revealed the dumbest thing I have done, may be this won't seem so bad. We were given a calling about a month after Kamber died, bishop thought it would be a good idea to make Ethan and I the activities leaders in our ward and only give us two other couples to help. Since I am an airhead I was afraid that he might regret that decision later, but I excepted. I almost missed my first ward council meeting until a member of the bishopric called me a half hour into the meeting to ask if I was coming. I threw clothes on and raced down to the church feeling like a retard! The next dumb thing I have done is show up for ward council today a week early and interrupt a bishopric meeting. Yeah, what a nerd :) Then when I got home I told my husband and he just laughed but, what really got him rolling was, I told him that I had remembered when Bro. Brodero called us earlier this week to set up tithing settlement and that I had told him something really dumb. He set up our meeting at 1:10 and our ward meets at 2:30. I told Bro. Brodero to remind me about our tithing settlement at church because I am an air head and will probably forget. Really, Really? I can't believe I said that! I had wondered why he hesitated when he said suuurrre... That's because I am retarded, church is a hour and a half later than our tithing settlement. Ha Ha Ha. That really makes sense! You can laugh, we sure did. I just wonder what the bishopric thinks that they got themselves into by calling me to this leadership calling. Hopefully it has given them a lot of laughs!
Love to all,
Jen (Kambers mom)

Short Post

Let's just say it is a hard day. I'm struggling with thoughts,feelings and just trying to endure the past couple of days. I'll be okay I just don't have much I want to say.

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,

We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.

For no heartache compares with the death of one small child

Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold.

So He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few

To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try,

The saddest word mankind knows will always be “goodbye.”

So when a little child departs, we who are left behind

Must realize God loves children… Angels are hard to find.

Thanks Kathryn for the sweet poem!

Look Alike?

Do we have a look alike? Can you tell who is who? These are pictures of Kamber and Brookie around the same age. I hear all the time how much they look alike. I see a resemblance but I personally don't really think they look alike. I do have to say that they both are pretty dang cute! I love having girls and especially love when they are this age. ( here Brookie is 7mo. and Kamber is 9mo.) Kamber was definitely the most petite out of my girls but, not petite compared to other kids. She was in the 70th percentile for her age. Brookie is in the 90th for her age which Tayler and Kylie were also. Not fat at all, just solid and I love it! I am sure they will beinto sports just like our families are. Girls are so fun and even though one day I would like a boy or two I wouldn't trade any boy in the world for the four girls I have.

Chistmas for Kamber

I've got it, I know some things I am going to do for Kamber. I have been racking my brain trying to think of the right thing that feels good. Earlier this year I was at Target they had a lot of their toys on Clarence, so I roamed through wondering why I was even doing this since my kids really don't need any toys at that time. I then came across some Dora toys that were $3.00 to $5.00. I found a Hawaiian looking Dora doll that was $5.00 and then another Dora toy that had four different things in it for about $3.00. I was so excited because I knew Kamber would absolutly love these toys, so I put them in my basket and thought I would save them for Christmas. Well, a few weeks before Kamber died she had thrown a fit about something, I can't remember and I remembered that toy. Just to stop her from crying any longer I bribed her with the Dora doll. I know, that is not how you discipline a child, but I couldn't handle it any longer. I gave her the doll and she was as sweet as pie. Those next couple of weeks Kamber loved playing with the Dora doll and majority of the time Dora didn't have her clothes on. Kamber passed away a couple of weeks later. I was so glad I had given her that doll to love and play with to bring some happiness to her life. The morning of the funeral the girls wanted to give Kamber a couple things, so we found the Dora doll and of course Dora had no clothes on. I looked for the clothes and couldn't find them. SO, I'm sure you know what is coming next! Yep, Dora went into the casket with Kamber. Dora had a painted swim suit on her body so she wasn't totally nude. But, that is how Kamber played with her so that is how Dora went. Anyways, my point is that I never gave Kamber the other Dora toy. I am not sure what I will do with it yet but, it sure is sad not to have Kamber here on Christmas to open it.
I was on one of my dear friends blog who has also lost a little girl to a drowning a month before Kamber and saw what she was doing for her daughter for Christmas and asked if she would mind if I took a little spin off her idea. The sweetheart she is, she said she wouldn't mind. Here is my idea: I am going to fill Kamber's stocking with gratitude and memories. Yep, we will write on a piece of paper things that we are grateful for. I feel when we count our blessings it is hard to be so sad. Kamber brought to much happiness to our family and I want to try as hard as possible to be happy Christmas day. So first in her stocking will be how grateful I am to have her be a part of our family! If you would like to participate feel free to. Send memories of her, things that you are grateful for, and emails of how Kamber has touched your life knowing her or just knowing her through this blog. I love hearing how Kamber continues touching other lives just as much as I love hearing memories people have of her. We as a family will open her stocking on Christmas and read all the gratitude, memories, and stories as a gift to her. There is nothing more special than remembering how blessed we are and thanking our Heavenly Father for each blessing and Kamber is a true blessing and best gift we could have ever received. That goes the same for all of my girls! I also think I might do a tree for her with purple, white ,and silver ornaments. Each year we will pick out a special ornament just for Kamber to put on the tree. Even though Kamber isn't here this year we will have many things to remind us of her. We love our Kamber girl!
You can find my email at the top of the blog or here! Kampers2@gmail.com
Thanks and love to all!

No Sugar Coating

My mind has been spinning this morning, which is nothing different. I have been sorting through the things that happened the day Kamber died. It is like my mind just doesn't want to except it and as if I really could have changed something to stop it. Deep down I know I did nothing wrong that day. I actually spent more time having fun with Kamber that morning than I usually did. The fact that I was leaving out of town and hadn't packed yet didn't seem to bother me, I just wanted to spend time with her. That is a blessing of it's own, Heavenly Father allowed me that day not to be stressed out and allowed me to really enjoy Kamber. I paid a lot of attention to her that morning,more than I usually would have since I was packing. It takes only seconds and a life can be taken. So it wasn't because we didn't pay any attention to her, we were just playing with her minutes before she was taken. These are the things I know and have to keep reassuring myself each day.
People have sent me some e-mails telling me how our families situation has changed their life and I am glad it has influenced them for the better. It feels good to know Kamber is touching others lives even after she has passed. Many people say that they enjoy reading the blog and that they like how real and raw I am, no sugar coating. Here is my response to those comments:
That is the purpose of my blog, no sugar coating because this is my reality. The reality of Kamber not being here is raw and real, there is no sugar coating when it comes to grief. I write for me to get my frustrations out and record my true feelings. I hope in time I can look back and read the true feelings and emotions I feel and hope to see growth along the way. I hope I can look back and see how really hard it is and see that I am enduring. I hope I will see the beautiful blessings that have come from this hard reality. I hope others will see that there is a way to endure adversity and know that they can endure it also regardless of the trials they go through. I want my kids ( if they choose) to read and see how much I love them and love Kamber and know if I could have changed this reality I would and really know I would do anything for them to take the hurt away. I want them to remember that we all spent precious time with Kamber just before she died. We had a dance party down in my room. We all laughed and danced together, Heavenly Father allowed that last memory and special time with Kamber.
So, these are the reasons I am real about my life after loss. I want to learn and grow from this experience and maybe others will do the same. Thanks for the support that continues to be shown to our family. I am thankful for all the new friends I have met through the blog that continue to let me know they are there for us even though we have never met.

Happy Birthday Mom and Grandma Greer!

Mondays

I was in the Kitchen this morning trying to clean up the mess from this weekend. I had many things going on this week and didn't have much time to clean the way I usually like to. Ethan came in a saw me at work putting dishes away. I must have had a sad look on my face, he is so in tune with me that he knows when the wheels are spinning and when I am frustrated. He said "Are Monday's hard for you?" I looked at him like: what are you talking about? My mind was spinning over the things I need to do today, things we talked about yesterday regarding Kamber, and my dream I had last night and trying to find some meaning in it. My response to his question was "Yes ,Mondays are hard." He said they are for me to because I see all the things that need to be done for the week at work." Well yes, that is part of it for me, but the other part is realizing I just made it through another week with out Kamber and sometimes that is hard. I want the week to fly by but, I want time to stand still so all the memories of Kamber are so fresh. Mondays are hard because I know I have another whole week to endure with out Kamber. The task of cleaning my house, getting groceries, and any of the other mundane things we as mom's have to do just don't seem that hard anymore. I very rarely get stressed about it anymore like I would before. We take life one step at a time. My priorities are a little different as I know Ethan's are also. He sees all the things that he has to do for the week but I notice he is much calmer than he use to be. So many lessons have been learned from the trial of living life with out Kamber here and there are many lessons yet to be learned. So yes ,Monday's are hard in there own way, but that is okay.

The Time of My Life

I'm sure everyone has heard the song by David Cook "The Time of my Life." I have never paid much attention to the song till the other day. I have it on my Ipod and I really do not remember putting the song on it. So yesterday I was running along and this song came on and my thoughts started turning round and round in my mind. I thought that this song totally apply's to my life right now. It talks about picking up the pieces in our lives and changing. This is the time of our lives. Well, since I feel that my life has been shattered into a million little pieces I'm now at this time in my life that I have the choice what I am going to do with these pieces. This is a major turning point in my life and in my families lives. Are we going to pick up these pieces and become more loving, compassionate, forgiving, Christ like people? Or are we going to let this send us down a dark tunnel and never make our way out and become bitter? This is the time of our lives. Just because I choose to try and go down the better road doesn't mean I won't be sad or even angry at the situation at times. I doesn't mean that I am over the loss of Kamber because I feel I never will, I will always long for her and have a sad place in my heart. I can learn to become a better person, so I can work along side her in her mission. We have to grieve but we don't have to be stuck in all the horrible feelings for the rest of our lives. It will take time and it will be hard but one thing I know for sure, we will endure.

I have put the song on my play list if you would like to hear it.

Thursdays

I think I have mentioned before on the blog that we have been going to a counselor since Kamber died. If I haven't then now you know. Our first time going was the Monday after Kamber died and I am glad we went. Ethan and I went first to see what we thought and to find a way to help us deal with the situation. We figured that if we could keep ourselves in check then we could better help our girls through this hard time. We since have taken the girls and they really enjoy getting to go. Every other week I take them one at a time during their lunch break and I really enjoy my time with them on my own. We talk about whatever they want and then go to talk about Kamber which they seem to like to do. I really feel these sessions are helping them understand the situation and that Kamber is just not physically here and that we will see her again. It is hard for young children to really understand that concept because they really only know what they see. We talk all the time about Kamber and sometimes it is sad and other times it is happy memories. My girls miss their little sister but know we will be together again as a family some day. In some ways having to endure this tragedy of loosing Kamber has brought our family even closer together, which before I thought we were pretty tight knit. I love my girls and I am proud of their strength at such a young age. I know they were sent to our family for a reason and I am so glad Heavenly Father sent such wonderful girls as them!

Dreams

Kylie and I have both had a dream of Kamber recently. I am so grateful for the sweet dreams we get to have, I think it is what helps us plug along through life. I can tell it does confuse Kylie a bit because she thinks it is real till she wakes up. I try to explain to her that it is, Heavenly Father is probably allowing Kamber to be with her for that moment. I don't think she quite gets it, that's okay because she is only 6 years old.

Here is our conversation about Kylie's dream:

Kylie: Mommy I had a dream about Kamber!

Me: You did?! Do you want to tell me about it?

Kylie: Yeah, Kamber came and she sat on my lap and I was holding her.

Me: Really?

Kylie: Yeah, I was holding her and I said "Kamber your alive!" and Kamber said " I am?!" I said yes and we smiled. Then she was gone cause I woke up, it was not real :(

Me: I am sure that was her and you did get to hold her. Kylie had a weird look on her face, but I think she just somewhat excepted what I said.

My dream was similar. Our family was all out in our front yard and the girls were playing. Kamber was running after them trying to catch up like she always did. I was following right behind Kamber watching how cute she was. Then Kamber stepped in a little hole and tripped. I was right there when she put her arms up for me to hold her. She didn't cry when she fell and she was not hurt at all, she just wanted me to hold her. She said something to me, but I can't remember what she said. I'm pretty sure it was " I hold you!" That is what she always said when she wanted someone to hold her. I held and loved her, then the dream was over. I am thankful for that small sweet dream. At times the dreams make me sad, but this one brought some comfort. I am thankful for a Heavenly Father that allows those times with Kamber still!

Flash Backs

Last night and this morning I have been having flash backs of the events when Kamber died. These images are engraved into my mind and at times I don't think I am able to let them go. At the begining when Kamber died these images came all the time, they were so vivid as they are now, but I don't see them as often. The images come and the sheer panic of the events that followed well up inside me. The only way to ease these feelings are for me to pray. Heavenly Father can't totally take these thoughts from my mind, but he can help ease the panic I feel. I don't know if these images will eventually fade away or if this is something I will deal with for the rest of my life. As I scan and view over that day from the beginning to the end of that hard week I remember the little blessings along the way. Little tender mercies that Heavenly Father allowed us to experience, but for some reason those images and thoughts don't come as often when my mind reverts to the images that bring sheer panic and the sick feeling in my stomach. Why is it that I have to concentrate harder to remember the peaceful memories than the sad ones? Everything is all part of the process to eventually somewhat heal. There are many steps through the grieving process and I wish we moved through them step by step, but that is not the case. Gosh, life is a bumpy road and we have to hold on to the Lord for dear life. I know I will make it through, but sometimes I feel as though my fingers start to slip and then I panic, Heavenly Father I need your help, my hands are slipping. He is right there and I grab a hold with some anxiety, but eventually it all calms because I realize who is helping me.

To The Zoo!

Since it is Veterans Day we are going to the zoo! We are loading up the cousins and going to see some animals and having a day of fun. I'm excited to take my girls somewhere they can let loose and enjoy themselves with their cousins. There is always a bittersweet side to the fun now. We were at the zoo not long ago. We went when Brookie was about 2 months old. It was a little warm outside so we packed some lunch and did the water part of the zoo. My girls had so much fun playing in the water, especially Kamber. We remember her running around and splashing. I think her favorite part was walking away from me and going down to the near by water to see the ducks. She loved animals and especially if they were in any water. I remember it being such a fun day and afterwards the kids took a nap on the drive home. I loved this and always enjoyed caring Kamber asleep into her bed. I always would take the extra time to hold her a little longer and hug her extra tight before I would lay her down to sleep. I wish I still could do the same for Tayler and Kylie but they are getting way to big for me to hold and it makes me sad. I love my girls and I am so happy to spend a fun day with them. We know Kamber is with us always and she is not forgotten during our fun times as a family.

Adversity

I just got done reading an amazing book! The title is "The Uses of Adversity." This book was given to me by my mother in law, Teri. Teri and I have been trying to find books to help comfort and guide us through this hard time. We seem to have the same taste in the books we enjoy reading and this one is a great find.
On the back of this book it has a great quote:
" The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is resource in event of pain."
- Carlfred Broderick
That quote sums it all up and is so true. I have always prayed evening and day to keep my children and husband safe. I have always tried to live my life as righteous as I possibly could in hopes that Heavenly Father would not let any harm or accidents come to my family. After my dad died I thought for sure I had endured enough pain that Heavenly Father would not let me go through another heart ache such as that again. I know the night before Kamber died that I prayed for the safety of my girls and thinking that all would be fine for them especially while we were gone on vacation. I had no clue that night would be our last with Kamber in our home. We know what happened that very day and the pain has happened again. I have not blamed my Heavenly Father or Christ for taking Kamber that day. I have realized Kamber was not taken because I have done something wrong because I have lived a righteous life. Just because I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and I choose to live by its teachings and choose to raise my children in the gospel it does not prevent pain from coming into our lives. After reading this book it has knocked me on the head, HELLO, we have to endure pain that is how we learn and grow. We live in an imperfect world and we are imperfect people. We are here to learn and strive to be more Christ like.
I love this book and it has put some things into perspective for me. I can't prevent what is going to happen in this life as much as I wish I could keep my family from enduring any kind of pain. I really don't have any control over my life or any ones life but I do have some guidelines to help direct my family down the right paths to take through this journey of life. And if pain does come our way which it has, I have a resource to turn to and a Heavenly Father to help me through. Adversity comes in many ways and we all have to endure it form time to time. I know we are not alone in our pain we have the best person on our side and he is there waiting for us to let him help.
This book can be found at Deseret Book and the author is Carlfred Broderick.
Happy Birthday to my sister, Becky!

Fasting Today

There have been times in my life I have wondered what to fast for. Really it is simple, you don't always have to fast for something huge or that has been tragic. You can fast for little things that in reality might be something big to you. Here lately there has been lots of big things for our family to fast for and they have not always been just for our immediate family, sometimes you fast for other people. Today our fast is for Uncle Karl and Aunt Sue that we love. They are two people I hope for Ethan and I to be a little like. There kindness radiates through them and you feel there love just by talking with them. What a great example they are to us in so many ways. We are so grateful to be a part of their extended family and get to spend time with them. We love you both and hope all will be well.

Super Saturday

The title of my post is Super Saturday not because life is just grand today, but because I get to go to Super Saturday in my old ward. For those of you who don't know what a Super Saturday is let me explain. It is a day that you get to go to the ward building and do craft project that some of the very talented people in your ward and volunteered to teach and help you make. I am very happy to go back to my old ward and be with some of my favorite people. I think back on the time that I lived out there, which we are coming on a year since I left. I doesn't feel like I have been gone for that long and maybe that is because my friends that still live out there keep in contact with me. Life there just seemed so perfect, I felt I had the perfect life and nothing could go wrong. A huge part of me did not want to move, but I knew we would not be staying forever and people have to move on sometime. I am thankful that today I get to spend time with my friends all in one place doing things that we all enjoy, so that is what makes this day a Super Saturday!

Dora the Explorer

This morning my sweet Kylie bear came in to my room just before 6:00. I was not to excited to be woke up this early because I had been up 7 times the night before and a few times last night. She come over to my bed side and in a soft voice said " Mommy I'm awake and I want to watch t.v. in your room with no sound. I wanted to tell her no but I said yes. She hopped on to my bed and snuggled under the covers. I don't know what she watched first because I drifted off to sleep. The next time I was woken up was about a half and hour later to Kylie saying "Dora is on, yeah." Kylie usually doesn't like watching Dora but for some reason she was excited this morning. It has been 3 months since Dora has been on my t.v. in the morning. Kamber was my morning bird watching Dora in my room. I woke up and sat in bed remembering Kamber and how much I enjoyed watching her watch Dora and talk to the t.v. Brookie woke up not long after Dora started so I got her and put her on my bed to watch with us. She stared at the t.v. making noises. She seemed to enjoy watching the show and seemed to want to talk. I enjoyed this morning remembering Kamber and the cute things she would do and also enjoyed the two bundles of joy I had sitting right next to me. I am grateful that Kylie woke up early to watch t.v. this morning, she helped to bring some happiness to my day with out even realizing she had done that for me. Thank Heaven for Little Girls!

Finding Happiness

Finding happiness in life use to be such an easy thing. I didn't take much to make me happy. Well, I have to say that finding happiness in life has just got harder and easier at the same time. I know this might not make sense but, in my head it makes total sense so I am going to roll with it.
Kamber has died and I never thought there could be so much sadness in ones life as I have experienced. Words can't even explain the sadness that envelops me every day. Deep down there is always a gut wrenching feeling that never goes away. So, majority of the time there is not happiness, but at the same time there is happiness. I now can wake up each morning and be grateful my kids safely slept through the night. When they are hard I can look at them and be grateful they are still here to fight with one another, and it puts a new meaning on what is really hard. I find happiness in just seeing a smile, and happiness in a lot of the small things in life, but the happiness is always bitter sweet. Just because I am happy looking on the outside doesn't always mean I feel the same on the inside, it just means I am trying to be happy for that moment and at that moment my pretending just might work. There are three things in this life that make me the happiest My husband, my girls, and knowing we are an eternal family. That is the only happiness that can never be bitter sweet!

Each Day

Each day I hear of more people having to deal with loss in their lives. I recently I have heard of 5. I have had people come to me asking what they can do to help these people. I am not a counselor and I don't feel I am more spiritual than the next person. I do know the heart ache that comes with loss and the road ahead. I have my faults and have times I am in despair. There are times that I feel totally alone and wonder if my Heavenly Father is really listening. Deep down I do know we are never left alone and Heavenly Father is always there, he loves us enough to let us experience life good or bad.
So for those going through loss my heart aches for you. I know the road ahead and the sadness that comes. I know the things that people will say and the things that people won't say that feels like a dagger to the heart. Life is hard and there are times that I can't believe I said I would endure this life, but if I can help but one person through the journey then my joy will be great. I do know that I jumped for joy to follow Heavenly Fathers plan. I wanted to follow his plan so I could become more like him. I knew I needed to come a learn and experience earth life so I could gain eternal life. I don't know that I understood the pain and sorrow behind my trails, but I know that I excepted this life and couldn't wait to experience it so I could return home. There has been much joy along with the sorrow and I am grateful for that. Now all I need to do is endure to the end, enjoy life the best I can with my husband and sweet girls so I can return to Kamber and my Heavenly Father. She is in heaven preparing a place for our family to spend eternity and she can't wait for us just as much as we can't wait for her. I want to return home to my Heavenly Father saying "Jen you have returned with Honor." Then turn and see Kamber with a smile on her face and arms stretched out waiting to welcome me home.

Voting Day

Today we are to vote for a new President and on many issues that can directly effect our families. I choose not to voice my vote on this blog today because I don't believe in getting into political battles and there may be many that may choose to vote opposite from me. I do hope those that vote today pray to know the right person to vote for and to vote the right way for the props that are presented for us. I have mixed feelings on the voting today, some of my feelings are: let them run us into the ground because that means Christ will be coming to the earth and closer I am to seeing my Kamber again. Then I realize how selfish that really is. So, no lets vote for who will do the best job because that directly effects my kids lives that still live with me here. I don't want them to suffer tremendously because the events before the second coming of Christ seem to be scary. So pray today before you vote that you will vote for the best choice between the two people. I will be voting today that I am making the best choice for me kids futures and know that Christ will come when the time is right and continue to be patient waiting for my Kamber.

Kamber Shirts

I am so shocked by how many people want a Kamber shirt and run in her memory. I did not expect that many people to participate but, I am happy to have all the support! I have found someone that can make the shirts for about $6.oo a piece. I have one more resource to contact and I am hoping they can do it even cheaper. Regardless the shirts should not be more expensive than $6.00. I posted on the sidebar that I need all those wanting a shirt to let me know your size and how many shirts you want. I need you to contact me through the email on the blog. I will be collecting money before I have shirts made and will let all know of the date that I need the money collected by. All contact needs to be made through email please so I can keep track of everything. Thanks for every ones support!

Exhausted

The past week has been exhausting! Today I feel like I can hardly function nor do I really want to. Emotions can totally whipe you out and I am feeling it. One of my girls named Emily that I taught valiant 10 & 11 yr.olds in my old ward came over yesterday. She found 3 videos on her phone that she had taken of Kamber and my girls one of the nights she babysat. The video was only a few weeks before Kamber died. We got to look at the video and it was sooo good to see Kamber but sooo hard at the same time. It was wonderful to see her move, her facial expressions, and hear her sweet voice. BUT, it is another reminder of what is gone, what we can not see and have to wait a life time to hold. So in other words it is absolutely gut wrenching. It brings so much happiness and pain at the same time. We are so thankful for Emily letting us borrow her phone to try and get the videos off so we can also have them. These are one of the few videos we have of Kamber. We have never been great at remembering to use the camcorder, therefore there are not many videos, which is hard to deal with on its own. Pictures are great, but videos do wonders. So today I am struggling to find happiness, actually part of me is mad again, sad, and frusterated. I'm not sure there is much to make me feel better about our situation, but it is all part of the roller coaster and I know I just have to ride it out. It just stinks that there is nothing that I can do about it, nothing at all.

We Made It

We made it through our first Holiday. I definitely had some sad moments and times I thought I couldn't make it through the day with out Kamber, but we made it. The ward Halloween party went well and thank goodness it is over! Today I feel like I have been hit by a semi truck. Ethan and I were talking about how hard it would have been to have Kamber at the party with us. We would have had to have her on a leash. She would have been gone in no time flat. She is such a busy body and there were lots of fun things to do, that she would have been all over that place. But at the same time not having her there was so hard to. We missed her yesterday, but each day brings us one day closer to being with her again. Sometimes that phrase brings some comfort. One holiday down many more to come, at least now I know I really do survive no matter how hard it is. WE LOVE YOU SWEET KAMBER!