Brave Little Soul-Kamber

A sweet reader/friend sent me this story. It touched her heart as it did mine. Thanks so much Brooke!

The Brave Little Soul

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little Soul, do not be sad, for the suffering unlocks the love in peoples hearts." The Little Soul was confused. "What do you mean?" she asked. God replied, " Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.

"The Little Soul began to understand and listen attentively as God continued, " The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this-it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer-to unlock this love-to create this miracle-for the good of all humanity."Just then the Little Soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the Little Soul excitedly replied, " I am brave; let me go ! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!

"God smiled and said, "You are a brave Soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."

God and the Brave Little Soul shared a smile and then embraced. In parting, God said,"Do not forget Little Soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will so through My strength, And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."

Thus at that moment the Brave Little Soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and Gods strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in peoples hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys-some regained lost faith-many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and Love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The Miracle happened. God was pleased.

I will...Kamber

I will... Miss you for now.

I will...Remember you always.

I will... Love you Forever.

I will... Be with you for Eternity!

Brunch with some of Earth's Angels

Yesterday I went to brunch with some of my friends. These are women I may have never met or got to know any better had Kamber not passed away. All of these friends have lost a child. Every one has a different story and different experiences with their loss, but yet so many feelings are sooo similar. I enjoy talking, laughing, and sometimes crying with these women. When tears come to our eyes it is nice to be with those that truly understand. We don't even have to say anything, but we can feel the love for each other. I feel a special bond to each of these women and their sweet families, especially their angel children; all of who I have never personally met. Sad to say that our Arizona group of women that belong to the angel blog is growing way to fast. Since about 10 months ago our angel blog has grown from 3 to 95 children. 95 in 10 months. Can you believe that? That number includes people from mostly Utah and Arizona, but many do come from around the states. And that is just the people we are told of and that want to be a part of the blog. This number doesn't include miscarriages or stillborns. I know families are losing children every day, I know it happens more often than we realize.

I am just grateful that I have these friends in my life. I wish I could have known these women through another means, but feel thankful that I have them to travel this road with.

Thank you girls for a nice brunch yesterday, love ya!

I also would be unappreciative if I didn't mention my readers. Thank you so much for remembering my Kamber and helping to lift me up when I am down. :) Heavenly Father truly knows that I need you. Thanks to all my blogging friends!!!

One Of Those Days, Searching For That Rainbow

I woke up this morning feeling the need to run, escape, an adrenaline rush. I was confused, where is this feeling coming from? Now that a couple of hours have passed I recognize the feeling. It's a sad low feeling. Dang it I was doing so good. It has been quite a while since I have felt this. I miss my angel girl...

I have been trying to figure out what has brought it on. Maybe it is the fact that another sweet angel has passed away last week. I know the feeling that the mother is going through and it makes me terribly sad. Maybe the feeling is brought on because a sweet friend of mine is approaching the one year mark of her child's passing and I know the sad feeling of that also. Or maybe the reason is because I have since realized that to many of my friends have lost a child and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone and that makes me sad. Maybe it is the fact that I just miss my Kamber and it has been a while since I have just let myself just feel the pain.

I should be at church right now but I sit here disappointed with myself that once again I didn't get my family ready in time. We will go to the rest of church but what is my deal? Why did I need that little bit of extra sleep, or so I thought I did. I wish I could push myself harder to dig in deep, deeper than I have.

Today I am searching extra hard for that Rainbow. I know it is there but sometimes it doesn't show up till there is a little bit of rain. Maybe I will allow the rain to pour so the sun can shine again and the rainbow can lighten my day!

Look for the Rainbows

Here lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. Now after our one year mark of Kamber's passing I have been thinking a lot of what I have learned over the past year. Somethings I feel I have blossomed in more than I ever would have not given this trial and other things are taking me some time to figure out.



I do not feel whole yet nor can I say that I truly know who I am. My world is still shattered but there are a few pieces that have found a way to mold together. I still struggle and get depressed, angry, alone, and left in despair but I also have times that I am happy, joyful, grateful, compassionate, sympathetic, and feel totally blessed. Did you notice my positives out weighed my negatives, yes there comes a time that it can happen.



Our life as we have known it has changed dramatically over the the past year. There was a time in my life that I could honestly say that things were pretty dang close to perfect. We had four beautiful daughters, a beautiful home, lots of friends, and business was pretty dang good and we were able to enjoy what it had to offer. It is amazing that in one years time that it can change so dramatically. We have lost one of our beautiful daughters for our time here on earth, we still have a home but doesn't seem a beautiful to me anymore, friends don't know what to say to me anymore, and business is not as good as it was before.



Everyone has trials that are hard for them. Sometimes I wonder if it is ever going to let up. It always does at sometime. Trials change who we are. I am not the same person I was a year ago, but feel that in some way I have change more for the better. One thing that I have noticed the most is Family Is Everything. I use to enjoy having really nice things. The value of things have dramatically changed for me. I am more grateful for the things that I do have. I cherish them and feel blessed to have what I have and this pertains to everything in my life. I am more grateful to my Heavenly Father than I think I have ever been. He has taken one of the most special people in my life yet somehow I find myself thankful for blessings in my life. There were times last year that I never thought I would ever feel this way. My husband and I find ourselves saying that we would give up everything to have Kamber back. We would live in a cardboard box if we had to. Our perspectives have changed.



I use to worry about everything that wasn't going right in my life. It would really stress me out but, now I know it is not worth worrying about as long as I have my family. Things are going to happen in life that we don't like or want to happen but I have learned as long as we hold on to what we believe and cling to our families we can make it through the storms. We have every right to be upset during the hard times but as long as we don't let those feelings linger and always strive to look to the positive we will endure the storm and soon it will pass making us better.

The storm hasn't yet passed for us and there may always be a cloud over our heads but we are trying to always look for rainbows!

Seriously thinking of going PRIVATE!!

I got an email from one of my friends about another one of my friends that was very disturbing.
She has sitemeter on her website and had discovered her children's pictures on a pornographic website.

This is what she wrote:

I have SITE METER attached to my blog spot but unfortunately I have been really bad about checking it for unusual visiting sites this past year. To be honest, I have always been very trusting and thought that I could never be the one whom wackos actually target and stalk so I rarely have made efforts to check. Tonight I chose to click into it and directly on the first page I noticed an unusual website that had viewed my blog. Curiously, I clicked onto it to see what it was. The site contained dozens and dozens of images. I began looking closer at them and come to find out there were some VERY inappropriate pictures. I clicked out of the site immediately and sat there talking to Brett about my concerns. We both became VERY worried. The more I sat there, THE MORE SICK TO MY STOMACH I WAS. IF THIS PAGE HAD DIRECT AFFILIATION TO MY BLOG, THEN THAT MEANS THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE THAT THEY HAVE A PICTURE OF MY KIDS OR FAMILY ON THAT PAGE.

With out hesitation, I went right back to that page. I was so scared of what I was going to find. There were hundreds of pictures on that page and I looked through each one very quickly but efficiently when all of a sudden I FOUND A PICTURE OF MY SWEET TAYLIN. Yes, a picture of my sweet Taylin on the same page as pornographic AND child perverted pictures. I then returned BACK to my site meter to look for other sites in direct affiliation with my blog. I found a different website that had come to my page 5 TIMES THAT INCLUDED A PICTURE OF RIDGE WITH HIS LITTLE BUNS SHOWING AS HE WAS SITTING ON THE TABLE DOING DISHES. I'm just sick right now. My sweet innocent children so exposed. I FEEL SO VIOLATED AND SCARED.

I immediately googled the website BING to find out more about what it is. I then went to WWW.VOICEFORTHECHILDREN.BLOGSPOT.COM to see if I could find anything. Here is an explanation of what this website is. BING:BING is a recent search engine launched by Microsoft. The major problem with Bing is that it has brought pornography directly into your home or office. Porn is no longer a few clicks away.When you search on Bing, you no longer have to click to go to a different website to view porn. All you have to do is roll over the thumbnail image of the video on the video will begin to play snippets of the pornographic video.Imagine the harmful effects if a child is searching on Bing and merely rolls over the image and instantly the child is watching a porn video.This is completely unacceptable and irresponsible of Microsoft to launch a program such as this without a solution to block pornographic videos.

DO NOT USE BING AND ESPECIALLY DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN SEARCH ON BING!!*Do yourselves a favor and add VOICEFORTHECHILDREN to your blog. My uncle, Jeremy Geigle, is President of Arizona Family Council and between him and a few other family members, they are SO diligent about keeping this blog up to date. They want nothing more than to educate all of us on how we can keep our families safe and protected from the pornographic world. As ruthless as it is, I hope I DID scare a lot of you.

We stay so sheltered and ignorant thinking it will never happen to us...but let me tell you people, CHILD PORNOGRAPHY IS EVERYWHERE.

Let me remind everyone too that Phoenix now is the #1 kidnapping capital in America.*

If you have kids old enough to play games on the computer, I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend that you download this web protection site to your computer. We have had it all year long, until our computer broke. We recently got our computer back and I forgot to re-download this protection, WHICH IS WHY I COULD EVEN ACCESS THAT BING WEBSITE WITH THOSE IMAGES.

I PROMISE you, having this K9 WEB PROTECTION is the BEST way as of right now, to protect your kids from seeing anything pornographic or inappropriate on the computer. Pornography is so available that even if your baby started slamming down on keys, a porn website could pop it. Any porn sites, sites with questionable images, swim suit sites, facebook, youtube, and other social networking sites are ALL BLOCKED. It is VERY FILTERED. HOWEVER, you will have an ACCESS password that will allow you (as the adult) to type in a password that will allow you to enter into a site you want available to you. You will have to type in the password every time you want to enter the site. (it's one extra step that is worth the 2 seconds).

I love knowing that I can walk out of the room now with my kids playing on the computer and I have NO concerns that something will pop up.

More pics from Powell!

Tayler absolutely loved the water! This is a shallow swimming area right next to our house boat. In this pic. you can really see how clear the water is at Powell.

Brookie loved to splash in the water. This a a big rock in the water that extended out a few feet to make the perfect baby pool.

We had lots of fun toys to play with. Brookie loved to fill this bucket up with water and dump it out.

Here is the girls swimming again. All Day Lonnnngggg!

Kylie always took time to play with Brookie, but she would get frustrated when Brookie would ruin her work of art.

Glimmer of Hope and Joy Through the Darkness

Gunnar's 1st Birthday! August 1,2009

This cute little boy is one of my nephews. He holds a special place in the hearts of each person in the Larsen Family. This little boy was born on a very special day... a day that the families heart was broken, but he brought a glimmer of hope and joy.

Here is his story...

July 25 th 2008 Kamber had drown in our pool. Hearts were broken, testimonies were tested, and tons and tons of tears were shed for our sweet Kamber girl. My brother-in-law Spencer was in Colorado for his first day of training camp for the Denver Broncos when the devastating news of Kamber was relayed by his wife Annie who was still in Arizona waiting for the birth of her baby. Annie had about a month before Gunnar was to be born. Spencer was able to come down for a day to be with the family during this trying time. All the family rallied together and helped me out a ton. Annie came over every day with her little boy Tyton to help make sure things were getting done at my home. I know this was not easy for her being the last month of her pregnancy, but there she was day after day supporting us. Spencer had to head back to Colorado to finish training camp, but little did we know we would be seeing him sooner than we all expected.

The whole week of the 25th were spent planning Kamber's funeral and of course extremely emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. The night of Kambers viewing Annie had said that she was having some contractions but I had no clue how strong they really were. Annie did a good job hiding it from me, which she says she wanted this time to be all about Kamber. The next day, Friday August 1st was Kamber's funeral. I have to say that I was so busy worrying about this day and being so emotional that I hardly even remember the people that spoke to me or even attended the funeral, it was such a blur. But I do remember that the chapel to our church was packed. All in support of our family and sweet Kamber. Little to my knowledge Annie was in the lobby listening to the funeral while having intense contractions. As we all went to the cemetery Annie was headed to the hospital. Later I found out that Annie was admitted to the hospital and that little Gunnar was going to be born soon. Ethan and I went home exhausted and fell asleep. That day I had a sweet experience and knew when Gunnar was born before we even got the phone call minutes after his birth. We were again heading to a hospital sooner than I had ever hoped that I would have to, but there was peace. Through our darkest moment, joy was found in this new baby boy. It turned into a beautiful day, a day of peace and a glimmer of hope and joy. Spencer came down to be with his family and he and Annie decided to name their new little boy after Kamber. They named him Gunnar Kamb Larsen. One sweet innocent child had left this earth and another had entered. Just one of the tender mercies given to our family during the hardest time in our lives.

Enjoying the water

This is what we did most every day. I love getting to watch Ethan play with the girls. He is such a good daddy!


Two peas in a pod. Brookie adores her daddy.

Before we went on the trip Brookie was scared to death of this dog. After the first night she loved him. Brookie actually learned the word soft because she wanted to pet him, which was practically beating him. "Soft Brookie...Soft."

Tayler and Kylie were little fish. They swam all day long. Even if they were wanting a snack they couldn't enjoy it unless they were in the water. Suckers and lake water...Yummmy!

First night in Powell

This is first night at our camp site. We all were sitting on top of the house boat enjoying the beautiful weather!

Here is Brookie climbing up were the girls were sitting. She followed her sister all around. Brookie is wearing her Kamber shirt in memory of her. This was a very peaceful night with thoughts and memories of our angel girl.

MMMAAHH! This is the sound Brookie makes when she is blowing kisses... Something we love to have her do. She is such a funny girl and reminds us so much of Kamber with her expressions. I love getting to see little glimpses of Kamber through our Brookie, it reminds us that she is near.

One Year Ago

Like I mentioned in my last post, we went to Lake Powell on July 25th, marking one year since we lost Kamber. It was the right choice for us. It helped break up the day and focus on brighter days to come. We stopped by the cemetery on our way out of town to see Kamber and leave flowers. Her headstone looked the most beautiful I have ever seen it since it was put in. It was clean with not a spec of dirt or dust on it. The grass around it was a beautiful green. It was so neat to see it this way especially on this day. We felt peace while we were there and sad that we even had to experience a day like this. We of course remembered the time of the events and watched the clock as that time approached, but it was so nice not to be in our home during that time. The 5 hour drive to the lake was a great time for us as a family to talk about Kamber and the funny things that she did and the things that we miss the most. The 25th was a peaceful day filled with love for each other and for our Kamber.

Thanks to all for the thoughtful gifts, cards, and phone calls on this special day. We have many angels here on the earth that continue to lift us up during our trials. Thank you for remembering our Kamber. I think remembering a loved one is the one thing a mom and dad feel is the most important. We hope everyone will continue to remember Kamber and the sweet spirit she is for years to come.

Coming Soon!
Many more pictures, funny and heart felt stories to come of our Lake Powell Trip.

July 25th, Lake Powell!

We have been invited to go with some friends to Lake Powell for a week. We were suppose to leave on Monday but we have recently found out that our friends get the house boat a few days early; so our trip can start on Saturday!

I have been so torn on whether we were going to go on Saturday or leave later. Saturday marks one year since Kamber passed away. I have been so sick thinking about this day for the past couple of weeks. This week so far has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. Every thing has been so real. I remember this week a year ago even though I try hard not to. The storm we had on Monday night happened a year ago also. When I lay my head down to sleep so many images and thoughts run through my mind even though I try so hard not to think about them. It has brought me to tears every night. My body quivers like it did those early days a year ago. I am exhausted by the emotions. I find myself in the survival state once again each and every day. It takes a lot to get me even dressed for the day which hasn't been happening till the late afternoon or not at all. So with everything that I am going through so far the idea of running away to Lake Powell on Saturday seems like a really good idea. Hopefully it will keep my mind busy.

On the other hand we have lots of family we are leaving behind. I know that their lives have been changed also. I recognize their sadness and missing. This is why it has been so hard to make the decision to leave. I hope that they understand why we are going to leave but know they are in our thoughts and prayers also. As of yesterday we had decided to be here for Saturday but we were staying strictly for our family members but knowing it was going to make it that much harder on us. Then my husband spoke to my father- in -law today and expressed how we felt and asked his opinion on what we should do. We don't want anyone to hurt any more. My father -in- law expressed to Ethan that he felt we should do what is best for our little family. Kamber was our child and to do what we need to and that he thought every one would understand. I am so grateful for his kind words, love, and support that he continues to give to us. Actually, I can't fail to mention how supportive and caring all of our family members have been.

So with that we will be leaving Saturday to hopefully break up the memory of the worst day of our lives. A day that we don't want celebrate, a day that the world for us stopped turning, the day that one of our angels left this earth for a moment in time.

This caught my eye and my heart

As I mentioned in my last post that the one year mark of Kamber's death is approaching. With it brings all kinds of emotions and anxiety. In someways I feel I am stronger and in other ways I feel weaker. I find myself more often just speaking out loud to my Heavenly Father about my feelings. This is what I spoke to him about this morning on my way to pick Tayler and her friend up from swim team this morning.

"I don't know how to feel. It has almost been a year and I am still very sad and still in some ways mad. I know you know how I feel and know that I will come around. I don't feel that you are upset with me for my feelings. But how long is it okay to feel this way? I wouldn't bring Kamber back now that she is in such a perfect place. I am glad that she doesn't have to endure this world and all the bad things that happen. I am glad that she doesn't have to endure the sorrow of losing a child, or a mom or dad eventually. I know she misses us but, she understands the big picture and so I am sure that makes it a little different. I just miss her. I am sad that all her memories are not fresh in my mind anymore. At times it feels as though she wasn't really here, like it was all a dream. I hate that it feels that way at times. I love you Kamber. I just wish I was stronger. I wish I had the drive to accept it all but part of me feels if I do it means that I didn't love her enough. But I do, I love her with my whole heart."

When I got home I was going through some of the things I saved after Kamber died and I found a talk that I had read a day after. This is what stuck out to me today:

We knew before we were born that we were coming
to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would
have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and
hardships, health and sickness, successes and
disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of
life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with
a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and
unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come
earthward even though it might be for only a day or a
year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we
should die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were
willing to take life as it came and as we might organize
and control it, and this without murmur, complaint, or
unreasonable demands.

In the face of apparent tragedy we must put our trust
in God, knowing that despite our limited view his
purposes will not fail. With all its troubles life offers us
the tremendous privilege to grow in knowledge and
wisdom, faith and works, preparing to return and share
God’s glory.

Spencer W. Kimball

It's Coming

This is a picture of last 4th of July.


The one year mark of the loss of our Kamber is approaching. In so many ways I can't believe that it has almost been a year since I last held my sweet little girl, but in other ways it seems like forever ago. I miss her every day and try not to think too much about the dreaded day to come. I am finding out that I don't cry out in pain as much anymore. I definitely have those days but they don't come as often. I do have a constant ache though that never goes away, it is always lingering but, most of the time I can handle the pain and fight my way through it.

Many people are asking what I am doing for the one year mark. Well, I really don't know. If I had it my way I would run away, find a way to check out for that day. Take away all the hurt and pain for my whole family. It is definitely a day that I don't want to celebrate but I do want people to remember the day that changed my families life forever. I want them to remember that on that day a special angel left this earth to be with her Father in Heaven. The day that I felt as if heaven and hell surrounded me. I have never been so close to those that loved me, especially those on the other side of the veil. Yet I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. It all collided at the same time.

My worst dreams had come true. I worry about something happening to my kids every day and night. Ever since I became a mom I have always prayed for the safety of my children. That same prayer was given the night before Kamber died. I knew that following day what that safety was... safe in the arms of our Savior. Definitely not the answer I wanted but one I have to deal with and some day maybe accept.

Tonight I think about you Kamber and think about that scary day for me and our family. I know you are with me as I worry about this day. I know you are always there and together somehow we will make it through.

Tayler's Special Day

Make a Smilebox slideshow

This is a very special day for Tayler. She has made the choice to be baptized and become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We are so proud of her decision and I know our Father in Heaven is also. She will be baptized and confirmed by her father. What a sweet and special blessing that is. I hope Tayler will always remember this day and how she felt as I do my baptism day. We all love Tayler and we are very grateful to have her sweet spirit be a part of our family.

I remember my baptism day. I was baptized on my birthday! My dad was not a member of the church so I was baptized by my cousin Rich Skousen and confirmed by my Grandpa Hall. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was a little nervous but mostly excited. I couldn't wait to be baptized and feel the Holy Ghost, I truly felt it was a very special gift just for me. I remember the warmth on my head and the tingles throughout my body as the spirit confirmed to me at a young age that my Heavenly Father was pleased with my decision.

I also felt truly blessed to have my dad present at my baptism. He always supported me in all the important things I did throughout my life. I felt very fortunate to have my dad be a part of my day because he was very sick. The cancerous tumor in his brain was causing his head to swell on one side. That day he was the most swollen I had seen him. I knew he didn't feel good and that something was very wrong. I was very worried for him but grateful that he was able to be with me. Later that night I learned of my Heavenly Fathers love for me, the importance of my baptism, and the love Heavenly Father had for my dad. After the luncheon for my baptism my dad had a seizure. This was not his first but every time it was very scary. He was able to pull through and that night his life was not taken. I got to have a few more years with my dad and he got to see me grow to the age of 13.

You see that day was the start of my testimony. I think it was the first time that I realized what a testimony was. That day the spirit warmed my heart and I got to see my Heavenly Fathers hand in my families life. I got to see how important it was for me to be baptized and for my family to be there. Since that day I have been able to progress through many more important mile stones in my life. Few my dad was able to physically be present for but he has been there for all, this I know to be true. He has been there in spirit at my side, encouraging me all the way. This is how I know that Kamber will be with us tomorrow. She will be there smiling down on Tayler and will continue to be with her in her life every step of the way. Through the good and bad, accomplishment and set backs. I am so grateful for the special angels in our lives.

I am thankful to my mom for taking me to church so that I could learn of the gospel, so that now my children can gain a testimony of their own. I am happy for Tayler's decision and I know that this day will be one she remembers for the rest of her life.

Father's Day and a Crappy Attitude

I wish I could say that on Father's Day it was my husband that had the crappy attitude but it was me. It started Saturday night and then I woke up Sunday morning feeling good. so I thought but as the day wore on I found my attitude turning from good to bad. I was so excited to give Ethan his Father's Day gift, one that I had kept a secret for months not telling anyone about. Secrets that are exciting are hard for me to keep especially when it is not someone else's secret. Ethan was happy with his gifts and it made it worth the wait.

We got ready for church and on my way there Ethan asked me if Father's Day was hard for me since my dad is not alive or has it been so long that it doesn't make me sad anymore? I told him that I always think of him especially on this day but my thoughts are not sad ones, I think of the happy times that I can remember. I actually had a dream about him the night before.

We went to church and Tayler had her baptism interview and then the bishop met with Ethan to make sure he knew how the procedure was going to go. Then I guess they spoke about us not being at church as often and Ethan had to reassure him that when we are not there we are either out of town or sometimes we are struggling and we don't want to put a happy face on in front of other people. It seemed to surprise him given it has almost been a year. When I heard this I could feel my emotions change, it just reassured me that one of my fears was in fact true. There are people who assume that around a year you are healed or don't struggle as much. Oh how I wish I could explain so that everyone could understand that a year isn't enough time to heal. I don't hysterically cry every day like I did in the beginning but I hurt each and every day and I still have days that feel like I am right back at the beginning. So yes there are many days that I don't want to be around anyone and have to put on a happy face and some of those days happen to be Sundays.

Needless to say, at the end of church I was informed that we were to feed the missionaries at 5:00. I am pretty sure my eyes got huge and my mouth dropped to the floor. "Sure, yeah uhhh sure." I grabbed my girls and walked out of church ready to burst into tears. What the heck was I going to feed them? All the way home I was racking my brain to think of something to make. I am not one that likes things sprung on me especially when it comes to cooking. I am not the best cook and there are very little things I know how to make well and I didn't even know if I had the stuff to make a decent dinner. My attitude went from not so good to crappy, bad, you better watch out or mama will chew you up and spit you out. I complained to Ethan for a good half hour that I either was going to call and cancel because for heavens sakes it was Father's Day and we had people to visit. Or I would whip something up and drop it by their apartment. Ethan kept telling me "No we are feeding the missionaries." This made me more angry. Finally Ethan said " Jen it is Father's Day and you are treating me like crap, you have got a bad attitude." I burst into tears, I didn't want to treat him bad especially on this day. I was just so angry about everything. I was struggling with Father's Day more than Ethan was. I was mad that Ethan had to go through a Father's Day without Kamber, mad that my Bishop doesn't seem to understand how hard life is right now, and that I wasn't warned that we were to feed the missionaries and that Ethan insisted that we do it. He had more confidence that I could pull it off than I did. I was also worried that we weren't going to be able to go over to Ethan's parents to visit with his dad and let him know we care about him. My dad isn't here and my father in law is all I have and he means the world to me. So I guess even after all these years Father's Day still effects me deep down and I am still sad. I guess I still feel robbed of a child hood with my dad.

It was good to have a good cry with my husbands arms around me. I let him know how sorry I was for my crappy attitude and really I just wanted him to be happy. Needless to say my attitude changed, I made a great meal that the missionaries loved and I really enjoyed having them in my home. I was so grateful for the spirit that they brought with them and wouldn't mind if they dropped in unexpectedly again. We made it to the family get together and I got to give my father in law a big hug. It turned out to be a great day and my crappy attitude changed to one of peace, humility, and happiness.

Our Trials

Life is hard. We are all given trials through life. Some may seem small and pass quickly. Others may be given trials that are very hard to overcome and seem to last forever. I can say that losing a child is probably one of the very hardest trials to be given if not the hardest. It is a trial that will be with us forever as we fight with the emotions of grieving. The loss will always be there. A part of my heart will always be broken, the part that is reserved for Kamber.

I find myself exhausted trying to deal with the fact that Kamber is no longer here. My yearning to hold her will have to do with touching her pictures and things that were hers. I have not found a way to be grateful for my trial, but I do hope that I can do some good with what has been given.

I have been reading a book written by Sheri Dew- If Life were Easy, It Wouldn't be Hard. I hope that some day I can be as inspiring as she is. I actually have started writing down my life experiences that will lead up to where my life is now. Hopefully someday it can be made into a book that is inspiring to others. I know I have a long time till I get to the point that I can uplift others and not be so focused on my grief.

My favorite quote of Sheri Dew is on the back of her book. This thought really struck me as I thought of my struggle of trying over and over again to get back on my feet and push forward through the pain. This is what it says:

Our mortal experience is designed to test what we really care about, what we really believe, what we really want to become, and how we really feel about our Father and His Son.

Our trials do test what we care about, what we believe, and what we become. I have never had a test be this hard before and losing a child can bring you to the edge of shattering it all. Hopefully it is the hardest trial I will ever have to face.

Perfect

Last night as I was saying my prayers, tears were just pouring down my eyes as they do most every night. Yes, almost every night I still cry for my little girl. I find that my prayers are more sincere and I pray for a longer amount of time. I also find myself talking to my Heavenly Father as if he were sitting right in front of me. I always thank him for all the many blessings in my life, for the safety of my family, for allowing Kamber to be a part of our lives, and often times I am pleading with my Heavenly Father for strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day.

I found myself talking about how much I miss Kamber and that I don't feel her as often as I did when she passed away. I told my Heavenly Father that I understood that she was busy and that I know that she is surrounded by many people that love her, but that it is still hard. It is hard to lose someone that you love, they are here one minute and then gone the next and you have to adjust to not having them around. I told him that I wish I could feel her more often. Then I could feel her presence with me. I felt bad that Kamber saw me crying but I told her that I just miss her, but that it was okay because I know that I will be with her again.

I continued praying and found myself thinking of how hard trials are in our lives. Most trials come and go. I feel that losing a child is a trial that is never ending. The longing for our little one will never go away. This is a hard one I have been given and can't believe that I have to endure it. Then I thought about before we came to earth. I must have really loved Kamber before, I loved her so much that I wanted her to be a part of my family and was willing to do anything. Maybe I knew that her life would be short, that she would be taken at a young age. By being taken before 8 yrs. old she would be perfect, no need to go through the trials here in this world. I loved her so much that I was willing to endure this agony of missing her just to have her be with our family for a short while. I thought, if this is how it played out, I said yes then and I still say yes now. She is perfect no need to endure this wicked world, guaranteed glory and I will endure the sadness.

I love Kamber so much, I would do anything for her and any of my girls. I just hope I don't have to endure this again.

No Words For It

I went to the store to find a card for a friend of mine that has lost a child. As I searched the Sympathy section, (which I hate that word) I found all kinds of titles to look under.

For the Loss of A Mother
For the Loss of A Father
For the Loss of A Loved one
and the one that made me sick
For the Loss of a Pet

Your right, there was no title For the Loss of Your Child. Actually I take that back there was one card that was loss of a son but it wasn't a good one. I can't believe that the loss of pet comes before a child. Actually, it is none existent. I guess there are NO WORDS FOR IT because it is everyones worst nightmare.

I just want my friend to know I am thinking of her and her family. Love YOU!

Thinking Of Kamber

Here lately I have been thinking a lot about Kamber. I do think of her every single day, very much on my mind as I go about my busy days. But here lately I have been thinking of her more often. Tears have filled my eyes each day as I have thought back on the days that Kamber was here. My heart is torn into shreds but somehow it hasn't brought me down. The tears have last minutes as I think of how we go about our days without her. I think of all the fun things that we do, without her. This week we went to Sun Splash and I thought of how much fun she would have had. Kamber had no fear and I knew that for sure she would love to go down the slides and insist on doing it by herself. I was sad that I only could imagine what it would be like rather than getting to see it for myself, but the picture in my head was pure happiness as I could see her. Oh how I miss her.

We are now in June and I am realizing that at this point last year that I only had a month and a half left with her. You can not even imagine the feeling that it gives me. A month and a half, sometimes I am glad that I didn't know what was coming. Here I am almost a year without Kamber and boy have things changed. I am noticing that my memory if fading a little and it hurts. I can't remember her smell nor do any of her things smell like her anymore. That is a hard one to accept. Every now and then I get little whiffs that remind me. The sound of her voice is fading and I have to watch a video of her to truly remember how she sounded. One nice thing that I am able to remember is how she felt in my arms. I get to remember this because of hugging my other girls. I love getting to hold each one of them and now I hold them a little longer to remember Kamber.

Life is going on and I can't say that I am at the stage of accepting that she is gone nor can I say that I am out of the angry stage. Each day is still a battle but I am continuing to fight. There are time I get so exhausted and just have to let go but after I rest I am ready to fight some more. I miss my little girl and wish that things could be different but I cling to the faith that one day I will be with her again, to raise her and that it will be far better than here.

Another Birthday without our little Stinker

This is our Sweet Tayler. Tayler is turning 8 today! We are so excited for her and this special birthday. I can't believe I have an 8 yr. old, it just blows my mind. Tayler is such a goof ball. She loves to be silly and make people laugh. She is so lovable and sweet. Tayler is a great big sister and a wonderful daughter. I am so glad that Tayler was my first born and to have her in our family. She is such a blessing in our lives.

So here is another special day passing by without our Kamber. She is greatly missed especially on days like today. We know she will be here with us to celebrate even though we can't see her. I know her sisters miss her especially Tayler on such a big day. Tayler has picked a Hawaiian birthday and wanted her cake to be the same. We found the cutest cake that had flip flops with palm trees water and sand. When Tayler saw she had to have it especially because it had flip flops that remind her of her little sister.
Tayler we hope you have a GREAT BIRTHDAY! We all love you so much.

Memorial Sunday at the Cemetery

My post is really about today, Sunday. Each year the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend all of my husbands side of the family and extended family go down to the Mesa Cemetery to clean the headstones of those in the family has past away. We take a little time at each spot to remember that person. We start at the front of the cemetery and sad enough work our way to the back.

I hadn't really thought much about what today would be like for me or my family. I knew we wanted to go to clean and decorate Kamber's grave but didn't really feel it would be emotional for me. I usually just feel peace there and at times my eyes get moist but I am usually pretty strong. As we were driving down to the cemetery I was having this feeling that I was driving to my death sentence. It was not a comforting ride, I didn't want to have to do this. I don't want to be going to the cemetery for my little girl.

Once we were there and Kamber's headstone was clean and she had new flowers and pinwheels the feelings inside subsided. We made our way over to my dads grave and did the same that we had done for Kamber. I felt a peace there and as I cleaned my dads grave found myself talking to him. Then we headed over to the family to start our trek.

As we were about half way through one of our aunts showed up with a ton of purple balloons. They were for the kids to hold and some to put at Kamber's grave. My heart swelled at the kindness shown for my sweet little girl. I couldn't hold it in and I burst into tears clinging to my husband. I eventually controlled myself and continued the trek with the family. Along the way I spoke with another one of the aunts about trials in life and how we deal with them. It seemed she understood how I felt and it felt good to know someone understood and I was not being judged for my feelings.

Time finally arrived for us to clean one of the cousins graves that past away at a young age. I found myself not being able to be near and standing in the back. There also is another mother grieving. Then on to our last stop, my Kamber. It was so surreal. I found myself not being able to get close to the grave and look down at the headstone that about 50 people were looking at. It didn't feel real, I felt totally numb. I spoke with the aunt that I had been talking to alittle earlier and then all my family members started singing I Am A Child of God. I felt myself frozen in my tracks not being able to move. Why, Why did we have to sing, I was doing good. But at the same time it was so sweet to hear the voices of my family singing for my sweet Kamber. I walked over to Ethan and put my arm around him still not looking down at the headstone but tears ran down my cheek any way. I looked around and found all of Kambers aunts and uncles crying and then behind me my mother and father in law in tears. My heart broke for them as I saw them crying. Still it just didn't feel right or real. I felt like I was standing on the outside of my life looking in. Will it ever feel real to me? Will I ever accept that this really did happen? Am I living in denial maybe, but at times I almost like it that way, it doesn't hurt as much.

We once again made it through another tough day wondering how we are doing it. We continue to trudge through the storm not so gracefully at times, but some how I am hear to tell you about it. This day I think will always be hard for me because there is a difference when your child is on the list of people to visit at the cemetery.

Thanks to all who helped make Kamber's grave site so beautiful. I know she was smiling down on each and every one of you. We Love You Kamber!

Cousin

Today I spoke with my mother in law. She always asks how I am doing and I appreciate it. Today my response was that I am doing okay I mean good. Any day that I can keep my head up and accomplish some things that need to be done is a good day.

My sister had today off of work so she spent some of the day with me. She has a 3 year old daughter that is just 3 months older than Kamber. Her name is Sheridan and you guessed it, they were the best of friends.

We picked Sheridan up from preschool today and went to get lunch and run some errands. She was so good and loved playing with Brookie from her car seat. Normally being with Sheridan doesn't bring back any sad feelings. I usually just enjoy being with her and being her aunt. Today I also enjoyed her and smiled when I heard her talk. Sheridan is a little speech impaired so she is just now being able to say things that alot of two year old say. Anyways hearing her talk reminds me so much of Kamber. The way she says things and the way she acts at times is almost like I am watching my little girl. I could feel the emotions in me change and a sadness came over me as I longed for my little girl to be in the back seat. There should be three little ones when I hang out with my sister. Today I wished that I could hear Kamber calling for me in the back and giggling at Brookie. I miss looking in my rear view mirror and seeing a blond hair, blue eyed beauty sitting there with a big smile on her face. I miss my little girl and wish that she could be here to play with her cousin and that Sheridan wouldn't have to grow up without her. I'm sure Kamber misses Sheridan but I know that she visits her often. They will be best friends forever.

Tayler and Kylie's Missing

Kylie came into Ethan and I with tears in her eyes. The words that came out of her mouth are ones that I never I thought I would have to hear as a mom. "I miss Kamber." Every time it rips my heart right out of my chest. Oh, how I wish I could change things even if for my girls sake. I think what they miss the most is getting to play with her, at least that is what I hear them say. Kamber was always the life of the party and especially made life in general fun. We all miss having Kamber here and getting to play with her.

One of the questions Kylie asked me is... Why did Heavenly Father do this to us? Why does he make us wait so long to die so we can be with Kamber again? Heavenly Father didn't do this to us, sometimes accidents happen and he doesn't prevent them and why he didn't prevent this one I don't know. Why does he make us wait so long, well how do explain to a six year old that this life is really not long at all in the eternal scheme of things. All I know is that we won't be taken till it is our time. And the one thing I definitely know for sure is that Heavenly Father loves us and we will be with Kamber again.

The Love For Our Children

Yesterday Ethan and I met with a man about getting new medical insurance. He was a very kind man probably in his 50's. He moved from New York a couple of years ago and says that he really enjoys being here in Arizona. I don't understand it when it is so hot here but he and his wife seem to not mind it much.

He did a really good job presenting his company to us and giving all the details. He continued to move on and then we were to the subject of how the insurance would cover in case of an accident. Before I knew it the loss of Kamber came up and he was dead silent. I didn't want to look over at him because it was just silent. Was he in some kind of shock, did he not know what to say? Then I thought, "bad idea" shouldn't have mentioned it. Then out of the silence I heard him say in a sympathizing voice I lost my 20 year old son 2 years ago... I looked at him and his eyes fell to the floor as it seemed he was trying to compose himself. Ethan and I both looked at him and said I am sorry. Here this family is 2 years out and saying that their son died out loud to others still brings back some sad feelings. You could see how much he misses his son and loves him. But it seems that after that moment he was able to continue on as before just like we have to move on in life even thought we may not want to.

I miss Kamber everyday. Sometimes I am able to pull myself out of the sadness and continue to do the things I need to through out the day and then other times I need my moment to really feel. Sometimes that moment lasts a few hours, days or even a week, but some how I keep moving on. I look back on the day her accident happened ane wondered how I even left the hospital that day without her. How did I leave the cemetery the day we buried her? How do I continue to move on with out her? Here is the answer... I was carried and continue to be carried the whole way with angels by my side. Very dear loved one have passed away in my life and have left me sad and feeling abandoned but sometimes I wonder if really I am the lucky one. I have these special angels fighting for me on the other side.

Mom of the Year award? Ha Ha Ha!

One of my friends Sarah Stephens nominated me for Mom of the Year Award a while back. I have taken my time to get it done but here it is. Thanks Sarah!

Here are the rules I have to follow in order to receive the award:

Admit one thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you've written it down, you are no longer allowed to feel bad. It's over with, it's in the past. Remember, you're a good mom!

When my kids are telling me a story I have a hard time listening to the whole thing since they tell me every single detail. I try to hurry them along and give me the short version. That sounds even worse now that I have written it down, geese. Thank goodness it is in the past, according to the rules. :)

Remind yourself you are a good mom, list seven things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself everyday that you Rock!

1. I love taking the girls swimming.

2. I enjoy buying the clothes that they look so dang cute in!

3. I wake my girls in the morning with a song and an enthusiastic GOOD MORNING! I want them to always know I am happy to see them.

4. We love to exercise together.

5. I love that they are each others best friends.

6. I love that each one of them have my blue eyes. That is the only thing that they have of mine.

7. I am proud to be their Mom because I think they are the BEST!

Send this to five other Mom's of the year that deserve credit for being great moms and remind them that they are the best moms they can be!! Remember to send them a note to let them know you've selected them, and add a link to the person who nominated you.

I nominate the following 4 blogging moms:

Mindi Moser

Teri Larsen

Candi Wootan

Annie Larsen

Arizona Angel blog Mommies :)

Mother's Day

The day has finally arrived and I think that I got all the emotions out ahead of time. The day so far has been nice. I feel the love of my children and husband. I am so grateful to be a mother, it is something that I take pride in. My children are my world and what I live for each and every day. There is no greater calling than being a mother. I takes a lot of sacrifice but well worth it. There is nothing better than hearing I Love You from one of your children. I love watching them learn and grow. I love seeing them happy especially when we are together as a family.

As you know one of our daughters is not physically here with us but I can feel her near. I hope she is happy of me as her mother. I miss getting to see her here with our other girls and feeling her warm hug around my shoulders and kisses on my cheeks but the images in my head will have to do for now. I am wearing purple today as a remembrance of what is missing but is still near to my heart and our families heart. I have put Brookie in some of Kambers clothes (ones that would have been passed down to her anyways) to remind me that Kamber was real, I really did have the privilege of having her in my life even though it was to brief for me. The clothes are a remembrance but the child inside the clothes is our hope. Brookie brings hope and joy to our families life. We are all so grateful to have her especially Tayler and Kylie. I think they would be lost if they didn't have a little sister to play with.

I love all my girls and I am so grateful to have each of them. They each are unique and special to me. They each play a special role in our family. I love you girls with all my Heart.

Shout out to my Mom and Mom in law. HAPPY MOTHER DAY! Thanks for always being there for me and my family!

Maybe Not the best Idea

I keep telling myself, tell the truth. This blog is so others can see the real side to loosing a child not just the side that is strong. Tell the truth! So here it is...

I have been sooo sad. I have kept myself distracted by reading the Twilight books which have been great! But maybe not the best idea, I can't really tell. I think at the time I needed the distraction but maybe it distracted me to much. I haven't let myself deal with the pains that I feel about Kamber. Instead of facing them head on I just dove into the books letting myself live in a fantasy world which I loved. I didn't have to think just read, read, read all along knowing what I was running from. I have slowly closed myself out to the world and not really caring. I don't call anyone or talk to my friends. I am too vulnerable right now, I can barely talk to my husband about how I feel. My feeling are not happy, they are ugly. I don't want to know how much harder someone else has it right now, I don't want to think about anyone else. I just miss my sweet girl.

Can I just tell you how much I love my family? I love them to death and I am talking about all of them. We had them all over last night except for Spencer, Annie and their cute boys, who we all miss. Everyone came over for dinner and it was a blast. They all stayed for a while and the kids all played out back. I had so much fun watching my nieces and nephews all play together. I can't tell you how much I love each and every one of them. It makes me so happy to see them play together and hear them laugh. But through it all I kept watching and searching for Kamber. I knew what she would be acting like, I could hear her in my memory how she would have laughed and spoke as she played with her sisters and cousins. My heart broke and swelled at the same time as I watched my sweet family, all of them. So much bittersweet to life. Will I ever find just the sweetness again?

As you all know Mother's Day is coming. Oh how I dread it this year. I just want it to go away. I do want to celebrate my mom and how much I love and am thankful for her. I also want to celebrate my mother in law and show that I love her too and that I am thankful for her love and kindness shown to my family. I just don't want to celebrate it for myself, I can't even think of it with out tearing up. I always get pictures of my girls and it makes me sick to think about it this year. There is one missing! AHHHH! Sometimes I just wish I didn't even exsist. It that bad to say? But I do. I live for my girls that are still living with me that I love more than anything. I do for my husband that is my world. For my family that sticks by me. I live for my angel child that encourages me to be better. I exsist to win this fight to reaturn to my Father in Heaven and live with my family for eternity.

Distraction

I mentioned before that I had watched the movie Twilight. Well, now I have started reading the series. Actually I started a week ago and I am now on the last book. I have read the books as often as I could which is not as often as I would like since I have kids that need some of my attention too.
I have been so enthralled with the books and it has been a nice distraction from my real life. There have been days that I have been sad about Kamber this week but it has been nice to not have to focus on it. Instead I have consumed myself in the books. It is nice to have something to distract me for a while and save me from myself.
I am grateful for the little outlets in my life and from a husband that understands when I need time alone. I think I may have found a new hobby that I like. I never thought that I would like to read but I think that is changing. :)

Remembering an Interesting Conversation with a Little Fishy

I don't know exactly why I am remembering these thoughts from when Kamber was around. Maybe it is because most my prayers to my Heavenly Father have been about how lost I feel. I cling to the faith that I have and struggle to fully trust my Heavenly Father again. I know he understands my feelings and is grateful that I turn to him. I have to say that my relationship with him is probably closer than it has ever been but distant all at the same time. I find that when I pray I talk to him as if he were sitting right next to me. For once I really tell him how I really feel, all the emotions that I have and that I wouldn't tell anyone else. At the same time I find myself angry at him and not sure if I really trust him. Not that I feel he took Kamber from me to be mean but just knowing that if he needs another person in my life that he can take them away too. But with all these feelings, I Love Him.

So back to my thoughts and conversations that I have been remembering lately. One of the last times I took Kamber swimming she was being her usual self. Jumping off the side of the pool, going down the slide like a big kid and laughing. It was routine that she would sneak and take off her floaties and hurry and jump in the pool because she really thought that she could swim. I was always there to grab her and make her put her floaties on. This last time I was constantly getting after her for trying to take her floaties off. She successfully did one time and went down the slide with no floaties on. That was it, I had had it with getting after her and she was scaring me. So no more swimming for that day. I took her into her room to get her out of her swim suit and she was dancing around and laughing.
Here is our talk:

Me: Kamber you have to wear your floaties in the pool.
Kamber: Nooo
Me: Yes, Do you want to drown?
Kamber: YES!
Me: NO you don't that means you die and I would be so sad and cry and cry and cry. I couldn't take it if you were gone. I love YOU!
Kamber: K!

I got her dressed and didn't think of that conversation again.

Now I'm not saying that she wanted to drown or that it was an insight to what was to happen a sort time later. I just thought it was interesting. Who know that one of my worst fears would come true. And yes I am sooo sad and cry and cry and cry, there are times I think I can't take it.

Things to Remember

Today as I was exercising I had Brookie crawling all around me making it as difficult as she could. I kept having to step over her and try to escape her grabby hands. My thoughts turned to Kamber as I remembered how hard she made it for me to exercise also. Kamber would always crawl all over me when she was little and then as she got older she would mimic anything I would do. It was so cute to watch her do the exercises with me. As she grew she loved to be with me in what ever I was doing and when she got bored she was off to making another mess as quietly as she could. I have a feeling those days are coming soon with Brookie. There will be many new memories of Kamber to come through her growing little sister.

Then a new thought of Kamber came to my mind. I started cleaning this big home that I dread keeping clean. I was thinking of each room in this house and what rooms I dread cleaning the most. I would have to say that my room and Kylie's take the top. Then I thought of when I lived in our other home how fast it was to clean since it was smaller. I could run through that house in a hour and it was all clean and I would wish for a bigger home. I pften wondered if I would ever move to a different home. When we started building this home I couldn't wait to spend sometime here enjoying more room. Now I look back at the excitement this home brought but now I think of the sadness and joy that this home brings. Before we moved here I remember that I couldn't get Kamber to sleep completely through the night. She was almost two and I had another baby on the way and I was desperately wanting a good night sleep. The first night we moved in to this new home was the first time Kamber slept through the night and she did from then on. She must have felt comfortable in our new home. She would even put herself to sleep for naps and bedtime on occasion. I look back now and realize how happy she was here. For awhile now I have wondered if we made the right decision to move here and if Kamber would still be alive if we hadn't. I don't know the answer to that question in my heart quite yet but at times I feel peace with the answer of yes to the move and no Kamber probably still wouldn't be here if we had not moved. There are many times that I feel that it was her time to go and she would have been taken another way. But times it is hard to realize that because I felt that I was doing a good job being her mother and that I loved her enough. So it doesn't make sense that somewhere else would be a better place for her to be, even if that is in heaven.

I just wanted to record my thoughts today and remember that Kamber was at peace in this home and that at one time I felt the same way. Maybe someday I will feel that constant peace again.

Dreams

Last night I must have slept really hard because I don't think I even moved. I went to bed last night feeling a little sad knowing that my husband was having a little bit of a hard time. He misses his little girl.

I fell into a deep sleep and then the dream began. I was playing outside with my kids as my life is now. Kamber was not in it. We had some friends kids over playing with us. From out of the blue my friends youngest child was gone. We looked every where for her. Of course the first place even in my dream was the pool. I searched and searched that pool only to find baby dolls at the bottom. Then there was this huge waterfall that appeared out of no where but in my dream it was in my backyard that some how grew 5 acres. We had many people searching the waterfall and pond. No little girl. I was relieved that she was not in there but it was constantly in the back of my mind as we searched for this little girl. I was sure she probably drown and I was sick to my stomach.

After we searched the streets and every where we could think of I had to tell her mom that she had been kidnapped. I was so sad and sick that my friend had to see what it felt like to miss one of her children. I cried and cried knowing that she and her family were worried about there little girl. Guilt overcame me and it was really hard to endure knowing she was lost on my watch. But for some reason in the back of my mind there was hope that this little girl would be found. I kept saying to myself Heavenly Father will help us find her, I know she will be found. But even with the police involved she could not be found, but we would not give up.

Finally there was a lead to who took her and this person had taken a couple of other little children also. Next thing I knew the police chase was on and they had captured the person that took the kids. All of our friends got on bikes to ride down to where the little children were found. My friends made a huge bow to put on my bike so I could ride for Kamber since I was not going to be reunited with her since she had died. I was so happy for my friend knowing that she did not have to go her whole life without her sweet daughter, that it was just one day. I could not wait for her to hold her little girl in her arms again and I could not wait to see her also.

When we got down to where the children were there were a bunch of people holding pink balloons for the little girls that were taken. I saw my friend and her little girl reunited and it was wonderful. Tears poured down my face for them. I couldn't believe how happy I was for them knowing that my life would not change, I could not have Kamber back in this life time. Then out of the blue I just thought I would ask, "Is Kamber here?" To my surprise the answer was YES! I took off running towards the crowd of kids yelling her name. Then out of the middle of the kids a beautiful blond haired girl came running at me with her arms open yelling MOMMY! She jumped in my arms and we both cried because we love each other so much. I knew it was but a moment but that some day it will be forever.

I miss my sweet girl

I miss my blond haired beauty. I don't feel depressed about it today nor do I feel that I am going to cry, I just miss her. I miss seeing her run around me in circles and hearing her talk. But today I feel I can endure the missing since I have to. I feel that she is near, not to far today. I know that she is happy and doing important work. Maybe since I feel her a little closer today, it is because she misses me too and she just wants to be near. Maybe she misses me picking her up and kissing her cheeks. Maybe she misses me telling her I love her and adoring her. Maybe it is missing me smile at her because of how happy she makes me and that makes her smile. A smile is a little harder to come by most days but I feel today I can even though I miss Kamber. I hope she can feel how much we all love her and can't wait to be with her again.

Kamber, we love and miss you sweet heart. I can feel you near, please know you make me happy!

Happy Birthday to Kamber's Daddy and my sweet Husband!

A sence of Normal or maybe Not

So I have heard so much of the book and movie Twilight. It seemed everyone was enthralled with the book right around the time Kamber died. I actually hadn't heard of it till just a few days after. I was asked by many people if I had read the book and even months after have been asked. To be honest my answer was always no. One because I hadn't read it and two because how could I even think of enjoying something at that particular time. My world was broken and reality had hit really hard. I often thought to myself how are so many people so consumed with this book about a vampire love story when there is so much more meaning to life. There are so many more productive things to do with our lives, like spend time with our kids. At the time this is all that consumed my thoughts and energy. I had just lost one of my precious children how could life even be going on? How could I ever enjoy anything again?

If I read a book it was to learn more about the gospel or life after death and wanted to know everything. I was a sponge willing to soak up anything that would help my heart not to hurt so bad. I wanted somehting to mend the pain, maybe even bring her back or wake me from the bad dream. Day in and day out I couldn't find what I was looking for everything seemed to fall short and still does to this day. But I will have to say that a new sense of normal is creeping back into our lives and I can find joy in some things.

After confrence yesterday I watched the movie Twilight to see what all the fuss was about. I was sucked in. Edward, need I say more? Not someone I would normally be intreged with by looks alone but as the movie played on I began to like this Edward. Something about those eyes and the desire he has for Bella, a desire that I think we all wish that our husbands have for us.

I have to say that Ethan is my Edward. One of the first things that I was drawn to were his eyes and the mysertious side to him. Just one time looking into his eyes I was hooked. I loved that there was a mysterious side to him, a little bit of a bad boy. And bad is probably the wrong word since he wasn't bad just fun and a little crazy. He made my heart melt and still has a way to do that for me now. Just as Bella said she wants to live with Edward forever, I am glad that I get to live with Ethan forever!

Needless to say I will be reading the books and I guess it is okay to enjoy some of what life has to offer.

Sissy's Song

Has anyone heard this song by Alan Jackson? This song is so beautiful! My sister told me about it a month ago but I didn't have time to listen to it and then it just fled my mind. Yesterday my sister in law Mindi called and told me I had to listen to a song, that I would love it. I had time to jump on the computer and pull it up. This was the song that struck straight to the heart.

This song talks about my grief and the beauty of passing on. A couple of lines that I really love say:
she flew up to heaven
on wings of angels
and she walks with Jesus

I truly believe that she flew up to heaven with angels. I know with out a doubt that family that has past on were their at her side. She was not alone, she was greeted with loved ones. I also know that she walks with Jesus. She is with him and how special is that! There is beauty behind loss but, sometimes that is really hard to see. Another verse says:
I know she is smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me.

I also know that is true. She is happy and surrounded by loved ones. Her journey here on earth is through and she has made it. I am happy for her even though I miss her terribly. I know that I will be with her again some day and that is what makes us truck on through the sadness.

The two verses that describe my grief are:
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for his love.
There is so much truth is those two verses. There are times my anger is shot straight at God and then I turn and ask or his love. The feelings of grief are so confusing and full of so much raw emotion. Loosing Kamber is the hardest thing I have ever been through and hope it is the hardest never to have to endure this again.

I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father and the tender mercies that he gives our family. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father that loves me and understands me. I am so thankful to know that my loved ones are watching over my sweet Kamber. I know my dad is enjoying having her with him. I am thankful for the special memories I have of Kamber and knowing that she is waiting for me and my family. That will be a WONDERFUL DAY!

The song is on my blog player, click to listen!

Breathing

My sweet Brookie was taken to the doctor yesterday because she was having a hard time breathing and I was sure that the ear infection that she had a week and a half ago was not gone. My good friend got me in at the doctor early and sure enough the ear infections were still there. She also was wheezing up a storm. It was so sad to watch her struggle to breath but through it all she still had a smile on her face. Brookie is such a sweet gentle little girl and always happy.

We did the first breathing treatment on her because her oxygen was low. Then we tested her oxygen level again and it had dropped even lower so the doctor decided we better to another treatment. This treatment lasted about 20 minutes. Brookie was so tired of having the medicine blowing in her face that she fought it for about the first 5 minutes. She then was so exhausted that she finally relaxed and went to sleep for the remainder of the treatment. This was also a sign that the treatment was working and that she could breath better. Her oxygen level was finally in the safe zone and after a hour and a half we could go home with prescriptions and doing breathing treatment every 3 hours.

I heard Brookie coughing in the night and went in to check on her. I touched her back and she was burning up. I picked her up and she was limp, hot and really struggling to breath. I immediately got her some Motrin, and started the breathing treatment. I was worried about her wondering if I should take her to the hospital. I called the on call doctor and decided that we would just watch her since she was on strong antibiotics and continue the breathing treatments. So many thoughts went through me head. I was so worried,a worry that no doctor could understand that doesn't know my situation. There is a new level of worries that occur after you already loose one child. We know that the reality of loosing another is a true reality. Children are taken even from good people and no matter how much you love your children. I held my baby Brookie and prayed to my Heavenly Father. I thanked him for all the blessings in my life and then asked him to help Brookie breath and get better. I told him that I have been having a hard time trusting him again and that I am not totally sure that he wouldn't take one of my children again. But if at some point that was to happen that he was going to have to help me because I can barely endure loosing Kamber. I told him that I love him even though at times I am scared but that I am trying to find my way back to full trust in him. Part of me was torn apart on july 25th, part of me was lost. I too just as Brookie am trying to breath each day.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and understands me. He doesn't judge me for how I feel. He knows I will make a full recovery but that it will take time. As long as I am always reaching out to him I will be okay.

Last night I made a bed on the ground in Brookie and Kambers room so I could hear Brookie breath at night. It didn't matter that the ground was hard I just wanted to be there. I laid listening to her breath remembering the memories of Kamber in that room and loving the memories that are developing with Brookie. There is so much happiness in our family with our sweet girls and I am grateful for each and everyone of them. Though Kamber is gone we can feel her love and presence and what a special blessing it is to have her watching over us.

Why My Mom Lies

Ask my Mom how she is

My mom, she tells a lot of lies

she never did before

but from now until she dies

she'll tell a whole lot more

Ask my mom how she is

and because she cannot explain

she will tell a little lie

Because she cannot describe the pain

Ask my mom how she is

She'll say 'I'm alright'

if that's the truth

then tell me why does she cry each night

Ask my mom how she is

she seems to cope so well

she didn't have a choice you see

Nor the strength to yell

Ask my mom how she is

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"

For God's sake mom just tell the truth

Just say your heart is broken

She'll love me all her life

I loved her all of mine

But if you ask her how she is

She'll lie and say I'm fine

I am here in heaven

I cannot hug from here

If she lies - don't listen

Hug her and hold her near

On the day we meet again

We'll smile and I'll be bold

I'll say your're lucky to get in here mom,

With all the lies you told.

Washing the Car

Yesterday I went out in the afternoon to wash my dirty car. It was long over due. I use to always take my car down to the car wash and just pay the $20 for some one else to do all the car work. I have a suburban so washing the car is not a fast easy task. These days this job has taken on new meaning and has become something that I enjoy doing.

This is my story behind washing my own car.

On the beautiful summer morning of July 25th my sweet daughter Kamber came and woke me up bright and early. That was okay with me because I had lots I needed to do before my husband and I left out of town late that afternoon. I never choose to wash my car myself but knowing that my mom was coming to stay at our house with the kids I knew she would probably like to use my car and it would be nice to use a clean car. Brookie was sleeping and Tayler and Kylie were watching cartoons. I knew I couldn't leave Kamber in the house to wonder because that would just be trouble waiting to happen. So I chose to take her out with me to wash the car. We got our bucket of soapy water and our towels to dry off the car. I started and Kamber found my keys and decided to dunk them in the bucket of water and with excitement in her voice yelled out "Lookie Mama I wash keys!" I wasn't to happy about it because I have a remote clicker on my keys and worried that it would ruin them. I took the keys from her and told her not to put them in the water again. As soon as I turned my back the keys were back in the water and I heard "Lookie Mama I wash keys!" I took them from her once again and said not to put the keys in the water. This time she waited a couple of minutes before I heard her again. This time I just didn't care, she was having fun. Then she came over and washed the part of the car I had already cleaned and rinsed off, but I didn't care. Then she drug my clean towels through the muddy water and on to the clean part of the car to help me dry but I didn't care. She was having fun and I was loving just spending time with her. She was a big helper and I loved spending that one on one time with her that day. There was something special and sweet about that day and her, something I noticed and enjoyed and the day seemed to revolve around her. It was wonderful. Little did I know Heavenly Father was planting one more memory for me to have of my sweet girl soon to be taken back to her heavenly home later that day.

We had many more things we did that day and memories her sisters will always remember. I am grateful for not letting time get in the way that day and just enjoyed my girls. I am grateful that I washed my car that day and this is why I continue to do so.

I enjoyed my time by myself yesterday washing my car remembering my sweet Kamber.

Hospitals and Peace?

I have spent a lot of time at Hospitals this week. I wasn't there for my self but for my husband. On Tuesday he had his gallbladder surgery. We were called in a hour and a half earlier than we were scheduled to check in but didn't have his surgery till an hour after his original surgery time. Needless to say I spent literally all day at the hospital. Ethan did really well during his surgery and we came home happy to see our beds. The girls had a wonderful time over and their cousins playing.

Things were going pretty good till last night. Ethan woke me up at 2:30 in the morning in a soaking wet sweat and doubled over in pain. He threw back and forth the idea of going to the E.R. and when the pain got worse that is where we were headed. My mom came out and stayed with the girls so I could go and be with Ethan. Thanks Mom. We spent 7 hours down at the E.R. and now are home. Yeah! Don't worry about Ethan he is doing much better and I am sure will continue to do so.

Here is the thing. We of course went to the closest Hospital to us because of how Ethan was feeling and that hospital happens to be where Kamber died. Yep, I drove the same route that we drove that sad day, walked through the same E.R and experienced the same smells of that horrible day. I definitely had anxiety. Deep breaths is what I kept telling myself. I think what might have been my saving grace is that they are remodeling the hospital so it did look a little different. I couldn't see the room where Kamber was and don't even know if that room is there anymore. I couldn't help but but have memories of that day running through my mind. But one thing that stuck out to me the most was within all the havoc and sadness of that day I remembered the peace I felt along with it. Though I was watching my daughter die and my world had been shattered there was a mild peace behind it all and what I can gather is that the peace is the knowledge that I will be with her again. Now, that doesn't take away the pain of loosing her. It doesn't take away the anger I feel from time to time. I doesn't mean I don't long to hold her and kiss her little cheeks, tell her I love you and hear her say it back. I doesn't take away all those things I miss or make life easier with out her. I still at times question what I really believe but it doesn't take long to turn that thinking around again.

So today I am thankful the remembrance of the peace behind the loss and the knowledge that I will be with Kamber again with my family as a full family unit never to be broken again.